These past couple of years I've learned a lot

I've learned that sunshine really does make you feel happier,

And seasonal depression is a real thing.

I've learned that singing in the car as loud as you can to your favourite song does count as self care.

And so does sleeping.

I've learned that eating healthy and working out doesnt cure depression

It can help you feel a bit better about yourself though.

I've learned that silence in a conversation speaks louder than a thousand words spoken

And you cant force people to stay in your life who dont wanna be there.

I've learned that laughter is so healing

And finding someone who can make you laugh while you're in tears is so important.

I've learned that everyone has a story and a past.

And everyone has been through something that has changed them for better or for worse, but we're in no position to judge each other for it.

I've learned that in life you need to accept not everyday will be good but there will always be something good in your day.

And some days you'll feel on top of the world while other days you'll feel crushed underneath it.

I've learned it's okay to be sad, to cry and to break down.

And that as hard as it is to believe this yourself, you still deserve to be happy no matter what your demons are or what your mind tells you.

I've learned that people always leave but the good ones stick around, and sometimes people come back around.

And that the only person who can make your life better is you, so it's time you, we, I all push ourselves a little more each day.

Most importantly though, I've learned that life is worth living, yours is too I promise this.

And I'm proud of myself and I'm proud of you, for still being here.

❤❤

1.   I love you unconditionally.
2. I’m scared you won't be enough or I will be too much for you
    some day.
3. I’m scared of losing you.
4. I’m scared of pushing you away.
5. I need you more than you need me, always.
6. You are my rock, without you I wouldn't be here today.
7. I’m sorry I held on too tight.
8. I tried so hard not to **** it up, but once again I did.
9. I'm so sorry.
10. You were my first true love, losing you meant losing me.
11.You were the one person who changed me.
12. I’ll never forget you.
13. I cherish all of my memories with you.
14. I don’t know who I am anymore.
15. It’s His kisses never tasted as sweet.
16. He doesn't understand me the way you always did.
17. I still see your face in my dreams.
18. I realize I made a mistake leaving you.
19. I 'm Sorry.
20. I never stopped loving you.
21. You deserved better than my confusion, I'll love you forever but
      you love her now.
22. I'm sorry I'm too late.

Stay away from the boys
Dont give them your heart
Until they are old enough
And mature enough to handle it.

And dont chase them either,
Ever.
Let them chase you.

Don't let any boy,
Actually dont let anyone in general
Including yourself
Make you feel like you don't matter.
Or that you're not good enough.

You are everything to so many people.
And this world wouldn't be the same without you here.

Find something you're good at and keep doing it.

Write.

Write when you're happy.

Write when you're sad.

Write down your dream last night.

Write about love.

Write about heartbreak.

It's not always easy to talk about what you're going through and how you're feeling, so you end up fighting your battles alone.

But writing it down even just for you to hear it will help you.

Getting the thoughts out of your mind and onto paper will give you space to breathe again.

Take a deep breath. Just breathe. Nothing bad lasts forever. Good and bad trade places in life constantly and this will never change.

Keep breathing anyways.

Be kind to everyone even when it's hard to.
Even when It hurts to.

Remember that everyone you meet has a story.
Remember how you wished that the **** who made fun of you knew what you were going through.
So maybe he would stop.

Remember that when you think it's a good idea to do it back to him or anyone else.

Listen to your mom.
She's always right.
I learned this the hard way.

Theres no such thing as having too many friends.
But don't give pieces of yourself to people who don't understand how to complete you the same way you do them.

People are going to change.
And people are going to leave.

There will be days you wish you could change yourself.
And days scissors don't remind you of paper,
But your own skin.

Don't test it.
Please.

There will be nights you think you won't survive.

And days you wish would never end.

You're going to hurt.

You're going to cry.

You're going to laugh.

You're going to grow.


Nothing and no one will ever be perfect.

But there is still so much good out there to see.
And feel.
And know.

If there's one thing I can teach you let it be this....

I'm not so worried about the mark on your math test.
Or that you skipped class yesterday.
I care that you are happy.
That your mind is healthy.

I care about you being right here.
Right now.

No matter what you're going through
And how impossible it may feel for things to get better.
I promise they always do. ALWAYS.

I know this because I've been where you are and I'm still here to tell you this.

If you wake up in the morning and you are still breathing,
You are doing something right.
Keep doing it.

I'm proud of you.

You are going to make it.
You are going to to be okay.
You will find your happiness.
And your crowd.
And your success.

Just make sure you keep on waking up, and getting yourself out of that bed.❤

This world needs you.
-c.m.

A lot can change in a year....
In one year
I went from being broke,
unemployed,
in a relationship,
depressed,
heartbroken,
barely able to function,
questioning if my life
was even worth living...

To finding a career that made me feel like I was finally good at something.
Making more money than I ever knew what to do with.
Breaking up with the boy I thought I was going to marry,
who I thought I would die without.
Finding my way back to happiness and contentment.
Mending my own heart,
without finding someone else to fix me.
And figuring out my purpose in this world.

I went from having a big group of friends,
to having almost none at all.
I went from hell to heaven,
and back around again
a hundred times or more.
I went from depending on everyone else for my happiness and self worth.
To depending on no one,
and discovering my worth based on the way I love and treat myself.
I went from never living away from home or doing anything on my own,
To moving to a new town,
new place,
alone,
and having the summer of a lifetime.

A lot can change in a year.
And looking back now,
Even though discovering myself was something I needed to do,
it has been one truly lonely year.

I think that's the part that ***** so much about growing up.
You start to realize what really matters,
who really cares,
and what never
and who never did...

It's both uplifting and completely infuriating.

This year was about finding myself.
Fixing myself.
Proving to myself,
That I deserve to live
Even if no one else loves me the way I deserve.

Next year will be about finding new people.
The good kind, you know?
The genuine
The kind
The loving
The fun
The real.
Next year is about letting new people in.

I have hope now.
Everything changed for me this year.
I finally believe in myself.
Next year everything else will fall into place.

I'm probably going to wake up in the morning,
and hate myself.
When I reach over
To your side of the bed
and realize you're not there.

I'm probably going to cry myself to sleep tonight,
because last night,
You held me in your arms.
But tonight,
you're gone.
And I know,
each time I see you
It could be the last time.

I'm probably going to bite my tongue,
when we talk on the phone tomorrow.
And you tell me,
I'm still so beautiful.
And every bone in my body,
Will get weak.
And all I will really want to say is,
"baby I'm still so in love with you"

I'm probably going to fly away for a month,
And escape this town.
In hope's of getting over you,
and come back home,
to find out it was you I was searching for all along.

I'm probably going to pick up that phone one last time,
And I'm going to call you.
And I'm going to apologize.
And I'm going to want it all back.

I'm going to tell you that leaving you,
was the worst decision I ever made.
And please just take me back one more time. I promise it will be different.

And you're probably going to tell me it's too late this time.

And my heart will shatter.

And nothing will ever be the same again.

And nothing will ever be okay again.

I probably forgot to tell you that not only do I love you, but I ******* need you so bad.

Have you ever wondered what it takes to leave your mark on this world

Wondered how many times you cross someone elses mind in a day.

How many people have walked away after meeting you, with a smile.

Do you sometimes wonder how often people think of you and what it is they remember?

Was it that time you hurt them so bad they can't erase it,

Or a moment of heartache that you helped pull them out of?

Do you wonder if you were in someones dream last night?

Was it a good one? Did you haunt them?

Or if something you said to someone mattered,
enough for them to keep going, to hold on for one more day.

I lay awake in bed and I wonder

I wonder if my life has mattered enough

To be remembered

To make a difference

To leave my mark.

I'll always wonder...

And I wish that we shared these things with each other.

I always thought that I would be broken forever. I couldn't imagine a version of myself that wasn't sad, or lonely or constantly running... from something.

Today, I realized that I've made it.

It's a Friday night,
And I'm spending it alone.

But for once, I don't feel lonely.

I feel at peace.

I feel proud.

I made it out of that darkness.

And now,

I'm here,

Beautifully, unbroken.

-C.M.

So tell me,
How did she get there ?
So lost in all that darkness.

            It lingered...

Tell me,
how was she suppose to rise above
When her fear had her trapped.

            It was a prison here for her...

Tell me,
How in the blink of an eye,
          
            A best friend....
            A daughter...
            A sister....

Got lost in the world alone.
And left without a goodbye.

             There was so much pain...

Tell me,
Why all good things end,
And the good hearts hurt the most.

              This wasn't suppose to be
              how it went...

Tell me,
WHY
God please tell me WHY?
She didn't deserve to die

                It just isn't fair...

Tell me,
What is my next step?
For this is something I'm not use to.

                She was too young...

Tell me,
There's a light on it's way for her.

                 She couldn't see the light...
                 Oh God where did she go?

Tell me,
That was all a bad dream.
For none of this I want to believe.

                  Please wake me up now...

Tell me,
She's coming home.
She's not really gone.

                   She can't be gone...

Tell me,
I'm crazy.
My eyes are just hazy.

                     It's just hard to see right now,
                     Right?
                     ....

Tell me,
That she's in heaven now.
A place with love and hope and light.

                     I hope it's always sunny there...

Tell me,
That she's okay over there.
She's not alone anymore.

                     She's safe now, she has to be...

If she can hear me,

Tell her,
I'm so sorry.
I would take it all back.

                     Just to see her smile
                    one more time...

It's too late now...

Tell her,
I miss her.

                       I miss you J...

I can feel your absence today
I feel it in my hands you use to hold so tight
I feel it in my body, when you pulled me in at night.

I catch myself day dreaming
A life without your presence somewhere near
The scariest thing is I can't imagine my life, without you here.

I find myself still worrying.
Worrying that you'll find someone new.
Worrying you will forget about me too.

I search for you in my morning coffee.
But it doesn't taste the same since you've gone away.
Everything has become so bitter, sometimes I wish I had stayed.

I notice when I walk away it is only the good things I remember.
Those memories were far and few between.
Funny how once you lose someone, it's only good you see.

I try to force myself to remember
The nights you left me alone in my room crying on my bedroom floor.
The night you broke my car window, I thought we were over for sure.

So many times I took you back
Thinking I couldn't be me if I didn't have you
I've begun to realize missing you is part of the process
But I am actually so much better off, without you.

I was just searching
for a home.

When I realized you
couldnt be my home
Anymore,

I got lost.

So here I lay,
Not only homeless,
But hopeless.

I lost the only
Home I'll ever have.

Maybe some of us
Were meant to be
Lost.

Last night my best friend's boyfriend broke up with her. As I was holding her in my arms while she sobbed, she asked me "Can you die from a broken heart?"


I told her no, you can't. But it might make you wish that you did. The thing about a broken heart is that you feel like you're life is ending. But it doesn't **** you . It just kills a part of you. And I think someday, weeks, months, even years from now, youre going to realize that losing that part of you, was actually a good thing.

I have always hated the night. Something about the quiet. Something to do with the darkness.        

Millions of people trickling off to their beds. Drifting into peaceful sleeps and sweet dreams.                      

I lay here wondering if anyone else finds this time the most painful.                                                         ­            

I dread my bed and the anchors they hold on me, pulling me deep into an ocean of alertness. An ocean of loneliness.

The night for me meant demons, It meant fear.And an anxiety so crippling that closing my eyes only made it worse.

Except, It wasn't so bad when I had you. Nights never were the same without you.

Once filled with hope and excitement for the morning.

Now filled with dread of living the same day over again.

I'm probably going to
Annoy you, and

You're probably going
To read my text message
That is way too long

And write me off
As a girl who

Talks too much.
Cares too much
Thinks too much.

I'm probably not
Your type
Because girls like
Me,

Believe people should have
Hearts like mine.

But being an empath is hard.

People are afraid
To be broken.

They pretend they are hard
And push away those
Who are soft,

To protect themselves
From everything they are
Running from.

Dont stop being soft.

Soft hearts will change
The world.

Your heart is beautiful.
You are beautiful.

Wait for the one
Who sees you
For all that you are.

Even when things are seemingly good,

I find myself gravitating towards sad songs,

yearning to discover a sense of connection...

I still find myself relating to sad quotes

and I still feel the tears burning behind my eyes.

I just wonder sometimes

if that deeply ingrained sadness, ever really goes away.

Do you ever truly get better

after experiencing so much trauma?

Or does it follow you everywhere you go,

lingering in the background waiting for it's moment

to take over again...

I can't tell you how many nights I wished my world would end.

I can't count how many times I thought about taking my own life with not even a letter to send.

I can't tell you that there's still a vacancy in my heart and an emptiness in my soul, where they took pieces of me I couldn't replace.

I can't tell you life was easy and the world is kind, because people can be cruel and it's not always such a great place.

I can't tell you that there were many years that I lost myself.

I can't tell you that when things got bad, I never asked for help.

I can't tell you even today, that I am fully healed.

I can't tell you that I'm not okay, my lips are sealed.

I can tell you that no matter how much I wished, my wishes never came true.

I can tell you that each time I tried to take my life, my body always fought through.

I can tell you that the vacancy is filled sometimes, and the empitness lingers in the quiet of my soul on the good days.

I can tell you that when people are kind, I always hope they'll stay.

I can tell you that after losing my mind, I somehow found my back.

I can tell you that although I'm not fully healed, I've made it through with just a few cracks.

I can tell you that I fake it as best I can without ever letting go.

I can tell you I am holding on, but it's getting harder and I know it shows.

And just like that I let him take a perfectly good day and ruin it for me.

I woke up today and the sun was shining.

The air was warm, the birds were singing.

I woke up saying to myself "today is going to be a good day"

And it was.

Until we made plans and you acted like you wanted to see me.

You pretended that you cared.

And then you stopped answering.

And you didnt open my message for the rest of the night.

You ignored me.

At first I tried to rationalize "hes just busy, he will reply when he can"

That worked when I was at work.

But then I got home.

4 hours passed by...

Then 5.....

6.....

Still no reply.

And suddenly my perfectly good day was destroyed.

I'm destroyed.

I wonder why I try with anyone anymore because I realize no ones really down for you the way you think they are.

The way they ACT like they are.

He was suppose to be the one who understood how I felt about these things.

If he cant understand me after all of this time,

No one ever will.

I'm over you
But sometimes
when I hear an old song on the radio
it still reminds me of you
and makes my heart ache.

I don't love you anymore
But when I drive past the spot
where you told me you loved me
for the first time,
I swear I feel the love all over again
my heart started to break.

I say I am finished missing you
But many nights I still lay awake
past 2, 3 am
with thoughts of you,
us,
still flashing through my mind.

I swear I'm not lonely,
being alone.
But seeing you with her,
suddenly makes me feel isolated and distant from the rest of the world.
My world is no longer aligned.

I want you to be happy,
I really do.
But I wish more than anything
I could have been the one making you smile.

Our relationship was short,
but sweet.

I fell fast
and I fell hard.

I loved,
and I hurt
and I laughed
and I cried.

But I never wished,
we would end with goodbye.

It's been over a year now,
And still things are the same.
I hope you're happier with out me.
You had so much to gain.

I'm sure I'll see you soon again
Our paths may cross from time to time
But I've finally accepted now,
That you will never again be mine.

There wasn't any pivotal moment

No explicit epiphany one morning that changed things for me

It took me years

Years of dark lonely nights,

Saying to myself " I'll wait one more day, maybe tomorrow it will get better."

Just to see if things would change

I did this over and over again

For years

Usually i won the battle against myself

But a few times I failed

And I tried to let go

3 times I survived.

3 times in 3 years

The last time I had those horrific thoughts

I thought to myself

I survived myself 3 times

I shouldn't even be here today

But here I am

Still alive

Still breathing

And instead of convincing myself I wasn't worth it

The way I had so many times before

I screamed to myself

"I HAVE TO BE WORTH IT. I HAVE TO BE HERE RIGHT NOW FOR A REASON!"

I put the bottle down that night

I cried myself to sleep

In the morning I thanked God I was still here

I started focusing on the little moments

Like my best friend telling me how much she loves me

My mom thanking me for listening to her worries.

My brother calling to ask for advice about what to get mom for Christmas.

One of my students asking me if I was going to be around until they graduate

Because they dont want me to leave them.

The conversation I had with the server every morning at the coffee shop.

And it was when I started noticing and appreciating those little, positive moments in my life

That things began to turn around

It was all those little bits of human connection, interaction

That is how I survived.

As humans, we live and breathe for human connection

We need to feel valued and we need to feel understood

To any of you still stuck in that darkness,

Connection is the answer.

And to any of you who may know someone in that place

Send them a message.

Tell them you love them.

Smile at a stranger.

Walk to quiet girl from your drama class to her next class.

Compliment the bully on their new shoes.

Help the old lady across the street carry her groceries inside.

We all have a story.

Throw kindness out there even to the people who don't deserve it.

They need it the most.

We need to connect with each other.

Love is all around us.

Connections are everywhere.

Let's survive this world together.

Let's save some lives.

I can't understand why
I cant let him in
Hes been nothing but kind
But I'm stuck in my own skin

How could he see me
As beautiful and brave?
I've lived in this body long enough
And believe me it always caves.

He can't look at me without smiling
And its contagious, I do the same
I want to know so much more about him
What he hides from the world, what makes him afraid.

I want to let my walls down for him
But I'm so afraid to let him in
I'm actually a lot to handle most days
When he sees the real me theres no way I'll win

I keep telling him I am messy
I'm not sure he understands what that really means
How can I explain how most days I hate myself
And there are days I feel like I'm torn apart inside of me.

How do I let someone new in
With all the baggage I come along with
I'm not sure where to even begin
I should probably just quit.

If theres one thing I'm good at
Its self destruction at best
I know hes gonna see that soon.
I guess for now I'll give it a rest.

I am not a mother
And for that reason,
It wouldn't be fair for me to speak to the frustration you must feel having a child who just couldn't ever get it all together.
I cannot remember the times as a baby where you consoled me without anger.
I cannot fathom that there was a moment in my life where you held me and rocked me to sleep without feeling like I somehow owed you something.
I cannot speak to how many nights you spent awake crying because I kept you awake and all you needed was just a few hours of sleep to keep going.
I cannot recall these things, but I think, I hope, that you were the kind of mother back then, who did it all.
I am not a mother
I do not know the kind of disappointment that having a 29 year old child living at home must bring.
I do not always get things right
I do not always pull my weight and I don't pay your bills and I see the way you clench your fists and sigh everytime I have anything to say back about your demands.
I am far from perfect
I have caused so much pain over the years and believe me I know,
I haven't made loving me very easy.
But I am not YOUR mother.
It is not my job to regulate your emotions.
I am not obligated to take your side in every argument even when I know you are wrong.
Because sometimes, you ARE wrong.
I am your daughter
I have tried my whole life to make you proud, to prove to you I am worthy of your love, even though I am no longer a "child".
Sometimes it works
You give me your love when it's easy.
When I do something you can brag about to your friends.
You love me when it's convenient,  for YOU.
Then again, a mother's love isn't supposed to be conditional
The silent treatment only makes me fold further into my own skin.
Your back handed comments about everything I don't do, and how I should be so grateful to have a roof over my head, only breeds more resentment and hurt inside of me.
I know I am lucky
I know that so many other families have it worse and that from the outside looking in, we are this perfect family.
The thing is, no one is perfect,  not even you
I never expected you to be a perfect mother, a perfect mother does not exist.
I expected you try.
I expected you to teach me how to love myself before anyone else because I am deserving of it.
I expected you to be there for me when things were falling apart, without judgement, or anger, or guilt.
You never loved yourself either
And my heart hurts to think about the stories of your childhood.
Your own mother could never give you the love you deserved.
But I NEEDED you to break the cycle
I needed you to ask for help.
I needed you to recognize that you have caused a lot of hurt for me too.
I needed you to want to change.
To this day, you've never gotten the treatment you so desperately needed
I'm not saying this to be mean
I'm saying this because none of us are immune to trauma and if it's not dealt with, the cycle continues.
Unfortunately,  I am now part of this cycle too
I cannot help but think that if you had only gotten the help you needed when I was younger, I wouldn't need to be the one in treatment for trauma.
I cannot help but wonder what our relationship could have been like today, had you faced your own demons and fought them, like the warrior I know you can be.
But I know,
I am not a mother.
I am under your control.
It is how you like it.
How you need it to be.
I am not a mother.
I am silenced.

It's almost as if I'm invisible.
Maybe there is something I am missing.
Something,
I can't see.
Maybe I have a sign on my back that only I can't see that says
"Do not approach"
Or maybe,
They all see me now the way I've always seen myself.
Worthless.
Broken.
Sad.
Unlovable.
That's just it.
I am unlovable.
I don't love myself.
So why would anyone else?

I had to learn
How to plant my own garden
And water my own flowers

I had to to pull
Myself off the bathroom floor
While I was shaking and crying

I had to calm
My mind at night
When my thoughts told me I should die

I had to keep living
Even on days I didn't want to
I had to keep going.

I lived so much of my life
Believing I needed someone else to fix me
I never realized that I was the one
Healing myself
The entire time.

Sometimes I wish you could still save me.


From the darkness.


From my mind.


From myself.


I can't do it
on my own.

I always wish I knew what people would say about me when I was gone.

Would they tell me how much I mattered?

Would they tell me I was beautiful?

Would they say "she was such an amazing friend, if only I knew".

Would they cry for me, pretend their hearts were shattered?

Would they miss me?

Would they wish they had just one more day?

Would they tell me all the things I needed to hear, but you never cared enough to say?

Would they finally see me then?

Is that what it will take for them to finally see?

I wonder if I was gone tomorrow,

Would they finally see me, for me.

If I knew that was the last time I was ever going to see you
I would have taken a permanent picture in my mind of your eyes staring into mine like I meant something.

I would have licked my lips the last time you kissed me and memorized the taste of your lips on my mine, sweeter than a hershies kiss but now thats all I have to remind me.

I would have never let go the last time you wrapped those arms around me because in your arms was the only place I found home, now I'm lost in this crazy world.

I would have taken every last tear you shed and made them my own. Taken away the pain I couldnt see.

I would never have walked away that night when you told me it was over if I left this time. It was only another fight, if only I knew it was our last.

I would carve the feeling of you into to me. No one else feels the same.

If I knew that was the last time I was ever going to see you, I would have savoured all of those little moments, appreciated you, loved you right, held you tighter.

Because I cant remember what it feels like to have someone look at me like I mean something anymore.
And every kiss since you had tasted like poison.
No one elses arms feel like home, they feel like getting lost and I dont think I'll ever be found.
No one else sheds tears because no one else could be so vulnerable the way you could be and it was incredible.
Now everytime he leaves my house I feel like I'm being abandoned and I realize what I did to you.

My life hasnt been the same since you've been gone.

If only I knew then.

So if you're gonna leave, leave now
I cant handle one more messy goodbye

I cant watch another person I love walk away
Because my brain was too much for them to handle.

If you're gonna go, go now.
I can't let you in any further.

I can't trust you enough to stay when things get hard.
Because I will fall apart sometimes.

If you're gonna run, run fast
I'll try to chase you though

I know you are someone who's good for me.
Because you didnt judge me when I told you who I really am.

But if you really still wanna stay, please stay right here
and please don't leave.
I want you and I need you.

You're something new and something good, for me, for my soul.
That's why you terrify me.

But I think thats a good thing..

And its funny you know...

How when I was with you,
I could only count a thousand reasons

Why I shouldn't love you.

And it's sad you know...

How now that you're gone
I can only see all of the reasons

Why I should...

"I haven't been myself lately."

And when I say that I mean

I've been spending Friday nights alone in my room chugging a 2L bottle of wine,
instead of hanging out with my best friend.
Because as much as I can't stand to be alone
My head is screaming at me that I deserve to be.

I mean that I can't wake up for work in the morning because I spent all night
worrying about everything that's going to go wrong,
And decided it wasn't worth it.


I mean that I haven't seen the sun in days all I see is darkness and Mom I don't know how to find the light again.


I mean I can't remember what it feels like to want to WANT to be alive.
But I can tell you all of the reasons I think I should just die.

I mean I lost my motivation to care about myself and maybe the voice in my head is lying,
But I feel like no one really cares anyways and why would they care?

I mean on Saturday night I sat in my bed for hours rocking back and forth,
crying uncontrollably with a bottle of pills in my hands
And I almost did it.
But I thought of you.

I mean that when I woke up in the morning I woke up with regret because I had the chance to end it that night
But I'm still here and I can't live with this pain any longer.

I mean that everything is still the same except I feel like i don't know who I am anymore
And I'm scared mom.
I'm terrified.

I mean that I am scared to live mom but I'm also terrified to die.

So when I tell you I haven't felt like myself lately

I really mean I need help mom.

I need it soon.

But I'm too afraid to ask you.

I'm too afraid that you're going to worry so much that you too will end up in this darkness
And it will be my fault.

I'm too afraid you'll roll your eyes and say "things aren't as bad as they seem sweetie. They will get better."

Because I know on paper everything looks fine.

But if you stepped inside my mind for just a minute you'd come back screaming "THINGS WILL GET BETTER BUT HOW DO I GET THERE?"

I'm afraid you won't believe me and I'm afraid you won't understand because mom I don't even understand.

And I'm sorry, that this is your child.

I'm sorry I can't control this and I'm sorry I have to put you through this again.

I just haven't been myself lately mom.

I hope now you understand.

My last words to her were
"You're just causing drama J,
Why can't we just do it their way?
What's the big deal?"

And her last response to me was
"*******,
How could you take their side?
How could you?

And J walked away.

                And that was the last time I ever saw her face.

                                      It was the last time I ever heard her voice.

It was our final college class, then it was summer break.

I went back home and I was working my shift when I got the call.

I missed the call the first time.

And when I saw who it was I knew something had to be
horribly wrong.

Then she told me,

you fell asleep last night...
         and you just never
                      woke up.

You fell asleep next to your love
          and he woke up to kiss you good morning
                          and your skin was cold and blue.

                                          You were gone.

I didn't want to believe her.

How could that be true?

Only 2 weeks ago we were in class together

This can't be true.

My last words to you...

Your last words to me.

There are so many things I wish I could have told you J.

You were fearless,

              And resilient,

                        And Beautiful,

                               And kind,

                                      You weren't afraid of who you were,

                                                    You owned it.

                                             And that scared me.

I wanted to be that way but I cared too much
about what other people would think.

You
NEVER
did!

And I loved you for it.

And I miss you dearly.

And I think about you everyday.

I hope you're up there singing with the angels now beautiful.

I hope that you read this in time

Before your head gets the best of you

And you give in to the voices telling you that you aren't good enough


I hope you see this and remember

That darkness, while all consuming, can't last forever

And that hopelessness eventually turns into hope if you hold on long enough


I hope you know this every time you look in the mirror

That you were born a fighter and God wouldn't throw you anything you can't handle.

And you need to tell yourself this,

Every day,

Even on days you don't want to believe it.


I hope you see that there is so much more to live for

That puppies and babies will make you smile no matter how bad

you feel, so go visit one, or watch some videos, this will help you.

And one bad day, bad week, bad month, bad year is NOT worth

taking your life.


I NEED you to know that things get better

That this is coming from a person who has been where YOU are.

And that I tried giving up when I felt the way you do, and I failed


I NEED you to know how happy I am, that I failed

That my life turned around, and I learned how to fall in love with life again

And no, it wasn't easy

But I NEED YOU TO KNOW

To keep living,

To keep fighting,

To keep surviving,

It is SO worth it


And I need you to read this the next time you feel like it isn't

And then I need you to read it again.

Call a friend, or message me.

Just please keep living,

You are worthy of the love, and happiness, and laughter that life is going to bring you.

You are worthy of living.

To be honest with you...

I'm terrified

That when you said no one would ever love me again,

You were right...

I made it in today

Kind of...

Maybe I should say I made it out of bed today

And I'm here...



I can't really recall how I got here

All I can tell you is my bad day playlist was on repeat

The whole car ride here


I stopped a few times.

Once for coffee.

A couple for red lights.

And then in the parking lot.

To take some deep breaths.


I thought I was ready today.

I did all I could to make sure I was prepared.

But as soon as I pulled in all I wanted to do was turn around.


Most days, I love my job

Most days

I make it there on time, and there is no struggle


But today was different.

I couldn't give it my all today.

I knew that the second I walked through those doors

They would need me


And the truth is today,

I really needed someone to be there for me.


So I didn't make it.

I had to give up today.

And maybe that's okay.


Because maybe, for me to help them

Sometimes I need to to help myself first


Maybe today, it was okay to put myself first.

Maybe...

I should do that more often.

Why do I break everything I touch?
It's almost as if my fingers are razor blades  

But that's not even the worst part.
The worst part is the words that come out of my mouth
After my heart feels like it's been torn into shreds by your blades.

And baby even that, that's not even the worst part.
The worst part is I cant even tell
If my thoughts are real
If my feelings are rational

Baby please help me because sometimes I get lost in my own mind

Theres demons that live up there and they take over sometimes.

It's hard for me to know,
To tell the difference

Between a feeling that deserves to be felt
And a feeling that shouldn't really be there.

I've spent the better part of my life being told that what I feel isnt real.

I've spent the last 4 years questioning myself,
And quite frankly my whole life.

Desperately trying to figure out
Whether I deserve to feel this way

Or somehow I've asked for this.

Did I create this darkness myself?

Does my mind somehow convince me that everything and everyone
In this world
Is only going to hurt me?

Is it my fault if it does?

I wish I had the wisdom
And the rational

Between reality
And insanity

Baby please believe me when I tell you

"I didnt ask to be this way ! I want a way out I want an escape. I don't want to feel this way tonight, tomorrow, or ever again!"

I've tried to explain
Theres no quick fix to this.

Theres trauma.
There's questions unanswered.
Memories blocked out to help
Avoid the pain.

But a person can only handle this constant
"I hate you."
"I love you."
"Don't leave me."

For so long
Before they crack too.

Have I weighed you down too
With this awful demon.
While trying to fight off my own?