lizard on warm rocks
an artist in their paint-speckled smock
the wind carrying fallen flowers
jade eyes meet brown
chastity belt unbound
hours upon hours
spent in between the sheets
delicate, delectable, free

my body carries a river of insecurity
causing floods upon innocent harbours
insane membranes, complex DNA
nobody is wired the same
no candle burns the same
but they all end the same

smoking like a chimney
exterminating the negativity within me
each **** relaxes my worrisome bones
each stroke relaxes the perpetual unknown
from this vice to that
from peace to combat
the contrasting colors within me
is why I'll smoke like a chimney
until cheap thrills **** me

watching the clouds from my plane seat
listening to Lana Del Rey speak
compounding words and motifs
wondering how this all came to be
me in the sky, diamonds in my eyes
and worry draped over me
trap me in the mind, time after time
the power of potent poetry

split mind
dichotomy between my head and feet
running away, leave towards the sea
explore the depths, explore me
the shore is suffocating and time is draining
my ankles feel burdened carrying all this dead weight
let me float into the unknown
let me scream at the waves
let me unfold
let me be reborn again

you incubated my fears
bottled up my tears
yet i cannot help but keep you near
you told me here, you hold me dear
but you treat me unfair
let your lies smear, mascara tears
drunken stupor off cheap beers
stuck within your toxic atmosphere
i pray to see the light of day
outside of this

get your hands off of my mouth
feel the smoke in my lungs while you burn down our house
ashes litter my hair, scratches litter my skin
drowning in this love drought
watching the new cycle begin
is love as destructive as a fire?
why is my heart as malleable as tin?
I thought it was ok before the light started to dim

kisses laced with poison
ropes squeezing my joints
is there even a point in struggling?
juggling all these expectations
hear my stomach rumbling
tumbling to live up to my name
dazed, trying to keep sane
who is the owl watching me?
who is the man under me?
why won’t it stop thundering?

my greatest dream and worst fear
my saving grace, my cheating dear
the hearth that burns deep
the emotions i keep
inside my shell, inside my tears
i wished for times, when i didn’t just roam
i wished for kind eyes and a tender soul
my wishes were granted
insecurity vanished

silence is your greatest weapon
nobody can gauge, the inner rage
that is willing to bubble up any second
compliance is your greatest weapon
feelings are saved, integrity betrayed
clean yourself up like an inspection

stomach aches, anxious daze
body anxiety ruining the day
candles burn, ravens sing
the feeling of death is sinking in
acceptance, repentance
anger comes in waves
transcendent, independence
refining my old ways

your name is irony
you were bound to bleed
cut my sisters and me
i thought you were family
you corrected me
you don’t have the capacity

i thought i was mentoring you
i thought i was beneficial
you were using me for all i could give you

wander while I ponder
wonder when I'm farther
out sea, just me, pisces
underwater, wonder if I can feel thunder
running from each other
wonder who can go farther
light green, I am a rusty lover
underneath, wonder if I can get better

3 years deep at least
hiding from yourself more than me
honesty is healing, your honestly killing me
why would you
say that, i need payback
say that, when you knew that
it was lies, projecting all the time
i let your into my house, into my life

blindsighted
i've stopped trying
this whole time, you were a fraud lying
blindsighted
i'm done crying
these bold lies, you were a fraud hiding
snake eyes, snake lips
jealous, bitter, narcissistic scripts
sweet nothings, fake adoration
this i could never predict

happy holidays, fresh white snow
eggnog ***** and fuzzy robes
red nose reindeer and frost-bitten toes
jingle bells and warm throws
happy holidays, hot black coal
SZA's SOS album and ctrl
apple pies and chip-filled bowls
cinnamon candles and a hearty soul

releasing this album has to be the hardest thing I have ever done
always wanted to but shame suppressed
hundreds of files, hundreds of tears wept
my heart painted across instrumentals and melodies
nervous, will people get me?
get the metaphors, get the meaning
purpose, will I let me?
embark on a journey toward the sun
leave everything I hated having to become
shed a few layers, re-introduce me
climbing to the top, sorry excuse me

gave you a mile
but you wouldn’t even take an inch
tried to be sweeter
just a pinch
tried to be a holiday
to the grinch
i tried to love someone tactless
i cried too much for a fake prince

i am a robot
stuck behind all these roadblocks
what came first?
the road or the blocks
i wish i didn’t give a ****
i wish i understood what it was
riddled with curiosity, plagued with confusion
never understanding the extent of my emotion
i am a robot
i am a token
i was made to be used
made to be broken

i love being in a pitch-black room
the void, the lack thereof
cannot see my fingers or
the things i could never love
it's the peace i crave, my hidden cave
no one to tend to
no one to pretend to
i love being in a pitch-black room
no peeking, just sleeping
dreaming of things anew
unfolding the possibilities, new brew

wounded by arrows
some missed but some hit
made my heart split
1 half hates, 1 half loves
1 black raven, 1 white dove
balance my mess
balance my loss
painting with the burgundy blood

no pressing crushes, no bruises to poke
losing autonomy, stuck on cruise control
hold me so I can feel something
no blessings are approaching, no stress is revoked
I choke on my sweet words, I am afraid of being hurt
worked until I was blind
numbed until I was fine
pressing buttons, I tried
to get a reaction, to prove our chemistry
to get a response, to prove you needed me
but you didn't
now it has ruined me

i let it all wash away
everything lives in the gray
my body is mine but my time is yours
you can kiss my body while on all fours
sorry to make you think i would
sorry i didn't think i could
get inside you, underneath your skin
confined in the priest all my fresh sins
did not even need any liquor
did not even need the devil

feast for the ancestors who were famished
embrace the familiar damage
bisou bisou, thankful for the room
used to be so stuffy in the old place
i left my feelings of inadequacy in my old ways
old space, watch the page turn
displace metaphors about the days turn
is getting older just getting further from my innocent joy?
is getting older just pretending that i feel joy?
a glimpse of it underneath the books that weigh heavy on my brain
trying to understand everything but neglecting vain
trying to fulfill the expectations expected of me
for my ancestors who were famished
i am grateful for the feast

many moons ago, i wished for growth
my own wishes have been granted
heart filled rivers no longer suspended
thought processes have ascended
became my recommended
became my #1 investment
many moons ago, i held you close
my dread is now all my own
haunted by images, pursuing solo
independent rivers
follow the erratic flow

never been addicted to the pursuit
loaded the gun but i would never shoot
i like where i am, i understand now
just had to see how it panned out
escapist oasis, touching land now
swam in muddy waters, searched for myself
thought i knew better, looked outside myself
follow the river into the ocean’s mouth
swallow my pride and shut my mouth
observe and serve
discern and curve

i feel like i am the only one hanging on
even the wind could blow us apart
your fingertips traced the cracks in my heart
the pieces a mosaic of pain
your disposition in the shadow of vain
how do flowers bloom?
is it natural, too focused on the factual
tunnel vision, student of the actual
if you wanted to, you would
if you sought to, we would

moonlighting, soul finding
i allowed myself room
night lifing, divine timing
i look up to the moon
thankful, grateful
two things I used to be unable
to connect to, reject anywho
shows me anything different than the patterns I have noticed
the patterns are now broken
shackles no longer immobilize me

haunted by your presence
your imprint in my powder
stamped on my heart forever
everything reminds me of you
I wish you didn’t matter
can’t even see pictures of me
without relating them to how you used to be
changed the way i see
pivotal in my evolution, delusional since rejection
been off the market, been on the grind
been second guessing
my part in the tragic fall, maybe i am not such a victim after all
maybe i am not so young and dumb after all
maybe i am better off

kissing silence instead of pushing her away
running away from any type of pain
night-crawling, snoozing all day
night-crawling, losing my days
smoke, smoke, smoke it all away
i can already feel myself elevate
they want me to pay for pills to fix my brain
i shouldn’t have to pay to stay sane

gaslit, bad trip
told my reality wasn’t happening
the present, in the moment
my cover is rupturing
for years i let your words cut me down
for years i let the shame run down
my bleeding face, kept up a violent pace
for who, for what, and why
for me, for you, why do I try
can never be right, stuck in wrong
can never be white, soaking in swan songs

i never second guess its omnipresence
but i do underestimate its lack of reverence
rendered second fiddle to my own body
my own mind, bubbling up inside
i should never second guess its power
thought i was built strong, that i would tower
until it broke me down like salt in water
like a fish out of water
gasping for my life, except theres no threat to see
silence is deafening, voices whispering
ribbons undoing, time i keep losing
i should never second guess its control
simply riding the monstrous waves as they come
i finally learned to swim, the first couple years nearly did me in
hide in shadows and caves, played the mind games
and i lost
tried to scale the waves
and i lost
i keep losing
anxiety keeps brewing
a fresh *** daily like your favourite brewery
pretty till broken like jewelry
imprison by my own cells
lacking in unity

leave room for progress
planning out my dreams laying on your chest
life is so sweet, so perfect
life is so good, am i deserving?
ive been hurt before, ive wished for more
but right now i am content
i am no longer drowning in my head
no longer wishing on candles for your hand
to intermingle with mine, to rewind the times
to when you got me high
once upon a life, prince and knight
oh our love story
was clearer than blue skies