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They say it takes 21 days to make or break a habit.

So how come it only took me 1 date to fall for you,

3 weeks to love you,

4 words to to shatter my heart

And  21 months to stop wanting you back...

I thought you were my world,
My addiction,
My favourite habit

But no matter how hard I try, I can't seem to break the habit of missing you.

It hurts because it matters.
      It matters because you care.
           You care because you still love them.
                   You love them but they left you.
            They left you because it hurt.
       It hurt because they cared.
    They cared because they still loved you.
They loved you but then they left you.

And it all hurts. And it all hurts, because it matters.
My mom says,

"You look beautiful today"
She asks "have you lost any weight honey? Here's a salad before you go to work.
You dont want to get fat"

Mom says, life is always easier for skinny girls and that I haven't had it easy so maybe my weight is the problem.

I tell her I'm comfortable.
But as I walk away, I find myself gazing into my bedroom mirror pinching at the fat on my stomach
Wishing it was nothing but paper, because then I could cut it off and maybe then I would be happy and maybe then my mom would think I was good enough.
Mom says, "those leggings aren't flattering on you. And don't you know what people will say about you if you walk around dressed like that? Hide your body. Hide your curves, the world doesn't need to see your fat seeping through those nylon pants. "

I yell back " I don't care what you think! I LIKE THEM"
Mom says "yes you do, I know you do. Now go change and come eat your salad."

I force feed myself a salad for the 5th time this week and change into a baggy sweatshirt and some sweatpants.

I want to believe that I don't care what she thinks but her words feel like bee stings prickling my entire body and no matter how many times they attack, I don't grow numb to them.

I weighed myself today, I lost 5 pounds this week but im starting to feel sick from hunger, I'm light headed.

I head downstairs, the thought of inhaling every carb we have in the kitchen because it's been 2 weeks since ive had one and the cravings are too strong.

Just as I'm about to make some pasta mom comes into the kitchen.

"You look amazing," she says.
"You're so beautiful hunny I'm so proud of you. Wait... is that pasta? What are you doing? If you eat that you'll get fat again. If you're fat you won't be happy. You can't be happy. Put that down. Here's a pill for you hunny"

Take it when you're hungry, it'll take away the cravings and surpress your appetite.

I take the stupid pills that mom seems to think work like magic and I go back up to my room, staring at this body of mine that doesn't feel like mine anymore.

I hate myself.
I hate that I want to eat carbs and I hate that I dream of sugar every night.
I hate that my mom thinks I need a pill to fix who I am, as if I am unlovable when i am not losing weight.
Even as her daughter.

Growing up, we're always taught that our mothers are our protectors...
But I realize now my mother is the reason I never feel like I'm good enough.
I never feel like I'm loveable.

Mother's are suppose to make their daughters feel beautiful and empowered.

I spent my entire childhood on a diet.
To this day, I still hear her voice in my head.
Have a salad honey.
It will be easier if you're skinny.
Change into something else.

I wonder, if this will follow me forever.
If I will always be haunted, by my mother's shame.

I promise though,
If I ever have a daughter,
I will empower her to love herself no matter what.
I will teach her that love isn't based on your waist size and neither is acceptance you can find love at 400 pounds the same way you can at 130 pounds.
I will teach her she is beautiful.
I will make sure that when she grows up, she's not afraid to touch pasta, or have a sweet.
I will teach her, no matter what, SHE IS LOVEABLE. And so are you.. And so am I... I think...
Its not always easy to be patient,
I know
They tell you it gets better
But they don't tell you when

Its not always easy to wake up,
I know
You keep doing it anyways, but sometimes your bed feels like quicksand and you just barely make it out.

Some days, you don't make it out,
I know.
Some days you sink so deep into your sorrows that suddenly you're drowning in an ocean of hopelessness and your bed is the only place safe enough to land.

It's exhausting some days,
I know.

You go to work and you put on a smile even though everything inside you is falling apart, and they don't see,
I know.

You wonder how much longer you can keep pretending things are fine
But they keep saying that things get better
And you want to believe them,
I know

You want to find your way back to the surface, that is a life you're not just surviving, but actually living
I know

I know you want to get better. And I know right now you are struggling and I know that on the days where the only thing you accomplished was simply breathing, you feel like a failure, but hunny you are the exact opposite of that.

You are a fighter.
You are a survivor.
You are braver than anyone will ever know, surviving constant battles clawing at your mind every second of every day.

This does not make you weak my love.
This makes you strong.

I know people keep saying that things get better,
But they never tell you when.

You just have to take it one step at a time.
Pride yourself on accomplishing the little things that don't seem important in the grand scheme of things, but they are the things that are keeping you alive.

One step at a time my love,
One breath, one hour, one morning, one shopping trip, one shower, one day.

Some day, I promise you
All of these little things will eventually lead you back to the light.
Back to being hopeful for tomorrow's.
I know,
My final goodbye

Dear ex-boyfriend,

I would say I hope this letter finds you well,
but I know you'll probably never get the chance to read this,
even if you did,
at this point, I know you wouldn't care.
I just had some questions for you that play through my mind, especially as the sun sets and my thoughts turn to darkness as the moon comes out to shine its pale light.

I wanted to know why this happened so fast?

We had one conversation and you told me you weren't ready, the next thing I knew it was over and you were gone. Like a ghost you literally vanished from my life without so much as a goodbye.

It destroyed me.

I was so confused,
how can you look someone in the eyes and tell them you love them every day,
and then bolt at the slightest mention of a future together.

Was I just a fool?
Were you only saying those words because you knew it was what I needed to hear to stay and you weren't ready to be alone yet?

Did you ever really love me?
Or was it just that you enjoyed the companionship.
Was it just that you enjoyed the way I loved you?
The way no matter what you did you knew I could never leave and I would still look at you as if you were my king while I later found out I wasn't so much as a peasant to you.
You knew how important close relationships were in my life.
You knew my biggest trigger was losing people I love.
You knew it could be dangerous for my mental health if you walked away, and you did it anyways.

I'm NOT saying I wanted you to stay with me
just so I didn't have to hurt.
The part that is tearing me up inside the most is just that
with knowing all of those things about me,
you still never said a word.
You never asked me if I was okay. You never provided me with closure.

One day I was the person you loved and the next day I was a complete stranger you'd already erased from your life.

It's taken every ounce of strength I have to pull through this heartbreak.
And I really wasn't sure I would survive it this time
because the truth is,
I really never have felt a love like that with anyone else, and so when you walked away
it really did feel like my world
and my life
was over.

But here I am writing you this letter you will never see.

I'm writing this letter,
and then I am letting you go.

You have come back into my life and torn it to pieces 3 times now and I've had enough of the heartache and heartbreak.

The only good thing that has come out of this is
I have learned just how strong
I really am.
I learned that even when I think my life is not worth living
and even if you think
I wasn't good enough, 
I just need to keep waking up, and keep going.

Your heart was never big enough to handle the weight of my love
But I know someday,
I will find someone who sees me for all that I am
and loves me more for it.

So thank you,
I guess,
for giving me the chance
to find someone else
who can love me the way I deserve.

This is my final goodbye,
I will not bother you anymore.
I will not call or text your phone desperately awaiting an explanation I will never receive.
I'm writing this letter
I'm letting you go.
Once and for all.

Sincerely, your ex
Colm Aug 2020
Meet me there
Where the beach is tall and blonde and nearly as fair
Where the sun kissed sidewalks are more forgiving and free
Holding warmth more unpretending than those who never cared
And the night breathes life refreshing back into our chests with a bellowing swing
Where we sing with campfire sparks in the dark
And look only to see the stars
Staring back down into our eyes alive
For as high as we are on this lifeguard stand
Meet me there my soul friend
I will be with you again
Above within the tepid air
Soul Friend At Sunset Beach
Darling I know you are looking at yourself in the mirror right now
Questioning what you've done wrong

I know your mind was racing all night going over every conversation in your head

I know you're wondering how and why it all went wrong.

And I know you're sitting there with tears streaming down your face, and you're blaming yourself once again

I know you're feeling like no one will ever understand you completely, I know you're terrified that you will always be misunderstood

And I know you're so tired of trying to explain and convince yourself, that you are enough, and that you are a good person

I also know you don't believe it.

Here's what I need you to remember...

Not everybody in this world is going to love you

Not everyone is going to understand you and not everyone is going to want to

Not everyone will think you're good enough and not everyone is going to try and see the best in you

BUT, that is not what matters.

HERE'S what matters,

That no matter how small you are made to feel sometimes

No matter how many times you are made to feel like a bad person

No matter how many mistakes you make

The only thing that matters

Is that you stay true to yourself.

You get back up.

You start over again.

And you forgive yourself.

And you love yourself.

Love yourself even more when you feel like you deserve it the least.

Understand that you know yourself better than anyone else and the only thing that really matters is that you start to believe that and see that in yourself.

No matter what the rest of the world may try to make you believe, you keep fighting and you keep loving and tou keep believing in you.

This whole night, it was almost as if alarm bells were ringing in my head non-stop

Trigger after trigger after trigger

I tried everything I could to keep myself composed.

Deep ocean breathing. Box breathing. Subject changes.

Nothing worked.

I was at war with myself the whole time.

A battle between my mind and its triggers, and the voice inside my head yelling at me for being so selfish, and making this night about me and my triggers

I felt like I was clawing at my brain trying to escape the thoughts.

Praying I could just be like everyone else for one night.

Nothing stopped it.

Trigger, they just talked about an event and didn't invite me.

Trigger I'm not good enough

Trigger nobody is talking to me

Trigger why am I like this

Trigger get me out of my head

Trigger they noticed I'm quiet

Trigger the tears roll down my cheek

Trigger nobody would have noticed if I wasnt here tonight

Trigger I dont wanna be here tonight

Trigger I dont wanna be here at all.




I tried to shut the alarms off but they rang all night and I'm exhausted.


Were fighting as I yell, "I'm angry why don't you just go away"
Inside I'm screaming "no don't actually, please stay"

My body has gone into self defense mode,
And with that, it becomes so hard to decode

I'm tired and I'm hurt but it's not all your fault
Theres so many secrets locked in my vault

You said you would be there, even when it got ugly
But I guess the fighting, for you was too much juggling

My emotions run at an all time high
I warned you this from the start,
You were still willing to try.

I explained that this is what I would do
But you wouldnt listen, it was all so true

Now I'm left with an empty space
You left my life without a trace

A part of me, you took with you,
that day you drove away, gone forever
I felt like I lost my mind that night,
But I understand now we're better of not being together

You never understood my heart, the way the man I deserve, really should
I'm not sorry for the person I am,
I'm just sorry you never understood

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