I read a quote somewhere that said,
"I don't know how many times I have survived myself, without telling anyone else."

And I felt those words shoot through every nerve in my body. I felt them so deeply.

And I wonder how many of us feel the same way.

How many nights we fought off the suicidal thoughts, the urge to cut, the urge to purge, the urge to run or to hide out, alone, too afraid to worry or bother our friends and family.

How many days and nights have we all suffered in our own darkness alone?

People like us fight a battle no one can ever fathom because it's a battle no one can see. And we don't let them.

I've fought myself and survived myself alone so many nights.

There were nights I use to lose my own battle. But some how still came out alive.

I guess that's how we keep going. Because every time we give up we come out stronger.

You fight yourself and beat yourself up for so long that eventually you become a master of surviving a war.

We're warriors.

"I don't know how many times I've survived myself, without telling anyone else."

Tonight, I'm telling all of you.

I survived myself.

And if you're still here and you're reading this, you survived yourself too.

It's not easy but you did it.

And I'm so proud of you all.

"I haven't been myself lately."

And when I say that I mean

I've been spending Friday nights alone in my room chugging a 2L bottle of wine,
instead of hanging out with my best friend.
Because as much as I can't stand to be alone
My head is screaming at me that I deserve to be.

I mean that I can't wake up for work in the morning because I spent all night
worrying about everything that's going to go wrong,
And decided it wasn't worth it.


I mean that I haven't seen the sun in days all I see is darkness and Mom I don't know how to find the light again.


I mean I can't remember what it feels like to want to WANT to be alive.
But I can tell you all of the reasons I think I should just die.

I mean I lost my motivation to care about myself and maybe the voice in my head is lying,
But I feel like no one really cares anyways and why would they care?

I mean on Saturday night I sat in my bed for hours rocking back and forth,
crying uncontrollably with a bottle of pills in my hands
And I almost did it.
But I thought of you.

I mean that when I woke up in the morning I woke up with regret because I had the chance to end it that night
But I'm still here and I can't live with this pain any longer.

I mean that everything is still the same except I feel like i don't know who I am anymore
And I'm scared mom.
I'm terrified.

I mean that I am scared to live mom but I'm also terrified to die.

So when I tell you I haven't felt like myself lately

I really mean I need help mom.

I need it soon.

But I'm too afraid to ask you.

I'm too afraid that you're going to worry so much that you too will end up in this darkness
And it will be my fault.

I'm too afraid you'll roll your eyes and say "things aren't as bad as they seem sweetie. They will get better."

Because I know on paper everything looks fine.

But if you stepped inside my mind for just a minute you'd come back screaming "THINGS WILL GET BETTER BUT HOW DO I GET THERE?"

I'm afraid you won't believe me and I'm afraid you won't understand because mom I don't even understand.

And I'm sorry, that this is your child.

I'm sorry I can't control this and I'm sorry I have to put you through this again.

I just haven't been myself lately mom.

I hope now you understand.

It takes a sad soul to be able to write poetry.

Someone who has been through hell.

It takes a person with so much emotion,

To be able to understand poetry.

For it to really reach them.

Poets write to feel.

Poets write to find people who understand.

And more than anything,

Poets write,

In Hope's that their words,

Will reach someone just like themselves.

Poets write to feel less alone.

And to let others know they aren't alone either.

I see all of you.

Right down to your hearts.

I wish I had the chance to know all of you.

Your beautiful souls.

Please don't ever stop writing.

I need you.

All of you. ♡

My mom says,

"You look beautiful today"
She asks "have you lost any weight honey? Here's a salad before you go to work.
You dont want to get fat"

Mom says, life is always easier for skinny girls and that I haven't had it easy so maybe my weight is the problem.

I tell her I'm comfortable.
But as I walk away, I find myself gazing into my bedroom mirror pinching at the fat on my stomach
Wishing it was nothing but paper, because then I could cut it off and maybe then I would be happy and maybe then my mom would think I was good enough.
Mom says, "those leggings aren't flattering on you. And don't you know what people will say about you if you walk around dressed like that? Hide your body. Hide your curves, the world doesn't need to see your fat seeping through those nylon pants. "

I yell back " I don't care what you think! I LIKE THEM"
Mom says "yes you do, I know you do. Now go change and come eat your salad."

I force feed myself a salad for the 5th time this week and change into a baggy sweatshirt and some sweatpants.

I want to believe that I don't care what she thinks but her words feel like bee stings prickling my entire body and no matter how many times they attack, I don't grow numb to them.

I weighed myself today, I lost 5 pounds this week but im starting to feel sick from hunger, I'm light headed.

I head downstairs, the thought of inhaling every carb we have in the kitchen because it's been 2 weeks since ive had one and the cravings are too strong.

Just as I'm about to make some pasta mom comes into the kitchen.

"You look amazing," she says.
"You're so beautiful hunny I'm so proud of you. Wait... is that pasta? What are you doing? If you eat that you'll get fat again. If you're fat you won't be happy. You can't be happy. Put that down. Here's a pill for you hunny"

Take it when you're hungry, it'll take away the cravings and surpress your appetite.

I take the stupid pills that mom seems to think work like magic and I go back up to my room, staring at this body of mine that doesn't feel like mine anymore.

I hate myself.
I hate that I want to eat carbs and I hate that I dream of sugar every night.
I hate that my mom thinks I need a pill to fix who I am, as if I am unlovable when i am not losing weight.
Even as her daughter.

Growing up, we're always taught that our mothers are our protectors...
But I realize now my mother is the reason I never feel like I'm good enough.
I never feel like I'm loveable.

Mother's are suppose to make their daughters feel beautiful and empowered.

I spent my entire childhood on a diet.
To this day, I still hear her voice in my head.
Have a salad honey.
It will be easier if you're skinny.
Change into something else.

I wonder, if this will follow me forever.
If I will always be haunted, by my mother's shame.

I promise though,
If I ever have a daughter,
I will empower her to love herself no matter what.
I will teach her that love isn't based on your waist size and neither is acceptance you can find love at 400 pounds the same way you can at 130 pounds.
I will teach her she is beautiful.
I will make sure that when she grows up, she's not afraid to touch pasta, or have a sweet.
I will teach her, no matter what, SHE IS LOVEABLE. And so are you.. And so am I... I think...

I am not a mother
And for that reason,
It wouldn't be fair for me to speak to the frustration you must feel having a child who just couldn't ever get it all together.
I cannot remember the times as a baby where you consoled me without anger.
I cannot fathom that there was a moment in my life where you held me and rocked me to sleep without feeling like I somehow owed you something.
I cannot speak to how many nights you spent awake crying because I kept you awake and all you needed was just a few hours of sleep to keep going.
I cannot recall these things, but I think, I hope, that you were the kind of mother back then, who did it all.
I am not a mother
I do not know the kind of disappointment that having a 29 year old child living at home must bring.
I do not always get things right
I do not always pull my weight and I don't pay your bills and I see the way you clench your fists and sigh everytime I have anything to say back about your demands.
I am far from perfect
I have caused so much pain over the years and believe me I know,
I haven't made loving me very easy.
But I am not YOUR mother.
It is not my job to regulate your emotions.
I am not obligated to take your side in every argument even when I know you are wrong.
Because sometimes, you ARE wrong.
I am your daughter
I have tried my whole life to make you proud, to prove to you I am worthy of your love, even though I am no longer a "child".
Sometimes it works
You give me your love when it's easy.
When I do something you can brag about to your friends.
You love me when it's convenient,  for YOU.
Then again, a mother's love isn't supposed to be conditional
The silent treatment only makes me fold further into my own skin.
Your back handed comments about everything I don't do, and how I should be so grateful to have a roof over my head, only breeds more resentment and hurt inside of me.
I know I am lucky
I know that so many other families have it worse and that from the outside looking in, we are this perfect family.
The thing is, no one is perfect,  not even you
I never expected you to be a perfect mother, a perfect mother does not exist.
I expected you try.
I expected you to teach me how to love myself before anyone else because I am deserving of it.
I expected you to be there for me when things were falling apart, without judgement, or anger, or guilt.
You never loved yourself either
And my heart hurts to think about the stories of your childhood.
Your own mother could never give you the love you deserved.
But I NEEDED you to break the cycle
I needed you to ask for help.
I needed you to recognize that you have caused a lot of hurt for me too.
I needed you to want to change.
To this day, you've never gotten the treatment you so desperately needed
I'm not saying this to be mean
I'm saying this because none of us are immune to trauma and if it's not dealt with, the cycle continues.
Unfortunately,  I am now part of this cycle too
I cannot help but think that if you had only gotten the help you needed when I was younger, I wouldn't need to be the one in treatment for trauma.
I cannot help but wonder what our relationship could have been like today, had you faced your own demons and fought them, like the warrior I know you can be.
But I know,
I am not a mother.
I am under your control.
It is how you like it.
How you need it to be.
I am not a mother.
I am silenced.

On Christmas Eve I was talking to my brother

It was 2:30 in the morning

We had both been drinking.

I read him one of my poems.

That one about surviving myself.

It sparked a conversation.

The tough kind.

About suicide.

I told him I truly believed most people

Dont WANT to die

They just want the pain to stop

I told him it was a cry for help.

He told me my first attempt was not.

He said with tears rolling down his cheeks

"You were done that night."

With tears now streaming down my cheeks I replied

"I can't talk about this. Not tonight."

"I know." He cried

"Did you ever get help after that night? After seeing me like that? Did you talk to someone?"

"I couldnt talk about it. It was too hard."

At this point we're both bawling.

I wrapped my arms around him.

I apologized.

See that's the thing about attempting suicide and surviving.

If you're lucky enough

To survive

You have to witness the pain everyone around you feels.

Because of you.

I never use to think it was selfish.

Not until Christmas Eve.

I broke my brother.

6 years ago.

And he's still haunted.

I'm sorry to all the people I hurt while I was hurting

I'm sorry for last minute cancelled plans

And ghosting your text messages

You've done nothing wrong I just can't get myself together enough to answer you right now.

I'm sorry for all of my triggers.

And that sometimes my triggers, triggered you too.

I know I have a lot of them, I know it is frustrating

Believe it or not I've actually come a long way with them though...

I'm sorry for the days i was too irritable and short with you

I understand it wasnt fair.

I'm sorry that the things that upset me, most of the time wouldn't upset other people.

I'm a very emotional person, this is a blessing sometimes but also a curse.

I'm sorry I see things black or white.

I've been hurt so many times, I've built a wall for people in the grey areas.

You're either all the way in, or out of my life completely.

I'm sorry this comes off as dramatic, and unrealistic.

But if you know me well enough, you'd understand why I see it this way.

Regardless of all of this, I'm sorry that I pushed you away because of it.

Because of my, me-ness.

So far away.

When really I needed you right here.

But this is what I do when I'm hurting.

I hurt you because I'm hurting.

None of that is fair.

I'm sorry if you were one of those people.

I'm probably going to
Annoy you, and

You're probably going
To read my text message
That is way too long

And write me off
As a girl who

Talks too much.
Cares too much
Thinks too much.

I'm probably not
Your type
Because girls like
Me,

Believe people should have
Hearts like mine.

But being an empath is hard.

People are afraid
To be broken.

They pretend they are hard
And push away those
Who are soft,

To protect themselves
From everything they are
Running from.

Dont stop being soft.

Soft hearts will change
The world.

Your heart is beautiful.
You are beautiful.

Wait for the one
Who sees you
For all that you are.

Picture this...
A girl breaks up with her long term boyfriend and downloads tinder.

The girl tries to play it cool for a little while, flirting, leading guys on, whatever it took to make her feel good.

Because the attention FEELS good and we all know it.

At first it was used to boost her confidence.

Until she started to hate these guys.

Until she realized they were all only looking for one thing and that was her body and not her heart.

Until she noticed the second she got real she would get unmatched.

The countless times she received only one message from multiple guys saying "let's have ***"
And when her response was "I'm not that kind of girl" they disappeared.

Yea sure, tinder is a great confidence booster for a little while.

Until you're ready to give your heart to someone and you realize that the size of your *** is more important than the size of your heart.
Or your favourite colour.
Or what makes you smile.
Or what makes you sad.

Girl gets tinder...
And it works for a little while.

But none of them were worth it.

Picture this...

7 months later

Spent swiping and matching and chatting

And shes still hung up on her ex.

Because he saw her for who she was.

And those guys never will.

Why do I break everything I touch?
It's almost as if my fingers are razor blades  

But that's not even the worst part.
The worst part is the words that come out of my mouth
After my heart feels like it's been torn into shreds by your blades.

And baby even that, that's not even the worst part.
The worst part is I cant even tell
If my thoughts are real
If my feelings are rational

Baby please help me because sometimes I get lost in my own mind

Theres demons that live up there and they take over sometimes.

It's hard for me to know,
To tell the difference

Between a feeling that deserves to be felt
And a feeling that shouldn't really be there.

I've spent the better part of my life being told that what I feel isnt real.

I've spent the last 4 years questioning myself,
And quite frankly my whole life.

Desperately trying to figure out
Whether I deserve to feel this way

Or somehow I've asked for this.

Did I create this darkness myself?

Does my mind somehow convince me that everything and everyone
In this world
Is only going to hurt me?

Is it my fault if it does?

I wish I had the wisdom
And the rational

Between reality
And insanity

Baby please believe me when I tell you

"I didnt ask to be this way ! I want a way out I want an escape. I don't want to feel this way tonight, tomorrow, or ever again!"

I've tried to explain
Theres no quick fix to this.

Theres trauma.
There's questions unanswered.
Memories blocked out to help
Avoid the pain.

But a person can only handle this constant
"I hate you."
"I love you."
"Don't leave me."

For so long
Before they crack too.

Have I weighed you down too
With this awful demon.
While trying to fight off my own?

September 2nd, 2016 I received my diagnoses.
Borderline Personality Disorder
Yikes....
But then it all started to make sense.

I understand myself now more than I ever have before.

But try explaining this to a friend, a lover, a family member.

"Borderline of what?"
They all ask.

Let me explain....

I am on the borderline
The borderline of love,
and of hate

I love so deeply,
I can make you feel like you're on top of the world..

But then I split.
And suddenly,
I hate you,
I hate you,
I hate you,
But don't leave me.
please don't ever leave me.

Love me,
Love me.

Leave me behind.
I'm the borderline
I can be the happiest of people.
But also the most depressing.

See when I feel happiness
I see that the sun shines brighter,
I notice the good in the little things.

When I'm happy l,
I feel invincible.

But then...
In the blink of an eye,
I split.

And suddenly,
I'm the lowest of the low.

I'm standing on that edge,
Hoping to God I have the courage to take one more step.
To end it all.

Staring down that bottle of pills,
feeling like swallowing them maybe wouldn't be so bad.

I am on the borderline...
of your best friend,
And some days,
your worst enemy.

I push you away,
I pull you too close.

The borderline of loneliness,
and never really being alone.

I am on the borderline,

The borderline of insanity.

The borderline of my sanity.

I have borderline personality disorder,

And these borders have taken over me.

It hurts because it matters.
      It matters because you care.
           You care because you still love them.
                   You love them but they left you.
            They left you because it hurt.
       It hurt because they cared.
    They cared because they still loved you.
They loved you but then they left you.

And it all hurts. And it all hurts, because it matters.

Have you ever wondered what it takes to leave your mark on this world

Wondered how many times you cross someone elses mind in a day.

How many people have walked away after meeting you, with a smile.

Do you sometimes wonder how often people think of you and what it is they remember?

Was it that time you hurt them so bad they can't erase it,

Or a moment of heartache that you helped pull them out of?

Do you wonder if you were in someones dream last night?

Was it a good one? Did you haunt them?

Or if something you said to someone mattered,
enough for them to keep going, to hold on for one more day.

I lay awake in bed and I wonder

I wonder if my life has mattered enough

To be remembered

To make a difference

To leave my mark.

I'll always wonder...

And I wish that we shared these things with each other.

Stay away from the boys
Dont give them your heart
Until they are old enough
And mature enough to handle it.

And dont chase them either,
Ever.
Let them chase you.

Don't let any boy,
Actually dont let anyone in general
Including yourself
Make you feel like you don't matter.
Or that you're not good enough.

You are everything to so many people.
And this world wouldn't be the same without you here.

Find something you're good at and keep doing it.

Write.

Write when you're happy.

Write when you're sad.

Write down your dream last night.

Write about love.

Write about heartbreak.

It's not always easy to talk about what you're going through and how you're feeling, so you end up fighting your battles alone.

But writing it down even just for you to hear it will help you.

Getting the thoughts out of your mind and onto paper will give you space to breathe again.

Take a deep breath. Just breathe. Nothing bad lasts forever. Good and bad trade places in life constantly and this will never change.

Keep breathing anyways.

Be kind to everyone even when it's hard to.
Even when It hurts to.

Remember that everyone you meet has a story.
Remember how you wished that the **** who made fun of you knew what you were going through.
So maybe he would stop.

Remember that when you think it's a good idea to do it back to him or anyone else.

Listen to your mom.
She's always right.
I learned this the hard way.

Theres no such thing as having too many friends.
But don't give pieces of yourself to people who don't understand how to complete you the same way you do them.

People are going to change.
And people are going to leave.

There will be days you wish you could change yourself.
And days scissors don't remind you of paper,
But your own skin.

Don't test it.
Please.

There will be nights you think you won't survive.

And days you wish would never end.

You're going to hurt.

You're going to cry.

You're going to laugh.

You're going to grow.


Nothing and no one will ever be perfect.

But there is still so much good out there to see.
And feel.
And know.

If there's one thing I can teach you let it be this....

I'm not so worried about the mark on your math test.
Or that you skipped class yesterday.
I care that you are happy.
That your mind is healthy.

I care about you being right here.
Right now.

No matter what you're going through
And how impossible it may feel for things to get better.
I promise they always do. ALWAYS.

I know this because I've been where you are and I'm still here to tell you this.

If you wake up in the morning and you are still breathing,
You are doing something right.
Keep doing it.

I'm proud of you.

You are going to make it.
You are going to to be okay.
You will find your happiness.
And your crowd.
And your success.

Just make sure you keep on waking up, and getting yourself out of that bed.❤

This world needs you.
-c.m.

There wasn't any pivotal moment

No explicit epiphany one morning that changed things for me

It took me years

Years of dark lonely nights,

Saying to myself " I'll wait one more day, maybe tomorrow it will get better."

Just to see if things would change

I did this over and over again

For years

Usually i won the battle against myself

But a few times I failed

And I tried to let go

3 times I survived.

3 times in 3 years

The last time I had those horrific thoughts

I thought to myself

I survived myself 3 times

I shouldn't even be here today

But here I am

Still alive

Still breathing

And instead of convincing myself I wasn't worth it

The way I had so many times before

I screamed to myself

"I HAVE TO BE WORTH IT. I HAVE TO BE HERE RIGHT NOW FOR A REASON!"

I put the bottle down that night

I cried myself to sleep

In the morning I thanked God I was still here

I started focusing on the little moments

Like my best friend telling me how much she loves me

My mom thanking me for listening to her worries.

My brother calling to ask for advice about what to get mom for Christmas.

One of my students asking me if I was going to be around until they graduate

Because they dont want me to leave them.

The conversation I had with the server every morning at the coffee shop.

And it was when I started noticing and appreciating those little, positive moments in my life

That things began to turn around

It was all those little bits of human connection, interaction

That is how I survived.

As humans, we live and breathe for human connection

We need to feel valued and we need to feel understood

To any of you still stuck in that darkness,

Connection is the answer.

And to any of you who may know someone in that place

Send them a message.

Tell them you love them.

Smile at a stranger.

Walk to quiet girl from your drama class to her next class.

Compliment the bully on their new shoes.

Help the old lady across the street carry her groceries inside.

We all have a story.

Throw kindness out there even to the people who don't deserve it.

They need it the most.

We need to connect with each other.

Love is all around us.

Connections are everywhere.

Let's survive this world together.

Let's save some lives.

Find someone who goes out of their way to make you smile, because seeing you happy, makes them happy too.

Someone who traces your scars as if they are a story, and they aren't afraid to stop reading it.

Someone who knows you're sad when you start posting quotes on your story again, and shows up at your door to give you a hug, because they know that's what you need.

Someone who listens to you like your words are their favourite song and they don't ever want stop listening.

Find someone,
Who treats your precious heart like their favourite treasure, because that's what it is.

Don't you ever settle, because I promise you, someone out there has been waiting to give you the world, don't settle until you find them.

-c.m.

I always thought that I would be broken forever. I couldn't imagine a version of myself that wasn't sad, or lonely or constantly running... from something.

Today, I realized that I've made it.

It's a Friday night,
And I'm spending it alone.

But for once, I don't feel lonely.

I feel at peace.

I feel proud.

I made it out of that darkness.

And now,

I'm here,

Beautifully, unbroken.

-C.M.

The rain wasnt just a metaphor for the tears streaming down my cheeks today, it was reality.

Although, It was literally down pouring rain all day long.

While thunder and lightning were crashing and flashing in the sky,

Thunder and lightning were building up of me on the inside.

I don't wanna talk about it no, I'm fine I'm all right.

Then I close my door and just let myself cry.

They don't know what it feels like.

To be all alone and have no one to confide.

I can't seem to shake off the things that are said anymore.

But if it doesn't change soon I won't want to get out of bed anymore.

Baby, toddler, child, teen, adult

It doesnt matter, any of us can be victims of this type of assault.

Bullying doesnt just happen when you are young.

You just hope by the time you've grown up, that course has been run.

One more time and I will really lose it.

I was given a mouth to speak, I think it's about time I use it.

I'm over you
But sometimes
when I hear an old song on the radio
it still reminds me of you
and makes my heart ache.

I don't love you anymore
But when I drive past the spot
where you told me you loved me
for the first time,
I swear I feel the love all over again
my heart started to break.

I say I am finished missing you
But many nights I still lay awake
past 2, 3 am
with thoughts of you,
us,
still flashing through my mind.

I swear I'm not lonely,
being alone.
But seeing you with her,
suddenly makes me feel isolated and distant from the rest of the world.
My world is no longer aligned.

I want you to be happy,
I really do.
But I wish more than anything
I could have been the one making you smile.

Our relationship was short,
but sweet.

I fell fast
and I fell hard.

I loved,
and I hurt
and I laughed
and I cried.

But I never wished,
we would end with goodbye.

It's been over a year now,
And still things are the same.
I hope you're happier with out me.
You had so much to gain.

I'm sure I'll see you soon again
Our paths may cross from time to time
But I've finally accepted now,
That you will never again be mine.

It's almost been one year now...

Since I last saw your bright eyes and perfect smile, I still smile when I think of you.

It's almost been one year,

Since I felt your warm embrace around me, sometimes when I'm huddled in a cozy blanket, I can almost feel you again.

It's almost been one year,

Since you broke my heart,
I was so sure I'd have forgotten about you by now.

But its almost been one year,
And if I'm being honest, I still miss you like you left me yesterday.

-c.m.

I had to learn
How to plant my own garden
And water my own flowers

I had to to pull
Myself off the bathroom floor
While I was shaking and crying

I had to calm
My mind at night
When my thoughts told me I should die

I had to keep living
Even on days I didn't want to
I had to keep going.

I lived so much of my life
Believing I needed someone else to fix me
I never realized that I was the one
Healing myself
The entire time.

It's so hard because I still want parts of you.

The parts that I know, no longer belong to me.

It's selfish because I don't deserve any of you.

But I long for your touch most nights.I miss feeling like I was always wanted, needed.

Waking up next to you and having our morning coffee together. Watching movies in your bed.

When I left you it felt like my whole world would crumble if I stuck around but now...

Now I can't seem to let you go.

A part of me is lost in you and I think it always will be.

And I would take it all back just to have those little moments, to have the little parts of You, all to myself again.

Making a mistake doesnt make you a bad person

Having your own opinion doesnt make you mean

Being sad and breaking down doesnt make you weak

Moving on and starting over doesnt mean that you're scared

Taking time for yourself and putting yourself first doesnt mean you're selfish

Feeling lonely doesn't mean you're all alone.

Standing up for yourself and what you believe in doesnt mean you think you're always right

You get to be whoever you want to be, this is your life. You make your choices. You accept yourself.

The people who love you will stand with you and the ones who don't won't be around for long anyways.

You are perfect just the way you are ❤

I was just searching
for a home.

When I realized you
couldnt be my home
Anymore,

I got lost.

So here I lay,
Not only homeless,
But hopeless.

I lost the only
Home I'll ever have.

Maybe some of us
Were meant to be
Lost.

That's the thing
I let you in
I get hurt

I get hurt
I push you away
You get hurt

I want you back
You're too far gone
I'm alone again

Theres no winning with BPD
The ending is always the same
I end up all alone

Yesterday you told me that you were feeling empty.
And I told you everything I had done in order to fill that empty void.
Because I too, had felt it.
And dont get me wrong...
Its not all the time or as much as it use to be.
Some days I miss the whole feeling of someone seeing the world in me,
you know?
And I wonder if I'll ever find it again,
Or if my he was the only person who will ever see me that way?
Being out here on my own has been both amazing and utterly lonely at the same time.
A lot of times at night,
The guys trickle off to their girls.
And the girls have their other girl friends they go to see.
And then theres me...
alone in my room staring at the ceiling.
Nights like tonight.
It's like I'm feeling so much inside that I cant feel anything at all.
Just this emptiness and an empty bed and an empty house.
Loneliness might be the worst part.
It might be one of the hardest emotions to fathom.
Sadness, and anger, they fade over time.
But the loneliness,  
the knowing that life might be this way forever,
its unbearable.
It doesnt feel temporary when it hits. It feels like it's something that was there all along but hiding in the shadows of daylight.
The light helps your mind play tricks on you during they day, to help you get through.
But at night the darkness, the empty room...
its inevitable,
theres no hiding
and theres no escape.
Except the ceiling,
and the music
to drown out the voices
that you've done it to yourself
and you deserve it.
And it's not poetic or inspiring.
It's a debilitating feeling
that you're not worthy or good enough to deserve the love and affection everyone else seems to find.
To be lonely,
you must first believe
you deserve to be alone.
I guess that is my problem,
Not only do I believe it,
I can't blame anyone else for no it.
For even I,
Would avoid myself if given the choice.
It's no wonder,
They all did too.

To be honest with you...

I'm terrified

That when you said no one would ever love me again,

You were right...

I need you to remember,
My dear,
That even when it feels like the whole world doesn't see you,
I do.
I always did.

When the the whole world turns their ears off and ignores you,
I still hear you.

When the whole world is smiling and dancing in the moonlight,
I feel your tears trickle down my cheeks.
I feel you.

When the whole world is sleeping peacefully and sound and you feel like you're all alone.
I'm awake with you.
I'm here with you,
I'm here for you.

When the whole world doesn't understand your heart of gold.
I'm holding it in my hands.
I won't let it go.

Even when the whole world has made you feel like you don't belong here anymore.
Like you're too much.
Or not enough.
You're everything to me.

You always have been.
You always will be.

Please stay right here darling,
Look up at the sun, the clouds, the moon, the stars.
I'm right here.

And you my love,
Are not alone.

Darling I know you are looking at yourself in the mirror right now
Questioning what you've done wrong

I know your mind was racing all night going over every conversation in your head

I know you're wondering how and why it all went wrong.

And I know you're sitting there with tears streaming down your face, and you're blaming yourself once again

I know you're feeling like no one will ever understand you completely, I know you're terrified that you will always be misunderstood

And I know you're so tired of trying to explain and convince yourself, that you are enough, and that you are a good person

I also know you don't believe it.

Here's what I need you to remember...

Not everybody in this world is going to love you

Not everyone is going to understand you and not everyone is going to want to

Not everyone will think you're good enough and not everyone is going to try and see the best in you

BUT, that is not what matters.

HERE'S what matters,

That no matter how small you are made to feel sometimes

No matter how many times you are made to feel like a bad person

No matter how many mistakes you make

The only thing that matters

Is that you stay true to yourself.

You get back up.

You start over again.

And you forgive yourself.

And you love yourself.

Love yourself even more when you feel like you deserve it the least.

Understand that you know yourself better than anyone else and the only thing that really matters is that you start to believe that and see that in yourself.

No matter what the rest of the world may try to make you believe, you keep fighting and you keep loving and tou keep believing in you.

-c.m.

My last words to her were
"You're just causing drama J,
Why can't we just do it their way?
What's the big deal?"

And her last response to me was
"*******,
How could you take their side?
How could you?

And J walked away.

                And that was the last time I ever saw her face.

                                      It was the last time I ever heard her voice.

It was our final college class, then it was summer break.

I went back home and I was working my shift when I got the call.

I missed the call the first time.

And when I saw who it was I knew something had to be
horribly wrong.

Then she told me,

you fell asleep last night...
         and you just never
                      woke up.

You fell asleep next to your love
          and he woke up to kiss you good morning
                          and your skin was cold and blue.

                                          You were gone.

I didn't want to believe her.

How could that be true?

Only 2 weeks ago we were in class together

This can't be true.

My last words to you...

Your last words to me.

There are so many things I wish I could have told you J.

You were fearless,

              And resilient,

                        And Beautiful,

                               And kind,

                                      You weren't afraid of who you were,

                                                    You owned it.

                                             And that scared me.

I wanted to be that way but I cared too much
about what other people would think.

You
NEVER
did!

And I loved you for it.

And I miss you dearly.

And I think about you everyday.

I hope you're up there singing with the angels now beautiful.

It's the fear of not being good enough for anyone. That's what stops me from trying at all. I have managed to push everyone else away because I'm scared they  will eventually end up seeing me the way I see myself.

This whole night, it was almost as if alarm bells were ringing in my head non-stop

Trigger after trigger after trigger

I tried everything I could to keep myself composed.

Deep ocean breathing. Box breathing. Subject changes.

Nothing worked.

I was at war with myself the whole time.

A battle between my mind and its triggers, and the voice inside my head yelling at me for being so selfish, and making this night about me and my triggers

I felt like I was clawing at my brain trying to escape the thoughts.

Praying I could just be like everyone else for one night.

Nothing stopped it.

Trigger, they just talked about an event and didn't invite me.

Trigger I'm not good enough

Trigger nobody is talking to me

Trigger why am I like this

Trigger get me out of my head

Trigger they noticed I'm quiet

Trigger the tears roll down my cheek

Trigger nobody would have noticed if I wasnt here tonight

Trigger I dont wanna be here tonight

Trigger I dont wanna be here at all.

Trigger

Trigger

Trigger

I tried to shut the alarms off but they rang all night and I'm exhausted.

Trigger.

C.m.

It's not that I don't want to live. It's just that I don't want to keep living like this.

Were fighting as I yell, "I'm angry why don't you just go away"
Inside I'm screaming "no don't actually, please stay"

My body has gone into self defense mode,
And with that, it becomes so hard to decode

I'm tired and I'm hurt but it's not all your fault
Theres so many secrets locked in my vault

You said you would be there, even when it got ugly
But I guess the fighting, for you was too much juggling

My emotions run at an all time high
I warned you this from the start,
You were still willing to try.

I explained that this is what I would do
But you wouldnt listen, it was all so true

Now I'm left with an empty space
You left my life without a trace

A part of me, you took with you,
that day you drove away, gone forever
I felt like I lost my mind that night,
But I understand now we're better of not being together

You never understood my heart, the way the man I deserve, really should
I'm not sorry for the person I am,
I'm just sorry you never understood

C.m.

I have always hated the night. Something about the quiet. Something to do with the darkness.        

Millions of people trickling off to their beds. Drifting into peaceful sleeps and sweet dreams.                      

I lay here wondering if anyone else finds this time the most painful.                                                         ­            

I dread my bed and the anchors they hold on me, pulling me deep into an ocean of alertness. An ocean of loneliness.

The night for me meant demons, It meant fear.And an anxiety so crippling that closing my eyes only made it worse.

Except, It wasn't so bad when I had you. Nights never were the same without you.

Once filled with hope and excitement for the morning.

Now filled with dread of living the same day over again.

3:27 a.m

We've barely even touched this new year.

We certainly didn't touch it together.

You always knew I was the thunder and lightning,

Not the calming before the storm.

You knew this,

and you said you loved me anyways.

But tonight a new year began,

and I couldn't find you anywhere.

Because my storm came crashing down today,

at a time when your sun was rising.

And this was too much for you.

It poured rain all night, literally.

But the real storm hit when I got home.

Crawled into bed and for the first time in years

Your arms weren't around me.

And this

This is the LAST time you break me

The last year I spend praying you and I will be enough

The last time I run back to you thinking you're the only one who can love me the way I deserve.

I deserved you here, tonight.

You were gone.

They say with love comes compromise and understanding.

But to you I was the enemy.

Nothing to understand , its just who I am.

You knew me better than anyone.

The only person on this planet who can break me down in seconds.

You know all of my triggers and yet you use them against me

instead of trying to build me up.

I'm tired of being shamed for who I am

when you know every part of me and claim you still love me.

Then come back with, "but why do you do this.?"

As if you have no idea.

But this is the last time.

I'll love myself this year.

In all the ways you couldn't.

I'll love myself for me this time.

-i have you to thank for that

These past couple of years I've learned a lot

I've learned that sunshine really does make you feel happier,

And seasonal depression is a real thing.

I've learned that singing in the car as loud as you can to your favourite song does count as self care.

And so does sleeping.

I've learned that eating healthy and working out doesnt cure depression

It can help you feel a bit better about yourself though.

I've learned that silence in a conversation speaks louder than a thousand words spoken

And you cant force people to stay in your life who dont wanna be there.

I've learned that laughter is so healing

And finding someone who can make you laugh while you're in tears is so important.

I've learned that everyone has a story and a past.

And everyone has been through something that has changed them for better or for worse, but we're in no position to judge each other for it.

I've learned that in life you need to accept not everyday will be good but there will always be something good in your day.

And some days you'll feel on top of the world while other days you'll feel crushed underneath it.

I've learned it's okay to be sad, to cry and to break down.

And that as hard as it is to believe this yourself, you still deserve to be happy no matter what your demons are or what your mind tells you.

I've learned that people always leave but the good ones stick around, and sometimes people come back around.

And that the only person who can make your life better is you, so it's time you, we, I all push ourselves a little more each day.

Most importantly though, I've learned that life is worth living, yours is too I promise this.

And I'm proud of myself and I'm proud of you, for still being here.

❤❤