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My final goodbye

Dear ex-boyfriend,

I would say I hope this letter finds you well,
but I know you'll probably never get the chance to read this,
even if you did,
at this point, I know you wouldn't care.
I just had some questions for you that play through my mind, especially as the sun sets and my thoughts turn to darkness as the moon comes out to shine its pale light.

I wanted to know why this happened so fast?

We had one conversation and you told me you weren't ready, the next thing I knew it was over and you were gone. Like a ghost you literally vanished from my life without so much as a goodbye.

It destroyed me.

I was so confused,
how can you look someone in the eyes and tell them you love them every day,
and then bolt at the slightest mention of a future together.

Was I just a fool?
Were you only saying those words because you knew it was what I needed to hear to stay and you weren't ready to be alone yet?

Did you ever really love me?
Or was it just that you enjoyed the companionship.
Was it just that you enjoyed the way I loved you?
The way no matter what you did you knew I could never leave and I would still look at you as if you were my king while I later found out I wasn't so much as a peasant to you.
You knew how important close relationships were in my life.
You knew my biggest trigger was losing people I love.
You knew it could be dangerous for my mental health if you walked away, and you did it anyways.

I'm NOT saying I wanted you to stay with me
just so I didn't have to hurt.
The part that is tearing me up inside the most is just that
with knowing all of those things about me,
you still never said a word.
You never asked me if I was okay. You never provided me with closure.

One day I was the person you loved and the next day I was a complete stranger you'd already erased from your life.

It's taken every ounce of strength I have to pull through this heartbreak.
And I really wasn't sure I would survive it this time
because the truth is,
I really never have felt a love like that with anyone else, and so when you walked away
it really did feel like my world
and my life
was over.

But here I am writing you this letter you will never see.

I'm writing this letter,
and then I am letting you go.

You have come back into my life and torn it to pieces 3 times now and I've had enough of the heartache and heartbreak.

The only good thing that has come out of this is
I have learned just how strong
I really am.
I learned that even when I think my life is not worth living
and even if you think
I wasn't good enough, 
I just need to keep waking up, and keep going.

Your heart was never big enough to handle the weight of my love
But I know someday,
I will find someone who sees me for all that I am
and loves me more for it.

So thank you,
I guess,
for giving me the chance
to find someone else
who can love me the way I deserve.

This is my final goodbye,
I will not bother you anymore.
I will not call or text your phone desperately awaiting an explanation I will never receive.
I'm writing this letter
I'm letting you go.
Once and for all.

Sincerely, your ex
I had to wash my sheets again today
Not because they were actually *****
But because the smell of you still lingers on them
Because everytime I reach over to your side of the bed I can still feel your soul laying next to me
I had to wash away the memories of you holding me close as we fell asleep and you kissed my ears so gently
I had to wash away the tears I cried so many nights after you left me here broken, alone and so confused.
I had to wash my sheets today.
To try to erase you from my mind, to try and get a peaceful sleep.
But I know when I close my eyes,
Even if I do fall asleep,
I'll see you in my dreams.
I can wash away your scent but no matter what I do I can't seem to wash away you.
I'm sorry if someone made you feel like it was hard to love you

I'm sorry if you feel like being exactly who you are isn't good enough

I'm sorry if you look in the mirror and hate what you see because someone else said that you weren't beautiful

I'm sorry if you've ever questioned whether your life was worth living because some **** told you the world would be better off without you.

I'm sorry if youre reading this right now and relating to this.

I'm sorry if society's expectations of how a girl should look, what size they should be, and how they should ask, made you think that you were doing it all wrong.

I'm sorry your beautiful soul has ever had to question anything about who you are because the truth is, the world needs more people like YOU.

The truth is they're all wrong.

And I'm sorry for all the years you believed them and all of the tears you cried and nights you asked God why you weren't good enough.

You are.

You always were.

You were never hard to love, you were just loving the wrong people.

I'm sorry they wasted your time.

But its about time you stop hating yourself for not being everyone else's idea of yourself, and start being the version of yourself that you can live with and love.

Even when things are seemingly good,

I find myself gravitating towards sad songs,

yearning to discover a sense of connection...

I still find myself relating to sad quotes

and I still feel the tears burning behind my eyes.

I just wonder sometimes

if that deeply ingrained sadness, ever really goes away.

Do you ever truly get better

after experiencing so much trauma?

Or does it follow you everywhere you go,

lingering in the background waiting for it's moment

to take over again...
Making a mistake doesnt make you a bad person

Having your own opinion doesnt make you mean

Being sad and breaking down doesnt make you weak

Moving on and starting over doesnt mean that you're scared

Taking time for yourself and putting yourself first doesnt mean you're selfish

Feeling lonely doesn't mean you're all alone.

Standing up for yourself and what you believe in doesnt mean you think you're always right

You get to be whoever you want to be, this is your life. You make your choices. You accept yourself.

The people who love you will stand with you and the ones who don't won't be around for long anyways.

You are perfect just the way you are ❤
Darling I know you are looking at yourself in the mirror right now
Questioning what you've done wrong

I know your mind was racing all night going over every conversation in your head

I know you're wondering how and why it all went wrong.

And I know you're sitting there with tears streaming down your face, and you're blaming yourself once again

I know you're feeling like no one will ever understand you completely, I know you're terrified that you will always be misunderstood

And I know you're so tired of trying to explain and convince yourself, that you are enough, and that you are a good person

I also know you don't believe it.

Here's what I need you to remember...

Not everybody in this world is going to love you

Not everyone is going to understand you and not everyone is going to want to

Not everyone will think you're good enough and not everyone is going to try and see the best in you

BUT, that is not what matters.

HERE'S what matters,

That no matter how small you are made to feel sometimes

No matter how many times you are made to feel like a bad person

No matter how many mistakes you make

The only thing that matters

Is that you stay true to yourself.

You get back up.

You start over again.

And you forgive yourself.

And you love yourself.

Love yourself even more when you feel like you deserve it the least.

Understand that you know yourself better than anyone else and the only thing that really matters is that you start to believe that and see that in yourself.

No matter what the rest of the world may try to make you believe, you keep fighting and you keep loving and tou keep believing in you.

This whole night, it was almost as if alarm bells were ringing in my head non-stop

Trigger after trigger after trigger

I tried everything I could to keep myself composed.

Deep ocean breathing. Box breathing. Subject changes.

Nothing worked.

I was at war with myself the whole time.

A battle between my mind and its triggers, and the voice inside my head yelling at me for being so selfish, and making this night about me and my triggers

I felt like I was clawing at my brain trying to escape the thoughts.

Praying I could just be like everyone else for one night.

Nothing stopped it.

Trigger, they just talked about an event and didn't invite me.

Trigger I'm not good enough

Trigger nobody is talking to me

Trigger why am I like this

Trigger get me out of my head

Trigger they noticed I'm quiet

Trigger the tears roll down my cheek

Trigger nobody would have noticed if I wasnt here tonight

Trigger I dont wanna be here tonight

Trigger I dont wanna be here at all.




I tried to shut the alarms off but they rang all night and I'm exhausted.


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