I am here all alone in this empty place

I want to go further, leave this place behind

This is not where I want to be

But something is keeping me here

I am attached to strings

Strings painfully attached at my back

Right where my wings should have been

Pulling me back down

Keeping me from flying

Giving me nothing but pain

As I cannot move without getting hurt

They will not let me escape the tragedy of this cruel world

I have nowhere to go, but here, I know, I cannot stay

Yet I cannot go

And this strings do not only tear my back apart

But also my heart

You'te holding on me to tight.
Give me no space to breath.
You hold me so close.
Never give me room to grow.
Sorry but I can't do this no more.
I want to break free.
Want you to let me go.

I should not look,
She is a girl,
And so am I,
But she is pretty.

He is hot,
I kinda like him,
But I may not,
For he is a boy like me.

A girl and a boy,
Both loved,
Not by eachother,
But by me.

I look in the mirror,
See a body,
But it is not me,
Just my (fe)male version.

I don't believe in life after death.
Someone once asked me if that didn't scare me.
I said no because that means I won't have to live another life



*Living hurts and I don't want the only thing that will stop the pain forever to hurt as well

The cold water of the sea around your legs.
The wind blowing trough your hair.
The moon and stars lighting up the night sky.
Feeling pure.
This is what life was ment to feel like.

The sound of birds waking you in the morning.
The smell of grass and flowers.
The sun comming from behind the dark clouds.
A smile on your face.
This is the life you always wanted.

The smell of the ground after a rainy night.
A storm on sea beautiful to watch.
A leave falling from a tree.
So pure, everything you ever wanted.
Everything there always was but you never saw.

A summer breeze warm in your face.
The singing of a bird.
A beautiful sunrise and sunset.
It feels so new and pure.
But you always had it, all you needed to do was opening your eyes and taking your time.

Life is beautiful
Full of wonderful people
Books to read
Places to visit
Friends to make
And new dishes to try
Life is beautiful and filled with promises
Yet it's so tempting to die

Life or death.
I don't know wich scares me more.

why can't I care wether I live or die tonight?

I am locked up inside myself.
Have nowhere to go.
For it is all in mind.
I cannot run from the demons in my head.
The demons who want me dead.

I am locked up inside myself.
A body that doesn't fit.
A place that I do not trust.
A place I can't run from.
Because you can't run from yourself.

I am locked up inside myself.
With my demons screaming.
They are all in my head.
Just another game my mind likes to play.
Another game driving me insane.

Slowly I start to fall.
Start to hate.
This body I am locked up in.
My mind always taunting me.
Losing the last bit of my sanity.

I am locked up inside myself.
I cannot run.
This is my fate.
This body and mind.
This self hate and this demons.

I tried to run more than once.
Looked for an escape.
Tried to get away from the constant pain.
But never I could change my body.
Or defeat my inner demons.

I am locked up inside myself.
My body is like a cage.
A prison.
My demons the other inmates.
But it is all in head.

It is just another game my mind likes to play.
Another trick to make me hate myself even more.
And I know it is all in my mind.
But I can not escape.
You can't run from yourself and your own demons.

I am locked uo inside myself.
And that makes me scared.
Living in a body that doesn't fit.
And demons driving me insane.
But than once again, it is all in my mind and it won't change.

Music playing too loud.
It disracts me from my thoughts.

I am speechless,
have no words,
I can't speak,
I am wordless

Never I had expected this,
that something like this,
would happen to you.
I am so sorry

I am speechless,
left behind wordless,
I forgot how to speak,
don't know what to say,

but your name,
                        Lucy
                                Lucy
                                        Lucy
I love you,
                   Lucy

Mama.
Why am I so scared of telling you the true?
Why can't I tell you how broken I feel?
I know you would listen.
You won't judge me.
I know.
But mama.
Why am I so scared?
If it is not because of you?
Is it because when I speak my fears that they will even become more real?
Mama
I am so scared.
Mama
I wish I could just tell you.

Turning on the music so loud I can't hear my own thoughts.
And that is loud.
Cause in my head there is so much going on.
I am screaming.
I sing along with the song.
Act like I'm fine.
But I am ruining my ears now.
So loud is the music playing.
Trying to fight against my thoughts.
I desperately try to drown them.
They scare me.
I don't think I can always use music to not hear my thoughts.
But true be told I am scared of hearing them.
They might drive me insane.
Push me closer to the edge.
So for now I think I will play the music just some louder.

If I put on a smile an walk out this door,
and pretened that nothing is going on,
look again.
The scars on my thighs and wrist don't lie.
And if I smile,
I just want to cry.
But I will never show,
the pain in my heart,
I will suffer quietly,
live another lie.
But when you look closer,
you see that this is not real.
My smile is fake,
and all I want to do is cry.
Do you dare to look closer,
and see that I'm not okay.
Can you see?
Can you open your eyes for my pain?
And see trough my fake smile.
Because I am not okay.
And I want to scream.
But I don't want others to know,
because they never care.
And when you see me smile,
think again,
before you asume a thing.
Because I am not okay,
and my smile is fake.
My tears don't lie.
My scars don't lie.
They are real,
but my smile is not.
And you would see,
if you only looked a bit closer.

I never ever am alone.
They are always there.
Never leaving me alone.
Always talking to me.
I never mind them.
They are my friends.
The only friends I have.
And they will never leave me alone.

There is no more

I am all alone

No more laughing

Only pain



For there is no more

I am all alone

Just me

And my pain

That we are no boys nor girls.
Neither male or female.
Don't fit in the system.
That we are non-binary.
Doesn't make us any less real.
We are just genderqueer.
Don't forget about us.
We excist.
We are just non-binary.
Genderqueer.
Gender fluid.
Agender.
Transgender.
Multigender.
Genderbi.
We are still humans.
We just have a non-binary gender.
That is all.

No no no,
I am not dead- not completely.
Just half, only on the inside.
On the outside I am perfectly alive.
So no,
I am not completemy dead- not yet.
Just only on the inside.

you call me a sweet girl,
tell me to behave like a lady,
I  am your little princess.

But what if I don't want to be a princess?
Am not a lady?
And don't feel like a sweet little girl?

you call me a pretty girl,
a compliment, but an insult for me.
you don't see.

in your eyes I am your daugther,
Am I a girl,
But sometimes I just want to be a boy.

I am getting old, my bones need some rest, I can't walk for too long,
I can't go too far, for my time may soon come,
I wish I could follow, come along, but you are young, and soon my time will come,
Hush now, sweet child, carry on, as my time has finally come.

I want to hear your voice.
I want to see you smile.
I wish I could hug you.
Keep you safe.
Hold you in my arms.
And tell you I am proud of you.
You're my precious friend.
I will always protect you at any cost.
Too bad Skype is the closest we can get.
I wish I could meet you my dear friend.

It is all in my mind.
I know you don't feel the same things as I.
But does that make it any less real?
Does it make me insane?
Oh and by the way, you my call me Nathan today.
That you don't understand me or my thoughts, the way my mind works.
Is that reason enough to call me insane?
Because yesterday I was a girl and today a boy?
Is not fitting in the binary system reason enough to tell me that I am crazy, wierd, insane?
That you don't understand, don't feel the same should not mean that you can judge me. Can't it?

Somewhere between sane and insane dwells the lonely poet's soul.

Respect for everyone on here who acts so sweet,
Little acts of kindness everywhere,
Intelligent poetry and clever comments,
Supportive people and sometimes a kind private message.
Being on here restores my faith in humanity.
The people on here are beautiful, all in their own way.
Never I will say without flaws, we are all humans here.
No, we aren't without flaws, that us the best part,  we accept each others flaws.
Respect for everyone here who votes on my poetry.
I am happy with people like you.
And the nice comments on here, on my works and on the works of others, I am proud to be part of this community.
And to anyone who send me kind private messages, you are the best.
Respect for everyone on here, first of all for being human beings.
Secondly because you being so wonderful.
Respect and thank you

Oh little child.
Don't judge.
Show some respect.
For an old man who thought the war.
Fought for our freedom.
For someone who is openly gay.
Someone who does nothing but love.
Show some respect.
Don't judge.
Just because someone is not like you.
Show some respect.
Oh little child.
Help making this world a better place.

I cried for you,
Enough tears to fill an ocean.
I cried because of you,
My tears the source of a river.
I cried so much,
But you never saw my tears,
You never saw my pain,
Never knew what you did to me.
And I cried a thousand tears,
Enough to drown in,
And I am afraid that I soon will,
Don't you know what you mean to me?
I only cried a river for you,
Deep enough to drown in
I cried you a sea of sorrow,
A river of tears.
But you still don't know what you did to me,
Still don't see the pain you brought me.
And I hope one day you do,
But till that time I will continue crying my river of tears.

How do we stay sane in a world of madness?

Thinking and feeling scares me.
And that is not okay.

whispers,
mean words,
as I walk trough the school corridors
Another rumor

Laughter,
cruel words,
people yelling things at me as I walk by
Another word every day

Fat
Ugly
Gay
That are the words they say

rumors spread through the school,
people laugh at me,
they call me a disgrace,
yell at me

hopeless
*****
*****
Little ****

They call me things,
They talk behind my back,
Never care for what I think,
I am hopeless anyway

Fat
Ugly
Gay
That are the words they say

They try to break me,
think this is a game,
but they don't know,
that I am already broken

Tell me what you see?
Tell me what you think?
I am like a piece of art in a museum.
Visable for everyone.
But only a few people can see what I truely mean.
I am like a book in the bookstore.
Everyone can see me but covers can be misleading.
Only one will get to read me.
Find the true me.
See my deepest secrets.
My darkest fears.
My hopes, my dreams, my everything.
I am like the rain.
Some people will only get wet.
Others will feel me falling on their skin.
This are the people I want to live with.
But they scare me too.
I am a poem.
Everyone can read me.
But only a few can read between the lines and see what I truely mean.
And I would love to meet someone who feels me like that.
But it scares me.
My true self being visable.
Vunerable.
All my fears, dreams, secrets, hopes open to see.
But I am ready.
Ready to show, to share.
So please take a look.
Maybe you are the one who sees me.

sitting in the garden
watching a spider
poor thing
has only
seven legs left
but
walks so fast
the spider is
so much like
every other
little
spider
but
with only seven legs
this spider is still
a spider
even though
it has seven legs
it still walks
so fast as any other
spider

your house of cards is falling apart.
you thought it was so stable, silly child.
You should have known that you can't build on lies.
Not without your world ending up collasping.
oh silly child.
Your world is falling a part as the people see the real you.
The true you tried to hide for way too long.
My silly child.
Open your eyes and speak your mind.
Forget about the collasping world of lies.
And start living your life.
Stop being so silly my sweet child.
Open your eyes and go outside, forget about the lies and start living life.

For walls and a roof... sitting on the floor.
Broken dreams are like shattered glass.
Don't move! You will get hurt.
You will always get hurt when your dreams are broken and your hopes shattered.

The light is broken and it's dark outside.
Can't tell where there is a door or window.
Escape out of side. So why look for it?
You will only get dissapointed when you hope to find something in the utter dark.

I want to sleep. I am tired.
I don't want to wake up until it's all over.
I am exhausted. I don't want to anymore.
I want to go to sleep and wake up over a thousand years.
Or maybe later. I don't know.
I don't think I really care whether I wake up or not.

Your lying next to me.
I can hear your breathing, steady.
You are almost asleep.
A calm beauty.
Finaly you get some rest.
I can see you needed it.
For the days are long.
Bring so much pain.
But here you are safe.
Can get some rest.
So sleep on love.
My beautyful wife.
The love of my life.
The days might be hard.
But the nights your here.
Next to me.
And I will keep you safe.

Soft sweet tones

Coming from the piano

Slowly I drift away

Listening to this pure beauty

I don't have to worry

I am free

As the music fills my mind

And I am finally not alone

The music is my company

The only company I need

On this journey

Guided by this sweet tones

The pure beauty that takes me away

My mind is floating

Sweet tones fill my heard

I am not alone

I have music

Soft sweet tones to accompany me

Something is wrong with me,

I don't know what,

but I am different,

I feel different,

I don't feel like I fit in,

There is no place for me,

not in this society,

I am sorry,

but I am not -can not- be,

who you want me to be,

I am different,

Something is wrong with me,

I don't know what,

But something isn't right,

I am sorry,

I am not who I should be,

sorry that I don't fit in,

I can't help that something is wrong with me

When I have to be strong for you,
When you are scared after watching a horror movie.
It is so hard.
Cause I constantly feel like breaking apart.
I am always so afraid,
Of my own thoughts like my wish to ******* die.

I can't get no air.
Not enough.
My chest hurts.
Panic.
What's happening?

Slowly calming down again.
Oxygen.
Being able to move.
Finally.
That was strange.

In pain again.
The feeling of not getting enough air.
It happens a lot.
Random moments of pain.
And breathing diffeculties.

It is just stress.
I tell myself.
This makes me feel sick.
Most likely it is just stress.
Thank you stress for everything.

If I could only slide my wrists and die...
If I only could leave this place behind...
If I only could OD on some pills or...
Jump of a building so high...

I fear I did be gone by now
Weren't it for those people who care
That I am fighting

I want to die
Hurt myself
Commit suicide
But I promised them not too

You think I romanticise suicide?
That I can find glory in death?

You're wrong.

I don't hope for romance, there is no romance in laying six feet deep.

Being defeated by your own mind holds no glory, there is no pride in suicide.

You say...
Get over it.
You can fight this.
It's only in your mind.

And you're right.

It's only im my mind so stop telling me how I feel.

So shut up.

I know it's weak.
Selfish... but it is my choice.
I know you think it's a choice to be happy.
If it was did you really think I would choose this?

sadness
pain
depression

Suicide

Trying to write a goodbye.
Wondering about the music for my funeral.

Suicide

I'm always scared but fighting.
I am weak but never giving up.
Never giving in.

I don't think this is fun.
This is suicide your talking about.
No romance.

Empty of joy and glory.
Suicide.
A way out.

Tears are streaming down my cheeks

They aren't sweet, they more taste like the sea

Why do people say sweet tears?

For mine are never

They are bitter like my thoughts

They are salt like the sea

tell me...
tell me this isn't real...
tell me he aint gone...
tell me I will see his smile again...
tell me...
...please...
tell me...
that losing him was only a bad dream.

Even if I lived a thousand years I would not find the words to describe the beauty of a kind and happy smile.

The black monster,
It is in my bed,
I can feel it,
It is warm against my leg.

I used to be that happy little girl who danced trough the streets, smiled at everyone she met.
Now I am that depressed boy who locks himself up in his room, never comming out, because people might notice his *****.
Oh, the difference between this two.
But both are part of me and my past.
Who will I tomorrow be?

Many people fear the dark,

But there is nothing out there

Nothing to be afraid of

The darkness is safe

For as in the darkness you don't have to hide

You don't have to lie

For there are no judging eyes

It is silent as I walk through the woods,
The old dark trees standing sadly in their places,
Not able to move,
There are no sounds,
The silence is complete and I am all alone,
Only me and the trees,
And I wander,
Get lost in the unfamiliar woods,
A place o so old,
Yet so unknown,
Cause no one knows,
How to reach the eternal forest,
You hear about it in old song,
Read about it in books with almost forgotten lore,
But I can barely recall any of them,
For the forest takes over my head,
Controls my moods,
My thoughts and fears,
And I notice that we slowly become one,
The eternal forest and I,
I am becoming one with the woods,
Don't feel different from the tree next to me,
I stop walking,
Just stand still and breath in the cool air,
I lose my mind,
My grip on reality,
I don't remember the time before here,
The forest is slowly taking over my mind,
And I notice I haven't moved yet,
Not for over a few days,
But I lost all my desire to,
I just want stay here in my place,
And become one with the trees.
Part of the eternal forest.

There is a ghost in my house,
Scaring me everytime I see her in the mirror,
Short red bown hair,
Black clothes,
An ugly fake mile and dead  eyes,
I know who this ghost is,
She dyed many years ago,
Her name is Natasja Raven,
Her name is mine,
I turned in a ghost a long time ago.