your love is flower petal soft,
and i hold it here between my
index finger and thumb.
there is something in our touch
that electrifies.

i would split my bones
to give you strength,
and when you reach out
to hold my hand,
i know you would do
the same.

i want to touch my lips
to yours,
because they seem so alone,
and i want to rain over you
like a sky so blue,
but i don't want to reach
too far.

i'm bathing in your light,
and i've somehow emitted
my own.
when you give to me
a glow i've never held,
my hands don't know
what to do.

and yet i still learn
how it feels to
feel/know/want/touch
again.

words like bullets.

i don't want them to hit me.
i don't want to bleed.

i don't want you to hurt me.
i don't want you to shoot.

i don't want
you to
wake up/
get out of bed/
get dressed/
look at me like that/
close your eyes/
turn around/
turn back/
speak/
turn around/
leave.

but your tongue's on
the trigger,
and my heart's beating fast.
and i'm closing my eyes,
counting seconds,
counting sheep
because you can't hurt me
when i'm asleep.

i won't feel a thing.

you're pulling the trigger
and my mouth is quieting the racing bullets,
but although they're muffled they still hit my ears,
the pain travelling to my heart.

i bite your tongue too hard
and you bleed into my mouth
and i try to forget that you said

"i'm sorry."

and i watch you,
everything in me
still.

everything in me
is
lifeless.

you undo me.
no edge left untouched
no string left unpulled-
you undo me.

but underneath these tattered edges
and this unloved spine,
and inside of my burning ember eyes
and blood/love drenched heart,
is something that loves
something that's loved.
you undo me.

i don't want to rush this
because even without the
butterflies in my stomach flying
into your lips
you undo me.
god, you undo me.

our once upon a time was
lost on hopeful memories,
dancing in the midst of
the things you wanted to forget.

i want to see you undo it.

my dream-stained heart is in
love with you
my heart races with your
head on my shoulders,
replacing the weight
of the world.

i want to see you undo it.

high voltage in your artsy
fingertips
like a sweet lullaby.
are you okay?

i want to see you but you're not mine.

i put you under my spell
and it seems just as well
that yours has got me high

this love that we keep
together do we sleep
under this moonlit sky

we glow brightly in the dark
like streetlights or like stars
we both are made of light

and if you hold my hand
together we could stand
let us never say goodbye

please
don't write
poetry about
me.

it never
ends
well.

but i felt so at home in your arms.
like i could've lived lifetimes.
like all the worries that resided inside
of me
were simply thrown to the wind.

i do not think i am depressed,
but i've been showing signs of depression.
i'm holding on until
until
until
god knows what/when/where.

i need
something
bigger.
i need
to be
repaired.

he says she's got freckles
in the shape
of the little dipper
on her back
and that looking at it
is like
gazing at a night sky
with the colours
inverted

is there somewhere
you
can meet me?

(are your hands cold, are your feet colder, do you hear my voice, now?)

i don't really
want
this to end.

(not yet anyway, i've gotten too close to figuring out our dynamic.)

i can't see you.
you
have faded.

(feelings = omnipresent- i can't get away from wanting love from you.)

i keep feeling
want
and it's sad.

(it crawls down my throat making me recite the poems you wrote me.)

everything
you
need is here.

*(find me on the corner of the street where you always imagined us)

i.
if i came to you with a shroud over my eyes, would you ask me why i’m hiding? there’s a whole lot of love, you used to say, and i would stay quiet, while my eyes overflowed with the least of it.

i’ve got lessons to learn, i’m trying to escape it. i’ve got a lot to grow, but i swallowed the seeds- hey. will you kiss me again? you used to tell me that the world is our constellation, that we are all dots connected. will you go? or will you craft me into your grand masterpiece, because i’m still waiting.

the best of us lies in between my sheets, in words i can’t say because they burn my throat. i’ve always been good at swallowing **** whole.

ii.
this is where it started: her lips on my neck, her hands around my neck, doors locked, eyes locked, fingers interlocked, then wandering, but then:
     high dives.

and her skin is soft beneath her t-shirt, and her eyes are heavy beneath her bangs, and her body’s weighted blanket as i lie beneath her. some bit of drowning, and i wanna swallow her whole, hold her quiet shaking in my palms, i’ve a palm on her chest and suddenly we’re
                  just gone.

so all i remember is her mouth and her skin and her, and all i want is her mouth and her skin and-

next time she asks if i’m alright, she guides my hands. she leads me to her jannah, to her atlantis. my hands are under her skirt and my eyes are nervous and she tastes the way she did when we were drunk in her kitchen and i ask her what’s okay and she says it’s okay okay. and for a moment i’m all she wants.

i'll paint stars on your ceiling
to keep you close to heaven
even heaven wasn't enough
to make you want to stay
if you want hell's fire
i swear i'll burn hotter
i'll give you so much love
it'll wash your sin away

i sold my soul to tomorrow
and it told me i could fly.

i've got words of ice and
i can't get rid of my vices
but everything is turning yellow,
so maybe i can make it to tomorrow.

he's another galaxy of stars
that puts the sun
to shame.
it whispers its praise.
and i
am brought
down to my knees.

there's too much light in this place.
i've got to close my eyes and remember.
sit with me a while and remember,
for remembrance is more important when
you have scars on the wrists of time,
on the wrists of your mind, and
everything inside of you is yearning.

tell me how you really feel
about me and i'll try to stop wishing for your love
if it isn't what i wanted to hear.
i promise.

sometimes you just need someone to
tell you that it's worth it,

that living isn't a game
only played
to lose.

i lost everything in moments
i couldn't count on my fingers
and toes.

all my blessings are coming,
i'm sure,

but i'm so blind
that i don't really see them anymore.

sometimes you're sad for no reason
and people ask you
why?

and you cannot answer.

babe, you feel
like home.

soft, warm
and safe.

can i keep my head on your shoulder until i feel alright?
because i can never fall asleep at night,
and you make me feel fine,
like i'm bathing in all of the lights.

you are comfort,
when nothing is
comfortable.

you could be my home,
i don't need a map
to find your soul.

x

i love how when
i'm with you,
i can be my abnormal
clumsy
dysfunctional
self;

and you just match
my weird,
break my fall,
assist my functions,
and care.

thank you for being such
a great thing for me,
for making me happy,
for being an unexpected
but wonderful
addition to this life of mine.

♡ blue

i.
the taste of blood in my mouth is becoming a lot like the twinge in my ankle. it's my own fault, it used to concern myself and others. but i'm learning to live with it. i'm learning to adapt.

it's really not fair
those ocean eyes drag me down
into their whirlpools.

ii.
there are times when i want to smoke. nicotine rubbed into my fingertips. clutching my lungs until the day it lets go. that day will be the day the rest of me lets go with it. finished. done. better. sometimes i wish i was a habitual smoker. that can't possibly count as sin.

i used to defy
gravity like a full moon.
i'm dreaming once more.

iii.
you can leave. i'm saying this because i don't want you to, and i know you don't want to. but if you think i'm okay with diving into a land of "i don't ******* know"s, maybe i can convince you to stay.

i used to believe.
magic. love. nothing is real.
i'll break my own heart.

iv.
i'm gripping the rope that is the possibility of us us us us. us in america- everything is worse here, but i'm here, don't you want to be too? i'll be a girl. the perfect girl. short skirt, long jacket, and a mask of a face. full of unheard whispers, and sweet simple suggestions.

*i'll leave america.
i'll find you somewhere i'm not.
i'll be submissive.

your split-lipped compliments are
boulder-heavy with caramel
undertones,
while i’ve got my basic stardusted
collarbones
and dancing fingertips;
ink stained and lust-conforming.

you’re stitching your ideas
onto my cerebellum,
and as i cry ‘foul!’
you fly away like
you’re free.
spit speckled with blood
and my dna,
you laugh and cry and kiss
like you’re mine.

dreams are growing
like wild flowers, and babe they
make me itch for some sort
of way
to alleviate the pain.
but people claim,
that these moments
we spend are never going
to be more
than little discomfort
and i dare say
that they’re wrong.

my body is not weather proof.
it will wash away
in the rain,
so hold me under your umbrella
and keep me
by your side,
because that way
if all else fails
we’ll wash away
together.

i'm just walking on concrete,
while you're walking on water;
even though you're not jesus,
even though you can't see this
love inside of my eyes.
what a surprise.
what a surprise.

sometimes love leaves you
aching;
longing, for something
your fingers can’t touch,
and your mind can’t identify.

sometimes love leaves you
hungover;
blackout nights/headache in the a.m,
can’t move, your body’s heavy and
last night’s a blur.

sometimes love leaves you
poetry;
lines and lines of whispers,
words that you can only
give to 11:11 wishes, and midnight.

sometimes love(rs) leave;
going like a vagabond,
wanting none of your time,
the ache in your chest
throbbing.

hushed whispers,
in a night, of wild dreams,
procreated a child
and named her hope.

and she,
she whispered too;
quiet dreams of being lost
and/or found
in the thrill of it all.

but these hushed whispers,
in a night of wild darkness
and broken memories,
procreated another child
and named her despair.

suddenly hope was forgotten
and the creator of the hushed whispers
coddled despair.
traded hope for despair.

belligerent, and bitter, and broken
the creator
felt nothing
but the child held in the arms
that used to hold the other.

i was empty
  something was missing
until
        recently
you made me whole again.

you give me physicality.

hugs and hand holds
hands holding my face

in between them.

you gave me proximity.

walking on the sidewalk
your breath lingering on my face

when you turned to speak.
sometimes our fingers grazed

you gave me love.

one cannot know love
until it is a breath from the mouth

of someone beautiful.

at night still wish for someone to love me
the way i've always wanted to deserve.

i wish i was with you
right now
our fingers laced
my head on your shoulder

you used to write my name in stars
every time it left your mouth
you used to pull my soul apart
made me feel like i’d drowned
then you resurrected me
you perfected loving me
like it was an art
and so i had to write you down.

i’d written line after line
about the look in your eyes
the way i felt like i could die
but what’s the point now
in all those wasted words,
when all that’s left still hurts?

the moon is just simply a rock
without the sun to make it glow
and as the hands are ticking on the clock
you are all i know of home
i thought you needed me
please don’t leave it be
you are my every thought
the singing of my soul

i’d sung song after song
about the how your hair was so long
the way i’d felt all along
but what’s the point now
in all those wasted tunes,
when all that’s left of our love’s a tombstone?

one day
i'll know the softness
of your skin
and the strength of your bones.

you know i love you so,
even if i could never
have the courage
to say it.

you can’t run away from me.
i’m the fate you can’t escape.

one day in a smaller city and you
forget that where you came from was like
a small town too.

small cities with big houses,
and rich folks with richer spouses–

is this the american dream?
because i never dreamed of this.
not really.*

all the lights are dim here.
streetlights, table lamps, and stars.
they all are just bright enough to overthrow
darkness, but not bright
enough to give anyone hope.

but the houses are nice,
and everyone drives an energy efficient car,
and it’s all quite nice
if you look you don’t look
behind
the curtains.

one day in a smaller city and you can’t
forget that you are small too.