Everything I've ever said, I meant with all I had,
This love isn't something that you get from just anyone.
Each day I fall in love with you over and over,
Relishing each moment in which I share with you.
No one could ever replace you my dear,
I am yours,
Till the very end and after.
Y*ours forever and after my love. Together for eternity.

You can't* keep everyone happy
In the end,
Someone draws the short straw
There's got to be someone
Who doesn't get their happy ending

You can't have more than a few friends
When it comes to it,
They'll all get jealous of what you do for one but not another
Until you lose those closest to you

You cant do what you want
Always dictated to,
Being told what you can and can't do
Forever restricted

You can't talk to other girls
They're threats,
No matter who or what they are
You'll be stolen away by them

You dont get a say
About what's happening,
Word equals law, no ifs or buts
Subordinate

You are powerless
You are voiceless
You are relentless
You are subordinate

*You are the one who chooses to stay despite it all

I wanna run away from here
It sound super simple, I really would do it
But the sole thing keeping me is fear

I wanna run far from my parents
They're the sole problem keeping me from being happy
Such rules and expectations in which they demand adherence

I wanna run away to be with you
Thats all we need and itll fix everything thats wrong
Right now Im struggling...with no means to push through

I wanna run right now
But I wont have a home to come back to if I do
This is something my parents just wont allow

I would run to you, run far from this place, far from everything
But I would be pulled back by my parents in the back of a policecar no doubt
They would confiscate everything I have as means of anything
Which means id never be able to see or hear from you ever again
I dont want that...it wouldnt be a life worth living, but then again how is now any better?

I want to be there as soon as possible and you know that
But the fear instilled through blackmail in me keeps me planted here
There are other perspectives that I am forced to look at

Dont think Im not trying
Dont think Im abandoning you...
Im not..,
Abandoning you believe it or not...would be coming to you cause once I return youre gone for good

Im not the smartest guy
And I may not make the best decisions.

Im not the hottest guy
And I may not have the body to swoon over

Im not the most romantic guy
And I may not be one to melt your heart

But

The smartest thing I ever did was ask you for your name
I made the right decision asking you to be mine

Im perfect in your eyes
And my body turns you on

*That perfect kiss the first time we met will be the most romantic thing ive done
I know the quickest way to melt your heart is with a smile from mine

Why do you write?

I get overwhelmed easily and words on paper and on a screen are highly effective means of externalising that

I cant read others poems often without crying and am inspired to write of my own

Writing calms me and although at times its already too late, it stops me from doing or saying something ill regret

So I write for sanity
Peace of mind
For clarity
To express myself
Set myself free
Empty my head
Get over myself
People to see how I am
To hide away
Not show myself like I am in poems to people

One,
Two,
Three,
Four...
...Watch as sorrow filled tears fall upon the floor.

Five,
Six,
Seven,
Eight...
...Days like these you come to hate.

Nine,
Ten,
Eleven,
Twelve...
...It only gets worse the deeper I delve.

Twelve,
Eleven,
Ten,
Nine...
...It only ever feels like im the only one tryin'.

Eight,
Seven,
Six,
Five...
...Guess higher places, I need to strive.

Four.
Three.
Two,
One...
**...Forgive me if all I do is turn and run.

There are few times in your life,
That you can say you're close to something massive.
In which you've almost achieved something truly remarkable.
For some, the final moment of college,
The baby countdown, but for me...
Today marks the the beginning of the countdown to the end

This day, 11 months ago I happened to stumble upon someone I never knew would become such an important and big part of my life. Never did I expect the shy girl I'd met online in late December, would make such a tremendous impact on my life.
First came the awkward "hello"
Followed by a sincere introduction
(In which I'd be guilty of miscalculating gender... oh will I ever live that one down hides in shame)
It's one of the most beautiful things to fall in love
Even more so to feel the butterflies in your stomach grow everytime you see them come online.
Talking to you, became the only thing I wanted to do!
I'd rush home from school to jump on and game with you, talk with you and laugh with you whilst getting to know you all the more better.
We would spend hours on school nights, living in the happiness of eachothers company.
It is truly something, when you can look at a name on the screen as they  type, and realize you are
Completely
Utterly
and mind numbingly in love with someone based solely off who they really are
No looks, no sounds. Just personality and who the person is for them
You see I fell head over heels for you my love, you were perfection
It wasnt until a few months later that I caught a glimpse of what you looked like and honey, it was like seeing an angel in the flesh and boy did I fall hard for you. Call me obsessive, call me addicted. You were the only thing on my mind.

March 9th 2015,
"I know I say this alot but thank you. Thank you for always being there for me when I'm down in the dumps, to be quite honest, your the person I've grown close to most in my entire life. Thank you for l-liking me, y-you don't know how much it means to me...I-I'm really s-shy I know and t-this may make you feel a-awkward... b-but...I-I like you too h-hehe and I d-don't say the actual L w-word because it's embarrassing... I just wanted to let you know you mean the world to me..." - Sweet words that changed my life and I'll never forget them

Today marks just, one month from our one year anniversary.
Something I never thought I'd get to experience with anything,
Let alone someone like you.
I love you so freaking much,
You, my other half, complete me and I cannot thank you enough for everything and anything.
I'm sorry that it had to be celebrated,
With you at school
and 4hours of driving between us
But that makes it no less special because wherever you go
You'll always have me in your heart **
                                                              ­                                                *~ Ryan

Nothing in my life quite compares to that feeling.
That sinking feeling inside myself.

This feeling exists because it is a vacuum...
Something from deep inside myself was removed and all thats left
Is this gaping hole ******* me into darkness.
Never was I okay with hurting you
or upsetting you
Cept now I crushed the dream you held onto dearest

Now I cant breathe
I cant think
I cant feel anything else
I feel dead inside truly and cannot bring myself to do any right

My mind is blank, my body numb,
But i stand before you a broken being.
My brain is full, my body aching.
Such stress, but nothing... I feel lost
But im in a clearing.
I feel like throwing up, but i am not sick...
Can i deem my actions justifiable?
Or am i truly incompetent?

What do i want?
What is my goal of all this?
How can i make words when there are none...?
How can someone begin to understand me,
When i no longer understand myself?

"You call yourself self-depressive, and yes you do it to yourself. You have no reason to do so. You're just weak and sensitive and one day perhaps you will learn..."

"You don't sleep at night...you look a mess...You can't keep this up much longer. You're at your breaking point, but how can you break when your other half has endured more? Suffered longer? If you cant be strong for her...who are you?"

I no longer know...
But I am NOT a cop out

A* is for *anything to end this suffering
B is for broken, breaking like my fragile state
C is for careful, cautious of these eggshells
D is for disaster, destruction of what we had
E is for empty, emotionless cries in the night
F is for false, fake like the lies we tell ourselves
G is for grief, grieving not over the dead but mistakes
H is for horrible, hatred the purest of black
I is for insanity, insomnia plaguing my sleep
J is for jaded, just lacking in many emotional departments
K is for knavish, kiddish behaviour I exemplify
L is for lost, losing faith, happiness and you
M is for mistakes, monster at heart and in action
N is for nonsensical, never-ending
O is for officious, obnoxious demeanour and persona
P is for pathetic, powerless to make the right moves
Q is for quitter, quick to leave and walk away
R is for resentment, relationships aren't for men like me
T is for turmoil, turbulence beneath the wings of trouble
U is for understatement, underestimating
V is for violent, vindictive almost as if by nature
W is for wishful, waiting for something new
X is for xenodochial, but never to those who matter most
Y is for youthful, yokelish and distasteful to be around
Z is for zany, pertaining to the cause of most problems

We used to say we were forever
That we were 110% loyal to eachother
And we would spend an eternity together.

What happened to those promises?
Where did the loyalty go?
Why didnt we last forever?
Who am I to question you leaving...

Its hard reading old messages
People change its true
But I never wanted that person to be you

What happened to the I love you?
Where did the happiness go?
Why did it have to end like this?
Who am I to force you to stay...

Love together, or apart.
Our love resides within my heart.
Within this love, our souls entwine,
Together forever, yours and mine.

There can be no good
Without bad

There can be no light
Without dark

There can be no happiness
Without sadness

But isnt it funny how there cant be a positive without a negative, yet the negative seems to be heavier...?
Humour me

It is better to be good, or for something to be good
That would be, well good.
So to balance out the good, there must be equal bad, right?
'cept the bad outweighs the good you see. Bad is heavier and overshadows the good.

Bad > Good

It is preferable for there to be light
Light is in a generalistic sense, a good thing.
So to balance out all the light, we must also have the dark
'cept once again, the dark overshadows the light. The darkness is worse than the light and presents itself as a heavier presence.

Dark > Light

Last but not least, oh ** **... Happiness, it is the greatest thing,
Thus it is a very good thing.
But to balance out the happiness, sadly there must be sadness, and sadness is one of the heaviest emotions because it outweighs the good, the light and the happiness by so much, the happiness is almost non-existent

Sadness > *Happiness

I was always told to be myself.
Was told that people would love me,
For who I was
Not who I thought I should be

So tell me
Why isn't me good enough?
Not capable of pleasing people
Living up to their expectations.

When people tell me to be myself
That from birth I was special
I was different
I was an individual

How can I be myself
When people dont like me..?
He's so feminine, hes gay
He's so skinny, hes anorexic
He's so tall, hes a giant
He's so soft, hes a little *****
He's so kind, hes just a tool
He's so outspoken, hes an opinionated ****
He cant do anything for himself, hes such a child

Why is nothing I ever do good enough for people,
My work is returned to me once again for not being up to standard
That my own personal expression on a page, my own images inside my head written into text are not up to standard or worthy of someone else.

Can I ever be worthy enough?

How can I like me..
When others can't seem to...?

We all have things about ourselves we dont like
Each and every person is their own worst enemy.

Seems ironic that where I type should be called the "body"
When all there is to it, im not happy with my body.

I could never stand to look at myself in the mirror,
I am not overweight, more ideal for my height but nearing underweight
I dont have my face covered in boils and acne, though my back is acne ridden, not that I care
I am very very tall, I hated it
I think most of all I hated that certain area of my body...
How could anyone take to it..?

The day you saw my body you told me you loved it
My height was perfect and that it was right height to be able to cuddle into my chest
You told me I had a nice body and abdomen, I started to love myself.

One day you saw me in nothing, and at the moment I thought youd no longer love me the same you told me I was ****
So why is it I still cant love me, why is it that even now that area is the one place Im not perfect...
Do I dare even type it..?
...I have no obligation or need to but suddenly I wasnt perfect

My perfect imperfection

Suddenly you thought differently, viewed me in your head different and It just wasnt the same

I never loved myself, you helped me to love me but despite my best efforts I could never help you to love your body...
Now I struggle to love mine...and find sorrow in you not loving yours...

We are perfect as we are...If only we believed those words...

Tear my heart out
As it still beats.
Take my heart from me
As it still beats...

The aching pain
Never ceases.
The unbearable trauma
Never ceases...

If I had a choice
I'd choose death.
If you asked me
I'd choose death...

No more pain,
No more ache,
No more trauma,
No more me,*
That's what I need...

If I could go back in time*

Even perhaps, say 48hrs,
HELL! I'd take 24...
Itd be to do many things

But I'd make sure I told myself
To just ****

They say if you truly love something, you’ll let it go, I never thought I’d be the one to let go...

It was a rainy day in late May, the sky had seen no such rays of pure light, in fact it hadn’t seen the light of the sun in days. Instead ominous dark clouds lurked above. The heavy precipitation did wonders to break any attempt at an eerie silence. *I liked it. The uproar as raindrops pelted on the window, piercing like needles.
We used to sit here, you and I together. You’d be on my lap and we’d look out unto the view. To sit and watch the sunset or as the day passed by, the trees dancing in the wind. The peaceful stillness of life when everything seemed perfect. Now I sit here alone, left to myself and my thoughts. Reminiscing of what once was. Guess that’s why they call it window pane...

I look back, think back further to when we first met. That sweet smile that would always say what words could not. A soft smile that would never cease in reminding me things will be okay. I remember looking upon those pale blue eyes. The way the shone so bright, gleaming in the light of day and sparkling in the dark of night. I always felt a sensation down my spine when they were trained on me. You stood there nervously, shying away as best you could trying to hide your perfect smile. Clad in a baggy hoodie and shorts you awaited for me to approach before throwing yourself into my arms with enough force to send us stumbling backwards. We landed in a heap on the floor. I opened my eyes slowly, and with burning cheeks I find you rather attached to my persons. You're arms wrapped tightly round my waist, face hidden. I could have guessed I wasn’t the only one blushing intently.
Its a memory i'm not likely to forget. It shall remain with me always, a reminder to better times. When we were happy, when we would laugh and play the days away. I miss those days... I miss...you...

We took the world by the throat, we were a team and we could conquer anything. We (like everyone) had our ups and downs, we had fights, we had hiccups in the road but we always worked it out. Thats one of the many things that I loved so much about you. No matter how much we cried, no matter what we said or what we felt, you were always there for me, and I was always there for you. Its how we worked. “The Dream Team” We always came out on top, bonded together with the strongest emotions of compassion and love.

But once again I am shaken from my thoughts, still sitting as I had been, staring out into what could be described as nothing. Into darkness, into emptiness. I think I much prefer living in my head I think to myself, it's so much nicer to me, things are better there...we’re together there...
I think it's on days like these i feel like the world reflects me. Just as the water reflects the sky, a perfect mirror portraying such untruths. Just as water appears to be blue the world appears to be sad. For me.
A selfish thought that had stricken me, left me breathless. The sky has been crying, mimicking my actions. The purest of white clouds had faded to nothing but grey and black, mimicking my once pure happy mind, now plagued with dark greys and blacks influencing my character and behaviour. They say if you truly love something, you’ll let it go. I never thought i’d be one who you who let go some time ago now. I said you didn’t know why I had to, deep down we both knew we did. You (like I) hated to be alone, hated it (like I) when I was forced to leave. One day...i walked away...only this time when I returned. A heavy shadow lingered over me...

Save me please
These walls are closing
They're surely hiding

Those demons
The dark
Take my hand and save me please!

Do i have to beg?
I beg
I plead
I scream
Save me
Help me!

I won't make it through the rest of the night
Im shaking.
I'm cold
Im terrified
Im awake

3am and id rather not see this time
Id rather be asleep
Why
Oh why
Does this have to happen to me
I was so peaceful
Now this house is not my home
It is my nightmare

My brain won't stop
I dont want to think
I tried hitting my head but it won't stop thinking
Such horrible things
So scary
I just want to forget
I just want to...
Sleep.

Thank you all for the continued
Love and support over the last 9 months

Thank you for the sweet comments
The heartwarming support
And to Nigel Finn who made my Christmas with a sun.

Big thank you for 40,000 views and almost 1,000 likes.
That's phenomenal.
Hope my pieces still bring you joy, inspiration or relation

A little late but here's to a new year!

I am God's one, and only mistake.
If our lord is perfect, why would he curse the world with my existence?
When i exist solely to bring pain and suffering unto others, what kind of sick joke was he playing at?

I hope one day my parents realise, that although i was the only planned baby they had out of 3, i was the only mistake they made in having. Im sure my parents are real proud of the monster their son becomes around woman. Im sure they're proud of their verbally abusive, short tempered, selfish and cold son...

I hope that one day peoples open their eyes and see the truth for whats inside me and not what i show them on the outside, i want them all to look at my grave one day and be thankful that the world was rid of a demon that day, that satan had finally recoiled and taken back his child.

Life is nothing but a series of moments that exist to remind ourselves we still feel something.

Right now all i feel is pain, drowning, and anger, i hate this body, i curse this mind, maybe if i wish upon a star, i can go back in time, and stop things from going this far

It's funny, the more I hear
These uncertainties need no more fear
All truths become that solely one
Miserable tears question what I've done
I've only ever seen such wounds at war
Not surprised if I catch your gaze on the door

Dear Me,

Why are you like this?

Not like how others see you or how you present yourself to others but how you really are...

Why cant you ever be strong? Why must you falter when youre needing to be strong?

How can you break so easily and find it so hard to piece back together your broken being?

Is this who you want to be? How you want others to see you? What will they think of you?

So many questions... So few answers

You no longer know who you are do you..?

Sincerely,
me

You don't have to put another thought to me.
I don't have to exist in that part of your heart anymore
But you exist there for me
I can't bear to exist without you there anymore.

I miss
Your bright, warming and truthful smile
I miss
Your innocent, pure and honest laugh
I miss
Your unwavering, strong and undying loyalty
I miss
Your soft, tender and loving embrace
I miss
Your quiet, compassionate and dedicated love
I miss
Your ******, delicate and natural body
I miss
You...

We are our own worst enemies
Everybody is a critic

You never loved your body and would cover the mirror anytime you saw it
It was never good enough for you and felt for others also
You told me how disgusting you were, how overweight and sunken your faced looked.
Told me how ugly you were and how your legs werent worth looking at
Until the day I first saw you I had no evidence to argue, but then I did see you...
...and you blew my mind
You were drop dead gorgeous in my eyes, the way your eyes shyly looked at me and the corners of your mouth creeped upward.

One day I saw you in nothing and my heart did it race
You were always beautiful, never once not, morning or night
But in nothing your body was perfect, your shape, and just every bit of you from head to toe I loved

Yet no matter what I said...you rejected the idea and refused to believe you were...
You couldnt see what I saw or feel what I felt...and it sunk my heart to see you view yourself so negatively

My perfect imperfection

I saw beauty in you where youd never felt like acknowledging, and the day I saw...there...you knew I wouldnt love you the same...but I did
I told you I loved you unconditionally and I thought you were perfect and you smiled
I thought id planted the seeds inside yourself to finally love you for you...

...guess I was wrong...
The mirror was covered this morning...

When* all things have been said and done,
When together we would laugh and play.
When time is up and we've had our fun,
When you're gone you're really far away.

What would I do without you here.
What to do when I lie alone.
What am I without you dear.
What is there but contact by phone?

Why is good always before bye?
Why must this be so hard to bear?
Why among stars does you name span the sky?
Why is a great distance something to share?

Who are you without a me beside you?
Who told us that love wasn't free?
Who you are shows through in the things you do.
Who said we needed anything but you and me?

Where are you headed after departing?
Where is strength among sadness?
Where fall my tears in which are starting?
Where does one find you in thy *madness?

I don’t want to spend
The rest of my life texting,
Emailing snap chatting and
Messaging you on Facebook.
I want to hold you,
Touch you and
Hear you whisper my name in the same space and the same time

To my darling angel, my heart goes to you,
I love being with you all the ******* time,
You have many nicknames but forever you're my boo,
Loving you my dear, should never be a crime.