stop lights change color
no matter who is watching
or if nobody is watching
so don’t you think for a second
that i need you
to tell me when to i’ve changed

I don't want to live in a future where
I
Am alone with only
Myself
My thoughts
And my Fears
But that is the only future I see
Either that or one where time is cut
Short
The tick-tick-ticking clock is stopped for me
But that would be too painful
Yet still too easy
I just wish I could give this fight up
I want to cry out "Enough!" but
My voice is gone
There is no audience anyway
I am stuck between past mistakes and future anxieties
That will become past mistakes to fuel future anxieties
I can never live in the moment
Because to do so
I would have to actually live

i ask what i am doing wrong
you tell me you need space

i give you what you ask for
and you disappear forever

You listen as blood-stained lies tumble from my lips
Skin splits and rips apart as I keep a tally of every time I've broken my promise to you
My weary eyes watch my life from afar and all I can see is impending disaster
Too many times I've wanted to disappear from my own life
SO I do not understand why you haven't left me yet
I drift in and out of my own consciousness when thoughts of losing you consume me
Heart beats grow faster and breaths grow shallower
I falter often in this world
But you are the only mistake that I haven't made

i came to you because i trusted you
but all you told me was
by putting my pain on display
i was making this performance art
you stared at blood that had flown from my wrist
and smiled
any critic of taste would give this 5 stars

I could never live in a world without you
Many times I have been forced to imagine this
You tell me that you can no longer go on and my stomach fills with acid
I’ll carry the world for you
But at the same time I tell you this
I think about my own quiet exit
I know it would not be quiet though
And I know I am a hypocrite
But if you stay for me
I promise to stay for you

Here I find myself lost again
Reaching for something that I’ll never grasp
Watch you- and everyone- drift away
I can’t say I blame you
I wish I could drift away from myself too
I want to leave this body
Leave this mind
Leave this world
Nobody sees though
I locked myself too deep and these chains are my own doing
I am the reason for all my pain
You were always a false hope
I should have known from the beginning
It’s just a shame I have to wake up now
Dreaming was much more bearable

I was young the first time I heard
“a fate worse than death”
I thought what could be worse than being gone?
Now I am older and I see
It’s living an invisible life

i have 10 fingers
to pick flowers with
to pet dogs with
to grasp other fingers with

i have 10 toes
to curl into the sand with
to feel the soft grass with
to carry me home with

i have 2 eyes
to see the world with
to watch birds fly with
to sometimes cry with

i have 2 ears
to listen to music with
to hear my friends laugh with
to spy through doors with

i have 1 stomach
to laugh with
to fill desserts with
to one day grow life with

i have 1 heart
to spread air with
to exercise with
to love with

some people you can’t say no to
they beg to see the parts of you
the parts that you had hidden away
and you give in
show them you are not who they thought
and then they are gone
because
all the people you can’t say no to
know how say goodbye so much faster

My body is a temple
Destroyed
Crumbling
Broken
Worshiping inner demons and external pleasures
The pursuit of glory through the forbidden fruit
A blood sacrifice is demanded
By a god at the altar
But there is nothing holy about this
The only heaven I will ever find
Is in beaded red lines
I confess my sins to thee
But there are no answers to my prayers
There is no one to answer to
Higher powers have forgotten me
I have forsaken me
And there is no grace in pain
No forgiveness in punishment
And no God to blame for my sins
As I kneel adorned with my own crown of thorns
Constructed from my own deceptions and faults
I wonder why the only person willing to die for my sins
Is me

People tell me life moves on
But everything is in
s
  l
    o
       w
m
  o
    t
      i
        o
          n
Time barely moves
I'm stuck standing still

People tell me I'm overreacting
But everything feels
s
  o
h
  e
    a
      v
        y
I barely move
I'm stuck carrying it all

People tell me to choose my mood
But everying is so
o
  u
      t
o
  f
c
  o
    n
       t
         r
           o
             l
Everyone stays still
And I'm stuck
I'll never move on

I am many things
Tired
Numb
Sad
Lonely
But most importantly
I am me
And that's all I ever have to be

I am trying
To see the bright side
But that's hard
Because although I am happy now
I am terrified
That I never will be again

Today I went to a party
I was looking forward to seeing you there
But you weren’t there
I wish you knew how much I miss you
How much I want to be with you
How much I love you
But I don’t think I can put into words
What you mean to me
No matter how hard I try

It’s 1 in the morning
I stepped outside
I’m sure the air is nice
But I can’t breathe
Stars twinkle above
I can’t even find the beauty in that
All I see is my own unimportance
If I died right now
Nothing would change
I am meaningless
Because as I huddle outside
Alone and sobbing
I realize I have been here many times before
I don’t think I can ever get better
Life wasn’t supposed to end up this way
But look where I am

Good luck staying afloat
I understand it’s hard
But I believe that you are worth it
So here, take my hand
It's okay if you make me cry
It just means I'm worried about you
I’m glad I get to worry about you
I know that everything hurts
But it will all wind up fine
We can get through this together

Today was going to be a good day
I promised myself this when I woke up
I thought maybe fake optimism and forced smiles will be enough this time
And I tried to hold my head high
But things fall apart
I felt the walls closing in on me
I searched for a window but there were none Water must have filled my lungs
Because I couldn’t breathe
And another promise was broken
A promise I made myself so
At least it wasn’t anyone that matters
People say there’s always tomorrow
But that’s hard to believe because
I don’t even see past tonight
Today was so long it felt like an eternity
Maybe it was an eternity
But an eternity spent alone is not one I want
Maybe that’s why my demons are so hard to fight off
Sometimes they pretend to care
Even though they don’t care
People don’t care
I don’t care
Actually I do care
A lot
It hurts that people don’t notice me
But it’s my fault for becoming invisible
Today was going to be a good day
Look how that turned out

My body is crying
and
my soul feels like dying

I’m sorry for all I do to you
Cut
Scratch
Burn
I rip you apart the way I do in my mind
I am insecure about you
I hate you
All I see in the mirror
Is the ways you fail me
The ways I am flawed
They say your body is a temple
But you must be ruins
And I am the earthquake that made you this way

You
With tongue of fire
And heart of ice
Expect me to cherish you
With the passion of an ocean
But water can be so full of fury
A current bubbles up inside of me
No longer will I bow to your will
You
Who dare to discredit me
Striking at my insecurities
Knocking me down again and again
Still expecting me to get up and crawl back to you
I will not put up with
You
For much longer

I said I wanted to be left alone
Which makes me a liar
You knew that though
You know that loneliness follows me wherever I go
But you didn’t protest
Which I guess proves my point

I promised you I wouldn’t hurt myself again
Which makes me a liar
You must have known that though
I’m not to be trusted with anything sharp
But nothing cuts worse than the words from your mouth
Stinging me hours, days, and months later

I told you was doing okay
Which makes me a liar
But why wouldn’t I lie
When it’s easier for both of us this way
You get to live your fantasy where everything is fine
And I don’t have to be more of a burden
Because I even weigh myself down

I pretended I didn’t need you
Which makes a liar
But after all this time
How could I reach out to you
After I’ve lied all my life
Subtle manipulation to make you think I’m not broken
But I am broken
I think this is all on me
Yet sometimes I wonder how you can’t see the cracks in my facade

I am a liar, but you must be too

People’s eyes tell stories
I didn’t know that until I met you
One glance and I knew
You and I were exactly alike
Sometimes
People say they feel empty
And their eyes betray them
I think
They think their eyes are empty too
But they are full
Of pain
Longing
Sadness
I saw all three in you
I could spend hours just searching your eyes
I am only content when I am by your side
So please
Let me read your story

Here I am again
On the verge of tears
Quiet
I tell myself
That way nobody will hear
I pace the floor
My family is sleeping
But my mind is awake
Abuzz with insecurities  
I tear myself apart
Somehow I find myself
Reaching for a blade
I haven’t done that in 4 days
I know it sounds crazy
But it was the longest I’d gone since March
I reset the clock
So now I wait
To be so broken again
All I can think of is destroying myself more

I’m standing on a cliff
Peering over the edge
About to go over
If I fall
What will happen to me?
Can it somehow hurt more than this?
Uncertainty stops me every time
I fear I may regret
An action whose consequences I cannot see
I stay in a cycle
I can’t break out of it
I can’t stop it
I can’t leave it
I can't
I fantasize two conclusions to this story
One I end up happy
And one I just end everything
I don’t know my future yet
But whatever it holds
Will get better
Even if I must take matters into my own hands

I desperately need today to end
But I fear what tomorrow has in store
I wish more than anything
Everything would stop
Maybe then I could clear my mind
Figure my time-bomb life out
I’m running out of options
Out of space
Out of time
Suspended in terror for what my life may become
Already weighed down by the past
Trapped in this life that I never asked for
Wondering
What’s the use
If all I’ll ever amount to
Is petrified

Their voices were sweet
Calming
Steady
I went to them
In a trance like state
Willing to do whatever they asked
And when I became lonely
Through no one’s fault but my own
They were there to comfort me
When nobody else was
Singing me lullabies
Then they demanded payment
Sacrifice in blood
After all they did for me
I realized too late it was manipulation
By my very own mind
I’ve lived with them for so long
I feel guilt when I am not hopeless
I don’t deserve to be happy
Though I couldn’t tell you why
Though I couldn’t tell myself why
How can I trust anyone to tell me the truth about me
If I can’t even believe my own thoughts
My thoughts are suffocating
Bitter
Excruciating
Unstable
I must face my demons alone
After all
What choice do I have

I set myself on fire
But I couldn’t take the heat
Yet there’s no water around me
So here I am
Burning
I can’t call for help
For the fire’s convinced me that this is normal
And this is what I deserve
People used to burn witches
So I must be wicked
Because fire can burn other people
And how dare I hurt anyone
Besides myself

Once
You asked what you meant to me
I said you were color
You bring beauty into my dark world
Showing me that everything has a purpose
A point
And a meaning
Then I asked
What I meant to you
You said I was color, too

Everyone has secrets
Nobody can truly be an open book
But you turned through my pages
And started to read
Then handed me your story
Unfinished like mine
So let’s write them together
I trust you to be there till the ending
Promise we’ll make it there

The first time I wanted to **** myself was 6th grade
Wandering the school corridors
I thought to myself
“What’s even the point?”
I was scared of my mind ever since
Thoughts of suicide consume me now
Like vultures
I am their prey
But though I am meek
I am not helpless
I am fighting a battle
A war I am ready to die for
Even though I don’t know what I’m dying for
Except
Despite the fact that I do not know what lies ahead
I know it must be something
So I must keep fighting
Until I find my future

Don’t take up space
Don’t be too loud
Don’t let them know how scared you are
Don’t let them know how fake you are
You didn’t earn this
You don’t deserve this
Keep yourself away from them
Like the monster you are
You’re getting the hang of this
Staying hidden
Keeping your emotions hidden
You’ve learnt how to numb everything
So they don’t get a glimpse of the real you
The you that you keep locked away
Until you are finally alone
The you that claws at you like a beast
Because you are a beast
Why else would you live in this prison?

The stars are out tonight
I gaze at them from my yard
My hair spread out on the grass
My mind races
Focused on how far away these glittering lights are
An entire universe is out there
But it was not made for me
I am small
But can a light still burn inside me?
Especially if I feel so dark?
I like to think we are all stars
And astronomers at the same time
Searching for our place in the galaxy
Will you be a star with me?
With you I no longer feel dimmed
Can you let me illuminate your world?
I’ve been pulled in by your gravity
There’s no way to leave your orbit now
Even if I wanted to

Reflective glass can torment souls
Deception is a lonely road
I walk this path without free will
And watch my face as tears spill
3 am, the house is sleeping
Yet here I am; awake and weeping
I count the hours till I’m not alone
But my future is still unknown
I no longer want to be trapped
But an escape is unmapped

I am fragile
A piece of glass under pressure
But do not mistake my pain for beauty
There is nothing beautiful about this
Flowers are beautiful
Sunsets are beautiful
Crying yourself to sleep is not
Cutting just to feel alive is not beautiful
Not wanting to feel alive is not beautiful
Throwing up pills because you changed your mind is not beautiful either
I am withering away
Losing to the demons in my mind
In a world devoid of sunshine
Or flowers
And don’t you dare romanticize this
I don’t want this promoted
I want this defeated
And I will never recover when I am told
The only beautiful thing about me
Is the disease that is killing me

The first day of summer was two days ago
The air was hot and the pool water was cool
Yet as I heard my friends scream gleefully
I was locked in the bathroom
Crying and alone
I’m so uncomfortable in my own skin that I slice it open
My ***** secret
My guilty pleasure
And it was supposed to remain a secret
Each scar a tally mark for times loneliness chokes me
Each line drawn methodically
My forearms are a canvas for self destruction
I broke down again last night
Voices in my head screaming
Urges I cannot control
Until I see red dripping out of my skin
My pain manifests itself in these moments
I cannot take it for much longer

The ocean is the most powerful force on earth
It is calm yet furious
Fierce yet gentle
It can separate nations
But provides a path between them
But behind this power
The ocean is lonely
Isolated
Abandoned
It is rare for people to love an ocean
Because an ocean is dangerous
Capable of the worst kind of destruction
It lures you in
Waves call to you
The ocean seems authentic
But underneath its facade lies another truth
A current boiling
Stirring
Crying
Pushing people away as soon as they are pulled in
It knows of its power
It know of its danger
Yet still cannot grasp
Its beauty