i can't make you love me
and it pains me to admit
no matter how many times
i pleasure you
or touch you
it couldn't possibly help
i despise how obvious it is
that i am constantly savoring
your every kiss
memorizing your lips
and how they fit mine
just right
gazing into your eyes
until everything turns hazel
stroking your rough skin
and learning the landmarks
of your exterior surface
please just stay prisoner
in my bed
just wish i could look into
your mind
to know what you truly think
of me
and us
but how can i expect you
to love me
when i can't even
love myself

i'm not sure what to do with all the distance
it's been months that have felt like years
i can remember when you came into my life in the winter
and I can remember when you left in the summer
arrival and departure
the distinct difference between the two
i'm only at the thin line of division
the way my emotions don't add up
like miscalculated algebra
all to your advantage
i kept your love letter
the letter where you plagiarized a novel
because i wasn't good enough for your own words
that was my only closure
i wanted desperately to burn the stuffed bears from the carnival
i could only part with one
when i hold it close to me
i feel like how a child would
expecting prizes only in fabric and cotton stuffing
not words of affirmation or love
i almost drove by your house
but i knew i would only go mad thinking
of who has been touching your new furniture that i helped pick out
leaving their fingerprints in place of mine
i miss my t-shirts that you still have
i hope when and if you wear them
you can feel me close
my heart beating where yours is
sometimes i feel like i miss you enough for you to show up
as if my pain could teleport
the craving of a complete closure
one where i don't need liquor or a lighter
others bring up your name
as if i'm not in the process of misplacing the letters
or dismissing the syllables
i've been trying to forget your face
your face of sharp bones
flaring nostrils
and nostalgic lips

i've been trying to imagine if that night would have never happened
when that veteran couldn't take himself anymore
he chose you to be his last interaction
it was all in hints
he was screaming for help without making a sound
how were we supposed to know
i still wonder where that blue jay is that he buried behind the building
i just couldn't bare to see it
now i wish i made a map
X marks the spot where our love died
i remember when you had to bury your own blue jay
you never saw it coming
you took the wrong step and it was under your foot
just like he said his bluejay was
fidgeting and fighting for life
i'd like to think it was a sign from him
to let you know it's possible to move on and forward
so you did
you moved on to scabbed skin and worn-out lungs
i moved on to scholarly headaches and false pretenses
back then i could never fathom my days without you
now i find it difficult to recall how we were
it feels like our romance was a dream
because it only felt real when i was asleep

when you say
that I am what you want
how can I believe you.
I deeply want to
but how can I
when you do
what you do
and act
how you act
how could I ever see?

I want to rip you apart
until you are merely fragments of human
ripped and vulnerable
then I could finally tell you
how I feel
about you
about us
about the way I strive for us to exist together
in this lonely universe.
I would glue you back
piece by piece
carefully and slowly
making sure you are still just as perfect
as you were before.
but I know that no matter what
you will be
you make my heart sing pure joy
just by the look you give to me
the sensation of your warm hands on my skin
nothing could make me feel more secure
even since the first time I saw you
my soul was awakened
I was given a purpose
to fall in love with you.
you don't love me though
and you never will.
I am nothing to you
just a foolish female
who will give you anything you desire
that is my own fault,
not yours
I have let myself lust for you
too many times
and now I am stuck
craving your presence and voice
your affection and promises
I know I am a sucker for you
and I am not sure
if I will ever not be

that moment I first saw you
I knew I was in trouble
you were too handsome
far too smart and too sweet
I knew I was in denial
you said these words to me
that compelled me to fall for you
lies probably
but I listened anyway
knowing this could be fiction
but hoping it was the truth
ever since you left
I have realized that I miss you
ever since you left
I look for you everywhere I go
and ever since you left
you cannot escape my mind
I was told to stop looking
so I did
then you appeared
and I told myself
that I wasn't looking for you
but maybe I was
and maybe you fooled me
into thinking I was special
rare and wonderful
did you mean that at all
now I don't think so
I am stuck on you
already
and it scares me intensely
all my options seem wrong
I cannot leave you
but I cannot stay
when you held me that first night
I knew I would never let that feeling go
when you stared into my eyes
and asked me
"what are you thinking about?"
I knew I couldn't tell you
because I would look like a fool to say
"you"

my friends say it's pointless to cry over
that i'm better than that
"**** him"
i just hate this so much
these tears,
so called "pointless"
are present and
undoubtedly existing
i know i'm not too high to mistake
i rub my eyes
i ******* fingers
i know they're real
i'm still fighting it
because i'm "better than that"
but these tears,
they sting
they burn on my cheeks
have i fought it for so long?
but i saw you
with her
and you saw me
then you grabbed her hand
just to let me know
and trust me,
i know
my dad tells me not to regret anything
not to regret the money i spent,
the time i spent,
the love i spent on someone
so foolish
he tells me it's just a lesson
and i'll learn many more
i know i gotta be prepared
i feel like i should be
but i think i'm not
i regret ever telling you everything
i regret my words to you
i regret my hands and how they know you so well
i can still feel you
my hands won't let me forget
your smell is memorized
your laugh is memorized
you're still there, right?
god, i just hope you know
i hope you know she doesn't compare
i could elaborate but i think that says enough
we're all in denial, aren't we?
this is where i say "**** him", right?

worth is not in my vocabulary,
I am without it.
there is no worth around me,
no value or importance.
leaving myself to believe
that worth is just a construct.
I will not focus on it,
for I am utterly useless.
holding on to anything
that will get me through the day,
nothing that contains worth.
there is no point in the world,
yet I am still searching for it.

i'm the man drinking coffee alone at the diner who kindly asks you for the time. you reply but you don't even look at me in my eyes.
i'm the lone deer you hit while driving at 3am. you don't even stop the car. you even forgot about it the next day.
i'm the homeless cat you stopped feeding at night. i still meow at your doorstep. you just ignore it.

going crazy for you
was never planned.
with your smooth words
and exquisite body,
i fell into your trap.
never thought
i'd be thinking about someone
exactly like this.
do you have me
wrapped around your finger?
because it sure feels like it.
i've never been one
to admit my feelings to anyone
but you're just different.
with all these terms
and technicalities,
i'm confused.
what am i to you?
just a lover
or a partner?
i'm tired of these complications
when all i want to do
is hold your hand
and kiss you good morning.
all while knowing
that you're mine
and i'm yours.

when is it crossing the line?
when I am in front of it all
laid out on the table
seeking a potent euphoria
constantly wondering if I have done enough
but it is never fulfilling
on a search for a meaning in this mess
yet never finding one
there's always suspense
wondering if I am secure
the thrill is so intriguing
and too hard to give up

i hate to be graphic and upsetting, but i need to write this. please refrain from reading.

first thing on my mind is
harm
what i feel like i deserve is
pain
it is not even a coping mechanism to me anymore
it has become routine
i fixate on it
i need to do it
i have to or else
i cannot bear to be myself
in my cold skin
i can't even look in the mirror
i'm a ******* monster
the slow sensation on my arm
is relieving and reassuring
that i am still deserving of it

i remember when i was 13
and i grabbed my weapon
and ran to my room
shut the door
turned out the light
sat down on the floor
and wept
if only i had known
what i was getting myself into
fast forward 5 years
and i am still there
on the floor

the reaction from my mother when i confessed
shocked me and took me by surprise
how could you be mad at me
i thought to myself
but now i realize why
i was her masterpiece
never to inflict harm on myself
and there i was
ruining what was hers
my skin

it's always there
most times a burden
other times a sign of resilience
a reminder of my monster
my corrupt side
of low self-esteem and self-worth
that i seem to never gain back
i won't ever hide it
i won't ever get rid of it
because i can't

i am not proud
most people say i'm a pathetic fool
crying for attention
desperate for others to see
but no one ever notices
and it lets me know
that it will always be
my little secret
a habit that was once by choice
but now by force

i wonder if i will ever grow out of it
like they said i would
years ago
i have accepted the fact that
i love it
and will never let it go

completely addicted to you
and the way your lips fit mine perfectly and effortlessly
how your smile makes my heart melt and shatter
the softness of your skin
paired with your warm scent
i can't even fathom how someone
can be so intoxicating
but here you are
doing exactly so
and i think it's incredible
how i would choose you
over anyone else
the only words i could use
to tell you how i feel
would be "i love you"

who the hell are you?
how did you appear in my life,
and sweep me away with your inviting eyes
fed me pleasure and warmth
left me high and dry,
puzzled and craving more
of your attention and gaze
your laugh to be directed to me
maybe you could put your hands on my waist again
or around my neck
it feels brand new to me and i'm sorry,
that i almost back away each time
this is probably all my fault
i question if i'm the confusing one
or if he is
but i'd put money on him in a heartbeat

waiting
for the right time
always wrong
always late
justifying
what you said
what you did
with who you are
was never enough

you said you can read me like a book
but you won't tell me what my pages say, or how many there are,
what my chapters are titled, if they even are titled
i want to know
who my introduction mentions,
what my author's note says,
and who helped me with the theme
but honestly, please
at least tell me about the chapter where you appear
just let me know if it ends well

how I can be ****** back in
to the old ways of abuse
when I know nothing good will come
from you
from me
from both of us
yet I feel the sparkling fire that burns
and it only burns for you
I need you to blow it out
extinguish my flame
before it sets my whole body on fire
then there will be nothing left to do
but follow you
I need you more than I thought I did or didn't
when I tell you I love you
you tell me you like being with me
nothing will ever add up
but everything will subtract
I have thought I reached the end plenty
somehow you reel me back into your grasp
your warm embrace filled with connectivity
as if our hearts are hugging
not our bodies

what is it called when you need constant reassurance of your importance?
what is it called when you require frequent contact and kisses to feel wanted?
or when you feel like you don't matter at all to the person who matters to you.
what is it called?
cause i cannot find any appropriate words to describe how i feel.
how i am intensely pathetic and miserable both with and without you.
what even does that mean?
i'm nervous for the fallout
for the day you look into me and say
that you no longer love me.
i feel it coming
i sense it with my whole being
i can already feel you leaving me;
how my chest caves in
my knees grow weak
and my cries go unnoticed
but you still walk away
until then you just turn your head.

something about the late nights
driving alone with the windows down
listening to a soft melody
reminiscing all the old times
the good times
when life wasn't so complicated
it is pure beauty
feeling the most vulnerable
the most alone
it is such a joyous sensation
knowing that i can feel this way
whenever i need to get out
it's just as simple as starting a car
pressing play
and rolling the windows down

the feeling you get when you finally find a parking space but forget change for the meter.
the frustration.
the desperation.
the feeling you get when someone brings up a name you were trying so hard to forget.
the nostalgia.
the familiar lonely ache.
the feeling of being stuck in bed with the flu.
the hopelessness.
the craving of sweet relief.
the feeling of missing someone and wishing for them to surprise you at home.
the longing.
the worthlessness.
they will never show up.
at least not at the right time.

the feeling of change.
leaving and going.
departure and arrival.
the distinct difference between the two.
you are merely at the line of division.

the feeling of getting closure.
the final thoughts.
the misconstrued thoughts.
the war in your head.
the way the emotions don't add up.
they don't subtract either.
only multiply.

the feeling of being stuck in purgatory.
yet here you are.
somehow still tangible for people to touch.
to throw away.
to destruct.
the feeling of loving.
the feeling of losing.
the misconceptions of both.
the basic rules they break.
how everything is unjust,
all you see are excuses.
how someone can string you along,
only needing you for comfort.
how it can be unknown.

the feeling of not being able to let it go,
or even to let it be.
being lonesome around others.
how pathetic you feel.
the way people glare at you.
how they don't actually see you.
you feel ghostly,
and ended up being so.

decisions you are not allowed to make,
according to your own self.
how no matter how much you unleash with tears,
there's still more.

i hate myself
at times i wonder if i always will
other times i wonder what it's like
to love yourself
because i don't know what that's like
and i don't think i ever will

i wonder how it feels
to look in the mirror
and want to smile at yourself
because all i know
is wanting to stab my face
until you cannot see any features
until my eyes cannot see what it hates the most
me

i wonder what it's like
to feel confident and self-assured
because all i know
is feeling embarrassed and self-destroyed
drowning in despair
when you want to swim up to the surface
but you know you shouldn't
for you are not worthy

it ***** when you are the person
that you dread to see
but are forced to

i remember trying so hard
to make myself love me
but the lies never worked
and the drugs never eased me

i love how people think
they can change my mind
just by praising me
and telling me good things
it's ridiculous really
my brain will never believe them
or let their words sink into me

i have known for a while
that i will always feel like this
i've accepted it
until now

This is going to end so badly, I can just taste it when I kiss her.