It's just a thought,
You tell yourself
You know it isn't real
But, you can't trust yourself
There is nothing
in this world
That can stop you,
From distorting reality
you imagine the impossible
And create fear within yourself
A fear, that wouldn't disappear

-Kaya

Who are you? Why are you here? is this real life? are questions i ask myself on a daily basis. These moments just seem so surreal. I can't imagine myself doing things other people do. And i can't believe the things that i'm doing. I don't know if the things that i am doing, are really being done, and i don't know if the things that i'm saying are really being said. Sometimes, i ask myself if my whole existence is just someones endless imagination.

-Kaya

im back after a long time

I'll sit here, like dead meat
I'll lay here like an obnoxious presence
Flys surround me not to disturb but,
to remind you of my dead existence

I'll sit here, as a corpse that sees,
as a corpse that breathes,
as a corpse that hears and feels
I'll sit here, in patience
as your hell slowly drips
into my heaven
I'll sit here, as my heaven
slowly drips into your hell

O, you must be glad
I could surely tell
I'll still be here, to watch your frown
turn into a vicious smile
I could surely tell, that you have
been waiting for this all this while,
For all your life

-Kaya

I see a sphere
it is like one that is,
but not like one that feels
this sphere, is vulnerable
it is colorful but thin
easy to puncture and see
the things that lie within
the colorful skin
i'm afraid it will lose color
and lose what it has once been

-Kaya

It's not people that frighten me
it's their eyes, it's the soul that hides within each eye, not only do they see- they judge, they think, they absorb. It's the contrast between their whites and their color that project strength and create fear, it's the inability to lose contact with that contrast, it's impossible to lose connection from what makes you afraid but at the same time beautiful it brings you closer, it's the fear of getting closer to something evil but irresistible. It's the fear of losing yourself but loving it.

-Kaya

It was a feeling.
A feeling of Winter and Summer within each palm.
Sitting, a sense of casualty. Thoughts in your mind crashing into each other like two similar trains that collide as both your palms collide to escape the feeling of insecurity. A mix of cold and warmth. A question of which hand to use, when we shake hands
do you want the warm truth or cold lie?

A frozen foot and another, burnt
Every morning, I wake up to a question of which foot
to use, when I leave my place of comfort, as my head betrays my feet, and the sharp stones it has to face. Even the sky betrays the land. Broken aspects of the sky, the clouds. Broken aspects of the land, the drought. Broken aspects to thoughts, the mind. Broken aspects to love, the heart. Again, It was just a feeling.

-Kaya

I wrote and I wrote and I wrote!
I stabbed the empty paper with
all the words that filled up my dry throat
I wrote and I wrote and I wrote!
till the nib grew old, bent and broke
O, I still wrote and I wrote and I wrote!
till my throat became as empty and white as the paper
I kept the paper to myself, I kept the words to myself
I swallowed it to feel whole,
but I choked, and I choked and I choked!
From then on, my presence was absent
nobody has ever heard my voice,
I couldn't and I never spoke!

- Kaya

You were the tear,
that dried up on my face
The tear, I refused to wipe
I let you sink into my skin
and then into my soul,
Blind, I was, A fool, I was
I waited for you for years!
Hoping you would come back
But now I know,
You didn't just swim away
You drowned- all the way down
You drowned, Deep deep down

-Kaya

Breakfast at night
in denial of the days end
I cannot think of tomorrow
for there is no such tomorrow
I think I could spend

-Kaya

She was dressed in mustard,
on a tall golden chair
She sat before clean,
crisp and clear silverware
around her, nothing mattered
not even the polluted air
she left, nobody noticed
they ask "was she even there"

-Kaya

"Dad's broken bicycle"
she pointed, in pity
In his hands
Nothing will stay intact,
Not anything, Not anyone

-Kaya

Clear layers on my eye
each possess a soul that
once lived exposed, just to die
the blood of the layer
attracted to guilt,
left the layers soul
to crumble and drift

each layer, gone, in a blink
they vanish, to the past
to a place where the life
we used to live cannot be unseen

now you have nothing
but a naked eye
exposed, just to die
now you have nothing
but a naked eye
that lived layers of a lie

-Kaya

I did not grow up
I just realized that,
everything you have said to me
everything you have done for me
are just lies
I have come this far,
to just realize,
that everything was a lie

I did not feel the same way
I felt trapped in flesh,
that i don't belong
I did not want to change
but i was forced to
Now, i have become mad
and you don't know why
But, you would if you knew
that i realized,
Everything was a lie

-Kaya

There are times in life
When we fall down,
We try to get back up
But, we can't
People walk over us
And with each step
We get pushed,
Deeper and deeper
Into the ground
We may be fragile
And it may be impossible,
To get back up
But as years pass
Everything will take a turn
And soon, we will rise
Out of the pain
And nothing,
will remain the same
And in the end,
We will be happy again
We will be happy again

-Kaya

In the state of consciousness,
Dreamt I,
of an old flower surrounded by
young and hopeful weeds

The golden light, of the sun
shined upon them, giving birth
to life and life to the dead

A fragile plant
breaks out of the ground
only to be pushed back down
by the weight of the world

- Kaya

It was the kind of light,
that reminded me of my shadow
It was the kind of light,
that shined over things
that I wanted to forget

-Kaya

o mechanical world
we are the grease
to your machines
that hold you
for "ease" of "living"

how does one manage life
with great difficulty
we beings, are just being
but are we beings, truly living
in this world where the self
is not who we really are
but who they want us to be

-Kaya

Blood in one
chemicals in the other
now, "Does this make you feel
ten times better?" She asked,
"It's true, even the most bitter
can make you feel better"
She thought to herself

- Kaya

9pm, 10pm, 11pm, 12pm
I want to reverse time
12pm, 11pm, 10pm, 9pm
and - i crave to reverse time
9am, 12pm, 10pm, 1pm
stop - now nobody move
just look - just look as
i lay like stale food,
waiting to poison you
under your consent,
you, the person i speak to,
the person i see - as i stare
into the mirror
you - you stale food
i stare at you - i know you, Miss inhu'man'
"Miss inhu'man'"
Men and women to the world
Men and women of the world
stare into mirrors, I'll come through
like stale food - stale food into the mirror
flies around me, now buzz buzz buzz
give me company, within this solidarity
I see you, I see me in you
i am the men and the women around me
i am my stale food
i eat myself off the ground
the flies like audience,
they buzz buzz buzz like an applause
i consume and i consume and i consume - my reflection
my reflection - i present to you again Miss inhu'man'
the person - the performer -  in the mirror - in the crowd
as i continue to feast and feast
until the last of me
the flies, buzz and buzz
as i lay, as i screech
the last sound in me

Kaya SS

A tear drenched pillow
not a place to rest my head
but an ocean, every night

thoughts pass like
a million black fishes
now I cannot see
the oceans blue anymore
not even the blue

-Kaya

It was one of those days where
the sun would rise,
but you would refuse to open your eyes

It was one of those days where
you would cry cry and cry,
till your eyes turn red and dry

It was one of those days where
you would wake up, and feel like
your parents were strangers
and you refuse to look at their face
and barely look them in the eye
because you're embarrassed, you're shy

It was one of those days when
you learn how to turn that frown into a smile
when somebody quickly says "Hi"

It was one of those days where
you would smile at someone,
But, get a blank stare back
till you're convinced that you're no one

-Kaya

we were like dying leaves in autumn
we even fell with beauty and grace
to our deaths, only to be stepped on
and have every dry vein in us, crack!
until we become dust, that the living
world breathes in, to feed off our death
and to feel alive

-Kaya

We hide in the shadows
stay away from light

we are always divided
we never unite

they are afraid to protest
so alone we fight

we're the ones
who are awake at night

unable to accomplish
we always fail
they call us useless
but, we still prevail

we work hard
to get what we want
we endure and ignore
when they taunt

no matter what they say
no matter what they do
i won't become the person
they want me to

-Kaya

Each tile has it's history
Some are untold

They remain a mystery
Like eyes behind a blindfold

I lived all these days accomplished nothing
all the  hard work didn't pay
My brain is rotting

Believing in hope
And the days I got through
with the sadness I had to cope
for a month or two

I still wish that my past
Was never really true

I still wish that my past
Was never really true

-Kaya

and
I will say it once more
each tile has its history
In these four walls
they have come alive
now I know, it's possible
to go back to the past
and to stand on something
you thought would not last

-Kaya

Our lives run on time
the human mind is blind
there are so many things that,
we have yet to find

we breathe in a hollow sphere
where the voices in our heads
are what we really hear
we walk on all the edges
to find things,
which indeed exists beneath us

- Kaya

yellow pages, with thin lines
held stiff, within a black spine
hard to uncover, yet so divine
the pages were empty, but the
smell of them, enlightened
the dusty places, in my mind

i sunk my hollow head, into the book
visionless, there was nothing to look
i sunk my heavy head, into the book
and the smell of rain took-
me away to the land of rain
and brown drenched wood-

the place i loved could only be
visited, through this pocket book
my home will always be between
the yellow pages of your book

-Kaya

"It's always the same
The good, die fast
But the ones who are not
Are the ones who die last"

-Kaya

A war above our heads
but we sit with a cup of coffee
as children play around
with paper boats and jump
in joy in muddy puddles
Who am I, in these
million strands of rain
I ask, from time to time
I do enjoy the blues and greys
I do enjoy the sad ways

-Kaya

You came in like rain
that poured heavily,
washing away the dirt and remains
of the polluted world
but, some despised your presence
for they lacked warmth and security
you made them shiver,
you made them suffer,
when you believed that
you gave them joy
With your pure drops of water

- Kaya

"Pop!" The sound of excitement
as the head of my enemy got off,
the last and most satisfying noise
that I thought I'd ever hear
but, I have lived through
just to hear it again
again, again and again
"Pop!" The sound that awakened
me and my fear
not so satisfying this time
maybe, this is the final one
hopefully, this is the final one

-Kaya

dear red on pale white,
a letter to you, I write
in immense red fright
I fear, red on pale white
It is because of you
I cannot sleep at night
you promised that
you would not bite
but what is left of me?
I cannot see anything
there is nothing in my sight
but a mouth, that keeps begging
the dear red on pale white
I write to you again,
dear red on pale-

'this is your last night'
said the red on pale white

-Kaya

Hello, my friend
A friend who decides
To stay with me till the very end
I would like you to meet her
but, she crawls beneath my skin
And lives in the crevices of my mind

It's been awhile
Since I've seen you
you left me alone for a few months
but I wasn't lonely
I didn't expect you to visit me again
you must have missed me
my good old friend, depression

-Kaya

Good food placed
on a broken plate
just like, little happy moments
existing in a shattered fate

-Kaya

"I sense a feeling of sympathy"
"Why?"* He asked,
There she stood,
She felt as stiff as a rock,
Wordless, she was
Suddenly! Her mind was crowded,
Wordless, she was again
but, She had to reply and so
She spoke with a voice that wasn't hers
and a soul that wasn't hers
In a hurry, she said, "Situations in life"
"Like what?" He said with a blind smirk
"When your mother yells at you?"
He said, with the same
blind smirk and with
the same blind tone

She smiled, like always
and sighed in disagreement
She didn't know what to say,
crowded her mind was, again
wordless, she was, again
She was mistaken, She was mad

-Kaya

society society society
we were so happy
why did you drive us insane
my labeling humanity

we are growing younger
because of your dense behavior
you should have been silent
instead of calling us a failure

what you gain is satisfaction
But, in us
what is lost is compassion
you are blind, you don't see
you don't know, what is reality

you don't speak
because you are afraid
afraid, that you may not be happy
like you are today

-Kaya

So many people,
Yet, so little friends
So much time,
Yet, so little to do
So much space,
Yet, so little to have
So much to give
Yet, so less to get
So little to remember
Yet, so much to forget

-Kaya

Can I take away the cause
Can I take away the reason
Can I become sane
Can I become the person
I used to be once again?

-Kaya