I screamed in my heart
-just one more mile-
As I scratched at my chest
-keep me a while-
Motel 6 with an arco out front
But we passed it like we were on the run
So fast but
the fuel that kept us going was running past

A little line

Like a race
And I’m the hare in first place
I took it for granted
Forgot my own morals
And you were the tortoise who would have endured the miles
And just like the rats in their cage
We chewed through the bars that kept us from exploration only to be caught up
In exasperation
I’m tired
Too tired
And we got sick
Of the race — of keeping up with each other and in the end
We couldn’t put us back together again

I feel like Icarus;
or
a lead ballon.

For I know I am
Dragging-Dragging-Dragging
On the ground—

and
It’s Cold
And I’m Cold

I.
Remember.
Flying.

Flying to close to the sun;
It was hot-
We were hot.

I just flew too close-
While trying to leave
the atmosphere

I popped and
my wings melted;
And now?

Now-
I’m just cold
A lead balloon on the ground.

Or I’m Icarus and I’ve drowned
But it’s still the same
Cold and going down

Tiny dots on an endless timeline.
That's what these are.
These pictures scattering the floor
These memories scattering in life.

These rules we have in place.
These hands we must hold.
These words we must say without being told.

But I love the life.
These things we have.
Memories in my mind
Scattered in my hands

I will remember you fondly
I will remember you dear
Because
Because

I always wanted you here.

Quiero un besito.
one is all I need to get me through the day
and I haven’t seen you in a while

so let me be of some trouble
and take me by mis manos
porque quiero un beso

I still perform autopsies
on our dead conversations.

I saw my ex today
after planning out a day to get away to see him. After he told me he'd be in state for the weekend.
And I refuse to say I missed him.

I saw my ex today
after six years of rebuilding myself. After we couldn't make it work when we were so young.
And I refuse to say I still care.

I saw my ex today.
after already being in a new relationship for two years. After my current boyfriend finally told me he feels comfortable with me. And I refuse to say I did the wrong thing.

I saw my ex today.
after writing poem after poem referring to the love we used to have. After I found new life and new love in a new man.
And I refuse to let myself go back down that road.

I saw my ex today.
And after all this time he missed me more than I missed him.
And I refuse to be that little and naive girl again.

My Heart is a never ending Fire.
My tears ash
My blood fuel
And I will keep Burning
     And Burning
          And Burning
Just try and put me out

Remember the Rush?
I do.
Remember the Feel?
I do.

Remember the time you felt alive and all was still?
The day you got that
That medal of yours

You thirsted for them
Had to have more
And you achieved another
Another achieved again

But that last accident threw you for a spin
And you’re on bedrest
You’ve lost some shine
Like those medals

These medals of mine...

I’m upset.

But the type of upset that has no words;
The type of upset that doesn’t feel like anything;
The type of upset that I should have known would come back.

I’m lost.

But the type of lost where I know where I am physically but not mentally;
The type of lost where I’m doing what I’m doing but I don’t know how I’m doing it;
The type of lost that keeps me from forgetting what I still know.

I’m angry.

But the type of angry that keeps me calm;
The type that leaves me speechless;
The type that helps me reign in my rampage.

I’m here-
And there-
And lost and scared.
Upset-
Can’t breathe-
It’s just me.

It’s just me.

I miss the late night drives,
With you by my side-
I miss the late night skies,
With glowing stars like glowing eyes-
I miss the late night highs,
With the bonfire for light.

Oh and how I am now-
With none of the above.
Oh and how I am now-
With Nothing I love.

I just miss the you and the smile,
The rush of love gone wild-
I just miss the hands in the cold,
The warmth of something to hold-
I just miss us naive;
not wise and old.

I don’t have the time though,
To think of these now.
I don’t have the time though,
To wonder about how.

It’ll just be me—
Upset again forever.
It’ll just be me—
Learning to love another.
It’ll just be me—
In the end loving myself.

But then again
          I’m still left
                    With Nothing
                                I love

We were always crazy kids with crazy dreams.
And we never changed.
Crazy kids.
With their crazy ideas.
Ideas of world peace and of no hunger.
These crazy kids they say.
But I’m one of them.
A crazy kid with her own crazy ideas.
Crazy dreams.
Dreams full of nothing but the future.
Crazy girl. With your crazy thoughts.
Stop for a second.
They’ll say give up.
Don’t do it crazy kid.
Don’t ever look back.
Or down. Or away.
Crazy kid with your crazy thoughts.
What will you think of next?

I'm in class
doodling-
instead of paying attention-
doodling instead of listening.

I'm just hearing
the mumbling
of the professor...
professor-ing.

he's talk talk talking about...
something.
Doing something
because of something.

But I’m just doodling.
Again not listening.
Again not hearing
Such important details

Of something
Happening somewhere
Because of...
Something

Something bad is happening
Again
Sounds like something that’s happened
Before

I continue to doodle
adding tornados to the scribbles.
Causing mayhem between
Simple blue lines on bleached paper

Just like somewhere
Where something happened
Because of...
Something

Concentrate-
Harder like the pressure of the pen
I doodle with
It’s too late

Lecture over.

I tried to take a picture
Of everyday I was with you
I tried to take a picture
Of all the happiness you bring

I tried to take a picture
Of the flowers that you sent
The ones that were red
With that very strong scent

I tried to take a picture
Of the day that shined so bright
The way the sun radiated yellow
Giving us its light

I tried to take a picture
Of the nights by the lake
Where we sat in the blackened dark
Smoking getting baked

I tried to take a picture
Of the smile on my face
But I turned the camera around
To hide the clear but staining tears that raced

I tried to take a picture
Of the love around me,dear
But an uncompromising flash burnout
Causes me fear

I tried to take a picture
Of the happiness you bring
But what I captured
Was the truth and its sting

it's like Opposite Day
The day when today It-is-not, but
Now the sun is shining and the clouds depart to show that it's smiling

it's like Tomorrowland
the land of the accomplished
where everything I said I'd do is finished and on time and I have no worries of the clock on my mind

it's like the neighbor’s yard
where the Joneses stay
with their better grass and HD TVs

—but it's Sunday night here in the present where I lay on the yoga mat on the cement floor
and try to think of the day I'm the Joneses and someone looks into my backyard

It could be the ***
or the sun
because it's hot

It could be the beer
or the wind
because it's loud in my ear

It could be the night
or the moon
because it's nature's right

That I feel this way
With you
everyday

and I don't care because
whatever we do
I'll be able to do whatever
with you

Hands together
Hands not
yours in mine
mine in yours
let go
hold on
tighter
tighter
--Ow you hurt me!
let go
--Just our pinkies then?

and we walked down another aisle
of a not so crowded store
in a not so crowded town  
a promise dangling between us
and forever on my mind

The whole is equal to the some of its parts
and my parts are ****
the rest of me could only follow suit
as the law--the theory--the timeline--the cosmically known universe
insert bigger word here
consumes, consumes--
bites down on me.

If part one fights to be what I hope is to be good and part two fights to become the character foil do the parts equal nothing?
If a tree falls in the woods and--
no one is around to hear your stupid lies?
If one plus one equals two
then that's me, and you, and
Who is that?

If the whole can't be whole without its parts
can space be space if we haven't seen the whole of space
bars at night close in the morning
and the more I ponder and ponder and think
about it
You are no more better than me
Than I am of you

I want to be innocent again.
I want to believe the world can love a love that feels like love.
I want to believe that change is easy and it works.
I want to believe that people help people for the reward of helping people
But
I might as well believe in

Dragons.

I looked up at the stars not to seek out life.
There's life here.
I looked up at the stars not to see the beauty.
There's beauty here.

I looked up at the stars not to lose myself.

I looked up to find myself.

I like to stop
and think. And
jump and sing.
Also I like to breathe
and know
that I'm alive
with you

It was always cold here.

Even when the green fingers of the earth pulled themselves out
into the glowing radiance
of an afternoon sun
and from the confines of the slop of mud
     --and dust
          --and dirt
               that they were dormant in.

It was always cold here.

Even when the night was spewing of freedom and of color.
A world away from the routine that kept us
like the walking dead.
When others ran around in nothing but undergarments, I sat
     --cross legged
         --with a can in my hand
               that was supposed to help me forget the cold.

But,
It was always cold here.
And colder now that you are gone.

The faded flicker of the far off clock was my only source of light. Until I picked up my phone and let my 2 A.M. thoughts run rampant. They made my fingers race across the screen. Made them play tag. They swiped and pinched until finally there you were. At 2 A.M. you were in my hands again. You're smile was as wide as ever and your eyes held the same glitter like they did when you used to talk to me. And You spoke about me even more. People would often come up to me and say that my name was all that would slip off your tongue. And I remembered that snake. The first time it brushed against my lower lip wanting access like a lion knowing that there was more to life than it's own cage. But to everyone, you spoke of me like I was the one who made the sun rise, who put the stars in the sky, who made the wind blow, and who made your world as you knew it turn.
My 2 A.M. thoughts made my fingers dance again. And another you appeared before me. All dressed up. Like we were married. But far from it. We sat like we had to save space on the Mayflower. I was in your lap and your arms were around my fragile frame. And I knew I would never love someone as much as I loved you that night. And my 2 A.M. thoughts brought me to the messages. Where are little "I love you more" fights were held and our futures were voiced. Remember that?
I was only a few months older than you. And I remember saying that I had to wait longer for my soulmate to come to me. And there you were again. In my head talking to me when we were bestfriends. While tapping on the plastic on the screen, the fingers fought for their right to voice the will of my 2 A.M. thoughts.
And I wrote about how I met you so far, way back when. I wrote about the dances we went to, the dates we laughed about. And then ultimately the 2 A.M. thoughts brought me to the deepest places I never wanted to let set free again.
And they scrambled on the keyboard of the phone! CAPS LOCKs, sorrys, pleads, and begs. Explanation after explanation and so many what if's. And I read it and read it. And only now did I realize that I was choking on the tears that you left me with. And I continued with the rant, and blamed you for what happened and blamed you for the causes. And then I stopped. And wept into the cold tear stained pillow, screaming into it like it was my last shot at everything I could ever have been. And once I felt numb enough to pretend that it wouldn't bother me anymore I let the small sobs escape my quivering lips and I destroyed the barrage of words that was my 2 A.M. thoughts. And instead willed my hands to let the fingers dance once more as I typed:

You're coming back, right?

_____

You're coming back right (sent 2:35 A.M.)
  (read 2:36 A.M.)

. . .

And the dots they came.
And I waited.
But inevitably,
Just like you,
They left me with the question:
You're coming back, right?

Machines--
with their gears,
     running on oils,
          doing what they were made to do.

Humans--
With their thoughts,
     Running on beliefs,
          doing what they think they were meant to do.

What if...
I'm as light as a feather and as heavy as lead.
What am I doing here?
Where do I want to go?

What if...
Now something stupid to think off.
We could run in the fields?
And pretend we are kings and queens?

What if...
I can't fathom the universe.
And we are just here?
And we don't exactly know where?

What if...
Let's live more lies.
Do we ever fall in love?
Do we ever know the worst from the best?

Takes hit.
And as the smoke billows out and away,
I wonder
What if?...

We claim to be children of God in this age.
We claim to want peace as we fire hand grenades.
We want the truth as we tell our own lies.
We want promises but break our own ties.

Corrupted, mislead, riots turning the streets red.
Turn off the TV, tuck your children safely in bed
With these images stuck in their head.

Our brains are rotting what has this world caused us to be?
21st century zombie-
Plugged in at all times.
Why is our laziness not considered a crime?

Why has He
Not come forth to teach us there's
So much more in this life-

Besides the pillage, the ****.
Everyone has their own *** tape.
The ******, the politics, the News
There is no difference, no one wears a cape.

We claim to know what's best, but let the wrong govern us: the minority and the rest.
We claim to want to help, but lock up the wrong because he is not like our self.
We claim to be equal, but won't let me marry who I want to still.
We claim and we claim, but it all stays the same.

Death and Life sat together
Watching as the sun
Went away that night and said
Goodnight to everyone

Death was looking at Life
Whose head was pointed to the ground
Why my beautiful Mistress
Do you carry such a frown?

Life replied sadly,
I am sad to only see
That tears and screams await you
And all the smiles go to me

Death now understood
Why his mistress was depressed
I can't explain it all, said he
But I'll try to do my best.

Death, hand in hand with Life,
Started to explain,
I am a Truth that can't be outrun,
But you are a Lie that they live away.

You are merely temporary,
But I am always imminent,
Although they want the opposite
I am stuck forever, permanent

But isn't there- said Life
Who was promptly stopped by Death,
No, he answered, there's none.
So she cried through broken breaths

Death heard a familiar ring;
And all too familiar it was.
I must be going.
And you should leave as well,
For reasons you should be knowing.

Yes, said Life
Through her broken cries,
For you are the Unwanted Truth,
And I am their Beautiful Lies.

Death began to chuckle,
Yes this is true.
That every Truth ends with me,
And every Lie begins with you.

So they walked away together
And through the hospital doors,
One to tell a Truth,
And the other to Lie once more.