you told me you were *******.... you said it like I meant so much to you, but I did know the truth, I know you probably say that to everyone, I was just the girl who was there that night, wrong place wrong time sort of thing.
you kept saying everything I wanted to hear, or everything you thought I wanted to hear.... but you were wrong, you were wrong when you said sorry about how I'm not with that guy anymore, when you held my hand or got me water, I was drunk, it was an opportunity that was to easy for you, you were wrong when you laughed and called me perfect, everything was so wrong....
those lies that leaked through your teeth were toxic to my bloodstream, I had heard them a million times
so you say your *******, that I'm different but I know it's a lie don't say your the one ******* when I feel like I'm gonna die.

I know my memories not the greatest, but I would have sworn you made me a promise....
it was in the beginning of August
you told me you loved me, you'd never forsake me
the vows made in the moonlight, now they break me
don't you remember?
weren't you there too?
maybe it's my imagination thinking you had loved me
but you hands were all over me
the passenger seat?
the Sunday's?
your parent's back yard?
all of our secrets thrown around
didn't you mean it?
or maybe I dreamed it....

I was the one who showed you this place
it was only last summer
I remember your green shirt
how your mom was so excited
I texted you at noon, it was now sunset
we had sent so many messages, I knew we had to meet
the sky was pink and orange
you looked so perfect in this light
this was my first date
you ate the blueberry frozen yogurt, it was my favourite
the sun started setting
darkness was coming.
there were so many more dates
the one where you kissed me
told me I was perfect
but the august I think hated us
because everything started falling apart
there were no more late night drives
just lots of tears
and forgotten 'I love yous'
it was September second
and I really wished I never met you.
I wished we never got frozen yogurt

Some nights seemed to last forever
Stretched out for far to many hours
Time had seemed dissipated into thin air
You kissed me on the forehead and held me for awhile
I was wearily from my travel
But you told me not to worry I’m safe for a little while….
The storm was raging on outside that door
It was so hard to ignore
Such sweet words were whispered in the now stale air, your smile gleamed from ear to ear
You told me don’t look out the window, nothing good to be seen there
I wondered what I did to deserve this, I hadn’t felt a loved one in far to long but you ran your fingers through my hair no questions about my sin.
‘Now’s not the time’
You held me for awhile saying I was home.

the poem had started with that lump in my throat, so small at first but it grew and I thought it would stop eventually but the more I thought the more I gave it power and it was horrible.
it was a homesickness that crawled under my skin, screaming to escape....
like some sort of lovesick sailor alone at sea begging for someone to hear him but the only thing there was was the lonesome breeze
It's so hard to explain why it started but I know it had something to do with you....
the words were building up and up and up until I couldn't breathe I felt intoxicated, everything was fuzzy, getting dizzy
that little lump that started in my throat was now killing me
it was all because of our ending
such a lack of commitment and it broke my heart
there was no voice to scream anymore just the hallowed out lungs of someone who was forced to forget how to breathe

I've started looking at your location less....
and I mean that's nothing amazing but it's something
it's something that I've taken out of my routine, something I'm not thinking about as much which means your a little less on my mind
still not by much.... but it's enough.
It's almost been a month and I have slowly stopped comparing the days to the last time I saw you or to where we made all those memories I stupidly thought would last forever, I guess that's something else
my standards of 'okay' are not very high which is such a shame because I could really go for the feeling of being whole again
it's just a fond memory that has disappeared into the dark night
or from the moment you left me.
god, I don't think I'll ever forget, your voice, your hands, your smile, the way you'd talk about everything you loved.... I just thought I was one of them.
I should stop writing about you I really should but it's the one thing you didn't take from me, actually you did the opposite, I drown in my words now, they bleed from me.... maybe that's why I feel so empty?
either way it's like a choke hold on me, forcing me to bring up something about you, I am drowning in your memory which is bleeding from my hands uncontrollably.
I just wonder if you think of me?

I should have seen this all coming....
the 3am crying and silent screaming, I knew it was coming, I knew from that moment you left me standing out in the rain on that horrible august day
I stupidly forgot what it felt like to be lonely, to be so alive at midnight or 2 in the morning, having no one to care about
funny how you used to be my best friend, not a single secret on my part, I was committed with my whole heart but you started getting strange.
our love died slow and strange cause it was only last week you were saying I held your heart, what happened to that flame?
it was washing away and there was nothing I could do but sit there and beg, it all ended the same even with me screaming for you to hear, now I question why did I even cared?
our love suffocated in this air and now I'm stranded with the echoes of your lies at the horrible hour of midnight.

I miss you.... It's quite ridiculous how much, I knew I would in many ways because we had somehow become one, but I did not think it would be like this.... I truly did not prepare for this
it's unbelievable how essential you had become to me
I know I should not have to make you love me any more by giving myself away like this, but I love you and foolishly I would have done anything for you
all of a sudden missing you had not become so simple....
it was something I held on to to remember you, have any sort of proof to say I really knew you, but in all the holding on I had lost parts of myself and this whole ordeal had become not so wholesome.
I do not resent you, I love you too much for that even still,
you had broken down all my defenses or I had let you that part is unclear
but either way it does not matter because even now even after everything I love you, and truly I think even from afar I'll continue too.
but please know I will always miss you

so there was this boy and I loved him even when he thought he was unlovable, this boy and his sad blue eyes
he held all the stars in the sky in the palm of his hands in my eyes
I would kiss him on the forehead and he'd tell me all these sweet sad lies.
this boy was not perfect but I loved him even in his darkest times
I would have given every part of me to hold him together
this boy I know he tried he pushed himself along for as long as he could but I guess it got to much, I really really tried to glue him back together, save those pieces that were slowly splitting from the structure.
but I could not be your hero....
I could no longer get you to smile, that boy I had picture perfect in my memory from last summer, he was drown out by some sort of sorrow, some sort of sadness that took over.
I'm sorry, sorry that I couldn't hold you together, sorry I wasn't good enough to help through the struggle, sorry I couldn't be your hero.
this boy, I didn't see it in the beginning but he was always broken born into some sort of jail cell with a disease no one could heal.
this boy told me I was the greatest thing to ever happen to him and I really wanted it to be real, but now I'm going on without you.
this broken boy decided to bear his soul alone
In the end I could not be his hero but you weren't the only one to struggled, I just hope you know I really loved you.

I thought maybe I meant something to you especially in those moments when you'd look at me like I held the sun....
wanting you burns me up from the inside out, one moment I'm okay and whole and smiling in that crowd full of people I don't know
and then I hear your voice....
and everything goes dark, I was supposed to be okay, I was okay
but the room starts spinning and I just want to go home
home is not where the heart is without you
so I lit a smoke and chugged the ***** to burn down my throat
laying on the bathroom floor alone
how come it didn't work?
how come these little memories keep falling down my cheek?
when all I want to do is scream....
I need you to be holding me, it wasn't supposed to be this way
it's awful not to be loved, it's the worst feeling ever it makes you mean and violent and you can never decide if you should just end it.... the liquor stops working and the music is so loud because you just want to stop thinking
and now I know why people throw themselves off bridges.

I never had a nickname....
then there was that one night it was late we were tired, really tired,
but in love....
the fresh kind where everything is shiny and fluffy and you laugh at everything and smile over at each other in that certain way
I remember you laughing saying I needed a nickname
you settled on frog....
it was weird and I didn't really like it but it make you smile
so I went along
I was frog to only you
it was frog and hugh
you called me beautiful and I believed you
you told me I was the greatest thing to ever happen to you
I wanted it so badly to be true
all of a sudden I started questioning me but that was your fault
it was the last time you called me frog and you didn't even have the decency to call
'hey frog, this is really hard for me to do....'
it was long and drown out across the bright screen, it was late at night and I was now alone.
told me I had such a beautiful soul you couldn't bring it down with you
I wanted to scream how could you.... how dare you
but truly I wanted to say I love you
I didn't, because I couldn't so I told you wow this is unexpected what else was I supposed to do?
you never answered your phone
and you never called me frog again.

you held my hand as we were intertwined
drunk of alcohol and each other
I smiled with your lips against mine
your heart was beating so fast under my palm
your hands explored places not even I knew were there....
it tickled the way you'd pull me close by the waist
I wanted to stay tucked between your arms for eternity
but the sun started to rise
I pried myself out of your arms kissed your lips and said goodbye....

**** me....
**** me now and watch me bleed
I want you to know that you were the death of me
**** me now before I have the chance to breathe
I don't want to feel the breeze just your hands choking me
**** me now and hurry please
there's nothing left in me....
**** me now like you killed me then just slightly more violently
stab me, shot me just make me bleed
you already took the best of me....
just **** me please.... and end this misery

I really don't know what to call this....
but you'd glance my way and this feeling would wash over me
like you had set a cage of butterflies free inside me
your eyes made me beyond nervous
they were so deep, intoxicating
I wanted to drown in them and run away all at the same time
this does not make sense because you are you and I am me
a boy and a dreamer
you are like the ground, steady, stable, always there
you sleep at night and work in the day.... nothing about your vision is blurry
sleep and myself are enemies, dreams consume my day and night
my heads spinning and nothing makes sense
you my love are perfect well I'm a paradox
hold me close.... for another second just incase my illusions come true....

the music stopped
but the moment before the last note ringed out
I remember thinking
I'll always remember us this way
the way before the sun goes down
and the moon comes out
I'll remember us in those quiet moments before dawn
when your smile was real
when I could tell you were happy.
I'll remember how you'd look at me with this fire
the way our hands couldn't stay off of each other
when your eyes said everything your lips couldn't
I'll remember everything....
I'll always remember us this way....

You ask why were not best friends....
when all you did today was comment on every mistake I made
Told me I had to fix my hair every time a strand got away
saying it wasn't good enough
In so many ways it meant I wasn't good enough
you asked why I hated you....
when I've never left loved by you
You told me I was being ridiculous
'after everything I've done for you' you started saying
I didn't hear what came after, the tears welling in my eyes and burn clogging my throat just a loud buzz in my ear drums
You told me I was in some sort of power house mood and couldn't be talked too....
but what if I've never been able to talk to you I just hid it better when I was younger?
Your always saying how the things I do aren't me....
wow, you must really not know me
the criticism is a lot weighting down on my shoulders but everything's fine I'll just roll my eyes
I sometimes wonder how you don't see me crying every night in my bed?
or if you know and just don't care?
You must notice how your words could cut through steel?
how every time you say something my eyes water?
I want to apologize but it's not my fault
everything hurts all the time
but how am I supposed to let go when I learned from a very young age that being judged by your mother is the worse pain of all....

does it hurt you that we don't talk anymore?
that I am now a passing stranger on the street?
it doesn't hurt me.... because you did that enough.
deep inside I know I will never love again
will never be able to give my heart away to another stranger
you were what was supposed to be the better part of me
and now I can't even imaging feeling another ones touch.
I really hoped I never had to know this feeling
you told me you loved me under the moon with the stars so bright not so long ago
and I believed you.
I thought the sun would shine again....
but I will never love again.

so you smiled when I talked and I didn't know what to do....
I knew I had fooled you.
I didn't mean to or want to but before I knew it all this power was in the palm of my hands.
and I was slipping under the pressure
you told me you loved me and all of a sudden I felt sick
I wanted to say it back as easily as you said it to me but I couldn't
the words were choking me as I tried to let them free.
love.
god, why was it so hard?
you were everything I needed and nothing I deserved
but you loved me wasn't that all that's supposed to matter?
wasn't that supposed to be enough?
you said it with such confidence....
and maybe I didn't say it back because I couldn't believe someone loved me when I hardly could.
but this wasn't about me this was about everything you would whisper in my ear late at night that made me sick to my stomach.
I begged myself to put on a mask and pretend everything was okay for your sake.
and it worked for a little while
but hiding became harder and harder....
you began to notice and every time you looked at me I could see it quietly breaking you
I really didn't want it to
for me to be the reason of that look
but I just didn't love you....

I'm so sorry....
I'm sorry that I was not the daughter you wanted
the daughter you hoped to have
but if you want the honest truth I tried....
I tried really really hard everyday to be someone you deserved.
You told me you loved me and I knew you did somehow
I just wished you showed it a little better
there was so much doubting in everything I did.... or do.
but I promise you I wanted to be that girl you had pictured in your head, secretly knowing I'd never fit your mold.
but I don't know what to do anymore....
I cried myself to sleep last night just like the night before
but then you ask why my eyes are puffy
it's not very attractive you say.
well, I'm sorry my hair didn't look good today
or that I wasn't home yesterday.
my every move is not okay
but I'll love you anyway....

bite your tongue little one....
don't tell anyone your secrets not even your mom.
hold everything in because that's what you do.
there's no such thing as crying yourself to sleep at night
that's just a myth told by a stranger one....
the shadows aren't real your imagining them.
nothing lays behind the dark curtains blocking your view
I guarantee that to you.
don't run away that is not what we do
I'm telling you there's a light inside of you.
sticks and stones could break my bones but you will never know it.
hide away those scary thoughts for they are not your own.

so you say I am not putting effort into us....
you accused me of being distant and heartless....
while I laid in bed praying you'd call me or text me.
I woke up every morning hoping to hear from you
anything from the simplest hey to the most meaningful good morning.
I would think about your eyes and how they were so blue.... how badly I wanted them to look at me.... truthfully.
I craved to know you
how you liked your coffee,
your favourite dessert
favourite season
anything.
anything to get me a glimpse of who you are.
but you shrugged me off
saying you were busy....
I respected that, I respected you.
until you said you loved me
it truly did break me....
you were such a good liar until those words slipped from you lips.
you did not love me,
you just loved yourself to much.

This went way to far....
before I knew it you were telling me you loved me
but I've been scared from the start.
you smiled when we called
laughed when I talked
you just seemed so happy....
I want to say I tried so hard
but the truth is I didn't.
I knew you were not who I wanted
but I led you on from the start.

I heard you finally found someone....
someone who can give you thing's I guess I never could,
even though I tried:
I'm so happy that your dreams came true like you always wanted
and I promise you I tried really hard to stay away....
but I needed to see for myself if everything was okay
there was always a fire in your eyes I pray it didn't go away
but as time flew away I wanted to make sure it was still there
from our glory day's.
I also wanted to apologize
It's all my fault anyway
because I know I will never find someone like you.

there were worlds in my eyes that no one else could see....
they called me a dreamer, the way I would imagine the world not as it's truly seen
I was anything but....
I was set apart
always running in circles as they all think it's so easy
but I was living in a non reality
my mind spoke to loud
they have no idea how everything is so hard.

all the cards were unfolding in my hands out of control
the lights were slowly going out as I dug my own grave but somehow you ended up falling in the hole.
I was the worst of all
but it's just so dark inside
please don't get to close
I'm trying to hide the truth
I need to let you go
I really didn't want to let you down
but there's such a beast inside  
I guess were all just made of greed

I wanted to tell you how sorry I was....
that I had to find you in this cruel world and break your heart.
all I want is to go back to the start
but nobody ever told me it would be this hard.
the words 'I love you' clogged my throat making it impossible for me to breath.
it is such a shame we had to part
but it was all because of my heart.
I wish we never said hello on that day not so long ago.
you really were lovely
you told me all your secrets
but we were running in circles forgetting who we really are.
if I could go back to the start.... I never would have broken your heart.

Almost....
death could not hold a torch to the word that lingers in my mind every second of every day.
we were almost something, and that almost will haunt me for the rest of my life.
I will think about how we almost kissed that night in the dark, drunk off ***** and each other.
how you almost held my hand when we were so close to each other in the back of that old chevy truck.
the almost, when you smiled at me,
when we looked at each other,
when every word held so much anticipation.
our almost will be my forever.

we were testing every limit we could get our hands on....
it was like we could not survive without chaos.
it was always us dancing in burning building,
threatening the lightning,
coasting that gray line between life and death.
you'd push and I'd pull....
we fought like cats and dogs.
we blamed the world for it's shallow trick's it played on us....
but we were already way off the deep end,
crashing through the surface of everything we wanted to be.

I wanted your finger running down my body,
touching places that sent shivers down my nerve endings.
I want to be destroyed by your mere touch....
knowing I could get nothing like this anyway else,
because you effect me in a way that no one else other than you can.
it's electric, it sends vibrations through my body.
I know you could wreck me with just a brush of you lips,
so why don't you?
I dare you....

words had maddened me....
the cobwebs hanging from the drafts of the only room where I felt at home but also as if I was completely losing my mind.
his invisible hands wrapping around my throat trying to choke me.
my hands were ****** with all the truths I could not tell him,
refusing to let escape my lips and make a noise.... but slowly they were sneaking through my hands, the words running down my lips to my finger tips.
the candle lit beside me was the only light left,
not being able to reach far enough to my soul to reignite it.
paper thrown everywhere, as my only listener....
but his imprints were on everything....
including me.

I couldn't help but smile when you talked, something contagious in your voice that sent bubbles through my stomach.
you didn't think you were attractive, and I guess I didn't think I was either....
but god, you had no idea.
everything about you was beautiful, from your hazel eyes to your red hair, every word you spoke was like honey, and I was getting more and more stuck every time we talked.
it didn't take me long before I knew....
I knew you were the one I wanted to fall asleep beside,
the one I wanted to hold hands with through life,
the one I wanted to tell my day too.
and all it took was your honeydew voice....

you had a gun,
there was blood everywhere,
but I couldn't run....
I saw the tears drowning in your eyes,
and I knew it was all a big mistake.
but you were the one holding the gun.
I didn't even hear it go off, but it did.
everything was supposed to be alright
you told me you had to do it.
and I believed you....

if all of the pieces fell into place could we make it through time and through space?
if everything aligned in the sky like we deserved, could it end up being you and I?
if not.... hold me one more time, tell me that in another universe there's a perfect you and I.
kiss me slowly like we have all the time in the world, like when we first fell in love.
I know all we did was try, but some would say it's better this way.
everything was gone in a blink of an eye.
and I guess it just wasn't mean to be you and I.
not in this life, it's not the right time....

I thought loving you would be like coming home....
or how it felt as a child to be carried into the house by your father when you were almost asleep in the car.
but I wasn't even close....
loving someone is like nothing else, I couldn't tell you anything in this world it is like.
but if I had to try to convey a fraction of what it feel's like, I'd say this.
Love is a war nobody will ever win, they will think they have but in the end nobody wins.
someone will always be burnt, fractured, bruised.
love always leaves scars.... on you or them or someone far in the back, someone who watched from the side lines wishing to be seen.
Love is a battlefield where nobody knows who's side their fighting for.
I used to think love was like coming home, but it's like going to war, blindfolded.

what if I never forget you....
what if ten years go by and I still remember how your upper lip twitched in that lop sided way when you were confused.
what if I meet someone new but all I see in them is missing pieces of you....
what if twenty years drag on and I'm still stuck on you.
how you smelt of pine and whiskey, tears and regrets.
what if every night when I lay in bed I wish you were there beside me, holding me, feeling your heart beat against mine.
what if life gets away from me and I miss out on everything I want, because you were most of it.
what if I'm on my death bed, aged with gray hair and tired skin, and my last thought is that I spent my whole life loving you, even when you didn't love me back.... even if you left?

everybody warns you about death....
how losing a loved one can destroy your life, ripe apart what you always knew to be reality and shake it out of control completely.
but nobody warns you what its like to morn the death of someone who is still alive, someone who still trapes the earth but has nothing to do with you.
they tell you how this person you love will be taken away, but gone to a better place.
but what about him?
what about the boy I loved more than the universe itself who's gone but just in my life?
and I the one who dies while he still gets the privilege to live?

I could tell right from the start there was much more to your heart,
for all those little things that made you smile.
I really didn't want to want you like I did.... (do)
but there were depths to you that were so beautiful I needed more,
I craved to know that side of you.... of one so pure.
but you should have saved yourself.
I wanted to know every secret you kept hidden away inside.
I wanted to know when you spoke what was going through your brilliant mind.
there was so much more than meets the eyes.
you always chose your words before you spoke.... just another reason you should have saved yourself.
I dove in without giving you a second to breathe, forgetting everything I wasn't and everything you were.
I could tell from the very start that I weighed heavy on your heart.
If only I had the strength to turn around,
or only you the strength to save yourself.
You were just so pure, not yet tainted by this world as I.
you knew of sorrow, but not yet have it break you.... until I.
really you should have saved yourself and find someone else.
but it was to late now....
to far in to turn around.
we let our feelings take control....
when you really should have been saving yourself....

the question of what I'm afraid of haunts me....
I will sometimes say the darkness, trying to play it off cool.
or maybe it's deep water, and what lays beneath the muggy depths.
I sometimes think it's fire, how powerful it could be, how quickly it could destroy everything just as you turn away.
I could always say it's weather, how the wind howls so creepily
the way the thunder shakes the earth.
there's a million different things I could say.
but truly if you want to know what keeps me up at night.
it's you....
I'll lay in bed and think about how one day you'll me gone.
how no matter how much I love you, it could never be enough.
I know I'm not the prettiest.
my hair maybe too brown.
I don't have a body like hers.
So I guess there's the truth.
I'm scared of losing you.

love is supposed to be late night phone calls.
going out for dates anywhere, it didn't matter where as long as you were with them.
cuddling and movies.
kisses and laughter.
baking together when your bored.
smiled and stolen glances.
love is supposed to be soft and calm, like you were living in some sort of fairytale.
but that was not our love.
our love was yelling and screaming, just to make up for a few hours.
our love was burning skin because we couldn't keep our hands off each other, mad or happy.
our love was engraving our names into each other
our love was some sort of claim, we happily destroyed each other with passion.
our love was crying my eyes out at 2 in the morning because you left, you threatened and you'd come back.
our love was lies and truths and everything we didn't need to experience at such a young age.
you'd look at me and I'd melt in place.
our love was not soft or beautiful....
it was a wrecking ball covered in fire, destroying everything in it's path.... even us.

"let someone in" their voice rang though my head.
flashbacks of how my soul died replayed over and over and over again through the fog of my memory.
they meant it so innocently, but he was so innocent when I let him in.
my arms were wide open, I told him to make himself comfortable when he entered the depths of my heart.
and god, did he.
his shoes were muddy but I didn't even notice, his smile distracting me.
he opened my books on the shelf of memories, leaving them scattered all over the place.... his smooth beautiful lies consuming my mind to a point where I didn't care what he did.
I let him trapse through my deepest secrets, my most intense thoughts, while he sat there and smiled saying how he loved me.
why did I have to believe him?
he laced his words with so much truth it made my head spin,
he was bringing parts of me alive that had died so many years ago and I thought he'd stay.... but I also thought he loved me.
but before I could even blink he had ran out the door.
the door which used to have a wall built around it with a lock.
a wall that he broke down, and lock he somehow managed to get through.  
he was a storm that had ripped through my whole being, leaving me even more damaged than before.
but it's okay.... I'll just 'let someone in' again.

Love is not soft life the movies, or even how your mom tells you as you fall asleep as a young child.
love pushes past all your limits not caring how much it will destroy you, love basks in your pain.
cupid is a cruel man, that evil bow of his stabbing and twisting deep inside you.... yet you welcome it, you want it to strike you, hoping it will let someone love you the way you think love is.
but it never does.... it's never the right one, or the right time.
anything and everything trying to stop you, well cupid laughs in your face.
your mother never tells you how loving someone who doesn't love you back will ******* destroy you.... there is nothing like it.
the nights you spend hoping that one day they'll look at you even just a little how you look at them.
you spend hours ripping yourself apart because they so easily make you feel like not enough, probably oblivious to all of it because they don't care, they never did, and never will.
so now you live though some small fragments of who you used to be, hoping that one day everything will go back to normal and you can forget them and what they did to you.
but love doesn't work like that, it's wired in a way where you'll never forget.
love scars so deep yet so easily.
before you can even exhale you've fallen so far down that it feel's like your going to suffocate.
love is not dancing in the clouds, or singing in the rain, it's not falling asleep in the arms of comfort.
it's stabbing, and wounds.... blood dripping from parts of yourself you didn't even know existed, it's crying and crying and crying because you aren't enough in the eyes of the person you worship.
it's drowning out yourself just to hear their voice.
it's becoming a shadow and distant reflection of who you used to be, with their initials engraved on the marrow of your hallowed out bones.  
love is not soft and beautiful like an early morning breeze.
it's so close to death, but you never really truly end the suffering and die.

Blue is how I feel about you....
Blue is how cold my blood runs whenever I think about you.
Blue and black is the colour of the sky and rain the night you told me you were leaving, the night you chose to not be with me.
Blue were your eyes that I so willingly drowned in.
Blue is now my only emotion.
when I think about you, my eyes flash with blue.... when the sky so bright and beautiful crowds over me.
Blue is how I die, remembering you.

I'm so sick of writing about pain, and how it's taking me over.
I wanna scream for everything to stop.
the pain and hurt and sickness.
curl myself up in a ball and forget what it was like to feel.... I just wanna stop feeling everything so deeply for just a second so I can start thinking clearly.
I'm somewhat convinced the darkness hates me, refusing to give me any sort of rest.
I've forgotten what the word sleep means.
nobody knows what happens behind that door after 11. the room slowly starts closing in on itself, leaving me such little room to breathe.
It reminds me of everything I've done wrong, everything I've lost.... you.
I've tried to tune it out.... refusing to let it get to me, but always.... it always found a way to rip me apart so silently, so meaninglessly.
no one would believe me even if I told them.
"how can the darkness be so cruel? go to sleep."
I can feel their voices clogging my lungs, everything they say is another stab to my already bleeding heart.
I will scream.... but nobody will hear my pleas for peace.

Passion is something that coats my skin.
It runs through my veins constantly.... knowing that this is it's home.
Passion is a feeling, a power, being alive at midnight because your mind can't shut off. every muscle in your brain always on memorizing unimportant details because that's what catches it's attention.
Passion is having no one match your energy, feeling like nothing is ever enough.
Passion and I are best friends.... always have been. we live for one another. knowing we'll never find a kindred soul.

you think you broke me into a thousand little pieces when you left. and to be truthfully honest you did, but how could I ever tell you that? you left without a second thought, not caring at all about how I felt, or what this would do to such a passionate feeling soul.
so I will never tell you.... that I have sworn to myself, like an oath. keeping secrets has gotten somewhat easier since you left, I don't have to lie to myself about how I thought you would stay, or that you truly loved me. I'd like to say it feels like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders but that would be a lie in itself.
somehow I feel empty, but a thousand pounds heavier since your departure.
It doesn't make sense, but nothing did with you.
so I guess I'll keep going, no other option. but I'll do it with a smile on my face (even if it's fake). always remembering that you have broken me but at least you will never know how much....