I don’t want to pray about you.
Not because God and I are taking a break,
Not because I’m busy,
Not because I can’t close my eyes without blinking away tears.

But because I’m scared.
I admit it,
I’m scared.

I’m scared that God will take you from me,
I’m scared that he’ll smite me for loving you.

I’m scared that God will cast me out of your garden,
I’m scared that the snakes and I are tangled into each other.
(We’re unrecognizable. Who knows where slither starts and fingertips end.)

I’m terrified that God will tell me that you and I aren’t meant to be,
That we are abominations.
That this wasn’t a match made in heaven.

That we are slowly falling,
In love,
Back to earth,
With wings scorched black—

Please.
Don’t ask me to pray,
Or you just might catch me with my eyes wide open whispering sweet nothings to a God I’m fearful of.

When my kid asks me:
Mama, where were you when the coronavirus pandemic hit?

Well, sweet child, mama was out there exploring the world. I climbed mountains, sailed seas, and fought pirates. Mama was a warrior. She was a healer. She was something else. Mama was making history.

Really, Mama?

No, baby.

I stayed inside trying to finish schoolwork. I put together every puzzle at least 3 times. I ate the same meal twice a week. Baby, mama was robbed. Mama never saw her friends, mama never went to prom, mama never fought a pirate.

Was that all, mama?

No, love.

People died. Too many people, too many people died. We were too stupid, we were too busy, we were ignorant, love. We were destructive, we were killers of our own kind. We were monsters, love.

But, sweetheart...

Yes, mama?

There was beauty in it. Such beauty. We died so the world could live. Flowers bloomed, fish swam, and nature thrived. We could feel the sunshine, we could feel the rain, we could hear the birds, sweetheart. It was beautiful.

Weren’t you scared, mama?
Weren’t you lonely?

My child, yes, I was once. I was scared and I was lonely, but I learned something, my child. In fear, nothing grows. In isolation, there is solitude. But In hope, we flourish. In solitude, we find peace.

My child, my sweet child, we were just beginning to awaken.
Now, we’ll never sleep again.

Drunk on honey and milk.
In this dim lit room,
We lay under thin sheets that cling to our bodies with sweat.
The air hangs heavy here,
And it smells of you and I.

We whisper in hushed tones,
We giggle,
We kiss.
Nothing has ever felt as good as this.

Drunk on every touch of skin.
Drunk on every word of sin.
We melt into each other.
We melt into another.

This is what we live for.
This is the moment we die for.

Suddenly,
The rest of the world melts away.
It’s just us two.
You look into me,
And I look into you.

Our hearts dance to their new found rhythm.
Our lungs share the same breath of air,
And with our final sigh.
Our mouths say, “Fulfilled”--
And then we die.

It’s not me, It’s you.
It always was,
And how could I be surprised?

All along, it was you.
Only you, no one else.

Now all that’s left is   me.

Broken as ever.
With eyes still swollen from the night before,
Tear stained cheeks,
And an epiphany in my mind.

Maybe, It was me.
Or you.
Or us.

But eventually it was no one.

It was the empty spaces in your   speech.
It was the stutter in your breath.
It was you.

It was the missed calls.
It was the arguments.
It was me.

Or maybe   it   was  us.
Slowly    
         But
      Surely
                  Falling         (apart).

Your chest grows tight,
As your heart shifts to get comfortable in its bed.
It's always been restless,
Beating out of time with the music.
Maybe one day it'll learn.
Maybe one day it'll know its place,
Under the thick protective armour of ribs,
Muscle, fat, tissue, and skin.

When even tucked away, where the naked eye can't see, it's not safe there.
It'll never be safe,
The heart is fragile.
Delicate, even.
The heart is alone.

Your chest feels tight.
Maybe it's your heart shuffling to find the right rhythm again.
It's always felt offbeat,
But you didn't know better.

The heart is ignorant;
But ignorance is bliss.

Right?

The heart doesn't know any better.
All the heart wants to do is to come out, but
The heart doesn't know how hard red stains are to get out of shirt sleeves.
Or how messy tears are when they fall,
Or how hard it is to convince yourself that life is worth living.

Please, Heart.
Stay protected in your brittle cage.
The world is cruel, and cold.
The world is pain,
And it is not for the faint of heart.

To those in search of my heart, you won’t find it.

Not here at least,
I hid it,
No offense to you.

It is locked behind doors of thick bone,
Tucked under flexing armor of muscle,
And secured away in the silky depths of my skin.

But,
I see yours is ripe for the taking.
Plump and precious,
Pulsing it’s sweet red juices,
It’s taunting me.

Why haven’t you hidden it from me?

This isn’t a joke,
I’m deadly,
I’m a predator to hearts like yours.

But, since it is there.
I’ll take it.

I’ll take it in my palms,
I’ll sink my nails into it,
I’ll lap up the love it drips.

Tastes like honey.
Sweet, so sweet, so yummy.

I’ll press it to my lips,
I’ll line it with my tongue,
And pierce it with my teeth

The way it beats for me drives me wild.
I can taste your rhythm.

You’re not naive or ignorant.
You’re just in love,
How could I not take advantage of that?

You’re weak,
And I’m strong.
So, let me take care of you.

You’re sad,
And I’m here.
Just give yourself to me.

I’ll take precious care of the heart fruit you bare.
I promise.
You’ll be safe with me.
You’ll be happy,
Content,
And satisfied.

But, eventually, heart broken.

I’m ashamed,
I’m embarrassed,
I’m pathetic.
Aren’t I?

I want to be strong,
But I'm scared.
I’m absolutely terrified.

I don’t want to be alone anymore.

I feel weak for wanting someone.
I feel broken, I feel stupid.
I feel alone.

I want to be strong,
But I’m not.
I’m completely terrified.

I’m supposed to be ‘in love with myself’.
I’m supposed to ‘only need myself’.
I’m supposed to be independent.

I am independent,
I do love myself,
But I’m tired of it.

I’m tired of being alone.
Does that make me weak?

I’m sick of being alone,
Does that make me pathetic?

I don’t want to be alone anymore,
Does that make me lonely?

I’m so pathetic,
Aren’t I?

Today I told you I loved you.
I tried to be cool with it
And ease it into the conversation.

But those three words stuck out like a sore thumb:
I love you.

I wish I could say it again,
But I don’t want to overwhelm you.
I love you.

I can only hear those three words on repeat:
I love you.
Over and over.

I don’t really know what it means to love you,
But I know this.

I know that I think about you with every passing second,
I know that I always feel complete with you,
And I know that my day is never enough without you.

I love you.

I love you,
Every single piece,
I love you.

I love all your flaws,
In my eyes they create perfection.

I love your smile,
In my eyes they put heaven to shame.

I love your voice,
In my eyes symphonies could never compare.

I love you,
Every single part of you.

Can’t you see?
I care about you deeply,
I love you inevitably,
Is that wrong?

I confess that I love you,
And I don’t think I’ll ever stop.

I did it.
I looked at her account,
I saw the pictures of you and her together.
I did it.

I told myself not to,
But, I’m still as stubborn as you left me.
Nothing’s changed.

Wait— scratch that.

Everything’s changed.

Nothing is how you left it,
And it never will be.

I’m something different now,
And I’m sure you are too.

I’m sure you’re happy and safe.
That’s all I could ever want.

But,
Remember how I said everything’s changed?

Well, it really has.

I collect rainwater now, I bathe every full moon, I dance in sunlight naked.

Crazy, isn’t it?

I sing songs without knowing the lyrics, I recite poetry upside down, and I create life with my left hand now.

I’m not the girl you left behind,
I’m her, sure.
But,
Not exactly though.

My hair is shorter, specifically on one side.
My stride is bigger, I have nothing to weigh me down now.
And my smile is as bright as ever.

It took you leaving for me to find the light within myself,
It took you leaving to show me that I don’t need anyone else to be happy.

So, thank you.

I wish you could see me now,
I think you’d be proud.

Last night, I waited.
I waited today.
I waited tomorrow.
I waited ‘till my days were filled with nothing but sorrow.

Last night,
I waited ‘till
My eyelids were held open by thoughts of you.
‘Till the grass was glowing iridescent with dew.

Last night,
I waited for you.

My dreams were filled with tears.
My night was filled with fear.
In constant dread, I wait.

I wait for you.
Days to weeks.
Weeks to months.
Months to years.

I soon turned to dust.
Leaving my aching bones crushed.
In my grave--
I rest, silently.
Patiently, and desperately waiting for you.
To join me too.

Where did I go wrong?
Was it when burnt rubber filled the cold morning air?
Or was it laid against you with your fingers lost in my knotted hair?

Where did you go wrong?
That's something only the universe knows.
Broken, twisted, beautiful--that's how the heart grows.

Ask again: Where did you go wrong?
The answer is in the breeze.
The answers are in the trees.
The answer is not you, but me.

Where did we go wrong?
We watered the weeds growing in our flowerbeds.
We simply left the stove on, and the house burnt red.
We danced in the streets, only to be dead.

Tell me—
Was our love wrong?

For today, and one day only, limited edition!
I still love you.
And the crowd goes wild. (I’ve learned to tune out the boo’s too.)
But you heard it here first, for one day, and one day only.
I still love you.

My heart decided to come alive at the thought of you,
It got up and stretched, and let me tell you,
My heart has some serious arthritis.
It aches over you.

My butterflies came out of their cocoon at the thought of you,
They spread their wings, one by one, gaining momentum.
They’re bouncing off the walls in here!

My mind is quite cross with himself,
I flood the systems with memories of you,
Daydreams of you, and only thoughts of you.
My brain just might OD over the thought of you.
(But if that happens I know a guy that can help.)

Don’t even get me started on me.
That’s the crazy part.
I don’t think of you, I’m over you, I’m not in love with you anymore.
I thought I’d be fine.

But for one day!
And one day only!
Limited edition!
Half off!
Buy one, get two!
I still love you.

I am yours.
All of me,
Every single last inch.

I am hers,
All of me.
Down to the last inch.

I am his,
All of me.
Including every inch—

I’m sorry.

My heart is yours,
My heart is hers,
And my heart is his.

Can’t you see?

My love comes in the most powerful pattern of three’s.

I’m sorry.

I love you.
I love her.
I love him.

You can’t make me decide,
You can’t make my heart shatter once or let alone two times,
Please don’t make me cry.

My love is for you, all of you.
My love is for her, all of her.
My love is for him, all of him.

Yet, my heart creates separate beats for each.

I have three hearts, one that loves you fully.
One that cares so deeply.
One that wants you completely—
Is that not enough?

My chest aches differently today.
It's not the heartbreak,
It's not the pain,
I'm not even sure if it's a mixture of both.

It might be the memories of us disappearing into the abyss of my soul.
It might be the essence of you detaching from me.
It hurts, but it doesn't hurt as bad anymore.

I hear my heart thumping.
One beat at a time,
Slowly, but surely regaining its strength.
It reminds me that I am still alive.

I feel the wounds.
Bleeding, healing,
And building back stronger.

I feel everything.
All at once.
And for once, I feel okay.

The ache in my chest is different today.
It may be the heartache.
It may be the pain.
Or even a mixture of the two.

But for once,
I feel okay.

I'm still alive.

My chest aches differently today.
It's not the heartbreak,
It's not the pain,
I'm not even sure if it's a mixture of both.

It might be the memories of us disappearing into the abyss of my soul.
It might be the essence of you detaching from me.
It hurts, but it doesn't hurt as bad anymore.

I hear my heart thumping.
One beat at a time,
Slowly, but surely regaining its strength.
It reminds me that I am still alive.

I feel the wounds.
Bleeding, healing,
And building back stronger.

I feel everything.
All at once.
And for once, I feel okay.

The ache in my chest is different today.
It may be the heartache.
It may be the pain.
Or even a mixture of the two.

But for once,
I feel okay.

I'm still alive.

The reason I called at 12:14 am
Was not for casual small talk,
Or chit chat about the day,
Or even because I missed you.
It’s because I’m trying to fill my empty satisfactions.

The reason I text you back at any time in the day
Is not to check up on you,
Or to be with you,
Or even because I care about you.
It’s because I’m trying to fill my time.

I’m using you,
Sick, right?

The reason I reach out to you
Is not because “I still love you”,
Or to have and to hold you,
Or even because I, dare I say, miss you.
It’s because you’re so convenient.

Wanna know something even sicker than the latter?
I know that I’m using you,
I know that I’m some sadistic girl,
I know that I’m some kind of a messed up human.

The reason I lead you on
Is not because “I want you so bad”,
Or that I can only contract at the thought of you,
Or even because I desire only you.
It’s because you’re so easy.

The thing is:
I love it.

I love using you.
Frankly, It would be quite rude not to.

You’re just temporary,
Every breath you take is because I gave it to you,
Every step you take is because I showed it to you,
I created you.

I am your Goddess.
(When you think you’re a God.)
Silly me, silly you,
To think you would own me.

Silly us,
To think we’re in love.

But we know better than that.
We know that you’re just a temporary fix to a bigger appetite.
Let’s not think about that.

Let’s be silly,
Let’s be stupid,
Let’s be ignorant kids trying to love.

I’m not supposed to speak to you.
It’s this unspoken law.
This girl code,
This human silence.

So,
I let my poetry speak.
Let my words sing to you.
Let my stanzas sway you.

I miss you.
[Let me say that more poetically.]

My soul is longing for yours.
My heart is crying for you,
And the tears are the bloodiest of red.

I miss you.

This isn't anything new,
But I can’t tell you that,
You know I can’t.
It would go against everything that society programmed into me.
It would go against our very religion.
[and you know good and well that we aren’t the type to sin.]

So,
I’ll let my poetry speak.

I’ll never know if you’ll get this,
I’ll never know if you’ll read this,
But there’s the chance that excites me.
The hope,
The glimmer, and shine of aspiration.
It’s beautiful, isn’t it?

I’ll leave this here.
I’ll cast this poem into the world.
I’ll let it touch a million hands,
I’ll let it feel a million tears,
I’ll let the millions of people think that this is for them,
But maybe, just maybe,
We’ll know it’s only for us.

The words are only for us:
I miss you.

Poetically, I miss you.
What other way could I tell you?
What other way could I reach you?
I’m not sure, So till then,
I’ll write.

He is not you.
Not at all.

He doesn't have your eyes,
He doesn't have your laugh,
And he doesn't have your hands.

He isn't you.
Not one bit.

His smile isn't yours;
It doesn't complete me.

His embrace isn't the same as
Yours that would hold me.

He can't be you.
Never.

He tries,
But what's the point?

You can't fix the pain with deceit.
You can't win war without defeat.

He tries,
But what's the use?

You can't heal love with a handshake.
You can't heal love without change.

He isn't you,
He will never be,
He can't be,
He isn't...
                                      You.

Look at you.
Your eyes all red,
Cheeks puffy and slick with tears, and
Lips puckered.

You're crying,
God knows why.

You hate yourself--
Every single detail.

You curse yourself--
Anytime you can.

You can't find a reason to keep going on.

Your life is perfect;
You have everything you need.
A lovely home, family, friends, and food on the table.
Everything is perfect.

Then,
Why are you crying?
God knows why.

You scream
At the top of your lungs--
Banging your fists against the glass.

It shatters.
You lose yourself in the tears, in the glass,
The blood of your image is cut open.

You cry,
And God knows why.

I see it, right there.
That faint glimmering in your eyes.
It’s hope,
It’s inspiration,
No wait, it’s love?

It’s everything.

I see everything in your eyes.
I see long nights,
Early mornings, and
Sweet memories.

I see Leonine taking his first steps,
I see Luna on her first day to school,
I see two hands ring clad interlocked.

I see us,
And to me,
That’s everything.

Do you see it?
That sparkle in your eyes when you look at me.
I see it,
And I love it.

I love everything,
I love you,
I love us.

My one and only,
My love,
My everything.

That’s what I see.

You stole my religion,
And left me faithless.
That’s what happens when you love so hard that you switch places.

I’m into *** and drugs,
Not a prayer in sight.

You’re into baptisms and bibles,
I bet you pray every night.

I used to be envious,
I used to covet thy neighbor,
But now: I don’t care.

I’m into cheating and lying,
I’ll never tell the truth.

You’re into virtue and life after dying,
You’re in the “battalion of youth”.

I’m the lost little lamb,
You’ve taken my place in the flock.

I’m lost to the wilderness,
You’re the sudden block.

I sleep with the snakes,
You can imagine the venom in me.

You sleep in the clouds,
You fly with angels so free.

I’m okay that I’m evil,
It’s alright to be bad.

I know the life you took from me,
I remember the life that I had.

I’m leaving the nest soon,
Mama bird will never know.

But soon my dark heart will consume me,
And eventually it’ll start to show.

I’m tired.

Why am I doing all the work?
Because I care?
Because I’m a woman?
Because I’m stupidly in love with you?

You’re crazy.

And I’m tired, tired of it, and
Tired of you.

Get up and help me.
Get up and put some effort into me.
Get up and kiss me for once.

You’re right.
We aren’t learning anything here,
But how selfless devotion is a waste of time.
You were right,
I’m not the girl for you.
(I never will be).

And
You’re definitely not the man I thought you’d be.

You taste like hypocrite.
You taste like dark stupid masculinity.
And, baby, it doesn’t taste sweet.

Let’s just hope you taste as sweet as you feel.

I think I still love you,
It might be just a glitch.
It may just be the last shred of you separating from my soul or it may just be the flashing image of you finally leaving me.
It has to be something.
It has to be.
I can’t love you.
I can’t—
Not anymore.

I saw your keys,
It had my creation.

I saw your car,
It had my impression.

You still carry my memoir.
I’m still with you,
But why?

There has to be a reason,
There has to be.
Because you’re over me,
I swear you are.
You have her, and you’re happy.

You’re happy, right?

Please tell me that you are,
Please tell me that she’s everything I’m not.

Tear me down,
Please tear me down,
Break me again.

Because I can’t keep breaking myself over you.
I can’t keep gluing myself back together only to shatter it twice more.

It hurts,
It aches,
My heart is in ruins again.

I swear I’m over you,
I was,
But you keep bringing me back to life.

I saw the way your eyes lit up with me,
I saw the smile I gave you,
I felt the love we shared.

Can’t you see?

This isn’t a game,
We can’t be friends,
Never again.

Because friends don’t feel this way,
I think I’m still in love with you.

And sometimes (sometimes) I wish it would it go away.

I hope that your every passing thought is of me and all we’ve lost.
I hope you lie awake thinking of the things we’ve done,
I hope you regret the monsters we’ve become.

I hope every wilting flower reminds you of me.
I hope I’m the only reflection in yours that you’ll see.

I hope you say my name in your sleep.
I hope you hold me in your heart like the secrets that you keep.

Eventually, hope dies.

But, this was a ******.
And your mouth is wet with lies.

Now my hope is dead,
And your hands are the bloodiest of red.

Tears brim your eyes as you bite your lip.
Face scrunched in pain, you hold your pillow.
Rolled onto your side, you pray.

She hurt you.
She really did a number on you.

You grunt an ancient language that only heartache speaks.
You are starting to become fluent again.

We don’t speak her name, but she is etched into your memories.
We don’t speak her presence, but she is engraved into your being.

You pray harder, hoping that maybe it will put your pieces back together.
Your hands are clasped so tightly that your knuckles praise white.

She never cared for you,
She never loved you,
But who am I to know?

You’re alone again,
Sad.
You’re alone again,
Content.
You’re alone again,
Mad.

You don’t have to be alone anymore.
I want to be there for you,
I want to care for you.
I want to mend your aching heart,
When you said that no one ever has before.

I thought to myself,
Maybe it’s time to start.