Covers off and on
The heat of her December
Southern Discomfort

The view is still.

The mist appeals on the sea it seals

But down below I writhe

My howls they burn with vowels unheard.

You see a speck of flame

My inferno seeps, ten thousand leagues deep

There you wait for me

Upon the beach with a coaxing breeze

We may never meet

I never showed, the ocean froze.

Fell, he fell…
Swiftly and slowly.
Agonizingly slowly, painfully slowly.
Slowly in memory,
swiftly in time.
Swiftly. As in a meaningless opinion of a vastly overrated measurement of anything human.

We have not a word for a measurement that counts the value of a human experience.
How many decibels measured of a cry does not account to one an amount of sadness, joy, pain, anguish…
Percentages of love? Inappropriate.
If love is a journey, maybe miles?
And the direction… in.

He traveled so many, so carefully, so slowly, so deeply, and so meticulously, that one should not measure the time. An hour crawling in time, but crawling is slow and he fell very fast.  Impossibly fast.
Light speed through the viscous substantial experience without destroying it. Instead, caressing and memorizing…
Do not weigh or measure or count.
Only know it is so.

Did he fall, crawl or fly? Yes.

Je n'ai pas été créé par moi.
                                         Je suis votre erreur.
Nous reconnaissons vos péchés quand tu me regardes dans les yeux.
                                 Je suis ton mauvais tournant.

I used to think you were shy,
but now I know you’re just terrified
of every
*******
little
thing.

I used to think that you were strong,
And maybe a bit wise inside
But you’re
such
a ******
child.

You are not an enigma.
You are not a hero.
You are not a vision of hope.

You
Are
Just
A mirage.

And I…
I am here, avoiding my fault.

Your warm breath haunts my face.
Crazed with reminiscence, confronted with unending vacancy.
Claw at weary freckles.
My eyes create rivers over banks of soft warm memories.
Heart is restless, climbing up through the esophagus, making its way to you.
When I replay our time, at least one time, please don’t go.

If you were here now, what could I even say to you?
Would it be like when I pray to you?  
Will those expired limitations be renewed
or stay lost forever in your departure?
Would it make a difference when you went back to dust?
Would you suddenly know me now?
I don’t think I could.

I love the wind’s howling.
The breath of God surrounds me.
It’s angry and loud.

It says
Destroy yourselves!
and we do.

Well we do a bit,
but we’re so obsessed with living.
What the hell for?

******* parasites.

No.  You are not numb.
You feel pain from how apathetic you’ve become.
You just don’t care that you hurt because there’s nothing to be done.

planning suicide
taste-testing cyanide
gun powder blush
drunk driving lush
hit on myself
burried by a shelf
pretty lace noose
back-rolling caboose
trip to a cliff
rat poison spliff
davey’s locker dive
****** du killer bee hive
releasing the Kraken
monoxide hose in the back end
a sleep not to dream
an end to the mean.
a dip in formaldehyde
planning suicide.

Opposites don’t attract, they exist in complimentary union at a distance acting in synchronicity.  Mirror me, am I you? Are we we? are you Yin? When I hurt do you feel pleasure? When we zig, we zag but we’re both in motion, in action.  Am I creating or just waving my waves about in space. Perhaps there is no my, there is no face.  existence is an amorphous blob, individuality a wasted case.

All I want to do is stick my **** in a *****
deep and warm, juices gush around me
I want to make her moan and squeal
a slippery squeeze I wanna feel
push in my ***** and spill against her wall
she gasps and ****, we’re spent, I fall

but I don’t have a *****. ):

Leave me alone
To love me alone
No one can love me like me
And that’s not conceit, it’s a tragedy.
I’d live to be loved
If it did exist
If i could resist my unreasonable need
For unrestrained  two way intimacy.

But no one can bear
My devils and gods
I understand it’s too much to see
It’s too much to ask to want all of me.

Happiness within a pill.
That’s the only kind I can feel.
Fully inside me it fills,
And I feel like an electric eel

Tzzt. Ooh.  
The rhythm
of my nervous system
unearthed.

Is this happiness for real?
Is this pleasure an illusion?
Or temporarily revealed
under the layers of contusions

Left by life
on my heart?

I dragged the heavy barrel across my throat.  Cold metal scraped the anger from my flesh, leaving delicate raised hairs on my pale, freckled skin. Paused for a moment to consider but decided against it and brushed my cheek tenderly with the slide.  My eyelids fluttered slowly and a pleasure stirred between my fatty thighs.

The last time.  I sighed in serenity and surrendered myself to my ego for the last time.  I briefly let myself believe that what I was going to do, meant something.  Though, a little deeper inside I knew the truth.  I knew it wasn’t going to mean ****.  

The muzzle now rested on my lips.  My tongue slipped between them and played a muscle memory of lust.  I wanted it like I had wanted nothing before… because I had wanted nothing before.  This world offered nothing.  

Click.

The last thing I heard was a single breath, one slow inhalation.

Only the universe loves me.



The wind’s gonna blow my spirit up into the sky.

So, I can give the stars a hug.

Cosmic kisses on my face.  Ripping my skin apart.

The laws of physics are really going to break my heart.

If I could talk not
I would never, forever.

Silently thrilled
by the voiceless unwords within

If I could talk not, forever.

If I could talk not
I would never, forever.

Thinking the doing
creating the world end and begin

If I could talk not, forever.

I’ve got a heat,
I’ve got a fire,
I’ve got got an iciness
sharp as a spire.

I’m like a bad faucet
too cold or too hot
You can try for a lifetime
and not find the right spot

I drip when you try to sleep
I’m weak when you need me strong
Sometimes I will burn your skin
Sometimes I can’t keep hot very long

failing to control me,
turning the knobs.
Call up a plumber.
I’ve got a tough job.

I’m a rebel. I’m a rebel.
I’m a crier.I am sick.
I’m a fighter who wants to love you.
but I can't unless you’re quick.

Hold me down and listen.
Feed me my own tears.
**** **** **** ****.
**** away my fears.

Love me, please love me
though it’s true you’ll never know
but I’ll hate you if you love me
Because all you love’s a shallow hole.

My wrist hurts.  

I feel like there’s poison in it.
Like I need to bleed it out.  
But I don’t want my insides to show.  
I don’t want to be exposed to these strangers.

They won’t appreciate the depth of my wound.  They will only see the blood,  
They wont study the biology, the beauty, the physics.
They wont know me like I do.  Me and my alien blood.  
Foreign  body,
foreign spirit.  They wont hear it.
they can’t hear me crying out,
shouting,
screaming, “free me!
Perceive me! Hold me!”  
I just choke down a sob and die.  Too slowly.  
Promises undelivered.  
Restless ideals.
Restless desires.

Make myself into a *****
I’ve been there before
The lesson of this ’sin’ begins within
the philosophy.
Society, a judgmental *****, calls it a monstrosity
but it’s simple
it’s lean
You can make it obscene
But the honest truth is it’s not easy to be easy
to rise above the want of love
Love is for family,
love is for friends
romance is for those to be called a martyr in the end
“But I gave her everything,
but I was a saint.”
But no, you were a ******* taint.
You wanted to get and that’s why you gave
you wanted a beautiful, infatuating slave
**** popular bred trust
give me chemical lust.
Superficial holes need superficial fillers
*****, ******, tongues and fingers.
But the holes in my psyche are the holes for my demons.
They can’t be filled with gestures or *****.
Those are for me, for ******* my reality.
to fall in love… to be together.
Ridiculous expectations… the result of expired tradition.
You will fail to receive that which does not exist.
So just grab my **** and press your mouth to my lips.

Fancy, a flighty folly,
I’ve found fairly hard to find.
As soon as she stops searching
so suddenly it slips into sight.

Love’s lack leaves life lackluster,
but lust can lead life lessons
Wayward ones will waste them.
While worrywarts wail un-waning.

My existence becomes hard to stomach
Then I get sick from all the running
If I never loved it wouldn’t be anything at all
If I never cared I would never fall

I find society’s mess overwhelming
like a water well filled with mud
When will I draw out a clean bucket?
I’m so thirsty, but I guess just **** it.

writhing and bawling on the bathroom floor
This is the life
bleeding my feelings beneath the mask of a *****
Poison my dreams with a slow-working cancer
This is the life
Just to find death’s the only answer.

Disassociate me. I am not yours. I am not their’s. I am not them. I am in my bubble. I am out of that box. Flying high. Impenetrable. Out of reach. All of you are out of reach.

But **** this solid body.  My soul looks *****… because I’m in this bubble too long. Difficult for you to see through the atmosphere of pain and aggression.  Glass lost its gleam.

I long for intervention.  Only for a spell. Only one night of hell. Then I’ll go up, up, and away.

I wonder this, I wonder that…
Isn’t it all in all a wonder?
a marvel of the mind?
a marvel?
The world…
The world I wander,
not by foot but neurologics,
electronic pulse.
Tick tock.
I wander all night.
I wonder my life away.
Nomadic cognition,
Evasive mental technician,
she wonders away living.
She wanders away from life.
Escapist, flee the seen.
Searches for the unknown.
A scene of undefined frontier.

an unseen.

what we don’t know…
That’s the marvel.
But mostly the knowing are known.
However, I wonder.

Where there is nothing, I can see fire and warmth.
Where there is nothing, I can see peace and relief.
Where there is nothing, I can see fairness and equality.
Where there is nothing, I can see growth and Enlightenment.

But because where there is me, I can only see nothing… only nothing, anywhere else, will there ever be.

I’m not loud,

I’m not aloud,

I’m not allowed.

I’m the exception.

I’m the definition.

I’m the truth and the dark.

I don’t bite but watch out for my

bark

peeling off.

Cover your eyes so you can see

what’s oozing out of me,

the radiation gleam.

Obscene dream,

ladies in Vaseline.

Malignant wishes from a benign entity.

Change everything.

I carry water and arrows and my hooves smash the stars.

Peregrinus.

This is the legacy

pain and misery

carve my effigy

plight of synchronicity

they dwelled here before

but I’m breaking out

Here’s the line they drew

I will cut it soon.

Crimson

Planet

Orbit

closing in

floating in the

floating in the martian sky

little martians

little martians waving hi

They flag me into a hole in the ground

open the gate to the base of the town

Verse 1
Even though I’m surrounded now

Still feel like I’m alone somehow

And when I try to speak outloud

seems my words have been swallowed down

  

Verse 2

Swear to me that you understand

you try to lend me a helpin’ hand

reach into the sinking sand

if you’re too late then I’m swallowed down

  

Chorus

If you can pull me out

I just might lose my doubt

my state of mind may turn

The walls around my heart could burn

You’re pulling at my soul

just dig a little more

Keep widening the hole

save me from the rage below

  

Verse 3

The mirror showed me who to blame

for all the ******* and the pain

my desires have been slain

soon my faith will be swallowed down



Chorus

Run away to a foreign country, one with plush yellow green pastures. The grasses hiss soothingly as the breeze brushes them down this way and that. My home, a simple one room shelter built atop a broad and wise dark leafed tree who has welcomed me to its strong open arms. The skirt of my plain brown dress tickles the tops of my feet as I step down onto the soft soily earth.

There are no people here but I am not alone. The wind is here to lift the overflow of thoughts from my ever questioning mind and the water is here to soothe me and commiserate like an old companion purified from the complications of humanity. The dirt is my mother and my father, providing for me. Nurtures me with its succulent plants and cups its hands so that I might take a few small fish from them now and then.

A spotted sun perch hangs behind me as I perambulate meditatively. I see a few delicate vibrant blossoms on the side of my arborous home. They chime a brilliant tune that I will later compose onto a clay canvas. The afternoon is spent cleaning the small token and then toasting it over fire. I tend the patches of nearly wild vegetables and fruits. The most desirable ones plucked for my plate.

Guardian stars begin to dot the serenity of a dazzling dusk that demands my awe. I am aware of my tiny existence and its grand insignificance yet at the same moment I feel as though I was specially chosen by the cosmos to witness this perfect event. An intoxicating shiver grips me suddenly as a gust flits up my spine and through the back of my hair. Slowly it falls and the lulling chirps of a million violinists begin to play to one another. An admiring amphibian adrift the pond lilies relinquishes some commending croaks.

As the dark begins to settle in I climb to my aerial cottage to lie down. The rustling of my nest-bed reminds my neighbor owl of the time and she hoots appreciatively before flying off to begin her hunts. The splendid nocturnal symphony soon sends me to my dreams.

The human race tied to the past like leaves to the rain, lingers personally. Only the dead see everything. Is it a shame not to confine the pain? Memorial blame. Forgiving again. The cycle of dependency, inequity… Course correction is misdirection. My affliction is to battle with action and distraction. Is there an end or must we always re-mend the wounds of living?

I Have Loved
All the same and very different, I have loved.

Cocoa crescendo falling in curls. yellow hibiscus. Her face inspiring Gaia.  I grazed across far-reaching hips and dreamt them, as wide and beautiful her heart I broke.
I have loved ruthlessly.

Clammy, moist, latte flesh juxtaposed with misplaced contention, clutching his phone, clutching his fist in my belly, in my hand.
I have loved painfully.

Keen wit, quiet lips, silk and skin and video games. 20 minute car rides. A tongue across my spine, laughter, distance of his heart.
I have loved haphazardly.

Three hundred faces, unspoken sentiment, inactive resonance, a child, a man, a mother, a friend.
I love quietly.

All the same and very different, I have loved.

Will I again?