I am not a mother
And for that reason,
It wouldn't be fair for me to speak to the frustration you must feel having a child who just couldn't ever get it all together.
I cannot remember the times as a baby where you consoled me without anger.
I cannot fathom that there was a moment in my life where you held me and rocked me to sleep without feeling like I somehow owed you something.
I cannot speak to how many nights you spent awake crying because I kept you awake and all you needed was just a few hours of sleep to keep going.
I cannot recall these things, but I think, I hope, that you were the kind of mother back then, who did it all.
I am not a mother
I do not know the kind of disappointment that having a 29 year old child living at home must bring.
I do not always get things right
I do not always pull my weight and I don't pay your bills and I see the way you clench your fists and sigh everytime I have anything to say back about your demands.
I am far from perfect
I have caused so much pain over the years and believe me I know,
I haven't made loving me very easy.
But I am not YOUR mother.
It is not my job to regulate your emotions.
I am not obligated to take your side in every argument even when I know you are wrong.
Because sometimes, you ARE wrong.
I am your daughter
I have tried my whole life to make you proud, to prove to you I am worthy of your love, even though I am no longer a "child".
Sometimes it works
You give me your love when it's easy.
When I do something you can brag about to your friends.
You love me when it's convenient,  for YOU.
Then again, a mother's love isn't supposed to be conditional
The silent treatment only makes me fold further into my own skin.
Your back handed comments about everything I don't do, and how I should be so grateful to have a roof over my head, only breeds more resentment and hurt inside of me.
I know I am lucky
I know that so many other families have it worse and that from the outside looking in, we are this perfect family.
The thing is, no one is perfect,  not even you
I never expected you to be a perfect mother, a perfect mother does not exist.
I expected you try.
I expected you to teach me how to love myself before anyone else because I am deserving of it.
I expected you to be there for me when things were falling apart, without judgement, or anger, or guilt.
You never loved yourself either
And my heart hurts to think about the stories of your childhood.
Your own mother could never give you the love you deserved.
But I NEEDED you to break the cycle
I needed you to ask for help.
I needed you to recognize that you have caused a lot of hurt for me too.
I needed you to want to change.
To this day, you've never gotten the treatment you so desperately needed
I'm not saying this to be mean
I'm saying this because none of us are immune to trauma and if it's not dealt with, the cycle continues.
Unfortunately,  I am now part of this cycle too
I cannot help but think that if you had only gotten the help you needed when I was younger, I wouldn't need to be the one in treatment for trauma.
I cannot help but wonder what our relationship could have been like today, had you faced your own demons and fought them, like the warrior I know you can be.
But I know,
I am not a mother.
I am under your control.
It is how you like it.
How you need it to be.
I am not a mother.
I am silenced.

It's almost been one year now...

Since I last saw your bright eyes and perfect smile, I still smile when I think of you.

It's almost been one year,

Since I felt your warm embrace around me, sometimes when I'm huddled in a cozy blanket, I can almost feel you again.

It's almost been one year,

Since you broke my heart,
I was so sure I'd have forgotten about you by now.

But its almost been one year,
And if I'm being honest, I still miss you like you left me yesterday.

-c.m.

Find someone who goes out of their way to make you smile, because seeing you happy, makes them happy too.

Someone who traces your scars as if they are a story, and they aren't afraid to stop reading it.

Someone who knows you're sad when you start posting quotes on your story again, and shows up at your door to give you a hug, because they know that's what you need.

Someone who listens to you like your words are their favourite song and they don't ever want stop listening.

Find someone,
Who treats your precious heart like their favourite treasure, because that's what it is.

Don't you ever settle, because I promise you, someone out there has been waiting to give you the world, don't settle until you find them.

-c.m.

It hurts because it matters.
      It matters because you care.
           You care because you still love them.
                   You love them but they left you.
            They left you because it hurt.
       It hurt because they cared.
    They cared because they still loved you.
They loved you but then they left you.

And it all hurts. And it all hurts, because it matters.

I always thought that I would be broken forever. I couldn't imagine a version of myself that wasn't sad, or lonely or constantly running... from something.

Today, I realized that I've made it.

It's a Friday night,
And I'm spending it alone.

But for once, I don't feel lonely.

I feel at peace.

I feel proud.

I made it out of that darkness.

And now,

I'm here,

Beautifully, unbroken.

-C.M.

My mom says,

"You look beautiful today"
She asks "have you lost any weight honey? Here's a salad before you go to work.
You dont want to get fat"

Mom says, life is always easier for skinny girls and that I haven't had it easy so maybe my weight is the problem.

I tell her I'm comfortable.
But as I walk away, I find myself gazing into my bedroom mirror pinching at the fat on my stomach
Wishing it was nothing but paper, because then I could cut it off and maybe then I would be happy and maybe then my mom would think I was good enough.
Mom says, "those leggings aren't flattering on you. And don't you know what people will say about you if you walk around dressed like that? Hide your body. Hide your curves, the world doesn't need to see your fat seeping through those nylon pants. "

I yell back " I don't care what you think! I LIKE THEM"
Mom says "yes you do, I know you do. Now go change and come eat your salad."

I force feed myself a salad for the 5th time this week and change into a baggy sweatshirt and some sweatpants.

I want to believe that I don't care what she thinks but her words feel like bee stings prickling my entire body and no matter how many times they attack, I don't grow numb to them.

I weighed myself today, I lost 5 pounds this week but im starting to feel sick from hunger, I'm light headed.

I head downstairs, the thought of inhaling every carb we have in the kitchen because it's been 2 weeks since ive had one and the cravings are too strong.

Just as I'm about to make some pasta mom comes into the kitchen.

"You look amazing," she says.
"You're so beautiful hunny I'm so proud of you. Wait... is that pasta? What are you doing? If you eat that you'll get fat again. If you're fat you won't be happy. You can't be happy. Put that down. Here's a pill for you hunny"

Take it when you're hungry, it'll take away the cravings and surpress your appetite.

I take the stupid pills that mom seems to think work like magic and I go back up to my room, staring at this body of mine that doesn't feel like mine anymore.

I hate myself.
I hate that I want to eat carbs and I hate that I dream of sugar every night.
I hate that my mom thinks I need a pill to fix who I am, as if I am unlovable when i am not losing weight.
Even as her daughter.

Growing up, we're always taught that our mothers are our protectors...
But I realize now my mother is the reason I never feel like I'm good enough.
I never feel like I'm loveable.

Mother's are suppose to make their daughters feel beautiful and empowered.

I spent my entire childhood on a diet.
To this day, I still hear her voice in my head.
Have a salad honey.
It will be easier if you're skinny.
Change into something else.

I wonder, if this will follow me forever.
If I will always be haunted, by my mother's shame.

I promise though,
If I ever have a daughter,
I will empower her to love herself no matter what.
I will teach her that love isn't based on your waist size and neither is acceptance you can find love at 400 pounds the same way you can at 130 pounds.
I will teach her she is beautiful.
I will make sure that when she grows up, she's not afraid to touch pasta, or have a sweet.
I will teach her, no matter what, SHE IS LOVEABLE. And so are you.. And so am I... I think...

Even when things are seemingly good,

I find myself gravitating towards sad songs,

yearning to discover a sense of connection...

I still find myself relating to sad quotes

and I still feel the tears burning behind my eyes.

I just wonder sometimes

if that deeply ingrained sadness, ever really goes away.

Do you ever truly get better

after experiencing so much trauma?

Or does it follow you everywhere you go,

lingering in the background waiting for it's moment

to take over again...

Making a mistake doesnt make you a bad person

Having your own opinion doesnt make you mean

Being sad and breaking down doesnt make you weak

Moving on and starting over doesnt mean that you're scared

Taking time for yourself and putting yourself first doesnt mean you're selfish

Feeling lonely doesn't mean you're all alone.

Standing up for yourself and what you believe in doesnt mean you think you're always right

You get to be whoever you want to be, this is your life. You make your choices. You accept yourself.

The people who love you will stand with you and the ones who don't won't be around for long anyways.

You are perfect just the way you are ❤

Darling I know you are looking at yourself in the mirror right now
Questioning what you've done wrong

I know your mind was racing all night going over every conversation in your head

I know you're wondering how and why it all went wrong.

And I know you're sitting there with tears streaming down your face, and you're blaming yourself once again

I know you're feeling like no one will ever understand you completely, I know you're terrified that you will always be misunderstood

And I know you're so tired of trying to explain and convince yourself, that you are enough, and that you are a good person

I also know you don't believe it.

Here's what I need you to remember...

Not everybody in this world is going to love you

Not everyone is going to understand you and not everyone is going to want to

Not everyone will think you're good enough and not everyone is going to try and see the best in you

BUT, that is not what matters.

HERE'S what matters,

That no matter how small you are made to feel sometimes

No matter how many times you are made to feel like a bad person

No matter how many mistakes you make

The only thing that matters

Is that you stay true to yourself.

You get back up.

You start over again.

And you forgive yourself.

And you love yourself.

Love yourself even more when you feel like you deserve it the least.

Understand that you know yourself better than anyone else and the only thing that really matters is that you start to believe that and see that in yourself.

No matter what the rest of the world may try to make you believe, you keep fighting and you keep loving and tou keep believing in you.

-c.m.

This whole night, it was almost as if alarm bells were ringing in my head non-stop

Trigger after trigger after trigger

I tried everything I could to keep myself composed.

Deep ocean breathing. Box breathing. Subject changes.

Nothing worked.

I was at war with myself the whole time.

A battle between my mind and its triggers, and the voice inside my head yelling at me for being so selfish, and making this night about me and my triggers

I felt like I was clawing at my brain trying to escape the thoughts.

Praying I could just be like everyone else for one night.

Nothing stopped it.

Trigger, they just talked about an event and didn't invite me.

Trigger I'm not good enough

Trigger nobody is talking to me

Trigger why am I like this

Trigger get me out of my head

Trigger they noticed I'm quiet

Trigger the tears roll down my cheek

Trigger nobody would have noticed if I wasnt here tonight

Trigger I dont wanna be here tonight

Trigger I dont wanna be here at all.

Trigger

Trigger

Trigger

I tried to shut the alarms off but they rang all night and I'm exhausted.

Trigger.

C.m.

Were fighting as I yell, "I'm angry why don't you just go away"
Inside I'm screaming "no don't actually, please stay"

My body has gone into self defense mode,
And with that, it becomes so hard to decode

I'm tired and I'm hurt but it's not all your fault
Theres so many secrets locked in my vault

You said you would be there, even when it got ugly
But I guess the fighting, for you was too much juggling

My emotions run at an all time high
I warned you this from the start,
You were still willing to try.

I explained that this is what I would do
But you wouldnt listen, it was all so true

Now I'm left with an empty space
You left my life without a trace

A part of me, you took with you,
that day you drove away, gone forever
I felt like I lost my mind that night,
But I understand now we're better of not being together

You never understood my heart, the way the man I deserve, really should
I'm not sorry for the person I am,
I'm just sorry you never understood

C.m.

Its only been a week since I last heard your voice

But I'm already starting to forget the sound of it as you whispered my name

Some nights when my mind is flooded with questions and memories and longing for you, I block my number

I call you.

I'm not sure why, because if you picked up the phone I don't think I would have any words to say.

But I know you never pick up blocked numbers.

So I know I'll here your voice on your voicemail.

I know I'll feel the tingling in the back of my throat

As I hang up the phone again.

The tears will trickle down my cheeks.

They'll burn holes into my pillow while I bury my face

Trying to escape this worthless feeling.

The voices in my head will come out to play.

Reminding me I am unwanted, I don't deserve to be loved, of course he didn't love you, no one ever will.

When the madness slows down for a second, I am able to find sleep.

And I still don't understand why I keep picking up that phone to call you in the first place.

But here I am. Dialing your number once again.

-c.m.

Last night my best friend's boyfriend broke up with her. As I was holding her in my arms while she sobbed, she asked me "Can you die from a broken heart?"


I told her no, you can't. But it might make you wish that you did. The thing about a broken heart is that you feel like you're life is ending. But it doesn't **** you . It just kills a part of you. And I think someday, weeks, months, even years from now, youre going to realize that losing that part of you, was actually a good thing.

But at some point you have to stop expecting people to be as kind to you as you are to them

While your heart is beautiful and lovely, so many have been turned so cold into stone

At some point you have to stop apologizing, when you know you ve done nothing wrong. You have to stop begging the people you love to stay in your life.

At some point you have to walk away

You have to believe that you deserve more and the right person will never let you believe anything else.

You have to stop trying so hard to make everyone happy

And start focusing on your own mental health.

The people who are meant to be a part of your life will always find a way to stay there.

So at some point you have to move on.

C.m.

It's not that I don't want to live. It's just that I don't want to keep living like this.

I think about you
And most of the time all I can do is smile
Please stay right here
Even if it's just for a little while

Please don't let my exaggerations
Push you too far away
I'm trying to keep you right here
But I'm not yet brave enough to say

You're smile is contagious you know
And your arms now feel like home
Your lips feel like pillows so soft and warm
Your body is one I wish I'd always known

I'm not so sure what normal is
When it comes down to relationships and you
Please forgive me when I've gone too far
Someone whose healthy for me, I'm not quite use to

Bare with me as I navigate
This new adventure with my heart
Trust me when I say I want this to work
Take my hand, let's give this a fresh start

Ever wish you could erase
that one thing?

Keeping you from your happiness.

That one thing, that took your light away.

Maybe it was a moment,

Or some words spoken,

Maybe its a name of the person who broke your heart,

Or a day it all went wrong,

a week wasted crying over someone who never shed a tear over you,

a year of regret, and heart ache, a year of mistakes.

Ever wish you could erase yourself?

I'm wishing it right now,
staring at myself
looking back at me
in the mirror.

I'm sorry to all the people I hurt while I was hurting

I'm sorry for last minute cancelled plans

And ghosting your text messages

You've done nothing wrong I just can't get myself together enough to answer you right now.

I'm sorry for all of my triggers.

And that sometimes my triggers, triggered you too.

I know I have a lot of them, I know it is frustrating

Believe it or not I've actually come a long way with them though...

I'm sorry for the days i was too irritable and short with you

I understand it wasnt fair.

I'm sorry that the things that upset me, most of the time wouldn't upset other people.

I'm a very emotional person, this is a blessing sometimes but also a curse.

I'm sorry I see things black or white.

I've been hurt so many times, I've built a wall for people in the grey areas.

You're either all the way in, or out of my life completely.

I'm sorry this comes off as dramatic, and unrealistic.

But if you know me well enough, you'd understand why I see it this way.

Regardless of all of this, I'm sorry that I pushed you away because of it.

Because of my, me-ness.

So far away.

When really I needed you right here.

But this is what I do when I'm hurting.

I hurt you because I'm hurting.

None of that is fair.

I'm sorry if you were one of those people.

So if you're gonna leave, leave now
I cant handle one more messy goodbye

I cant watch another person I love walk away
Because my brain was too much for them to handle.

If you're gonna go, go now.
I can't let you in any further.

I can't trust you enough to stay when things get hard.
Because I will fall apart sometimes.

If you're gonna run, run fast
I'll try to chase you though

I know you are someone who's good for me.
Because you didnt judge me when I told you who I really am.

But if you really still wanna stay, please stay right here
and please don't leave.
I want you and I need you.

You're something new and something good, for me, for my soul.
That's why you terrify me.

But I think thats a good thing..

These past couple of years I've learned a lot

I've learned that sunshine really does make you feel happier,

And seasonal depression is a real thing.

I've learned that singing in the car as loud as you can to your favourite song does count as self care.

And so does sleeping.

I've learned that eating healthy and working out doesnt cure depression

It can help you feel a bit better about yourself though.

I've learned that silence in a conversation speaks louder than a thousand words spoken

And you cant force people to stay in your life who dont wanna be there.

I've learned that laughter is so healing

And finding someone who can make you laugh while you're in tears is so important.

I've learned that everyone has a story and a past.

And everyone has been through something that has changed them for better or for worse, but we're in no position to judge each other for it.

I've learned that in life you need to accept not everyday will be good but there will always be something good in your day.

And some days you'll feel on top of the world while other days you'll feel crushed underneath it.

I've learned it's okay to be sad, to cry and to break down.

And that as hard as it is to believe this yourself, you still deserve to be happy no matter what your demons are or what your mind tells you.

I've learned that people always leave but the good ones stick around, and sometimes people come back around.

And that the only person who can make your life better is you, so it's time you, we, I all push ourselves a little more each day.

Most importantly though, I've learned that life is worth living, yours is too I promise this.

And I'm proud of myself and I'm proud of you, for still being here.

❤❤

I had to learn
How to plant my own garden
And water my own flowers

I had to to pull
Myself off the bathroom floor
While I was shaking and crying

I had to calm
My mind at night
When my thoughts told me I should die

I had to keep living
Even on days I didn't want to
I had to keep going.

I lived so much of my life
Believing I needed someone else to fix me
I never realized that I was the one
Healing myself
The entire time.

That's the thing
I let you in
I get hurt

I get hurt
I push you away
You get hurt

I want you back
You're too far gone
I'm alone again

Theres no winning with BPD
The ending is always the same
I end up all alone

I can't understand why
I cant let him in
Hes been nothing but kind
But I'm stuck in my own skin

How could he see me
As beautiful and brave?
I've lived in this body long enough
And believe me it always caves.

He can't look at me without smiling
And its contagious, I do the same
I want to know so much more about him
What he hides from the world, what makes him afraid.

I want to let my walls down for him
But I'm so afraid to let him in
I'm actually a lot to handle most days
When he sees the real me theres no way I'll win

I keep telling him I am messy
I'm not sure he understands what that really means
How can I explain how most days I hate myself
And there are days I feel like I'm torn apart inside of me.

How do I let someone new in
With all the baggage I come along with
I'm not sure where to even begin
I should probably just quit.

If theres one thing I'm good at
Its self destruction at best
I know hes gonna see that soon.
I guess for now I'll give it a rest.

The rain wasnt just a metaphor for the tears streaming down my cheeks today, it was reality.

Although, It was literally down pouring rain all day long.

While thunder and lightning were crashing and flashing in the sky,

Thunder and lightning were building up of me on the inside.

I don't wanna talk about it no, I'm fine I'm all right.

Then I close my door and just let myself cry.

They don't know what it feels like.

To be all alone and have no one to confide.

I can't seem to shake off the things that are said anymore.

But if it doesn't change soon I won't want to get out of bed anymore.

Baby, toddler, child, teen, adult

It doesnt matter, any of us can be victims of this type of assault.

Bullying doesnt just happen when you are young.

You just hope by the time you've grown up, that course has been run.

One more time and I will really lose it.

I was given a mouth to speak, I think it's about time I use it.

It's the fear of not being good enough for anyone. That's what stops me from trying at all. I have managed to push everyone else away because I'm scared they  will eventually end up seeing me the way I see myself.

I can't tell you how many nights I wished my world would end.

I can't count how many times I thought about taking my own life with not even a letter to send.

I can't tell you that there's still a vacancy in my heart and an emptiness in my soul, where they took pieces of me I couldn't replace.

I can't tell you life was easy and the world is kind, because people can be cruel and it's not always such a great place.

I can't tell you that there were many years that I lost myself.

I can't tell you that when things got bad, I never asked for help.

I can't tell you even today, that I am fully healed.

I can't tell you that I'm not okay, my lips are sealed.

I can tell you that no matter how much I wished, my wishes never came true.

I can tell you that each time I tried to take my life, my body always fought through.

I can tell you that the vacancy is filled sometimes, and the empitness lingers in the quiet of my soul on the good days.

I can tell you that when people are kind, I always hope they'll stay.

I can tell you that after losing my mind, I somehow found my back.

I can tell you that although I'm not fully healed, I've made it through with just a few cracks.

I can tell you that I fake it as best I can without ever letting go.

I can tell you I am holding on, but it's getting harder and I know it shows.

So yes,

She’s known sadness.

Maybe you couldn’t tell just from looking at her.But shes been hurt far too many times before.

That’s why she is so kind. She knows how it feels to be shattered. So she promised herself that she would never let anyone else she knew, feel like they weren’t good enough. Or feel like they didn’t matter. Even when she herself believed she didn’t matter.

It’s kind of ironic though isnt it? How the people who have been hurt the most, the ones we expect to be weak….are actually the people most capable of loving, healing, and nurturing everyone else.

Theres something about the energy people like her give off. It’s like everyone around her could feel her goodness and knew that she was approachable. People came to her for advice, called her just to cry, listened to her wisdom…

And even when she couldn’t figure out for the life of her how to help or save herself, she sure as hell could help others in that same darkness.

And she did.

So yes,
She's known sadness

Maybe you couldn't tell just from looking at her
But shes been hurt
Far too many times before.

That's why she is so kind.

She knows how it feels to be shattered
And she made a promise to herself

A promise that she would never let anyone else she cared about
Feel like they aren't good enough
Or that they don't matter.

It's kind of ironic
How the people who have been hurt the most
The people we expect to be weak
Are actually the people most capable
Of loving, healing, and nurturing
Everyone else.

To be honest with you...

I'm terrified

That when you said no one would ever love me again,

You were right...

Stay away from the boys
Dont give them your heart
Until they are old enough
And mature enough to handle it.

And dont chase them either,
Ever.
Let them chase you.

Don't let any boy,
Actually dont let anyone in general
Including yourself
Make you feel like you don't matter.
Or that you're not good enough.

You are everything to so many people.
And this world wouldn't be the same without you here.

Find something you're good at and keep doing it.

Write.

Write when you're happy.

Write when you're sad.

Write down your dream last night.

Write about love.

Write about heartbreak.

It's not always easy to talk about what you're going through and how you're feeling, so you end up fighting your battles alone.

But writing it down even just for you to hear it will help you.

Getting the thoughts out of your mind and onto paper will give you space to breathe again.

Take a deep breath. Just breathe. Nothing bad lasts forever. Good and bad trade places in life constantly and this will never change.

Keep breathing anyways.

Be kind to everyone even when it's hard to.
Even when It hurts to.

Remember that everyone you meet has a story.
Remember how you wished that the **** who made fun of you knew what you were going through.
So maybe he would stop.

Remember that when you think it's a good idea to do it back to him or anyone else.

Listen to your mom.
She's always right.
I learned this the hard way.

Theres no such thing as having too many friends.
But don't give pieces of yourself to people who don't understand how to complete you the same way you do them.

People are going to change.
And people are going to leave.

There will be days you wish you could change yourself.
And days scissors don't remind you of paper,
But your own skin.

Don't test it.
Please.

There will be nights you think you won't survive.

And days you wish would never end.

You're going to hurt.

You're going to cry.

You're going to laugh.

You're going to grow.


Nothing and no one will ever be perfect.

But there is still so much good out there to see.
And feel.
And know.

If there's one thing I can teach you let it be this....

I'm not so worried about the mark on your math test.
Or that you skipped class yesterday.
I care that you are happy.
That your mind is healthy.

I care about you being right here.
Right now.

No matter what you're going through
And how impossible it may feel for things to get better.
I promise they always do. ALWAYS.

I know this because I've been where you are and I'm still here to tell you this.

If you wake up in the morning and you are still breathing,
You are doing something right.
Keep doing it.

I'm proud of you.

You are going to make it.
You are going to to be okay.
You will find your happiness.
And your crowd.
And your success.

Just make sure you keep on waking up, and getting yourself out of that bed.❤

This world needs you.
-c.m.

I made it in today

Kind of...

Maybe I should say I made it out of bed today

And I'm here...



I can't really recall how I got here

All I can tell you is my bad day playlist was on repeat

The whole car ride here


I stopped a few times.

Once for coffee.

A couple for red lights.

And then in the parking lot.

To take some deep breaths.


I thought I was ready today.

I did all I could to make sure I was prepared.

But as soon as I pulled in all I wanted to do was turn around.


Most days, I love my job

Most days

I make it there on time, and there is no struggle


But today was different.

I couldn't give it my all today.

I knew that the second I walked through those doors

They would need me


And the truth is today,

I really needed someone to be there for me.


So I didn't make it.

I had to give up today.

And maybe that's okay.


Because maybe, for me to help them

Sometimes I need to to help myself first


Maybe today, it was okay to put myself first.

Maybe...

I should do that more often.

I can feel your absence today
I feel it in my hands you use to hold so tight
I feel it in my body, when you pulled me in at night.

I catch myself day dreaming
A life without your presence somewhere near
The scariest thing is I can't imagine my life, without you here.

I find myself still worrying.
Worrying that you'll find someone new.
Worrying you will forget about me too.

I search for you in my morning coffee.
But it doesn't taste the same since you've gone away.
Everything has become so bitter, sometimes I wish I had stayed.

I notice when I walk away it is only the good things I remember.
Those memories were far and few between.
Funny how once you lose someone, it's only good you see.

I try to force myself to remember
The nights you left me alone in my room crying on my bedroom floor.
The night you broke my car window, I thought we were over for sure.

So many times I took you back
Thinking I couldn't be me if I didn't have you
I've begun to realize missing you is part of the process
But I am actually so much better off, without you.

Have you ever wondered what it takes to leave your mark on this world

Wondered how many times you cross someone elses mind in a day.

How many people have walked away after meeting you, with a smile.

Do you sometimes wonder how often people think of you and what it is they remember?

Was it that time you hurt them so bad they can't erase it,

Or a moment of heartache that you helped pull them out of?

Do you wonder if you were in someones dream last night?

Was it a good one? Did you haunt them?

Or if something you said to someone mattered,
enough for them to keep going, to hold on for one more day.

I lay awake in bed and I wonder

I wonder if my life has mattered enough

To be remembered

To make a difference

To leave my mark.

I'll always wonder...

And I wish that we shared these things with each other.

I believe that some people come into our lives strictly to teach us a lesson.

The biggest lesson I ever learned was from every single person who broke me and walked away.

I learned how to pick up all of my broken pieces
And somehow put them back together again,
On my own.

They may never fit back quite the same.

But you all taught me,

I don't need anyone else to fix me.

I am strong enough to fix myself.

And to survive even when I feel like I'm dying.

Everytime you tore me down

I came back with a fire burning even brighter inside of me.

I dare you to try and break this puzzle again.

Those pieces are unbreakable thanks to you.

I swear to God it was supposed to be you
That's why this hurts so much
I feel like my whole world was flipped inside out

I only ever planned for it to be me and you in the end.
I planned to take your last name.
And share your child
And your kisses
And your love
Forever

I didnt plan for this and my God it hurts so **** bad
I didn't know I was capable of feeling this broken

You ruined it
You ruined us

With your lies
With your anger
With your aggression

Now what am I suppose to do?

You were supposed to be my future.

In losing you I've lost myself too.

How do I find my way back to me again?

I'm not sure I ever really knew who i was in the first place.

Is this where i finally figure out who I am?

Did all of this happen

So i could understand what love ISN'T

so the next time it comes along

I know exactly what not to go for

So that I know that I can still be worthy of living

Even without a man's love

Were you just brought into my life

To teach me a lesson

Because my God I've learned

Oh how I've learned.

Maybe I needed to meet you to figure out who I really am, what I really want and most importantly, what I truly deserve.

Just incase no one told you today:

•you are loved
•your thoughts matter
•you matter
•you are brave
•you are smart
•you are beautiful
•you are capable
•you can do this
•it does get better
•it's okay to cry
•you'll make it out of this
•the sun will shine again

And most importantly

•you matter, you matter and this world needs you and don't ever let anyone or anything make you believe otherwise.

I hope that you read this in time

Before your head gets the best of you

And you give in to the voices telling you that you aren't good enough


I hope you see this and remember

That darkness, while all consuming, can't last forever

And that hopelessness eventually turns into hope if you hold on long enough


I hope you know this every time you look in the mirror

That you were born a fighter and God wouldn't throw you anything you can't handle.

And you need to tell yourself this,

Every day,

Even on days you don't want to believe it.


I hope you see that there is so much more to live for

That puppies and babies will make you smile no matter how bad

you feel, so go visit one, or watch some videos, this will help you.

And one bad day, bad week, bad month, bad year is NOT worth

taking your life.


I NEED you to know that things get better

That this is coming from a person who has been where YOU are.

And that I tried giving up when I felt the way you do, and I failed


I NEED you to know how happy I am, that I failed

That my life turned around, and I learned how to fall in love with life again

And no, it wasn't easy

But I NEED YOU TO KNOW

To keep living,

To keep fighting,

To keep surviving,

It is SO worth it


And I need you to read this the next time you feel like it isn't

And then I need you to read it again.

Call a friend, or message me.

Just please keep living,

You are worthy of the love, and happiness, and laughter that life is going to bring you.

You are worthy of living.

P.s.
I hope you're happy.

Today,
            or tomorrow,
                                    most days
or even just some.

I hope you feel happy always
but I know life can be cruel.

So on days that you don't,  

I hope you feel loved.

I hope you know you're loved.

I hope you remember the things
That make you happy.

And remind yourself how much you are loved on days you are not.

But if you can't be happy,

And if you can't remember when you were.

Please know I'm right there with you.

You'll never be alone.

And don't you ever forget

Even whe  you don't feel happy

Know you are loved.

You are loved.

You are loved. <3

Why do I break everything I touch?
It's almost as if my fingers are razor blades  

But that's not even the worst part.
The worst part is the words that come out of my mouth
After my heart feels like it's been torn into shreds by your blades.

And baby even that, that's not even the worst part.
The worst part is I cant even tell
If my thoughts are real
If my feelings are rational

Baby please help me because sometimes I get lost in my own mind

Theres demons that live up there and they take over sometimes.

It's hard for me to know,
To tell the difference

Between a feeling that deserves to be felt
And a feeling that shouldn't really be there.

I've spent the better part of my life being told that what I feel isnt real.

I've spent the last 4 years questioning myself,
And quite frankly my whole life.

Desperately trying to figure out
Whether I deserve to feel this way

Or somehow I've asked for this.

Did I create this darkness myself?

Does my mind somehow convince me that everything and everyone
In this world
Is only going to hurt me?

Is it my fault if it does?

I wish I had the wisdom
And the rational

Between reality
And insanity

Baby please believe me when I tell you

"I didnt ask to be this way ! I want a way out I want an escape. I don't want to feel this way tonight, tomorrow, or ever again!"

I've tried to explain
Theres no quick fix to this.

Theres trauma.
There's questions unanswered.
Memories blocked out to help
Avoid the pain.

But a person can only handle this constant
"I hate you."
"I love you."
"Don't leave me."

For so long
Before they crack too.

Have I weighed you down too
With this awful demon.
While trying to fight off my own?

On Christmas Eve I was talking to my brother

It was 2:30 in the morning

We had both been drinking.

I read him one of my poems.

That one about surviving myself.

It sparked a conversation.

The tough kind.

About suicide.

I told him I truly believed most people

Dont WANT to die

They just want the pain to stop

I told him it was a cry for help.

He told me my first attempt was not.

He said with tears rolling down his cheeks

"You were done that night."

With tears now streaming down my cheeks I replied

"I can't talk about this. Not tonight."

"I know." He cried

"Did you ever get help after that night? After seeing me like that? Did you talk to someone?"

"I couldnt talk about it. It was too hard."

At this point we're both bawling.

I wrapped my arms around him.

I apologized.

See that's the thing about attempting suicide and surviving.

If you're lucky enough

To survive

You have to witness the pain everyone around you feels.

Because of you.

I never use to think it was selfish.

Not until Christmas Eve.

I broke my brother.

6 years ago.

And he's still haunted.

3:27 a.m

We've barely even touched this new year.

We certainly didn't touch it together.

You always knew I was the thunder and lightning,

Not the calming before the storm.

You knew this,

and you said you loved me anyways.

But tonight a new year began,

and I couldn't find you anywhere.

Because my storm came crashing down today,

at a time when your sun was rising.

And this was too much for you.

It poured rain all night, literally.

But the real storm hit when I got home.

Crawled into bed and for the first time in years

Your arms weren't around me.

And this

This is the LAST time you break me

The last year I spend praying you and I will be enough

The last time I run back to you thinking you're the only one who can love me the way I deserve.

I deserved you here, tonight.

You were gone.

They say with love comes compromise and understanding.

But to you I was the enemy.

Nothing to understand , its just who I am.

You knew me better than anyone.

The only person on this planet who can break me down in seconds.

You know all of my triggers and yet you use them against me

instead of trying to build me up.

I'm tired of being shamed for who I am

when you know every part of me and claim you still love me.

Then come back with, "but why do you do this.?"

As if you have no idea.

But this is the last time.

I'll love myself this year.

In all the ways you couldn't.

I'll love myself for me this time.

-i have you to thank for that

There wasn't any pivotal moment

No explicit epiphany one morning that changed things for me

It took me years

Years of dark lonely nights,

Saying to myself " I'll wait one more day, maybe tomorrow it will get better."

Just to see if things would change

I did this over and over again

For years

Usually i won the battle against myself

But a few times I failed

And I tried to let go

3 times I survived.

3 times in 3 years

The last time I had those horrific thoughts

I thought to myself

I survived myself 3 times

I shouldn't even be here today

But here I am

Still alive

Still breathing

And instead of convincing myself I wasn't worth it

The way I had so many times before

I screamed to myself

"I HAVE TO BE WORTH IT. I HAVE TO BE HERE RIGHT NOW FOR A REASON!"

I put the bottle down that night

I cried myself to sleep

In the morning I thanked God I was still here

I started focusing on the little moments

Like my best friend telling me how much she loves me

My mom thanking me for listening to her worries.

My brother calling to ask for advice about what to get mom for Christmas.

One of my students asking me if I was going to be around until they graduate

Because they dont want me to leave them.

The conversation I had with the server every morning at the coffee shop.

And it was when I started noticing and appreciating those little, positive moments in my life

That things began to turn around

It was all those little bits of human connection, interaction

That is how I survived.

As humans, we live and breathe for human connection

We need to feel valued and we need to feel understood

To any of you still stuck in that darkness,

Connection is the answer.

And to any of you who may know someone in that place

Send them a message.

Tell them you love them.

Smile at a stranger.

Walk to quiet girl from your drama class to her next class.

Compliment the bully on their new shoes.

Help the old lady across the street carry her groceries inside.

We all have a story.

Throw kindness out there even to the people who don't deserve it.

They need it the most.

We need to connect with each other.

Love is all around us.

Connections are everywhere.

Let's survive this world together.

Let's save some lives.