lonely yet surrounded

you push
me down
but i
don't brush
that weight
away
i don't brush
your words
away

but instead
i climb onto
them
instead of
falling down
i rise
higher than
before
because nothing
you'll ever do
matters
to me.

at least not anymore

don't treat me
as if i'm fragile
because i might
seem quiet and shy
but i've got opinions
that are so strong
that they want
to break
through

opinions that want
me to tell you
to stop
being a
hypocrite

opinions that
make me boil
because you
won't ever
understand how
it feels to be
shut down

opinions that know
what i am
is not an option
but it's what
i've become
and what i've
accepted

opinions that
you have of me,
that i'm not
confident or
pretty

here's my opinion:
i'm confident that
you don't know me

i'm confident that i
don't need your
retorts in my life

i'm confident that
the words you
say that might
even hurt,
mean nothing
to me

and i'm
confident
that i won't
ever let it
effect me
again

i feel pretty in
the clothes i wear,
i don't need your
comment on them

i feel pretty with my
hair like this,
my shoes like that,
with my eyes on my
book because
truth be told,
it's way more
interesting than you

so wash my name
out of your mouth
because you say
i'm fragile and
oh so weak

so what if i am?

why do you care?

sometimes
just thinking
how much you
mean to me
is overwhelming

do i mean the same to you?

i'd like to
pay more
attention
to how i
feel than
to what you
want to do
today

i'd like to
pay more
attention
to what i
want to
eat instead
of having
what you
feel like
having

i'd like to
pay more
attention
to the
clothes that
i want to
wear, instead
of pulling on
the ones
you choose
for me

i'd like to
pay more
attention
as i live
and love
with myself
instead of
giving my
best to you
without
thinking about
me

so call me
selfish
if you must
but is it
a crime to
pay attention
to myself?

don't give me
broken pieces
to pick up as
you go because
i'm not a mender
and i can't heal
these scars

i don't know
why i still
look at your
horoscope

get out of my head

get out of my head

GET OUT OF MY HEAD

please

is it cruel that sometimes i am
able to breathe normally,
and to get through
the day without
sobbing when
i think about you?

it's only been a little while
but it seems as if
i've forgotten your
petal soft skin,
always fresh with soap,
your hair neatly
clamped to a side
and,
your aching back which
arches stronger than
any bridge, carrying
all the weight of the
life you lived

those weary eyes,
glossy with tears
when we came to
visit from miles away
only to stay for hours,
with you crying
as you hug us
as we depart
like robots

we could've visited more often,
stayed a little longer,
because now all i can do is
pray in the morning when i wake up,
pray when i come back from school,
pray before going to sleep

i wish that your soft skin
stays gleaming,
i wish that your aching back
is no longer curved like a bangle
but instead straight like a ladder
letting you reach the heavens,
your long hair full of colour,
draping earth

and when i'll see the shadow,
i'd think that's you above me,
when i'll see the rain falling,
i'd think it's you crying
as you miss us,
as you look over us,
as you love us from there,
and when spring comes
the petals dancing in the air,
fragrance from france,
the one that's so expensive
won't even compare to your
scent

please let me shake in your
arms as you rub my back
with the strength of generations

please let me hug you
and cry with you as i leave
you behind

just for a little while
let's be together
in this short
life

i hope i'm not the only one who thinks about you.
do you even remember me?

why do roses die but thorns remain?

you smile but i can see those tears

there used to be
a time in which
i didn't pour myself
into my poems
but everything
changed when
i felt my first
betrayal,
sadness
and anxiety

as time went by
i spent countless
hours, focusing on
miniature poems in my
mind and actually
having the courage
to post some of them,
that was the moment
that was worth
living and existing for.

my poems have been my best therapy

how can my own home feel like jail?

the windows are always open but i
can see the bars that trap me inside
my own mind, hold my lungs tight
to stop me breathing,
there's always fresh air entering
but when it comes near me it becomes
rancid and putrid, choking me
and tearing me up but i will always
end up inhaling the matter or else
i won't survive

the rooms are filled with ornaments
from different countries,
little souvenirs that we were there
but even with the furniture
i feel secluded, my bed is not
only my resting place, but it
sobs as i rest my tired eyes,
hoping that even in this darkness
of my room, where i can hear the
shallow breaths fill the air,
perhaps the light that escapes
between these walls could
guide me and send me a halo

the clothes that hang solitary
waiting to be reached towards,
they only cover me from this
world that i live in,
these clothes do not liberate me
but they protect me from
anything worse than this jail
in which i know i shall rot
ever so slowly but until then
i shall pray that it won't be
due to my sadness or the fact
that i can't stop worrying and
stressing about the future

if only these walls, this jail,
stopped my mind from wandering
into a state of freedom,
aching to be heard,
screaming at whatever chance they have
but this voice will never escape
as i am made of steel,
my bones are my cage and
this body is half-alive

hold-me, could i dare to ask?
hold-me, in this jail as i
fall into deep sleep,
pray that i won't wake up
hold-me as i soften my breath,
i'd finally feel the rain
as it patters onto my face
but i'd look up and see no sky,
no clouds and no heaven

pray
for me
a miracle
because when
the sky does fall
the devil will come
back running towards
me with his arms open
hoping for me to reach out
for him and call for him and
love for him but i can't love him,
i can't love someone that evil and
cruel, who laughs as he tortures and
smirks as he breaks your heart yet he
still would rub it in your face as if nothing.
dear angels above, the sky might be falling
but you're falling too, send a miracle and pray
for me as you fall, dear broken one- don't give up
on me now but save me from this devil inside of me.

it's kind
of scary
how people
take me more
seriously
online
than in
real life

how
amazing
it would be
if you said
"i love you"
because that
would mean so
much more
than this silence

you make
me feel
like a sinner
because
loving you
is like
falling
in love
with the
devil.

a year ago
i lost you
six feet under

and even a year later
i love you
six feet over

we don't even realize
how quick like
a sharp breath,
a lunge in the ocean,
a ***** of a needle,
a shot of lightening,
is how fast our
lives boil with our
deeds

suppose you've done
all that you've wanted,
but are you ready to
go to sleep?

my body sleeps
for hours and hours

but my mind never sleeps,
not even for a lone minute

it's so hard to escape
the captivity of your own mind.

i wish we knew from the start,
if someone was going to leave you in the end

so that i would never get close
                            never would trust
                        & never would love them

i love you
or maybe
i love the
idea
of being
in love
with you.
knowing
that maybe
in some
world
we could
change the
past
and i
could call
you mine
even if
the gods
are against it.
even if
you've got
your eyes
on her
and i
can't ever
be her.
because i'm
not as
smart as her,
as pretty as her,
as funny as her,
i wish
you'd know
that maybe
there's something
in me that she
doesn't have.
even if
maybe we
never meet
i will
always know
that you're out there
somehow,
waiting for me
and feeling the same
way like me.
as if i'm missing
something special,
a part of me,
that's in you.

don't pull me apart at my seams
but instead stitch me stronger with your love

it's hard
to read
you
through
your eyes
because you
keep them
stormy and
void of any
emotion,
dark and
bitter,
almost keeps
me up at
nights,
trying to
remember
the bridge
of your nose,
the shape of
your eyebrow
and your grey
eyes,
nothing
crosses over
your face
except
a tiny snarl
that slips past
your lips,
if only
i knew
how you felt
when i
told you
i loved you.

they say
to be
the best
you
that you
can be
and that
every
single day
is a new
beginning

but what
they don't
know is
that i've
ran out
of re-spawns
i ran out
of lives,
i'm on
my last
one
and no matter
what day,
what hour,
or what minute
i will
always
be the same
me.

you're always so close yet so far
i'm tired of bending backwards for you
i'm sick of swimming across to you
i'm frustrated by waiting for you for hours
don't come and find me,
i'm no longer yours

it hurts
a little
whenever
they compare
me to my
sister

i know she's
artistic
and can float
her brush on
her canvas,
she fills it
with colors
and shapes
that i wish
maybe i could
do something
like that as well
she's got a way
with her words
that make me
feel poisoned
if only i was
as good as her
with her brush
and her practice
if only i
mastered that too
but i grew up
too soon

yet here i am
painting as well
but my canvas
is black and white
my canvas
is the same shapes
repeating on and on
my canvas is forbidden
and unheard of to
my parents
my canvas isn't dead
but its alive,
breathing and swelling
she walks out
of fire even if it hurts
she might burn down
as she goes but
she's the best power
that i know
and just because
no one knows about
my art
it doesn't make
it any less special
because my
art is for
myself

i'm not the lighthouse
that you visit after
a rough day at sea
i'm not the one who's
shining my light to
direct you in the night
but those waves that hit
are my tears,
i shed in the daylight
cowering in fear
i'm the moon
that's so bright but you
won't be see me
as you're blinded
by the reflection
i'm the one who controls
those waves,
the ones that make you
reach home safely
or the ones
that make you drown
so be careful on that
ship
because the moon
isn't always a goddess

hour long calls
hour long messaging
hour long giggles

minutes long stories
minutes long for a few words
minutes long for being scared, afraid and desperate

seconds long for three words
seconds long for saying sorry
seconds long for a bye

and a fraction of a memory

i'm the
kind of girl
that leaves notes
written on desks
but those notes
aren't for anyone
but me

those notes say:
"you look amazing today!"

those notes say:
"smile some more!"

those notes say:
"you aren't alone"

those notes say:
"you're respected"

those notes say:
"you're loved"

and i don't mind
if anyone else
reads them
because everything
on those notes
is everything
that applies to you
as well

i will love myself forever, i promise.

if i can't be strong
for myself
then i'd be firm
for my ancestors
who's blood bathes
willingly in my veins

i'd lay down in the
silence just concentrating
on my pulse as a clock
to watch the timeline
of the generations
before me

i'd fall in love in
each hardship,
in each misery
in each downfall
because they made
it through

i carry their courage
and durability
and it runs deep
inside of me

and that's how i
know i can be strong
maybe not for myself
but for them

it's been weeks
since we chose
different paths
but i'm hoping
that these
parallel ends
meet once again

you
lift me
up with you
and you take
me to heavens
where no one
has explored

and you show me
the universe
and it's end
oh how much
i'd love to
fly with you
again,

with those
majestic wings
that are
so powerful
that all
the mortals
stop and wonder
what creature
fell to us,
in this hell
down below

and we
all look
up towards the
heavens
and see you,

blocking the sunlight
from us,
giving us shade
from this heat
we thought maybe
you'd watch over us,
cool us down
and guard us

but your
wings are
wings of
the devil.

everyone has that one song
that makes them
laugh sometimes,
smirk like an idiot sometimes,
or cry sometimes

for me it's the
sound of your
voice,
the sound of your
heartbeat gently
beating underneath
my head as it lays
on your chest

stay with me
a little bit
longer

you don't know me

i'm quiet on the
outside
but on the inside
i'm screaming

they say
if you let
people know
then they'd
understand
but i'm sure
that you
don't want to
know about
the devil
in me.

do you feel  anxious?
can you still eat without
having the thought
that maybe you'll
swell up and
can't get past door
or hearts?
wanting to be like
paper but
you never thought
that being paper
was fragile
and that people
could write all
over you.
what you needed
was thick skin
and a thick heart.

do you feel scared?
when you hear your
name, thinking
are they talking
about your scars?
your imperfections?
your breakouts and your
bruised skin.
can you look at someone
straight in the eye
without thinking
that they're staring
at that ugly mole
and aren't even
focusing on you,
so you look down
at their feet
but darling,
you should look
at them with pride
because your scars,
marks and pimples
are not an end
but they are
a journey,
a story
of what
you've gone
through.

do you feel stressed?
when compare your body
to a model or an idol
who has a tiny waist,
yet she's curvy,
do you measure your *******,
your waist and looking
for solutions to looking
like your 'dream girl'
that you dream about,
the one who's
so confident
so beautiful
so perfect?

have you ever thought,
that maybe
your dream girl
was actually inside of you?
she came to birth with you
she opened her eyes with you
she said her first word with you,
she walked with you.

and she'll dream with you
oh she'd care for you,
look out for you,
crave for you
but most of all
she'll love you.

you are your dream girl.

i turn a blind eye
to my fears
but when it comes
to you,
i can't help but
stare

i don't know what
it is but there's
something cliche
that captivates me
completely
even if i despise
you more than
anything

you want
to keep
us a hush
because
you don't
want anyone
to know that
you're with me

you make it
pretty clear
when you
cunningly
follow me
like a shadow
so much alive
but not noticed

you're careful
when you're
with me
in case i might
blow up
but i don't
let my feelings
out because
i know
i will
lose you
if i did

i'm frightened
without you
because in
some wicked
way you make
me feel loved,
in some sick
way i feel happy,
in a sinners way
you make me
feel alive

the truth is
that i'm an
object to
you,
i'm just someone
who you can come
to and look for my
attention

and i'm
always dumb
enough to
give it
to you
i'm so dumb
to want you
i'm so dumb
to accept you
i'm so dumb
that i can't
let you go

you say
we're just
lovers
passing our
time,
i wish i
could call
you mine

you won't
make the
first move
then
i'd have
to prove
what you
really mean
to me

still, i know
you'll leave
me alone
and how
can i be
a lover
without
your love?

stop
kissing
me in
the corner
of our school
where
no one
can see
us

but maybe
start
being
a friend to
me so
that everyone
knows
that i'm
more than
your toy

stop calling
me when
you're drunk
with your friends
and call me names
"what a ****."

you'd laugh like
you told a joke
but really
you know
you're lying

don't push
me in
the hallways
and act
like it
means
nothing,
like i
mean
nothing

i know
you only
say those
words
and do
those things
to get me
out of your
head

but i hope
you realize
that you're
not the
only
one
who's
afraid

i can't climb your walls
anymore so please break
them down
for me.

please
don't be a
afraid
when i
really
tell you
that the
only art
i do,
is red
and golden,
carved deep
inside of me
but not a
blade but
with your
words,
i chant
them to
myself
like a
sick prayer.