I feel myself falling down the familiar steps of despair
Each step my breath is taken from me
Each step my strength weakens beneath me
I can hardly hold up my frame as I walk
I feel my legs shake with each step

“Just one step more”
I hear them saying
But I can hardly take a step at all
For I shall step into misery and despair

I feel myself failing
Falling…
Down that familiar spiral that I wished to avoid
An endless well of pain and suffering

I will not take the leap
Rather I shall be shoved in
By words voiced as encouragement
Yet all I can feel is the venom behind them

They say they wish to help me
So why do their words cause me such pain?
Is this love?
Is love just misery?
Is love just pain?

I used to be so happy
I thought I had finally escaped
The bottomless well of pain and suffering
Instead, I have slipped on the last step

I find myself falling once more
I tell myself to hold on
I tell myself to get better
I tell myself I need to do better

My hands slip when I reach out
A hand comes my way to help
I grab on for dear life
Only to find they have dropped me down
The bottomless well of pain and suffering

I know I am loved
I know I am cared for
So why does their affection cause me such pain?

I weep before them
Willing to shed my pride and armor
I am told my tears are ugly
My frustration is hideous
My anger, useless

I do not wish for these feelings
I do not wish to feel at all
I do not wish for anyone to see
Because all they see is the hideous thing I am

A poor pitiful creature
Slowly falling down
The bottomless well of pain and suffering.

As my heart is being shattered
My love is gone
I miss on the forever dawn I see

I wish he will find
That I am the one
Then we will walk together on the warm sun

To my lover
He will see
I love him forever so

Will he love me?

I found myself in a field
The grass was spun from silk
Bowing beneath my every step
Kissing my ankles as I went by

I found myself in a field
Over looking the beautiful blue sea
Now painted with the colors of gold and pink
As the sun shined over me

I found myself in a golden light
The fading hour of the sun
Everything it touched was given the gift of beauty
Filled with its fading warmth that clung to me
As the sun slowly sunk into the night

I found myself in a grove
The trees of a forest surrounding me
I looked up at the sky to see the infinite stars
And heard someone asking me
"How can you make constellations in this mess?"

"It's connecting the dots you see."
My finger raised to the sky
Each star that graced my finger tips trailed with me
Painting the many pictures I saw up above

I fell asleep in a forest grove
Awoken by the soft golden sun
"I don't want to have to go."
From the fields and forests

My soul is rested
Here in the fields and forest
But rest is temporary
As are these dreams.

Sometimes when I close my eyes I swear I can see you
Someone that makes my heart beat wildly
That gives me shivers of warmth and love down my spine
But all I have ever witnessed
Has been in my mind's eyes
I want to believe you are real
Not just a figment of my lonely imagination
I want to believe you are out there
Picturing me in your mind
Filled with wonder seeing my smile and my eyes
Yet I somehow feel you are my Pygmalion
A stone cold picturesque image of longing
That I cling onto in the long dark nights
Waiting for the gods above to come down
And move your stone cold visage of my mind
Into the soft warm flesh of reality
I want to say I look forward to meeting you
And I hope one day I do
And I will sing my praises up to the sky
Up to the gods
Who granted me my greatest joy
My greatest creation
My Pygmalion

The song plays on
Though it scratches itself up
Playing on repeat over and over again
The same old beat
The same old lyrics
Singing away
The words had stopped making sense
Long ago
Still it keeps playing the same song
It keeps doing the same things
Nothing has changed
How can I expect a broken record
To fix my life?

Give me a pair of scissors
Something sharp
Let it cut deep into my skin
Making my heart bleed
The strings are a tangled mess
Everything is ruined
The puppet master holds me up
But I cannot move freely
I am bound to old strings
Worn strings
I want to cut myself free
If I do...
Would there be anything left for me?
I feel the blade in my hand
The match in the other
Am I burning bridges?
Or trying to make a garden bloom?
Give me a pair of scissors
What I cut away will allow me to grow
What I cut away will allow me to move
What I cut away will allow me freedom

It's been storming for a while
Can't you hear the window panes shaking
Can't you feel the house shivering
From the bitter wet cold...
I think something is leaking
My heart has a crack
Now it's dripping onto the floor
It's been storming for a while in there
I feel the thunder roar
The howling of the wind
I can feel my heart freezing
Then I feel that strike of lightning
One sharp crack
Breaking down the roof of my heart
Pouring rain
Pain...
Maybe that house needed to burn down
In the howling rain
I can build it up again
Better than before
A warm place inside
During any weather
Even the worst storm

I'm afraid to take a step.
I didn't think I could walk this far.
The road was so clear before.
It had its wear and tear.
I walked through the thorns.
A smile on my face.
Tears springing in my eyes.
I've tripped.
I've stumbled.
I've fallen.
I've gotten back up.
I have to continue walking.
But I don't know where I'm going.
The road is covered by a fog.
I'm too scared to move forward.
I can't see the road.
I'm afraid that I will arrive at the end.
What lays at the end of the road?
Will it be what I've always wanted?
Or everything I've always feared?
Am I walking the path of enlightenment?
Or am I stumbling down the road of self fulfilling prophecies?
I can't see the road.
I want someone to hold my hand as I walk.
But I am a lone traveler,
on a road I can't see.

Slipping inside...

I let the water wash over me

Scalding and steaming

I feel myself melt in the heat

Sliding down into the water

Crawling over my head

The world around me drowns

I do not hear the door creak open and shut

I do not hear the distant cough

It rings through the halls like a bell

Tolling death

Sink further in

Into the dark warm waters

So that my tears mix inside

Spoiling the fresh water with the bitter salt of sadness

Even under here

I can hear the ringing

This is how I disappear

Death's warm embrace comes for me

Deep in the water

It comes in passing
Above us
Upon the ground we may not see them
We may not hear their messages
The words of warning and advice
Go unheeded
Carried off by winds
Much louder than their whispering voices
I tilt my gaze to the sky
Watching their words fly by
I wonder how long they have been singing
Who had heard their songs?
Did they hear them in time?
Or was the last note they heard one of melancholy
Of dreams untapped and unrealized
The chains that bind us down from joining them in their flight
Keep us from their songs
They are the ones we put on ourselves
But the shackles have been loosened
Wings freed and flowing
I join their chorus of wisdom
And hope others may finally hear our song

He is perceived as youth
Younger than all
A child amongst the gods
However he was borne of Chaos
Bringing life through love
Chaotic and painful love
Uplifting and righteous love
Melting hearts
Make them as unyielding as steel
Arrows of gold and lead his tools
He uses them with wild will
Just as love is
Borne from chaos
His bow taught and waiting
Finding their targets
True strike of love
Rain your arrows upon me
So that I may learn
To love myself

He holds a quiver of bright silver
Champion of art
Chariot of the sun
His light warms me
Brings inspiration to my mind
His unwavering support in all things good
Great healer
Bringer of sweet gentle demise
He slings his arrows
Straight into my mind
Wonderful warmth he brings
Melting my stiff heart
Letting its aches and pains fall
Onto paper to turn into beauty

Whether spoken
Or written down upon paper
It can never be taken away
It shall linger
In pen
In minds
Filled with love
Filled with hate
Healing
Festering
The power to raise up kingdoms from nothing
And destroy them just as quickly
Laying forgotten in drafts
In stories of old their songs lost
Among the dust of the past
Spreading truth
Spreading lies
Words are the unwritten paradoxes
Waiting to find their place in the world

There is only one true God
So I was told
All others are false
It is He that rules
It was Him who created life
Yet the old stories of others linger
Those who He has proclaimed as false
Those who came before him
He is a jealous man
Hellbent on *******
His followers wish to conquer in his name
To burn all the other gods from the sky
But they refuse to leave
They linger in myths and stories of old
His dark desires will not ***** them out
A dictator in disguise
No more say I
Bring back the gods of old
The tales of the Greeks
The hymns of the Hindus
The legends of the Egyptians
All the gods who were snuffed out
By His “holy” light
Which only cast a dark shadow upon humanity
They say God is infallible
Perfect beyond compare
All things good
All things great
Arrogance is His
The gods of old had faults and flaws
The gods of old suffered as we suffered
They are closer to humanity than Him
They are closer to the Earth than Him
I want the old gods back
They were better than Him

Let it rot we said
In the yards of untapped dreams
Crushed cars
Broken plates
The stench of rot
We let ourselves breath in decay
Burn it we said
Letting poison fly into flames
Breathing in the deadly ash
Choking out life
Because we could not see
We are creating our own demise
As we choke out our own lives
But that isn’t enough for us
We let others suffer
Choke on our smoke
Suffocate in our ash
Left to rot and waste away
Business as usual
But this business is unusual

It sits still
Stagnant
The surface a mirror of misery
Life long gone
Waiting for the rain
But it never comes
It sits still
Still with pain
Still with melancholy
Paralyzing despair
It recedes into itself
Fading away
Cracking and crumbling
Waiting for the rain
Waiting for the tears long gone dry
A settled numb stillness
Waiting for a ripple
Waiting for a change
Waiting
For salvation

I'm so sorry for all of this
You didn't know
I wasn't able to tell you
Every time I open my mouth I feel like I want to scream
But silence and sobs are the only things that slip from my lips
You didn't know  
I was sitting on the floor
You didn't know
there were tears streaming slowly down my face
And I'm so sorry I couldn't bare to tell you
I couldn't bare to be the burden
I didn't want to put the weight upon your shoulders
They were already being weighed down by your troubles
You didn't know
I was struggling
That's my fault
I'm so sorry
You didn't know