Welcome to the home of the free,
The land of the divided

Welcome to a land filled with greed,
The one-percent who have the need
To silence dissent, keep those below them
Complacent in a system that favors money
Over ethics and honesty

Welcome to a nation full of deceit,
Land of misinformation and misery.

Welcome to a nation where the wheels
spin propaganda for a leader.

Welcome to a nation where a leader  
Forgoes democracy and takes a page
From a communist and dictator,
Crowning himself King of the ages.

Who needs dignity when you've got vanity?
Who needs honesty when you're a liar?

Welcome to a nation where truth doesn't matter
Welcome to a country on fire.

Divided, we stand, divided we fall.

America the Beautiful, America the tall.

Who will be there to save us all?

If time heals all wounds,
And time is essential
when it comes to love

Why, after all this time,
Do I still love you?

It's been months
And I can't get you out of my head.

We went different ways,
and now it seems
I'm doing everything I can
To hide my feelings in plain sight.

April went to September,
And September went to December,
And I can't bring myself to tell you
How I really feel.

I don't want to lose you
And I'm afraid you don't love me
The way I love you.

They say time heals all wounds.

How long will it take,
Before I get over you?

Over the past few months,
I've realized nobody is perfect.
Not even myself.

I've realized it's okay to fumble.
It's okay to fall.

It's okay let my emotions
Get the best of me.

It's okay to be angry.
It's okay to be sad.

And I've realized
It's okay to slip up
And fall off the tracks.

I know I'll get right back on the path,
And head towards the direction
The direction towards redemption
And the acceptance of self,
Instead of seeking approval from others.

I know I've made mistakes in the past.
And I've made mistakes in the present day.

For far too long,
I've lived my life,
With a cloud of regrets
Hanging over me.

I can't let the past or present,
Dictate how I live my life.

To move forward,
I have to learn to love myself,
Instead of seeking love from others.

I must learn to forgive myself,
So I can forgive others.

Life is filled with trial and error,
We're all trying to find ways
To find solutions to problems
Instead of trying to fix ourselves.

Today is the day
I work on fixing myself.

I can't live my life
Focusing on the past.

It's time to enjoy life.

It's time to move forward.

I said I won't let my demons haunt me
And every day, I lie to myself
Saying I'm getting better.

I address the problems
That only seems to affect the surface.
I ignore the underlying issue,
that I refuse to bring up from my inner hell.

I'm ignoring a part of myself,
That monster that wants to destroy
Everything in its path.

I'm ignoring a part of myself,
The monster, who's an addict.

I try to keep the beast away,
And somehow, he tempts me.

I've been sober for years,
Yet there's one voice in my head
That tells me to stop resisting temptation.

The monster in my mind,
Tells me, "Just one more time."

I want to run away.
Yet I can't seem to escape him.
Not this time.

The monster is always there,
In my head, haunting me.

I won't let him win.

Dear diary, it's been two years since I last wrote to you.

I'm still an addict,
at least in my head.

My self-destructive tendencies,
Fed by the monster who wants me dead,
Will lead me down a dark path,
If I don't do something now.

I'm treading a fine line.
One misstep and I lose everything
I fought to live for.

One misstep, and I lose the ones I love.

I can't let him win.

Dear diary, I can't take this anymore.
I'm finally admitting that I need help.

Life's greatest mysteries
Are hard to understand.
Some question life after death,
Others question the past.

The greatest mystery to me
One I can't wrap my head around,
Is how you fell in love with me.

I'm impossible and stubborn.
You're understanding and patient.

I'm self-destructive and tear myself down.
And when I'm near my breaking point and falling apart,
Somehow you're always there
To pick up the pieces and put me back together.

You see right through the walls,
The walls I built around myself.

You look past my flaws when I can't look past them myself.
You tell me I'm perfect just the way I am,
When all I see is a monster hiding underneath.

I don't know how someone like you met someone like me.

And I'm grateful that you've given me a chance to be with you.

Because of you:
You gave me a reason to believe.
You gave me a reason to fight,
and to conquer my demons.
You gave me a reason to exist,
When I didn't want to live anymore.

If love is the greatest mystery,
I don't want to question anything else.
I'll spend a lifetime decoding
The messages to spend a lifetime with you.

There were times when
I looked up to you

There were times when
I thought I had a brother
Who gave a **** about me.

Somewhere down the road,
Emotions veered off course
And you became another stranger

You became a stranger to me,
and everyone that loved you.

You turned into a monster,
Drinking down your emotions,
Morphing them into hate

You were mad at the world,
And angry at everyone around you.

You resorted to violence,
because that was the only time
you felt you could get your point across.

You abandoned your father,
Your son, your daughter
When things didn't go your way.

You moved, you started a new family.
And when it went south,
You decided enough was enough, taking your own life.

You lived your life
With the notion
that everyone was against you

It was you against the world.

No one would listen,
No one gave you a chance.
No one believed in you.

I gave you a chance.
Your father gave you several.

You abandoned your kids,
and they still came crawling back.

Your sisters didn't give up hope,
and you still believed you were public enemy number one.

Now that you're gone,
It's almost like you've abandoned us again.

There are no more chances to make amends.

In spite of that, there is room for forgiveness.

I forgive you for leaving me.
For leaving your son, your daughter,
Your father, your mother,
And your sisters behind.

Your demons got the best of you.

I won't let mine get the best of me.

I forgive you for everything you've done to me,
And those who loved you.

I won't forget you.
And neither will they.

I have to accept you're gone.
You're never coming back.
There's nothing I can do
to bring you back to life.

I have to accept it
and move on.

For far too long,
I kept my emotions bottled up inside.

I kept telling those I love I’m okay,
Even though I’m falling apart.

When I got that call on a Sunday night,
I did my best to keep it all together.
But the cracks in my heart started to bleed
And I couldn’t take it any longer.

I’ve lost my sister,
My friend, my father and now my brother.

I went my entire life not telling them
I’m sorry or how much I cared about them.

It seems life has a way of reminding me time is short.

I don’t want to go through life regretting everything.
And I don’t want to lose anyone else without telling them
How much they mean to me.

My whole life is filled with regret
And I know I can’t change that.

All I can hope, and all I can do
Is to be a better person
And right my wrongs, tell those around me
How much I love them.

It took losing someone
…to make me feel again.

The world around me is revolving slowly
While the people surrounding move faster & faster
As I am caught in between the fibers of time

Why am I here?
Do I even belong?

My only therapy is the songs I hear in my head.
My only medication is the drugs that make me wish I were dead.

I'm just a shell of my former self.
I'm not what I used to be.

It seems there's no resolution,
only an empty cell waiting for me in this institution.

Dear diary, please help me now.

There's only so much abuse I can inflict upon myself.

The cuts on my wrist, the empty bottle of pills
The lacerations on my fist, shaking from the anger still.

I've got my fix, each line getting me higher.
The only answer getting more apparent, as my lows keep climbing to the ladder.

My sanity escaping.
Depression creeping
As the ghost of death takes over me.

Oh diary, it seems it's goodbye to you and me.
It seems no matter what I do, the world isn't going to accept me.

I'll never belong.

I'll always be different.

Goodbye and goodnight.

I'll see you on the other side.

----------------------------

Dear diary, I'm an addict.

Yesterday was proof of concept.

Tomorrow is a death wish.

If I don't do something now,
I may never get to see the light of day.

Dear diary, please help me now.

Because I can't do this alone anymore.

It's been since October,
Since I've last heard from you

The cold wind blows,
And sometimes,
I hear you calling my name.

The ghost of you following me.
Everywhere I go.

The sun comes alive,
Giving me hope
That in the end,
Life isn't so bad
after all.

I may fall.
I may have my moments,
When I feel like a loser.

...Deep down inside
I know that's not true.

My life has a purpose,
This, I know.

This purpose I've yet to find,
But it's still a long way down.
The road less traveled.

All I ask is that you
walk with me
And stay by my side

Be my guardian angel,
Be my compass.

Guide me in the right direction,
because I don't know
which way to go.

I've been lost for so long,

It's time I step out of the shadows,
It's time I start living my life.

I don't know what hell you've been through,
I'm not sure how many days,
You've endured loneliness and neglect

You could have reached out.
Instead, you decided.
Living was just a game,
And completely took everyone by storm.

And I'm not sure why
You took your own life.

I'll question it 'til the end of time.

You've had so much going for you.
But in your eyes, there was nothing left to live for

Why you couldn't speak up,
Before it was too late...

Why you didn't tell anyone,
And only gave us a short moment's notice.
Before you pulled that trigger

How was it logical,
Perfectly normal,
For you to think
You'll leave this world today?

...Now all we have,
Are the memories and the image of
What we once knew how you used to be

Look behind you,
What you may see may disturb you.

What you once were
isn't what you are now.

It's not the physical appearance; the way you dress
Not the tone of your voice,
the change in your character –
But the difference in your demeanor

You've developed from a carefree soul
to a figure you never imagine yourself being

The lines on your face,
developed from years of hardship;
days in which you endured, prevailed
fell back down, got back up again

Weeks in which you worked day to day,
Just to make ends meet. Months in which
You struggled to keep up on your feet.

Your past self imagined the world would be cold and dark.

In every way, you see it's worth it.

Worth each waking morning.

This may not be what you wished for
When you were younger...

...It's all a part of living life.

We eat, we drink, we live, we die.
Pay our debts to survive.

We have to live through hardships,
To make it throughout life.

We’ve traveled for a long while now,
And I don’t regret each moment...
Spent together with you.

All we have is each other these days,
And to be honest, I’m perfectly OK with that
Who am I without you?
(Who are you without me?)

You helped a fragile heart,
Unlocked it from a keepsake treasure box
Kept it living, kept it breathing
Kept it pumping, kept it bleeding

You helped push me forward when I was too scared to move.

You gave me courage,
You gave me strength

Something I could never feign

_________

Look at me,
A hundred miles away
From home, from friends
From family and loved ones alike

You say it’s a big jump.
While I agree; I’m willing to take the risks

What’s life without boundaries?

However, I’ll be the first to admit: It’s not easy.

I will miss them dearly.

I know they’ll be in my heart,
As I will be in theirs.

But I need to move on with my life.

I need to take that final leap of faith
And let love guide the way to a better life

Two years forward,
Life continues to move on.

I take steps to avoid,
Going back to the hell
I once put myself in.

I remember telling you,
"Please forgive me if I forget you right now."

I took a precautionary measure,
To save me from demise.

I was so fragile back then.

Any memory of you,
Made me feel like I,
I was the cause of your death.

I blamed myself for every little thing.

I wasn't there when I should've been.

...When I was mourning your loss,
They told me to stop being ******* myself.

"You did nothing wrong.", they would assure me.

In a way, they were right.

However, I can't stop but think,
That the smallest gestures
Would have made an impact,
And you'd be here tonight.

Maybe you would be alive to this day.
But reality sank in. I realized...
There was nothing I could do,
To save your life.

Moving on seemed like the only option.
As hard as it was to admit, I had to let go.
There was no way I could bring you back into this world.

I had to face tomorrow like it was another day...

Another day has gone by without seeing you smile,
Another day has gone without hearing your voice.
Another day has gone by, and I had no choice
but to move on without you by my side.

When you’re too afraid to speak up,
Too scared to reveal the hidden
Emotions that haunt you day to day --
That’s when you know,
you know you’ve got to do something quickly.

You’ve kept it all in for too long,
Abuse, neglect, torture, and regret.
You’ve got a long life ahead of you,
But in your eyes, it seems you’ve reached the end.

The scars on your wrist,
the blood on your hands,
the tears in your eyes -- they all tell a story.

I can tell how much you’ve been through on the outside.

On the inside, I can’t help but only imagine
if you’re actually holding back the real motive.

I can tell that you long to die.

Before you decide to take that step,
I want you to close your eyes and imagine a world without you.

Imagine all the people who genuinely care about you.

What will happen if you decided to take your life?

Think about the people who love you.

Think about your friends, even relatives who seem not to care on the outside.

In the end, they’ll all feel the pain.

Your friends wouldn’t be the same,
Some would become distant.

Your family would be mourning the loss: especially the ones closest to you.

They’ll all change.

Not for the better,
But for the worst.

You can roll your eyes all you want.
I know I’m getting through you.

I know, deep inside, you’re listening to what I have to say.

My point is...
Despite all the bullying,
despite all the harassment,
despite the beatings...

You have people that care about you.

Put yourself in their shoes.
What would they do without you?

Your life’s story is haunting,
Filled with the worst memories imaginable
How can a soldier like you deal with the trauma?
The experience? The witness to the killings and suicide bombings?

You’re out there, fighting for what you believe in.
Not knowing if you’ll ever come back home,
Knowing if you’ll see your loved ones again.

All you do is hope for the best, stay on guard,
Gun fully loaded, waiting for an unexpected target to pass you by,
While you oversee others and step over land-mines.

You wish this was over with. Six months may not seem long.
But to you, it feels like you’ve been here forever.
You keep your head up, no matter the circumstances.

You can’t help but go crazy, in moments where
The enemy steps over the line without a glance,
You lose your mind, lose it so fast.
Pulling the trigger out of instinct,
You label yourself as a criminal,
Killing only being politically justified.

Your comrades say it’s out of defense,
While this may be true, the guilt hovers over you.

So tell me, soldier: How does it feel.
Fighting for a country you love,
Feeling remorse for carrying out the deed,
Receiving honors for a mass killing spree?

How have you kept up without shattering to tiny little pieces?

You want to know the real me.

Be my friend. Be my crutch when I need support.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again...

I'll let you in. All you have to is ask.

I'm no stranger when you see what's inside my head.

I may be confused, delusional, and a little dangerous.
Look closely, and you'll find the better part of me.

You may like it, you may not, but if you don't cross that barrier.
You'll never get to find out who I really am.

Unless you take the invitation, you won't get the chance to discover that:

I am weak, I am strong.
I am talented, I am wrong.
I'm a paradox; I'm part of the demented.
I'm both optimistic and pessimistic.

I am extraordinary; I'm blessed with an altruistic heart.
I'm able to attentively listen with an open mind, open arms.
Able to discern what's really bothering you before you start speaking.
Able to make you smile without purposely meaning.

I am everything and all the above, not quite human, but well enough.

I could be the most incredible person in history.

What you see is a sample,
A taste, an example.

If you want to discover more,
Press onward.

I am incredible.

Forgive me if I neglect you.

I am trying to clear my head.

I don’t despise you.

My reason is I can’t continue suffering. They’ve moved on. Why can’t I?

It’s been over a year. Imprinted in time, your ashes kept alive.
Your body is placed to rest, your loved ones living a lie.
I kept busy, kept myself in denial
so that I could live in comfort and peace

Then reality struck me like a brick wall
and I fell down, weeping for my loss.

I replaced grieving with regret.
Committed acts I never imagined let set

Months progressed, I have repaired,
Repressed the memory to forget -
Only to have it come back around with a stronger hit.

I want you to know I have always cared about you.
I…I wish I could have been a better person,
but I pulled away, and you left the world without warning.

To this present day,
more than a year since I laid my eyes on
the body resting in calm repose,
my heart continues to ache immensely.

I assure myself I must go on. I need to let go.
Just promise me you’ll remember me.

Your passing has me living under a dark cloud;
please forgive me if I forget you right now.

Don’t stare below,
The heights to a higher place affright you.
The ground shook, the air frigid,
the people stood in shock.
You kept your balance.
you threaten to descend,

they send a plea,
begging you to ascend.
The others, calling you
to step off the ledge.

We’re not fools.
This isn’t a test,

We’re sorry you let your guard down,
Don’t let this get to you.
You’re not misplaced.

Risking your life,
Benefiting the satisfaction of others;
Won’t solve your problem.
Evaluate before you subjugate.
From your distance,
They’re just little specks in the concrete.

The limit is the sky.
You can become what your heart desires.

I’m cognizant of the stranger’s honest opinion,
They barely know who you are. They say what they’ve said before.
Why not change it?
Show them you’re incredible.
Prove to them you’re not a failure, be their friend - not their foe.

Explain to them what brought you this far,
I’m sure they’ll be happy to assist,
Give you a helping hand.

Take your time, I’ll be waiting.

When I turn back around,
I expect you to come back to me.

We all care, dear. It just takes a moment to find out.
To put your faith back and restore your trust.
We all have a purpose; you just have to set out and discover your own.

"It's best we make it count."

"Mean what you say."

You beckon him to speak up.
He waits for you to make the first move.

The forgotten dialogue left unspoken,
Your clenched fist,
his hands begin pulling you in.
His first kiss, your dream come true.
His fantasy unveiled. Your harbouring adoration revealed.

The sensual touch,
The warmth, spreading like fire.
A comforting, welcoming addition.

You lose track of reality.
That's fine by him, by you.

You pull back,
Greeted by his glistening eyes.

He whispers the words,
Three little words.
And you know
You don't have to repeat it.

He understands wholeheartedly.

No need in giving him the satisfaction,
When he's got you in his arms.
And that's all you ever wanted.
That's all you ever need.

He doesn't need to hear it,
When he figured you out.
Compassion, longing
Your main priority.

You tell him it's not over,
He wants this to continue,
And you want more.
His guess less than three words.

You nod in approval.
He coins the term, "lovers",
As he places his lips back to yours.

Time.
A fraction of a second, you called my name.

Reunited.
This rope, cut free from the time I've spent with you, remembering the promise of being together forever.

Second chances,
All that you had to give me when I was at fault, when I was the one who kept you up at night. When I was the one who fought the fight, you remained persistent through it all.

Forgiving.
Waiting for the phone call,
Knowing that if I come back,
You'd relieve yourself of despair.

Displaced.
Spreading like a virus,
the predicament you wished you'd never have to face.
Broadcast over a series you wished you haven't watched or set eyes upon.

While you were waiting at the doorstep to resolve the situation,
He was displaced, immersed in the river before you could come to realisation.

You exhaled, breathing in the life you're so lucky to have,
Mourning over the thought of one more day without him.

You could have changed the past.
Reversed the roles of right and wrong.
Tell him, that through it all, he's still your serenading song,
Before you left him on the roadside.

Waking up, curtains closed near the bedside.
The alarm clock ringing, reading six past two.
You bring yourself to, walking past the obstacles scattered on the floor.

The entrance of the door, only arms length away.
You open it, only to feel betrayed.

You expected presence,
You wanted something more than solitary,
Something more than waking up alone.

You're only talking to yourself.
In your head, your conscious wanting insight on what lead you through this path.

You carry on the day,
With a weight on your shoulders.

Everyone you see is a familiar face,
Are you sure they're your friend?
Would you believe what they say, just for the sake of colloquy?
You go along with it, only to feel betrayed.

Approaching the buildings ahead, the debate conveys.
You stop & stare.
Consternation, fear, the crowds see through you.

You walk along, only to feel betrayed.

The facts keep on going,
You keep on showing,
Dreading, knowing, they remember the worst of you.

Unlocking the door, five stories above your home,
You study the people from before, lacking in trust, faith. Promises and fate. The closer they get, the more you hate.

You close your eyes, only to feel betrayed.