I beg for something,
but I don't know what.

I long for something,
maybe a new love.

My heart crushed between my hands.

The scars inside and out
scream for someone to understand.

But I look at the clock,
2a.m.

And the coffee I drink
can only keep me awake before I lose each part of who I am.

Then I find
fear
or
solace
within my bed.

I'm never quite sure
which one will find its way
into my head.

I live a life of unfulfilled dreams.
trips never travelled and sights never seen.
words never written and photos never taken.
a world full of wonder and I sit here unshaken.
one would think of glorious adventures ahead,
but I'm just trying to find a way out of bed.

I think about when you left.
Never looking back.
Not even to check.
I just stood there
with my hand clutching my chest.

I know you didn't mean it.
You said you were sorry
and that this was
how you had to leave it.

But my arms feel empty
with nothing to hold.
And I'm left with this
giant
gaping
hole.

The cold trembles at my lips and I can feel shivers run down my dimpled skin.
My breathe forms in front of me as if it were its own entity.
The leaves crumple beneath my feet and I grin at the sound.
Your hand is weak in mine,
But I know you'll never let go.
I can feel your eyes trace me as I continue on in my own world.
The eloquence of your every step is lost in the protruding sound of mine.
I laugh and giggle as you watch and observe with the faintest of smiles.
The light from scattered lamp posts illuminate our silent conversation,
And I am lost in everything you are.

Snow hits my face and you brush it away unconsciously.
We stop and look up at the stars between the delicately placed clouds.
Your hand tightens around mine and I can feel you take in everything around us.
We count the lights in the blackened sky knowing that we could never possibly finish.
But we know we have a lifetime,
So we try.

space is never ending
between you and me
stretching and bending
finding ways to grow
quietly moving
and expanding

Fog seeps through every inch of me
Distorting my views of
You
Cleansing me of each thought of
You
These bleak misunderstandings of
You
Because it was really never actually about
You

that last breath you took,
was it for me?
or did you waste it begging for bravery?

my soul is withered
without a home.
my body has become tired,
restless without bones.
I no longer live
because there is no reason
to breath.
waking up each morning
in a drunken dream.

it's so different now
it's as if that love I had for you was a candle trying to stay lit in a storm
and it was finally blown out
but I haven't any matches to light it again

I misplaced you.
How could I have been so careless?

I never thought I could be so content,
with your head in my lap
and your heart in my chest.

You were like a flower.
But a rose without petals.

*Nothing but thorns.

Death’s mouth holds tight,
His secrets kept under his tongue.
And while he has no preferences
No treasured
No dearest
No prized,
He has a schedule,
That he must abide.

"how is it that we have become so distant?" he asked.
"well, my love, you seem to have found a different disposition that no longer requires my assistance."

I love him, but he'll never know.

floating above mountain tops
and swimming through seas.
my dreams become lonely in the morning when I leave.
lost between my pillow cases
are journeys forgotten and redeemed,
but the moon remembers to smile when I slip into bed
and my dreams forgive my absence
to find me once again.

cold coffee warming my hands
the ghost of you staining my heart
the thought of us drifting apart

drop me in the ocean,
let my arms wave.
let me drown
in the waters uncharted
and regained.
balloons floating above me,
filled with my unconscious dreams.
I struggle and tug at the strings strangling me

maybe that wasn't really me
that
drowning
sinking
feeling
or the crisp autumn air that touched my cheeks
maybe that was just--

oh
but what if it was me?
what a sweet feeling
to know that I was alive
even though I was dying
to know that I had lived
even though my last thought
my last breath
may be the ones currently occupying
that space
in which I most certainly was--

and then when it did go black
when there truly was nothing left
and my body no longer recognized
what it saw
what it felt
what it hoped
what it dreamed
yes,
when there was truly nothing left--

ahh I see
yes,
how silly to think
that it wasn't me
brushed with the feeling of wet pavement
a glimpse of the churning grey sky
on the other side
and my thoughts became so small
that the color red became irrelevant
and my skin
such a porcelain white
touched by many hands
but none were mine--

how silly really
to think
I was still alive

-h.j.-

I'm so far from home
I can't even find it on my map
I've been circling the same block for so long
each tree has grown to hide me even further
but I keep walking in that same circle
hoping it turns into a straight line

I am enamored by you.

Ships sail from sea to sea,
but even that beauty
can't beat the unrequited dream

*of what we could be.

broken wings
and fallen angels.
shiny things
with cogs and wheels.
turning further
from the truth,
I've never loved
one much like you.

how much longer until my future?
I know I'm living in it,
but when does it get better?
I thought that the present meant now,
but I think we're mistaken
because all I can picture is what is still waiting.

I never meant to say goodbye.
But it escaped from my mouth and it felt so right.
And you didn't have to say it back,
but you let it fall from your lips as slowly as it sped away from mine.

I find myself free falling
pulled by gravity
watching the ground slowly sneak up on me
and if I knew a way to slow my fall
maybe it would be your arms
that caught my all
but you seem disinterested
distracted by the sky
I'm just another spec of dust
something that's in abundace to find

She never did learn to love.

*Only how to run.

I'm so unhappy
being this being
of unresolved
uncomforts and broken
unrealistic dreams
of wanting to be a new
something without a way
of becoming
it's this pain so deep
even I can't reach it
in a place where only I can feel it
and I smile and wave
while people say
"wow, she looks so happy"
but I fake so much
I almost think it's real
and then I'm reminded
with a tear stained window
that I've never been so unhappy

I never take my own advice.
I say to love with your whole heart but I only love with half of mine.

I am a poet
and my words bleed my blood
they say what I feel
and breath through my lungs

Please.

Leave now and break every piece of me

or*

leave later and make me forever incomplete.

The trees whispered among their leaves.
The wind;
    Among the breeze.

And we?

Well.
*We spoke within our dreams.

My love.
You are lost.
But as am I.
How on earth,
will we ever
intertwine?

thrown into new understandings
given earth beneath my feet
taking what love I encounter
falling harder
never faster
I grow from unbridled, invasive flowers
seeking uncontrollable laughter
escaping the soulless sorrow
I am wild, free
but still broken

so late
so tired
all I want
no all I need
is sleep
but I'm here
lying here
waiting here
reading those
words that you
never wrote to me
and I'm wondering
what they might
have said
but all I can
think of are those
empty pages with
those thoughts
you never actually
dreamt.

I've tried so hard to remember the love
that I've spent so long dreaming of.
wilted fireflies drawn from dust
and burned down memories
split from us.
we used to run with abandoned guile
deceiving each other with jilted smiles.

empty hands with nothing to hold.
waves crashing against my broken bones.
I gave it a shot,
trying to swim to you.
but you let me drown
in the thought of you.

Your heart was somewhere else.

I looked so hard,
but you hid it well.

take only what you need
and leave the rest for me.
my emotions are poor
and hardly comforting.
they have become stiff
and raw since you decided to leave.
I'm not sure anymore what it is
that seems to be ailing me.
for if it was you
it would mean I still have love in my heart.
but my dear,
I assure you that I surely do not.

maybe it's me.
maybe there is just somethig about myself that I don't see.
maybe my intelligence isn't what I thought it to be.
because you seem to look right through me whenever I speak.

but maybe that's just me.

maybe it's the way I say my t's without actually pronunciating.
or it could be my abundant narcissistic tendencies.
because you never seem to actually see me.

but maybe it's just me.

Mischief wanders
falling deep.
Twisting and turning
beneath your feet.

it's hard to let go of something
you have held onto for so long.
watching it drift away,
caught in the wind.
tears stream from your face
and it feels like your chest has caved in.
but watching this thing die,
something you've known for your whole life,
means there will be a new beginning.
whether you're ready for it or not.

nostalgia for the past
creeps into every part of me.
overflowing my heart and my mind
with waters I will chart only once.
like a map with millions of pin holes,
my life is covered with people and places I have loved.
seen through these eyes and felt through this heart
are things I will continually long for.

what if
we have felt
everything we
will ever feel?

Life sustains with a flicker,
but lives with a flame.

A noose slips when your feet do,
and a gun fires when there is nothing left
to claim.

like a night in October you swept me into you.
someone to comfort me and teach me what it is to lose.
because you left the moment I cradled your name between my lips
and I knew the reason you captured myself
was for your own certain bliss.
but just like October you came and you went
and I watched the leaves turn without your hands on my every inch.

Don't love me to love me.
Love me to never lose me.

Hold me to never watch me go
and kiss me to never say goodbye.

Keep me only yours
*and I will keep you only mine.

falling out of love with you
was like falling asleep.
first slowly and then all at once.

Time is only a peace keeper.
Left to babysit the helpless.
It leaves us in handcuffs wrestling with priorities for the sane-less.
We fold our hands and twiddle our thumbs
hoping for silence which never comes.
We are broken in the shadows of a downtrodden land
and we are never affixed to see what it is that holds us to the ground.
I reach for something so far in the distance,
it's as if I'm a toddler grasping for vision.
I don't walk without stumbling and I promise you I'm not perfect.
But how in this world are we supposed to live with purpose?

all the pretty people
with pretty little faces
fake little hearts
and interrupting gazes
laughing away empty tears
loaded guns whisper in their ears
bottles of pills, personally filled
fake pretty people in millions of pretty pieces

Your eyes,
so lost in everything

but me.

Was I really that ordinary?
I was last on your list of

meaningless
ludicrous
mundane

priorities.