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Katinka Feb 2021
I´m quick to fall in love
but just as quick as I do
I fall out of love

every little inconvenience
and I think about running away
the smallest doubt
and I am questioning everything

Sometimes I just wish
I wouldn't feel as much
that just for once
I could silence my mind

To put an end
to this rollercoaster of fear
and anxiety

But on the days, I stop feeling
I forget who I am

because I  feel like
I am just a bunch of emotions
and thoughts

Stuck in a body
this world gave me
and then I forget to exist
in the present
Katinka Feb 2020
And I think I love you
But I don't ever think I can
Ever learn how to love just right
So run away from me
Run as far as your Dark brown eyes can see
Just as soon as you know
-Matt Maeson-

And I think I love you
Which is what scares me
because you are good
and I am me
I am bad at love
and I will always be

But I don´t ever think I can
tell you that I do
because I won´t believe
believe you do it to
since nobody ever will
at least I think this way

Ever learn how to love just right
because I love too much
and then to little
I push you away
to let you back in
it is how I am

So run away from me
or I will do
and then I stop
because I love you
and I hate you
with every inch of my body

Run as fast as your Dark brown eyes can see
those beautiful eyes
which I fell for
once and then twice
the way the shine
it drives me crazy

Just as soon as you know
how difficult it will be
how I cry in the night
and the things I don´t like
how I laugh when I´m scared
and cry once I´m mad

This song puts it in words
the things  I can´t say
The constant fear I hold
The fear of you and me
The fear what may be
Inspired by Matt Meason
Katinka Nov 2018
when something tragic happens
people are there for us
they go with us through the break up
through death and pain
but with depression it is diffrent

because it doesn´t end
but people get sick of hearing
you are not fine

they want to see you recover
but I can´t
Depression is not a sickness you can get over

It follows you around
like a cloud blocking the sun
and now and then rain will pour down
and it will all come crashing in

It´s the never ending feeling of pain
of panic
of nothing

and then I feel bad
and I´ll self-pity myself
and now I feel so stupid
because there are people
people who have it worse

and here I am
drowning in self-pitiness

but that is exactly what depression feels like

It feels like I am drowning
while everyone else is breathing just fine

It feels like the fear you have when you miss a step
but you never reach the ground
so the fear won´t go away

It feels like ropes tie you down
you can not move
can not stand

I can not do anything
do anything right

and all I want is this to end
but the only solution seems so hard to procide
not even that, I can do

I am not doing good
but no one wants to hear about it
because it has been to long
without improvment
so I´ll just fake it
maybe if I tell myself long enough
I am fine
I will be
Katinka Sep 2018
I miss you
every second, every minute...
every hour of the day I am not with you

looking back at our pictures, it hurts
like ropes tearing me apart.

Seeing you slowly fading away...from me
from my life, from us

I want to hold you
want to press your body onto mine
I wanna feel your kiss
I want to be one with you

All I can do is think about you

And how you look at her now,
the way you used to look at me.

How you´re holding her,
the way you hold me that day.

And I can not stop thinking about you kissing her,
like we did.

And I miss you
Oh god I miss you so much
and I hate you.

But mostly I hate that I can´t hate you
not even a little bit.
The last sentences is inspiered by my favorite movie 10 things I hate about you.
Katinka Jan 2020
I loved him so much
And he loved me
But sometimes love isn't enough

When the fire distinguishes
And your left behind with ashes
Sometimes letting go hurts less

But we let go
And it hurts
It hurts more than before

And everything around me
It makes me think of him
And it feels like I forgot
Forgot how much we meant

And I can it feel it in my chest
My heart longing for him
But we both know
It was right to end it

But that doesn't make it easier
Because this feeling it won't go
And it hurts
A real physical pain

It feels like my heart is being torn apart
Like I could have a heart attack any second
But the worst thing about it is
I wouldn't even mind if my heart stopped
Katinka Oct 2018
I like books
the way the pull me out of reality and into the story
the way you can truly feel what the character is feeling
the way you can decide how you imagine the atmosphere

Once I tried writing a book
I mean I love to write
and I guess I always will
but I never finshed the book
I just couldn´t decide for an ending

I guess it´s the same in reality
I have problems making decisions
I like to think of every possible outcome
just to run away before it ends

maybe I am to scared to see the end
because I want it to continue forever
and now I am asking myself
am I still talking about my never ending book
or my life

I guess I´ll never find out
because in the end
I will run
and run
away from the end
and into the past
repeating my mistakes.
Katinka Oct 2018
Worthless
the way I feel
Worthless
the way others made me feel
Worthless
the way I try to improve
Worthless
the way others ruined my progress
Worthless
the way to continue fighting
Worthless
the way others told me to give up

Worthless
to keep living this way
Worthless
to keep bringing me down
Worthless
to keep listening to what they say
Worthless
to keep changing for others
Worthless
is NOT who I am
Katinka Sep 2018
You
the one with messy brown hair
brown eyes
with you birthmark over the left side of your face.
You who left me crying.
You who made me believe in love for the first time.
You who stole my first kiss
first time
first.

You
with your straight blonde hair
blue eyes
and that stupid smirk
You who left me broken
You who showed me a new way of living
You who left me being second choice
second best
second.

You
with your dark blonde hair
hazel eyes
you with your beautiful hands
You who left me angry
You who showed me a different way of love
You who went with me on my third concert
third love
third.

You
with your curly brown hair
hazel eyes
with your cute braces you never liked
You who left me questioning
You who showed how hard love can be
You who decided I wasn´t worth it
You never happend
We never did.

I
with wavy dark brown hair
hazel eyes
with freckles on my face

I who loved everyone of you
but still couldnt forget you,
number two

I who loved everyone of you
but you left me wanting more,
number four

I who loved everyone of you
was being loved.
but not anymore.
Usally I write my poems on paper first, and then I will reread them and think about them, may make some changes and then upload them here. But in this very second I am just so full of emotion that I want to write and I want it to be honest so no rereading or correcting. Just me.
Katinka Sep 2018
Today I wrote
again

I tried writing your name since I thought about you
but it seemed impossible

actually it didn´t just seem like it
after the first letter I stopped

I just couldn´t look at it
I just can´t say your name out loud
it tears me apart
like two magnets pushing each other away

How does it come your everything on my mind.
and everything I don´t want on my mind

Help me to forget you
I´d say, if that wouldn´t be pointless.
after reading this poem I thought how weird it is, that strangers read about this boy that broke my heart and it is possible that it reminds them of someone they know. But after all no one knows your name, your age, your look, because that will forever be mine.

— The End —