it's just us in this hazy bedroom. me & you, your mouth & my neck. i know that these bruises are the kind only love leaves. your teeth, they sink into my skin like i am a fruit forbidden from your tongue, like i am a fruit you needed to taste even if it meant succumbing to the shame of sin.

but there is no shame here, & i'm only allowed to glow, i'm only allowed to sing (to bleed) when you leave me little stab wounds onto my bare skin with the sharp edge of your canines. with your animalistic passion. & when god turns the other way, my nails scrape your skin, digging through your flesh to search for the paradise that lies underneath. you ask if i have ever felt so holy, & i can only respond with this hot spring of tears down my cheeks & eyes that beg you to devour me.

you stab your way into my fallen kingdom. you wash over my collapsed temples. you bite into my fruit. you cry amen & my choir follows suit.

the world is spinning backwards.

you look me in the eyes
pull my hand to your mouth
and graze your tongue along my 3 fingers

my mind is spinning backwards.

you planted this seed
and i swear to god, as she is my witness,
i pray that you return to grow it.

my heart is beating backwards.

I don't want to feel this way but everything is darker dark darker
And everything you say to me shatters my heart and soul
And everything you don't hurts even worse

safe sounds run soft in this world. eyes shut running backwards but reaching for the sky, my hands touch the horizon, fingers grazing an almost liquified sky. i focus on how it feels, not how pretty it is, and when i touch it, i can feel the colours can feel the things it's seen. it has seen so much.

                   i cannot save us
                   from the type of destruction
                   in my heart and head.

it's all about the wrong green, you know. shattered mirrors can't see intentions, but everyone's trying to make the green and have the happiness they think it can buy. the sky kisses truths onto my fingertips. it tells me that it has seen too many men lost to greed. too many men chasing a feeling rather than chasing the honest thing of it all. maybe the greed consumes them because they go about life with their eyes shut.
                  
                       i am so sorry
                       but blindness is the skin
                       i made, and it bleeds

"don't use me as a warning sign there's a place a few miles from here, past the place that reeks of the weakness of men, they call it utopia but it is not free of all the things that eat men alive. those animals are just more tame here" the sky speaks these things and i believe them only because i need to believe that men aren't slaves to their own blind-hearted goals. safe sound ring as men fall victim to it all.
                    
                      i'm leaving today
                      not to find more of the green
                      but to feel safer

we paint pictures of a war nobody remembers, but the sky does. oh yes it whispers it's pain and cries because it's got so much to cry for. "i have seen the blood of everyone dead and will see the blood of everyone living shed on the grass. the quiet deaths are just another safe sound you learn to embrace when you are this old." my chest tightens. "but what about the stars? there are people who stare up at you stricken with grief and hope all at once." the sky laughs, cold. "it's not long," it says. "it's not long before someone tries to claim them too and hope will be gone and grief will remain.
        
                       i refuse to think
                       that there's nothing left to hold
                       on to when in grief

i try to find a million words to match all that i am feeling,
but all that comes out of my mouth is steam.
hot air, water clinging to my breath.
i'm longing to drink coffee with you on a balcony
where everything is
beautiful, including us,
and all you can say is a cool breeze of a "thank you"

we are not angels.
we stopped doing those drugs since
dreaming can numb you.

i beg you to rip my wings from my back.
they don't remember how to fly. i've forgotten how,
since you've stopped coming to my window,
since you've stopped calling me pretty,
since you have been on my mind like a scratched cd,
and that one line is full of your words, and they repeat
over and over and over and over.

i used to be bright.
but all glitter is not gold.
this i remember.

i cant bear to even look at the stars. those broken
constellations seem so sad now
that you aren't thinking of me
when you see them.
i open my mouth and all that comes out is a swarm
of bees and they sting me into fragility
until i just break.

we weren't even what
i had wanted anyway.
so why does this hurt?

he's with this girl now, she got eyes so blue
it sort of makes me sick
he's with this girl now, her name is savannah
she's in his life where i used to fit

and i know it's been too long
since my hands don't remember his face anymore
and i know i've got to carry on
but i don't know where to hide away
and i know it's been too long

i've got these thoughts now, lying in bed alone,
i'm cold and shaking bones.
i'm kind of lonely without holding my own,
i'm sad but i don't know.

and i know it's been too long
since my hands don't remember his face anymore
and i know i've got to carry on
but i don't know where to hide away

i'm so afraid
of what comes next,
after the intense emotions and feeling high
after the thoughts of you being my lullaby.
(honestly i've fallen asleep thinking of you
smiling because of you,
every freaking night.)

but what if this is all
just a dream of mine
and it hasn't really come true?
what if i wake up to find,
that i have seemed to
have lost you?

i keep replaying
the way you said my name nervously,
the way your voice sounded
when you said you had a crush
on me, the way i wanted
to cry because my dreams never
ever come true the way i want them to.

so this must not be real.

but it feels so real, babe,
and that's what scares me the most.

i'm constantly reminded
of the love i tried to coax
from a blade.

it reminded me
that i was real.

that no matter how empty
i felt,
i could still feel something.

i got more love from a razor blade
from broken glass
shattered cds
(anything sharp as his wits)

than i ever got from him

and yet somehow,
i'm still clean?

maybe because both of the loves
weren't real.
no matter how alive
they made me feel.

shriveled cells.
(if you need peace of mind,
i can give you a piece of mine)

oh wonder.
(hold still. i'll kiss you in
the rain and you'll be beautiful)

nightmare before christmas.
(you are a lot like someone
i left behind- who are you?)

jelly beans.
(sweet, sour, and lifeless.
don't you ever...)

daisy chains.
(you're going to be something new
i just don't know what else to say to you.)

i.
midnight drives on these long nights,
i leave the heat
low
in my car
so i can see my breath
in order to know
that i am still breathing- alive.

ii.
after the blankets
of white
come the blooms of brilliance
roots sunken under green.

this is the kind of feeling
that makes you
soar
over mountaintops
and trees
of green.

iii.
bare arms and
tank topped torsos
sweat dripping onto
each other as we
embrace.

words i say
emanating heat and
childlike perfection
chalk marked sidewalks.

bright eyed, i say yes.

iv.
colours.
orange, yellow, red.

the trees
are on fire-
it's that time
of the year.

the trees are on fire,
but
cool air
is
holding desperately
on to
my space.

v.
maybe your heat could melt my icy skin. condensation dripping from your finger tips. i'm holding on to this, this moment. my life isn't in several shades of watercolour blue hues, but in vibrant shades of yellow. mustard is the one shade that's screaming whispers and lighting matches.

my heartbeat is like a quiet thunder
and these tears are the showers
that water the love-seeds in my chest.

there’s not enough color in my head
but there’s so much red and it bleeds.
my love for you bleeds,
and the roses that grow here
are covered in thorns.

i can’t hold on to them
and come out
without scars.

i know my feelings aren't significant,
no matter what my mother tells me, and i'm losing my words.

my eclectic mind is in a way
lost. lost, lost, lost, i'm so freaking lost but this repetition of confusion will do nothing to save me from myself.

my hair's all over the place. you say it doesn't make me look a mess. you say it makes me seem real. you say
nothing anymore.

this is thirst,
the force of which could **** innocent people. a drought of love can be dangerous.

soft sound.
a whisper into your satellite dish reminding you that you are deaf to beauty and blind to the love that's in front of you and always have been.

she who wanted to be
more
than a pretty face
and soft skin

/

nothing more
than a fading
daydream-
sick

everything about me is sick.
maybe in the rad way i used to be,
or maybe i'm just ill.

there are worse things.
my body could turn on me
while my mind is going sour.

(my soul is rotting you can smell it on my breath.)

my eyes are always open
and life-
it isn't sweet enough.

sweat drips down my spine
and i shiver while someone
whispers hallelujah in the silence.

(i'm sorry but i am no longer a green girl. my leaves are turning brown.)

albert kamus is this
absurd enough for you:
loving and loving, running dry?

everyone says i'm not a waste
of the space
i've been occupying

but i dare not occupy yours.
you are too clean,
and god, am i sick.

unstill life with a peach pit.
//

i paint you in every colour before you leave my field of vision.
i spit out words i don’t understand like i love you, i need you.
you dance with me in my bedroom, spin me around until i’m blue
in the face, you say you love my glow in the dark, i say but you
shine brighter.

maybe we could sip on the cyanide in our peach pit smoothies
while i carefully contemplate? i don’t quite understand this but i dream
anyway because there’s nothing better than our flashlights.

i’ll make you a thousand mixtapes and we can dance to modern
day synth pop and we’ll feel like we’re in the eighties. i’m a nineties
baby i just made it there. syncopated words, and clever cacophony
spill out of my mouth, you’ve got my lip gloss on the corner of yours.
stay careful, i don’t know what any of this will mean in two weeks.

but, we’ll go out singing,

*baby, we’re golden,
baby, i’m holding
on to you.
baby we’re golden,
baby i’m holding
on.
baby, we’re golden
baby, we are,
we are,
we are...

my organs in a snapshot
//
i might rip my lungs out because you’ve become my every
breath, and i can hardly deal with ache in my chest. is it love?
everyone can tell that i am different. everyone can tell that i’m
glowing and maybe it’s because of you, maybe it’s because the
two of us make something like starlight. you are the very
creation of every single constellation, you are my inspiration,
my oxygen, the very consolidation of truth.

you rip my heart out and bring it back moments later. it’s laced
with fairie lights and twinkles, and somehow it’s still whole.
you are the only person that has not torn it apart.

god, babe. no one i’ve met has made me want to sing the way
you make me want to sing. i’m resting my head against your
chest as we dance to our favourite mixtape. slow and sweet,
like maple syrup. it’s been almost three weeks and i know
exactly what this means. the butterflies in my stomach turn into
fireflies and they love you.

and now you’re thinking,
baby, you’re golden,
baby, i’m holding
on to you.
baby you’re golden,
baby i’m holding
on.
baby, you’re golden
baby, you are,
you are,
you are...

i'm scraping dreams from my skin
with my fingernails.

dreams where you move down here.
where i'm your little spoon
and i'm in your tee shirt.

water beats down
and my skin is raw.

oh, silly little me.

i can't scrape away the pain
in my chest with fingernails

and red hot water.

when all i see is my darkness
pitch black and uninviting,
you see shining stars,
and moon-lit clouds with
silver linings.

those skeletons you sleep with
are all half alive
but you've still got that half dead
look in your eyes
those skeletons you sleep with
aren't the type you can hide.

the scars on my wrist don't mean i wanted death, you see.
it just means this life wasn't quite bright enough for me.

i'll make it snow if you want it to,
i'd suffer the cold if only for you.

you have eyes full of intergalactic spasms and
a smile quiet like falling snow.

but right now, silent whispers fill your gaze,
and we're meant to be slaves
to the quiet.

i hope everything works out
for you, because i hate this too.

this hurt in your eyes it's-
this pain on your face just-
i love you too freaking much
to want this for you.

so i touch your hand,
and hug you a second too long,
although neither of us want to cry today.

just know babe, i'm always here for you.

you can find home in me,
when the one you're living in
feels like hell.

you can find home in me,
if not anywhere else.

you, my love are a work of art. a modern masterpiece. i look at you, and i can’t believe someone like you ever loved someone like me.

my love, you are softness personified. your eyes, your hands, your smile, your mouth, your eyelashes. but over all of that is the way you care. you act like you don’t, but with me? you always care so so much. i love that.

when i’m with you i feel so many different things at once, like:
at ease
in love
blissful
happy
loved
important
beautiful
and so very soft

you make me feel so soft and pure. like i am painted in one singular, elaborate, brush stroke. like i was sculpted from clay. like i was made from the crack in god’s ribs. like i was born from a quiet thunder and the tentative pitter-patter of summer rain. like the trees whispered me until i emerged from the soil. like i am a moment in a beautiful infinity.

i saw a brighter light alongside an endless colour palette and a supernatural glow when we first met. i saw it as a sign.

i love how much you’ve trusted me. from day one.

how on our first date, i learned so much about you. how i wanted to give you my everything from that moment on. how i knew. for once i knew.

i love that i made you better. that i brightened your life. that i am your best friend and that you ******* love me.

my love, if i had only one wish, i’d wish for us. i’d wish to be bright with you for as long as any star burning in the sky.

you, my love, are such a ******* galaxy. and i want nothing more than to be one of your stars. or a planet. or if you’d let me, a solar system. i just long to be a part of you the way that you are all of the good parts inside of me.

i just want to go some place nice,
somewhere the sky is pretty- like you.
i want to be like you.
you know, i have a lot to give to the world i just-
don’t know what it is yet.
but i’ll get there. i promise i’ll get there.
until then my heart will be in that pretty place
there, the trees will be tall,
and it will always feel like autumn. warm,
but cool. and the leaves
will always be in those orange-red hues,
the water will stay so clear and blue, that
you will see little minnows when
you dip your toes into the creek.
i’m not used to living on the edge, i’m just living
and that’s alright with me,
because i don’t want to be someone
i am not.
i am careful.
i am not reckless.
in that pretty place, the sweet little people
will be in their sweet little homes.
although, some of them will not be home they
will just be in a house.
a house they wish was a home,
but it can’t be because
home is where the heart is and as pretty as that
little place is,
their hearts are not there.
their hearts, like mine, are elsewhere.
perhaps with the stars and their blinking lights,
or at the bottom of the sea,
where the pebbles are rough beneath your toes,
and you try to hold your breath forever
because you are no longer
in the shallows.
you are somewhere deeper.
i want to go some place the water is deeper,
and the people think clearly
through all of the fog
and it’s all pretty
like you.

i think i'm going to break./
i'm so ******* sorry.

nothing makes sense right now and i'm scared
and i don't trust myself and god i'm sorry.

i shouldn't have brought you into this
and i don't know how many times i
can apologize-
but i'm so freaking sorry,

my heart is always yours.
i love you.

You left your honey mouth in the cupboard, so
today your words are fogged glass
Don't you ever ponder upon the bruises you leave?
stained glass is considered art,
but it's not until you put it somewhere
to be admired that people know.
I saw you from a mile away-
like a kitchen fire
and someone's (dead) body.
But you were humming that melody
that made me seasick with its radio waves, and
made me burn bright with shame.
I always thought that maybe you'd see your
reflection in the puddles at your feet,
and that you'd try to change it
with your rain boots, dip them in the unwelcome depictions.
But I know that you'd continue on with your life,
saying that the reflected you was nothing
that you were something. You, in flesh, in spirit
You claimed you emptied your bones and filled
them with pebbles so you'd be grounded, when really,
you were just stuck in a rut,
smelling of sea water,
trying to get some sleep.
I tell myself that you were not wicked,
but why else couldn't you rest?
You sip your lemon tea
out of a little ceramic bowl,
telling me it tastes better that way,
but you weren't always all sour mouth
and sharp tongue.
You used to be fragile like a storm,
and wild as a starlit night,
diving, with the bruises painting you a melody
you couldn't hear, but saw
nonetheless.

i'm rolling
trying to change
where i'm going
and all of my habits
you said i'd change
but i still haven't
look at how bad i'm damaged

sixteen
you're only a little
younger than me
but it doesn't matter
you don't love me because
i flatter
you, yeah you know
that i won't get better

but somehow in this path and
along the rocks that haven't lasted
it doesn't matter how the past fits
in this
lifted
up to be buried beneath
the secrets
i didn't feel his love like i needed
but you make me feel bright
like i'm glued into the sky

i'm sorry
that couldn't get rid
of my folly
and all of my anxious feelings
you always know
what i need and
somehow i'm so incomplete
my thoughts are constantly speeding

impulsive
the water looked cold
but i dove in
and all i saw was starlight
as we walk together
side by side
you are still mine right?

but somehow in this path and
along the rocks that haven't lasted
it doesn't matter how the past fits
in this
lifted
up to be buried beneath
the secrets
i didn't feel his love like i needed
but you make me feel bright
like i'm glued into the sky

you could shine through every darkness
on any given day
i knew that your eyes held the promise
that you'd never lead me astray
because of you i'm living the life that i wanted
that's something i never thought i'd say
and you are where i'll always find solace
i just hope that you can stay

and i know i'm no walk in the park
but i'll go anywhere in search of your heart
i won't ever stop gazing at the stars
but they're not as good as you at burning a hole through the dark

and you are a sunset on the horizon
so softly astounding and pure
and you've got sunlight in your eyes and
i've never wanted anything more
as much i want right now to be blinded
by those stars that i adore
and i have forever decided
to be the ocean to your shore

and i know i'm no victory march
but you have warmed my wintery heart
and if this is where our history starts
i hope we can be all that sky whispers we are

the gods fawn over our love.
they spent so much time
on us it seems.
sprinkling us with beauty and aligning our
stars.
i'm reminded of how moments evanesce,
but ours, they span lifetimes.
and as our lips touch clumsily
like children learning on a street corner,
what it means to love another
for the first time,
they watch.
we, as their creation, glow
and you can see this light
for miles.

nothing gold can stay

i try my best to ignore the fact
that one day,
i'll see my first laughter line
a sign
of my own body rejecting my laughter

the beautiful are
the ****** in this land
we call earth

god blue. why do you have to be so stupid?

i.
my love for him sometimes
was like a whispered secret

in the dead of the night:
quiet and careful.

other times it was a violent
thrash of the tongue,

hands clinging on to the highest
tree branch, afraid to fall.

(afraid to say goodbye.)


ii.
in hindsight i am sorry for trying
to save myself from getting hurt

by you.

i only shattered my heart
in the process.

iii.
(goodbye, ghost, i'm sorry
that i loved you so.)

(goodbye ghost, i'm sorry
that i let you go.)

his eyes spill over with yellow
sunlight
and honestly i've never
wanted anything so
bad.

i found the meaning of life
in his smile/
when he says my name/
in his eyes like autumn mornings.

i was made for him.
and on good, fine, and bad days,
my love is made for me too.

i see my future in that look
he's got in his eyes.
and it's all
i ever dreamed it would be.

tell me
what you want
because i want you

you look the same way
the sunset paints brush strokes
on the horizon

i want to be your horizon.

sometimes we love without a reason why, without knowing anything except for this. the way we clumsily work toward interlacing our fingers reminds me that life isn't perfect until we're content withthe fact that it's not perfect.
you make me see all that life can be. with you here, i am more than content. i am happy.

you changed my life.
like an autumn evening
changes green to red.
to yellow.

your smile is my
favourite constellation.
and i play connect the dots between
the corners of your mouth.

you make me love.
myself.
life.
the world.
you.

*always.

summer is so hot and lonely
and sometimes i wonder
if the skin i am in
betrays me to the world.

i forget without forgiving,
i remember without wanting to
and yet
i want to remember
deep breaths,
georgia,
driving with the top down while
going eighty miles per hour
on a no-name/
dead end
road.

please.
remind me:
why can’t i just fly into the sun
and
feel the heat melt away my flesh
until i am no longer a body?
until i am just soul?
until i am freed?

the starlight/sunlight/pale light
keeping me alive has the power
to tear the life away from me.
do you believe it?

wherever god is,
i think she is crying,
but she’s laughing as well.
she’s laughing at pain, she’s
crying for love, and
somewhere there’s a sun shower.
children are playing and dancing in it,
and a mother tells her son
that “the devil is
beating his wife.”
a son tells his mother,
“this feels
too much like love
to be an act of violence”

and so it goes.

living in the gutter,
but we're longing for the stars
to make life a little brighter.
we can't forget.
there's something pretty
in the eyes of the ones we used
to love.
diamonds, ice, and we can't forget about those sparkling stars, baby.

/

don't forget you're out
in the open;
you can't just love like this.
there are certain things
you just can't deny
and the stars in your eyes
prove that you're
in love.
warm, pink roses hang from your cheeks like crackling ornaments.

/

i can feel your dreams.
flickering eyelids, your heart
ticking like a time-bomb.
like a clock even after time's run out
and all you can
really feel inside
is too much emotion too
much love.
you might just have an explosion in your chest - a supernova.

blinding light's shining
coming from your direction
lighting up my world.

when i first met you,
you had a glow like no one
i had ever seen.

the first thing i saw,
cheeks warmed by hesitation
how would i reach you?

you: a stellar shine.
my heartbeat: a fading drum.
open doors- new love.

i'd cut off my tongue
to taste moon-like shine from yours,
to float / levitate.

everyone's so dull.
you are the best of outer space
shining towards me.

i rotate around you
your vividly bright starlight
your glow in the dark.

when i first met you
i knew that the light you'd shone
would be my first sight.

your light's has begun
my new luminous, pure life.
i see it from here.

i hide the ghost of who we used to be
underneath my covers. i sleep, my legs
intertwined with its legs, my fingers on its cheek.
it looks like our child would have looked, but
it has no gender, no identity other than the
two of us. innocence and frivolity coat its tongue
and unsaid i love yous are cotton ***** caught in
its throat, not set free, the people we used to be
could never set those three words free
into the air. into each other’s mouths. into the sky.
and as the cold body lies next to mine, i wish
i had a bigger bed and didn’t have to be tangled
with the ghost of who we used to be.

he leans in to kiss you. his lips graze yours, a careful brush, so close but not close enough, as the two of you breathe the same air. his breath is warm, his body is warm, everything about him is so warm when you feel so cold. next to him you feel like ice. and his touch melts your cool skin, and you’re melting, melting, gone. you’re kissing him, your chapped lips on fire. your baby is the sun and yes, you know this is going burn eventually. it burns already anyway. but you’d burn into ashes for him. you’d fade for him until there was none of you left.

his gaze leaves nothing of you. you burn until you smolder every time he looks your way. he’s older than you, and it’s almost like he’s lived so many centuries before this one. and he calls you “my love” and “baby boy” and he makes you feel soft even when you’re sweat drenched, even when your skin tastes like the ocean.

you’re on fire, but it’s alright. / there’s pain in this desire, but nothing’s felt more right.

icarus, your baby is a fire.
no.
your baby is a thousand fires.
your baby is a thousand fires,
and each one is so beautiful,
that you don’t mind
how heated
things are getting.

this love is tragic, dear icarus.  and although you know it’s going to **** you, or maybe even because you know it’s going to **** you, you can’t stop loving him, and the heat radiating from his skin.

in this thrifted sweater
and black and white floral skirt

in my soft and faded yellow
and on those pastel clouds
with my daydreaming eyes

i wanted a cheap ticket

you see,
i wanted a one way trip
to heaven
so i could stand protected
so i could stand behind
the holy gates,
bathing in gold light.
in my sweater,
wrapped in light
and safe.

little did i know i’d feel safer that day
that i’d taste some of heaven
in that sweater in late november
with your arm interlaced
in mine
like fate
had planned
for that to be
the moment our stars
aligned

you were a sunbeam
my sweater was security
and your arms beheld the stars
of the heavens
to me

and can i tell you something?
they were all
so
*yellow

naive. used to think that the world meant well and that everyone deserves a second chance. i no longer think this but i would still give you a second- no. i don't know how i feel. i'm falling in love with he who is not you and there's only one thing holding me back. it's the thought of you as i am caught on reverse constantly falling when i'm trying to soar out of this place. i wanted to be ejected into outer space, and i was holding on to my tongue in cheek. oh the irony.
      seconds last lifetimes.
      i'm trying so very hard.
      at last, you will mourn.
2. certain. i'm with someone new, and now i'm so scared. afraid. wary. trust and love and lust are all dangerous i've learned. you grew daisies in my brain and then, you watched them wither. he grows roses where our flowers had died. but now i know nothing. i am unsure of anything but the fact that i am leaveable.
      how easy you changed.
      poisoned. a broken promise.
      twisting in the dark.
3. bold. i remember when i told you that i loved you. or something like that anyway. i threw up the butterflies in my stomach when you called me beautiful, and i couldn't believe you were (almost) mine. i talked to you like you were my everything because you were, now there's someone else and he's almost got me to want to be brave again. i wish i was brave again. for me. for him. but not for you.
      i'll light the candles.
      the glow is surreal and bright.
      blessed be this lady.

i just had the urge to stroke your face, wouldn't that be weird?
don't worry about looking good- you already got that covered.
awh, you're so cute!
i love you.
i appreciate you.
thanks for being a such a friend.

if i was a dancer, you’d be the music, making me feel what you are in every bone in my body, holding me down and lifting me up with every note within you.

can you feel it?

this love is a whisper and a scream at the same time, and everything about that is perfect. your eyes meet mine and they are an intergalactic reminder of what it really means to be. with you i am. there is no want to be, could be, trying to be. i just am.

i am yours, i am happy. i am healing. i am beautiful. you make me feel beautiful in every way, and not just because you say i am.

you are the first thing i think about when i wake up, and the last thing on my mind as i fall asleep.

i am always looking for you when i enter a room and when i’m not, i’m wishing you were there. when i walk into any space,  you are the first and only person i see. it’s like those scenes in the movies where everything blurs, and the two lovers are the only ones in focus as their eyes meet from opposite sides of the room and a love song is playing.

can’t you hear it?

this love is a slow jam and an alternative rock love ballad all at once. it’s the tingly feeling i get inside when you say you love me, and the look on your face when you think i’m utterly ridiculous but also quite funny. it’s our witty banter and the way you always make me smile like some sort of happy idiot.

you are a galaxy with an infinite number of stars. but somehow, i know i can always count on you.

we are always busy trying to pretend we never knew each other, but i haven’t forgotten. at least, not yet. i was everything when i was with you, but you seem to prefer that i become a faded version of that person. life is not something we are promised tomorrow. but we weren't promised it yesterday either.







i'm afraid of the future, of growing up, and losing touch.






none of it matters, though.








nobody cares enough to tell me that i'm wrong when i'm not and lull me into a false sense of security.









goodbye.
goodbye.
goodbye.













goodby­e.

i say tell me

you say el

i say please

you say okay okay okay

i say stop stop stop

you say i love

i say no one

you say well yeah but

i say okay okay okay

you say sorry

i say *there's no need to be sorry i did this to myself

i want to sew this date onto my
heart for ever,
because that's when you,
so careful and so nervous,
told me how you feel about me.

i'm probably not going to sleep.
(i know i should but i won't)

so i'll just listen
to mixtapes

and think about this flower
that's blooming,

and how the way you say my name
makes me want to hold your hand.

i'm a paper doll
ripped in two,
and half of me
dwells with you.

to the monsters under my bed//

i see all of you. in this distorted pink glow, i see you. you whisper at night when i’m wrapped in blankets and my toes are cold. you say things. you creep into my mind and whisper tainted words that are not sweet nothings, but bitter everythings. i do not dream. i become my fears, shattering mirrors so i do not have to see them. i don’t have to see myself.

you are these battle scars, and the reason i am ashamed of them. you are the soft melody with harsh words and you’re on repeat. you’re ******* relentless.

when i was younger, you stayed in my bedroom and came out at night to taunt me. you’re everywhere now. your insults are the godforsaken soundtrack i’m living with.

living. what’s that mean? i sometimes wish i could carve strength from my bones, and wear it around my neck. i slide in and out of the present. no one notices, and the only relic that i bring from this time travel is an ugly one.

i remember being touched on my upper thigh/hands on my face/fear/living in the eyes of the sun/nothing. i remember nothing.

i hate you.

i hate the taste of damp salt. i miss the key to my heart being copied and handed to those who wanted to explore it. i don’t miss the house parties held there by the undeserving. the mess left. the cleaning process. attempting to heal.

some days i awoke and all of your eyes were staring into mine. it did not feel like looking at the stars. it felt like a glimpse of hell. a swear word. a sea of red.

i see all of you. but that doesn't mean that i accept you. in this distorted pink glow, i see you. and you’re not just under my bed.