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I am not a mother
And for that reason,
It wouldn't be fair for me to speak to the frustration you must feel having a child who just couldn't ever get it all together.
I cannot remember the times as a baby where you consoled me without anger.
I cannot fathom that there was a moment in my life where you held me and rocked me to sleep without feeling like I somehow owed you something.
I cannot speak to how many nights you spent awake crying because I kept you awake and all you needed was just a few hours of sleep to keep going.
I cannot recall these things, but I think, I hope, that you were the kind of mother back then, who did it all.
I am not a mother
I do not know the kind of disappointment that having a 29 year old child living at home must bring.
I do not always get things right
I do not always pull my weight and I don't pay your bills and I see the way you clench your fists and sigh everytime I have anything to say back about your demands.
I am far from perfect
I have caused so much pain over the years and believe me I know,
I haven't made loving me very easy.
But I am not YOUR mother.
It is not my job to regulate your emotions.
I am not obligated to take your side in every argument even when I know you are wrong.
Because sometimes, you ARE wrong.
I am your daughter
I have tried my whole life to make you proud, to prove to you I am worthy of your love, even though I am no longer a "child".
Sometimes it works
You give me your love when it's easy.
When I do something you can brag about to your friends.
You love me when it's convenient,  for YOU.
Then again, a mother's love isn't supposed to be conditional
The silent treatment only makes me fold further into my own skin.
Your back handed comments about everything I don't do, and how I should be so grateful to have a roof over my head, only breeds more resentment and hurt inside of me.
I know I am lucky
I know that so many other families have it worse and that from the outside looking in, we are this perfect family.
The thing is, no one is perfect,  not even you
I never expected you to be a perfect mother, a perfect mother does not exist.
I expected you try.
I expected you to teach me how to love myself before anyone else because I am deserving of it.
I expected you to be there for me when things were falling apart, without judgement, or anger, or guilt.
You never loved yourself either
And my heart hurts to think about the stories of your childhood.
Your own mother could never give you the love you deserved.
But I NEEDED you to break the cycle
I needed you to ask for help.
I needed you to recognize that you have caused a lot of hurt for me too.
I needed you to want to change.
To this day, you've never gotten the treatment you so desperately needed
I'm not saying this to be mean
I'm saying this because none of us are immune to trauma and if it's not dealt with, the cycle continues.
Unfortunately,  I am now part of this cycle too
I cannot help but think that if you had only gotten the help you needed when I was younger, I wouldn't need to be the one in treatment for trauma.
I cannot help but wonder what our relationship could have been like today, had you faced your own demons and fought them, like the warrior I know you can be.
But I know,
I am not a mother.
I am under your control.
It is how you like it.
How you need it to be.
I am not a mother.
I am silenced.
They say it takes 21 days to make or break a habit.

So how come it only took me 1 date to fall for you,

3 weeks to love you,

4 words to to shatter my heart

And  21 months to stop wanting you back...

I thought you were my world,
My addiction,
My favourite habit

But no matter how hard I try, I can't seem to break the habit of missing you.

It's almost been one year now...

Since I last saw your bright eyes and perfect smile, I still smile when I think of you.

It's almost been one year,

Since I felt your warm embrace around me, sometimes when I'm huddled in a cozy blanket, I can almost feel you again.

It's almost been one year,

Since you broke my heart,
I was so sure I'd have forgotten about you by now.

But its almost been one year,
And if I'm being honest, I still miss you like you left me yesterday.

  Jul 2021 Things I'll Never Say
i need a distraction,
more than anything,
i need to get away from this reality.
Find someone who goes out of their way to make you smile, because seeing you happy, makes them happy too.

Someone who traces your scars as if they are a story, and they aren't afraid to stop reading it.

Someone who knows you're sad when you start posting quotes on your story again, and shows up at your door to give you a hug, because they know that's what you need.

Someone who listens to you like your words are their favourite song and they don't ever want stop listening.

Find someone,
Who treats your precious heart like their favourite treasure, because that's what it is.

Don't you ever settle, because I promise you, someone out there has been waiting to give you the world, don't settle until you find them.

It hurts because it matters.
      It matters because you care.
           You care because you still love them.
                   You love them but they left you.
            They left you because it hurt.
       It hurt because they cared.
    They cared because they still loved you.
They loved you but then they left you.

And it all hurts. And it all hurts, because it matters.
I always thought that I would be broken forever. I couldn't imagine a version of myself that wasn't sad, or lonely or constantly running... from something.

Today, I realized that I've made it.

It's a Friday night,
And I'm spending it alone.

But for once, I don't feel lonely.

I feel at peace.

I feel proud.

I made it out of that darkness.

And now,

I'm here,

Beautifully, unbroken.

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