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The rain wasnt just a metaphor for the tears streaming down my cheeks today, it was reality.

Although, It was literally down pouring rain all day long.

While thunder and light night were crashing and flashing in the sky,

Thunder and lightning were building up of me on the inside.

I don't wanna talk about it no, I'm fine I'm all right.

Then I close my door and just let myself cry.

They don't know what it feels like.

To be all alone and have no one to confide.

I can't seem to shake off the things that are said anymore.

But if it doesn't change soon I won't want to get out of bed anymore.

Baby, toddler, child, teen, adult

It doesnt matter, any of us can be victims of this type of assault.

Bullying doesnt just happen when you are young.

You just hope by the time you've grown up, that course has been run.

One more time and I will really lose it.

I was given a mouth to speak, I think it's about time I use it.
College graduation...
a place I quite honestly never even imagined.
I never imagined it because
I convinced myself for so long
that I wouldn't make it that far.

I promised myself,
that by the time I had to decide
who I was going to be,
I would already be gone,
and this would be easier for everyone.

I told myself this,
before high school too.
There were months, even years,
I was convinced I wouldn't
and shouldn't survive.
There were many nights
I almost didn't.

Many nights I still can't understand,
how I survived.
No one else could understand.

And even trying to explain it  now,
sounds silly.

But the truth is,
I wasn't suppose to make it this far.
I shouldn'thave survived
all of the things I put my body through,
over and over again.

Anyway, somehow I did.
3 times.
and I know not everyone is that lucky.

So I took the 3rd time,
and what I am convinced to be
my final chance at life,
and decided to figure out my purpose.

I decided I needed to help children
who felt as lost and lonely
as I did at when I was young.

I decided I owed the world
all the love and all the chances
it gave back to me.

I finally chose to fight.
I knew I couldn't fight for myself.
I was never good at that,
and to this day, I still struggle.

But I fought
for the kids like me.
The kids who had no voice
the kids afraid to speak up,
the kids who never fit in,
the kids who nobody liked.
The kids who care too much,
or not enough.
The ones who loved too hard
or didn't know the meaning of love.
The kids who's hugs saved me some days
and the kids who didn't know what a hug was.

I needed to know I had a purpose,
and I discovered my purpose was showing
so many beautiful children,
what their purpose here is,
and that they matter
and I care even if they don't believe anyone else do.

This purpose has given my life a whole new meaning...
so maybe it was all worth it.
Maybe I was given so many chances,
because someone up there was convinced
that some day my pain,
empathy and hope would save someone.

My honesty would help someone believe in humanity.
It's the fear of not being good enough for anyone. That's what stops me from trying at all. I have managed to push everyone else away because I'm scared they  will eventually end up seeing me the way I see myself.
I can't tell you how many nights I wished my world would end.

I can't count how many times I thought about taking my own life with not even a letter to send.

I can't tell you that there's still a vacancy in my heart and an emptiness in my soul, where they took pieces of me I couldn't replace.

I can't tell you life was easy and the world is kind, because people can be cruel and it's not always such a great place.

I can't tell you that there were many years that I lost myself.

I can't tell you that when things got bad, I never asked for help.

I can't tell you even today, that I am fully healed.

I can't tell you that I'm not okay, my lips are sealed.

I can tell you that no matter how much I wished, my wishes never came true.

I can tell you that each time I tried to take my life, my body always fought through.

I can tell you that the vacancy is filled sometimes, and the empitness lingers in the quiet of my soul on the good days.

I can tell you that when people are kind, I always hope they'll stay.

I can tell you that after losing my mind, I somehow found my back.

I can tell you that although I'm not fully healed, I've made it through with just a few cracks.

I can tell you that I fake it as best I can without ever letting go.

I can tell you I am holding on, but it's getting harder and I know it shows.
So yes,

She’s known sadness.

Maybe you couldn’t tell just from looking at her.But shes been hurt far too many times before.

That’s why she is so kind. She knows how it feels to be shattered. So she promised herself that she would never let anyone else she knew, feel like they weren’t good enough. Or feel like they didn’t matter. Even when she herself believed she didn’t matter.

It’s kind of ironic though isnt it? How the people who have been hurt the most, the ones we expect to be weak….are actually the people most capable of loving, healing, and nurturing everyone else.

Theres something about the energy people like her give off. It’s like everyone around her could feel her goodness and knew that she was approachable. People came to her for advice, called her just to cry, listened to her wisdom…

And even when she couldn’t figure out for the life of her how to help or save herself, she sure as hell could help others in that same darkness.

And she did.
May 27 · 192
Swap with the moon
Yea it's been pretty lonely around here lately.
Between my bed
and the moon
and the dim ligh
t it shines into the kitchen
at 3 am.

It's funny because
I'm surrounded by silence
but my mind
can't seem to stop screaming.
I'm just left here with  myself.

All I can think about
is how much I'd love
to switch places with the moon tonight.
So yes,
She's known sadness

Maybe you couldn't tell just from looking at her
But shes been hurt
Far too many times before.

That's why she is so kind.

She knows how it feels to be shattered
And she made a promise to herself

A promise that she would never let anyone else she cared about
Feel like they aren't good enough
Or that they don't matter.

It's kind of ironic
How the people who have been hurt the most
The people we expect to be weak
Are actually the people most capable
Of loving, healing, and nurturing
Everyone else.
To be honest with you...

I'm terrified

That when you said no one would ever love me again,

You were right...
Stay away from the boys
Dont give them your heart
Until they are old enough
And mature enough to handle it.

And dont chase them either,
Ever.
Let them chase you.

Don't let any boy,
Actually dont let anyone in general
Including yourself
Make you feel like you don't matter.
Or that you're not good enough.

You are everything to so many people.
And this world wouldn't be the same without you here.

Find something you're good at and keep doing it.

Write.

Write when you're happy.

Write when you're sad.

Write down your dream last night.

Write about love.

Write about heartbreak.

It's not always easy to talk about what you're going through and how you're feeling, so you end up fighting your battles alone.

But writing it down even just for you to hear it will help you.

Getting the thoughts out of your mind and onto paper will give you space to breathe again.

Take a deep breath. Just breathe. Nothing bad lasts forever. Good and bad trade places in life constantly and this will never change.

Keep breathing anyways.

Be kind to everyone even when it's hard to.
Even when It hurts to.

Remember that everyone you meet has a story.
Remember how you wished that the **** who made fun of you knew what you were going through.
So maybe he would stop.

Remember that when you think it's a good idea to do it back to him or anyone else.

Listen to your mom.
She's always right.
I learned this the hard way.

Theres no such thing as having too many friends.
But don't give pieces of yourself to people who don't understand how to complete you the same way you do them.

People are going to change.
And people are going to leave.

There will be days you wish you could change yourself.
And days scissors don't remind you of paper,
But your own skin.

Don't test it.
Please.

There will be nights you think you won't survive.

And days you wish would never end.

You're going to hurt.

You're going to cry.

You're going to laugh.

You're going to grow.


Nothing and no one will ever be perfect.

But there is still so much good out there to see.
And feel.
And know.

If there's one thing I can teach you let it be this....

I'm not so worried about the mark on your math test.
Or that you skipped class yesterday.
I care that you are happy.
That your mind is healthy.

I care about you being right here.
Right now.

No matter what you're going through
And how impossible it may feel for things to get better.
I promise they always do. ALWAYS.

I know this because I've been where you are and I'm still here to tell you this.

If you wake up in the morning and you are still breathing,
You are doing something right.
Keep doing it.

I'm proud of you.

You are going to make it.
You are going to to be okay.
You will find your happiness.
And your crowd.
And your success.

Just make sure you keep on waking up, and getting yourself out of that bed.❤

This world needs you.
-c.m.
Everything I needed to hear when I was younger but never did.
I made it in today

Kind of...

Maybe I should say I made it out of bed today

And I'm here...



I can't really recall how I got here

All I can tell you is my bad day playlist was on repeat

The whole car ride here


I stopped a few times.

Once for coffee.

A couple for red lights.

And then in the parking lot.

To take some deep breaths.


I thought I was ready today.

I did all I could to make sure I was prepared.

But as soon as I pulled in all I wanted to do was turn around.


Most days, I love my job

Most days

I make it there on time, and there is no struggle


But today was different.

I couldn't give it my all today.

I knew that the second I walked through those doors

They would need me


And the truth is today,

I really needed someone to be there for me.


So I didn't make it.

I had to give up today.

And maybe that's okay.


Because maybe, for me to help them

Sometimes I need to to help myself first


Maybe today, it was okay to put myself first.

Maybe...

I should do that more often.
Apr 26 · 74
Better Off Without You
I can feel your absence today
I feel it in my hands you use to hold so tight
I feel it in my body, when you pulled me in at night.

I catch myself day dreaming
A life without your presence somewhere near
The scariest thing is I can't imagine my life, without you here.

I find myself still worrying.
Worrying that you'll find someone new.
Worrying you will forget about me too.

I search for you in my morning coffee.
But it doesn't taste the same since you've gone away.
Everything has become so bitter, sometimes I wish I had stayed.

I notice when I walk away it is only the good things I remember.
Those memories were far and few between.
Funny how once you lose someone, it's only good you see.

I try to force myself to remember
The nights you left me alone in my room crying on my bedroom floor.
The night you broke my car window, I thought we were over for sure.

So many times I took you back
Thinking I couldn't be me if I didn't have you
I've begun to realize missing you is part of the process
But I am actually so much better off, without you.
Apr 17 · 519
And I wonder
Have you ever wondered what it takes to leave your mark on this world

Wondered how many times you cross someone elses mind in a day.

How many people have walked away after meeting you, with a smile.

Do you sometimes wonder how often people think of you and what it is they remember?

Was it that time you hurt them so bad they can't erase it,

Or a moment of heartache that you helped pull them out of?

Do you wonder if you were in someones dream last night?

Was it a good one? Did you haunt them?

Or if something you said to someone mattered,
enough for them to keep going, to hold on for one more day.

I lay awake in bed and I wonder

I wonder if my life has mattered enough

To be remembered

To make a difference

To leave my mark.

I'll always wonder...

And I wish that we shared these things with each other.
Apr 16 · 90
Picking up the pieces
I believe that some people come into our lives strictly to teach us a lesson.

The biggest lesson I ever learned was from every single person who broke me and walked away.

I learned how to pick up all of my broken pieces
And somehow put them back together again,
On my own.

They may never fit back quite the same.

But you all taught me,

I don't need anyone else to fix me.

I am strong enough to fix myself.

And to survive even when I feel like I'm dying.

Everytime you tore me down

I came back with a fire burning even brighter inside of me.

I dare you to try and break this puzzle again.

Those pieces are unbreakable thanks to you.
Apr 16 · 108
The mess you made
I swear to God it was supposed to be you
That's why this hurts so much
I feel like my whole world was flipped inside out

I only ever planned for it to be me and you in the end.
I planned to take your last name.
And share your child
And your kisses
And your love
Forever

I didnt plan for this and my God it hurts so **** bad
I didn't know I was capable of feeling this broken

You ruined it
You ruined us

With your lies
With your anger
With your aggression

Now what am I suppose to do?

You were supposed to be my future.

In losing you I've lost myself too.

How do I find my way back to me again?

I'm not sure I ever really knew who i was in the first place.

Is this where i finally figure out who I am?

Did all of this happen

So i could understand what love ISN'T

so the next time it comes along

I know exactly what not to go for

So that I know that I can still be worthy of living

Even without a man's love

Were you just brought into my life

To teach me a lesson

Because my God I've learned

Oh how I've learned.

Maybe I needed to meet you to figure out who I really am, what I really want and most importantly, what I truly deserve.
Just incase no one told you today:

•you are loved
•your thoughts matter
•you matter
•you are brave
•you are smart
•you are beautiful
•you are capable
•you can do this
•it does get better
•it's okay to cry
•you'll make it out of this
•the sun will shine again

And most importantly

•you matter, you matter and this world needs you and don't ever let anyone or anything make you believe otherwise.
I hope that you read this in time

Before your head gets the best of you

And you give in to the voices telling you that you aren't good enough


I hope you see this and remember

That darkness, while all consuming, can't last forever

And that hopelessness eventually turns into hope if you hold on long enough


I hope you know this every time you look in the mirror

That you were born a fighter and God wouldn't throw you anything you can't handle.

And you need to tell yourself this,

Every day,

Even on days you don't want to believe it.


I hope you see that there is so much more to live for

That puppies and babies will make you smile no matter how bad

you feel, so go visit one, or watch some videos, this will help you.

And one bad day, bad week, bad month, bad year is NOT worth

taking your life.


I NEED you to know that things get better

That this is coming from a person who has been where YOU are.

And that I tried giving up when I felt the way you do, and I failed


I NEED you to know how happy I am, that I failed

That my life turned around, and I learned how to fall in love with life again

And no, it wasn't easy

But I NEED YOU TO KNOW

To keep living,

To keep fighting,

To keep surviving,

It is SO worth it


And I need you to read this the next time you feel like it isn't

And then I need you to read it again.

Call a friend, or message me.

Just please keep living,

You are worthy of the love, and happiness, and laughter that life is going to bring you.

You are worthy of living.
A letter to you... <3
P.s.
I hope you're happy.

Today,
            or tomorrow,
                                    most days
or even just some.

I hope you feel happy always
but I know life can be cruel.

So on days that you don't,  

I hope you feel loved.

I hope you know you're loved.

I hope you remember the things
That make you happy.

And remind yourself how much you are loved on days you are not.

But if you can't be happy,

And if you can't remember when you were.

Please know I'm right there with you.

You'll never be alone.

And don't you ever forget

Even whe  you don't feel happy

Know you are loved.

You are loved.

You are loved. <3
Why do I break everything I touch?
It's almost as if my fingers are razor blades  

But that's not even the worst part.
The worst part is the words that come out of my mouth
After my heart feels like it's been torn into shreds by your blades.

And baby even that, that's not even the worst part.
The worst part is I cant even tell
If my thoughts are real
If my feelings are rational

Baby please help me because sometimes I get lost in my own mind

Theres demons that live up there and they take over sometimes.

It's hard for me to know,
To tell the difference

Between a feeling that deserves to be felt
And a feeling that shouldn't really be there.

I've spent the better part of my life being told that what I feel isnt real.

I've spent the last 4 years questioning myself,
And quite frankly my whole life.

Desperately trying to figure out
Whether I deserve to feel this way

Or somehow I've asked for this.

Did I create this darkness myself?

Does my mind somehow convince me that everything and everyone
In this world
Is only going to hurt me?

Is it my fault if it does?

I wish I had the wisdom
And the rational

Between reality
And insanity

Baby please believe me when I tell you

"I didnt ask to be this way ! I want a way out I want an escape. I don't want to feel this way tonight, tomorrow, or ever again!"

I've tried to explain
Theres no quick fix to this.

Theres trauma.
There's questions unanswered.
Memories blocked out to help
Avoid the pain.

But a person can only handle this constant
"I hate you."
"I love you."
"Don't leave me."

For so long
Before they crack too.

Have I weighed you down too
With this awful demon.
While trying to fight off my own?
Can anyone on here understand this mess I just wrote? This disorder makes me feel so alone
Jan 2 · 2.6k
My first attempt
On Christmas Eve I was talking to my brother

It was 2:30 in the morning

We had both been drinking.

I read him one of my poems.

That one about surviving myself.

It sparked a conversation.

The tough kind.

About suicide.

I told him I truly believed most people

Dont WANT to die

They just want the pain to stop

I told him it was a cry for help.

He told me my first attempt was not.

He said with tears rolling down his cheeks

"You were done that night."

With tears now streaming down my cheeks I replied

"I can't talk about this. Not tonight."

"I know." He cried

"Did you ever get help after that night? After seeing me like that? Did you talk to someone?"

"I couldnt talk about it. It was too hard."

At this point we're both bawling.

I wrapped my arms around him.

I apologized.

See that's the thing about attempting suicide and surviving.

If you're lucky enough

To survive

You have to witness the pain everyone around you feels.

Because of you.

I never use to think it was selfish.

Not until Christmas Eve.

I broke my brother.

6 years ago.

And he's still haunted.
Trigger warning.
-word for word conversation with my brother this Christmas eve. This was not written to offend anyone. But rather to hopefully open the eyes of those considering attempting. It doesn't stop the pain, it truly does just pass it on to the people who love you most. Stay strong, hold on.
Jan 1 · 154
Born to be broken
And if I'm being honest

Most days I wonder

If I was only put on this earth

to be broken.

Over...

                        And over...

                                              And over....

Again.
Jan 1 · 148
January 1, 2019
3:27 a.m

We've barely even touched this new year.

We certainly didn't touch it together.

You always knew I was the thunder and lightning,

Not the calming before the storm.

You knew this,

and you said you loved me anyways.

But tonight a new year began,

and I couldn't find you anywhere.

Because my storm came crashing down today,

at a time when your sun was rising.

And this was too much for you.

It poured rain all night, literally.

But the real storm hit when I got home.

Crawled into bed and for the first time in years

Your arms weren't around me.

And this

This is the LAST time you break me

The last year I spend praying you and I will be enough

The last time I run back to you thinking you're the only one who can love me the way I deserve.

I deserved you here, tonight.

You were gone.

They say with love comes compromise and understanding.

But to you I was the enemy.

Nothing to understand , its just who I am.

You knew me better than anyone.

The only person on this planet who can break me down in seconds.

You know all of my triggers and yet you use them against me

instead of trying to build me up.

I'm tired of being shamed for who I am

when you know every part of me and claim you still love me.

Then come back with, "but why do you do this.?"

As if you have no idea.

But this is the last time.

I'll love myself this year.

In all the ways you couldn't.

I'll love myself for me this time.

-i have you to thank for that
I woke up this morning and it wasn't a bad dream. He wasn't here.
Dec 2018 · 747
How I Survived Myself
There wasn't any pivotal moment

No explicit epiphany one morning that changed things for me

It took me years

Years of dark lonely nights,

Saying to myself " I'll wait one more day, maybe tomorrow it will get better."

Just to see if things would change

I did this over and over again

For years

Usually i won the battle against myself

But a few times I failed

And I tried to let go

3 times I survived.

3 times in 3 years

The last time I had those horrific thoughts

I thought to myself

I survived myself 3 times

I shouldn't even be here today

But here I am

Still alive

Still breathing

And instead of convincing myself I wasn't worth it

The way I had so many times before

I screamed to myself

"I HAVE TO BE WORTH IT. I HAVE TO BE HERE RIGHT NOW FOR A REASON!"

I put the bottle down that night

I cried myself to sleep

In the morning I thanked God I was still here

I started focusing on the little moments

Like my best friend telling me how much she loves me

My mom thanking me for listening to her worries.

My brother calling to ask for advice about what to get mom for Christmas.

One of my students asking me if I was going to be around until they graduate

Because they dont want me to leave them.

The conversation I had with the server every morning at the coffee shop.

And it was when I started noticing and appreciating those little, positive moments in my life

That things began to turn around

It was all those little bits of human connection, interaction

That is how I survived.

As humans, we live and breathe for human connection

We need to feel valued and we need to feel understood

To any of you still stuck in that darkness,

Connection is the answer.

And to any of you who may know someone in that place

Send them a message.

Tell them you love them.

Smile at a stranger.

Walk to quiet girl from your drama class to her next class.

Compliment the bully on their new shoes.

Help the old lady across the street carry her groceries inside.

We all have a story.

Throw kindness out there even to the people who don't deserve it.

They need it the most.

We need to connect with each other.

Love is all around us.

Connections are everywhere.

Let's survive this world together.

Let's save some lives.
If you read this poem, and you feel stuck in your own darkness, please inbox me. Let's chat. Let's make connections and together we can start to end the darkness.

Please share any stories of positivity or acts of kindness that have changed things for you or someone you know. Let's connect !!
"I haven't been myself lately."

And when I say that I mean

I've been spending Friday nights alone in my room chugging a 2L bottle of wine,
instead of hanging out with my best friend.
Because as much as I can't stand to be alone
My head is screaming at me that I deserve to be.

I mean that I can't wake up for work in the morning because I spent all night
worrying about everything that's going to go wrong,
And decided it wasn't worth it.


I mean that I haven't seen the sun in days all I see is darkness and Mom I don't know how to find the light again.


I mean I can't remember what it feels like to want to WANT to be alive.
But I can tell you all of the reasons I think I should just die.

I mean I lost my motivation to care about myself and maybe the voice in my head is lying,
But I feel like no one really cares anyways and why would they care?

I mean on Saturday night I sat in my bed for hours rocking back and forth,
crying uncontrollably with a bottle of pills in my hands
And I almost did it.
But I thought of you.

I mean that when I woke up in the morning I woke up with regret because I had the chance to end it that night
But I'm still here and I can't live with this pain any longer.

I mean that everything is still the same except I feel like i don't know who I am anymore
And I'm scared mom.
I'm terrified.

I mean that I am scared to live mom but I'm also terrified to die.

So when I tell you I haven't felt like myself lately

I really mean I need help mom.

I need it soon.

But I'm too afraid to ask you.

I'm too afraid that you're going to worry so much that you too will end up in this darkness
And it will be my fault.

I'm too afraid you'll roll your eyes and say "things aren't as bad as they seem sweetie. They will get better."

Because I know on paper everything looks fine.

But if you stepped inside my mind for just a minute you'd come back screaming "THINGS WILL GET BETTER BUT HOW DO I GET THERE?"

I'm afraid you won't believe me and I'm afraid you won't understand because mom I don't even understand.

And I'm sorry, that this is your child.

I'm sorry I can't control this and I'm sorry I have to put you through this again.

I just haven't been myself lately mom.

I hope now you understand.
Nov 2018 · 146
I hate you, I love you
And its funny you know...

How when I was with you,
I could only count a thousand reasons

Why I shouldn't love you.

And it's sad you know...

How now that you're gone
I can only see all of the reasons

Why I should...
Nov 2018 · 123
Empty
More than anything else,
I just feel so empty.

I don't even know how to explain it.

It feels like I've been reliving the same day over and over again.

Nothing's changing.

Everything's the same.


The only way I can think of describing it is

Imagine living everyday,
every second of your life
with that sudden sinking feeling
in your stomach

because something just went horribly wrong.

When the same feelings come
and go everyday,

when that sinking feeling never disappears,

it's almost as if you cant feel anything

at all anymore.

It's almost as if you're completely empty...
Nov 2018 · 143
To stay 5 forever
Today I was talking
to my friends 5 year old daughter
on the phone.

And she was telling me that
she turns 6 in a few months.

She went on to explain that
she doesn't want to be 6 years old.
So I asked her why....
she said
"I just don't wanna grow up I wanna be a kid, I wanna be 5 years old forever."

And I couldn't believe that at 5 years old she's already doing life right.
She already knows that 6 years old is harder than 5 years old and God ****** she just wants to stay 5.

She knows growing up ***** and she wants no part of it.
She just wants to stay 5 forever.

And I just thought... "wow... same here."
Nov 2018 · 137
You are the dandelion
The fact of the matter is
You don't know me yet
But you should be so lucky
If you ever even get the chance

I will not chase dandelions anymore
When he turned me into a rose and helped me bloom

I will not die at the very moment you
Forgot to water my flowers this morning
I'll water them myself

I, like a white rose in an empty field
Know my worth,
My innocence taken away long ago but
I have found it again.

I won't be your crimson rose.
I wont be mourning the attention you never gave me

I won't forget my beauty
Just because today you decided to.

I am worth it today.

And if you can't see that
If I have to convince you of that

Then you are the dandelion
And I will watch you fly away.
Nov 2018 · 444
An Overdose of Lonely
It's true what they say
You know?

Loneliness is one hell of a drug.

A drug I've overdosed on far too many nights.

It doesn't **** you though,
No it can't physically
Make your heart stop beating.

But feel too much of it,
And you'll wish that it did.
Nov 2018 · 185
Save me from myself
I can't tell you exactly how it started

But I could feel it coming

All the signs were there.

Happiness came in short fleeting moments.

They didn't last very long.

The darkness was slowly ******* me back in

The racing thoughts clawing there way back into my head

It feels like a black hole

The numbness is taking over my body and I don't know how to make it stop

I know when I start to feel this way I'm suppose to ask for help

But how do you ask for help with something no one else can see

No one else can feel it, no one else can understand.

I tried to tell them I was sick

I tried explaining how when this happens I feel like I'm a ghost walking through a nightmare

And I don't know how to wake up from this one.

Someone please wake me up

It's getting bad again

It hasnt felt this bad in so long

I thought I had beat this

But once again the darkness beat me.

I'm sorry that this is who i am.

Please someone just save me

Save me From myself.
Sep 2018 · 255
Butterfly
She reminded me of a butterfly.
With wings so delicate
No one could see


One wrong thing said
Would send her in a chaotic decent.

One right thing spoken
Would set her soaring free.

The only difference is butterflies fly and fall with so much grace.

-she never quite mastered that.

-c.m.
Sep 2018 · 2.0k
Empaths
I'm probably going to
Annoy you, and

You're probably going
To read my text message
That is way too long

And write me off
As a girl who

Talks too much.
Cares too much
Thinks too much.

I'm probably not
Your type
Because girls like
Me,

Believe people should have
Hearts like mine.

But being an empath is hard.

People are afraid
To be broken.

They pretend they are hard
And push away those
Who are soft,

To protect themselves
From everything they are
Running from.

Dont stop being soft.

Soft hearts will change
The world.

Your heart is beautiful.
You are beautiful.

Wait for the one
Who sees you
For all that you are.
Sep 2018 · 194
Silenced
I listen to everyone.

But no one every listens to me.

I go unheard.

I'm silenced.

I'm told not to speak about things that matter.

I'm too real for them.

No one wants to hear me.

I listen to everyone.

But nobody ever listens to me.

I just want to be heard.
Sep 2018 · 172
September 18th, 2017
And we never saw
The light once
These past 2 years

And we tried to
water each others flowers
Daily, but it was never
Enough.

We tried to soak up
The sun whenever we could

But most days there
Were storm clouds
Lingering over us

It rained too much
This past year, baby.

They say....
They say, sunshine
Is good for your skin
But also your soul

Our souls just couldnt
Shine together anymore.
I was just searching
for a home.

When I realized you
couldnt be my home
Anymore,

I got lost.

So here I lay,
Not only homeless,
But hopeless.

I lost the only
Home I'll ever have.

Maybe some of us
Were meant to be
Lost.
Sep 2018 · 266
I almost had you
You held me
In your arms tonight
And my body melted into yours

Your embrace was warm
And inviting
And everything I needed

-and then you let me go, and I lost it all
Sep 2018 · 1.2k
He's Not Worth Your Tears
You'll meet him
some day,

The man who fills you up
just barely enough
to make you believe
you're worthy of love.

Maybe


Even his love.

But he will *****
You with his thorn
Covered lips
As he goes down
Between your legs
Instead of planting
a rose garden
in your heart.

He will take
Every rose
Yiu should have
Been blooming
And forget to water them

He will slowly watch
as your petals begin to crack
And fall off.
Wither away.

And when he's finally
done with you,
When hes finally
satisfied from the everything
you've given him,

He won't text you,
He won't give you
the time of day.
He will leave you
feeling more empty
Than being alone
ever could.

He will be your lesson.
You teach the men
In your life
How you deserve
to be treated.
Don't you ever let any man

Especially,

THAT kind of man
Make you believe
you are not good enough.

You are everything,
It was he
Who was not complete
Not worthy or ready
To love you
The way you deserve.
A lesson on one night stands. Men will say just enough to make you believe they are into you, until they get what they want, and have their way. And then they drop you. Most of us will experience at least one man like this. Don't let him break you.
Sep 2018 · 157
Things Change Baby
My heart is different now.
For years I was so sure that you were my destiny.
That somehow, some way, we would always find our way back to each other.
Our love was real baby.
It was exciting, and hopeful.
But it was crazy, and jealous.
We fell fast and hard.
My hurricanes collided with your volcanoes.
At first it I thought that's what made us who we were.
And that that's what love was suppose to be.
An uphill battle.
A war you fight through.
But eventually your eruptions and my hurricanes wore both of us down so low that there was no climbing out of it.
I began to realize our love was nothing more than a natural disaster.
We come from two different worlds.
I came to teach you how to put out your flames when they get too hot.
You came to teach me how to hold on through my hurricanes.
We were each others life lessons.

- that's all we were meant to be
I never asked you
for anything.
But you use to give it
all to me.

I did use to have
expectations.
However,
those quickly faded
with age.
As I realized
most of my "friends"
had no idea how to be one.

Actually,
I never realized this.
I just started to believe
that this is what friendship is.
Distance,
Bailed plans,
Missed phone calls,
A Text once a week,
asking me how I'm doing.

For over a year now
this has been the game
between all of my friends.
And so,
I actually forgot
what having a real friend meant.
I forgot,
that I was allowed to have expectations
for people I care about,
And CLAIM
to care about me.
I forgot,
my feelings mattered.
I forgot,
I was allowed to care.
I  stopped
asking you for anything at all
because I knew it would end up
in disappointment.

And I was right...

I realize now,
After making some new
genuine friends.
How valid my feelings
of resentment
and hurt
actually are.

Real friends
are there for you.
Not once a week
through a text.
Real friends
follow through on plans.
They make compromises.
They make an effort.
Real friends
will wipe away your tears.

Friendship
is about give and take.
All you did was take.
And now for you,
I have nothing left to give.
The parts of me
left to give
have been given
to my new friends.
My true friends.

I never asked you
for anything.

You were just suppose to be there...

But you're gone.

And I don't know
which one of us loses.
Maybe it's both of us.

But,
Either way,
I expect nothing from you
anymore.

I have learned,

My God have I ever learned...
Aug 2018 · 136
A Lot Can Change In a Year
A lot can change in a year....
In one year
I went from being broke,
unemployed,
in a relationship,
depressed,
heartbroken,
barely able to function,
questioning if my life
was even worth living...

To finding a career that made me feel like I was finally good at something.
Making more money than I ever knew what to do with.
Breaking up with the boy I thought I was going to marry,
who I thought I would die without.
Finding my way back to happiness and contentment.
Mending my own heart,
without finding someone else to fix me.
And figuring out my purpose in this world.

I went from having a big group of friends,
to having almost none at all.
I went from hell to heaven,
and back around again
a hundred times or more.
I went from depending on everyone else for my happiness and self worth.
To depending on no one,
and discovering my worth based on the way I love and treat myself.
I went from never living away from home or doing anything on my own,
To moving to a new town,
new place,
alone,
and having the summer of a lifetime.

A lot can change in a year.
And looking back now,
Even though discovering myself was something I needed to do,
it has been one truly lonely year.

I think that's the part that ***** so much about growing up.
You start to realize what really matters,
who really cares,
and what never
and who never did...

It's both uplifting and completely infuriating.

This year was about finding myself.
Fixing myself.
Proving to myself,
That I deserve to live
Even if no one else loves me the way I deserve.

Next year will be about finding new people.
The good kind, you know?
The genuine
The kind
The loving
The fun
The real.
Next year is about letting new people in.

I have hope now.
Everything changed for me this year.
I finally believe in myself.
Next year everything else will fall into place.
Aug 2018 · 123
I am unseen
It's almost as if I'm invisible.
Maybe there is something I am missing.
Something,
I can't see.
Maybe I have a sign on my back that only I can't see that says
"Do not approach"
Or maybe,
They all see me now the way I've always seen myself.
Worthless.
Broken.
Sad.
Unlovable.
That's just it.
I am unlovable.
I don't love myself.
So why would anyone else?
Aug 2018 · 12.5k
Will You Ever Heal, Mom?
Mom, can you hear me?
Its 5:00 p.m and I came for dinner, it's no test.
Please pace yourself tonight
You've had 3 drinks already, tonight please for me, give it a rest.

Mom, I need to tell you about my day
Okay this is drink number 4, and dinner is served.
Mom I got a promotion at work today
I can't believe it!
"Honey can you pass the wine please?" She says to dad
Conversation swerved

Mom how have you been doing?
She tells me the same story she told me yesterday when I asked.
Dinner is cleared, time for dessert.
Of course, dessert is just another glass.

Mom you look beautiful tonight,
Oh wait your make up is all smudged up.
"Please fix it for me baby".
Shes too shaky, but not for another cup.

Mom I miss our girls days
Getting our nails done and going for lunch
"I would love to grab some mimosas tomorrow,
How about we go for brunch?"

Mom I'm too sleepy for brunch, how about we go to dinner?
The restaurant down the road is brand new
I hear it's a winner

Mom why dont you want to try it?
"I can't go to dinner without my wine"
We picked a new restaurant
All was far from fine.

Mom please dont yell at the waitress
"HEY OVER HERE WE NEED SOME ICE!!"
I knew this was a bad idea.
When shes drinking she isnt always nice.

Mom that was super rude.
You cant speak to people that way.
If you were sober it never would have happened.
You're more careful with what you say.

Mom please don't be mad at me,
I was only trying to help
"All you ever so is pick on me," she cries
"I need to leave here, I'm out."

Mom it's you whose breaking me
And I cant keep watching you fall
You have proven alcohol is more important.
I guess I dont matter after all.
Aug 2018 · 3.6k
Mom, are you in there?
Why can't any of you
Seem to understand
How heart wrenching it is to see my mother
with another drink in her hand

She picks up that bottle
night after night,
And drinks until her thoughts
are completely out of sight.

Mom cant you see,
that My heart breaks
Everytime I have to watch you finish your drink
And I notice your hands start to shake

You lift your final glass,
up to your lips
And I help you up the stairs,
please mom, please
this time just dont slip

You use to be my best friend
No matter what time of day
Now if it's after 8pm
Your memory has already been taken away

Our conversations have turned into arguments
As you can't see that when you drink you have a different side.
I try to brush most things off
but it's not fair to me, that my feelings are always denied.

The next morning you are sober,
most times with your slate wiped clean
It is me who is left with confusion and anger,
but all of them just call me mean.

Is it really mean,
that I hate seeing you act this way?
I dont enjoy watching you repeat the same mistakes,
again and again.

They contine to defend you,
You feel enabled, they make you feel better.
Here I am, trying to open your eyes
I wanna help you get it back together.

Mom, you have been taken over by *****'s warm darkness,
you run to your liquid fire to find light.
I watch you drown further into it's black whole,
that will never make things right.

I want my mommy back,
I really need you here.
I cant see you fall down one more time,
I cant see you shed another suppressed tear.

Alcohol stole you from me mom,
But knowing your heartbreak broke my own heart.
I want my ******* mommy back
Its tearing our family apart.
Yesterday you told me that you were feeling empty.
And I told you everything I had done in order to fill that empty void.
Because I too, had felt it.
And dont get me wrong...
Its not all the time or as much as it use to be.
Some days I miss the whole feeling of someone seeing the world in me,
you know?
And I wonder if I'll ever find it again,
Or if my he was the only person who will ever see me that way?
Being out here on my own has been both amazing and utterly lonely at the same time.
A lot of times at night,
The guys trickle off to their girls.
And the girls have their other girl friends they go to see.
And then theres me...
alone in my room staring at the ceiling.
Nights like tonight.
It's like I'm feeling so much inside that I cant feel anything at all.
Just this emptiness and an empty bed and an empty house.
Loneliness might be the worst part.
It might be one of the hardest emotions to fathom.
Sadness, and anger, they fade over time.
But the loneliness,  
the knowing that life might be this way forever,
its unbearable.
It doesnt feel temporary when it hits. It feels like it's something that was there all along but hiding in the shadows of daylight.
The light helps your mind play tricks on you during they day, to help you get through.
But at night the darkness, the empty room...
its inevitable,
theres no hiding
and theres no escape.
Except the ceiling,
and the music
to drown out the voices
that you've done it to yourself
and you deserve it.
And it's not poetic or inspiring.
It's a debilitating feeling
that you're not worthy or good enough to deserve the love and affection everyone else seems to find.
To be lonely,
you must first believe
you deserve to be alone.
I guess that is my problem,
Not only do I believe it,
I can't blame anyone else for no it.
For even I,
Would avoid myself if given the choice.
It's no wonder,
They all did too.
Jul 2018 · 18.7k
You Survived Yourself
I read a quote somewhere that said,
"I don't know how many times I have survived myself, without telling anyone else."

And I felt those words shoot through every nerve in my body. I felt them so deeply.

And I wonder how many of us feel the same way.

How many nights we fought off the suicidal thoughts, the urge to cut, the urge to purge, the urge to run or to hide out, alone, too afraid to worry or bother our friends and family.

How many days and nights have we all suffered in our own darkness alone?

People like us fight a battle no one can ever fathom because it's a battle no one can see. And we don't let them.

I've fought myself and survived myself alone so many nights.

There were nights I use to lose my own battle. But some how still came out alive.

I guess that's how we keep going. Because every time we give up we come out stronger.

You fight yourself and beat yourself up for so long that eventually you become a master of surviving a war.

We're warriors.

"I don't know how many times I've survived myself, without telling anyone else."

Tonight, I'm telling all of you.

I survived myself.

And if you're still here and you're reading this, you survived yourself too.

It's not easy but you did it.

And I'm so proud of you all.
The original quote "I dont know how many times I survived myself, without telling anyone else.", which triggered the whole poem was written by @deadwatered. A talented poet I follow on tumblr.
Jul 2018 · 169
Outside Looking In
I heard their voices
The laughter, all of the chatter
And I couldn't help but imagine
What it would feel like to be one of them,
What it would feel like to really matter.

I saw them wander,
In and out of the house, day and night.
Sun rise through sunset,
I hoped one day I would get the invite.

I felt the strength of their friendships
The circle they had built, I had no way in.
This isn't what I expected.
But I guess this is roommate living.

The last one to arrive
Comfort has been established for so long.
How could I expect them to change for me?
When they already just belong.

I strive to be like one of them.
The social butterfly everyone adores.
But here I am in a new city,
Still the same old me, still a bore.

Maybe some day things will change for me.
One day maybe they'll give me a chance too.
Still, I didnt think it was too much ask.
For someone to say hi I'm __, it's really nice to meet you too.

Could anyone relate to me?
Could anyone assure me the first week is always hard?
Could anyone offer to be my friend, and help me out?
Clearly I expected too much, no one cares enough to go that far.
May 2018 · 115
Always have, always will
I'm probably going to wake up in the morning,
and hate myself.
When I reach over
To your side of the bed
and realize you're not there.

I'm probably going to cry myself to sleep tonight,
because last night,
You held me in your arms.
But tonight,
you're gone.
And I know,
each time I see you
It could be the last time.

I'm probably going to bite my tongue,
when we talk on the phone tomorrow.
And you tell me,
I'm still so beautiful.
And every bone in my body,
Will get weak.
And all I will really want to say is,
"baby I'm still so in love with you"

I'm probably going to fly away for a month,
And escape this town.
In hope's of getting over you,
and come back home,
to find out it was you I was searching for all along.

I'm probably going to pick up that phone one last time,
And I'm going to call you.
And I'm going to apologize.
And I'm going to want it all back.

I'm going to tell you that leaving you,
was the worst decision I ever made.
And please just take me back one more time. I promise it will be different.

And you're probably going to tell me it's too late this time.

And my heart will shatter.

And nothing will ever be the same again.

And nothing will ever be okay again.

I probably forgot to tell you that not only do I love you, but I ******* need you so bad.
May 2018 · 158
Before It's Too Late
So tell me,
How did she get there ?
So lost in all that darkness.

            It lingered...

Tell me,
how was she suppose to rise above
When her fear had her trapped.

            It was a prison here for her...

Tell me,
How in the blink of an eye,
          
            A best friend....
            A daughter...
            A sister....

Got lost in the world alone.
And left without a goodbye.

             There was so much pain...

Tell me,
Why all good things end,
And the good hearts hurt the most.

              This wasn't suppose to be
              how it went...

Tell me,
WHY
God please tell me WHY?
She didn't deserve to die

                It just isn't fair...

Tell me,
What is my next step?
For this is something I'm not use to.

                She was too young...

Tell me,
There's a light on it's way for her.

                 She couldn't see the light...
                 Oh God where did she go?

Tell me,
That was all a bad dream.
For none of this I want to believe.

                  Please wake me up now...

Tell me,
She's coming home.
She's not really gone.

                   She can't be gone...

Tell me,
I'm crazy.
My eyes are just hazy.

                     It's just hard to see right now,
                     Right?
                     ....

Tell me,
That she's in heaven now.
A place with love and hope and light.

                     I hope it's always sunny there...

Tell me,
That she's okay over there.
She's not alone anymore.

                     She's safe now, she has to be...

If she can hear me,

Tell her,
I'm so sorry.
I would take it all back.

                     Just to see her smile
                    one more time...

It's too late now...

Tell her,
I miss her.

                       I miss you J...
May 2018 · 291
My dear, please remember
I need you to remember,
My dear,
That even when it feels like the whole world doesn't see you,
I do.
I always did.

When the the whole world turns their ears off and ignores you,
I still hear you.

When the whole world is smiling and dancing in the moonlight,
I feel your tears trickle down my cheeks.
I feel you.

When the whole world is sleeping peacefully and sound and you feel like you're all alone.
I'm awake with you.
I'm here with you,
I'm here for you.

When the whole world doesn't understand your heart of gold.
I'm holding it in my hands.
I won't let it go.

Even when the whole world has made you feel like you don't belong here anymore.
Like you're too much.
Or not enough.
You're everything to me.

You always have been.
You always will be.

Please stay right here darling,
Look up at the sun, the clouds, the moon, the stars.
I'm right here.

And you my love,
Are not alone.
May 2018 · 6.9k
To The Poets, I Need You
It takes a sad soul to be able to write poetry.

Someone who has been through hell.

It takes a person with so much emotion,

To be able to understand poetry.

For it to really reach them.

Poets write to feel.

Poets write to find people who understand.

And more than anything,

Poets write,

In Hope's that their words,

Will reach someone just like themselves.

Poets write to feel less alone.

And to let others know they aren't alone either.

I see all of you.

Right down to your hearts.

I wish I had the chance to know all of you.

Your beautiful souls.

Please don't ever stop writing.

I need you.

All of you. ♡
I'm over you
But sometimes
when I hear an old song on the radio
it still reminds me of you
and makes my heart ache.

I don't love you anymore
But when I drive past the spot
where you told me you loved me
for the first time,
I swear I feel the love all over again
my heart started to break.

I say I am finished missing you
But many nights I still lay awake
past 2, 3 am
with thoughts of you,
us,
still flashing through my mind.

I swear I'm not lonely,
being alone.
But seeing you with her,
suddenly makes me feel isolated and distant from the rest of the world.
My world is no longer aligned.

I want you to be happy,
I really do.
But I wish more than anything
I could have been the one making you smile.

Our relationship was short,
but sweet.

I fell fast
and I fell hard.

I loved,
and I hurt
and I laughed
and I cried.

But I never wished,
we would end with goodbye.

It's been over a year now,
And still things are the same.
I hope you're happier with out me.
You had so much to gain.

I'm sure I'll see you soon again
Our paths may cross from time to time
But I've finally accepted now,
That you will never again be mine.
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