I have never finished
anything
I have no accomplishments
or set goals
so why am I
laying down in bed
bathed in the warm glow of candlelight
all alone
smiling to myself
How is it I can go day by day
laughing louder
and walking slower
than the driven man
Perhaps the answers cannot be found
in your goals or possessions
but in self satisfaction
I am aware I exist
amongst friends
family
and unique individuals
I will pass every day
and that in itself
Is enough.

I am human
just like you
I want to feel
the joy of misery
to cry over my scars
injuries
and despairing moments
because sometimes
all you need is a little grief
to help you feel alive
It is not a dangerous word
nor a harmful poison
A pinch sadness can be beautiful and needed
if you let it come when it pleases
and hold the door when it leaves

A little conversation
would mean the world to me
but this is how
it was meant to carry out
I can’t go back seasons ago
to say goodbye
and neither can you
Maybe a little conversation
is asking for too much
while waiting for months and years to pass
losing my mind
and seeing the world
A little conversation
is something to work for
When I’m old enough
to appreciate a friend
once more
I hope to see you again
for a little conversation

If I choose to be awake
during the early hours of dawn
it is only so
I can stand before the morning sun
feel the warmth and light run through my veins
awaking me internally
and to remind me
how wonderful it is
to be alive

It hits me hard
like a brick wall
crushing me inside out
enveloping my body
with each mighty blow

Sorrow is the horrible truth
to my existence
and recovering
from each time
It forcibly knocks me down
Is my own cross to bear

I walked away.

I am my own worst enemy
for continuing
to keep you close
torturing myself
with your images
and our fondest memories
whenever I feel the slightest form of love
It seems
as time goes on
It only gets harder
because I’m over here
  
                                    and you’re over there.

I once fell in love
in the bustling train station
with the endless stream of people
The carts rushing past
The trains struggling to match the anxious speed of those around them
Here
I see faces
kind
sad
worried and ecstatic
If only for a moment
I share with them
and just
like love itself
brief and beautiful
an instilled moment of nirvana
and then
with the crowds
It ends
leaving on the next train
out of town

I feel no more sadness
I feel no more joy
They are far
beyond my reach
where I stand
between the roads
and crosswalks
unable to move
or hold on  
for very long
where nothing is left
that can be felt
and perhaps
this isn’t
a sad poem after all
for what is more heartbreaking
than sorrow from grieving  
and what is more empty
than joy without meaning
Perhaps it is best
to go on without feeling

Forgive Me
For not noticing your glances
As I passed by
Or truly understanding
The depth of the words you offered

On days when I needed comfort
You supplied an abundance
Treatment of the greatest standard
Never given much in return

Forgive Me
For changing your views
Altering
your bright flourishing dreams
into a shadowing reality

For it seems
I had learned
to love
Too late.

These cold nights
when the rain hits hard
is when I miss it the most
When the wind sighs
and shadows creep over
When I see your face
You surround me
with warmth
with love
The feelings rush through my veins
Closing my eyes
This moment instilled in my mind
will remain with me
on these cold nights
when the rain falls in mourning
Despite my longing
Despite all desires I hold
I know
If I ever see you again
it’ll be too soon

Wrapped in a blanket of blue
steadily breathing
blissful to the world
How I envy
So full of joy
of all the goodness the world has to offer
Unscathed and unbruised
My only wish is to bask
in the light of the world
that took you in with loving arms
and held you close under the stars
so that I may be so lucky
as to shine with you

It never ceases to amazes me
how the sun seems to shine
a little brighter in your presence
and so do I
Maybe now
there is a reason
for this world
that could be nothing short of your smile
and soon
I cannot tell
dream from reality
and why care
as long as you are with me
in both

We are always falling
in hopes of finding something better
below,
but there are times we discover nothing more
than the concrete ground
and the shame of believing
there would always be someone out there
waiting to catch us

I am not quite there
to answer
when they ask
where I am going
from here
Confusing those around me
and making delays seem more
as pleads for help
than what they truly are

I am not ready
to pick myself up
and set a course
for bigger and better things
and do not wish for your hands
to force me up
out
and about
to do all that I cannot do

I belong down
where I can delay the process
another day
and begin again
when I decide.

Nothing brings more bliss
than being warm and inside
on a cold winters eve
sipping tea
all alone

None to impress
None to share with

The sweet simplicity of being alone
but never lonely
of silence
that brings no sadness
of spacious slumber
that isn’t longing for another
and believing
that one day
all work out
as it should

The smoke does not bother me
any more than
the burning flesh
The scars will heal slowly
beneath my clothes
and I will turn my head
the other way
should anyone notice the ash on my skin
or the limp in my stride
because they are the only things you have left to control me
and I will heal
and I will move on
After all, like pain
you are only temporary

How much longer
until my bones to ash
These days cause me to grow weary of life
as everything leads to a creeping sickness of my soul

Days have lost there radiance
and the sun shines over me no more
I cannot take this existence so far from what I once had
The weight of the world
cannot be lifted by my arms any longer

The nights are longer now
and the dark feels like home
Love has said its final goodbyes
and so It is time
I say mine as well

Broken bottles on the ground
Shards twisted
New pain
But nothing I haven’t felt before
Jagged pieces of red
It’s my fault
My own fault
Endless mistakes on my part
I am wrong
and I belong
with broken bottles on the ground

In your despair
you survive
wrapped in pain
no one could ever comprehend
and no one could save

You jumped
and yet here you are
bearing a gift
to ease the pain
of stranger sitting across from you
with tear stained eyes

You fill the world with light unknown to you
brighter than any darkness
and you do not mind
that thanks comes in the form
of an endless stream of tears

Your story
Your name
If only I knew
before it was too late
I would have treasured
every hour spent
in the cold and quiet
hospital room

And now
You fill my mind
With every crevice
you live on
and I live
for you

How foolish
that my reason to live
another day
comes from a small gift
from the stranger sitting across from me
with blood on her wrists
and a warm forgiving smile
on her lips

Who would ever know
that all the thanks I have
would belong to the golden heart
of a broken stranger

Physical existence is painful
To those who feel they burden
Everyone around them
As if every inhale
every word uttered
Every step taken
is just an annoyance
and should be apologized for
A life like this could even be considered no life at all

What is it that makes us keep going
despite believing so deeply
that to go on would be a grave mistake
Perhaps we are cowards
afraid to leap off the beautiful buildings
closing in around us
or we feel unworthy
for even in death
we hold no grace

Burdens we are,
we are born every day
likely to go on with time
All we can ever hope for
Is that we will change
with time itself

It burned me
from the center of my core
I know I am changing
weather I choose to or not
You lit my fire
My insides danced
I changed
You watched the fire burn my skin
and I watched myself change
Into someone I didn’t know
When the fire came over me
When I was forced not to care
looking on at my burning body
I emerged
I was not the same
I will never be the same
and you lit my fire
and you watched me burn

Now and then again
I remember
when I was young
And thought
kindness and virtue
were the keys to happiness

But the harshness of the world
built the calluses
that keeps me alive
today
Refusing to accept
the goodness of the everyday man
And I wonder
have I really grown

If the universe was told how sacred promises were
Would the world comply?

The truth shown though the people,the streetcars, the buildings and homes

Nature itself would refuse its mask                                                
and the rain forever falling for the grief it once hid
as it wishes to send us all away

The world, an everlasting misery of the purest honesty
Piety and Mercy
Benevolent gifts
becoming more and more
a survival necessity

Could living in a truthful darkness
be more powerful than existing
amongst a vibrant lie?

With all that keeps me alive
The world that changes
with every flickering light
in the city
I see only one
Until each light goes out
my soul aches in the city lights
bringing comfort and pain
until I go out
With each light
I will go out

Simplicity

The creaking chairs
two mugs
-cream, two sugar
The coffee stains on the table
I refuse to clean
no matter how many times
I catch you staring at them

Inhale my words
Exhale your thoughts
Billowing sweet smoke around us
Closing in

Conversations put off
far too long
and I wish I could say more
than I had said before

But your cigarette is worn to the filter
And my mug remains empty
The smoke covered sky
Darkens our words

Maybe next time
I will wait for my coffee to cool down
before I drink
Maybe next time
You will bring enough cigarettes to share

Until then I’ll keep my words close
And keep my mugs
as they are
And hope you’ll return to talk
another day

Crowds of the
happy
successful
loved
and
        there
                     I
                           am.
There for myself
supporting myself
loving myself
I am my own shoulder to cry on
and person to turn to
Because after all
I
am
all
that
I
have
all that will not harm
all that will not leave
all that is permanent
and certainly
all that will remain.

As much as I want to pry
into your mind
and hold your arms
around me
In hopes
they will stay put,
I can never be

the one who enjoys your favourite records
your black and bitter coffee
and your old tattered novels,
that simply cannot be me

I cannot admire
black and white photographs
or inspire you
with my thoughts
and actions,
so it seems
As much as I want to surround myself
In your favourite thoughts
and memories

As much as I want to
I will not remain
with them
and will not remain
with you
and it is now
that I see
It is now
that I am free

Maybe I’m crazy
for saying something so brash and sudden
and maybe words
will never do me the justice
I seek
from telling you
that all I have craved this week
is to hear your gentle knock
at the door

I suppose waiting
for the minutes to go by
wont make them go
any faster
I should be putting my time and energy
to better use
than what I am
now

Waiting until you are ready
may have me waiting forever
when my time comes
and if my time comes
Hours will continue their pace
slow and steady

Foolishly siting here
waiting for my time to come
when time passes by just the same as yesterday
today
and tomorrow
Before long
It’ll be
too late.

Man of Solitude

In utter silence
All known is gone
flesh and blood
no more than memory
living seclusion
day after day
no concept of time
outside your own world
no perception
besides recollections of bygone days

What goes through your mind
with each passing year

What keeps you sane

What do you live for
when all you ever knew
has been taken away

The brilliant do not cry
do not fail tests they take
or fall over every obstacle in their path

The intellectual never worry
never stay up late to wonder
If their lives are worth keeping
or quicken their breathes
when they are told to answer

The clever refuse to back down
to allow harsh realities
to get the best of them
or lose faith

The sharp minded cannot falter
cannot hurt or blame themselves
for every wrong doing
or desperately seek the worlds approval

hopeless girl,
in lonely despair
You will never be

                                    You will never be.

All at once
It all happened
and I’m scared of how exactly
I will go on to handle
each and everything wrong
In my life
and with you as my constant.
I’m afraid to push too hard
and send you away
farther than before
But maybe I'm over thinking
as I do when I'm afraid
I’m sorry if I sound like I'm losing my mind
I guess I never knew the essence of friendship
or true love
until the risk of losing it
was ****** before me

I am at war with this water.
I understand its use in this world
I adore its beauty
the feeling
the smell
yet I lash out to it.
I fear I’ll be swept off to drown
to die trashing
as an injured animal.
But most of all
It serves as a constant reminder I have not grown.
As much as I portray myself to be strong
calm
and collected.
I am still the small child terrified of water that I once was all those years ago.
Every time I feel despair and pained from this world
I am drowning on the inside once again,
with no one to notice
no one to help
while I slip away into the darkness
never to be seen.
It seems as though I cannot escape the water
No matter how far I run from the sea,
The water travels within the darkness
and sinks right back into me.

Pain goes through me intensely
as I think
of all the times that I cherish
Suffering for joy
a gamble to be made
In order to shut off from the world
and dream of past better days
Perhaps it is the memories themselves
worn out
from keeping me happy
day after day
driving me to recreate
what cannot be done
once more
Perhaps it is time
to let go

The world
is too big
and life
is too short

What now.

I see you in the stars
the moon
and the shinning sun

I hear you in the rainstorms
the morning doves call
and the trains whistle

I feel you in the fields of green
the warm spring breeze
and the burning fires

You are beauty
living on through every breath
every bright smile
every laugh
every one falling in love for the first time

and now
I will live enough
for the both of us

Faded memories
lose their colour
and conversation
Alive
but wearing thin
with each recollection
and overlapped
by the heartache
meetings
kisses
and partings
tomorrow holds so close
Destined to be replaced
and painfully short lived
So fades another day
and another
and another

Close to the edge
enough to feel the wind coaxing me closer
to lose such delicate balance

Today is not the day
for falling forward
into oblivion
losing sight of body
and living through soul alone

Today
I will fall back on doubt
however
in life
there is no charity
and fate grants no wishes

Tomorrow
I may not be as lucky

Should I be given the choice,
I walk the path
which frightens me most
because
we should exist
with bursts of life
to awaken our existence
rather than
to spend eternity
in endless slumber

The beating sun
chose not to burn me
In my hour of need.
The dancing flames
did not scald me
Through my sadness.
The fire within me
bonded us together
Lighting my fire
and
I
burned
brighter.

Flickering flame
A dance of light
The untouchable beauty
upon her lips
Danger
she speaks
so fast
and just once
she calls out
The flames dance
with every breath
The fire burns her
alive
and she
smiles.

It seems as though my simple path has come to a fork in the road
Now all that stands is choice

Where do I go from here
with no map to guide me
no compass to take me home

The signs lay askew on the trail before me
Offering no help
no direction to take to free me of my ultimate frustration

Forgive me if I ever think to turn back
from fear of losing myself more with this clouded mind I own and hollow choices I make

Which path can you take
If you are already lost.

The hardest farewell ever made will give the most peace of mind.

You can only batter that which has already been torn apart for so long before it simply dies
No rebirth
No healing
No second chance
It dies.

All those who watch point their boots towards better lives and move on
one less person to worry about getting in the way

Now that it is gone they can focus on themselves
and life will go on
days will pass
Children to adults
Jobs and families
moving ever forward to reach their innermost  joys

The dead ones sleep silently
tears ceased
All that holds close are the remnants of memories
Scattered like breadcrumbs to the birds

The girl has died
and once again life goes on

I know
that I cannot control
what direction the wind blows
any more than I can change
what lies within your soul
Despite my attempts
at making myself a home in your heart
there can never be enough room
for me to stay
where I do not belong
and so,
with a heart as heavy as stone
I will pack my bags
once more

Every passing cloud in your sky
has a silver lining
maybe not as clear
when you’re so far down
with your head hung low
Hidden by the storms
and striking lightening
Through the dull and grey
It remains
and cliches aside
It still hold true
shining with a single spark
lighting up the world
and I believe
you can light up the whole world
You are so
nearly
there

Days make this body
so frail
so weak
as colours lose their vibrance
and soon
I can hardly stand

What can the future hold
for my sickness
Will there be sunny days ahead
running,jumping and singing
hugs,kisses and hellos
I can bear no more goodbyes

With my medicines close
and the frost at my window
I dream of light
and a body not my own
capable of so much more
of all I hope to do
and a future set in stone

As my fragile self sleeps
I dream of life
beyond

Gentle nights
So sweet do they sound
The warm glow of the moon and nothing else
The breeze drifting by and by
for the dreamers that wish
for a better tomorrow
Silent wanderers glance up
hoping for better days
in far off cities
searching for the stars
only to find streetlights
to guide them back home
for the day may be for prospering
but the night promises a life beyond tomorrow

Please do not look at me
as though I have poisoned you
with my love
with eyes full of sorrow
brimming to the rim

Please do not talk to me
as though I have held a gun to your head
with my words
with eyes that stare through
the sadness
breaking in

Please do not look at me
as though I have walked away from you
without another word
even if
I have.

I never understood
when people became heartbroken
after finding out their idols had flaws

If anything
it made them more real
more within our reach
reminding us that they are human
despite their darkest times
finding a way to accomplish what we can only imagine

we all have our own demons
it is you who decide
to turn your back
or invite them in

Though we cherish our good memories
in the brightest parts of our mind,
it is the bad ones
hidden in the crevices
that take up the most space
in our minds
The ones we play on repeat
day after day
searching through the sadness
for something
to explain the feelings we hold
The ones that seem to swallow us whole whenever we are left alone
in the solitude
of our minds
If the good memories are kept so dearly,
why can we never escape
the grief we hide
so carefully
in our minds

Its 3am
as I stand in the snow
watching the snowflakes come down
one by one
and all I hear
is your voice

I am my own worst enemy
for hurting you again
and nothing about that
can ever change

I stand alone shivering
I deserve no warmth
I deserve no company
Nothing can be fixed
If I am the problem

Its 3am
and I must decide
where to go
from here