Please **** me now
I can't handle this anymore
I don't want these memories to fade
But they make me want to die
As they choke my breath away
Then release soon enough to save me

I'm not ok
I need you but
You're never coming back to me
I ruined everything
And I've involved others too
So the cycle never ends
And it's all my fault

Please let me die
I don't want to live with this forever
I'd rather give up everything
Than keep reliving our dead memories

And I can't even talk to anyone about it
They either don't get it or
They won't believe me
Because I never know what I'm feeling

But right now I feel awful
These tears won't stop burning my face
And I feel more alone than ever

Nothing else matters
Right now
I am hurting
And I can't take much more of it
So please just let me let it go

I'm sorry I'm not strong enough to keep breathing
When my mistakes are like cyanide
Seeping through my broken heart
And drowning my lungs

I can't handle this
What have I done?
You're gone forever
And it's my fault

Those songs I've been avoiding
I tried to listen to tonight
And it was worse than I thought

These memories are drowning me
And I can't stop crying
I'm sobbing uncontrollably
As my body contorts under the pressure

My insides are dying at the thought
That I may never see you again

I'm trying to come to terms with the fact
That I might actually feel regret
Because I've never felt this much pain
I've never been this tormented
This ****** up
From losing someone

But I know you'll never forgive me
I wouldn't either

I'm sorry I ruined everything

I hope you're doing ok now

Because this is killing me

Where do we go from here?
Your unquestionable feelings
Have cause a rift in my heart
And a bigger one in my trust
Of course I still love you
But I'm angry
Months of you lying about your feelings
And maybe you didn't know about them
Until that playlist of your old songs
Ignited something inside you again
But that doesn't change the fact that they're there
That you're questioning whether to stay or go
And still lying that you don't want him

I don't think you love me as much as you think you do
Maybe I don't either
What if we're both just wasting time
Trying to heal from our broken past
In the arms of someone who understands the pain
But doesn't have the capacity to love

Maybe you're blinded by my decency
How I don't mistreat you like the others did
Maybe you miss the chaos and destruction
That those cheap ***** offered for a minute
Before it hurt

I'm all for exploring feelings
We can take a break
And you can leave
I want you to be happy
And understand what you feel
Maybe you've already reached out to him
Maybe you just want to see if that spark is still there
But if you **** him
Don't expect me back

What's better,
If you do,
I know he'll leave his clothes on
And leave you feeling alone
I hope you think about our skin touching
How carefully I tend to your body
How **** you think my tattoo is
When all you see on him is coarse denim and ragged cotton
Because I won't be there to catch you again
If you **** him,
Don't expect me back

Why am I so angry?
You haven't left yet
But I feel in my soul that you will
"Soulmates" you call us
Then why even consider him?
That's not fair to ask
I know love isn't that easy
But if you loved me more than you loved him
I don't think you'd leave

What do I do in the meantime?
Sit here and pretend like it's ok?
Like I'm not ****** that you might leave?
At least I know I'll be fine if you do
Whether with or without you
I know I can thrive
Can you say the same?

Do you convince yourself you love me
Because I make your life easier?
Because I promised I won't leave?
Because I don't yell at you like he did?
Because I genuinely care about your wellbeing
Enough to let you leave me to figure it out yourself?

But I do have standards
I am not a cloth that you can just throw away
When you feel you don't need it anymore
But try to grab it again when you do

I am a human being
With real feelings
Like yours
(Not the ones for me though)
You're an adult and you can make your own choices
Take responsibility for yourself and your actions
But if you **** him
Don't expect me back

What does forever look like
When you both hate life?

We pretend like we're ok
But we both know we're not

You need distractions from pain
I need to be open about it

How do we balance what we need
With what will make this work?

I feel so numb
It's devastating

Because I know it's not you
I am just so broken

I feel lost
I feel stuck

I don't know what I'm doing
Let alone what I'm feeling

But having your arms around me
Makes me feel alive
Even just for a moment

It's cold by the bedroom window
So close to my bed
I remember this time last year
We moved this same bed
Away from the cool screens

I remember
When you balanced on the love seat
To reach the air conditioner
And to cover it with plastic
To prevent the breeze

You were so good to me
Taking these precautions out of love
And I went and destroyed what we had

I'm sitting here bawling my eyes out
Losing my mind at the thought of you
The thought of us
With your family
With mine
Either way we were happy

Those old pictures show true smiles
And now my heart feels empty without you there to fill its shadows

After work I keep daring myself to drive down our old block
To see the lights living on
With some other family filling our void
But I know it'll destroy me

How could I let you down?
How could I throw away our security?
How could I not know if I was happy?

How could I cheat on you?
How could I destroy your heart?
How could you not think I was awful?
How did I not realize it myself?

If you're reading this
Just know I'm sorry
I still think of you always
The spirit of our love
And the remnants of our life
Will haunt me forever
Until my heart dies from the torture
Of seeing you in everything

It's been over a year now.
We're set to meet at 11
It's 10:55.
I'm frozen in my car
While I want nothing more than to be friends again
I'm terrified.
What if we're different now?
It's been so long.
But I know there's only one way to really find out
So I'll go inside and find a seat
And wait.

It's 3:09am
I'm im the library
Desperately trying to write a research paper:
'LGBT Familes'
How fitting.
Caffeine courses through my veins
Coffee overloads my bladder
Bathroom.
I hate bathrooms.

When you have no gender
The simple act of relieving yourself becomes a chore
The heavy weight of that key decision
Chokes your lungs as you stand outside the doors
Two doors.
Men.
Women.
Not me.

The choice becomes simplified:
While I sometimes pass as a man
I often do not.
I can choose the men's bathroom
The consequence of which could end in physical violence
The same hate I explain through my essay.
The same fear that plagues my community.

The women's restroom is also an option
The consequences likely less dire than the former:
Heavy side eye and the potential of yelling.
A much safer choice.
Obviously.

Per usual, I walk into the women's room.
I take three strides inside.
Then I stop.

I've never used the men's room.
My fear of violent reactions has always won.
Yet at a time like this
How likely is it that someone is inside the men's room?

Now is my chance to face my fears.
Now I have a safe chance at peeing in peace.
In a bathroom potentially more suiting
Of my gender identity
So I turn around.
Let the door slam behind me.

Half a step into the men's room
The smell of rancid ***** hits my senses
Toilet paper liters the stalls
I have missed absolutely nothing in my years in the women's room

Women have nicer facilities
A significantly more advanced hand dryer
Cleanliness
Air freshener
Men do not have these luxuries

Now I question,
Do men not take as good of care of their bathrooms as women do?
Do the workers intentionally prioritize women's sanitation?
What causes this undeniable divide?
Is the messiness of the men's room a result of their conscious decisions?
Or simply a response to societal expectation?

Regardless,
I think I'll stick to the women's room
While I add bathrooms to my compilation
Of more discrete gender inequality

Now that I've entered the world
Of this burning tree
I feel much more fully
Because it's the only time I can

And the thought of you makes my heart ache
I don't know where we're at
My chest is heavy with the chance of losing you
I truly love you with all my heart

But understand I have trust issues
Honesty is the only option for me
So when I sense dishonesty
It shuts me down immediately

I feel petrified
Unable to move

And instead of running
I let my fires spend outward

But I love you
And though I say I'll be ok alone
Life would feel meaningless
Without your hand in mine

But I understand if you have to leave
You'll be in my heart forever

I think about family dinners and cards
How we played skipbo instead of poker
And you were ok with being there anyways
Even though it seemed pointless
And now I'm making new memories
But I don't want to lose ours
They're beautiful
They hurt
They remind me of what we were
Before I realized I didn't feel the same

When I left you said you'd miss my family
I didn't realize I'd miss yours so much too
Now your back in your hometown
One I'll never see again
And I'm always back in mine
But you won't be

I think about motorcycle classes
The ones I'll never take
Because all I remember is the DMV
You forgot papers
And I had to go to work
But we got to talk on the drive
That made it worth the seemingly wasted time

Our home that is now so empty
Finally made me feel safe
And though this apartment is basically the same
It's not my home
I don't have a home anymore

Even those days in the old houses
You gave so much light to my darkness
But eventually my demons won
My empty soul could not be filled
By even your genuine goodness
Because I didn't face my feelings then either

I think of the day I proposed to you
I had it all planned out
The food, the picnic, the drinks, the flowers
Our night at the hotel
We watched It's Complicated
Which is pretty ironic now

The lady at the front desk was so excited for us
Even though I couldn't check in alone
Apparently you have to be 21 for that
And we were so young
But we were happy in that moment

I haven't really talked about it yet
Because my feelings don't make much sense
Is this regret I feel?
Or am I just plagued by the pain of knowing just how badly I hurt you?
I am hurting too
And even in those moments
You're still the only one I want to talk to

2 years of memories
2 years of putting up with my problems
You deserve so much more
And I hope you find it one day
Because I couldn't give you what you gave to me
Your unconditional love and safety
I only broke you down
And left you wounded by my mistakes and misjudgment

Ignorance was bliss
And this reality is destroying my sanity
But I need to face these feelings
So this pain can stop killing me

320 Miles

I feel the distance between us growing
As I know you're no longer here
And this town is a big place
But not big enough for us both.
My heart burns
As my memories fight themselves
Trying to determine whether to stay
Or go like you did.
I know it wasn't easy
Living so close to me
But it was a comfort knowing you were still around
Still living.
Where I live now
This is no home
It feels empty and overbearing
But our home no longer exists either.
I burned it to the ground with my deception
The choices that destroyed us
But just because it was necessary
Doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.
Believe it or not, I do love you
And I wish it could have been enough
At least to let me die in dignity
And spare you from this pain.

All the good memories
Are being washed away
By the ocean waves
Because the thought of your face
Makes my heart break
And I can't stop the streaming tears
I know my choice was right
But I also know that it's killing you
We had so many good times
And now I'm plagued by nightmares
The good thoughts are destroyed
Imploding with the weight of reality
Im so sorry
I'm so sorry
I'm so
Dead inside.
When your entire world comes crashing down
And you just run away from the wreck
Revisiting that graveyard
Plagues your life and soul with undead spirits of what you thought you had
And what you gave up because it wasn't real
All those happy memories
Are now rotting like dead flesh
Because they are a part of me still
But my body is rejecting them
Because they hurt too much to keep alive
My energy is depleting
But I can't let them go just yet
I don't want to forget you.

I thought I lost the best part of me
When you walked out so easily
Now I realize that you leaving
Saved the deepest part of my sanity
You tortured my mind and made me sick
I'm ****** in the head from all your ****
I wasn't wrong to love you
No, I was wrong to stay
But I know in my heart that
You'll regret it one day

Cause you broke me down
And destroyed my heart
I gave you my all
Now I want out!
You left so long ago but
Left this curse on me
I'm finding escape
In **** I don't believe
But What else can I do
When I never ******* sleep

The years of these blades
And the gallons of poison
In no way compare
To the place you have me in
Conditioned my mind
To sensor my thoughts
Just to avoid
The brutal nights when we fought
And I was never enough
It was always the same
Even when you ****** up
I was always to blame

Cause you broke me down
And destroyed my heart
I gave you my all
Now I want out!
You left so long ago but
Left this curse on me
I'm finding escape
In **** I don't believe
But What else can I do
When I never ******* sleep

All those nights spent alone
When I needed you most
Should have been enough
To convince me to go
But no, I stayed with you
Did whatever you'd say
I became your slave
Your personal outlet every ******* dayy
Ugh

*******! For all that you did to me
*******! For the haunting memories
They're burning my heart
And plaguing my mind
You cannot escape what you cannot unwind

You said you loved me
***** you don't know how to love
You only play your childish games
And run away when life gets rough
Ugh

Cause you broke me down
And destroyed my heart
I gave you my all
Now I want out!
You left so long ago but
Left this curse on me
I'm finding escape
In **** I don't believe
But What else can I do
When I never ******* sleep

A warm summer breeze
sends clouds of dandelions
to swarm around my body.

They crash and glide,
spin and collide,
until they find their own way
to the ground.

Despite the heat,
my limbs are frozen together,
locked into place, while
my mind explores this empty town.

She’s there,
under the drifting shade of the dying oak tree,
watching me from afar,
waiting until I can see her sunlit countenance,
until I can know her.

My love,
the one my mind searches for
in the darkest alleys and
the jutting cliff sides of
my cavernous heart.

She lies in the shade,
just waiting for the moment when
the glimmering sun reveals her
identity, while
my persistent mind attempts to
distinguish characteristic features
within her impenetrable
silhouette.

But it can’t;
It never will.

When stubbornness and impatience
search for love,
only chaos breeds
and spreads
like fire in this lush, illuminating field.

The ash chokes the life
from the flowers before
they even get their chance to bloom,
and the deadly smoke lifts
to destroy my only chance
at beginning a life
with the one I love most,
my only chance
to understand my emotions enough
to see your beautiful face

Whoever’s it may be.

I'm sitting there reading your letter
And crying because
I didn't know I didn't know I didn't know
Take a hit.
I didn't know I was so bad
Take a hit.
I didn't know I hurt you so much before
Kiss her kiss her kiss her
The voices whisper
But I don't want to
And I feel like the voices are just my thoughts
That I transform into other sounds
To avoid my own responsibility
Take a hit.
I didn't know how heartless I was
I thought I did my best to make you happy
But you cried yourself to sleep
I didn't know I didn't know
You begged for my attention
I didn't know
Take a hit.
I want to blow my brains out
Because my chest is so empty
I feel my decaying heart turning to stone
Take a hit take a hit
I didn't know
I didn't..
Kiss her
I'm fine.

Did I ever tell you
Why I stopped drinking?
Why I am so terrified
To take a sip alone?
How that one time after class
My heart was broken
And I skipped the glass
And drank straight from the bottle?
How I crumbled into a ball
Under my favorite blanket
My mind screaming through the halls
Fighting off the demons trying to drown me?
Of course I always want to die
That's something I've learned to live with
But never before in my life
Had I known that I could give in.
Yet there I lay crying
Wasted with a racing mind
Begging to give in to dying
But instead I went to sleep.
So when my depression intensifies
And I run to my substances
I am so terrified
So alcohol is the last option.
Because it could be my last decision.

To anyone I’ve worried
With my recently ****** up behavior
I’m genuinely sorry
But I cannot
and will not
Reassure you that I’m ok
When I’m not.
I do not want pity
I do not want sympathy
I just need to get my feelings out somehow
And poetry has never failed me.
With the recent cease of my last relationship
I know a lot of people dislike me now
And I get that
And it’s fine
But I’m not heartless.
The way I chose to handle the situation was bad
I could have carried out my decision in a much nicer way
But I ****** up
And I can’t change that now.
It’s my fault that she’s hurting now
And I deserve to be hurting too
Even though I was not IN love with her
She is still my best friend
And I still lost her.
With those decisions,
I also chose to stop taking my medication
Hence why I’m such a mess now
And it makes it worse that
I know I could feel “better” with more pills
But that’ll just hide the symptoms
Even medicated, I still want to die.

My therapist says no one wants to DIE, per say,
We just want to not live in pain.

I do not know the origins from where my pain grows
I’ve been clinically depressed since 7th grade
It seems as though I need the medication
In order to function at all
And that feels ******* awful.
I just want to be genuinely happy
One time
Without the help of these pills
And I have recently
But I don’t want to drag anyone into this hell with me.
I appreciate people reaching out
I really ******* do
But I don’t know what to tell you
Because I don’t think talking is going to solve this
Especially when I can’t find the root.
Just know that although I feel awful
Probably worse than I ever have in my life
I do not have any plans to leave here
Thoughts maybe, but I can’t say I’d ever do anything for real
But thank you for caring
It means a lot and makes my heavy heart a little lighter.

I’m sorry if I worried you.
I hope I’ll be ok someday.

I think of your soft skin
The sweet lines of your beautiful face
And I can't help but smile.

My frozen heart warms at the thought
Of the way our souls collide as our foreheads touch
Satin skin against skin.

You are the most wonderful part the universe
Your soul vibrates so perfectly with mine
We complete one another so gracefully.

Despite your place in my heart
I will try to hold myself stable
Enough to not drag you into this darkness with me.

Your beautiful heart and it's unnatural beat
Have carried you through enough torture
And still it strives forward as perfect and innocent as ever.

Baby I love you more than myself
That's why I haven't opened up yet
I'm afraid to give you more nightmares than you're already plagued with.

But I want more than anything
To give you all of me
I just wish it could be done more easily.

I know I'm not perfect and
I'm dripping with bad habits
But please believe that my feelings for you are real

Even though I seem walled off right now
I really am trying to open up for you
For you and for me

So one day soon we can both live at ease
Without the fear of this falling apart
Dreaming peacefully, on our little island paradise

I take comfort in knowing
I could jump if I wanted*

My legs swing over the cliffside
Kicking away the loose foundation
Crashing waves echo across the dirt walls
While the sun paints my back.
I feel nothing but these icy winds
Chilling my limbs until they match my frozen heart
The rising hairs and bumps along my arms prove I'm alive
I wish my mind worked the same way.
If I could, I'd spend forever by the water
Watching, listening, feeling
Connecting to the earth that surrounds me
Bleeding ink onto this notepad until I feel numb again.
But life is never perfect and
I have to finish my degree
I feel stagnant and powerless
Stuck until I finish my commitments

Unless I make the choice to stop breathing

And instead live forever
As one with the sea

Flying high in the clouds
And my body begs for you to touch me
But the second you begin to explore my pale skin
A voice in my head calls out
"You know she's not ok, right?"
"She doesn't want to do this"
"She only feels obligated cause it's what you want"
I disconnect as you ask how I am
I'm not sure how to answer that one
I know my incessant worrying bothers you
But these thoughts are not my own
They're being thrown like knives
Piercing the thin layer of my consciousness
Bleeding until it's bothersome enough to ask you
And you say you're ok
But they say you're lying.

I never understood the idea of 'voices'
Until I heard it one night
Maybe the drugs had me hallucinating
Except I still hear them.

I used to believe
that all my thoughts belonged to me
that all my demons were a direct link to my being
But the words I hear now aren't my own.

The first instance felt like paranoia:
Thoughts racing through my mind
Unnecessarily dramatic with a shred of potential truth.
Except I can't make them stop.

It felt much more like
Someone throwing knives into the paper walls of my consciousness
Quick, unexpected, unsolicited
Each thought slid through so easily
The scraping noise of ripping paper echoed in my mind
His words dripping from the reverberating sound waves
The deafening sound blocking out all oppositional thoughts

I feel powerless.

Today they still speak
There's more than one now
The first questions my relationship
The newest judges all of my decisions
Together they taunt me with these
Intrusive and uncontrollable thoughts
That make me want to die so much more
If that's even possible.

"She's only using you, y'know"
No, she loves me
"Are you sure? Then why is she kissing differently?"
I don't know, but it's fine
"Ha, yeah ok, we'll see"
Anxiety, anxiety, anxiety
"Bet you she's thinking of him now"
"Why do you even try?"
"You're going to die anyway"
"Why not tonight?"
"We'll make it quick, painless"
"I promise"

I feel my energy depleting
My hopes sinking further into the black hole in my mind
I'm grasping for something to hold onto
But all I feel is air between my fingers
I'm slipping further away from sanity
And I'm letting my body die slowly by not eating
I should just give in
Death is my destiny

*Just keep breathing

The condensation slowly begins
To eat a hole in
The cotton of my jeans
And I've been through this enough
To know
I'm not alone in it
But I can't help but feel empty.

The dripping grass emits it's gasses
filling the air with the sweet smell of
freedom and October;
The plants releasing their last breath into the world
before the snow comes
and brings death upon us all.

Even in this facade of freedom I feel trapped
Caging myself within the confines of a small
One-bedroom apartment that's supposed to be "home".

The soaking corpses of thriving flowers
and the sweet tickle of chirping crickets
are drowned out by the overwhelming sadness
that's begun to overthrow my lungs,
echoing throughout my limbs as it
sloshes through my eardrums and soaks my shoes

Dear god, why am I still hurting?
It's been 9 years and I still can't escape.
This depression has stolen every last part of me.
Until it's all I have left.

And yes, out here, I feel free
Away from the judgement
Where no one can touch me
Connected with the Earth
Simply observing all that surrounds me.

And of course I can hide from my anxiety
But even feeling the cleanest sand between my feet
And deafening my mind with these crashing waves around me
I can't run from the demons eating at the tatters of my soul
Because they will find a way to lure me back in
To disconnect me from the beauty that surrounds me
Leaving me dying alone on the cold, dark concrete
that lines my broken memories
Bleeding out these sins until I no longer feel empty

Butterflies swarm in my lungs
Crawling along the walls of my insides
Spiraling air into currents
That chill me to my bone until I'm shivering
Whenever you look at me
With those beautiful ocean eyes
And a smile that could save the world
You send a storm of wings and rainbows
Throughout my body until
I can no longer breathe
But I'd rather suffocate as you take my breath away
Than live another empty day of not feeling

They think I'm not eating
That must explain why
They keep trying to feed me.
I think they feel
My more pronounced hip bones
When leaning in to hug me.
Close up they may notice
How my clothes hang much looser now.
Do my arms look less filled in?
Have my cheeks began to cave?
Probably not.
Don't worry about me.
I'll be fine.
My stomach feels better now,
Although it's begun to burn more often,
But I don't care.
Because the closer I get to dying
The more I feel alive

You speak of *******
And I just want to make love
Our first time was more the latter
Our second the former
What an interesting combination
Love and lust
I've never felt as connected to someone emotionally
As I do when having *** with you
Because I can usually disconnect the two
Except with you
Except with you

Your sapphire eyes that glow with a ring of fiery hazel
The way your smile lights up the entirety of your face
How your soft lips feel pressed firmly against mine
The peace in your limbs as your drift into sleep
How genuinely good of a person you are
Every line in your hands that I try to memorize with mine
Your beautiful heart and its skipped beats
The passion behind your decisions in life
Your relentlessness even in the face of fear
The undeniable strength you wield that blows my mind daily
Your perseverance despite the hard life you’ve faced
How much of a capacity you possess to love others, good and bad
The sounds of your voice whispering that you love me for the first time
Your vulnerability in sharing your most intimate secrets with me
You

I wish my words could echo
Reverberating across your body
Leaving goosebumps in their wake
And leaving you trembling
Begging for more

But they don't
And likely won't
These words simply fall short
Clattering to the floor
Like broken promises

My heart screams and aches
As my only mode of comfort falters
Electricity shocks through my body
As I hear your words in the dark
Echoing so beautifully off of each cell in my trembling body
You give me chills
And I'm genuinely happy for you

When I think about you and him
My stomach turns to lead
Coated in poison
Tearing apart my insides
As it falls downward
Fast.

I forgot how jealous I can get
After years of not feeling much of anything
And I hate how it feels because I know it’s not ok;
Your past is a part of you
And I think you’re perfect the way you are.

But when I think of how he hurt you
When you loved him unconditionally

How he hit you
When you were nothing but kind;

How he left you
Alone and broken

Twice

I am no longer jealous
I’m ******.

My body sinks smoothly
Into the curves of your mattress
As I wait for you to crawl in beside me
Among the clouds we shift repeatedly
Apparently soft beds don’t promote cuddling

Netflix plays in the background
Some standup comedy for background noise
But we are not here to chill

The lining of your bra creeps from beneath your crop top
Black lace against your pale skin
And my fingertips can’t help but graze the intricate designs
And trace the edges along your soft skin

While I always think you’re ****
I am not trying to ****** you
I simply cannot get over
How someone can be so perfect
And how so many ****** humans
Could look at you
and touch you
Hear you
and connect with you
Yet somehow couldn’t love you.

But I’m also glad they didn’t
Because I could do this forever.

I know you don’t trust me

And I wouldn’t normally either

But for once I am certain in my own emotions

Because I can count the number of poems

I’ve written for anyone else

On a single hand

And yours could fill a novel

Although this seems so new
I’ve known you for years
And while you’ve grown up a lot
Since our days of kissing on concrete
Your soul emits the same beautiful waves
That I fell in love with 5 years ago.

So as we walk around the pet store today
My heart is screaming
I love you
And the anxiety squeezes my organs into nothingness
Pouring acid through my insides
And burning until I build up the courage
To translate my internal dialogue
Into something real
Because it’s not real if I don’t say it

*I’m ready to say it

I don’t wear sweaters much
Especially in the summer
But after a few hours of your embrace
My clothes smell like your detergent.
So I’ll peel off my binder
Strip down to my boxers
And replace that sweater
So I can sleep better.

My heart falls silent
Empty and echoing
The aftermath of an earthquake
That I started on my own
I made a choice for myself
But I didn't do it well.

In following my heart
I destroyed another on the way
Deep down I still
Just wish to die
And I know
that same silence that's killing me now
Will put my mind at rest in the end

I seriously can't stop thinking and
It's killing me
High school and last semester man
What happened to me?
What happened to that person afraid of nothing?
My anxiety gets the best of me now
And I never leave the **** house.

I see that bonfire and how much fun we had
The weird *** cupcakes we made
and I know we tricked some of them
but I don't remember how.

It's the music man
Takes me back everywhere
Maybe that's why I love it so much
It takes me away from the present and puts me some place else
I'm so alone though
And I can't take it.

Why do I even think about the last house?
It was ****** and
the people ******
but I guess it was cheap.

I feel so broke and broken
I don't know how to cope
And I don't wanna bring anyone new into my life
Because it's just the same **** over and over again
They come in interested,
Realize I'm ****** up,
And leave.

She keeps me safe
My heart and my sanity
Having a routine in an unroutine way
Makes everything so much better
Less freak outs
Less pain
So many less break downs through leaking eyes

I love her so much but I don't know what I'm doing
or who I am.

I'm so scared
I'm not sure of what
but I know I am.

I wanna move home
For the first time in my life.

I want to go live with my mom
and truly give up on life.

One year
365 days
Who knew one person
Could cause so much change
My heart has healed
More in this past year
Than ever in my entire life
You loved me and my broken soul
And all my imperfections
Until I had enough in me
To give all of myself to you

It took time for me to realize it
But I am undeniably in love with you
From the day you first said hello
I knew you were special
And even though I put you through hell
I knew I couldn't let you go

You are my world
My rock
And my best friend
I cannot imagine a life
Without you by my side
And I try my best to be
The best for you too

Forever feels too short
As the present seems to speed on
But I will love you until the last sun sets
And the last star falls to the ground
Until the world falls silent
And the earth stops spinning
Darling I will love you through all eternities

And every day
I will be grateful
knowing that
Somehow, in some unfathomable way
you love me too

Happy Anniversary, for now and for always, I love you.

Follow me into my world for a moment
I know I can't explain myself
As much as I try
I'm beyond broken that I forgot
How to even breathe
These words choke me from the inside out
I want to show you how I feel but
I can't even move an inch
From this empty hole in my bed
******* me deeper and deeper

Every day I try and try to just try
But I can't anymore
You are the only light in this darkness that is me
When you learn to live on your own
And rely only on yourself to survive
You forget how to trust
In anyone else, let alone your own mind

After feeling abandoned so many times
And fighting the knife that my own hand bares
My conditioned mind cannot be trusted
What I feel may not exist so i feel nothing instead
It's safer to care less and drink more
Until the bottle takes me under
Six feet into paradise
Where I feel
Nothing
Where I am
Nothing.

But I open my eyes and see you
Staring into my soul, trying to understand
You understand as much as you can
But im a broken person
A mirror shattered and reflecting
Someone who you love
But if you only knew..
How could you love someone like me
Someone with nothing to lose
With nothing to offer you
And I see the pain it causes
The pain I cause
And keep causing

In your eyes the truth lives
They say What your mouth can't speak
I can feel it through your warm skin
Laying against my icy heart
I know you want to leave

Drinking all night,
Sleeping my days away
My demons don't drown
They swim on the surface
You want to get out?
I whisper Show Me
The key to escape is not running

I can't explain how much losing you
is killing me
And I know it won't stop til
you're a distant memory
But love is forever right?
And I'm a survivor right?
You don't exist in the world
of my consciousness
But I know deep in my soul
there's a place that only you could hold

My chest is burning and I feel like death
You have my heart beating the **** out of my chest
My stomach is burning with the memories I repress
And it seems as though my whole life's become a mess

It's not up to me anymore
I can't save myself
Baby please help me
Give me one last breath
One last reason to live
A reason to fight back
But I know you can't hear me
over the screaming in my head

I'm not saying I'm destined to die
I won't lie, yeah
Suicides been on my mind
It's just that ever since you left
I see less hope to stay alive

Through hell's flames and god's rage
We swam our way through the burning insanity
Your wavering patience and lasting perseverance
Engulfed the darkness in an icy flame
Pushing us forward and uniting our strength
Darling you are everything
From the air I breathe to
The shooting stars I see so constantly

I will slave forever to accomplish your forgiveness
Though I will never comprehend how you'd willingly release it
But i promise you I am yours
Because your unnerving energy pulls me in to where
I begin to question everything
But you are worth every possible risk:
My heart belongs to you
and it will not be missed

Spinning, spinning
Your minds losing its control
Her face, her touch, her laugh
All these memories reeling
Through your consciousness
You can't stop them

The knife lies on the table
Silver reflecting your tear stained face
You think you can stop it all this way
One twist of the blade and everything's ok
Just think of those you'd leave behind
Your mother, father, sister, brother
A friend, a nephew
Who will grow up never understanding what you did
What an example to set for the youth surrounding you

Now I'm not trying to criticize
Because I've been there a million times
But it's not worth your life
Time will resolve your problems
And if you **** time
You may just **** those you care about most

The red parallels that lined my arms
Have now faded to white
You'd think they'd give me hope again
But I can barely stand this life

I miss the blood running down my skin
Staining my lifeless limbs
Bringing my distorted insides out
Those demons pouring from deep within.

I miss you.

You knew
exactly how much
space to give me when I was angry.
The correct questions to ask.
The way to calm me down.

It wasn't your job
but you did it regardless
and you did it well.

So now I sit here smoldering in the feelings I cannot control:
The fear.
The anger.
The regret.
The relief.
All the self hate and sadness are choking me.

I don't know what I want,
But you're my best friend.
And I ******* miss you.

I think about
the things
we used to do and
the thought
of tainting them with
anyone else
shatters my heart
like the feeble glass of
an old cup.
It held all our memories and
I chose to let it fall,
crashing to the floor
in a flurry of misunderstood emotions.

I'm sorry isn't enough to fix this.
But it's a good place to start.

When I think about my future I can't see anything.
It's blurry
and always has been.

Except with you.

When I try to reroute my plans,
I cannot handle the thought of you
not by my side.

I ruined everything.

Because I don't know how to love.

I know I love you, though.

I just don't know in what way.

I wish I had the answers
that would set us free.

Even if that freedom means
you no longer beside me.

Do you realize that your smile could stop wars?
How could someone be angry in the presence of something
So rare and astounding
Something so innocent and heart warming

Do you realize that I notice you watching me?
Though you only do so when no one is around
Not often, but it seems I catch your eye on occasion
Or I'm just overly optimistic

Do you realize that your presence forces me into an unending state of anxiety?
How could someone like you
A beautiful, free spirit
Even exist in the world of
My dark and demented soul?

Do you realize how your flirting makes me feel?
The empty space in my chest enclosed upon itself
And I can't help but smile back at you
Regardless of my mood

Do you realize that I pay attention to
Every word, every time you jokingly sing to me,
Each breathtaking smile and each unnecessary statement
I feel electricity between us at times
Although I doubt you feel the same

But Do you realize that I am not available?
While I value you greatly as a human
And can acknowledge and appreciate your beauty
You are not the one I want

Do you respect my boundaries enough to not cross them?
Or would you try, given an opportunity?
And even if a part of me wishes you would
I know now that I would reject your advance immediately
Because you're not the one I love
Just a beautiful woman occupying the same space

I never understood the hype about memes
But I search for them now
Just so I can tag you and maybe
Make you smile a little more today
Because your smile is the brightest thing
And it makes my heart sing

I know I make everything complicated
I can't promise that won't keep happening
But I will try to take the sting away from pain
Because you deserve the sun
And I'm only human

My drug of choice
The forbidden fruit I dare to taste
You are the answer
To the questions my heart speaks
My heart races uncontrollably
At the mere thought of seeing you again
Our hands touch and
You set off an explosion in my soul
Our energies connect and intertwine
Like the branches of two trees
Hugging and trailing along one another
And eventually growing together as one

I cannot sleep
Or at least I choose not to
Until the sun breaks the horizon
I wake up to a typical ringtone
But sometimes my heart hurts
Like it used to when I smoked
And after 12 hours of rest
I can still barely open my eyes
I cannot convince myself that
There's a real reason to wake up
I am so alone aside from my love
That any social interaction crashes over my body with
guilt and embarrassment that have no purpose
I swallow a few conversations but they hurt
I miss the friends I used to have but I know
We changed so much it could never be the same

And through recent interaction
I realize how much I miss my community
Surrounding myself with those who understand
My fears
My pain
My experiences
Without me having to explain it
Validating my emotions and
Reminding me that I am allowed to feel the way I do
Simply because I do

I told myself if I became you
I'd sooner **** myself than live that way
But here I am, evaluating my decisions
And they're disgustingly representative of my genetics
The pull in my heart gets heavier
As I wait out each slow-passing day
To see when I'll have the courage
To finally say **** it and pull the trigger

The cavity in my chest
Feels less empty when you're around
And maybe I utilize that fact
To heal parts of my broken soul
Without the mind-numbing effects
Of my antidepressants
I feel unnerving panic and
If I tell you then you'll leave
I wish we could skip ahead
Beyond all this confusion and heartache
To a time where we can settle down
And breathe again, together
But I know that if I skip this moment
I would lose my time with you
And even on my worst day
You make me feel whole
So even if this ends
In a way that neither of us desire
At least I had the experience of you
That'll always make my heart smile