As quickly as it came to me
It falls away just the same
I can't figure out why life
Has such a hit on my heart.
I don't just lose my girl
I also lose a close friend
And at the same time
Everything else too.
I'll never understand why
Every time i try to love
The chance gets ripped away
My insides shredded in a million parts.
Nothing left to salvage
Too ******* up to make a life
And so sick of everything ******* up
Now i don't know what's left to do.

Three and a half years ago
I met the girl who became my first love
I hadn't had much experience with love
So I didn't know when it became toxic
I transformed from straight-edge
To blacking out and blackening my lungs
I would have married her
But she left and
It ended up being a blessing is disguise

Two and a half years ago
I entered into a relationship
While I didn't feel too much
I thought she would be my forever
We got engaged
But I was afraid
And I made a choice out of fear
I left
Not literally but emotionally
And then it all ended
I turned into the toxic person I hated

Almost four months ago
I reconnected with an old flame
We grew from destruction
But the love grew onward nonetheless
We hit a rough patch when I needed free love
She still gave it a chance and
I couldn't be happier

Over a year ago
I met my 2nd partner
About four months ago
We finally had a real conversation
And a month later we developed feelings
We're still new and it's intense
Balancing love comes with its challenges
But our capacity to love is beautiful
And we grow individually each day
Experiencing endless firsts together
My first time growing love from friendship
And it's a wonderful change

Four weeks ago
I reestablished a relationship with my ex-fiancé
4 months after our fateful end
We still share so much love
And though we can only connect through text these days
Our emotional bond holds no bounds
Love is love
And she became my third

Three weeks ago
I left my old flame
Because I couldn't handle it anymore
And it wasn't her fault
We both lost touch with the others' needs
She needed me
And I needed space
We were both unhappy
And I chose to run
I still care about her
But I'm sure she hates me now
And I don't blame her for that

A week and a half ago
My ex-fiancé tried to **** herself
I got scared and told her dad
He didn't know we were talking again
But I needed to save her
She appreciated it at first
And then she cut me off
Even though we loved each other
We were hurting each other more
I understand why she left
And I hope she finds happiness
But it still hurts

One week ago
I realized I loved my 2nd partner
Who is now my only partner
We were laying together
I looked into her eyes and just knew
When I'm with her there's nothing but warmth and happiness
Flooding my chest
Electricity runs through my bones when we lock eyes
I knew I'd love her one day
But I didn't think I'd be IN love with her
Every day is an experience
And though it's hard
I wouldn't want to go through it with anyone else

Today
I am still growing
I am not perfect by any means
And I am not defined by my relationships
But they have helped shape me as a person
Free love has been hard
These past years have been intense
And I am trying to learn from my mistakes
I am learning to love myself through them
To forgive myself
While still recognizing the pain my choices have caused
I am sorry to those I have hurt
I really am trying
I still love you all
But where we are in life no longer aligns
I wish you nothing but the best

No matter how much I feel
And how happy I am with someone
There's always someone else
That catches my eye too
And that doesn't discredit my feelings for you
Because I know those haven't changed
Love is complicated
And having it for more than one
Makes my life a bit of a mess
Especially to those who don't understand it
Even though I don't completely either
But my feelings for you
And my feelings for her
Are not mutually exclusive
My love for you does not die
Simply because I develop a crush on someone else
Even if it turns to love as well
It does not extinguish our flame

I feel lost and alone
Wandering through this darkness
What used to be my light
Dwindles in the distance

We feel so far away
So disconnected from our souls
I feel as though I'm nothing now
That if I chose to leave
Your life would not change
At least not in a bad way

You'd have more time for others
More time for yourself
Less stress from the nerves I break
You wouldn't have to be angry either
One less person to make time for
One less perspective to look through
You could actually leave then
No one left to hold you back

I would be nothing again
An empty memory you could forget
Maybe something small to look back on
Maybe I'm not even worth that

And as my soul bleeds out these feelings
It's odd to recognize we're still together
Sometimes I feel so alone in this
Other times I know I am

Breathe in
Breathe out
I feel the presence of the universe
Sitting silently
Legs crossed
I am exactly where I am meant to be
Pure energy enters
The negativity flows away
Slowly breaking away my anxiety

Bittersweetness is burning
Holes into my throat like an instrument
Attempting to give purpose to this
Air that I am breathing in

But noise without melody is chaos
There is no direction, no beat
There is no sheet music to follow along to
And sometimes I just need to breathe

This life is brutal and beautiful
A weaving together of joy and sorrow
Made up of perpetual deaths
Today's finality is the birth of tomorrow

But I want to walk the world with open arms
Let all emotions fully wash over me
And when the waves inevitably block my vision
I'll know it's only moments before I can see again

It's not easy to revisit our memories
I am not quite sure why
Maybe I actually did love you
Did? Do? Done
I don't know
Maybe I didn't and
It's too hard to admit

Maybe I am a mindfuck
That just likes playing games
Feeling empowered
By breaking bones and hearts on my way up
Seeking control when I'm feeling lost

Maybe I'm ashamed
Because I know I hurt you badly
I kept blaming you too
"We weren't right"
"You were too dependent"
"You were too invested"

Maybe it was me
I don't know what I feel
I don't necessarily regret the break
I do miss you sometimes though
We weren't great at the end
We were definitely something though

Maybe I miss your friendship
Getting ice cream together after it all
That's a memory I can't forget
It was hard for us both
I never told you that though
How do I tell you that
I didn't think we could be friends
Because I couldn't handle it
When it still doesn't mean we should be together again?

Maybe it really was the pressure
"Soulmates"
That's a loaded explanation
You know I crack under that kind of intensity
It's not your fault though
It's easy to desire the untouchable
Especially once you've touched me

Maybe we will never speak again
Maybe we will
Either way I need you to know I'm sorry
Genuinely

Maybe it's because I recently felt
Something similar to the way you might have
Because when someone you love
Desires another
It could **** you

Maybe it was easy to delete the pictures
Simply because I am running away from memories
Maybe I don't want to face these demons
They always catch up eventually

Please just remember
You are strong
You are worth love
You are beautiful
You will find someone who treats you right
You are enough on your own though
You deserve everything good and
You will survive this storm

Here, on my knees
I'm begging for answers
Gravel cuts into my flesh
Ripping right through me
The blood stained rubble
Loudly recalls my humanity
Tears made of dust and dirt
Are suspended indefinitely
I am alone in the darkness
Cold down through my bones
There are lights in the distance
A million roads lay before me
But I can't tell what's real
From all the illusions

So sensitive we are
Deeply sunk in our love
With it we keep each other afloat
Through this toxic river of life
Even though we both love another
And recognize the depth of our feelings together
We still experience tremoring fear
In the face of the other's other

Ice burns my chest
As I scramble to find a heartbeat
Frozen bones against cold skin
I feel my pulse echo into me
I know I'm still alive
But inside it's only emptiness
Fires raged within me once
Leaving behind nothing but ash
My heart, my soul
Blown away in the wind
I am lost and alone
Free, but still the same
My body aches at the memory
Of shackles holding me down
I never knew my escape
Could cause this much pain
Simply trapped in new binds
I don't know what freedom is
Life is a sick and twisted game
Where I get to choose my path
But what good is a decision
When it all leads to death
I cannot picture my future
But my past is loud and clear
How can I keep moving forward
When I'm barely a part of the present
I know I have to build my own life
But all of the tools are breaking
What a privilege it is
To pick my own poison

I'm done with nonsense,
Done with sweating over pointlessness;
Turning a small nothing
into a crazed something.
Done caring for the material things,
And instead truly living for the little moments;
The little details that make a moment special.
Like the rain against our backs,
As we spill hidden truths,
Echoing against wind's resistance,
Into the darkness.
And at that moment we're invincible;
Nothing can touch us,
And everything makes sense.
For once we understand each other,
While discussing our inability to understand the world around us.
But it's all okay.
Because for that moment in time,
Nothing else matters.

I'm like a curse
A walking parasite
Latching onto various people
Until it gets to be too much
And then I move on to the next

That's how they see me at least
They don't realize the humanity within me
They don't see the tears
The anger
The pain
When someone loses me
I lose them too
I don't just happily move on
I feel the searing sting
Tears burning scarred skin
Wishing I could be what they needed
But I never am

They say I don't know what love is
"If you love someone, you don't leave"
I hear you
But I disagree
You were hurting
And I was hurting
We both still feel that pain
But "us" is impossible
Regardless of feelings
Regardless of love
I'm learning to live for myself
So I can stop hurting those around me
Because you deserve better than that

You're right, I didn't try hard enough
But I was suffocating
And the distance didn't help at all
Yes you're unhappy now but
At least you have a chance to move on
I couldn't give you forever
I couldn't give you stability
I am unpredictable
"Curve *****" you called them
Fluid feelings aren't made for forever

Maybe I don't know what love is
Or maybe I express it differently
We were good once
And I'll hold on to those memories
But we're nothing but toxic now
And I don't know what to do with that

The vocals scream into my ears, you'd think my thoughts would bend in rage.
Instead a sudden peace crosses over, engulfing me wholly in a blanket of relief.
The lyrics take me to a place of calm. No chaos in the world I now reside.
It's as though everything reaches a halt. All feelings are vaporized.
The music slowly pulls them away with the wind. And I'm left with relief.
Then the music quiets, the song is now ending. And the feelings return to a solid form
They fall back into my head, crushing everything in their path.
Until the beat starts again,
And the process begins once more.

My heart is damaged
Laying in a body that's been misused a few too many times;
Something even sleep can't recover.
Yet that sounds pretty good at the moment.
But the problem with that comes from the moment I slip out of consciousness,
For then I wish to never return.
And am disappointed to realize that in the morning, I have.

The cavity in my chest
Feels less empty when you're around
And maybe I utilize that fact
To heal parts of my broken soul
Without the mind-numbing effects
Of my antidepressants
I feel unnerving panic and
If I tell you then you'll leave
I wish we could skip ahead
Beyond all this confusion and heartache
To a time where we can settle down
And breathe again, together
But I know that if I skip this moment
I would lose my time with you
And even on my worst day
You make me feel whole
So even if this ends
In a way that neither of us desire
At least I had the experience of you
That'll always make my heart smile

The savior
The perfect partner
The dominant
The free spirit
The fiancé
The parental substitute
The anarchist
The sweetheart
The nice guy
All of these aspects of myself
Yet none of them are fully me
These are the roles I've fallen into
In order to match my various partners
And though all of these may be
Different components of me
None of them feels quite whole
I do not feel whole

All of these personalities
Exist on a spectrum of time and space
None interacting with any others
Each signifies a distinct point in life
Each has its own home
It's own experiences
Attitudes and viewpoints
Behaviors and habits

Yet what do I do when
Two of my contextualized selves
Decide to overlap?
When my ex who knew the fiancé
Moves back to town where I live
As does my person
Who's heard stories of the others
But who only knows the nice guy

How do I begin to heal when
I do not understand what is real
And what existed solely for others?
How do I continue to grow
When the fiancé is fighting restraints
And the nice guy is exhausted
The sweetheart does not exist
And the anarchist screams for revolution?

They seem to be fighting each other
Just to have a chance to breathe
A chance to take the wheel
A chance to control "me"
Yet who even am I?
Are all of these selves fabricated
Or are they hyperbolized aspects of me
Connectable like puzzle pieces
Into one beautiful picture?

The problem is
The picture I see is not beautiful
I'm trying to be nice to myself
But all I see and feel is darkness
I am an abomination
An evil person who cannot be trusted
A dark soul inhabiting an empty body
A person who is not a person
A human with a lack of self
It's almost like I'm not even alive
But even death would be a relief
So I can finally end the confusion
And stop hurting people along the way

It's 3:09am
I'm im the library
Desperately trying to write a research paper:
'LGBT Familes'
How fitting.
Caffeine courses through my veins
Coffee overloads my bladder
Bathroom.
I hate bathrooms.

When you have no gender
The simple act of relieving yourself becomes a chore
The heavy weight of that key decision
Chokes your lungs as you stand outside the doors
Two doors.
Men.
Women.
Not me.

The choice becomes simplified:
While I sometimes pass as a man
I often do not.
I can choose the men's bathroom
The consequence of which could end in physical violence
The same hate I explain through my essay.
The same fear that plagues my community.

The women's restroom is also an option
The consequences likely less dire than the former:
Heavy side eye and the potential of yelling.
A much safer choice.
Obviously.

Per usual, I walk into the women's room.
I take three strides inside.
Then I stop.

I've never used the men's room.
My fear of violent reactions has always won.
Yet at a time like this
How likely is it that someone is inside the men's room?

Now is my chance to face my fears.
Now I have a safe chance at peeing in peace.
In a bathroom potentially more suiting
Of my gender identity
So I turn around.
Let the door slam behind me.

Half a step into the men's room
The smell of rancid ***** hits my senses
Toilet paper liters the stalls
I have missed absolutely nothing in my years in the women's room

Women have nicer facilities
A significantly more advanced hand dryer
Cleanliness
Air freshener
Men do not have these luxuries

Now I question,
Do men not take as good of care of their bathrooms as women do?
Do the workers intentionally prioritize women's sanitation?
What causes this undeniable divide?
Is the messiness of the men's room a result of their conscious decisions?
Or simply a response to societal expectation?

Regardless,
I think I'll stick to the women's room
While I add bathrooms to my compilation
Of more discrete gender inequality

I was always the dreamer type
Falling into all the fantasies' hype.
So hopeful of what the future would bring
But you spoke of things you'd never mean.
Eyes of a child with the sun shining bright
I never believed clouds would ruin my sight.
Now here we are,
Life's just a scar;
Only a fading line that we can never get back
And soon enough we forget and lose track.
Years pass and each brings us farther away
Forgetting dreams of how coincided our lives would stay.
So long ago, long lost memories
Of just how close we both used to be.
Then one day comes along
And everything returns with lyrics of a song.
With so much emotion surfaced to feel
Your heart's scars are suddenly not so healed.
And you cry, oh how you cry
And your grandchild asks you why.
So begins the sad tragedy
Of a friendship that used to be.

A small black cloud circumvents my path as I trail through the world
He loves me, I think, for I fill his needs and provide the excess attention that he strives on
And I love him more than words can describe and, when he does not linger near, I feel lost and anxious

While the world may never understand his place in my life, I know that I could not live without him
But, one day, I'll have to
One day, my shadow will seem empty and silenced
My heart will ache with withdrawal and my ears will bleed without his sweet song

But I will keep breathing

Because the way he touched my life will last forever

While I may not always feel his soft fur along my fingertips
Or have the chance to cuddle him to sleep
I will forever love my sweet cat-son
For he has saved my life every day
With his love for life, innocence against all evils, and the sense of family he provided
Throughout my darkest days and loneliest nights
May you live eternally

I never wanted to be cliche
And wish to take my life
Over a certain individual
No matter how special they are

To me, she was everything
She meant more than air to me
Because before I met her
Life meant very little

Yes the medication helped me
To feel more empty than sad
Most days
But she was the only sunshine
In the rain storm of my life

These tears that stain my face
Burn into my skin like acid
Trailing, disintegrating
Everything from my eyes
To the deepest pits of my heart
The place only she knew

Where only she could survive
No one else deserved to see me
Not in the ways she did
The only one who could truly see
My broken soul and
my mutated heart
But still love me through it all

Now she's gone
No longer mine to hold
Or to call
Just to hear her sweet voice
Before I daze into a restful sleep
Sparkled with visions of her
Beautiful face
Those gorgeous blue eyes
That could see me
The real me
Even when I couldn't
understand it myself

I love her
And she left me

She is my life
Was my life
The only one who meant anything
To my ****** up heart.
And now I feel nothing.

How are you still here?
Are you locked in a maze of my memories?
Trying franticly to escape and
screaming your way into consciousness

New pills but the same tunes
It’s been so long and yet some days

It feels like I’m still trapped

In the personal hell you constructed for me

You owned not only the key
Nor the concrete windowless walls
Nor the velvet-thick darkness surrounding me
as I begged for you to let your light in again
but you owned me too

You didn’t even need chains to keep me there
My heavy heart held me down more than any metal could
I can’t even say I escaped
Because you

let me go

Twice

Both times reopening the deadbolts to call me back
And obediently I came crawling in

And then you shoved me out again
This time without warning

The light burned my eyes and my skin
My hands bled as I scratched at the door
Tears choking all the words back to my stomach
And when I couldn’t feel anything anymore
I grabbed a knife

and carved a map into my skin
Desperately waiting for you to call me back again
But you didn’t

And I’d like to say that I’m ok now
That you no longer torture me
But I’m not.
And you still do.

Of course she helps
I swear someone sent an Angel
And I’m not worthy of her
But she still loves me
And I’m terrified that one day
my demons will tear through her wings
just like you tore through my heart
And though she helps mend it again

It will never be whole again

Because you stole a piece for your own sick collection.

I know you don’t trust me

And I wouldn’t normally either

But for once I am certain in my own emotions

Because I can count the number of poems

I’ve written for anyone else

On a single hand

And yours could fill a novel

You cannot exactly describe a person's laugh
to those unfortunate enough to miss it, but
when she smiles
and her eyes brighten up, rippling sapphire,
nothing else exists.
The sweet, tuneful melody escaping her lips draws
a smile onto my face, no matter what my mood.
I feel her body shake beside me, and I watch her perfect smile,
outlined with natural temptation.

While perfection may never exist,
love lies within this girl, and
to me, that love is perfect.
Her eyes reflect a better me, and in her
heartbeat, I feel a piece of myself
as we become one in each other's
arms. That embrace that always
leads the way back
to sanity and incomprehensible peace.

I can feel myself melting
My skin sinking in
My heartbeat is nauseating
And my thoughts fall like lead
Everyone's questions echoing
Their thoughts highlight the obvious
If this air burns my lungs
Why do I keep breathing it?
If this fire scorches my feet
Why keep taking steps?
Maybe I love the sweetness of pain
Maybe it hydrates my soul
Maybe chaos is so familiar
I built it's home in my heart
Like a dark wine, intoxicating
This joy is but an illusion
One taste never enough
To reach satisfaction
If I know I can be good
Why are the choices so difficult?
Why does kindness feel like pain
And pain feel like home?

I think I'm afraid to lose you
Which is extremely ironic
Considering I'm the one who left
See I don't mean "lose you"
As in lose you from my life
I think it's more about your approval
Your desire
Your intensity
Your love
I want to be wanted and yes I know
It's super ******* up
I wish I understood it more myself
See, on a conscious level
I know I don't need you and that
I am not responsible for your choices
I am not involved in your life
And quite frankly I shouldn't be
Considering the mess my mind's in
Maybe my brain hasn't yet realized
That I've been without you for a year
And I've been doing fine
Maybe I only see my value
Reflected in the opinions of others
So I seek everyone's desire
Instead of my own acceptance
I don't understand
I wish I did
I wish I had the answers
Maybe one day this will all make sense
Maybe one day I won't be so sick
Maybe one day I can be me
Without fear
Without worry
Without anxiety
I just want to be happy
I just want to be free
I just want to be me
And know what that means

When I close my eyes
I am consumed by darkness
I can feel the tide spiralling
Pulling me down into it's depths
A tornado twisting and grasping
I am no longer in control
I have become one with choas
One with the shadows
It's like noise is everywhere
But I'm underwater
Muffled voices slither past me
Garbled tones swimming
I know it's there but
To me it means nothing
Nothing is real and
I am one with everything
Until I open my eyes
There's too much concrete
I am here once again
Awakened in emptiness

Out among the trees
The only place I feel like me
No pressure to please
Nothing pushing conformity
The rocks and the soil
Allow me to pass by kindly
The trees and their leaves
None of them judge me
I lay my palms to their bark and
I feel all of their energies
Together they collide with mine
They share this life with me
I respect the power in nature
And I don't wish to control it
So alone I roam through the forest
But I am never lonely
And whenever I'm feeling lost
I know I'm never too far away
I can go get lost in the green
To find myself again

My stomach is in swirls and
Soon my heart follows too
For some unknown reason
I can be myself with you
Getting high on the bed
Getting high off each other
After we spend two nights together
I still want another
Your eyes are like oceans
Whose depths I crave knowing
I see waves and storms
And I want you to show me
I want to listen to your truth
All the pieces of you
I know life isn't easy
I've got demons too

This darkness encompasses me
As it claws up my spine
Digging it's nails between each vertebrate
Until it can slither between my ribs
Moving so smoothly
Like a slow, deliberate dance
Stability and chaos
Intertwining, touching
Darkness against light
A beautiful poison
Ripping holes in my lungs
Like acid on skin it eats away
At the soft tissues
Holding myself together
Carefully destroying
The portions of myself
That try to keep living
As each inhale enters
My body grips the fresh air
Refusing to release it
As my emptiness is filled with air
Pushing out all feelings with
The warmth of blood
And keeping me calm with
The sweet promise of death

I thought I lost the best part of me
When you walked out so easily
Now I realize that you leaving
Saved the deepest part of my sanity
You tortured my mind and made me sick
I'm ****** in the head from all your ****
I wasn't wrong to love you
No, I was wrong to stay
But I know in my heart that
You'll regret it one day

Cause you broke me down
And destroyed my heart
I gave you my all
Now I want out!
You left so long ago but
Left this curse on me
I'm finding escape
In **** I don't believe
But What else can I do
When I never ******* sleep

The years of these blades
And the gallons of poison
In no way compare
To the place you have me in
Conditioned my mind
To sensor my thoughts
Just to avoid
The brutal nights when we fought
And I was never enough
It was always the same
Even when you ****** up
I was always to blame

Cause you broke me down
And destroyed my heart
I gave you my all
Now I want out!
You left so long ago but
Left this curse on me
I'm finding escape
In **** I don't believe
But What else can I do
When I never ******* sleep

All those nights spent alone
When I needed you most
Should have been enough
To convince me to go
But no, I stayed with you
Did whatever you'd say
I became your slave
Your personal outlet every ******* dayy
Ugh

*******! For all that you did to me
*******! For the haunting memories
They're burning my heart
And plaguing my mind
You cannot escape what you cannot unwind

You said you loved me
***** you don't know how to love
You only play your childish games
And run away when life gets rough
Ugh

Cause you broke me down
And destroyed my heart
I gave you my all
Now I want out!
You left so long ago but
Left this curse on me
I'm finding escape
In **** I don't believe
But What else can I do
When I never ******* sleep

Butterflies swarm in my lungs
Crawling along the walls of my insides
Spiraling air into currents
That chill me to my bone until I'm shivering
Whenever you look at me
With those beautiful ocean eyes
And a smile that could save the world
You send a storm of wings and rainbows
Throughout my body until
I can no longer breathe
But I'd rather suffocate as you take my breath away
Than live another empty day of not feeling

It took a few months
Before I knew I was ready
Once, I wanted you to touch me
But after the physical excitement faded
I knew I needed more time first
It's the longest I've waited
I needed to know how I felt about you
Before *** interfered with that
It wasn't about physical gratification for me
Though my body appreciated it too
I knew I wanted to share that intimacy with you
To be vulnerable in the the barest of forms
I wanted to give you all of me
Emotionally and physically
It felt different in the best way
And I still don't know what to call it
"*******" is too emotionless
"***" is too
But "making love" is too odd a phrase for me
But it could've been
Before, I was scared
(another first)
But in the moment I wasn't
Kissing you felt natural
Without the pressure of hyper-sexuality
It felt real and raw
Unlike anything I've had before
It's always been too physically focused
I'm used to the roughness
Used to the pleasure in pain
But you were so gentle
It felt different but I loved it
Because it was so you
Your touch and your heart
Gentle, kind, genuine, good
The things I'm usually into
I can't say I want to do with you
Because even though they're good and consensual
They may come from a place of darkness
And I wouldn't want to taint your gorgeous light

Splinters of glass rip through my chest
I can feel my heart breaking and I know it's a mess
Grief fills my lungs with liquid, like swimming pools for my emotions
I wonder what's the right decision, when everything feels so broken
Some days it's hard to stay, but leaving would tear me to shreds
Back and forth and back again, until theres nothing left
See, I know enough of humanity, to trust I'd learn to breathe again
But the thought alone is devastating, like losing a piece of me instead
I have thoughts so problematic, I will only tell one person
Because if I'm honest I'm kind of messed up, holding sins inside me like organs
My cards tell me three's a party, which means I'm the odd one out
The universe once gave me hope and peace, but now she feeds me doubts

Where do we go from here?
Your unquestionable feelings
Have cause a rift in my heart
And a bigger one in my trust
Of course I still love you
But I'm angry
Months of you lying about your feelings
And maybe you didn't know about them
Until that playlist of your old songs
Ignited something inside you again
But that doesn't change the fact that they're there
That you're questioning whether to stay or go
And still lying that you don't want him

I made a playlist the other week
It bleeds with the sound of us

All those songs you loved
Whether I liked them or not

I listen to them every night
Crying myself to sleep through this pain

Anyone would think I'm crazy
To keep doing this to myself

But the songs echo in my brain
Whether they play out loud or not

And I shouldn't get to live freely
After hurting you so badly

So I'll slowly **** myself with this sadness
And the physical pain of this heartbreak

My chest aches
And my lungs scream

These sobs choke every last breath
And the sounds send me away

Lost in the memories of us:
Driving in your car across the bridge listening to the Killers
Up in your town for Christmas vibing to Grace VanderWaal
Singing different parts to the acapella beauty of Pentatonix
Rocking along to the song we said we'd sing at our wedding

I'm afraid that I can't face life without you
I'm afraid of myself
And I'm afraid for it to snow

Because then the memories won't be just in my head

You'll be everywhere
More than you already are

And I could be dead.

You stepped up when I was alone,
Lost in the dark from following a fool.
You gave me a new light to follow.
Made me stronger.
I gave you my heart, i trusted it in your hands.
So you took it and broke it yourself once again.

My body sinks smoothly
Into the curves of your mattress
As I wait for you to crawl in beside me
Among the clouds we shift repeatedly
Apparently soft beds don’t promote cuddling

Netflix plays in the background
Some standup comedy for background noise
But we are not here to chill

The lining of your bra creeps from beneath your crop top
Black lace against your pale skin
And my fingertips can’t help but graze the intricate designs
And trace the edges along your soft skin

While I always think you’re ****
I am not trying to ****** you
I simply cannot get over
How someone can be so perfect
And how so many ****** humans
Could look at you
and touch you
Hear you
and connect with you
Yet somehow couldn’t love you.

But I’m also glad they didn’t
Because I could do this forever.

Butterflies flew through my limbs
Tickling the bone as they land
And chocking my lungs until

I can’t breathe.

So what a beautiful day
When I can allow them to fly freely
between our lips

at contact.

You ask what I’m thinking so
I pull you to the side and
Lean against you and

Nothing.

Where have those butterflies gone?
Did the poisons in my body destroy them?
Did they spawn from the sick feeling of the forbidden?

Why am I so broken?

You ask me how I feel and I panic
So I avoid the question
I don’t have the heart to tell you I didn’t

I don’t know why I feel so empty.

And worse,
That makes my problem more complicated
Because with her I feel the same nothingness
But we live together.
So I am no longer choosing between
Who I love more or who I feel with
Because I feel nothing but
Excitement in dead places for one

I am so broken that even that will leave
Eventually
So what do I do when
There’s two lives on the line

I can choose you and
Keep your heart beating
Or I can choose her and
Keep my comfortable life

Or I can choose myself
And move out into the world alone
But I am so afraid to be alone
So afraid to feel

Because what if I feel this way
Due to the mental blockades I’ve built to protect myself?
What if real, raw emotions live in my heart
But can’t escape through the chains?

Yet, what if I leave and
Find another you who
Seems to have it all

Until our lips meet

And I feel

nothing?

They say the problem is me
Hidden under lock and key
Secure from the world,
Safe from the pain.
But the chains on my heart choke the life out of my soul
Leaving my lungs gasping for something more
Something worth saying
Something with some meaning.
But alas the silence remains.
A broken girl behind a crooked smile
A sincere laugh, but only for a moment.
Claiming not to care
Yet a question whispers through the air of each night spent alone.
How can they tell me to let people in,
When there's no one around to see that the door's been left wide open?

Cold Coca Cola at midnight,
Steaming showers and dripping floors,
Meeting her lips in the morning,
And holding her close like I adore.
Surviving without judgement,
And talking without censors,
Absorbing every moment,
Knowing it may not last forever.

Never is it flawless:
Sometimes mistakes call to fights,
But with patience and understanding,
Broken words can mend by night;
Kissing away the burning tears,
And sacrificing time to stay,
Hugging through the creeping fears,
But knowing tomorrow brings a new day.

And never before
Would I have allowed someone this close,
And I know in my heart,
I never want to let this girl go.

Alone I ponder of how life works,
Giving me exactly what I've wanted
Then taking it away just as quickly.
Now, miles away, I still think of that night;
Things made sense for a moment.
In the dark, music playing,
We didn't have to say much.
For we knew how we felt together:
Alive.
As our lips met i couldn't help but smile,
I felt it in my heart.
And I don't feel much anymore.

When I fell in love for the first time
She became my world
But more than that she become a part of me
She was my lungs
She kept me breathing
And cut my air supply as she pleased
And when we broke up I couldn't breathe

I gasped for air on my own for the first time in forever
But nothing came
Clawing at my chest as the pain grew stronger
Begging for air to return
But she was gone
and I felt suffocated for years

Slowly I learned to breathe on my own again
Forcing the air into my body
Often against the wishes of my newly independent *****

When my new love came along
I still struggled at times but I knew I could never trust another with that kind of power ever again
So when it feels as though I do not love her as much as the first
I have to remind myself that although she helps me breathe easy
I've never let myself rely on her so severely as my first
I could never make that mistake again
Because I know that losing a part of me again
Will take all the strength I have left
And none will remain to live