you held my hand as we were intertwined
drunk of alcohol and each other
I smiled with your lips against mine
your heart was beating so fast under my palm
your hands explored places not even I knew were there....
it tickled the way you'd pull me close by the waist
I wanted to stay tucked between your arms for eternity
but the sun started to rise
I pried myself out of your arms kissed your lips and said goodbye....

**** me....
**** me now and watch me bleed
I want you to know that you were the death of me
**** me now before I have the chance to breathe
I don't want to feel the breeze just your hands choking me
**** me now and hurry please
there's nothing left in me....
**** me now like you killed me then just slightly more violently
stab me, shot me just make me bleed
you already took the best of me....
just **** me please.... and end this misery

I really don't know what to call this....
but you'd glance my way and this feeling would wash over me
like you had set a cage of butterflies free inside me
your eyes made me beyond nervous
they were so deep, intoxicating
I wanted to drown in them and run away all at the same time
this does not make sense because you are you and I am me
a boy and a dreamer
you are like the ground, steady, stable, always there
you sleep at night and work in the day.... nothing about your vision is blurry
sleep and myself are enemies, dreams consume my day and night
my heads spinning and nothing makes sense
you my love are perfect well I'm a paradox
hold me close.... for another second just incase my illusions come true....

the music stopped
but the moment before the last note ringed out
I remember thinking
I'll always remember us this way
the way before the sun goes down
and the moon comes out
I'll remember us in those quiet moments before dawn
when your smile was real
when I could tell you were happy.
I'll remember how you'd look at me with this fire
the way our hands couldn't stay off of each other
when your eyes said everything your lips couldn't
I'll remember everything....
I'll always remember us this way....

You ask why were not best friends....
when all you did today was comment on every mistake I made
Told me I had to fix my hair every time a strand got away
saying it wasn't good enough
In so many ways it meant I wasn't good enough
you asked why I hated you....
when I've never left loved by you
You told me I was being ridiculous
'after everything I've done for you' you started saying
I didn't hear what came after, the tears welling in my eyes and burn clogging my throat just a loud buzz in my ear drums
You told me I was in some sort of power house mood and couldn't be talked too....
but what if I've never been able to talk to you I just hid it better when I was younger?
Your always saying how the things I do aren't me....
wow, you must really not know me
the criticism is a lot weighting down on my shoulders but everything's fine I'll just roll my eyes
I sometimes wonder how you don't see me crying every night in my bed?
or if you know and just don't care?
You must notice how your words could cut through steel?
how every time you say something my eyes water?
I want to apologize but it's not my fault
everything hurts all the time
but how am I supposed to let go when I learned from a very young age that being judged by your mother is the worse pain of all....

does it hurt you that we don't talk anymore?
that I am now a passing stranger on the street?
it doesn't hurt me.... because you did that enough.
deep inside I know I will never love again
will never be able to give my heart away to another stranger
you were what was supposed to be the better part of me
and now I can't even imaging feeling another ones touch.
I really hoped I never had to know this feeling
you told me you loved me under the moon with the stars so bright not so long ago
and I believed you.
I thought the sun would shine again....
but I will never love again.

so you smiled when I talked and I didn't know what to do....
I knew I had fooled you.
I didn't mean to or want to but before I knew it all this power was in the palm of my hands.
and I was slipping under the pressure
you told me you loved me and all of a sudden I felt sick
I wanted to say it back as easily as you said it to me but I couldn't
the words were choking me as I tried to let them free.
love.
god, why was it so hard?
you were everything I needed and nothing I deserved
but you loved me wasn't that all that's supposed to matter?
wasn't that supposed to be enough?
you said it with such confidence....
and maybe I didn't say it back because I couldn't believe someone loved me when I hardly could.
but this wasn't about me this was about everything you would whisper in my ear late at night that made me sick to my stomach.
I begged myself to put on a mask and pretend everything was okay for your sake.
and it worked for a little while
but hiding became harder and harder....
you began to notice and every time you looked at me I could see it quietly breaking you
I really didn't want it to
for me to be the reason of that look
but I just didn't love you....

I'm so sorry....
I'm sorry that I was not the daughter you wanted
the daughter you hoped to have
but if you want the honest truth I tried....
I tried really really hard everyday to be someone you deserved.
You told me you loved me and I knew you did somehow
I just wished you showed it a little better
there was so much doubting in everything I did.... or do.
but I promise you I wanted to be that girl you had pictured in your head, secretly knowing I'd never fit your mold.
but I don't know what to do anymore....
I cried myself to sleep last night just like the night before
but then you ask why my eyes are puffy
it's not very attractive you say.
well, I'm sorry my hair didn't look good today
or that I wasn't home yesterday.
my every move is not okay
but I'll love you anyway....

bite your tongue little one....
don't tell anyone your secrets not even your mom.
hold everything in because that's what you do.
there's no such thing as crying yourself to sleep at night
that's just a myth told by a stranger one....
the shadows aren't real your imagining them.
nothing lays behind the dark curtains blocking your view
I guarantee that to you.
don't run away that is not what we do
I'm telling you there's a light inside of you.
sticks and stones could break my bones but you will never know it.
hide away those scary thoughts for they are not your own.

so you say I am not putting effort into us....
you accused me of being distant and heartless....
while I laid in bed praying you'd call me or text me.
I woke up every morning hoping to hear from you
anything from the simplest hey to the most meaningful good morning.
I would think about your eyes and how they were so blue.... how badly I wanted them to look at me.... truthfully.
I craved to know you
how you liked your coffee,
your favourite dessert
favourite season
anything.
anything to get me a glimpse of who you are.
but you shrugged me off
saying you were busy....
I respected that, I respected you.
until you said you loved me
it truly did break me....
you were such a good liar until those words slipped from you lips.
you did not love me,
you just loved yourself to much.

This went way to far....
before I knew it you were telling me you loved me
but I've been scared from the start.
you smiled when we called
laughed when I talked
you just seemed so happy....
I want to say I tried so hard
but the truth is I didn't.
I knew you were not who I wanted
but I led you on from the start.

I heard you finally found someone....
someone who can give you thing's I guess I never could,
even though I tried:
I'm so happy that your dreams came true like you always wanted
and I promise you I tried really hard to stay away....
but I needed to see for myself if everything was okay
there was always a fire in your eyes I pray it didn't go away
but as time flew away I wanted to make sure it was still there
from our glory day's.
I also wanted to apologize
It's all my fault anyway
because I know I will never find someone like you.

there were worlds in my eyes that no one else could see....
they called me a dreamer, the way I would imagine the world not as it's truly seen
I was anything but....
I was set apart
always running in circles as they all think it's so easy
but I was living in a non reality
my mind spoke to loud
they have no idea how everything is so hard.

all the cards were unfolding in my hands out of control
the lights were slowly going out as I dug my own grave but somehow you ended up falling in the hole.
I was the worst of all
but it's just so dark inside
please don't get to close
I'm trying to hide the truth
I need to let you go
I really didn't want to let you down
but there's such a beast inside  
I guess were all just made of greed

I wanted to tell you how sorry I was....
that I had to find you in this cruel world and break your heart.
all I want is to go back to the start
but nobody ever told me it would be this hard.
the words 'I love you' clogged my throat making it impossible for me to breath.
it is such a shame we had to part
but it was all because of my heart.
I wish we never said hello on that day not so long ago.
you really were lovely
you told me all your secrets
but we were running in circles forgetting who we really are.
if I could go back to the start.... I never would have broken your heart.

Almost....
death could not hold a torch to the word that lingers in my mind every second of every day.
we were almost something, and that almost will haunt me for the rest of my life.
I will think about how we almost kissed that night in the dark, drunk off ***** and each other.
how you almost held my hand when we were so close to each other in the back of that old chevy truck.
the almost, when you smiled at me,
when we looked at each other,
when every word held so much anticipation.
our almost will be my forever.

we were testing every limit we could get our hands on....
it was like we could not survive without chaos.
it was always us dancing in burning building,
threatening the lightning,
coasting that gray line between life and death.
you'd push and I'd pull....
we fought like cats and dogs.
we blamed the world for it's shallow trick's it played on us....
but we were already way off the deep end,
crashing through the surface of everything we wanted to be.

I wanted your finger running down my body,
touching places that sent shivers down my nerve endings.
I want to be destroyed by your mere touch....
knowing I could get nothing like this anyway else,
because you effect me in a way that no one else other than you can.
it's electric, it sends vibrations through my body.
I know you could wreck me with just a brush of you lips,
so why don't you?
I dare you....

words had maddened me....
the cobwebs hanging from the drafts of the only room where I felt at home but also as if I was completely losing my mind.
his invisible hands wrapping around my throat trying to choke me.
my hands were ****** with all the truths I could not tell him,
refusing to let escape my lips and make a noise.... but slowly they were sneaking through my hands, the words running down my lips to my finger tips.
the candle lit beside me was the only light left,
not being able to reach far enough to my soul to reignite it.
paper thrown everywhere, as my only listener....
but his imprints were on everything....
including me.

I couldn't help but smile when you talked, something contagious in your voice that sent bubbles through my stomach.
you didn't think you were attractive, and I guess I didn't think I was either....
but god, you had no idea.
everything about you was beautiful, from your hazel eyes to your red hair, every word you spoke was like honey, and I was getting more and more stuck every time we talked.
it didn't take me long before I knew....
I knew you were the one I wanted to fall asleep beside,
the one I wanted to hold hands with through life,
the one I wanted to tell my day too.
and all it took was your honeydew voice....

you had a gun,
there was blood everywhere,
but I couldn't run....
I saw the tears drowning in your eyes,
and I knew it was all a big mistake.
but you were the one holding the gun.
I didn't even hear it go off, but it did.
everything was supposed to be alright
you told me you had to do it.
and I believed you....

if all of the pieces fell into place could we make it through time and through space?
if everything aligned in the sky like we deserved, could it end up being you and I?
if not.... hold me one more time, tell me that in another universe there's a perfect you and I.
kiss me slowly like we have all the time in the world, like when we first fell in love.
I know all we did was try, but some would say it's better this way.
everything was gone in a blink of an eye.
and I guess it just wasn't mean to be you and I.
not in this life, it's not the right time....

I thought loving you would be like coming home....
or how it felt as a child to be carried into the house by your father when you were almost asleep in the car.
but I wasn't even close....
loving someone is like nothing else, I couldn't tell you anything in this world it is like.
but if I had to try to convey a fraction of what it feel's like, I'd say this.
Love is a war nobody will ever win, they will think they have but in the end nobody wins.
someone will always be burnt, fractured, bruised.
love always leaves scars.... on you or them or someone far in the back, someone who watched from the side lines wishing to be seen.
Love is a battlefield where nobody knows who's side their fighting for.
I used to think love was like coming home, but it's like going to war, blindfolded.

what if I never forget you....
what if ten years go by and I still remember how your upper lip twitched in that lop sided way when you were confused.
what if I meet someone new but all I see in them is missing pieces of you....
what if twenty years drag on and I'm still stuck on you.
how you smelt of pine and whiskey, tears and regrets.
what if every night when I lay in bed I wish you were there beside me, holding me, feeling your heart beat against mine.
what if life gets away from me and I miss out on everything I want, because you were most of it.
what if I'm on my death bed, aged with gray hair and tired skin, and my last thought is that I spent my whole life loving you, even when you didn't love me back.... even if you left?

everybody warns you about death....
how losing a loved one can destroy your life, ripe apart what you always knew to be reality and shake it out of control completely.
but nobody warns you what its like to morn the death of someone who is still alive, someone who still trapes the earth but has nothing to do with you.
they tell you how this person you love will be taken away, but gone to a better place.
but what about him?
what about the boy I loved more than the universe itself who's gone but just in my life?
and I the one who dies while he still gets the privilege to live?

I could tell right from the start there was much more to your heart,
for all those little things that made you smile.
I really didn't want to want you like I did.... (do)
but there were depths to you that were so beautiful I needed more,
I craved to know that side of you.... of one so pure.
but you should have saved yourself.
I wanted to know every secret you kept hidden away inside.
I wanted to know when you spoke what was going through your brilliant mind.
there was so much more than meets the eyes.
you always chose your words before you spoke.... just another reason you should have saved yourself.
I dove in without giving you a second to breathe, forgetting everything I wasn't and everything you were.
I could tell from the very start that I weighed heavy on your heart.
If only I had the strength to turn around,
or only you the strength to save yourself.
You were just so pure, not yet tainted by this world as I.
you knew of sorrow, but not yet have it break you.... until I.
really you should have saved yourself and find someone else.
but it was to late now....
to far in to turn around.
we let our feelings take control....
when you really should have been saving yourself....

the question of what I'm afraid of haunts me....
I will sometimes say the darkness, trying to play it off cool.
or maybe it's deep water, and what lays beneath the muggy depths.
I sometimes think it's fire, how powerful it could be, how quickly it could destroy everything just as you turn away.
I could always say it's weather, how the wind howls so creepily
the way the thunder shakes the earth.
there's a million different things I could say.
but truly if you want to know what keeps me up at night.
it's you....
I'll lay in bed and think about how one day you'll me gone.
how no matter how much I love you, it could never be enough.
I know I'm not the prettiest.
my hair maybe too brown.
I don't have a body like hers.
So I guess there's the truth.
I'm scared of losing you.

love is supposed to be late night phone calls.
going out for dates anywhere, it didn't matter where as long as you were with them.
cuddling and movies.
kisses and laughter.
baking together when your bored.
smiled and stolen glances.
love is supposed to be soft and calm, like you were living in some sort of fairytale.
but that was not our love.
our love was yelling and screaming, just to make up for a few hours.
our love was burning skin because we couldn't keep our hands off each other, mad or happy.
our love was engraving our names into each other
our love was some sort of claim, we happily destroyed each other with passion.
our love was crying my eyes out at 2 in the morning because you left, you threatened and you'd come back.
our love was lies and truths and everything we didn't need to experience at such a young age.
you'd look at me and I'd melt in place.
our love was not soft or beautiful....
it was a wrecking ball covered in fire, destroying everything in it's path.... even us.

"let someone in" their voice rang though my head.
flashbacks of how my soul died replayed over and over and over again through the fog of my memory.
they meant it so innocently, but he was so innocent when I let him in.
my arms were wide open, I told him to make himself comfortable when he entered the depths of my heart.
and god, did he.
his shoes were muddy but I didn't even notice, his smile distracting me.
he opened my books on the shelf of memories, leaving them scattered all over the place.... his smooth beautiful lies consuming my mind to a point where I didn't care what he did.
I let him trapse through my deepest secrets, my most intense thoughts, while he sat there and smiled saying how he loved me.
why did I have to believe him?
he laced his words with so much truth it made my head spin,
he was bringing parts of me alive that had died so many years ago and I thought he'd stay.... but I also thought he loved me.
but before I could even blink he had ran out the door.
the door which used to have a wall built around it with a lock.
a wall that he broke down, and lock he somehow managed to get through.  
he was a storm that had ripped through my whole being, leaving me even more damaged than before.
but it's okay.... I'll just 'let someone in' again.

Love is not soft life the movies, or even how your mom tells you as you fall asleep as a young child.
love pushes past all your limits not caring how much it will destroy you, love basks in your pain.
cupid is a cruel man, that evil bow of his stabbing and twisting deep inside you.... yet you welcome it, you want it to strike you, hoping it will let someone love you the way you think love is.
but it never does.... it's never the right one, or the right time.
anything and everything trying to stop you, well cupid laughs in your face.
your mother never tells you how loving someone who doesn't love you back will ******* destroy you.... there is nothing like it.
the nights you spend hoping that one day they'll look at you even just a little how you look at them.
you spend hours ripping yourself apart because they so easily make you feel like not enough, probably oblivious to all of it because they don't care, they never did, and never will.
so now you live though some small fragments of who you used to be, hoping that one day everything will go back to normal and you can forget them and what they did to you.
but love doesn't work like that, it's wired in a way where you'll never forget.
love scars so deep yet so easily.
before you can even exhale you've fallen so far down that it feel's like your going to suffocate.
love is not dancing in the clouds, or singing in the rain, it's not falling asleep in the arms of comfort.
it's stabbing, and wounds.... blood dripping from parts of yourself you didn't even know existed, it's crying and crying and crying because you aren't enough in the eyes of the person you worship.
it's drowning out yourself just to hear their voice.
it's becoming a shadow and distant reflection of who you used to be, with their initials engraved on the marrow of your hallowed out bones.  
love is not soft and beautiful like an early morning breeze.
it's so close to death, but you never really truly end the suffering and die.

Blue is how I feel about you....
Blue is how cold my blood runs whenever I think about you.
Blue and black is the colour of the sky and rain the night you told me you were leaving, the night you chose to not be with me.
Blue were your eyes that I so willingly drowned in.
Blue is now my only emotion.
when I think about you, my eyes flash with blue.... when the sky so bright and beautiful crowds over me.
Blue is how I die, remembering you.

I'm so sick of writing about pain, and how it's taking me over.
I wanna scream for everything to stop.
the pain and hurt and sickness.
curl myself up in a ball and forget what it was like to feel.... I just wanna stop feeling everything so deeply for just a second so I can start thinking clearly.
I'm somewhat convinced the darkness hates me, refusing to give me any sort of rest.
I've forgotten what the word sleep means.
nobody knows what happens behind that door after 11. the room slowly starts closing in on itself, leaving me such little room to breathe.
It reminds me of everything I've done wrong, everything I've lost.... you.
I've tried to tune it out.... refusing to let it get to me, but always.... it always found a way to rip me apart so silently, so meaninglessly.
no one would believe me even if I told them.
"how can the darkness be so cruel? go to sleep."
I can feel their voices clogging my lungs, everything they say is another stab to my already bleeding heart.
I will scream.... but nobody will hear my pleas for peace.

Passion is something that coats my skin.
It runs through my veins constantly.... knowing that this is it's home.
Passion is a feeling, a power, being alive at midnight because your mind can't shut off. every muscle in your brain always on memorizing unimportant details because that's what catches it's attention.
Passion is having no one match your energy, feeling like nothing is ever enough.
Passion and I are best friends.... always have been. we live for one another. knowing we'll never find a kindred soul.

you think you broke me into a thousand little pieces when you left. and to be truthfully honest you did, but how could I ever tell you that? you left without a second thought, not caring at all about how I felt, or what this would do to such a passionate feeling soul.
so I will never tell you.... that I have sworn to myself, like an oath. keeping secrets has gotten somewhat easier since you left, I don't have to lie to myself about how I thought you would stay, or that you truly loved me. I'd like to say it feels like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders but that would be a lie in itself.
somehow I feel empty, but a thousand pounds heavier since your departure.
It doesn't make sense, but nothing did with you.
so I guess I'll keep going, no other option. but I'll do it with a smile on my face (even if it's fake). always remembering that you have broken me but at least you will never know how much....

It's a shame really.... how much paper I've wasted on you.
how many time's I've sat in my room in the late hours of the night replaying everything you did to me.... everything we did to each other.
how I bleed on paper, pouring out the deepest corners of my soul to the only thing that will listen.
still it is a shame how I continue to waste words, paper and ink on you.... how I manifest great sentences to describe how you hurt me.
you don't deserve them, you truly don't deserve anything I've given you, but even after your gone I still manage to sacrifice pieces of myself for you.
I'll sit and waste hour's on something that's supposed to be beautiful.... but you made painful.  
I guess in a way, I hold a pen like you never held me....

Love is.... crying myself to sleep because all I can think about is you, but your probably thinking about her, because it's not me you want.... but what am I supposed to do? because that's what love is.
Love is.... begging the universe to let us be something more than we are, begging it to let us cross paths again because now we are older, less messy.
begging for it to give us that forever we so dearly deserved.
Love is.... standing in the pouring rain because you can't be happy without them, if their here dying your going to die right with them.
Love is.... walking around in a day dream when things are good but a nightmare when everything starts falling apart.
Love is.... staring up at the ceiling, numb at 3 am because they're confusing, telling you they love you, but their actions telling a whole different story. you can slowly feel them disconnecting.
you tried, you really did but your the only one who's constantly fighting for it to work.
Love is.... making up excuses for them because they really mean that much to you, they were just busy.... to tired to check their phone, we're working, maybe sick.
Love is.... killing parts of yourself so they can feel more alive. trying to fill voids left from long ago.
Love is.... letting your heart take over, having no control over who it picks. because in truthful honestly it wasn't supposed to be him.
Love is.... messy and sweet, it's screaming in your pillow in the middle of the night, it's honest and scary, full of hope. it's hot and cold, bitter and beautiful.
Love is.... a paradox full of twists and turns, lies and truths. it's opening yourself up to a stranger but feeling like you've known them your whole life.
Love is.... like coasting that line between life and death, never knowing the ending. if it's going to be the greatest or most tragic thing that's ever happened to you.
Love is.... letting someone hold a gun to your heart.... praying to god they don't shoot....

Like a drug I craved you.
I needed to feel your skin pressed against mine, it was a addiction I could not break.
the way your eyes would move over me made me wanna beg on my knees for you.
any part would do.... your mere attention fulfilled me.
I didn't read the warning label when I opened you and took a taste.
forgot that all medication has side affects.
but yours was more fatale.... more dangerous than anything I had ever experienced before.
you brought me to this line coasting between life and death, so close to falling, but I didn't care. how was I supposed to when it felt so good?
but I knew you were bad the minute I knew I may not be able to live without you.... finally realizing how I was beyond addicted while I was little to no meaning to you.
I knew you would leave, I had no doubt in my mind....
so why couldn't I spare myself the heartache and go first?
why did I stay and let you destroy me?

I couldn't tell you....
so I would lay in bed at night and dream that you were holding me, whispering endlessly in my ear about random nothings full of silent every things.
I couldn't tell you....
so I'd write about you, endlessly with meaningful rhythm.
making sure I get every thought in.... how you'd smile at me in the moonlight, trying to find words that expressed the way you'd laugh, or how your eyes would do that thing when you were confused.
I couldn't tell you....
so every time your name came up I felt an earth quake start to form in the middle of my chest. trying everything to disguise the pain that had rooted there from your absence.
I couldn't tell you....
so I let all these feelings take me over.... it wasn't supposed to be you, and I knew that. but what was I supposed to do? tell myself I was wrong?
so I did what any sane person would do....
locked away that aching pain to go out and pull you close, shoved the idea that you maybe feel the same so far down that it drowned in it's own hope eventually killing itself.
I couldn't tell you.... so I let it **** me.

so there's this boy....
his eyes are pool's of blue I'd so willingly drown in.
And when he smiles I just can't help but stare and smile too.
so there's this boy....
And let me tell you, I can see it all.
I can see how he'll look at me early in the morning when we first wake up, or how late at night he'll pull me close.
I see all the love that would be shared between us, the late movie night's and early breakfast's before work.
sometimes I feel like we could be holding an eternity of possibilities in our hands.
so there's this boy....
And you may not believe me but he's got a heart of gold.... it shines through everything he does.
how he talks to people, conversating like it's the best part of his day. it's in all the little things you wouldn't notice if you didn't truly look. but it's in everything he does.
so there's this boy....
And I can't seem to stop thinking about him.... and he probably doesn't even know.
but I'm telling you there's this boy and every time he comes to mind, I get a glimpse of what we truly could be.

I grip the stained pen....
trying to stay in between the lines.
my hands are shaking, palms sweaty.
pressing the metal ball down towards the crumpled paper, pressing and pressing but nothing comes out....
a tear falls from my cheek as the dry cartridge remind me of you.
stall notebooks lining my book shelf.
I need the ink to bleed from me as you did
but the words are gone since you left.

You broke me, but that is nothing new.... I knew you had the means to break me when we were almost something.... I had handed you my most prized possession.
I so effortlessly passed myself over, too naive to think about the consequences, or the fact that even though I love you, it didn't mean you loved me.....
I knew you broke me when I was sitting in a restaurant too exhausted to cook, breaking down at the table by myself while watching couples who could have been us laughing and eating.
I knew you broke me when I hated going to bed and staring up at that stupid dull white ceiling in silence, my mind going over everything I might have done wrong.
when sleep came I was finally at peace, but not for long....
I knew you broke me when every morning I dreaded getting up because it meant I had to do another day without you.
I knew you broke me when I hated myself, hated how I looked because maybe if I looked better you would have stayed and chosen me.
hated how I talked, maybe if i used a softer tone? or more stern? you wouldn't have chosen her?
maybe if my eyes were blue? or my hair blonde?
I knew you broke me when I was tearing myself apart because you left....
you broke me, but I already knew you would.

Its funny how I stare at this blank piece of paper.... and all I can think about is you.
but I see you in everything, so how is this any different?
maybe because we were never anything.... we were stolen glances, with quick intense touches, eye contact that made me feel dizzy, hands accidently touching and I thought my skin was gonna light on fire, everything was so intense.... it still is.
so why? why won't you just kiss me?
prove to me I'm not making this up.... I can't be.
but maybe it's like a dream, maybe it all feels so real but once you wake up you realize it was only you the whole time, making it all up.
I pray that's not the case.
I pray that you feel this crazy pull towards me as I feel to you.
I pray you feel the same, even just a little.

Deep in my heart I knew you'd leave.
I knew I wasn't good enough, even though I tried.
but I wanna know how you left so effortlessly?
I gave you my all.... so fully, leaving none of myself for me.
I rooted my self worth in you, if you loved me, I loved me. (but I would always love you more)
so how? how could you just leave without a second thought, knowing I loved you? knowing I would have given you the world  if you only would have asked?
you told me to jump and I asked how high.
even now, if you came back, I'd welcome you with open arms.
saying sorry for anything I did to make you leave. because I loved you. and I always will love you.
but I know you won't. you couldn't, you chose not to.
I was a space holder, no matter the lies you told me, the loved you pretended to share.
I was a mere page in your story, but you were my book....

I dreamt about you last night.... the kind of dream where everything is so real, everything makes so much sense.
The kind of dream where once you woke up you need to do everything in your power to prove it was real, someway or somehow.
you told me you loved me.... the words like sweet honey coming from your lips. I wrapped my arms around you and felt more at home than I had ever been in my life.
You smiled, it was right at me, and contagiously I fell for it and smiled right back.
your eyes were pools I was willingly drowning in.
It couldn't have been a dream? please say it wasn't....
you held me, I was happy.
but then I pinched myself, this beautiful world where you and I were what we were always supposed to be came crashing down before I even had the time to scream your name.
I need you.... god, I need you, I will always need you.

The fresh morning snow cast a sparkling glow over the quiet dawn.
The puffy clouds resembling my eyes full of tears.
The doves chose not to sing their sunny tune.
The world hushing to nothing more than a whisper.
The wind holding back it's hollow goodbye.  
The darkness watched, waiting to claim you as his own.
And the sun shone for the very last time.

I wanted to scream....
and
scream
and
scream....
I'm sorry! I'm sorry! god, I'm so sorry.
but I couldn't, I was choking, and crying.
silently dying.
every word I spoke killed, my touch shattering.
everything is my fault.
who is this person I have become?