As I stare into your eyes,
the perfect, flawed blue,
I crumble

And when you smile,
my heart skips a beat,
and I feel nauseous

And when you confess,
telling me that you love me,
I have a panic attack

I want to say,
“I love you too,”
but that’s disgusting

and scary

I want to deny it,
yell, scream,
do anything to make it go away

But it won’t

Because, darling,
I’ve fallen in love
I remember the better days,
back when the trees had color,
and the birds would sing

A mother would smile,
watching her daughters play,
skipping around with their puppies

The wind was soft,
the sky was bright,
and the sun brought comfort

Toys would litter the floor,
while giggles could be heard,
the mother shaking her head and smiling

Oh, what happened to those days?

The people changed,
the mother popping pills,
the eldest picking fights,
and the youngest, confused and terrified

She sought comfort in her toys,
and it simply brought them to life

A blue dragon and a tiger,
an unlikely combination,
were her heroes

She learned from them,
they were her best friends,
distracting her from the world falling apart

And fall apart, it did.
You control my life,
restricting each breath,
each laugh

Because of you,
I’ve forgotten how to smile,
how to live

You took all my friends away,
leaving just me,
and me, alone

You forced me into things,
things I hated,
but they were the only things that brought relief

And I find myself thinking about the past,
before I met you,
before you ruined my life

I don’t know how I used to be like that,
so happy,
so alive

You stole everything from me,
and now,
I don’t even know who I am
What do you do,
when your entire life
has been an act?

A terrible mask,
glued to my face,
suffocating me

The mask shows a smile,
while underneath,
I crumble

But that’s okay,
I guess,
as long as you’re happy,
everything is fine, right?
I know I should hate you,
but I can’t seem to
Whenever I think of you, I deflate,
and yet, I’m still in love with you

You were my best friend,
my favorite person,
I used to think I was blessed,
until you changed and worsened

I can’t help but think
that this is all my fault,
I closed the door, shut,
hidden away in my own personal vault

You’re always in the back of my mind,
It tortures me to no-end,
I wish we could backtrack,
that we could fix and mend

But you changed for the worst,
you’re not my best friend,
I’ll hide behind this door,
a terrible dead-end
Something must’ve happened,
for I cannot grasp what I am feeling
conflicted yet again,
but isn’t that what life is?

My heart is numb,
my skull is aching,
it’s all I ever feel anymore,
I don’t want to live like this

I don’t know who I am anymore,
I’m not the same person I once was,
all I identify as is fake smiles,
and recent cuts

My heart is throbbing,
my head is asleep,
all I feel is hurt,
I don’t want to live like this

I’m a mess,
an island of lost ambition and broken dreams,
the scars are the isles,
and the tears are the waves

all i can wish for is that the island floods
sometimes I dream about how it used to be,
and whenever I do,
it’s always bittersweet

I used to think I’d achieve great things,
that I’d do well in life,
but here I am

sometimes I wish that I killed myself in seventh grade,
that would’ve saved a lot of things from happening,
it would’ve saved people pain

I used to think I was the smart kid,
the kid who had no problems,
but here I am

sometimes I break down,
almost like a robot with faulty wiring,
it’s exhausting yet refreshing all the same

I used to think I was nice,
the girl who was sweet to everyone,
but here I am

sometimes I wish I was never born,
so I didn’t have to endure this ****,
I’d rather be nonexistent than to live this

I used to think dying was scary,
I’d pray to ***, asking him for another day of life,
but here I am
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