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i need a distraction,
more than anything,
i need to get away from this reality.
Find someone who goes out of their way to make you smile, because seeing you happy, makes them happy too.

Someone who traces your scars as if they are a story, and they aren't afraid to stop reading it.

Someone who knows you're sad when you start posting quotes on your story again, and shows up at your door to give you a hug, because they know that's what you need.

Someone who listens to you like your words are their favourite song and they don't ever want stop listening.

Find someone,
Who treats your precious heart like their favourite treasure, because that's what it is.

Don't you ever settle, because I promise you, someone out there has been waiting to give you the world, don't settle until you find them.

-c.m.
It hurts because it matters.
      It matters because you care.
           You care because you still love them.
                   You love them but they left you.
            They left you because it hurt.
       It hurt because they cared.
    They cared because they still loved you.
They loved you but then they left you.

And it all hurts. And it all hurts, because it matters.
I always thought that I would be broken forever. I couldn't imagine a version of myself that wasn't sad, or lonely or constantly running... from something.

Today, I realized that I've made it.

It's a Friday night,
And I'm spending it alone.

But for once, I don't feel lonely.

I feel at peace.

I feel proud.

I made it out of that darkness.

And now,

I'm here,

Beautifully, unbroken.

-C.M.
My mom says,

"You look beautiful today"
She asks "have you lost any weight honey? Here's a salad before you go to work.
You dont want to get fat"

Mom says, life is always easier for skinny girls and that I haven't had it easy so maybe my weight is the problem.

I tell her I'm comfortable.
But as I walk away, I find myself gazing into my bedroom mirror pinching at the fat on my stomach
Wishing it was nothing but paper, because then I could cut it off and maybe then I would be happy and maybe then my mom would think I was good enough.
Mom says, "those leggings aren't flattering on you. And don't you know what people will say about you if you walk around dressed like that? Hide your body. Hide your curves, the world doesn't need to see your fat seeping through those nylon pants. "

I yell back " I don't care what you think! I LIKE THEM"
Mom says "yes you do, I know you do. Now go change and come eat your salad."

I force feed myself a salad for the 5th time this week and change into a baggy sweatshirt and some sweatpants.

I want to believe that I don't care what she thinks but her words feel like bee stings prickling my entire body and no matter how many times they attack, I don't grow numb to them.

I weighed myself today, I lost 5 pounds this week but im starting to feel sick from hunger, I'm light headed.

I head downstairs, the thought of inhaling every carb we have in the kitchen because it's been 2 weeks since ive had one and the cravings are too strong.

Just as I'm about to make some pasta mom comes into the kitchen.

"You look amazing," she says.
"You're so beautiful hunny I'm so proud of you. Wait... is that pasta? What are you doing? If you eat that you'll get fat again. If you're fat you won't be happy. You can't be happy. Put that down. Here's a pill for you hunny"

Take it when you're hungry, it'll take away the cravings and surpress your appetite.

I take the stupid pills that mom seems to think work like magic and I go back up to my room, staring at this body of mine that doesn't feel like mine anymore.

I hate myself.
I hate that I want to eat carbs and I hate that I dream of sugar every night.
I hate that my mom thinks I need a pill to fix who I am, as if I am unlovable when i am not losing weight.
Even as her daughter.

Growing up, we're always taught that our mothers are our protectors...
But I realize now my mother is the reason I never feel like I'm good enough.
I never feel like I'm loveable.

Mother's are suppose to make their daughters feel beautiful and empowered.

I spent my entire childhood on a diet.
To this day, I still hear her voice in my head.
Have a salad honey.
It will be easier if you're skinny.
Change into something else.

I wonder, if this will follow me forever.
If I will always be haunted, by my mother's shame.

I promise though,
If I ever have a daughter,
I will empower her to love herself no matter what.
I will teach her that love isn't based on your waist size and neither is acceptance you can find love at 400 pounds the same way you can at 130 pounds.
I will teach her she is beautiful.
I will make sure that when she grows up, she's not afraid to touch pasta, or have a sweet.
I will teach her, no matter what, SHE IS LOVEABLE. And so are you.. And so am I... I think...
You better keep your head up my dear
Do not let them steal that crown,
You've worked so hard and come so far.

Don't let them make you feel like you deserve to be treated unfair.
You were not born in this world,
For others to make you feel small.

You are bright, your energy is so big
And the world needs you to share more of it.
Don't listen to them when they try to dull your sparkle.

Don't believe them when they try to convince you that you will never get better.

Don't let them make you feel like you aren't good enough.

Because my God,
I promise you,
You are so much more than just good.

You are strong,
And wonderful,
And resilient,
You are kind,
And courageous,
You have a beautiful soul.

Anyone who tries to get in your way as you begin to heal and to progress, isn't worth investing a single thought into.

Be proud of yourself,
You've grown
You've endured
And you're still growing.

Be proud of yourself.
You're healing,
and not everyone is going to clap for you,
some people are just bitter.

Clap for yourself and carry on.
Be your own cheerleader!

Keep that head up, adjust your crown and keep walking.

-This is resilience
Bullying is never okay, it's important to remember that often times, when someone is bullying you, they are projecting their emotions on to you because it's easier than dealing with what is going on inside of them. It doesn't make it fair. It doesn't make it okay. And it doesn't make it any less painful. Try not to lose sight of who you are if or when this happens. People have a hard time watching you become successful. People have a hard time watching you heal while they are still struggling. But the right people will be there clapping for you. And you are stronger than you
Its not always easy to be patient,
I know
They tell you it gets better
But they don't tell you when

Its not always easy to wake up,
I know
You keep doing it anyways, but sometimes your bed feels like quicksand and you just barely make it out.

Some days, you don't make it out,
I know.
Some days you sink so deep into your sorrows that suddenly you're drowning in an ocean of hopelessness and your bed is the only place safe enough to land.

It's exhausting some days,
I know.

You go to work and you put on a smile even though everything inside you is falling apart, and they don't see,
I know.

You wonder how much longer you can keep pretending things are fine
But they keep saying that things get better
And you want to believe them,
I know

You want to find your way back to the surface, that is a life you're not just surviving, but actually living
I know

I know you want to get better. And I know right now you are struggling and I know that on the days where the only thing you accomplished was simply breathing, you feel like a failure, but hunny you are the exact opposite of that.

You are a fighter.
You are a survivor.
You are braver than anyone will ever know, surviving constant battles clawing at your mind every second of every day.

This does not make you weak my love.
This makes you strong.

I know people keep saying that things get better,
But they never tell you when.

You just have to take it one step at a time.
Pride yourself on accomplishing the little things that don't seem important in the grand scheme of things, but they are the things that are keeping you alive.

One step at a time my love,
One breath, one hour, one morning, one shopping trip, one shower, one day.

Some day, I promise you
All of these little things will eventually lead you back to the light.
Back to being hopeful for tomorrow's.
I know,
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