My final goodbye

Dear ex-boyfriend,

I would say I hope this letter finds you well,
but I know you'll probably never get the chance to read this,
and
even if you did,
at this point, I know you wouldn't care.
I just had some questions for you that play through my mind, especially as the sun sets and my thoughts turn to darkness as the moon comes out to shine its pale light.

I wanted to know why this happened so fast?

We had one conversation and you told me you weren't ready, the next thing I knew it was over and you were gone. Like a ghost you literally vanished from my life without so much as a goodbye.

It destroyed me.

I was so confused,
how can you look someone in the eyes and tell them you love them every day,
and then bolt at the slightest mention of a future together.

Was I just a fool?
Were you only saying those words because you knew it was what I needed to hear to stay and you weren't ready to be alone yet?

Did you ever really love me?
Or was it just that you enjoyed the companionship.
Was it just that you enjoyed the way I loved you?
The way no matter what you did you knew I could never leave and I would still look at you as if you were my king while I later found out I wasn't so much as a peasant to you.
You knew how important close relationships were in my life.
You knew my biggest trigger was losing people I love.
You knew it could be dangerous for my mental health if you walked away, and you did it anyways.

I'm NOT saying I wanted you to stay with me
just so I didn't have to hurt.
The part that is tearing me up inside the most is just that
with knowing all of those things about me,
you still never said a word.
You never asked me if I was okay. You never provided me with closure.

One day I was the person you loved and the next day I was a complete stranger you'd already erased from your life.

It's taken every ounce of strength I have to pull through this heartbreak.
And I really wasn't sure I would survive it this time
because the truth is,
I really never have felt a love like that with anyone else, and so when you walked away
it really did feel like my world
and my life
was over.

But here I am writing you this letter you will never see.

I'm writing this letter,
and then I am letting you go.

You have come back into my life and torn it to pieces 3 times now and I've had enough of the heartache and heartbreak.

The only good thing that has come out of this is
I have learned just how strong
I really am.
I learned that even when I think my life is not worth living
and even if you think
I wasn't good enough, 
I just need to keep waking up, and keep going.

Your heart was never big enough to handle the weight of my love
But I know someday,
I will find someone who sees me for all that I am
and loves me more for it.

So thank you,
I guess,
for giving me the chance
to find someone else
who can love me the way I deserve.

This is my final goodbye,
I will not bother you anymore.
I will not call or text your phone desperately awaiting an explanation I will never receive.
I'm writing this letter
and
I'm letting you go.
Once and for all.

Sincerely, your ex
-C.M.