at first invisible
a sudden gleam, revealed in spring:
grain of sugar in the snow
you nourish me when all else melts.
the endless fields of larkspur & lily;
the gentle sounds we make when we do not fear
in some stolen moment, our backs blinding
against the sun; our mouths
sweetened ripe just like the things
we have not yet made;
a lightness made gossamer wings &
that place where we forget everything
but taking flight.
this whole of the aching sky & more,
the bounds beyond which we dare not or
have not yet touched.
& out of the blue,
ribbons of light,
a forgotten stream of honey, or love
that we have not yet made.
our bodies an offering; a
minute harvest summered &
reaped before we are able to see
what we have done.
*the boys are back in town playing from a beat up jukebox in the corner as i slam shots of well ***** & maintain a visceral & prolonged eye contact w/ you*
anyway i love bees & i love poetry & i'm glad that i'm finally able to write something worthwhile.
why do i even try? you make me want to give up. you make me want to give up. i will never connect with anyone like that ever again. you make me want to give up. the more you make me do this the more i want to give up. im going to give up. im going to throw everything away. im going to throw it all away i swear i will. i will ruin my own life to spite you and i will smile doing it. you kiss the spit and pretend i taste good, dont lie to me i know when people lie i can see it. i see everything i notice everything you think i dont? you think i wouldnt? i have trained my whole life for this and for the moment after you can never make me look stupid. you cant. you cant. im more like my father than i realize and my brother is more like me than he has figured out yet, i see the parallels, see the repetition, i dont want to be like my parents and i hate that my blood looks up to me. i hate that he looks up to me staring at me in the room we share when once a month i decide to come home youre nine years old and youve already lived in more houses than you can count i am so so sorry i love you so much please never pretend to be okay youre more like me than you will ever know if you love god god will love you and if you dont love him he isnt real nothing can hurt you i swore id protect you and i failed i failed i failed you and you dont know it yet but i failed you already i can see it in your eyes that are just like our fathers and i hope you look like me when youre older i hope i live long enough to see it i hope you do too i can sense it i miss you but you need to leave me alone
the room spins in past tense; i glance at the doorway. i could’ve sworn i heard the shift of the floorboards, i say the hinges whisper in my sleep. i let my eyes unfocus on the street lamp from my bedroom window and i follow the tracers; i befriend the ghosts under my bed. my mom only let me paint one wall pink. the memory drifts and gets replaced.
i try not to let you see it but your
kindness shrivels me.
my whole life has been auburn
you think of me when the moon goes missing
i hold your spit-slicked hand
i woke up on the underside of an avalanche
i always try to go to bed with an olive branch
but the morning brings a thorn in my side
i haven’t been here in a while.
i scrape by with poems and songs and each of them says "there is purpose, there is love," and I hoard them as my senses ring and touch turns intangible and the music sings "you are something, God
i don't know what,
but you're something."
would it bring me any joy
to touch a body with no warmth?
the heat is love, patience, being known.
on you like a lotus flower!
blooming in my heart
this shirt is yours and it doesn't feel right, too tight, full of seams that cut your hurt body
"i feel like a kid"
well, you're not anymore!
i pull off the blue plaid so i can see you
"all words are made up anyways"
you led me outside, let my nightdress fall into the sand
put my hands on your shoulders
i saw your secret fear while you watched the white shadows
dancing gently on my skin
translucent, like you -
where were we?
can you take me back?
nightswimming in a future dream...
you’re ******* with me. mom always said your eyes go black when you’re angry and i see it now, too clear, i’m Crying. i’m Terrible, right? like a boil i fester underneath the kitchen table. you can not touch me, you can not touch me, donttrytotouchme cause i haunt this place. i haunt this home and all the other ones i died in; i pull your teeth and make things go bump in the night
so here i am because ghosts cant leave the place they died. my blood is in the other bed ******* in snot. my hands smell like ****. i know your skeletons very well. we dance and bleed together when you walk down the stairs, when you give us that look, we cry when your voice hits the window, my little finger pushes all the bite behind me. we wail in unison.