When something is so hot that is makes you realise how cold you are...

Sometimes meanings just get lost in translation,
Whether it's from Japanese to English,
Or simply from my thoughts to my words.

I can feel someone's hands inside my abdomen,
Holding all my vital organs in those hands,
And squeezing till I feel like I might burst.
They have their hands around my throat,
So that I can't speak, can't move, can't breathe.
Until there is no way I could ever escape from them.

The crunching sound of glass under the sole of my shoe.
The gentle bend as the metal frames twisted unrecognisably.
Fragments littering the cement around me.
For what purpose did I need them.

Walking away.
Dread and edrenaline mix together.
Jumping at my own shadow.
Yet no longer having to look at the world.

No longer having to see it.
But still stuck inside it.
Standing behind the retina.
Behind the same distorted lenses.

Shame.
Longing.
Blind.
Lost.

You belong with the stars in the sky,
But I wouldn't really want that,
Because then we would have to say goodbye.

So you'll just have to say on the ground with me,
And all we can do is think about,
The wonderful star you could be.

You would fill space with an amazing hue,
The colour of your eyes,
That Celeste Velato blue.

You would brighen the sky around you,
And when darkness would try take over,
I know you would always push through.

You would have a gravity so strong,
You would pull everyone towards you,
In a way that could never be wrong.

Your hydrogen and helium and nuclear fusion,
You would burn so hot,
Though it would be no illusion.

You would have a heart bigger then the sun,
So caring and so wise,
And loved by everyone.

You were meant to be a star,
So don't you ever forget,
Because to me you already are.

How can you even start to express to someone that you want to watch yourself bleed...

That you want to rip open your own skin and feel the warmth trickel down you body.
Watching it seap out of you and slide across your skin.

How do you explain that this is a craving stronger then you could ever describe and ever so hard to resist.
That this red liquid is able to quench your metaphorical thirst for emotional relief.

How can you explain that that it helps...
That in some twisted way the pain makes everything hurt less.

How do you explain to them that it scares the living hell out of you,
That this is something you can do to yourself,
That this is something you want to do to youself.
The knowing that even after so many years you still crave it,
And you don't think you will ever stop craving it.

How can you explain to them that you don't want them to think you're crazy.
That it just hurts too much for you to bare.
That you are trying to bare it but the pain you feel inside is too much.

That the fact that you can't see this pain scares you,
that others can't see your pain scares you,
That you don't even understand this pain scares you.
And maybe this is why you crave watching yourself bleed.

It's a pain you can see,
A pain that others can see,
A pain you can understand,
But now that you see the pain you understand that you don't want others to see it.
Because how could you even beguin to explain.


How could I ever beguin to expain to you that I want to watch myself bleed...

I didn't write my essay...

Because in a room of silence,
Everything feels so loud.
My brain is screaming at me to run away,
Like the paper in front of me has claws and teeth,
Just waiting to tear me apart.
I want to tear it apart.

I can feel it bubbling and boiling up my throat,
Suffocating me so the anxiety can breath.
But I can't breath.
When did this silence become so deafening?

The insomniatic somnolence coats me.
16kHz of sound running through my eardrums.
Empty words written on the walls of bathroom cubicals.
The lifes of people who come and go,
Snagged on the emtpy soap dispensers.

***** lino floors folded at the edges.
The rattling sounds of doors locking around me.
Plastic seats flipped down to carry weights,
Of the people who come to just sit down.
The rusted hinges on doors I can't seem to leave through.

This is both my prison and my safety.

When you say you want to die,
I want to say 'me too',
But I can't,
Because you're only eleven.

When you ask about the scars on my arm,
I tell you it happen by accident,
So not to give you any ideas,
Because you're only eleven.

When you cry and I hold you tight,
I tell you a lie,
That everything is going to be ok,
Because you're only eleven.

When I cry I cover my eyes,
I don't want you to see my pain,
So I can help you deal with yours,
Because you're only eleven.

When things get to hard,
I want to keep you safe,
So you don't have to face the world alone,
Because you're only eleven.

When you say you want to die,
I promise to help you live,
And give you the support I never got,
Because I was only seven.

You called me cupcake
Because that's all you saw
The sweetest parts of me
Not the the scars that I bore

I will call you a lion
Because of the strength in your heart
You were always so brave
So caring, so smart

But now we have both turned to mice
Too scared to fight our wars
Because you are not longer mine
And I not longer yours

This is not what I wish
Disassociated from you
Without a word spoken
To much isolation for two

I want you to know
That I still love you
Just not the way...
I use to

I want to talk
I want to speak
I want you to smile 
So my world isn't so bleak

Just because your not 
My whole world any more 
That doesn't mean I don't 
Need you to be part of it

A million centipedes are crawling under my skin.
I've killed all the plants in my mind's garden.
Waterlogged with saline as I try to dehydrate my face.
But I'm not prepared when they come out to play.
They climb up the hypertrophic ladders on my skin.
Clawing at me while I rip off all their anthropomorphic legs.
They seep poison into my bloodstream that contaminates my brain.
It leaves me helpless.

There are...
There are times
Where every day
Just seems darker
Than the last

Where every moonset
Every sunrise
Every new day
Just feels like another
Burden to bare

When you get out of bed
It's all the same
As the day before
And nothings changed
So what's the point anymore

The people that walk by
Always talking
Never listening
Going about their business
Like they are the center of the world
Like nothing could hurt them

But they all wear masks
No one shows their true face
Not to their best friends
Nor to their closest family
Sometimes not even to themselves

So why even bother getting up
Stay in bed today
Stay in bed forever
What's the point in trying
Why does it even matter

I miss you,
But I know you don't.
I wish you would,
But I know you won't.

I miss your (pained) smile,
And the way that you walked.
The way you (never) really,
Listened when I talked.

I miss the words your said,
Your advice I would (never) need.
How when we walked,
You would always (make me) lead.

I miss the way you (didn't) acknowledge me,
How you were always three steps ahead.
The way you would (never) hug me,
No matter what I said.

I miss you,
And I will forever.
It's ok if you forget me,
As I know our bond will never sever.

The the words whizzing around my head,
A swarm of bees around my ears,
So loud I can't think,
I'm sorry what did you say?

Fingers sliding across my skin
Bu-dum bu-dum bu-dum
Like a car over speed bumps

Red beads on my wrist
Meaningless memories
I've tried to leave behind

Rainbow Vains
To clear the lack of colour
Tell me when it rains

The creases flowing rivers
Crisscrossing on their journey
Pulled along by strings of fate

Calluses sparce on thin skin
Protection against the common
On this irregular sphere

Where there is good
There is always bad

Where there is light
There is always shadows

So with a light that shines
As brightly as your
There are bound to be
Shadows that come along

But I know with the bright light
That you choose to share
with every one you meet
That you can overcome them all

Falling

Falling forever downwards
Into a hole that just grows
Deeper and deeper
And darker and darker

Digging

Digging my hole deeper
With every mistake I make
Every time I mess up
Every time I hurt someone

Crying

Crying tears fall from my eyes
The shame and embarrassment
Saying sorry is not enough
For me to be forgiven

Remembeing

Remembering every mistake I made
No matter how small they are
Or how bad my memories is
They will never stop replaying in my mind

Begging

Begging for forgiveness
For things they probably don't remember
And that probably don't care about
But they need to know that I do

Hoping

Hoping that one day they will forgive me
And that I will forgive myself
For the things that create my hole
And then mabey I will stop...

Falling

There is not one person
that isn't afraid
of the dark.
The fear
of the
deep
dark
abyss,


A fear of the unknown.

Stop using me as an excuse
To make them feel disrespected
Don't tell me what I'm feeling
Just becuase you think I'm neglected

You say that "Now she knows
What it's like from your point if view"
But may I please ask
What does this have to do with you

Stop telling them that they are a sinner
Becuase to understanding you are a begginer

They live life as best they can
So what if they want to be a man

Just because they have
Changed their birth name
Doesn't give you reason to ignore
the challenges they overcame

Your say you love them
But I find that has to believe
You may be old and wise
But you are still so naive

You wanted to change them back
But what's done is done
You may have lost a granddaughter
But you gained a grandson

Your words hurt
I hope you know
They cut like knives
I told you so

Your worried about the scars
that we leave on our skin
But yours are the ones
That lie deeper within

Your are our role models
Of whom we seek to make proud
So please think
Before you shout so loud

What you say is
"For your protection"
Isn't how you
should show affection

You look at us with anger
And excuses so wild
Sometimes I have to wonder
Who is the child?

Please don't yell
Show that you care
Please encourage us
And give us our share

Please be the adult
And don't cuss
And please, oh please
Tell us that you love us

To not let them win

They said to not give them a reaction
To not get angry
because that's what they wanted
Then they would just go away

So I did

I didn't give them a reaction
And I was only ever nice to them
And they did get bored
and when away

But they had still won

They were only ones
that could've been my friends
Without them I was by myself
Sitting all alone while they forgot me

I had still lost

You see their grey
But you look away
You pretend not to see
You ignore their silent plea
Your eyes make contact
But you don't react
Their lost in an ocean
Trying try not make a commotion
Shunned by life
It cuts like a knife
Their love forgotten
Their mind all rotten
Leaving only anger and sadness
Bottles up inside the madness

Don't look away
You can see their gray
Do not ignore
Help them sore
Let them fly away
And don't forget to say

*I See You

It's nice to see you
Where've you been
I want to know
What's been happening

I can't help but think
It's been awhile
I've missed you a load
Especially your smile

There are so many things
I want to share
Your might even need
To pull up a chair

I'm so, so sorry
I have been gone so long
I really missed this place
Where I will always belong

I scream and shout
But nothing comes out
I cry and shed tears
But none will appear
So I'll shout some more
Until it starts to pour
Then I'll stand in the rain
And let go of this pain

You called me cupcake
Because that's all you saw
The sweetest parts of me
Not the the scars that I bore

I will call you a lion
Because of the strength in your heart
You were always so brave
So caring, so smart

But now we have both turned to mice
Too scared to fight our wars
Because you are not longer mine
And I not longer yours

This is not what I wish
Disassociated from you
Without a word spoken
To much isolation for two

I want you to know
That I still love you
Just not the way...
I use to

I want to talk
I want to speak
I want you to smile
So my world isn't so bleak

Just because your not
My whole world any more
That doesn't mean I don't
Want you to be part of it

Are children really so childish
Aren't they only just discovering what they wish
They should be protected from all their fears
And not have to shed so many tears
They should be able to let their imaginations run wild
Without their innocence ever being defiled
They should be able to be free
Not to worry about the waves of the deep blue sea
Can't we all just protect them
so nothing can ever hurt them

Someone once told me that pain is an illusion
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
But that doesn't mean you can't feel it
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What reality is isn't important
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It's that way you perceive it

To not let them win

They said not to give them a reaction
To not get angry or yell
Because that's what they wanted
Then they would just go away

So I did

I didn't give them a reaction
And I was only ever nice to them
Eventualy they did get board
And they did go away

But they had still won

They were the only ones
That could have been my friends
Without them I was by myself
Sitting alone while they forgot me

I had still lost

They sit together
Hand in hand
They kiss each other
With their feet in the sand

People that walk by
All stop and stare
Talk in hushed whispers
Why are people so unfair

Just because they are
Both of the same gender
When they are together
They are seen as the offender

But they committed no crime
No law has been broken
But the way they are treated
Can leave them heartbroken

How could it be said
That their love is untrue
Or that being who they are
Is something new

Don't judge people
For things they can't change
Don't discriminate against them
Or call them something strange

*We are all people
No matter what
That seems to be something
That we all forgot

You know about the clowns
With their terrible sounds
Terrifying the city
And thinking the're witty

I hold be breath
Because they scare me to death
They hide in the trees
Can they not please

They use to make me laugh
Now on my behalf
Please tell them to leave
Before All Hallows' Eve

Some people live their entire lives without ever seeing the light
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Not because they can't, but because they refuse to even try
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Don't stay in the darkness

I pull at my hair
And scratch at my skin
You ask me why
I don't even know where to begin

The curls in my hair are all wrong
The colour orange just doesn’t belong
My skin looks all weird colours and mottled
The feelings inside I keep up and bottled

There is no reason for my depression
I find it hard to show my expression
I escape into the word of fiction
I stay so long it becomes an addiction

Being who I am doesn’t conform
To what others consider the social norm
People who know my sexuality
See me as an abnormality

I get terrified when in a crowd
Everyone just always seems so loud
I cling to people like a leach
My voice is weak without freedom of speech

I wish I could be normal
But that would just abnormal
I wish I could learn to accept
But in that I am so inept

The red balloon flies up
into the endless blue sky
Out of reach of the little boys
small frail hands
He cries for the loss
of his precious friend
His mother sighs
and tells her son
'You should have held on tighter'

If the lizards tail
Is to ever be cut off
It always grows back

We belong together
Me and you
I can feel it
In what we do

Our hands don't fit
Together quite right
It wasn't love
At first sight

I won't always be there
But what ever I do
Still know that
I love you

My friend once told me that they were trash,
And I told them their thinking was rash,
Becuase one man's trash is another man's treasure,
And you will be mine for forever and ever.

A gun brings scarlet
A rose the colour of blood
Too many lives lost

Sometimes I find I can't think
So I decide to write in ink
I'll write a few lines
In the form of rhymes

Hoping for my emotions
To be expressed
The feelings that refuse
To be oppressed

So I post them online
No matter the time
Hoping my word
Can and will be heard

I wonder

Is the sun jealous of the moon
Or the fork of the spoon
Does the pencil envy the pen
Just a little, now and then

Does the tree begrudge the flower
Or the minute of the hour
Does the computer resent the phone
Because it has to stay at home

I wonder

The rain falls
Tip-tap
Drip-drop
Pitter-patter
Splish-splash

The wind howls
And moans
Like a wild beast
Calling out
With all its rage

The thunder sounds
Rumbling
Rolling
Roaring
Booming

The lightning
A waterfall
Of electricity
Crashing towards
The ground

I am I!

I scream to the sky
And do you want to know why?
Because too day is my day

When I get up in the morning
My hopes are up soaring
Like the birthday bird from Katroo

Today was the day of my birth
Without it I would have no worth
Because I would be an isn't

A day filled with happiness and joy
A day nothing bad could destroy
Even if someone tried

Because today I am me
And that is all I'll ever be
Today I'll make you see

I am I!

White
The only colour around him
White walls
White ceiling
White people

Red
The colour of blood
The colour of the hair
That ran down her shoulders
Red

The red scared him
It scared him more than the white did
The same colour that invaded his nightmares
And tortured his mind with memories
That would never be forgotten

Red was her colour
she was the nightmares
she was the memories
she was his torturer

Black was his colour
He was the dark shadows
He was a wild animal
He was her plaything

She controlled him
Left him lost and helpless
Filled him with fear and doubt
She drove him insane