"I haven't been myself lately."

And when I say that I mean

I've been spending Friday nights alone in my room chugging a 2L bottle of wine,
instead of hanging out with my best friend.
Because as much as I can't stand to be alone
My head is screaming at me that I deserve to be.

I mean that I can't wake up for work in the morning because I spent all night
worrying about everything that's going to go wrong,
And decided it wasn't worth it.


I mean that I haven't seen the sun in days all I see is darkness and Mom I don't know how to find the light again.


I mean I can't remember what it feels like to want to WANT to be alive.
But I can tell you all of the reasons I think I should just die.

I mean I lost my motivation to care about myself and maybe the voice in my head is lying,
But I feel like no one really cares anyways and why would they care?

I mean on Saturday night I sat in my bed for hours rocking back and forth,
crying uncontrollably with a bottle of pills in my hands
And I almost did it.
But I thought of you.

I mean that when I woke up in the morning I woke up with regret because I had the chance to end it that night
But I'm still here and I can't live with this pain any longer.

I mean that everything is still the same except I feel like i don't know who I am anymore
And I'm scared mom.
I'm terrified.

I mean that I am scared to live mom but I'm also terrified to die.

So when I tell you I haven't felt like myself lately

I really mean I need help mom.

I need it soon.

But I'm too afraid to ask you.

I'm too afraid that you're going to worry so much that you too will end up in this darkness
And it will be my fault.

I'm too afraid you'll roll your eyes and say "things aren't as bad as they seem sweetie. They will get better."

Because I know on paper everything looks fine.

But if you stepped inside my mind for just a minute you'd come back screaming "THINGS WILL GET BETTER BUT HOW DO I GET THERE?"

I'm afraid you won't believe me and I'm afraid you won't understand because mom I don't even understand.

And I'm sorry, that this is your child.

I'm sorry I can't control this and I'm sorry I have to put you through this again.

I just haven't been myself lately mom.

I hope now you understand.

And its funny you know...

How when I was with you,
I could only count a thousand reasons

Why I shouldn't love you.

And it's sad you know...

How now that you're gone
I can only see all of the reasons

Why I should...

I can't tell you exactly how it started

But I could feel it coming

All the signs were there.

Happiness came in short fleeting moments.

They didn't last very long.

The darkness was slowly ******* me back in

The racing thoughts clawing there way back into my head

It feels like a black hole

The numbness is taking over my body and I don't know how to make it stop

I know when I start to feel this way I'm suppose to ask for help

But how do you ask for help with something no one else can see

No one else can feel it, no one else can understand.

I tried to tell them I was sick

I tried explaining how when this happens I feel like I'm a ghost walking through a nightmare

And I don't know how to wake up from this one.

Someone please wake me up

It's getting bad again

It hasnt felt this bad in so long

I thought I had beat this

But once again the darkness beat me.

I'm sorry that this is who i am.

Please someone just save me

Save me From myself.

I'm probably going to
Annoy you, and

You're probably going
To read my text message
That is way too long

And write me off
As a girl who

Talks too much.
Cares too much
Thinks too much.

I'm probably not
Your type
Because girls like
Me,

Believe people should have
Hearts like mine.

But being an empath is hard.

People are afraid
To be broken.

They pretend they are hard
And push away those
Who are soft,

To protect themselves
From everything they are
Running from.

Dont stop being soft.

Soft hearts will change
The world.

Your heart is beautiful.
You are beautiful.

Wait for the one
Who sees you
For all that you are.

I listen to everyone.

But no one every listens to me.

I go unheard.

I'm silenced.

I'm told not to speak about things that matter.

I'm too real for them.

No one wants to hear me.

I listen to everyone.

But nobody ever listens to me.

I just want to be heard.

And we never saw
The light once
These past 2 years

And we tried to
water each others flowers
Daily, but it was never
Enough.

We tried to soak up
The sun whenever we could

But most days there
Were storm clouds
Lingering over us

It rained too much
This past year, baby.

They say....
They say, sunshine
Is good for your skin
But also your soul

Our souls just couldnt
Shine together anymore.

I was just searching
for a home.

When I realized you
couldnt be my home
Anymore,

I got lost.

So here I lay,
Not only homeless,
But hopeless.

I lost the only
Home I'll ever have.

Maybe some of us
Were meant to be
Lost.

A lot can change in a year....
In one year
I went from being broke,
unemployed,
in a relationship,
depressed,
heartbroken,
barely able to function,
questioning if my life
was even worth living...

To finding a career that made me feel like I was finally good at something.
Making more money than I ever knew what to do with.
Breaking up with the boy I thought I was going to marry,
who I thought I would die without.
Finding my way back to happiness and contentment.
Mending my own heart,
without finding someone else to fix me.
And figuring out my purpose in this world.

I went from having a big group of friends,
to having almost none at all.
I went from hell to heaven,
and back around again
a hundred times or more.
I went from depending on everyone else for my happiness and self worth.
To depending on no one,
and discovering my worth based on the way I love and treat myself.
I went from never living away from home or doing anything on my own,
To moving to a new town,
new place,
alone,
and having the summer of a lifetime.

A lot can change in a year.
And looking back now,
Even though discovering myself was something I needed to do,
it has been one truly lonely year.

I think that's the part that ***** so much about growing up.
You start to realize what really matters,
who really cares,
and what never
and who never did...

It's both uplifting and completely infuriating.

This year was about finding myself.
Fixing myself.
Proving to myself,
That I deserve to live
Even if no one else loves me the way I deserve.

Next year will be about finding new people.
The good kind, you know?
The genuine
The kind
The loving
The fun
The real.
Next year is about letting new people in.

I have hope now.
Everything changed for me this year.
I finally believe in myself.
Next year everything else will fall into place.

It's almost as if I'm invisible.
Maybe there is something I am missing.
Something,
I can't see.
Maybe I have a sign on my back that only I can't see that says
"Do not approach"
Or maybe,
They all see me now the way I've always seen myself.
Worthless.
Broken.
Sad.
Unlovable.
That's just it.
I am unlovable.
I don't love myself.
So why would anyone else?

Yesterday you told me that you were feeling empty.
And I told you everything I had done in order to fill that empty void.
Because I too, had felt it.
And dont get me wrong...
Its not all the time or as much as it use to be.
Some days I miss the whole feeling of someone seeing the world in me,
you know?
And I wonder if I'll ever find it again,
Or if my he was the only person who will ever see me that way?
Being out here on my own has been both amazing and utterly lonely at the same time.
A lot of times at night,
The guys trickle off to their girls.
And the girls have their other girl friends they go to see.
And then theres me...
alone in my room staring at the ceiling.
Nights like tonight.
It's like I'm feeling so much inside that I cant feel anything at all.
Just this emptiness and an empty bed and an empty house.
Loneliness might be the worst part.
It might be one of the hardest emotions to fathom.
Sadness, and anger, they fade over time.
But the loneliness,  
the knowing that life might be this way forever,
its unbearable.
It doesnt feel temporary when it hits. It feels like it's something that was there all along but hiding in the shadows of daylight.
The light helps your mind play tricks on you during they day, to help you get through.
But at night the darkness, the empty room...
its inevitable,
theres no hiding
and theres no escape.
Except the ceiling,
and the music
to drown out the voices
that you've done it to yourself
and you deserve it.
And it's not poetic or inspiring.
It's a debilitating feeling
that you're not worthy or good enough to deserve the love and affection everyone else seems to find.
To be lonely,
you must first believe
you deserve to be alone.
I guess that is my problem,
Not only do I believe it,
I can't blame anyone else for no it.
For even I,
Would avoid myself if given the choice.
It's no wonder,
They all did too.

I read a quote somewhere that said,
"I don't know how many times I have survived myself, without telling anyone else."

And I felt those words shoot through every nerve in my body. I felt them so deeply.

And I wonder how many of us feel the same way.

How many nights we fought off the suicidal thoughts, the urge to cut, the urge to purge, the urge to run or to hide out, alone, too afraid to worry or bother our friends and family.

How many days and nights have we all suffered in our own darkness alone?

People like us fight a battle no one can ever fathom because it's a battle no one can see. And we don't let them.

I've fought myself and survived myself alone so many nights.

There were nights I use to lose my own battle. But some how still came out alive.

I guess that's how we keep going. Because every time we give up we come out stronger.

You fight yourself and beat yourself up for so long that eventually you become a master of surviving a war.

We're warriors.

"I don't know how many times I've survived myself, without telling anyone else."

Tonight, I'm telling all of you.

I survived myself.

And if you're still here and you're reading this, you survived yourself too.

It's not easy but you did it.

And I'm so proud of you all.

I heard their voices
The laughter, all of the chatter
And I couldn't help but imagine
What it would feel like to be one of them,
What it would feel like to really matter.

I saw them wander,
In and out of the house, day and night.
Sun rise through sunset,
I hoped one day I would get the invite.

I felt the strength of their friendships
The circle they had built, I had no way in.
This isn't what I expected.
But I guess this is roommate living.

The last one to arrive
Comfort has been established for so long.
How could I expect them to change for me?
When they already just belong.

I strive to be like one of them.
The social butterfly everyone adores.
But here I am in a new city,
Still the same old me, still a bore.

Maybe some day things will change for me.
One day maybe they'll give me a chance too.
Still, I didnt think it was too much ask.
For someone to say hi I'm __, it's really nice to meet you too.

Could anyone relate to me?
Could anyone assure me the first week is always hard?
Could anyone offer to be my friend, and help me out?
Clearly I expected too much, no one cares enough to go that far.

I'm probably going to wake up in the morning,
and hate myself.
When I reach over
To your side of the bed
and realize you're not there.

I'm probably going to cry myself to sleep tonight,
because last night,
You held me in your arms.
But tonight,
you're gone.
And I know,
each time I see you
It could be the last time.

I'm probably going to bite my tongue,
when we talk on the phone tomorrow.
And you tell me,
I'm still so beautiful.
And every bone in my body,
Will get weak.
And all I will really want to say is,
"baby I'm still so in love with you"

I'm probably going to fly away for a month,
And escape this town.
In hope's of getting over you,
and come back home,
to find out it was you I was searching for all along.

I'm probably going to pick up that phone one last time,
And I'm going to call you.
And I'm going to apologize.
And I'm going to want it all back.

I'm going to tell you that leaving you,
was the worst decision I ever made.
And please just take me back one more time. I promise it will be different.

And you're probably going to tell me it's too late this time.

And my heart will shatter.

And nothing will ever be the same again.

And nothing will ever be okay again.

I probably forgot to tell you that not only do I love you, but I ******* need you so bad.

So tell me,
How did she get there ?
So lost in all that darkness.

            It lingered...

Tell me,
how was she suppose to rise above
When her fear had her trapped.

            It was a prison here for her...

Tell me,
How in the blink of an eye,
          
            A best friend....
            A daughter...
            A sister....

Got lost in the world alone.
And left without a goodbye.

             There was so much pain...

Tell me,
Why all good things end,
And the good hearts hurt the most.

              This wasn't suppose to be
              how it went...

Tell me,
WHY
God please tell me WHY?
She didn't deserve to die

                It just isn't fair...

Tell me,
What is my next step?
For this is something I'm not use to.

                She was too young...

Tell me,
There's a light on it's way for her.

                 She couldn't see the light...
                 Oh God where did she go?

Tell me,
That was all a bad dream.
For none of this I want to believe.

                  Please wake me up now...

Tell me,
She's coming home.
She's not really gone.

                   She can't be gone...

Tell me,
I'm crazy.
My eyes are just hazy.

                     It's just hard to see right now,
                     Right?
                     ....

Tell me,
That she's in heaven now.
A place with love and hope and light.

                     I hope it's always sunny there...

Tell me,
That she's okay over there.
She's not alone anymore.

                     She's safe now, she has to be...

If she can hear me,

Tell her,
I'm so sorry.
I would take it all back.

                     Just to see her smile
                    one more time...

It's too late now...

Tell her,
I miss her.

                       I miss you J...

I need you to remember,
My dear,
That even when it feels like the whole world doesn't see you,
I do.
I always did.

When the the whole world turns their ears off and ignores you,
I still hear you.

When the whole world is smiling and dancing in the moonlight,
I feel your tears trickle down my cheeks.
I feel you.

When the whole world is sleeping peacefully and sound and you feel like you're all alone.
I'm awake with you.
I'm here with you,
I'm here for you.

When the whole world doesn't understand your heart of gold.
I'm holding it in my hands.
I won't let it go.

Even when the whole world has made you feel like you don't belong here anymore.
Like you're too much.
Or not enough.
You're everything to me.

You always have been.
You always will be.

Please stay right here darling,
Look up at the sun, the clouds, the moon, the stars.
I'm right here.

And you my love,
Are not alone.

It takes a sad soul to be able to write poetry.

Someone who has been through hell.

It takes a person with so much emotion,

To be able to understand poetry.

For it to really reach them.

Poets write to feel.

Poets write to find people who understand.

And more than anything,

Poets write,

In Hope's that their words,

Will reach someone just like themselves.

Poets write to feel less alone.

And to let others know they aren't alone either.

I see all of you.

Right down to your hearts.

I wish I had the chance to know all of you.

Your beautiful souls.

Please don't ever stop writing.

I need you.

All of you. ♡

I'm over you
But sometimes
when I hear an old song on the radio
it still reminds me of you
and makes my heart ache.

I don't love you anymore
But when I drive past the spot
where you told me you loved me
for the first time,
I swear I feel the love all over again
my heart started to break.

I say I am finished missing you
But many nights I still lay awake
past 2, 3 am
with thoughts of you,
us,
still flashing through my mind.

I swear I'm not lonely,
being alone.
But seeing you with her,
suddenly makes me feel isolated and distant from the rest of the world.
My world is no longer aligned.

I want you to be happy,
I really do.
But I wish more than anything
I could have been the one making you smile.

Our relationship was short,
but sweet.

I fell fast
and I fell hard.

I loved,
and I hurt
and I laughed
and I cried.

But I never wished,
we would end with goodbye.

It's been over a year now,
And still things are the same.
I hope you're happier with out me.
You had so much to gain.

I'm sure I'll see you soon again
Our paths may cross from time to time
But I've finally accepted now,
That you will never again be mine.

September 2nd, 2016 I received my diagnoses.
Borderline Personality Disorder
Yikes....
But then it all started to make sense.

I understand myself now more than I ever have before.

But try explaining this to a friend, a lover, a family member.

"Borderline of what?"
They all ask.

Let me explain....

I am on the borderline
The borderline of love,
and of hate

I love so deeply,
I can make you feel like you're on top of the world..

But then I split.
And suddenly,
I hate you,
I hate you,
I hate you,
But don't leave me.
please don't ever leave me.

Love me,
Love me.

Leave me behind.
I'm the borderline
I can be the happiest of people.
But also the most depressing.

See when I feel happiness
I see that the sun shines brighter,
I notice the good in the little things.

When I'm happy l,
I feel invincible.

But then...
In the blink of an eye,
I split.

And suddenly,
I'm the lowest of the low.

I'm standing on that edge,
Hoping to God I have the courage to take one more step.
To end it all.

Staring down that bottle of pills,
feeling like swallowing them maybe wouldn't be so bad.

I am on the borderline...
of your best friend,
And some days,
your worst enemy.

I push you away,
I pull you too close.

The borderline of loneliness,
and never really being alone.

I am on the borderline,

The borderline of insanity.

The borderline of my sanity.

I have borderline personality disorder,

And these borders have taken over me.

I need to find new things to love.
Everything I use to love just reminds me of you.
Once so sweet but now so bitter.
I guess it’s time to start all over.

New music,
New shows,
New games,
Fresh Snow,

No more coffee,
No more pink,
No more long drives.
They always made us think...

I need to erase all the things I ever loved.
Because I only loved them because of you.
I'll start this all over again.
It's hard to find things I love without you...

My last words to her were
"You're just causing drama J,
Why can't we just do it their way?
What's the big deal?"

And her last response to me was
"*******,
How could you take their side?
How could you?

And J walked away.

                And that was the last time I ever saw her face.

                                      It was the last time I ever heard her voice.

It was our final college class, then it was summer break.

I went back home and I was working my shift when I got the call.

I missed the call the first time.

And when I saw who it was I knew something had to be
horribly wrong.

Then she told me,

you fell asleep last night...
         and you just never
                      woke up.

You fell asleep next to your love
          and he woke up to kiss you good morning
                          and your skin was cold and blue.

                                          You were gone.

I didn't want to believe her.

How could that be true?

Only 2 weeks ago we were in class together

This can't be true.

My last words to you...

Your last words to me.

There are so many things I wish I could have told you J.

You were fearless,

              And resilient,

                        And Beautiful,

                               And kind,

                                      You weren't afraid of who you were,

                                                    You owned it.

                                             And that scared me.

I wanted to be that way but I cared too much
about what other people would think.

You
NEVER
did!

And I loved you for it.

And I miss you dearly.

And I think about you everyday.

I hope you're up there singing with the angels now beautiful.

Its like this

Im screaming at the top of my lungs
SO LOUD
but no one can hear me.
Im
    drowning
          myself
               in my tears.

Im almost invisible.
I swear that no one can see me

Im scared
because this has happened before.

I know it never ends up well.

And IM SORRY
if what im saying scares you.

But I feel like ive been living in hell
for far too long.

Im surrounded by all these strange people...
With smiles
and love and happiness.

And I dont understand them.
I dont understand any of it.

Because,
Im alone.

IM

ALWAYS

ALONE.  

Im invisible.

The rare moments I am seen,
Are just my flaws showing their bright colours.
They use that against me.

Another excuse to hate me.

Another reason I'm alone.

They pick at me.

Piece
      by
          piece...
until theres nothing left.

No one ever realized that.

Every wrong thing they said and did

Every time they hurt me,
I hurt me too.

And i just hope
That one day
It will all go away,
You know?

I dream of the day
I wont have to scream or cry

One day

Maybe,
Ill really be alive.

I just wish I could make you understand
Im trying, Im doing the best I can.

But im not as strong as everyone thinks I am.

Truth is; i just fall apart when no one is looking.

I hope you never have to understand how much pain you have to feel to press that blade into your skin.

I hope you never understand the feeling of hopelessness.

I hope you never have the thought that your life and the lives everyone else around you might be better without you .

You're so lucky if you can drive on the highway without picturing how easy it could be to end your life in a second if you wanted to.

If you can see a full bottle of prescription pills when you're sad and not think about swallowing the whole thing you are blessed and I hope it never changes.

I dont expect you to understand the pain I feel, or the horrible thoughts that ricochet through my mind.

You shouldn't have to.

No one should.

I would never wish those things on anyone.

Because if you did understand me, and all of those things,

It's probably because you've felt them too.

And no one should have to.

To my best friend who witnessed me with cut wrists and pale skin,
throwing up every ounce of hurt,
Dying from within.

I'm never apologized for putting you through this.
But thank you for being my strength when I was barely holding on.

To my first boyfriend who convinced me I was worthless,
that no one else would ever love me as good.
And that punching your girlfriend and spitting in her face was well deserved.

I met the one and he loved me so much, treated me better than you ever would, don't worry I ruined it though, because of my trust issues, thanks to you.

To my mother who never gave up on me,
Even after I gave up so many times.
Who appeared strong and brave for me always.

Its because of you I'm here today, because of you I'm still alive. You are my precious porcelain doll, just as easy to break as I, but with a stronger glass.

To my father who never missed a moment,
To spend precious time with his dear daughter,
A superhero wearing a custodians uniform.

My hero as a father. My superman. How do I thank you for being my best friend when no one else even wanted to look at me?

To my brother who I never fully got to know until now
Who couldnt stand me as a teenager but took down all the bullies,
Who acts as if he doesnt feel things,

I'm here if you ever need to feel, I will hold you if you ever need to cry the same way you held me on some of my darkest, loneliest nights.

To my professor who told me I would never make it
In my career, if I couldnt write this paper.
I graduated 2 years ago

I now work my dream job. You didnt know this but telling me I cant do something, is the quickest way to motivate me. You were wrong, but thank you for the extra push.

To my server at the coffee shop who always remembered my name.
Every morning she greeted me with a smile.
She asked about my life.

Made me seem like I was important for a little while. I think she noticed I loved the little things. You were my little piece of sunshine every morning.

To all the bullies who destroyed such a big part of me.
They all loved to watch me as I fell to the ground.
And kicked me knowing I was already down.

Your destruction of me helped me rebuild the person I am. Your destruction of me made me stronger than you'll ever be. So I guess I owe you one.

To my future daughter who may get to meet one of each of these kinds of people
See the bigger picture baby girl,
Fight back.

Stand up for yourself.
Dont you ever give up.

There are so many people who will try to take you down as you grow, but there are so many people who are going to build you up.

Love them.

Cherish them.

Give them your heart.

Each person who walks into your life is there for a reason, and they will all teach you life changing lessons.

Learn them.

Learn them all.

Picture this...
A girl breaks up with her long term boyfriend and downloads tinder.

The girl tries to play it cool for a little while, flirting, leading guys on, whatever it took to make her feel good.

Because the attention FEELS good and we all know it.

At first it was used to boost her confidence.

Until she started to hate these guys.

Until she realized they were all only looking for one thing and that was her body and not her heart.

Until she noticed the second she got real she would get unmatched.

The countless times she received only one message from multiple guys saying "let's have ***"
And when her response was "I'm not that kind of girl" they disappeared.

Yea sure, tinder is a great confidence booster for a little while.

Until you're ready to give your heart to someone and you realize that the size of your *** is more important than the size of your heart.
Or your favourite colour.
Or what makes you smile.
Or what makes you sad.

Girl gets tinder...
And it works for a little while.

But none of them were worth it.

Picture this...

7 months later

Spent swiping and matching and chatting

And shes still hung up on her ex.

Because he saw her for who she was.

And those guys never will.

And just like that I let him take a perfectly good day and ruin it for me.

I woke up today and the sun was shining.

The air was warm, the birds were singing.

I woke up saying to myself "today is going to be a good day"

And it was.

Until we made plans and you acted like you wanted to see me.

You pretended that you cared.

And then you stopped answering.

And you didnt open my message for the rest of the night.

You ignored me.

At first I tried to rationalize "hes just busy, he will reply when he can"

That worked when I was at work.

But then I got home.

4 hours passed by...

Then 5.....

6.....

Still no reply.

And suddenly my perfectly good day was destroyed.

I'm destroyed.

I wonder why I try with anyone anymore because I realize no ones really down for you the way you think they are.

The way they ACT like they are.

He was suppose to be the one who understood how I felt about these things.

If he cant understand me after all of this time,

No one ever will.

6:55 p.m.
Here comes the train again.

I dont wanna die but everytime I see a train pass by I still imagine myself laying underneath it.

Trains terrify me because of the way seeing one fly by makes me imagine that if I wanted to, in just one second I could end it all.

The train passes by,

I'm still alive.

I know I'd never lay on those tracks but the fact that those thoughts are still there haunting me shows me that no matter how much better you get.

It doesnt matter.

All the work, all the healing, and you still have to fight off those demons every single day for the rest of your life.

But every day you survive, they get a little bit easier to fight off.

7:00 p.m. and I made it over those train tracks one more time.

I can do this.

April 30, 2018

1.   I love you unconditionally.
2. I’m scared you won't be enough or I will be too much for you
    some day.
3. I’m scared of losing you.
4. I’m scared of pushing you away.
5. I need you more than you need me, always.
6. You are my rock, without you I wouldn't be here today.
7. I’m sorry I held on too tight.
8. I tried so hard not to **** it up, but once again I did.
9. I'm so sorry.
10. You were my first true love, losing you meant losing me.
11.You were the one person who changed me.
12. I’ll never forget you.
13. I cherish all of my memories with you.
14. I don’t know who I am anymore.
15. It’s His kisses never tasted as sweet.
16. He doesn't understand me the way you always did.
17. I still see your face in my dreams.
18. I realize I made a mistake leaving you.
19. I 'm Sorry.
20. I never stopped loving you.
21. You deserved better than my confusion, I'll love you forever but
      you love her now.
22. I'm sorry I'm too late.