talking to you
fits like a glove
but
you're not the one
I'm dreaming of

goodbye room
goodbye mountains
goodbye sun
goodbye loneliness

hello snow
hello cold
hello new opportunity

goodbye to the me
i was here

hello life
goodbye death

hello rain
goodbye pain

I feel constricted .
My surroundings are unfamiliar;
Fear is consuming me.
Seeking comfort,
I sip a droplet of water.

Suddenly, a foreign hand,
Reaches into my confined space.
Frightened,
I bite a finger belonging,
To the giant, daunting extremity.

Droplets of blood,
Stain the wood chips below me.

The face the hand belongs to,
Has tears running down its cheeks.
I did not realize:
It was trying to caress me.

I cannot sleep,
Knowing your heart hurts,
As you doze off.

Neither of us,
Are on this planet.
I believe it is why,
I gravitate toward you.

With thought,
You seem to be,
Burning passionately,
On Mercury.
While I am slowly freezing,
On Neptune.

I need to fly away.
With all this distance,
I still think of you.
Maybe if I take refuge,
In another universe,
I will think of me.

some people will only be there for you,
if convenient.
you feel it,
so you scream "I don't need you at all,"
and they breathe, a sigh of relief.

no more pretending is necessary.

will i ever stop running?

when will I no longer,
feel the need to escape?

where are you?
are you happy there?
do you wish,
you could run too?

my life is terrifying me.
I often feel,
I have nowhere to go,

and so I run,
hoping to find something.

my eyes are red.

your touch feels meaningless.
your hug is without warmth.
when you speak to me,
it feels like,
you are doing it,
out of obligation.

I would rather not see you,
at all,
than witness you,
pretending to care.

a tear escapes my right eye,
as you leave.

this guilt,
is eating me alive.
i think it would hurt less,
if beetles did instead.

sometimes i want
my bath to eat me

it's not that
i want to drown
in its water

i want my bathtub
to swallow me whole

i want to feel
the warm water
cascade around my body
as i'm pulled into
unknown depths

never to return
without a trace
that i was ever
here

i have gone down a rabbit hole,
and i see no way out.
I do not see anything:
there is no light.

i wish you were here,
but you are far away.
i guess i will sit here,
with my thoughts,
and stare into darkness.

I know I am really odd.
I think
My isolation,
Speaks for itself,

But,
People scare me.

My room,
Feels so safe.
Its four walls,
Are predictable.
They never say,
The wrong thing,
Or make me feel,
Like a lesser being.

They also,
Never respond to me.
And,
The constant droll,
Of my inner monologue,
Uninterrupted,
Is exhausting.

I stay away
in my bubble
safe from harm
safe from harming

but today
i had to step out
the pop was so loud
and
you fell to the ground

your tears never stopped
the floor around us
was soaked
your eyes
were red and vulnerable

it broke my heart
to look at you
you turned around
and left my view
almost, somehow
as if you knew

this guilt
is eating me alive
i think it would hurt less
if beetles did instead

my fingertips are warm...
like i dipped them
into a hot bath
or ran them under
a heated faucet

like you took them
between your hands
and absorbed their chill

but you are not here
and they are warm
from the tequila

i sit alone
in my room
and think of you

old emotions resurface
feeling the graze of wings
from the ghosts of butterflies
that once flew about
in my stomach

why am i allowing you
to consume me daily
when i haven't
seen your face
in years

I feel like an old shoe:
worn down,
falling apart,

but comfortable.

why do I lurk?
I am so dumb
I sit and scroll
with my right thumb
to see what you post
and what you may like

only to make myself sad

please love her.
lust after her
heart
body
mind
I bet she is very beautiful
I bet she is one of a kind
please love all of her
all that is not mine

I break my own heart
every day
I choose to love you

the constant droll
of my inner monologue
uninteruppted
is exhausting

the sea of blood
you left behind
sticks to my memory
and stains the view
I had of you

when I talk to you
it feels like
I'm talking to
a shell
of a person

hunched over
in the shower
cold water
spraying down

you shiver
I trace your exposed spine
with
my finger
and whisper
"come closer"

an angel
carefully hand-crafted
you.

you crush him
beneath your feet
you turn him
into nothing more
than broken glass
I see your toes
gushing blood

the moon
barely casted a light on your face
but I'm glad it did

As I look at you,
Your face changes.

It falls into the floor.

It has slipped off your skull,
And melted onto the tile,
Beneath our feet.

Trying to pick it up,
Your face keeps slipping,
Between my fingers,
Like hot wax.

It hurts to see you like this.
I turn and leave.

i tried to yell
to release my hurt
but it was not a yell
rather a wail
blood curdling
sounding like an animal
being murdered
i scared myself

my house resides
next to a busy road
the sound of traffic
is muffled
by its soundproof windows
and so are my screams

when i wake
i am jarred
and embarrassed
all that i try to stuff away
blooms so beautifully
and freely
in my sleep

my dreams
paint my desires
so honestly
and never tell lies

I am trying
to keep my head above water...
and avoid looking at you
if i mistakenly do
I will sink so deeply
air will no longer be
a familiarity
not even a privilege
simply nonexistent
instead
i will solely breathe you in

how long
must i wait
for this weight
to be lifted
off my chest
my heart and lungs
are being crushed

as i ache
i cannot call out
for help

i wonder
if you will ever see
how gorgeous you look
as tears slip down your cheeks

i see it in your eyes
the way they falter
as my gaze
brushes along your face
i hear the crack
in your voice

your forced smile
breaks my heart

sterilize my mind
you
are an addictive habit
maybe if i chew gum
with the flavor of you
i can beat this addiction

you are not a rose
i would never compare you
to something so fickle
and temporary
you are a piece of
broken handcrafted
glass
misunderstood
dangerous
but beautiful

take away my ability to dream.
so there is one less reality,
in which,
you break my heart.

please bite me.
sink your teeth,
into my flesh,
and drink up my anguish.
consume my agony.
drain me,
of the pain.

**** my veins dry,
until I am hollow,
and all left to do,
is fill me up,
with your love.

my feelings for you,
are so strong,
yet they remain dormant.
often times,
I wish for them,
to never be awakened.
the love,
is oddly intense,
and all-consuming.

it has to be true,
that you feel it too,
even in the slightest.

a swinging gavel is coming down,
smashing the glass mirror,
that once showcased,
my stupidity.

it is blatantly clear now.

the mirror is no longer a necessity,
or an aiding constant,
that I never utilized,
to my benefit.