I wanna see the blood
I wanna see the pain
I wanna prove that my body
Is nothing more than a frame
My mind is screaming
Parts of it beg me to bleed
The others demonize those pleas
I just don't want to feel this way anymore
And I suppose it's my own fault
I know how I get
When I start drinking then stop
Maybe that's why I always overdo it
Because then I can get sick and sleep
Before this depression takes its hold
And sets my demons free
Digging and clawing at my mind
Until I do the same to my own skin

Sitting in this dark room
Running from my own darkness
Drowning out this fear and pain
With cold liquor and burning nicotine

Anxiety is spiraling through my veins
And the alcohol tames it for a minute
But then again I'm drinking alone
And that itself is dangerous

My clean arms are taunting me
Begging me to stain them red
With my own hands
To coat them with my own demons

I've been clean awhile now
And I've been doing well
But some days I'm not so sure
Because the knife is always a few feet away

How do you **** something inside yourself?
How do you escape your own feelings?
I know it's unhealthy
But these substances make it easier to deal

I know I've felt happy lately
But you don't see how close
The darkness really is
Threatening my neck with every step

I am ashamed of what I've done
To you and others alike
But that's why I'm trying to change
It's why I'm growing into a better person

Believe it or not
Worrying too much about others is
At least in part
Why I've hurt so many people
I try to save these broken people
But I hurt them more in the end
Because I was listening to their desires
Without thinking about myself
Without realizing what I truly feel

Trust me for once
It isn't easy to live this life
I am not proud of my past
I am not proud of my choices
But I really am trying
I really am changing

I know you think it's too late
But there's nothing that could change
The fact that I hurt you this bad
All I can do is learn from my mistakes
And stop myself from hurting anyone else

Because even though I'm happier these days
I still hate myself for what I've done
You think I'm standing on the bones
Of the lovers who I've hurt
Just to get myself ahead
But those skeletons live in my mind
And they're not tucked nicely away in closets
They're scattered in unexpected places
Drowning me in endless flashbacks
Burning the skin where they've touched me
Their goodness destroyed by my darkness
Those memories destroy me
But I'm trying to get better

And since I can't change the past
That's all I have to hold on to

Amongst the purple clouds
My mind swims so freely
Thoughts of you are overwhelming
And my chest aches in withdrawal
From this new experience

It all feels so fast
But addictions often are
Pulsating heart
Your words alone intensify it's beat
Your touch makes it race even faster
But it also pulses deep

Even as time passes
These feelings grow more intensely
I can't imagine how that's possible
But I'm lost in this world with you
Warmth spreads through my body
As we lay in the silent darkness

This feels like peace
Our own escape from the universe
We've created our own dimension
Comprised of vulnerability and intimacy
Driven by anarchist tendencies
It feels nearly untouchable

You're my drug of choice
And I'm high on this love
Buzzing from your smile
And your laugh fuels my soul
I am finally present
In these beautiful moments with you

Our hands meet in the dark
Under the influence of these feelings
I know I could chase this high forever

"Commitment issues"
Commitment: a designated set of time
Issues: problems

So I cannot, successfully,
Designate an "appropriate" amount of time
To a relationship
Is that right?

Keep in mind,
These women enter my life
And I tell them I don't believe in marriage
And they say "that's ok"
Until it's not.

Maybe it's a comment I made
Or maybe they forgot
But something changes over time
And I am not an object
I am not some possession
That people can lay claims to
I am a human
With ever-changing needs and desires
With thoughts and feelings
And my own perception of reality

So maybe I get anxious when people
Try to put some hold on me
You chalk it up to commitment issues
What if I just don't like feeling owned?
What if I simply refuse
To let anyone remove my autonomy?

And what's even wrong with that?
Who gets to decide what is an
"Appropriate" amount of time?
Oh, wait,
That's "forever" right?
Says who?
Why should I continue to chase this
Socially-constructed dream
Of spending my entire life with one person
If that's not what makes me happy?

Trust me, I've tried for a long time
And I could never seem to find
A singular being
Who I'd willingly spend eternity with
If that even exists
And until this point
I've been unhappy most of my life
Reflecting on my failed attempts at
Happy monogamy

I am finally happy now
Free love is beautiful
It has liberated my soul
It has liberated my love
And my sense of self
For once I feel happy most days
I am focusing on myself now
Instead of pouring everything into another
I'm growing more everyday
And learning more about who I am

But you just brush that off
Saying my polyamorous identification
Is a manifestation
Of some fear of commitment
It couldn't possibly be the real me
It couldn't possibly be the way I feel happiest
Because it's not the "normal" way to desire?
It's not the logical form of love?
Or it's just different
Or it's just new
And you rejecting it within me
Means you aren't accepting me for who I am
In this moment

If that's the case
Then I don't know who you're in love with
Because this is who I am
Whether you like it
Or disagree with it
Or not
This is who I am
And I'm so over
Trying to validate
Justify
And explain myself
Just because someone disagrees with my form of loving

I didn't lie to you
Everything I said was true
At least in that moment of time
I told you back then
Even if I believed in soulmates
I don't believe in only one
If I remember right
You agreed

Our feelings thrived through 5 years
When we didn't say a word to each other
That's definitely something special
And I'm not saying my feelings have changed
But my place in life has

Yes I'm polyamorous
But that's not why we didn't work
Sure, maybe I could've tried harder
But I felt trapped and couldn't breathe
Even though we weren't close
You needed me constantly
Which was fine until the pressure caught up to me

I'm not blaming you
I was there for you 1000% at first
Then I stopped trying so hard
You thought I was giving all my attention to her
She thought I was giving all my attention to you
I should've been giving more attention to me
Because life was killing me

Working full time
And trying to survive the semester
Now add that to the balancing of two relationships
Plus an ex who acted like Jekyll and Hyde

Imagine trying to address
The intense emotions you had
Plus those of my ex
And those of my other partner
Let alone my own feelings throughout it all
That's a lot to handle
And yes I dug my own grave with it
But I figured it'd be worth it in the end

You seem to think that
I'm some unstable person who
Tears everyone down with me
But, even in these last few months
I've grown and changed so much
And I'm finally learning how to make myself happy

I stopped starving myself and joined a gym instead
I am practicing mindfulness to understand myself and the world
I learned how to talk myself down from my feelings
I finally feel comfortable being myself
Radical as **** but still sensitive
I can finally exist alone and at peace

As for believing in reconnection
It's not just 'us' involved anymore
That's where people seem to forget
Both you and my ex seem to expect
That I can't just make these decisions
Without thinking too much about the others

I understand why
You'd hope my present relationship will fail
But I've grown a lot as a person
I've learned more about myself
And what I want and need

With her there is no co-dependence
There's open communication
There's honesty and transparency
That doesn't mean it's 'better'
I am not degrading ours in any way
It does mean it's different though

So how can I reenter a relationship
That was definitely unhealthy in some ways
After realizing what healthy means?
Despite all of my love for you
Despite how much I care
We can't be more than friends right now
Because anything else would hurt us both

If our souls do meet in
Whatever world exists next
Then you can slap me silly
But right now this is what's best

I'm not the best at listening
I'm even worse at talking
Even texting is impossible these days
But poetry comes from my soul
What I fail to express regularly
Flows so easily through this medium
If you feel the same then maybe that's why we do this
It feels like a game
And maybe it appeals to the kids within us
A serious, lighthearted way to communicate
That also pushes us to write more
We were always good at testing each other

As for the memory of pancakes
I remember it a bit differently
You were trying to hold back tears
And I remained passive and cold
It's not a thought I enjoy revisiting
That entire weekend was a challenge
We pushed each other to the edge
Waiting to see who'd fall first
Clearly it was me

I was wrong in so many ways
I know that better than anyone
And maybe I should've waited
I shouldn't have left so long
But I wasn't in bed with another
I was trying to sober up enough to get home safely
Sure it was a bit excessive in time
And I'm sorry I made you wait so long
But I was a drunk mess and I couldn't get home that way

I didn't mean to take advantage of you
I didn't mean to hurt you
Obviously, I did
And still do I'm sure
But those were never my intentions
I do care for you
It's all very complicated and stressful
I wish I could make it easier for us both
But I don't haven't figured out how yet

I write a poem
You write a poem
We write to each other
In hopes that the other will read it
Hear our words
Feel our pain
And yet we don't talk about it
We don't talk at all
Except through our scripted feelings
These thoughts pour out of me
Freezing into words on a screen
But what do they mean?
What do they change?
It's ok to love someone and not be with them
But it's hard to know when that applies
And actions are trickier than words
But here we are
Putting our art
And our hearts
Out there for the world to read
For each other to see
Feeling
Loving
Thinking
And yet we don't speak

We were writers in love
And now we're writers in agony

I finally took the sweatshirt out of my car
It smells like you
Hotel linen suffocating my senses
And for a moment I'm lost
Even though we're not great together
You still run through my mind too often
The quiet nights in your dorm room
Walking along the beach together
Me making jokes in the haunted house to calm your anxiety
Talking to goats at the pumpkin farm
Even getting hyped while playing video games
You are everywhere
And I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss you
It's so conflicting because
I know we were unhappy at the end
But maybe it could've worked out
If I tried a little harder
Instead of just giving up
But I didn't know where it would go
And it wasn't healthy anymore
You wanted forever and I wasn't sure I could give you that
I'm trying so hard to live in the moment these days
Which is hard when I can't stop thinking about you
But I hope you're doing ok

You touch me so lightly
And my entire heartbeat halts
After another second
It switches into overdrive

This is not lust
Of course I want you entirely
But these sensations are fueled by my feelings
I haven't felt this way before

Of course I've loved others
And been loved by them in return
And I've been "intimate" many times
Without the actual intimacy

This is different
This is more
More than physical excitement
More than basic human instincts

I feel it in my chest
This warmth spreading through my soul
I am entirely unnerved by you
And for once I revel in the lack of control

These thoughts are suffocating
I'm trying to live in the moment
But their faces keep spinning past me
Their voices echoing in my mind
I can't handle this
Panic shocks my entire core
My limbs start to shake and I need to let it out
But I can't
My eyes remain dry and my skin stays clean
I'm stuck, as these movies clog my consciousness
Replaying all my mistakes
And our most intimate moments
Tear-stained faces burn into my vision
They make it hard to breathe
Lost in this anxiety
Most days being with you makes the darkness fade
But sometimes these demons are too strong to tame
So I try to be ok and silence the negativity
But it's hard when the feelings are trapped in my memories

There's electric energy between us
And all I want to do is kiss you
Short-circuiting my heart
As our hands intertwine
I can feel your body tense
As my fingers grace your hips
I want to touch you everywhere
From your fingertips
To your lips
My hands dance across your skin
And I wonder if you feel it too
The immense craving
Driven by this intimacy
Every touch feels like the first
Intense and exciting
I've never felt this much emotion before
Especially through physical contact
As your body arches against mine
I feel it through every nerve
But I also feel it in my soul
I am undeniably in love with you
And this is more than just physical

Chills travel across my skin
Led by your words alone
They spread through my limbs
As your hand lines my thigh
This is bliss
Nothing else exists in this world
Nothing else matters
I have never felt so connected to anyone
And I've never been so lost in a moment
You're a goddess
**** and sweet
A beautiful mind and a gorgeous face
I could lay with you forever
Kissing you until my last breath
As you trace my fingertips with yours
Electricity runs through my chest
Shocking my heart and
Taking my breath away
You're perfect
Stunning
Brilliant
And I am the luckiest person
To be living this moment alongside you
As we lay together
Surrounded by soft music
Time is nonexistent
All my anxiety disappears
All I feel is your soft skin
And the way it feels against mine
My heart races and stops simultaneously
As our lips meet in the dark
I can't get this smile off my face

Blood means nothing
Unless it's staining the streets
Family has no merit
When they don't even See me

You want me to be passive?
And let them spew racist hate?
And all that "gendered" *******?
You can't stop me, too late

**** the systems that oppress us
These prisons are stealing lives
Locking up innocent people
It's a form of modern genocide

We are all human
But our brothers are killed by police
And our sisters killed for their gender identity
But you'd rather look the other way
And defend hateful "free speech"

I am aware of my privilege
And I will not stay silent
You turn your eyes away from police brutality
But try to preach anti-violence

Our country is run by the white and the blue
While the red is the blood of its people
We need to look up at reality
And stop focusing on the steeples

Your hopes and your prayers
Do not end the violence
Instead they teach hate
And oppressive silence

What good are words
When these feelings consume me
There's never enough syllables
To spell out what my heart says

To love and be in love
Those phrases mean nothing
The letters construct a frame
For us to place our own meaning

If I tell you I'm sad
You do not feel my pain
But when I say that I love you
You feel what I'm saying

Language holds so much power
But it limits us too
When I can't place words to my thoughts
They become simply invisible

They tell me that I'm
Too scared to commit
They tell me that I
Don't know what love is

I know that they're wrong
But the words still sting
Coming from those that I love
I can't say it doesn't bother me

They think that I
Am heartless in all of this
They don't realize my heart
Has broken with every diss

So act like you know me
And slander my name
You may have known me before
But you don't know me today

I'm like a curse
A walking parasite
Latching onto various people
Until it gets to be too much
And then I move on to the next

That's how they see me at least
They don't realize the humanity within me
They don't see the tears
The anger
The pain
When someone loses me
I lose them too
I don't just happily move on
I feel the searing sting
Tears burning scarred skin
Wishing I could be what they needed
But I never am

They say I don't know what love is
"If you love someone, you don't leave"
I hear you
But I disagree
You were hurting
And I was hurting
We both still feel that pain
But "us" is impossible
Regardless of feelings
Regardless of love
I'm learning to live for myself
So I can stop hurting those around me
Because you deserve better than that

You're right, I didn't try hard enough
But I was suffocating
And the distance didn't help at all
Yes you're unhappy now but
At least you have a chance to move on
I couldn't give you forever
I couldn't give you stability
I am unpredictable
"Curve *****" you called them
Fluid feelings aren't made for forever

Maybe I don't know what love is
Or maybe I express it differently
We were good once
And I'll hold on to those memories
But we're nothing but toxic now
And I don't know what to do with that

Don't touch me
Don't talk to me
I don't need this ****
Don't say that I'm ****
Don't say that you like me
That's the last thing anyone needs.

You don't know me
So those feelings don't mean **** to me
You don't know my problems
You don't know my pain
You only know that I listen well
And that I said I won't leave

But your feelings are dangerous
I'm fire and those are water
I will run if you try to pursue them
Because I am not whoever you think I am

You don't know me
And I don't know if I want you to
I'm not a bad person
I just hate the pressure
Of people falling too hard for me

When we're together
There is no past
There is no future
It's just us
You and I
And our anarchist tendencies
Out radical minds working constantly
Trying to dismantle the systems that oppress us
While forced to work within them to survive

This feels unstoppable
We've been through some heavy stuff already
And I guarantee there will be more to face
With openness and honesty
We overcome the forces of life
And pave our own way through
Because even if we knew
What a future with free love looked like
We probably wouldn't follow it anyway

Every day is an experience
Challenging what I thought I knew about love
I'm slowly learning to love and trust myself
And I'm finally seeing what a healthy relationship looks like
What it feels like to love someone
To be in love with someone
Without the dependence and trust issues
I've become so accustomed to

This anxiety is excitement
The fear a reminder of my humanity
And although I hate the concept of forever
I hope you stay for a while

I'll change my mind
Before I make a mistake
Just because there's love there
Doesn't mean it's best shared
I'll let it go and just pick up my things
You'll have someone with you already
And I hope for the best for you
You deserve to be happy
And I know I'll find my own happiness too
Because I really am happy these days
I guess it reminds me of the time
When you asked me to come with to get your things from your ex
It seems like it's just another cycle
And I hope this person is the right fit
Because clearly I wasn't
And that's honestly ok
I'll grow and so will you
It just doesn't have to be together

Lost and out of place
Fueled by my feelings
Not sure of my purpose
But I feel for you

I want to write you something
But these words are never enough
Your perfect smile
And your complex eyes
The immense connection existing in
The space between us

I am limited by this language
And as a writer
That's frustrating as hell

How can I tell you
That if it weren't for the distance
That I'd want to try again?
How can I tell you
That I still love you and I miss you
When I know you deserve better?
How do I sit with this feeling
Loving you so much but hurting still
Because I can't think of how it could work out?
You could do so much better
Without my complications in your life
Because part of me wants to try again
But the rest is afraid to know it could fail
I don't know how to tell you these things
Because I know it could make it worse
You're working on moving on
And I don't know what a poly future looks like
I can't make any promises
And I can't think of how we would be
Because distance is hard
And poly is hard
Love is hard
But is it worth it?

Simultaneously I experience love
Three sources
Not three divisions
My love for one
Cannot define or change
My love for the others
Endless
This love is fearless
Despite the terror I often feel
New territory brings out new emotions
But it's allowing me to grow as a person

When we are alone together
I feel this immense connection with you
Like our souls instantly unite upon contact
Feelings overwhelm every one of my senses
I'm not used to this much emotion
I sometimes can't believe it
We could talk for hours on end about
How the systems we live in ruin the world
Or we can lay in silence
Embracing each other and the moment
Either way I am beyond happy
Whether feeling suffocated by the state we live in
Or climbing through nature freely
I can't imagine this situation with anyone else
Because I love this
And I love you

Yes I hurt you
Yes I broke your heart
But I've been here since the end
I let you call me breaking down
Even though I was with my girlfriend
Simply because no one else would listen
And I ******* care about you

Yes I emailed you first
You chose to listen to others instead
And told me to move on
Two weeks pass
And you reach out to me
You want me back
But I had my closure
and started exploring new options

Yes I'm polyamorous
And it's been the best realization of my life
But to you I'm just selfish
I can't commit
Just because I can't be your property anymore
You even said you'd try it with me
Then turned around and called it debauchery

Yes I've made mistakes
I'm only human
And I'm growing every day
I am becoming a better person
But how can I keep moving forward
With you constantly tearing apart my soul?

Yes I say your words don't hurt
But I ******* love you
So they brand pain into my entire existence
And keep hurting both myself
And my beautiful new relationship
Because I'm putting all my energy into you

And yes I let it keep happening
But not anymore
I told your dad you tried to OD
I may have saved your ******* life
But all I did was ruin you right?
I tore you down and broke your hopes and dreams?
Tell me how, when I've been here the whole time
I have been supporting you in
Whatever you want to do with your life
I've been validating your feelings and
Trying to be there for you to talk
Because no one else was listening
But I'm just a piece of trash right?

No
I won't let you lead my life anymore
No
You don't get to steal my happiness
No
I will not let you hurt my relationship
No
I may have made mistakes but I'm not entirely bad
No
You do NOT get to take your anger out on me
Not anymore
I'm done
I'm out

Enjoy your life now
Because I'm done being the reason you hate it
You made your own choices
And you don't get to take that out on me
Not anymore
I'm done.

The city of fog
Just outside a city of smog
I don't want to be here
Not after an afternoon in the sun
The cool breeze and
Clean air from big trees
I could finally breathe again
No pressure
No anxiety
No haunting memories
Just myself and the universe
Running across the snow covered rocks
I could easily slip at any moment
But I felt no fear
I felt nothing but free
Yet here I am again
Trapped in an industrial city
Surrounded by death and capitalism
Sure there's some parks
Some controlled spaces of nature
But it's not the same
It's maintained and constructed intentionally
It is not free
It cannot thrive and grow without scrutiny
Take me back to the hills and trees
The rock formations unfazed by human contact
You can feel the energy within it
Even the broken trees lining the ground have life
But not here
It's all dead
Nothing is natural
We think it's beautiful because it's shaped that way
But real nature is beautiful
Simply because it exists as it is
It embodies it's own existence
And nothing compares to that

Freedom
In the cold breeze
Perched high on the icy stone
Snow glazed lakes spanning for miles
I feel at home
At peace
This is my element
I could touch to tops of trees
And breath unpolluted air
Careful steps to prevent slipping
And falling prey to the beauty of nature
The danger
The peace
The passion
I love it all
I am home
At last

I'm not sure I'm ready to lose the love I feel now
But I don't know if I can let go of you either
I wish we could compromise
I wish it wasn't all or nothing for you

Even if I left them
You and I would have to start over
Are you ready for that?
Am I?
Can I guarantee monogamy forever
Or will it all fall away again?

I want nothing more
Than to love you undeniably
Though you remind me of my ghosts
You are nothing like the rest
I fear you see these differences as negative
But I love a unique experience

I want to give you my heart
To let you feel it's beat
But it's got a broken piece
That only works for me
But I will destroy my mind trying
To fight through its heavy chains
Because you're worth it all
Every racing pulse
And any pain

No matter how much I feel
And how happy I am with someone
There's always someone else
That catches my eye too
And that doesn't discredit my feelings for you
Because I know those haven't changed
Love is complicated
And having it for more than one
Makes my life a bit of a mess
Especially to those who don't understand it
Even though I don't completely either
But my feelings for you
And my feelings for her
Are not mutually exclusive
My love for you does not die
Simply because I develop a crush on someone else
Even if it turns to love as well
It does not extinguish our flame

Three and a half years ago
I met the girl who became my first love
I hadn't had much experience with love
So I didn't know when it became toxic
I transformed from straight-edge
To blacking out and blackening my lungs
I would have married her
But she left and
It ended up being a blessing is disguise

Two and a half years ago
I entered into a relationship
While I didn't feel too much
I thought she would be my forever
We got engaged
But I was afraid
And I made a choice out of fear
I left
Not literally but emotionally
And then it all ended
I turned into the toxic person I hated

Almost four months ago
I reconnected with an old flame
We grew from destruction
But the love grew onward nonetheless
We hit a rough patch when I needed free love
She still gave it a chance and
I couldn't be happier

Over a year ago
I met my 2nd partner
About four months ago
We finally had a real conversation
And a month later we developed feelings
We're still new and it's intense
Balancing love comes with its challenges
But our capacity to love is beautiful
And we grow individually each day
Experiencing endless firsts together
My first time growing love from friendship
And it's a wonderful change

Four weeks ago
I reestablished a relationship with my ex-fiancé
4 months after our fateful end
We still share so much love
And though we can only connect through text these days
Our emotional bond holds no bounds
Love is love
And she became my third

Three weeks ago
I left my old flame
Because I couldn't handle it anymore
And it wasn't her fault
We both lost touch with the others' needs
She needed me
And I needed space
We were both unhappy
And I chose to run
I still care about her
But I'm sure she hates me now
And I don't blame her for that

A week and a half ago
My ex-fiancé tried to **** herself
I got scared and told her dad
He didn't know we were talking again
But I needed to save her
She appreciated it at first
And then she cut me off
Even though we loved each other
We were hurting each other more
I understand why she left
And I hope she finds happiness
But it still hurts

One week ago
I realized I loved my 2nd partner
Who is now my only partner
We were laying together
I looked into her eyes and just knew
When I'm with her there's nothing but warmth and happiness
Flooding my chest
Electricity runs through my bones when we lock eyes
I knew I'd love her one day
But I didn't think I'd be IN love with her
Every day is an experience
And though it's hard
I wouldn't want to go through it with anyone else

Today
I am still growing
I am not perfect by any means
And I am not defined by my relationships
But they have helped shape me as a person
Free love has been hard
These past years have been intense
And I am trying to learn from my mistakes
I am learning to love myself through them
To forgive myself
While still recognizing the pain my choices have caused
I am sorry to those I have hurt
I really am trying
I still love you all
But where we are in life no longer aligns
I wish you nothing but the best

I love you more than words can explain
And if I could go back there's so much I would change
I'd be better for you
Better to you
This cold weather burns me
With the memory of your face
We exist in everything
From the food I eat
To the way I speak to my cat
So when you tell me to let it go
How do I give up everything
Without destroying myself too?

How do you let go of something that means so much to you?
How can I move on when my heart is stuck on its beat?
I just want the pain to stop
But I can't let go of the hope
That one day you'll change your mind
Because what if you do?
What if I'm not prepared and I lose you again?
I know I'm delusional for thinking you'd come back
But in a life as dark as this
I can't let go of the shred of light I have
Not again

I want to stop and feel the sand
But you have a tight grip on my hand
I'm basking in the glory of this image
But you want to leave so we'll go
And I'll try to come back when I'm alone

I gave up my lover
And I gave up my friends
Slowly I become more alone
Counting the days til my dreams come true
And yet I've tied myself down to you
Allowed you to enter my broken soul
To hear my voice and see my tears
Because though I want to die
I'd rather live through this searing pain
If it means
I wake up to you every day

They say that love is forever
I've listened to the same song
Hundreds of times over the years
Your forever is all that I need
Single, taken
It's always sounded sweet
Please stay forever with me
But as I sang the words
Can't promise that things won't be broken
They felt empty in my heart
I swear that I will never leave
Love songs sound a little sweeter now
Please stay
You fill the space that's been empty so long
Forever with me

I haven't really faced these feelings yet
They've been hidden deep in my soul
Because it'd be easier to be heartless
Than to acknowledge the reality

I know I broke up with you
And I know the way things happened was not ok
I keep replaying where things changed
Trying to pinpoint that moment where
Everything stopped feeling right
And I think I finally found it

We were doing great together
So much love
We thrived together
And then I told you I'm polyamorous
And then I didn't listen to you
I didn't recognize my problematic behavior
And you were scared

I assume you felt like you were losing me
And I was finally feeling free
But I wasn't gone yet
We were still trying to be ok
But you shut down, understandably
And I got scared and distanced myself
You needed me more
And I felt trapped by that
So we both slowly changed
And neither could keep up with the others needs
I am not trying to justify this
I am just trying to understand

Because I still miss you
When I'm laying here alone
Cuddling my Nemo
And all I can picture is how you guys cuddled on the couch together
Or when I'm out doing something
And I think about how much you'd like it
Trying not to wish you were with me
But sometimes I do
I can't even play video games
Or watch love it or list it
Without these haunting memories
So I just avoid it and do nothing instead

Maybe if we lived closer it would have been different
Maybe if I would have paid more attention to your needs
We wouldn't have ended up this way
I know I said we weren't compatible
But we were once upon a time

I'm sorry if I made you feel like you weren't enough
You deserve so much more than I gave you
I'm sorry for not being enough for you
Because you really deserve everything good
You're a good person
And I care about you
I hope you find happiness one day
I know you will
You're good
I'm sorry for taking that away from you

What do you do
When the universe gives you the chance
To get exactly what you wanted
At the worst possible time?

2 weeks ago I would have dropped everything
And given in to anything you'd asked
But now things feel different
I had the closure I needed
And I feel happy again

But my feelings haven't changed
I still love you
But I also don't know
If this is what I want anymore

Do I limit myself into the lonely world of monogamy
In order to secure our beautiful future?
Or do I continue my current happiness
Toward a future entirely unknown?

2 weeks it's been
Immersed in this world of open love
Such a short time to spend
But my heart feels so liberated

No longer trapped by the confines of one
A sole opportunity to share, give and express my love
Now I can let my feelings come undone
Within the safety and boundaries of mutual respect

My lovers, almost three
Each offer a unique chance
To share this love and feel free
This love is a beautiful thing

I did not anticipate this formation
I did not set out a number of partners to seek
I entered this with no expectations
And it happened to grow this way on its own

I love each person uniquely
No mutual exclusion, no impact
Each love forms and runs deeply
Individually, yet always connected through love

I wake up cold in my bed
And cuddle up next to someone I care for deeply
Waiting for a moment
To text "good morning" to the girl I love

Bliss.
This is free love.
This is beautiful.

I'm lost in the moment
Lost in her eyes
A vibration on the table brings me back
I expect it's from my love
And it is
But not the one I expected

Instead
My ex-fiancé's name flashes before me
Followed by the smiley face I never removed
"Hey"

What?
I'm in shock
Is this an accident?
And old message stuck in my phone?
It buzzes again

"Could I ask you something"
My heart is racing
What could you have to say to me?
"Those letters."
I guess you read them
"Do you still feel that way?
Or have you moved on now..."

I'll never move on
My love is limitless and endless
But for that same reason
I'm so confused

Of course I love you
I always will
But I love someone else too
And I know I'll love another soon enough

My love needs more than monogamy can give me
The experience of polyamory is all so new
It's liberating
And it's beautiful
And I love it
But I love you too

You are almost every great memory
That I have from the past 2 years
But I'm also a different person now
Than I was four months ago

I still can picture a future with only you
But polyamory would have to come off the table
I don't know if I'm ready for that
Even if I don't know what a poly future looks like

I need time to process this
I need a minute to breathe
I need to reflect on these possibilities
Love is a beautiful thing
But right now it's suffocating

Fresh baked bread
Layered in death and vegetation
My insides burn with withdrawal
It's been almost 24 hours now
How much longer will it take?
To either cave in unwillingly
Or to die painfully slow?

If I had not forgotten my cash
I'd have given in to my survival drives
I'm happy I forgot it
Because I can't stomach the idea of food
Let alone choke down something so revolting
Only because it pulls me further away from death

Instead I flood my veins with nicotine
Desperately trying to curb these cravings
My legs threaten to give out
With each step I take
Even now, scratching this among global fem notes
Dissociated entirely from class
My hands won't stop shaking

Is it nerves?
Or physical deterioration?
Or the panic lying under the surface?
Deafening screams ricochet through my mind
As I try to drown these feelings
But they won't disappear

I've dropped significant weight
And I don't want it back
I don't feel the need to lose more
But still it falls away
And eventually leaves nothing but skin and bones
Fueled by electrifying anxiety

Kissing you
Feels as though I'm levitating
Above all the stress
Above the complications of our situation
But I promise that isn't everything

I know I'm silent and
I'm aware that I'm a challenge for you to read
But if my word means anything
I want nothing more than to connect with you intellectually
To be able to talk for hours on end
To be open entirely and unapologetically
But I'm also petrified

You're smart beyond reasoning
And absolutely gorgeous
Hearing you laugh makes my heart race
And when our hands touch the beat stops entirely

I need to let go of this fear
The fear of rejection
The fear of this new experience
The fear of getting too attached
And the fear of the unknown

When I'm with you I feel on edge
But I also feel happier than I'm used to
I suppose that I'm afraid
That if I let you see me
The real human behind this tough exterior
That you'll change your mind
Which is fine because you'll do what's best for you
But the idea is still unnerving

I can't tell you when it'll change
But I promise it won't be like this forever
I'm trying to let go of this fear and anxiety
So that something real can actually come
From this mess we found ourselves in
Please be patient with me
Because even though I'm pretty ****** up
I have genuine feelings for you
And want a chance to prove that

These emotions swirl around my mind
Like the glowing leaves outside
Yellow anxieties, orange excitements, and red passions
All intermingling to create something divine
For those who don't understand
It appears disorganized and unnatural
But as sure as leaves return to trees in the spring
My feelings will continue to bloom for someone
More than one
And that's beautiful

Feelings overflowing
Dripping from the cracks in my heart
Coursing through my veins
The excess seeps into my lungs
And I can't breathe

I watch you carefully
Trying desperately to read you
But like a million books in foreign tongue
I cannot follow the lines
Enough to reach a valid conclusion

The distance between us is stiff
My body aches with the tension of this anxiety
And though I avoid eye contact mostly
Sometimes I let myself slip

While it felt so wrong before
I'm learning to love myself
And embrace this capacity
To love multiple people at once
I'm slowly accepting my feelings for you
Swimming alongside my love for her

And here we are
Waiting patiently for what?
We have the perfect chance at something
Anything
And we embrace every minute of it

Every flirty text that makes my heart race
Every tear spawning from our partners' faces
The beautiful distance between us
Without the pressure and rush often associated with love

We sacrifice our energy on loved ones who don't understand
The true extent to which some humans can love
We endure the pain of supporting confused partners
So we can spend that extra time getting ready
To look cute for a simple conversation on my couch

I'm happy this way
Free from the socialized constraints of monogamy
Allowed to feel freely
To love freely

And regardless of where this experience leaves us
I'm going to embrace every opportunity it offers
And though our path is terrifyingly unmarked
I couldn't feel more at peace with it

I still wear the clothes you bought me
Especially at night
And on my dates
That weekend you asked me to think of you
To not forgot what we have
I didn't listen back then
But I remember to do it every day now

I don't want you to be
Just another date I remember
Every year that goes by
I don't want to have to think about how we were
And how it'll never be again
But what I want brought us into this mess of a situation
And what you feel could take us out of it
Or leave me here to suffocate in it

You once told me that you finally understood
That if love is true, you can let it go
And it will return to you
If, in fact, it's real

Do you still believe that?
Because I'm trying to come back
Can you place a time restraint on the return of real love?
I know it's been awhile...

I hope you do
And I hope you can't, respectively
I'm grappling for something solid
To hold onto this hope I have for us

I know I don't deserve another chance
But I'd spend the rest of my life
Waiting for the opportunity
To prove to you my devotion

I am nowhere near perfect
I know I'll never be
But if you give me the chance
I know I can be better

Better for you
Better for me
Better for us
And our potential at a beautiful future

Most of me knows you won't let me in
And I won't blame you for that
But besides my underlying hope for us
I wrote you to give you a say

What I did to you was awful
And I stripped away all your power
But my latest proposition
Gives you full control

You can either take me back again
And I'll prove that I can change
Or you can tell me to leave forever
And I'll be waiting in the dark

In case you change your mind one day

It's not easy for me to be vulnerable
But you're worth the pain
Of opening up the walls in my soul
And risking losing it all again

I dreamt about you explicitly today
We were actually talking and
You were very adamant about your feelings
But you seemed slightly hesitant
So I asked if there was any way
Your feelings could change
And you could forgive me
With some time and space
You thought about it
It sounded like you were about to say yes

Then my phone rang

Breaking me away from you
The dream still fresh in my mind
As the sound sinks me back into reality
She wanted to make sure I was up for class
I feel so dead inside
I'd rather spend my days in bed
In my head
Chasing you through my dreams
Because those representations of you
Are all I have left

What if I made a mistake?
What if my lack of feeling in general
Led me to make rash decisions
That threw away the possibility of an amazing future
What am I feeling?
I think I'm afraid
I'm so scared
This is regret
No matter how hard I try to deny it
The panic I feel in response to our memories
May be my terror in the potential of making an error
What if I didn't feel because I'm ****** up?
What if it wasn't you?
And it was actually me the whole time?
Or am I just scared of the unknown now?
Of the fact that I have no plan anymore?
That I'm alone and don't know what the future holds?
Because with you it was so easy
We would finish school
Then move away from this city of fear
What if we could have been happy?
What have I done?
I told my therapist that if I could go back I would've taken more time to figure out my feelings and make a decision
But I claimed it wasn't regret that I was feeling
But what if it is?
I'm too far into this mess to change anything now
You're so far away now
And after all I've done
There's no hope for forgiveness
There's no chance at our future
What am I doing?
I'm so afraid
I need help
I'm so scared
We were happy once
What if I'm just so broken
That I threw away both our lives
And another one too
Out of fear
My therapist says it was the feelings not the walls that led me here
But all I feel now is fear
And sadness
And emptiness
How can I trust myself when I can't even label my own emotions?
I'm so sorry
I'm so sorry
This hurts so much
I'm so scared
I'm sorry

I made a playlist the other week
It bleeds with the sound of us

All those songs you loved
Whether I liked them or not

I listen to them every night
Crying myself to sleep through this pain

Anyone would think I'm crazy
To keep doing this to myself

But the songs echo in my brain
Whether they play out loud or not

And I shouldn't get to live freely
After hurting you so badly

So I'll slowly **** myself with this sadness
And the physical pain of this heartbreak

My chest aches
And my lungs scream

These sobs choke every last breath
And the sounds send me away

Lost in the memories of us:
Driving in your car across the bridge listening to the Killers
Up in your town for Christmas vibing to Grace VanderWaal
Singing different parts to the acapella beauty of Pentatonix
Rocking along to the song we said we'd sing at our wedding

I'm afraid that I can't face life without you
I'm afraid of myself
And I'm afraid for it to snow

Because then the memories won't be just in my head

You'll be everywhere
More than you already are

And I could be dead.