I hate that you are so far away
and that I can´t change that

I hate the feeling you give me
and the longing for you

I hate that you're making me weak
and that you broke my walls

I hate how you can change my mood
and how it only takes seconds

I hate that I miss you so much
and that I love you so much

I hate how you are so far away
and how I still can´t change that.

I am angry
at myself for nor trying
trying everything I never did
because I was to scared
I am angry
because I gave up
and let myself down
I am angry
thinking about how blind I was

but I am also anrgy at world
for telling me how to live
for showing me a hollywood life that was unreal
for making be believe in TV love

I am angry at my father
for leaving
for making me feel unloved
for not being there when I needed him

I am angry at my mom
for being so protective
for not letting me make my own mistakes to learn from
for thinking I wouldn´t be strong enough for this world

I am angry at my friends
for loving them till it hurts
for leaving for college
for every time I called and they weren´t there
for making me feel like the odd one

I am angry with you
yes you for reading this and not knowing me
for reading this and possible judging me
for not letting it all out

I am angry
at that is okay.

because at one point we just have to let out all the hate
so we can let in the love
so I will write it all down
all of my feelings
the good ones the bad ones
the ones I don´t want to talk about
so I can let them out,
and find new feeling in myself
and eventually find myself

I just wish I was thinner
I just wish I was smaller
I just wish I was prettier
I just wish I wasn't me

I wanna cut of pieces of my body
I dont wanna look at it
I wanna throw up
I don't want this body

I can feel the the cold water
I can feel it in my empty stomach
I can feel the muscle ache
I can feel it burning

But it still isn't enough
And it will never be
No matter how hard I try
Because I wasn't enough

I just wanna feel something
something other than now
something other than this
something other than me

I am so full of me
me and my mood swings
me and my anxiety
me and my stupid mind

I wanna get out of here
here, where the flowers don´t bloom
here, where the sun doesn´t shine
here, where the wind doesn´t blow

I want to feel
to feel the clouds cry
to feel the wind howl
to feel the sun burn

Help me
I am drowing
I want to scream
but nothing comes out

Help me
I am fleeing
I want to run away
but my shadows are faster

Help me
I am dying
I want to **** myself
but I am not strong enough

Help me
I am lost
I want to know me
but I hate what I am finding

Step 1:
Reread all old messages

Step 2:
Regret everything

Step3:
look at old pictures

Step 4:
Cry your eyes out

Step 5:
Once you finished pitying yourself, get your **** togheter

Step 6:
Delete everything, photos, messages, everything

Step 7:
Get drunk

Step 8:
Remembering you didn´t delet their number
and calling them, drunk

Step 9:
Regret everything again

Step 10:
Watch 90´s love movies and eat ice cream

Step 11:
Get dressed, make yourself ready to go out

Sep 12:
Get drunk again

Step 13:
Do not call them
be strong

Step 14:
Cry yourself to sleep

Step 15:
Stand up, you are strong.
Now tell that the mirror another 99 times.

Step 16:
Smile, it´s okay to happy

Step 17:
Remember you could live without them before

Step 18:
Breathe, look around and notice the world didn´t stop spinning

Step 19:
Remember the good times, but don´t cry. Just smile

Step 20:
Love yourself.

I love you, I truely do
with all my heart
and all my soul

but I hate it
I hate me
for loving you

because you are naiv
and spontaneous
and selfish

You will never understand
how I would give my all
why I would die for you

because you wouldn´t
you wouldn´t do the same
and that is okay

it just hurts now an then
because I will always know
that I need you
but you don´t need me

so I will give my all
to please you
and make you smile

to hold you when you´re down
and dry your tears
to be all you need

so one day, when you leave
you will at least miss me
and then for once

for once you will know
how I felt all along
and understand

How I would give my all
and why I would die for you
and you will finally see me.

I am done being run over
I am done being pushed around
done being oppressed
done being invisible

I won´t accept rudeness anymore
I won´t accept no evilness

And while everyone says yes
I am here to scream no

no to every man that approaches me
no to people that don´t appreciate me
no to all the bad in the world

I say no
and I mean it

This is my time to shine
and I won´t be invisible no more
I will rise
I will not be quiet
and scream no into this world
that only knows yes

You are one kind of a guy
the kind that leaves
leaves before breakfast
the kind that makes you
makes you fall in love

I am one kind of a girl
the kind that leaves
leaves because she´s scared
the kind that makes you
makes you fall out of love

we were one of a kind
the kind that leaved
leaved the party to snuggle
the kind that made
made other jealous

we are one of kind
the kind that leave
leave each other behins
the kind that make
make each other cry

I want us to be more
more than we are now
I want the nights
the nights we needed nothing
because we had each other
I want US

I love
love lasagna
love the color purple
love music

I love
love my mother
love my stepfather
love my siblings and my friends

I love
love passion
love ***
love the world

I love
so much it hurts
so little it scares me

I love
love everyone but myself

I love
love motion
love movements
love the human body

I love
so many things

I love
life

****** me
as you rub you lips
looking deeply into my eyes
slowly coming closer
and closer
I am sucker for you
make me yours
tie me down
love me
passionate and slow
then fast and hard
as your hands glide over me
as brushes over a canvas
dive deep into me
like the waves in the oceans
in and out
wrapping my body around yours
feeling your lips staining my body
with your toxic kiss
hold me tight
tighter
playing with your hair
the two of us rising
take all of me
I am yours
higher and higher we go
the sun hitting your body
captivating it´s beauty
as I close my eyes
I can feel you
all of you
and me
******

I Do
and I know you don´t

and its killing me
because this means I am supposed to start
start to get over you.

But I don´t want to
I don´t want to let go
I don´t wont to forget you

and I don´t want to stop loving you.

Because loving you
gave me purpose
it gave all the love I could never give to myself a place to go.

And now
I can´t stop thinking about you

because I feel like you are absorbing me
like my love for you is absorbing me .

As if the thousand butterflys in my stomach
made me forget the weight on my feet.

And for once I believed I could fly.

Because every second with you feels like flying.

Because your smile gives me hope
and your eyes give me faith
but the way you looked at me
after the first time we kissed...

it made me believe
believe we could be
believe we were
believe we would last.

But when you look at me now
all I see is emptiness
no love
no nothing
you just don´t care....

Do you ?

But I still love as much as I did after our first date
when you hold my hand while we were riding our bikes next to each other
and how you gave me you hoodie because I felt cold
and how when I came home the smell of your perfume was surrounding me.

And I wanna love you so bad
but I feel like I have to stop

Because the more I love you the more I lose myself
and I am betraying myself by telling me maybe
he does love you too

and i will lose myself.

But at the same time loving you feels like all I can do
and all I am supposed to do.

Because i love you so much
I believed maybe just maybe I can love myself

I will always love you
and I hope one day you can love me too.

I always feel like I have to decide
as in right now
like I would need to have an answer ready any minute.

But decisions take time
you don´t just decide
you create pro and con lists in your head
or in reality

you think of every possible outcome
of everything that could go right  
and everything that could go so wrong.

And it is possible that deep down you already know the answer
actually it is most likely you do
so why not stick with that decision.

Maybe because you thought about it for too long
maybe you didn´t thought about it enough
or maybe you just dont trust your own decision

so it is now or never
it is always or gone
it is clever or foolish

Is it, tho ?
Decide.

Let it rain on me, I pray
let it rush down my body
rush down my face
let it hide the tears

let it to cool me down
suffocate the fire inside me
because I am burning
burning from within

My skin falling of my bones
leaving me vulnerable
releasing all my fears
to those who shouldn´t see them

Because this fire it burns
but it doesn´t burn with passion
it burns with anger and pain
with everything I never said

destroying all I have left
leaving nothing but ashes
at the place in my mind
were once flowers bloomed

Take me away
Music
to a place were passion runs through my veins

Take me away
Love
to a place were happines rules in my brain

Take me away
Art
to a place craziness equals normality

Take me away
Drugs
to a place were I can be free

Take me away
Sleep
to a place my thoughts aren´t constant

Take me away

I am dying
Breaking on the inside

Darkness slowly crawling up in me
destroying all the good things
My head is filled with doubts

I can't move
My legs stuck to the ground
And I am sinking

It's like I am standing in quicksand
As if my ship has a hole
As if I would walk through the marshes

A grey veil blurring my vision
Hiding all the colors
Life could show me
If only I could see them

I am dying
Darkness is crawling up in me
my head is filled with doubts

The day you left
you left me alone
left me broken
left me crying
left me here

and till today I was angry
beause you decided to leave
but then I noticed
I never asked you to stay

The day I let go
I let go of you
let go the stars
let go the sun
let go home

For once I am not scared
Of the little man
Dancing tango in my stomach
To the sound of your voice

I dress myself in the smile
That surfaces from inside
And embrace the warmth
My heart feels for you

My body so light
It feels like floating
And my mind as calm
As the midnight sky

The drums in my heart
Are the rhythm I dance to
As my feet move
Over the grass

In bed I lay
My eyes closed
Smiling
Thinking of you