Do you ever wonder
if the painter
tires of his colors?

Here I am laying, filling my head
At 3 A.M rerunning every word I have said
I suppose my tears are the blood from my soul
Happy or sad it overflows out of me and I can’t seem to feel whole
I don’t want to die anymore because things aren’t too bad
But I’m tired constantly and I miss my mom and dad
That’s the thing about being an adult
You make the tough decisions yourself and if they’re wrong it’s your fault
You choose right from wrong and no one is there to tell you otherwise
No one is there to catch you in your lies or wipe the stream of tears from your eyes
Momma isn’t there to hold your hair when you *****
Daddy isn’t there to point to the sky at the comets
It’s more like a hollow and dark lonely place
Days feel like years yet weeks seem to race
I suppose we take for granted our youthful state
We don’t know what we have until it’s a little too late
I’d give anything to go back to a day before loans
Spend a day with my family before I wanted to become skin and bones
Give my brother a hug and tell him I care
Tell my father that the things he calls my mother are wrong and unfair
Play with my dog before the cancer took him away
Show up to work with enthusiasm as though it was my first day
See my town like I did through an adolescent lens
Bike through my neighborhood to the house that once was my friend’s
Run in the yard and climb that one crooked tree
Relive the trip to the forest that ended with bees
Laugh at myself when I fell off my bike
Not take myself so seriously and be willing to admit who’s right
Tell my sister “thank you” for yelling at me to not speak English
She kept me fluent and that was her wish
Go trick or treating from door to door
“Here’s some candy, would you like some more?”
My eyes fill with liquid nostalgia as they sparkle and close
My head bobs and nods as I catch it then doze
I miss the world before it got complex
Before I had to worry about what came next
I’d live for a day at the age of ten
Before things began to hurt and I was mistreated by men
I’d watch the stars with Jessica and talk about life
I’d give her a hug after a sleepover and get back on my bike
Pedaling home in the cool fall breeze
Everything was simpler back then and I took it for granted with ease
I wish to go back to a time almost half my life ago
I wake from my sleep to realize it can't be so

I used to feel stress as some others do
I’d cry and pout and usually eat the stress away
Gaining 5, 10, 15 pounds in the process
But at what point does stress become too much?

Phase 1- Normal
A little stress
But less than should cause concern
Take a quick pause and breath
Till you feel fully awake and ready to handle the whole deal that is worrying you
Eating pattern: Normal

Phase 2- Intermediate
More substantial stress
Quite the mess inside the mind
Especially in an unkind situation
Eat a little more than normal for the sake of taking away the thought of the problem
Make a list and stick to it to reduce the impact
Don’t place the fist to the wall yet
Eating pattern: Calories increased by 25-40%

Phase 3- High
Stress has reached its max
Like a leach ******* the life away
Mind trying to stray from the food or the situation
But somehow falling pray to both
Like a host for a parasite
Eating pattern: Compromised. Calories increased by 60-75%

Phase 4- Immense
Stress too high to handle comfortably
Functional human abilities begin to cease
Like a paralyzing disease
Lies like not feeling well begin to find their way into play through each and every day
Not only is the issue stressful but the thought of eating becomes impossible
Now more problems creep in with the deep dive swim of an eating disorder side show
Eating pattern: Crippling loss of appetite. Calories decreased by 90%

I digress to address the source of my stress
A world I thought I knew and had nothing left to do but ride the wind with my sweetheart
But things fall apart yet the world still spins and at the end of the day the side I’m fearful of wins
And now I’m alone and scared of what’s next I just sit here with empty stomach rumbles hoping for your text

A letter to a love that is not my own:

In the darkest nights I only saw your face. When I closed my eyes the images of you came flooding in and even though I tried to drown them with my tears they refused to go away. You could have been messaging me or ignoring me. It wouldn't have mattered, because I would miss you just the same. Miss everything about you. Like the times we'd walk past each other in close quarters and we'd barely touch, but we'd both look at each other and I would always apologize, because that's just who I am. Those moments were electric. Sometimes those would be the only words exchanged between us. Every second without you is a second wasted. Melodramatic? Maybe. But in my heart, deep down... No matter how long I have tried to deny it I know that I have strong feelings for you. Even if you don't care for me the same way, I will always feel this way towards you.
I'm the gambler. I give everything I have- play the cards when the odds are 1,000 to 1 or 1 to 1,000, I put my heart on the line and honestly, I would give you anything. I would do anything for you just to see you smile at me. I don't mean smile with your bright white teeth I mean really smile. The kind of smile that makes even your eyes seem alive. I saw that look from you once. Some time ago you looked at me and I knew. I knew that you would hold your breath around me like I do for you now. I would willingly hand you my soul, my heart, every last part of me and even if you crushed it all in your firm hands I wouldn't cry. I would just pick up the pieces and put them right back into your hands again because that way at least I would feel like I am with you. Do you ever notice the silence between us? Not the silence when you read my messages and don't respond, but the silence when we are in the same room? I hang onto every waking moment of that hoping that you will break the stalemate so that I don't have to. For you to end the solitude between us. 'Ya know,  I envy that glass of water that gets to kiss your sleepy lips each morning and that luminescent moon that you spill your heart out to each night, because I want that kind of closeness to you.
When you pray to God do I ever come up? Do you ever ask Him about me? Do you ever pray? Do I even cross your mind at all? I want a love so deep the ocean would be jealous, not a one way mirror where all I see is the reflection of a pathetic me who is mourning over the loss of a love that was never intended to be my own. I have contemplated telling you how I feel. Hell, I've even written it all down word for word ready to click that send button, but I'm not ready for it yet. I'm taking a risk writing this up as it is. If I had to tell you in person oh man trust me my voice would shake, crack, and I would stumble over words. I would feel as though 32 bits of glass had become my teeth and that they would break each and every time I tried to speak only so that I would choose my words even more carefully, but I would do it, because why spend your entire life wondering what could have been.
I can't call this love. It may be or may not be. Everyone has their own definition of it. Some think that love is two people spending their lives together watching sunrises or the star painted skies at night, others think it is waking up at 2 PM next to that special someone after a heck of night laughing at how both of your heads are pounding and how your ears are still ringing from the music. I've never been sure of what my definition of love is or how to even begin to rationalize such a strong feeling, but now I know.
My definition of love, is you.

Wisely, briefly, and truly,
Eleanor Sinclair

Through and through my mother is anorexic
You would be too if your environment was toxic
I can’t help but be sad when I come home late at night
And she’s asleep on the couch with tear stains from a fight
I bring back food from the restaurant I work at
She says she can’t have it because she’s too fat
Eventually she caves and I get her to eat
Fish, broccoli, fries, and red meat
She tells me it’s too late at night to eat snacks
Although she’s a normal weight her bones still sound like they crack
It’s now 1 am and I go to turn off the tv
She quickly wakes up and stairs blankly right at me
“Leave it. And turn the heat on”
She says to me, fighting a yawn
Before I leave I notice the wrappers
A caloric binge had clearly trapped her
And tomorrow I’m sure the cycle will repeat
As the image of my mother withers and retreats

When you've been burned by an old flame
You'll never treat the next the same

Less affectionate
Less intimate

Decathect and fear that I'll end like the last
So you don't try as hard and go rotten from the past

I'm scared to love you the way I loved him
You're the best I've ever had though my psyche is grim

My soul cries to stay but my mind pays the price
Why after it all burns down does the heart become ice

I miss my beam of sunshine tonight
My tears on the pillow reflect penetrating moonlight
Howling and wailing like a rabid creature
How did everything happen to break away so I could no longer reach for you
O’ my sunshine where did you go
My plagued dreams are now full of woe
I miss you more than the winter snow misses the land
The same way I miss the smooth touch of your hand
My days are dark without you around
I still wail to the moon like a lonesome hound
I fell for you harder than I should have allowed
Now instead it’s reversed and at your feet I have bowed

I have a dilemma in heart and mind
My brain to me is so unkind
Do I suppress my evil thoughts
With a measly prescription, store bought?
I’m staying strong for him
But some days depression wins
And my anger bubbles up
So instead I wash it down with a cup
Of water and a little nauseating pill
It’s blue and powerful, it often makes me ill
I worry to start again
Because I could barely stop back then
It’s not worth the toll
So I flush them down the toilet bowl

I'm sick and tired of every liar that crosses my path
Give me a break
And for your own sake take a wooden stake and drive it through your blood thirsty vampire heart
I know you like to see me bleed with each crooked deed I do for you and I fear that I’ll fall into your trap but I’m already wrapped up in those arms
The arms that I once called home
The arms that kept me safe in every place I went
The arms that bent my stick straight spine into a frayed piece of manipulated twine
Which time after time has formed my mind into a cynical beast that can do nothing but feast on the negatives it hears
While also being all ears to the positives that appear
I see the good in everyone except me yet how can it be that I shouldn't get that drink for free
I think so low of myself and my health suffers from it but I get offended when I'm rejected and another pretty doll faced girl is selected over me
You smile when I fall and crawl to your feet like a little puppy after being beat
I scamper and whine for a savior or something divine to intervene and help me find the green light out of here
But it’s dark with no color in sight despite the flicker of my imagination
I go back to fear because that’s all I know now and there are few emotions I can show so how will this work if you constantly irk the angry part of my lying brain
I'm going around round round insane
I'm literally going insane and it's vain for anyone to think they can tell me how to feel or how to heal because if you're not living this battle you have no say so on any given day I have a right to be sad and a right to be mad and if that makes you upset then my best bet would be that you should flee because I'm going to keep being me
I can't live my current life and I don't see any positive end in sight but I'm hanging on tight for you and those who care and even those who just sit blankly and stare
I see you
And you see me
But neither of us say a thing until we've passed
Then the whispers begin and yeah envy is a sin, but I wish I was like you
Normal and happy not constantly sappy waiting for another day to go by so I can pop my pill and get my mental fill for a few seconds before being empty
I'm numb when I'm on drugs and it's hard for me to find pleasure in even the lovely lightening bugs
I used to smile and chase them with bare hands and feet
Now I sit idle and my eyes follow them, glazed over in defeat
I feel like the thoughts seep from my brain and although it sounds lame I often find myself repeating, "What was I going to say?"
I forget how to hang onto a thought or a phrase and I can't even raise an insightful question anymore
I'm only part of me and who I used to be but it's better than constantly being angry
I take this medicine for breakfast, lunch, and dinner
Hoping one day it'll make me thinner yet I know deep inside that once again I have lied
To myself and my friends and that regardless in the end
No matter what I say there will be someone I offend
Because I'm rude and ruthless and wholly disrespectful
I'm a mess on two legs and dude to tell you the truth I'm a handful
I can barely handle myself or suppress my mean mental health
Oh well, but it ***** being told that you're kind of a bad person
But it's okay because everyone see's it and acknowledges it, so it must just be the way you are
Less than sub par and far from ideal I struggle with what to say and how to feel so it'd be better if I just stopped talking
Yeah, drop it all and stop talking

You were mine
You were my words and my thoughts
The whisper in my ear
Singing to me a song only I was blessed enough to hear
But the melody faded,
Dissipated into nothing but a hum
Now I dully strain to make the song remain
Yet it has grown so quiet
That when I try, all I hear is rain

I told my love recently that he never writes for me
He claimed it was because of his insecurity
The English language is complex
I agree, but it requires thought and what comes next
So my love then began to think
And with his words he made my heart sink
In a way that was full of emotion
And it renewed my everlasting devotion
He wrote for me
A piece of poetry:
"Your eyes sparkle,
Sparkle like a thousand fireworks,
and I marvel like a little kid,
Looking into your beautiful green eyes
like a lushes forest.
Hoping to get lost with you in the wild"

When the lights dim and the music gets loud
I search for your face that I lost in the crowd
I sway back and fourth to the sound of the beat
My hips constant motion matches the rhythm of my feet
And I survey the dance floor looking for a suitor
But I know you’ll dance with me no matter what and not her
The music penetrates my soul and mind
You’re the only body I want to find
Pull me close and never let me go
Take me out to every late show
And I’ll dance with you from the night till the dawn
And we’ll never have a dull moment or the faintest yawn
We’ll party like it’s 1983
And at the fading of the music I’ll get to take you home with me
And if I’m lucky you’ll spend the night
We’ll wake up together from the sunbeams of light
And we’ll do it all over again
When we can
Because honey your body pressed up again mine
Is nothing short of blissful, divine
And feeling your heat radiate through me
Is better than a sedative or a tranquilizer at subduing me
I call your name in my head in the club
In anticipation of seeing you my thoughts blow up
And I can’t wait till our eyes meet once more
I knew I wanted you the moment you walked through that door
Dance with me under the moon and the sun
Come on baby, the night is still young

Anger brings out a side of people
Perhaps one that hasn’t been seen
But then again it’s useful
It makes the slate start clean

I have a motto now
I’ll live each day for me
I’m done trying to satisfy the thirsty man
And portraying what he wants me to be

Let’s be honest I should’ve seen this coming
After all he wasn’t mine
But God it shouldn’t of hurt like this
And I shouldn’t be silently crying

The waves crashed as my knees buckled so straight
I could hear my inner thoughts screaming “it’s already too late!”
The water, so jagged and blunt with force
Threw me and my mind fully off course
The amplitude had ceased yet the water remained
No matter how hard I tried some parts were not drained
I suppose to me you’re like the droplets of water
Those little bits that aren’t really a bother
But no matter what I know that they’re there
I really feel them when my soul is quite bare
And no matter how I try to dry them
They have become a part of me like a flower to its stem

How can the thing that brings me joy also bring me pain?
You’re like a new toy but every time I touch it my skin gets stained
I wish I could cut my heart out to numb the hurt
But I know you’d shove my wound full of dirt
You still pull my strings and I listen to what you say
I’d do anything for you just to make you stay
Why do I still love you this intensely?
Why do I still hang on to something that was never meant to be?

Then with all her strength
And all her might
She attempted again
To take her life

But to no avail
Again she failed

Your eyes are like the ocean
Your words are like the sea
I can't help but fall in love with you
As your waves wash over me

You once wrote of life without me

You mentioned, "our eternal love for one another"
And yet some how eternal was far shorter than expected

I was upon the water when I was with you
Now I drown beneath the waves
With low tide no where in site

I was far more in your reach than you knew
But I suppose we will never know what could have been
I forget what it is like to breathe above the liquid loss I feel without you beside me
And no matter how many times I tell myself that I will be okay and I will move on
There are still times that my heart breaks and shatters and I shriek into the endless sky
Far more endless without you

What we had was infinity and now it is so finite
The further we got the more it crumbled in my hands
And I am so sorry
And I am so sad
And I am so stupid for letting my emotions take control and ruin what we had

We were the future
And we were the Omega

Now we are the past
And now we are history

"Just remember when you think you're free, that crack in your heart is me"

But I'll never be free from your company
My mind circles around you aimlessly
You know, Manson seems to know a thing or two
The crack in my heart will always be you

The way you wash your hands makes me wish I was between them
I don’t profess to know the future but for it you’re my stem
My bed seems empty unless it contains your light
And when I sleep with you I’m sure I will forget the night
The words you speak are unlike others and I know they’re always true
In the end no matter what it will always be me and you
I only feel alive when I see you in my view
But when you’re not around then my thoughts will have to do

She hung by a thread to her sanity
Constantly staring in the mirror she realized her vanity
But if what they call her is "vain"
Then there must be more than one definition to that name
Because her sense of self is "skewed" and "inaccurate"
But to her it's all she knows and she's quite aspirant
Ready for change and to be a new version of herself
Hardly caring about her deteriorating health
Walking into the health club already exhausted
Not understanding how much it has costed
Not with money or credit but with physical wellbeing
Not heeding her body's warnings or in the mirror seeing
Her hair is thin and no longer growing in places
She compares her pale skin to the other people's faces
She puts ******* down her throat in the hope to purge up a candy bar
Convinced her calorie count was taken too far
Her nails chip far too easy
And the thought of eating makes her queezy
Yet the stress encompassing her life pushes her to binge
Hundreds into thousands the floodgates unhinge
Never for sustenance, always for taste
Each and every calorie is a ginormous waste
She collapsed on the Stairmill and in embarrassment and rage
Exited the gym floor as though it were left-center stage
With poise and a smile she laughed as they stared
She grabbed all her gear and left as they glared
When she got to the car she was nothing but angry
Pushing too hard her body sat blankly
Breathing was difficult and by speaking she was pained
Every ounce of her life force felt utterly drained
Her skin can no longer take the lack of nutrition
And her eyes are wavering as she tries to focus her vision
She used to be a student with straight A intent
But all she can think about is the next meal and its scent
Forgetting the most basic things about her day
She forgets how to write and takes a derivative the wrong way
People look puzzled as she waves off their concerns
While in her stomach and throat a deep hunger burns
She stares once again at her monstrous reflection
Grabbing and poking at her bulging midsection
Now huddled on the ground she stares at the ceiling
Entering a loose dreamy feeling
On the brink of unconsciousness she extends her hand skyward
Only then realizing that down to her soul she is tired

I moved to Seattle for the rain and the clouds
The water drenching my window
And the dark nights filled with wind so loud

I moved to Seattle to experience changes
To watch the grey accumulation
Slowly form over the mountain ranges

I moved to Seattle for it's predictable weather
So when the rain hit the windows
The sky and I could cry together

I break everything I touch
Whether I like it or not
The pain is a bit much

I steal hearts like a siren
and leave them out to dry
Men flock to me like pigeons
Yet I don't understand why

My features are average and I'm a grade-A *****
I don't offer apologies for broken hearts, not even a stitch

I have infinite suitors yet I want none of them
I want my Swan, he's my gem

******, the word is a sadistic place
The one man I want, would just laugh in my face

I miss you like the wind does the leaves
But when spring comes, once again they will meet

Some days, the pain without you
Exceeds what I can handle
Honey you were the light of my life
My eternal burning candle
And the flame grew dull with every thing I added
I was stupid to do that
And to be honest, relationships? I'm bad at it!

I often feel a slight pain on the surface of my heart
Who am I kidding, it runs deeper than that
Where do I even start?

I wish I could be with you each dusk and dawn
To see you there with me, beside me
There you were, and now you're gone

Today I am at peace

I released a few crippling thoughts
and the apologies I finally wanted to give
It brings a smile to my face how each day felt like a race up until this moment
I feel calm and serene
For once I don't want to shout or fall down and scream
And I thank you for being willing to listen

It is on the nights, when I can think,
That there is nothing left for me to do
But drown, panic, sink
This music around me changes the scene
I can't figure out how to feel
My mind is so mean
Please save me from what I am fighting
I miss your warm touch
Please save me from dying
Please be my crutch

There was a time when we were happy together
The stresses of life were nothing more than the weather
And every smile on our faces brought us pleasure

But there are times in life when the wind becomes fast
And the sunshine turns to rain so the warmth doesn’t last

There is a split in the cloud, where the sun breaks through
That little bit of sunshine is when I see you
Without my sunbeam, what will I do?

There were cracks of light through darkness
But the rain it still came through
There’s no more need to worry
Because now my light is you

I think about you daily
Perhaps too much, maybe
Do you think of me as I do for you?
I’m lost without Us and my days are blue

My tears are liquid ice
Cold to the touch and full of vice
They symbolize what we had
And the way we were so good yet so bad
I loved you with all my being
Now I am stuck here daydreaming
Of a time when it was your hand I was holding
Before my mistakes stepped in and it started molding
Into something different than before
I don’t know what the future has in store
But oh how I hope to God we can be Us again
I guess I’ll just continue to wonder when