the provocative dress i wore tonight

made you wonder if i wore it for you

i could feel your stare the whole night

watching as my body flowed

underneath the fluorescent lights

you noticed all my details

how i held my drink in my hand

how deep my curves were

how all the men in the club,

were doing the same as you

the one thing you all failed to notice

is what i hid underneath

you all failed to see the scar above my lip

and the fact that i chew my nails too often

and the purple galaxies that litter my skin,

under the confines of my dress

you were on your break when i walked into the bar
scrolling on your phone
to fill the void of boredom;
i presume.
didn't figure out your name by the time i left
does it even matter?

what does matter
is what i noticed about you
in that short amount of time:
a cold aura that surrounded you
a neatly trimmed beard to hide your acne scars
and a shy, yet assertive look that you shot my way a couple times
it was nice seeing you
till next time

im glad to have an outlet for my thoughts.
well?
it's been one hell of a year.
most times it felt like all my limbs were attached to horses,
all running in opposite directions.
other times,
i felt like i was lying atop a cloud.
how many tears spilled.
and giggles shared.
i'm just happy to be alive.

its a cat and mouse game
with a variety of circus acts to entertain me:

1. giggly, touchy, curly haired cutie
2. nonchalant, arrogant, nose pierced *******
3. bat **** crazy, rebellious leftist
4. jealous, overprotective teenage boy who likes giving black eyes

i know you care deep down
for more than just your friends
the one act i'd like to be in
is the one where i hold your hand through the smoke
and the one where i bandage you up,
by the end of the night

-λεγε τι εγινε;
-can i help βασικα;

-i just kinda want a hug y'know

-i'd give you one

conflicting species
test the limits
to assert power
between themselves

what if one day
all the traffic lights
flashed green,
cars
pedestrians
and anyone desired
were all told to go
at the same moment
chaos in inevitable
and so is death
but if manifest destiny called
would you rebel?
if all the lights flashed red
would you have the guts
to cross anyway?

always carrying a stoic expression
cemented.
until you see someone you'd like to get with
or one of your favorite snakes.
you radiate a black presence
a dark storm that tears up the halls
that only rarely
shines light through.

i wasn't sure why you sat next to me.
in my most important class.
but i never asked,
in fact, it never bothered me.

it wasn't until my best friend told me
that you admired me.
my passion.
my strive.
my dedication,
why didn't you tell me?
i'm sure id light your face up,
with my smile,
with pink dust cascading over my cheeks.

it's the complete opposite of sweater weather,
and for once,
i'm enjoying it.
feeling the hot sand between my toes,
the contrast of the cool waves lapping at my body
as i soak up the sun before i get in,
the all too familiar smell of sunscreen,
that lingers all the way home till i shower off the salt
that formed onto my skin.
the routine that i get into,
clears my head,
making me relish the remaining time i have of it:
the sweet smile of the waitresses once i order my coffee,
already making more plans even when i'm out of the house,
posting pictures of how great i look
without the crippling pressure of school
that weighs down my shoulders.
truly, i don't know how i manage,
when the time eventually rolls around to wear sweaters

the crimson rivers that flow through my veins
resemble the way tears run down my cheeks
like there's a dam within me
and it's constantly on the verge of breaking.
the cool undertones
that show through my pale skin
can tell you so many stories.
each capillary.
can recall an experience
of almost breaking through my epidermis
the ever so violent slashes
now faded
but still fresh in my mind.

the ethereal beauty of contrast;
the looming thunder clouds
against the rustic columns of the Acropolis
i've been wandering for a while now
weaving in between the olive trees
walking amidst the maze of houses that surround the mass of people
i search for my lover,
whom i do not know,
every corner i turn i look for him.
and i'll keep turning every corner,
hoping he'll gift me a wreath,
and walk up with me to overlook our beautiful city together,
for better or for worse,
for all eternity.

i do not belong in the arms of someone i can hurt
because i know of my power
and ive done it before
ive done it to you
and the last guy
and the one before that
im incapable of loving you fully
and that's not what you deserve

but its a deep rooted fear
that you'll hurt me first
im not afraid if your words cut me like a knife
rather the cold, metal blade that you bear at all times
simply the thought makes my cells tremble
so i beg of you
to leave me as soon as you can
before i beat you to it.

the school counselor
what a cliche
but your nonchalant attitude
is irresistible
you're young too
it's quite uncommon
how'd you get this job, if i may ask?
ignorance is bliss
as they say.
nonetheless, i haven't seen you much
except in the halls sometimes
but you called me downstairs the other day
and i noticed how you're not so perfect
as i imagined
you've got a beard to hide your acne scars
slightly overgrown eyebrows
but, very broad shoulders
dressed to the nines in a suit every day
blue or gray, to be precise
when you spoke to me
asking if i was skipping class
you were awfully close
not that i minded
i'm also not sure where you were looking
i hope at my lips
rather than my eyes
eyes are the window to the soul
and we both don't want to know
what my true intentions are

years back we were defined by the color of our skin

we thought it ended with all the martyrs who died for a better world

millions think the very earth we are destroying is utopia

everything filtered by a sole lens

only showing what they want us to see

when millions die simply to end up as a statistic

names?

faces?

no.

numbers.

in your eyes,
my worth is no more than an animal.
a dead one.
i'm simply here at your disposal,
for your pleasure,
whenever you'd like.

too bad i don't conform
to the norm of my age
clubbing and drinking till i stumble home
you've tried to convince me.
and you'll keep doing so,
until you can have me.
between your bedsheets,
covered in shameful marks,
just so you can boost your ego and compare to your friends.

we once walked together,
through the red arches.
we giggled from the fumes,
created by our chemistry.
the tension between us,
the good kind of tension.
we sipped liquid gold together,
as you observed my every move,
analyzing the way i reacted to the way
you said things.
don't think that i didn't notice.
your subtle gestures of chivalry,
earned you brownie points,
though, you were sweet enough that
you didn't need them.
the last time i saw you,
the moment i bid you goodbye,
was as i passed underneath those
****** arches,
as if the arches were the threshold
of my lucid dreams.

it is sad to realize
that my life is so dependent
on painkillers.
it seems as though every lecture
i sit through
the thought of alleviating my pain
crosses my mind.
doesn't matter if it's the common cold
or a stab wound
ill still seek to make myself feel better.

there might be a fire in the distance
it's a lingering fear
that it'll come near here
thought, it's inevitable

just like my fear of the flames
that will sear my skin
and fill my lungs with smoke
i'm afraid of the fire
that you'll rekindle
in the depths of my soul

the water levels are rising
my eyelashes have tainted the pale skin
of mine
angelic white to pitch black
the water is too hot
it's spilling over the edge
and i can't breathe

your worth is defined by others.
whatever they believe,
you believe.
a feeding tube attached directly to head and to your heart.
with poison.
with lies.
with nonsense.
none of the words that you say,
are yours.
stolen.
it's almost as if you built yourself a wooden house,
and without a second thought,
doused it with gasoline,
and lit it on fire.

mama told me never to talk to strangers
but what if those strangers were my age?
and they asked me for my number from a balcony?
i didn't see the harm
and ultimately there wasn't any

all i remember from that night
30 strangers and my two best friends
flashlights illuminating the rough path;
an off road with branches blocking the way
i remember the laughter that echoed in the darkness
and the screams upon reaching the abandoned house
goofin' in the moonlight
stepping into another world
the only thing that brought me back
was a scratch
and once we all reached back to reality
the lasers flashed from across the street into my hotel room.

from the minute i open my eyes,
the fixation overwhelms any other thoughts.
it never goes away.
my nose twitches simply at the thought.
it's too late.
my brain chemistry,
has already been altered.
so shut up,
and get me my fix.

it seems as if it was only yesterday
that it was my first day of kindergarten
i dont remember what i wore
or what i had for breakfast
or who i sat next to in class
though i do remember
how my date stood me up at prom
or that time i snuck out with my friends
to drink *****
amd explore the forest with strangers
alone in the dark
just as how the years have gone by
and i cant remember with immense detail
what happened in kindergarten
soon the things that matter to me now
might not mean the same
in a couple of years time

i must be losing my mind
the void that's slowly engulfing me
is getting bigger.
the darkness that's threatening to rip all in sight
is only growing with every one i meet.
my sanity shrinking.
thoughts directing my tunnel vision
to a path of violence.

****** knuckles
bruised limbs
bashed skulls

i think i'm in too deep,
so i'll just settle.

the more time passes.
the less i understand you.
you flirt with me,
and i give you the same energy back.
then the next time i see you,
you're wearing a turtleneck that's purple and red.
you avoid my glances in the halls,
yet i can feel your stare,
when you dont think i notice.
im honestly quite fed up.
and just the minute that i stop caring,
i feel you staring at me with intention.
you want me to look up at you.
but someone else,
had their arms slung around my shoulders.
the jealousy is oozing from your pores,
but your pride wipes it all away
and i pretend i can't see the stains it left behind

at the end of the day,
it all comes down
to the greed of others.
an invisible possession,
that eats at the souls,
of jealous human beings.
it almost feels wrong to call them humans.
as they do not deserve
to lower the bar
for the people who are genuine,
who have passion,
who have worked for what they have.

they're the tarnished silverware,
the rotten fruits,
and the broken computers,
that deserve to be thrown out.

thinking back to all the times i've cried myself to sleep
i find that i can never remember the reasons why.
could've been the blood running down my pale cheeks,
or the purple galaxies that were drawn all over my chest;
the stitches ripping at the seams of my mind.

it's not like it even matters.
it's for the best that the memories i have fit together,
like a mismatched puzzle.
summoning my past doesn't have any effect either
i've blocked everything,
as deep as the marianna trench,
for the sole reason,
to keep everything hidden,
even from myself.

cleary here isn't where i wanna be
let's fast forward time
so that i could have more of an idea
of what i'm supposed to accomplish
who i'm supposed to meet
what i need to go through
to truly reap what i sow
grab my shoulders and shake
maybe that'll help for the time being
but i guess for now
i'll feel the entropy violently increase
as each minute goes by

it's funny how time
can shift the series of events in your life
one night
a year ago
im sitting in your room
you're up in the clouds
and i'm listening to you
down on earth

we haven't spoken since i left
the foreign land
in which you reside in

you're back home
and you'd like to meet
of course
even though you broke my heart
without knowing
roughly a year ago
we decided to sit over coffee
and i think it was
my best decision
in a long time

ive got my nails painted all the colors of the rainbow
little ones running all around my feet
the sounds of sickening screaming and laughter
fill and overflow my thoughts
and i have no recollection of the time
all the clocks are frozen
there's the tv in the corner with the news channel
and the news anchor is screaming in a language i don't understand
in the next door room
the adults drink themselves silly
my mother calls me in
her eyes are rimmed with crystal clear *****
next thing i know,
im texting my dad back home
how to keep my brother and the kids safe
from the drunken ******* which is my mother.