Our smiling faces plastered across my phone screen
Looking back now, I can see the facade
I can too easily distinguish
Those smiles that were real from the ones as fake as the heart I gave you
I feel slight sadness when I see your face
We were together for two years
But they were full of confusion and lies
And I'm genuinely sorry for that
You deserve better than that
Better than me

And then there's the more recent breakup
I didn't even look at the pictures before I deleted them
And I'm sorry I'm so heartless
But we really shouldn't have happened
I wasn't ready to date again and
I didn't know me
So how could I expect you to understand?
But you were good, we just weren't meant to be
I regret it only because I hurt you so much
And I know you're still hurting
I'm sorry I wasn't the one
And that I can't help you anymore

Now, I look at the only picture I have with my love
And I imagine staring at it if we were to ever split
It breaks my heart to even consider it
This is real love
This is the most genuine feeling I've ever felt in my life
Because I love you more than words will ever explain
And if you chose to leave
My entire universe would crumble beneath me
My feet would fall between the crumbling rock
Breaking my legs as I slip down
Until I'm stuck in a lonely abyss
And I hate to admit how strongly I feel
And how much I truly crave forever
Because my past is full of skeletons
And I know I deserve to hurt the way I hurt them
But you are nothing shy of perfect
The brightest light I've ever had the privilege to witness
And how you love me
I'll never know
But I will revel in every second
Because you are the stars
The moon
The entire galaxy
To me

My fingers lace through yours
Even though it's new it feels like home
We're surrounded by crowds
But I can only see you
When you reach for my hand
My heart drops into my lungs
A contact so simple
Yet it seems to change everything
Chaos twists into calm
Anxiety transcends to joy
Right now nothing else matters
Just heartbeats and soft skin
You, me
And nothing in between

When I was small
I hoped to be just like my brothers
I didn't see gender differences then
I wanted to play the same sports
To join in on family football games
I wanted to be one of the boys too
Take my shirt off
Run the ball down the road
Play in the mud
Maybe I just wanted to be included
And maybe I saw them as the cool kids
Looking back now
It seems much more telling

Those nights when I feel like dying
No escape from my sadness or from myself
When you're supposed to be there
When you were supposed to care.
I figured you knew me well enough by now
To be able to notice when I'm losing it
Just laying here, wishing on a star
That something will come put an end to it all.
It hurts me to know that I truly don't know
That even you fall with those I shouldn't trust..
Because I tell you about everything
And find out you're returning nothing.
I feel so alone here and I can't cope
All these emotions to untangle
Surrounded by others with no one to confide in
And then to realize i might be losing my best friend.
If there's such a thing as crazy
Well then I'm well past insane
And if you need me, that's great
But, unfortunately, it's too late.

Closing my eyes so tightly that my temples begin to throb
The space above my eyes starts burning but I force them farther down.

I feel like I've just had a brick to my face as my nose begins to sting with the built up pressure.
But it's still not dark enough.

Hat down past the doors I'm holding shut
They never came with a lock.
I want to see the type of darkness I feel inside but
All I feel is burning
My eyes won't close enough to really see it
And even 6 feet under wouldn't be dark enough.

I want to write
To feel my feelings freely
Spilling from the edge of my lips
Pouring across my bare skin
Inch by inch
I pray for waves
Drowning my body endlessly
Chaotic and
Entirely free
Naturally

Til then I settle for this
Drip by aching drip
Breaking up this fierce drought
Plagued by emptiness
I can feel something's missing
But I know I'm getting closer
Closer to understanding
Closer to becoming whole
Closer to seeing me

As the river whispers louder
And the air grows more humid
I continue on this path to freedom
Moment by moment
Word by word
Feeling by feeling
Until I am submerged completely
And still breathing

I crave to build a home
But I push everyone away
I want to set up a foundation
But every time I set it ablaze
I want something ethereal
But I ruin everything I touch
I want what doesn't exist
But I keep ignoring the rough
I want to stop running
But it's like I'm stuck on repeat
I want to give up
But I also can't stomach defeat
I want to let go of this life
Some days just feel like too much
I want you to "love" me
But I know even that won't be enough

What if I made a mistake?
What if my lack of feeling in general
Led me to make rash decisions
That threw away the possibility of an amazing future
What am I feeling?
I think I'm afraid
I'm so scared
This is regret
No matter how hard I try to deny it
The panic I feel in response to our memories
May be my terror in the potential of making an error
What if I didn't feel because I'm ****** up?
What if it wasn't you?
And it was actually me the whole time?
Or am I just scared of the unknown now?
Of the fact that I have no plan anymore?
That I'm alone and don't know what the future holds?
Because with you it was so easy
We would finish school
Then move away from this city of fear
What if we could have been happy?
What have I done?
I told my therapist that if I could go back I would've taken more time to figure out my feelings and make a decision
But I claimed it wasn't regret that I was feeling
But what if it is?
I'm too far into this mess to change anything now
You're so far away now
And after all I've done
There's no hope for forgiveness
There's no chance at our future
What am I doing?
I'm so afraid
I need help
I'm so scared
We were happy once
What if I'm just so broken
That I threw away both our lives
And another one too
Out of fear
My therapist says it was the feelings not the walls that led me here
But all I feel now is fear
And sadness
And emptiness
How can I trust myself when I can't even label my own emotions?
I'm so sorry
I'm so sorry
This hurts so much
I'm so scared
I'm sorry

Bodies swim around us in this endless crowd
Faceless faces twisting and turning to find a place to stay
Vibrations of bass shiver through our spines
And intricate guitar riffs drown out all conversation

I look into your eyes and suddenly everything surrounding us
Begins to fade into nothingness
A black film embodies us and
I only see you
and those stunning, chocolate-rich eyes

Your fingertips trace my cheek
Sending an electric current through my entire body
I no longer feel anything
Nothing except for you
And the beautiful way you study my countenance

Your beautiful smile takes my breath away
Our lips touch and suddenly a power surge
All lights, sounds, sensations cease
All that's left is you and me

My heart seems to beat to the pace of your breath
Rapid, then pausing for a moment
As we become one in our empty world
Troubling thoughts and overthinking all dissipate into an energy between us,
So fierce that words limit our expression of it

So we don't speak, we wrap into one another
Without questioning where we go
Our safe abode where nothing else exists
We simply float through this abyss together
Until we open our eyes and return

To the lights, to the drums,
To the screams, all those people that slowing resume their places
As if we never left at all
But they don't know our world
Can't see how we escape
You are the key to this perfect place
Our own little taste of paradise

I can't seem to find the words to describe the way I feel
When I see you there
As if I don't even exist anymore.
You won't say a word to me, wont even give a sideways glance in my direction.
Our worlds no longer merge
Everything has changed.
I see you and I can't help but wonder if you revisit the memories that flash through my head every day.
It's out of my control.
I no longer exist
There is nothing now.
I am nothing now.

It's quiet as the world beyond my window moves forward.
Leaving me behind, frozen in my state of mind.
The clouds are passing over, crawling across the sky.
I'm watching slowly, waiting to see what i can find.
Tall trees, branches scratching upon the glass
Yet still silence succums the open space that surrounds me.
My lack of strength overrides the will to move.
Joining the world is but a dream, fading by the minute.
Empty thoughts and a damaged heart
Leave me exhausted, far exceeding my limits.

At the edge of a cliff
My heart sprints like a bullet
My arms tremble impatiently
Waiting for my decision
Do I stay on solid ground
Where the illusion of safety is a blanket
Only faintly covering
The truth of impending doom?
Or do I dive into the unknown
Hoping to splash into water
And avoid the jagged land?

Soft lips and sharp breaths
My fingers run through your hair
Body to body
Heartbeat to heartbeat
I can't help but feel
This is where we're meant to be
Guided by the universe
We've reached a space where
Quiet, calm, and peace
Bloom from a simple touch

Bring me to life
Let in the light
Free my tormented soul
As I wait,
Alone with this empty horizon.

Slowly, but surely
Loneliness fades as the mountains rise up to meet me
Billowing above
Silhouetted across the sky
Stoic and unmoving
Their life runs so deeply across the earth
Without the posions of fear and hate
To disrupt their simplicity
And their complexity
They are pure existence
And this moment is everything
So I join them.

Air coats my throat and fills my lungs
Allowing the vibration of energy
Radiating from all that surrounds me
To dance across my skin
Through my body and
Into my bloodstream

I am by myself on this road
But I cannot feel lonely
Every inch of nature that surrounds me
Has invited me into their energy
Into their space and sense of freedom
Pure acceptance
No judgement
From the wisps of white dancing through blue shades of infinity
To the neverending marathon of greenery, fields and shrubs jog to the edge of forever
I cannot be alone
As my heartbeat joins the rhythm of the universe

First, ink and tree leaves
      Fresh or processed, it works nonetheless
seek a tranquil abode
      And allow creativity to flow through throbbing veins
lock the doors, close your eyes,
      Trap yourself in your consciousness
no escape for the wicked and divine
      Allow the fear of yourself to boil,
the image of her that burns behind your eyes to scald you,
      And the anticipatory chills to soak your entire body.
let them twirl and collide
      Car collisions, fists against walls
face these lost horrors living in the depths of your mind
      Tickle the subconscious,
drifting enough to dream,
      But awake enough to feel the lightening of this storm.
tease and ****** it until it claws for an escape
      Poke and ****, burn it to squirm
the perfect result will be worth the torture.
      Then, at the peak of destruction
when it’s nearing death and combustion
      Release it onto the whiteness of the page
tarnishing it, impure.

2 weeks it's been
Immersed in this world of open love
Such a short time to spend
But my heart feels so liberated

No longer trapped by the confines of one
A sole opportunity to share, give and express my love
Now I can let my feelings come undone
Within the safety and boundaries of mutual respect

My lovers, almost three
Each offer a unique chance
To share this love and feel free
This love is a beautiful thing

I did not anticipate this formation
I did not set out a number of partners to seek
I entered this with no expectations
And it happened to grow this way on its own

I love each person uniquely
No mutual exclusion, no impact
Each love forms and runs deeply
Individually, yet always connected through love

I am constantly checking myself
When problematic thoughts enter my mind
Or negative feelings originate in
The messed up ways I've been socialized to think

I do not wish to own anyone or anything
Yet sometimes possessive thoughts plague me
I must remind myself that we are all only humans
Trying to find our best route to happiness

This one article stated that
The hardest part of polyam relationships
Lies in the negotiation between
Your and your partners' needs

So I must always remain on guard
Because the jealousy and sadness coming from within
Was bred by the broken systems we grew up in
And redefining those is a part of my resistance

Monogamy stems from the patriarchy
And sexism lies within that
Possessiveness and jealousy are not cute
They only lead to blaming others for your own inconsistencies

And I am a mess of inconsistencies

Just before college
I started dressing more masculine
Prior to that I struggled hard
With my attempts at femininity
It never felt right
I was never comfortable
And this one time
My mom walked into my room
Just as I broke down crying
Because someone thought I was hot
In a pink outfit with makeup on
They said I should wear that more often
My mom asked why I was so upset
And I couldn't explain it to her
I really didn't know
I just knew that that "compliment"
Burned into a deep portion of my soul
It hurt me so intensely
Because some part of me knew
That the person in that photo
Was not me

A promise is nothing.
It means nothing,
anymore.
Only spoken words,
no emotion.
Like your fingers are crossed behind your back and you could care less.
You can lie so easily now.
To your friends, to my face.
Does sincerity mean anything to you?
With your fake sympathy
And broken stories
As if you could understand me.
You can't.
You won't.
I promise you that.
Or does that make it a challenge?

Ever wonder what someone's sadness feels like?
Ever really see that there's a huge difference between theirs and your own?
What you understand as depression, may only be a blue day for another.
I suppose that's why we can't relate to all poetry,
Or truly understand much of it,
To its cold point.

How can we be predispositioned in good,
While surrounded by so much evil?
Call it human nature;
No such thing as corruption,
Instead it's all about purification.
Daily struggles, testing our patience and ability to remain on a steady path.
Each successful decision resulting in a step closer to personal sublimation.

So what if dreams are reality,
And reality is just the dream?
Who's to say life is what it seems,
And that dreams are only mental representations of our inner desires?
Life's a withdrawal and dreams are the drugs that stop it,
Yet equally prolong it.
Then you wake up again.

Thoughts surrounding thoughts, leaving no room for simplicity.
Drowning in doubt, no such thing as positivity.
At first the world seems sweet, handing you everything, with dignity.
But as each day moves forward, you lose your grasp on serenity.
It moves not steady, but with no predictability.
So it's time to say goodbye to hopes and dreams and say hello to reality.

Looking back I can see when I gave up
It was when she broke a promise she made me
And my friend told me
"If you can get over [that] I think you guys will be ok"
And I believed him
Because I wanted to believe it was my fault
That I could fix this
That I somehow ****** up
That I could change and bring us back
And make her love me again
But you can't bring back what was never there

I am transfixed
Held in place by chains of anxiety
I have gouged their hooks deep into my chest
As if their restraint could keep me safe
Believing the lies that they whisper
That beauty can still grow in a life without risk
But healing has taught me well
Not to trust sermons built from trauma
I can see this trap I've built myself into
And I ask the Universe to guide me through it

It's been over a year now.
We're set to meet at 11
It's 10:55.
I'm frozen in my car
While I want nothing more than to be friends again
I'm terrified.
What if we're different now?
It's been so long.
But I know there's only one way to really find out
So I'll go inside and find a seat
And wait.

Freedom
In the cold breeze
Perched high on the icy stone
Snow glazed lakes spanning for miles
I feel at home
At peace
This is my element
I could touch to tops of trees
And breath unpolluted air
Careful steps to prevent slipping
And falling prey to the beauty of nature
The danger
The peace
The passion
I love it all
I am home
At last

Recovery is a long and painful process.
Its a lengthy, twisting, one way road.
It is not fair, life never is.
You need to accept that that is just the way it goes.
Broken hearts, they will never shatter even.
We were so close until the day she said she was leaving.
It was so easy for her to let us go.
She left me here alone and why I still don't know.
She thought I would be broken, as soon as she was gone.
Now it's time for me to prove that she had thought wrong.
Yes I cared about her; she had said she cared about me.
Those were empty words, burdened with all the lies that I now see.
It was far too perfect that I should have known it could never be true.
It hurts even after so much time; my recovery is beyond overdue.
I was blindsided; she always knew exactly the right words to say.
She made my heart race and I had never considered the chance that she would just walk away.
I wish I had known what she had planned to do.
Because she only proved why trusting people is not what I should do.
Now there are no more lies and I’m no longer waiting.
No more time of mine is she taking.
I am so done; I wasted so much of my time.
All on a girl who couldn’t even consider mine.
My heart still stands, as if it was never broken.
It is as strong as her lies, so easily spoken.
But the time I had with her I will never regret.
She taught me a few lessons that I will not soon forget.
The first thing I learned is to not trust someone with your heart,
Because in the end, it will likely end up ripped apart.
Then there’s lesson two, and this comes from a different part;
Do not be with someone if you already know you’re going to break their heart.
I’m done lying to myself and not completely accepting me.
It only took a broken heart and then the recovery.

Pen and pencil residue
Scribbled across a crumpled page
My words
His words
Yours
What do they all mean?
Still they make me feel things
Tears staining old papers
Not sure where these thoughts come from
It's been a long time now
Though it feels like just yesterday
These empty vibrations we put out back then
Still find a way to reach me now
This sting will last an eternity
Unless I throw it all away
And let the memories fade

May I remove these hooks from my heart
Dislodge ice-hot metal from burning flesh

May the air rush through these wounds
A fresh breath, painful and promising

May I feel the emptiness in freefall
As the universe guides me into the unknown

May these holes built of loss and longing
Transform into refuge for peace and calm

I know that a life in chains isn't living
As I know letting go requires faith

May I find the courage to break away from painful familiarity
And to fall into the terrifying freedom of oblivion

So sweet, innocent, divine
A gorgeous face and a beautiful mind
Like her, your words steal my attention
Intriguing my mind to seek your affection
And like she did, you notice my charm
Quite unusual, yet satisfyingly warm
No surprise that our conversations run deep
And even late at night we don't always sleep
Do I see the parallels, plaguing my vision
To mirror you closely to my last proposition?
Are the warning signs blazing?
The sirens screaming?
They don't warn to discontinue
Simply to ensure great caution too
Different, very much, you seem
Yet there she sits, haunting my dreams
And the similarities are enough to compare
(But I wonder if they're ficticious or truly there)
I know that I'm crazy,
no doubt my mind's reeling
But I'm also so broken
That I'm afraid to start feeling.

I don't get what you see
Maybe I'll never understand.
But you don't get it either.
When I look in the mirror
It isn't me
There is no me.
You see strength,
I see nothing.
I'm dying inside,
You believe the mask I wear.
You think you know me
But how could you?
When I don't even know myself.

As I picture myself in the future
Through years of HRT
Small glimmers of excitement
Reflect off the walls of my heart
I rarely feel excitement these days
So this instance is important
I picture ****** hair and muscles
A deepened voice ands flat chest
The physical changes excite me
It's the social ones that scare me
I cannot imagine having male privilege
I cannot imagine not feeling objectified
I cannot imagine being read as a man
I was raised in a position of oppression
I am constantly stared at and made into
Nothing more than the prospect of my genitals
And yet,
One day,
It will no longer be that way
I'll just look like a basic white boy
And they'll have no idea
Except that I will not stay silent
I will not hide in the shadows
I am transmasculine and nonbinary
And I refuse to remain invisible

Silence surrounds                                                        ­    The sun still shines
but loneliness cannot exist                                               on this perfect day
Not in a place                                                            ­            except, too often,
where time never quits.                                                       no children play.
It's unfortunate                                                      ­                 The empty park
that bit by decaying bit                                                    beyond these walls
our generations keep                                                             cries in memory
losing grip.                                                            ­             of laughs and falls.
It's a terrifying thought that                                                             ­ But wait,
when asked "what time is it?"                      does hope approach at dawn?
it'll seem foreign and insane                               He pauses to finish a text..
to glance at my wrist.                                                    And then he is gone.

Years sprawl backwards
Across the baren hills behind me
From this distance I see more clearly
The tangled knots of pain I tied so tightly
Trying to lock away the burn of loss
Trying to hide the sting of caring
The intricate dance of ropes
Gently cascading together
The ache is all connected
All the hurt melded into one system
Across the landscape of my history
Too many years pretending I didn't care
So much time spent shielding my eyes
Filling the space with distractions and
Convincing myself that I had to do life alone
Abandoning myself and my people
Under the false pretense of self-sufficiency
I traded showing up with vulnerability
For empty space and loneliness
Feelings I could hide and fill instead
Of risking rejection from those I love
I've cut connections with a blade
So sharp and unnecessary
Instead of trying to hold and support them
Knotting the end like a clean cut
When there's nothing clean about loss
Ignoring the burn like I didn't care
Until years later I can't run from it anymore

Back home for the first real time in 10 years
There's nowhere left to hide
The ropeburn aches across my limbs
Leaving tattered patterns along my skin
Now I'm trying to live inside the fire instead
Not running or hiding from the truth anymore
If I want to grow beyond burns and flames
Then I have to feel through all the pain

The red parallels that lined my arms
Have now faded to white
You'd think they'd give me hope again
But I can barely stand this life

I miss the blood running down my skin
Staining my lifeless limbs
Bringing my distorted insides out
Those demons pouring from deep within.

I hope this is the last set of letters
Because I am so tired
Of hanging onto these things that
Happened so long ago now
And allowing other people
To have this type of control over me
I love myself now and
That really is an amazing thing
I didn't even like myself back then
I couldn't even comprehend the idea
That I could care about myself this way
And that's exactly the reason
Why all of these past occurrences
Suffocate my thoughts so much
Because I cannot fathom how
People who claimed they loved me
Could treat me the way they did
How I could let them
Use me and
Abuse me and
Manipulate me to such a degree
Where I stayed in those conditions
For much longer than I should have
The reason I haven't let go yet
Has nothing to do with my exes
It has to do with the ways in which
I allowed important people
Those who I shared love and a life with
To hurt me so deeply
It is not about the people
It is not about their names
It is not even about the individual love
It is solely about me and
The love I carry for myself now
And my own inability to comprehend
How I could hurt myself so much
By letting other people
Actively hurt me so much

They think I'm not eating
That must explain why
They keep trying to feed me.
I think they feel
My more pronounced hip bones
When leaning in to hug me.
Close up they may notice
How my clothes hang much looser now.
Do my arms look less filled in?
Have my cheeks began to cave?
Probably not.
Don't worry about me.
I'll be fine.
My stomach feels better now,
Although it's begun to burn more often,
But I don't care.
Because the closer I get to dying
The more I feel alive

What would you do,
If you knew,
You were what's killing your best friend?

I feel so torn
I love them a lot
Except I feel like
I can't love them as freely as I want to
Because they remind me of an ex
I want so desperately to let go of
I want to move on with my life
And to love them entirely for them
Without the ripples of her
Skating across my perception
I feel trapped in my mind sometimes
Living through past memories
That only make me feel sadness now
And I wonder if that closure I seek
Can occur if I can forgive myself
For hurting her so much
How can I take responsibility and
Embrace my faults and mistakes
While also forgiving myself for them?
Forgive myself for hurting her?
Especially after realizing that
My emotional unavailability caused it
And I understand that I must remain compassionate
And I must accept the things I cannot change
It's just hard not to shame myself
When the blame fits so perfectly
In the palms of my hands

I just want to ride,
Far or near,
By your side,
And away from here.

Driving to nowhere,
In our own sweet time;
Arriving to unknown somewheres,
With your hand in mine.

We'll forget the rest of our town,
While we go into the stars.
After we watch the sun go down,
From the hood of your car.

With that crisp summer air,
And your face shining in the light,
Not a worry or care,
Our old lives out of sight.

Thoughts spiraling, so endlessly
Spinning me in circles until I'm blind
Back and forth and back again
Until I don't know what's real anymore.
My brain whispers lies like sweet nothings
Telling me we'll never be what I need
That I'm dumb to want you this much
That I'll always be nothing real to you.
Sometimes I know the thoughts are lying
We talk about it and I promise I believe you
But the doubts are convincing too
And you can always find the evidence you look for.
I just want my brain to stop and slow down
I sow the seeds of my own misery along synapses
I can't imagine the strain this puts on your heart too
And I never wanted to cause you any pain.
My brain tells me I should just run away
That leaving could be best for you and for me
But I love you more than I've ever known
And running won't solve anything.
This well-worn path runs deep into my soul
Over and over again, in pain and in fear
I know they're all a part of the same problem
And I promise I'm fighting to find a way through this.

I feel alive when I'm with you
And that scares me to death
When we're together I know I'm quiet
But it's not being stuck in my head
It's an intense shift in emotion
An entirely new headspace
I don't feel this way with others
Your energy alone brings me peace
Being with you is all encompassing
Braiding my body, emotions, and soul
A beautiful collision of colors
Where all of me meets all of you
Wrapping around each other
As the whole world is quiet
Those moments are everything
I love you more than I've ever known

You should know,
That every time I see you talking about him,
Or see a picture of you kissing him,
I get frustrated.
Because I know who you really are;
You do too.
And I know you love me.

No one else knows about us,
Not the way we really are,
Not the true emotion behind it all.
We're our own kind of crazy,
Because you won't admit the truth to anyone,
Except for me.

So when you're kissing him,
I just hope you can feel the difference.
Because if I recall correctly,
Before that night we spent together,
You claimed you'd never felt more like yourself,
More alive.

I made you see who you really are,
And I know that scared you more than ever.
But I still just don't understand,
Why you keep trying to change,
Complaining every time he hurts you,
Because it's always the same.

Yet you know I'd never hurt you.
You know I'm different than any 'him' you've ever had.
But you keep making the same mistake.
I'm not saying I'm perfect, or even right for you.
But if you really want things to change,
Stop fighting yourself and accept it:
You're in love with a girl.

Sweet baby kitten
Veiled in black cat energy
I find home in your hazel eyes
As you share your soul with me

Wrapped into my arms
We fit together so perfectly
I'll hold you steady and safe
In our knot of sacred unity

Gentle forehead kisses
And laughing uncontrollably
I fall more in love with you
Building these sweet core memories

No thoughts are off limits
We've made safety a priority
Gay talks in blanket forts
Sharing our souls so vulnerably

Our connection is a precious gift
Grown from honor, trust, and empathy
You're all I never knew I needed
And I'll love you for all eternities

I move my hands across the skin of my wrist
It's soft, smooth; clear.
But it never used to be.
Over time, physical scars heal
Occasionally leaving behind some sort of mark.
A reminder of what was.
What used to be.
But there's nothing now.
It's as clean as it was,
Before the struggles,
Before the fight.
While the physical scars have faded,
The emotional ones never will.
Never given the chance to mend
So they won't.
As they burn deep,
It's a sad moment:
Reminders of life
Reminders of strength
Of relief
Now nonexistent.