These tears slide down my cheeks,
If I were to gather them all
and they formed an ocean,
Would you notice it then??
you played me like a cello,
at first i thought the sweet symphonies were beautiful,
a melody just for us,
but then the bow cut deep into my spine,
and bled me dry
and you continued to play.
i still think of your music to this day.
my scars still are on display.
how come it still sounds beautiful to my ears?
Why do we expose so much of ourselves to someone? We give up so much to make them happy.
We lose ourselves in them, becoming them.
And call it "love".
Not realizing how unhappy we've become.
That your old self is gone.
That your favorite color isn't even your favorite color, it's theirs.
That you, don't even care about yourself anymore..
And if they leave what's left?
We beg them, cry for them, and ask them to stay....why??
Because we've stopped loving ourselves.
Because without them we will have loved for nothing.
Told my feelings were fake
Laughed at for crying
Brutalized for refusing
Depicted as anomalous
This is my "home"
I exploded, caught a breath as I felt the silencing
Crossed volatile environments
Misunderstood ephemeral friends
This is school
I performed, in the illusion of shutting silencing
Living my curiosity
Knowledge is my strength
Reflexivity makes me grow
Embracing my difference
This is my refuge
I introspected, in the freedom of their paralyzed silencing
Meet mind-like people
Discovered my emotions
Explored my preferences
Dug my family history
This is my travel
I free-fell, as in my trust I hit structural silencing
Nourishing healthy relationships
Trusting my positions
Affirming my autonomy
This is my womanhood
Becoming a mother, I urge to gather the pieces for her freedom
I wrote this poem after days of suffering from my mother's intrusion in my maternity… how she made fun of me and invalidated my thoughts, actions and desires towards my future daughter.
First I was a drop in your dead sea.
Next, a wave in your hurricane.
Then I was the rocks you raged against.
Now I am the clouds;
feeding you still,
but out of reach of your drowning embrace.
I know you hate it when I sleep
Because your anger is rarely more intense
Than when I shut my eyes
Comfortable on the couch
Wedged between the cushion and the back
Trying desperately to stay awake for you.
I don't ever want to hear "I don't care"
Come from your mouth again.
You know what?
It may not feel real to you, but
It does to me.
Lies so often that it’s uprooted my own
Sense of sensibility.
Gentle, loving touch
I feel it deep shivers down my back
The services you render
I haven’t seen
Since I ran Allroy off the track.
Peck rapidly with your thumbs
Although you can barely read.
But here I stay, I care
I can’t explain the need.
"This year, I got you
a reminder of all the
time wasted on me."
When you haven't talked to that toxic person in a long time and you're finally starting to feel better and then for your birthday, their present to you is ruining your day?
That's what this is about.
I never understood mathematics;
however I can add your negligence,
multiply my displeasures
to summarize your subtracting feelings, and calculate your ******* behavior.
Special dedication to those who have experienced toxic friendships, relationships, anyone that has ever made a negative impact on your life, etc.
*also, the title is in reference to rise over run in mathematics. See what I did there? ;)
the worst part of hating you
is how i know that i don't
not really, not truly.
only in moments,
a kind of hatred matched
only by senseless love
hatred inspired by anger
and pain, and
“******* for making me feel like this,
for making me feel this way,
making me feel so deeply—
for making me feel at all.
for making me feel. period.
i don't like feelings,
and, sometimes, i don't like you
though i will always love you
and that's the truth
so ******* it, *******
you hollowed me out
like a bongo drum
then hit me 'til your hands
were the only things i recognised
and filled me with the sound of you
and gave me a heartbeat
painful and stuttering
i lost my rhythm,
getting lost in you.
so i hate you, i swear i do
but i just can't hate you
as much as i love you
and that's the grinding truth