what if I never forget you....
what if ten years go by and I still remember how your upper lip twitched in that lop sided way when you were confused.
what if I meet someone new but all I see in them is missing pieces of you....
what if twenty years drag on and I'm still stuck on you.
how you smelt of pine and whiskey, tears and regrets.
what if every night when I lay in bed I wish you were there beside me, holding me, feeling your heart beat against mine.
what if life gets away from me and I miss out on everything I want, because you were most of it.
what if I'm on my death bed, aged with gray hair and tired skin, and my last thought is that I spent my whole life loving you, even when you didn't love me back.... even if you left?

everybody warns you about death....
how losing a loved one can destroy your life, ripe apart what you always knew to be reality and shake it out of control completely.
but nobody warns you what its like to morn the death of someone who is still alive, someone who still trapes the earth but has nothing to do with you.
they tell you how this person you love will be taken away, but gone to a better place.
but what about him?
what about the boy I loved more than the universe itself who's gone but just in my life?
and I the one who dies while he still gets the privilege to live?

I could tell right from the start there was much more to your heart,
for all those little things that made you smile.
I really didn't want to want you like I did.... (do)
but there were depths to you that were so beautiful I needed more,
I craved to know that side of you.... of one so pure.
but you should have saved yourself.
I wanted to know every secret you kept hidden away inside.
I wanted to know when you spoke what was going through your brilliant mind.
there was so much more than meets the eyes.
you always chose your words before you spoke.... just another reason you should have saved yourself.
I dove in without giving you a second to breathe, forgetting everything I wasn't and everything you were.
I could tell from the very start that I weighed heavy on your heart.
If only I had the strength to turn around,
or only you the strength to save yourself.
You were just so pure, not yet tainted by this world as I.
you knew of sorrow, but not yet have it break you.... until I.
really you should have saved yourself and find someone else.
but it was to late now....
to far in to turn around.
we let our feelings take control....
when you really should have been saving yourself....

the question of what I'm afraid of haunts me....
I will sometimes say the darkness, trying to play it off cool.
or maybe it's deep water, and what lays beneath the muggy depths.
I sometimes think it's fire, how powerful it could be, how quickly it could destroy everything just as you turn away.
I could always say it's weather, how the wind howls so creepily
the way the thunder shakes the earth.
there's a million different things I could say.
but truly if you want to know what keeps me up at night.
it's you....
I'll lay in bed and think about how one day you'll me gone.
how no matter how much I love you, it could never be enough.
I know I'm not the prettiest.
my hair maybe too brown.
I don't have a body like hers.
So I guess there's the truth.
I'm scared of losing you.

love is supposed to be late night phone calls.
going out for dates anywhere, it didn't matter where as long as you were with them.
cuddling and movies.
kisses and laughter.
baking together when your bored.
smiled and stolen glances.
love is supposed to be soft and calm, like you were living in some sort of fairytale.
but that was not our love.
our love was yelling and screaming, just to make up for a few hours.
our love was burning skin because we couldn't keep our hands off each other, mad or happy.
our love was engraving our names into each other
our love was some sort of claim, we happily destroyed each other with passion.
our love was crying my eyes out at 2 in the morning because you left, you threatened and you'd come back.
our love was lies and truths and everything we didn't need to experience at such a young age.
you'd look at me and I'd melt in place.
our love was not soft or beautiful....
it was a wrecking ball covered in fire, destroying everything in it's path.... even us.

"let someone in" their voice rang though my head.
flashbacks of how my soul died replayed over and over and over again through the fog of my memory.
they meant it so innocently, but he was so innocent when I let him in.
my arms were wide open, I told him to make himself comfortable when he entered the depths of my heart.
and god, did he.
his shoes were muddy but I didn't even notice, his smile distracting me.
he opened my books on the shelf of memories, leaving them scattered all over the place.... his smooth beautiful lies consuming my mind to a point where I didn't care what he did.
I let him trapse through my deepest secrets, my most intense thoughts, while he sat there and smiled saying how he loved me.
why did I have to believe him?
he laced his words with so much truth it made my head spin,
he was bringing parts of me alive that had died so many years ago and I thought he'd stay.... but I also thought he loved me.
but before I could even blink he had ran out the door.
the door which used to have a wall built around it with a lock.
a wall that he broke down, and lock he somehow managed to get through.  
he was a storm that had ripped through my whole being, leaving me even more damaged than before.
but it's okay.... I'll just 'let someone in' again.

Love is not soft life the movies, or even how your mom tells you as you fall asleep as a young child.
love pushes past all your limits not caring how much it will destroy you, love basks in your pain.
cupid is a cruel man, that evil bow of his stabbing and twisting deep inside you.... yet you welcome it, you want it to strike you, hoping it will let someone love you the way you think love is.
but it never does.... it's never the right one, or the right time.
anything and everything trying to stop you, well cupid laughs in your face.
your mother never tells you how loving someone who doesn't love you back will ******* destroy you.... there is nothing like it.
the nights you spend hoping that one day they'll look at you even just a little how you look at them.
you spend hours ripping yourself apart because they so easily make you feel like not enough, probably oblivious to all of it because they don't care, they never did, and never will.
so now you live though some small fragments of who you used to be, hoping that one day everything will go back to normal and you can forget them and what they did to you.
but love doesn't work like that, it's wired in a way where you'll never forget.
love scars so deep yet so easily.
before you can even exhale you've fallen so far down that it feel's like your going to suffocate.
love is not dancing in the clouds, or singing in the rain, it's not falling asleep in the arms of comfort.
it's stabbing, and wounds.... blood dripping from parts of yourself you didn't even know existed, it's crying and crying and crying because you aren't enough in the eyes of the person you worship.
it's drowning out yourself just to hear their voice.
it's becoming a shadow and distant reflection of who you used to be, with their initials engraved on the marrow of your hallowed out bones.  
love is not soft and beautiful like an early morning breeze.
it's so close to death, but you never really truly end the suffering and die.