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Apr 4 · 388
Dark Water
CJ Apr 4
Still water run deep...
Dark water run deeper...
I see myself swimming in dark water...
Feb 5 · 431
It's that day again...
CJ Feb 5
I will not lie
Every year on this very day
the more I want to die
but is the voices that keep me alive

On this day
I'm expected to be happy
as everybody wishes me
But I've always felt empty

Nothing has changed
Every year is the same
From the silence in my room
to the noises in my brain

My wish for every year
will never be different
whether or not I could be happier
Then the previous birthday
Will I ever be happier on my birthday?
Am I selfish to just wish to be happy?
Dec 2019 · 168
Cracked Mirror
CJ Dec 2019
A glimpse of hope
black and white
a flash to the past
my hand reaching out
trying to choke
for what is known
to be the devil
but with all the strength
in these hands
I lost to courage
as in the cracked mirror
I see my hands
on my own neck...
I guess the devil was me all along...
Nov 2019 · 134
Ha. Ha. Ha.
CJ Nov 2019
Crying without tears
Laughing without Laughter
What if I
Cry with laughter
Laugh with tears
Ha. Ha. Ha.
Am I a Joker or a Joke?
Oct 2019 · 599
CJ Oct 2019
It's not insomnia but I skip sleep on regular nights.
I hear voices in the soulless nights…

Aren't you lonely?
Aren't you worthless?
Aren't you depressed?

I feel inferior.
I feel lonely.
I feel needy

But why do I always look happy but not feel it?
It’s empty in me, but why does it feel so heavy?
Sometimes I just hate my own presence...
Oct 2019 · 201
CJ Oct 2019
Tempted to pull the trigger
To the figure
In the mirror
Sep 2019 · 168
Hey depression...
CJ Sep 2019
Hey depression,

How have you been?
Feeling sad lately...

What are you up to?
Just lingering in someone...

Where are you now?
Just in someone close to you...

When are you leaving?
Maybe not for a long time...

Why are you in him?
Cause i like him...

Who are you actually in?

Jul 2019 · 201
Two person
CJ Jul 2019
It takes two person to love,
It also takes two person to break...
Breaking up is also mutual..
Jun 2019 · 190
Can you tell me?
CJ Jun 2019
When was the last time you cried?
... ...

Was it recent?
... ...

Do you want to talk about it?
... ...

Are you feeling better?
... ...

Should I stay by your side?
... ...

Should I leave you alone?
... ...

Can you tell me?
... ...
You are crying...can you tell me why?
Jun 2019 · 197
Ctrl Alt Del
CJ Jun 2019
I wish I could,
Scroll pass things I cant't bear to see
Mute voices I don't want to hear
Delete people I don't like
Escape reality into the dreams I've dreamt
Shut down whenever I want
Restart again from where I have faulted

All I had to do is Ctrl, Alt, Del
and all my problems will be solved
If only life was that simple
Jun 2019 · 173
I'm addicted to sadness
CJ Jun 2019
I look upon the dark sky,
when I'm alone
And in my own room,
Tears start to roll down

Not because I'm happy
Not because I'm sad
Not because I'm stressed
I just feel something is missing

I don't feel lonely
I don't feel depressed
But there's this feeling inside
That I cant seem to explain

I want to be sad
I want to feel lonely
I want to be depressed

I yearn the feeling of depression
I miss crying my heart out.
Now I really think,
I'm addicted to sadness…
Am I sick for being addicted?
Apr 2019 · 1.3k
CJ Apr 2019
I'm not alcoholic
I just want to feel love
From the people around me

I'm not alcoholic
I just want to forget
The depression trapped in me

I'm not alcoholic
I just want to feel happier
Just to temporarily remove the pain

I'm not addicted
It's just my solution...
I've never been addicted...
Apr 2019 · 771
A-lone & Alone
CJ Apr 2019
I'm A-lone: ( Read from top to bottom )

I am Alone.
But I know that,
I will be fine
I told myself
Someone would care.
If I was hurting.
It would be wrong to say that,
I have nobody.
Now I know
I've changed.

I'm Alone: ( Read from bottom to top )
Mar 2019 · 176
The most hurful
CJ Mar 2019
The most hurtful pain
is the one without expression.

The most hurtful loneliness
is that I still love you
Forgive me, I still can't forget you...
Feb 2019 · 219
I not We
CJ Feb 2019
We were
leaning on each others shoulder

We were
holding hands

We were
hugging tightly

If only I was included in the we....
My heart is aching from seeing both of them
I keep trying to injure myself to stop this pain......
Feb 2019 · 1.3k
The Forbidden Book
CJ Feb 2019
of unspoken sadness
hidden between each page

of loneliness
present after every line

full of desperation
only adding to the fire

of harsh insults
only repeated in each line

An unpublished book
only hidden among the
weak and innocent...
The only book, I would always read...
Feb 2019 · 161
Can I love again?
CJ Feb 2019
Can I love again?
only broken

Can I love again?
only lonely

Can I love again?
only unhappy

Will there be anyone who can replace
where you stood in my heart..
Will I ever love someone else as much as I loved you...
Feb 2019 · 231
It's too late
CJ Feb 2019
I didn't tell you
I like you
but it's too late

I didn't tell you
I miss you
but it's too late

I didn't tell you
I love you
but it's too late


Now you are in the arms of someone else and all I could do was watch my heart slowly break inside
Jan 2019 · 868
CJ Jan 2019
We shouldn't think we don't have wings
when we have wings that don't work.

When you're actually born with wings
that serves another purpose.
Jan 2019 · 161
CJ Jan 2019
She love him
I love her

If only I was him...
Dec 2018 · 824
Uncontrolled Feelings
CJ Dec 2018
Someone please control me,
from losing control,
of my uncontrolled feelings

Someone please control her,
from losing control,
of her uncontrolled feelings

Someone please control us,
from controlling each others,
uncontrolled feelings
I'm sorry...
Dec 2018 · 129
Imaginary Friend
CJ Dec 2018
Dear Imaginary friend,

Can I tell you a secret?

I am you... are me.
I'm a friend of myself....
Dec 2018 · 886
CJ Dec 2018
Just because you're not crying,
Doesn't mean you're not sad.
Just like how smiling,
Doesn't mean you're happy.

Cause at times, i just forget to smile or cry...
You will never see an expression the same way again...
Nov 2018 · 967
She's only a friend...
CJ Nov 2018
I like her.
But I keep telling myself
"She's only a friend."
As i see her in the eye
of my close friend.
Crush or best friend....
Nov 2018 · 322
I kept quiet
CJ Nov 2018
I kept quiet
Even though I love you
I stepped back
Watched you
And saw you smile...

I kept quiet
Even though he loved you
I sat away
As you got flirted on
And my heart slowly breaking...

I kept quiet
Even though he left you
I worried you
As you hurt yourself
And all I could do was watch...

I kept quiet
Even though you left him
I sat with you
As you smile again
But I know you are still hurting...
I blame myself for not ever having the courage to do something...
Nov 2018 · 144
I am a...
CJ Nov 2018
I am,

a sentence without a full stop,
a question without an answer,
a problem without a solution,
a person without a name,
a life without a goal,

Thats who I am.
I'm not important but I'm still here...
Oct 2018 · 4.6k
CJ Oct 2018
I have no injuries
but I always feel like I'm in pain

My mind is always clear
but I always feel like I have a headache

I'm breathing fine
but I always feel like I'm suffocating

Have I lost my touch?
or have I lost my sanity?
Please Tell me...
Sep 2018 · 243
Hidden in Me
CJ Sep 2018
Hidden in me
a significant other
only yearning to search for
a long lost lover

Hidden in me
a death's shadow
only hindering my success
in wherever I go

Hidden in me,
an enemy of my sanity...
Sep 2018 · 1.6k
CJ Sep 2018
My silence
My pause
My sigh
Has always been a sign
That I'm not fine

My stupidity
My insanity
My ignorance
Has always been the reason
Behind my resistance
Letting my insanity make the better of me...
CJ Aug 2018
Season of rain is here
but I don't feel a thing
maybe cause the rain has always been here
or is it just because its spring

They say after rain comes a rainbow
but I don't even see the sun
only wondering where it go
maybe I'm just the unlucky one

I don't see the sun's brightness
that resonate within me
but only the rain's darkness
that has always engulfed me

So I always ask myself,
has there always been a rainbow?
Jul 2018 · 199
The Boy & The Sheep
CJ Jul 2018
Are you the sheep in wolf's clothing?
Or are you the boy who cried wolf?

Are you soft on the inside?
Or are you alone on the outside?

Dressing as a wolf only to pretend you are strong,
but deep down inside you are only fragile

Lying to the face of each and everyone
but deep down inside you are only lonely  

What if I have always been both the sheep and the boy,
Who just want to be relevant and not annoy
Jun 2018 · 264
CJ Jun 2018
If I was a mute
would you have listened
to what I wanted to say

If I was a mute
would you have done
the things I wanted to do

If I was a mute
would you have said
the things I wanted to hear

But why do I feel like a mute
when I had spoken all along...
If only you had listened...
Jun 2018 · 580
Who am I?
CJ Jun 2018
In your eyes, who am I ?
A friend, a brother or just a passer-by

Is there someone you want me to replace?
Or im here just to fill up your empty space.

Im afraid, I will just be treated the same
As if this was a role playing game

I don't have the courage to confess
As im scared that you will not say 'yes'

Maybe I'm wrong, maybe I'm blinded
But I love you, and that's what I have decided
Jun 2018 · 226
CJ Jun 2018
When someone interrupts your silence
You feel irritated
But when they are finally gone
You feel devastated

You want her back
So you begged and plead
But end of the day
You're the only one who bled
Jun 2018 · 249
CJ Jun 2018
I feel unheard and unseen
Depressed and weak
Trying to grab on to hope
As I try to survive each week

I looked happy
Cheerful in everybody's eyes
But deep down is where
All my true feelings lies

Nobody knows me
As I keep everything inside
I want to let it free
But all I did was lied

What is wrong? Are you okay?
Is all they will ask
So all my life I have decided
To live behind a mask
Jun 2018 · 211
CJ Jun 2018
I want to scream
I want to cry
I just want to put a blade into my thigh

I want to buy a weapon
I wan to buy a gun
I just want to shoot the demon inside of everyone

I want to suicide
I want to feel pain
I just want to shoot the bullet right through my brain

Its a race
loneliness and depression
Who will get me
Hell or heaven

— The End —