I'm so ******* numb
Words just won't come

When I say I miss you
I mean that
I miss everything about you
I miss you altogether
I miss your contagious smile
I miss the feeling I get when your beautiful hazel eyes skim over my figure
I miss the feeling of your skin against mine
I miss the melodic tune of your voice weaving through my ears
I miss the comfort and safety of being close to you
I miss the way you hold me tight
I miss how you tell me you love me without hesitation
I miss it when you kiss me gently and when you kiss me harder than you ever thought you could
I miss when you hug me and the world fades away and it’s just us standing there holding one another for as long as our heart’s content
I miss you, **** it
*I miss you

What would it mean to you…
If I turned around and jumped over the edge, knowing I’ll never return?

What would it mean to you…
If I completely lost myself in this tide of self-inflicted torture?

What would it mean to you…
If I stopped existing for everyone’s sake, maybe even my own?

What would it mean to you…
If your world came crashing down around you, burning bright flames of a hushed goodbye?

What would it mean to you…
If I stopped trying, because every time I try it hurts more than the last time?

What would it mean to you…
If I left this scary place, where you could be free of me and my darkness?

What would it mean to you…
If I came to you with a storm of my own, tear stained cheeks and sobs that beg for help?

What would it mean to you…
If I said that I need you now more than ever, but it feels like you’re slipping farther away?

What would it mean to you…
If I stopped every task at hand just to be there for you?

What would it mean to you…
If I merely asked for, not the same, but some comfort and safety from this raging battle against myself in a war I’ll never win?

What would it mean to you…
If I endlessly ran away from my problems that chase me with razor sharp teeth and menacing claws of pure destruction?

What would it mean to you…
If I let this darkness consume me?

What would it mean to you…
If I left?

Crying can happen so gently...
But oh god does it hurt
When you're curled up crying so hard
You think you might scream,
But your throat constricts
And all that you could ever muster
Is an unintentional mangled squeak of raw emotion.

My mind is already torturous enough
So, get the **** out
Quit messing with my head
An exhausting, hazy fog blurring my vision
Stop dancing about and playing these games
Just leave...
They think that I need you?
You think that I need you?
How amusing, my dear
Everyone has it all wrong
I never let you inside my humble abode
Don’t think for a moment I’ll consider
I reckon for the first time in a while
I am truly sickened
Such foolish actions should come with a cost

Brought down to my knees
Face to face with the dirt
And all that lies beneath
Thinking over again
Piecing it all together
Asking the same question
Wanting to understand
Why we’re here
When it all feels the same
The same pain
Of a different caliber

I'm sitting here letting my own demons drown me as you freely do as you please. What am I to do? This is my fault, I can almost feel it. The second you turn your back, everything slips and reverses until they're in control. It never used to be this way, you know. You were always there, pulling me up and away from the darkness that lingers in my peripherals. Who's to say that I'm merely crazy and illogical to think that you ever legitimately cared for my well being, and the idea that you might one day prove everyone wrong. Did I drive you away, or did you drive yourself away with your cynical isolation? What this seems to be is your futile attempt to push me over the edge, far past any point of return, for your simple satisfaction and freedom. Am I only dead weight to you, ready to be thrown overboard and long forgotten? Perhaps it's just me and I don't understand a single thing that's been going on, and I would if you would exchange words with me. But alas, I can't. For you keep me in the shadows long enough to question my own sanity, then bait me back into the light you so graciously present to me and me only. I cannot express enough how often my heart throbs of excruciating pain and sorrow every time you retract yourself into your cave of hidden ventures. I will forever be unable to truly describe the intricate cracks and lines you have carved into my being. I can show you, that is, if you're willing to pay enough attention to detail. I wonder if you'll be able to see how and why my scars run deeper than mere cuts and scratches. I wonder if you'll come to terms with what you've done and how much damage you inflicted on my already bruised heart and soul. I pray to whatever unknown existence that lies beyond the barrier of this universe that you will forgive both me and yourself for everything that has happened since our worlds collided. I hope that you soon find the courage and audacity to stay here with me and enjoy all that life has to offer down to our final breaths. I know I'd do it for you.

Here we go again
Not a single word in sight
No attempt at contact
Did I do something wrong?
Or are you ignoring me
Am I too clingy for you?
I don't believe a simple "Hello"
Every once in a while
Is considered too much
Maybe you're busy
And I'm overreacting
I can't help
But to worry myself sick
All these what if scenarios
Only to conclude you are alright
The sun resets itself
Leaving us another cyclical day
Of worry and ignorance

A second chance?
You shouldn’t have messed up
The first time
But I’ll be understanding this time
I’m human, just like you
Don’t let me down
A second time

You retreat, but I advance
Looking for a sign, a mere glance
There's a presence consuming your reality
This I can clearly see
I could be succumbing to insanity
But I feel your energy leaving me

Perhaps, to you, I am nothing more
Than your way out, a simple door
The desperation intoxicating the air
Wondering if you honestly care
What would happen if I left this place?
Leaving only ashes to hide in a vase

I keep running, chasing you around
Am I not making enough sound?
Maybe if I scream, yell and shout
You'll see what this is that I'm on about
I've seen through your wavering shroud
Don't you dare stand so tall and proud

I can tell, don't mistake me for a fool
This shameless act is painfully cruel
There's futility cloaking the darkness
Believed to be only harmless
You draw back each and every time
As if I have committed such a terrible crime

Is this where you draw the line?
After all the times we whispered, "Mine."
I made a promise from the start
Deep down in the depths of my ravaged heart
I refuse to leave my world behind
If all is lost, it is you I'll find

Though I suppose it's to be expected
This brittle feeling of being rejected
Every bit of helpful advice
Praying this distance will soon suffice
I will be here, waiting for you
And maybe you'll do the same for me too

Please, don't leave me here
Take me with before you disappear
If you want otherwise, it's quite alright
I'll be here contemplating amidst the night
Never forget, don't let it slip by
I'll love you far past the very day that I die

I'm not sure what to do on these lonesome nights
When you won't notice me, or even acknowledge my very existence
I try to convince myself that you have a logical reason why
But I fail to see it each time I'm able to make any form of contact with you

"Let me know if I'm ever bothering you, I always feel as though I am."
"Nah, that's impossible. You don't annoy nor bother me."

I believe you, I truly do
Up until you resume ignoring me
On these bitter lonesome nights

The realization that you had gone
Hit me harder than ever before
Pulling the air from my lungs
As if I had just taken a vicious blow
Every muscle in my body froze
Nothing had the desire to move
For fear that I'd slip even farther
Tumbling down this dark path
I pressed pause, looking for rewind
But life doesn't operate that way
A desperate cry for help escaped
As violent rivets cycling through
This broken and unwilling soul
Searching endlessly for someone, anyone
It was then that I sadly realized
No one was ever truly there

I remember clearly
Whispering as the stars aligned
Those three empowering words
Before the world exploded

I remember clearly
The sincerity in your voice
When you promised the very same
Before the world changed

I remember clearly
As you leaned in to kiss me
How our breaths became one
Before our worlds intertwined

I remember clearly
Every single sensation within
That rendered me numb
As we created our own world

No, wait
Don't leave yet
It can still be like it was
The last time
Before you broke away
Just a few more moments
One more kiss
Embrace
Unspoken, "I love you"
That's all I need
Baby, please

Here we go again
Or maybe it's just me this time
I'm always so anxious
Worried
Nerve-stricken
Constantly afraid of your next move
I shouldn't be
But I can't help myself
"I'm sorry..."
Spilling from my mouth
Before I have time to think
Like I inconsiderately bumped into you
Maybe this was a mistake
Maybe I am a mistake
If that's the case
You may as well leave
... Again

My hands wander a smooth cold wall
Knowing that it’s more than merely tall
Muffled emotions illuminate the air
Even when no one is there
But I’ve always been here
You just haven’t felt me near
So, I’ll meet you on the other side
Where there’ll be nothing left to hide
Because I refuse to leave
No matter what you care to believe

At first it was two letters and believe me, I was in a bit of shock
Reading your words and seeing your handwriting for the first time
Writing about your thoughts, surroundings, and new daily routine
Letting coherent and legible words flow through your arm onto the paper
I couldn't help but notice all the times you mentioned me in those letters
I guess that was only the beginning

This next venture to the mailbox, I found four more letters from you
I felt a sudden sadness weighing me down, realizing I hadn't written back
You told me how each day it became harder to remember my voice
I was flattered, so I continued reading your words with a new craving
Soon it was time to construct a letter of my own, just for you
Pen against paper for an hour at least

Finally finished, I sealed it away in an envelope to send that next morning
Sliding it into the mailbox and raising the flag for the first time
My first actual letter, I was extremely excited
So, I waited eagerly for acknowledgement that you had gotten it
A week later, two more letters arrived with a twinge of disappointment
It seems as though you still haven't received my words

Now I sit here, anxious and worried you may not get my letter in time
Or perhaps it remains lost forever in the mail, I'll never know
I miss you terribly so, and a bit upset you forgot to write my number down
I included that in the letter, too...
Maybe it's no big deal to you, but I can't help myself
There's no other way to contact you for another three weeks

I can't wait for you to come home.