I am in so much pain
I need somebody to **** me
I've tried and failed many times
They took my pills and noose away
I'm hurting so bad
Help me
Help me
I can't bare it any longer
It feels like I'm being torn apart from the inside out
I can't help it
**** me please
I need to rest
I just need a moment without the mental pain
It never stops it really never stops and I can't bare it anymore I can't live like this any longer
Help me
The demons are too big
They are killing me inside
They don't see how sick I am
They never see it
They trust me to be alone but I can't be alone because I will end my suffering on my own
I need to stop this pain
It's killing me
Help
Caer Caer Caer Caer
Help me it's killing me
I feel so alone
I am so alone right now I can't feel like this any longer
**** me please
Please please please end my suffering
Before it's too late and they take the full control

I smell like the cigarette that I put out on my skin
The sting's still there
It turned to a bright red spot before it went black
I smell like the **** that I smoked
I need it to keep the voices quiet
It turns my thoughts into clouds and my mood into water
I smell like the liquor I drank
I need it to feel alive
I need it to feel like I am somebody
I smell like the blood seeping out of my fresh cuts
I need it to stay calm
Without it I would lose myself in the eye of a noose
Why do I need all these things to make me feel like I am somebody? Without them I turn into my biggest demons and I can't face myself for a second being like that. Why can't I just be like everyone else and find pleasure instead of escape in atleast 3 of these things. Why can't I stop being me?

Just incase no one told you today:

•you are loved
•your thoughts matter
•you matter
•you are brave
•you are smart
•you are beautiful
•you are capable
•you can do this
•it does get better
•it's okay to cry
•you'll make it out of this
•the sun will shine again

And most importantly

•you matter, you matter and this world needs you and don't ever let anyone or anything make you believe otherwise.

And I find it so hard to search for words to say
That my sanity went down the drain
Like the leftover soap seeping off my hair
It stings my eyes and turns me blind
The monster picks the moment like a greedy child picking a flower
It closes my throat so oxygen is a word I can't remember anymore
Thoughts drip down my body and I find myself drowning in the condensed walls of my mind
With damp fingers I try to reach for a strategy
But I seem to have lost my sanity

I want to tear my skin apart
I want to rip the pieces of my body off my soul and create something beautiful
I want to feel seeping wounds close up and I want to feel the tightness of them healing
I want my bones to snap like sticks
And my teeth to break like bricks
I want the taste of life on my tongue when the pain numbs my body

I want to feel

She was a shadow of her own mind
A pitch black hole in the air
When people looked at her the hope that she'd come back would fade away

She was a crack in a perfectly fine mirror
Nobody seemed to notice it at first, but it eventually got annoying to look

She was a papercut in her family's finger
A small stripe of blood and biterness in a beautiful surface that shouldn't be touched

She was broken but all she worried about was how it affected the people around her. And nobody seemed to take a needle to stitch the pieces back together

She plays violin on her wrists
Sinfully beautiful symphonies appear on her skin
Like paper sheets her blood will flow
With eyes determined on the price
She watches the last bit of her soul seep out of her wounds
A lonely sound escapes her lips
The last lonely sound she'll ever make
Now she's in a different place
And replaced the violin for clouds

And he thinks it's so easy
Because he knows how to love
But I never met that feeling
I've had a dark cloud above my head and my heart for as long as I can remember
Who even am I?
My brain tells me it's perfect
But my feelings got stuck behind this wall
I can't seem to find them.
Every day I pretend. I pretend that I'm fine.
'yes I ate my dinner, yes I took my medicine, yes I love you'
These lies became a friendly play.
But the glue behind the mask is wearing off and slowly reveals the broken pieces left of me.
I don't know anymore
My brain divided itself into little fragments, hovering all over the place.
The only safetynet is myself, and I can't seem to find her.

Emotion burgeons with each passing day,
becoming indolent through exhaustion.
Calling for help imperatively,
but not being heard through a cloud so thick.

3/27/2018 - 2:27am
It’s tough, you know.
When it’s 2am,
and you’ve
finally
decided
to try and get some sleep.
Then, your fear comes
in this giant wave
like you’re the shore
it’s crashing into.
It’s tough,
when you’re out shopping
for house necessities
and, your chest is
so tight,
and your hands
are trembling
because, anxiety
is so *******
controlling,
and you have to
act like you’re totally
okay every time
you walk past
another human being
acting like
they’re totally okay.
None of us
are ever totally okay.
All of us
struggle in
personal battles
everyday.
Some
worse than others,
but for all,
it’s tough.

A.R