the faults of your soul
make you only more loving
in my hindered eyes.

1.  i'm allergic to cats, and that doesn't mean anything to most people but i hope you understand why i included it.
2. i open fortune cookies with you in mind.
3. you are my worst kept secret. my therapist knows everything about you.
4. every inch of me, all that i am, secretes and exudes "accident." but you. you were so intentional to me.
5. you are a sunrise if i've ever seen one
6. i want to make you jealous. i want you to see my heart and wish it yours.
7. you make up every song i love, every poem i write, every picture i take and every reason i sleep at night.
8. i love the pauses you take between your words. i love that you know the weight of the poison that is human interaction.
9. i'm so sorry you ever had to learn the weight of the poison that is human interaction.
10. the mere idea of letting you see into my soul is petrifying and if you ever read this poem, please understand the strength and stupid it took me to let you.
11. i wish so badly to just lay shoulder by shoulder with you and wonder why the universe let me know you.
12. i hope you never understand the feeling of missing someone who just doesn't miss you.
13. i miss you.
14. it has been thirty days and i am doing better all the time.
15. but i still miss you.
16. but i have me, and for that, i am glad.

my body feels numb
in the absence of yours near
pressing against me

i want you to know
that your grotesque absence here
has not broken me

i think i have found
the best coping technique
and that is to--love.

im going to write
until the pain goes away
it hasnt worked yet

our fingers lace
in a vast depressing attempt to keep safe from yourself
i feel responsibility in the slits that take form in your psyche
i should learn how to stop
learn how to breathe
learn how to not
fantastic uncertainty for days unknown
does not equate misery by my shattering ribcage
please think of me again
remember my name and let me save you next time

the aspects of your conquests are undeniably disgusting in my eyes
you would’nt leave to save my life
eyes that dictate the choices of my hours
i cant breathe
an example for the ages of how not to be occupied
i pray your smiles widens and your troubles cease
dreams by which i have begun to fade away
ethereal sit ins are the only thing keeping you here
i do not remember my last true presence
please give me my worth back
i havent seen her in so long
artificial artistic answers and cheap perfume are my specialty
your silence overwhelms faster than your words ever did
tell me what to throw shame towards and i’ll syncopate our reasoning to be here
i am fearful for the future more than ive ever been
a life withholding your substance is a life unattainable
i wake in the morning cursing whatever kept me here
outliving you will be my greatest  misfortune
seeing you carried down churns my chest and conquers my calm
i will not live to see you go
friend

maybe one day
i won't have to talk you off a ledge
for you to say you love me.

starry starry night
dazed clouds with tomorrows intent
if you cannot find eyes that feel like your favorite work of art
and hands that hold the halt of every beating drum
keep looking
breath that feels like the likelihood of lovers never meeting again
legs that carry the weight of your worlds entire contentment
arms that welcome the most dreadful of sins
if you have not found
the shoulder on which you can forfit your deepest civil wars
keep searching
you will
i have

there is a war inside me,
begging for your condemnation,
begging for your ruthless sensation.
a war inside me,
that feeds on anticipation,
an invitation for your belittling generalizations,
or an explanation for my creation,
but no please, stay inside your own nation.
this is my civil war,
though civil is not the word i would use to describe
the words echoed in my mind
about my soul, my love, my kind.
i do not hear pride anymore.
my sense of worth escaped when you disregarded to close the door.
running free like the child i once felt inside my numb bones.
i own
nothing
but the cruel, few centimeters inside my skull.
and even those have been invaded by this cold.
i long for daybreak like hades longing for the return of his soul
but i feel no remorse
for the steady course
by which i have found my way
you say,
sit down be calm and wait for your prince,
but i see no prince
i wait only for the queen inside of me to awaken and find
the dragon that for three years has held captive my mind
is recoiling into the skin that it crawled out of.
this queen has not been praying for a handsome mate on a handsome steed
only the virtues and weapons that she may need
she is off
away
to find a happily ever anything
and perchance on the way she shall meet her "king."
or a crown.
or both.

you cannot fix
what wont let itself be broken
you are darling and you are daring but so much more than that
you are kind
my lord are you kind
endless in your extinguishing of the flames by which you were burnt
hell wouldve frozen over when you hurt someone that way
a child seeking shelter in the storm is not responsible for the care its given
selfless and hopeless in the sense of your heart being your own
you lend it out like library books
borrowed and scoffed and altogether ripped apart at the amusement of them
yet i will always await its return
i hope you see
you dont have to let yourself burn to light up a room
and you are not responsible for keeping others warm
take your heart into your own hands

you are not allowed
to wrangle my heart and call me yours
you are not allowed to catch my attention and walk right past
to flower your existence with the smallest of humanities and call yourself good
you are not allowed to cloak me in apologies draped over my eyes so that i may never see the evil my right hand is making
and you are most definitely
not allowed to occupy this dusty heart
and yet here we are

pursed lips and anxious tips
persisting in the wings
take heed to proceed
before this jarring animal sings
when i look in your eyes
i see comets merely grazing the earth
lonely bodies awaiting their demise
longing for the release of this curse
death to verbs and death to sand
death to me and to the fake flowers i received in your name
i hope i live long enough to understand you
before all that love goes to your shrinking mane.

i wish there were more ways to say that i found an oasis in the form of your touch
i wish i could count the pains that i carry like satchels everyday
strung off my shoulders
i wish i knew why i refused to let them fall
i wish gravity would just have its way with me
toss me aside and find a new giddy little thing to run this so called world
i wish i knew how to tell you that i want to be a bird
not because they can fly away from here
not because they grace their homes with bright colored feathers i could never adorn
but because they are hollow
they are hollowed out, weak, frail and somehow it makes them stronger
or perhaps i wish not to be hollow
but to filled with something other than you

there will never be any shortage of wanting for you
someone will always be there
one can only hope
in years to come
it won't be me

ships wrecked
concepts
disregardable formats and homeostasis
point to where your love lies.
don't tell me i cannot,
i only desire more to crush your expectations beneath the weight of my tap tap tapping keys.
don't tell me i should not,
i will go through my life in silence listening to your meaningless vowels, expressed only in an attempt to stop your head from aching.
hour nine of discontentment:
would you trade your inspiration for a grin?
what do you think of the gasoline and writers block taking form in my dispose?
correct me if i'm wrong but i think i love you.

my life is a draft
i am a draft
i was enlisted without my own permission
to a life of love and loathing and so much pain
youve caused me so much pain
"you treacherous
monstrous
lovely creature full of ache and sorrow
who hurt you?
who made you feel that the world couldnt give you anything but pain?
who destructed everything you thought you were
what are you?
what have you made yourself out to be for them?
have you found your colors yet?"
and she realized in that moment
that years of paleness has measured out to
perhaps she isnt void of anything

i all but beg any sort of humanity i've ever obtained to leave me in the sight of your vicious pupils
you make for a numbing of all senses but hurting
so much hurting
if i could roll my dice and luck be my lady
i would cast her aside to call you mine
how i wish to abrogate all knowledge of you from my psyche and be conquered by the storms you brought about
there is no explanation for the idiocy of letting myself believe i could be loved by you
but i suppose i owed it to myself to try.

love is driving so fast, stopping feels going backwards
down the interstate up the other side of a town our parents warned us about
love is counting days and losing track of nights because this is all i know
love is cutting up your favorite t shirt because sometimes the extra weight on your shoulders is just too much
love is the song on the album you never gave a chance because it just rubbed you the wrong way
love is saying that this time will be better
love is watching a receipt get stepped on and over but not putting it out of its misery because it is not your job
love is why
not how or when or who
love is why

if love is abandoning my writing because i don't know where all the pain went
perhaps this is love
if love is laying awake fighting the melatonin with methylfolate in your smile
perhaps this is love
if love is slamming doors and being unable to feel anything but you
perhaps this is love
if you could call redownloading the happy songs on my playlist and in my head "love"
perhaps you're right
i am too adolescental to know
all i know is that i have not felt passion like his touch since i can remember
he makes me numb and yet i feel everything at once
how dare he
he is the reason i lose sleep and my parents lose patience
how dare he
he is the reason i am allowing myself to feel things and not force poetry out like a dying fruit to the thirsty
but sometimes it flows on its own
how dare he
to bring my mind away from all ive ever known and all ive ever felt and refuse to call me his own
i have never wanted to be own
if love is the phrase "there's a first time for everything,"
perhaps this is love after all

i wander throughout
i see words without meaning
songs without feeling
and you
always you
a flooded drought of lovers unsaid
unasked for energy your disdain cannot reach
please tell me my voices are heard
stomping on the keys has not left me still unknown
i love you and i love you and i hate everything that comes with it
i see my future staring up at unobtainable boys
tired all the time
ive yet to stop loving
lord knows ive tried
what happens when i do?
what happens when you dont
welcome to the lowe

far too beautiful to be so **** kind
but we have yet to find his fatal flaws
far too intelligent to be so blind
but one cannot convict without a cause

painfully known to the gods of his art
slate cleaner than days untouched by mans greed
the love deep inside his mosaic heart
how chaste, the way he simply lets it lead

the one i need, held together by strings
of misfortune, tied only to the breeze
winds that feel as ice pressed to your neck in spring
a lover who builds and breaks with such ease

everything i want, only steps away
i did love you, just never that way

how awe inspiring
a love derived from love
a love derived from fear
everything i ever felt
has led me to this wretched "here"
pull my hair like you pull my heartstrings
im sure we'll do just fine
everything i have ever known about you
has made me want to call you "mine"
you are strong in more ways than one
a lover has not needed to commit such felonies as me
"well... that was fun"
and
"i cant believe how long that took you to see"
rattling keys doused in ivory peace
lovely lovely souls masked by a need to feel first at least
at last
i have longed for a day of fulfillment
yet today i am met with nothing but turmoil
this hellbound love does not feel heavensent
but this day is the day in which i refuse to recoil
i would not be the same without you
R

conventional ideation of where consent ends
and timbering begins.
intertwine your lips with my thoughts and call me friend,
your edging is the cruelest of all your sins
pull my contentment by the collar and let me know i’m still alive
****** my peace like a rug beneath my feet, begging for your intervention,
your blatant apathy is not furthering my goal to survive.

tampering with my unruly undecidable fate will result in your damnation
i am flowing with estrogen and auburn flames
shoot me with your attention?
and i will burn your name
you can not could not and will not control me longer
as quickly apparating as your fleeting joy
you do not own me
your vicious sneers and ripping of walls has only made me stronger
my little deaths are not your toy
i dont blame my wrath on your ruthless black magic
just as you cannot blame the sun for crashing into jupiter
nature has a way of making itself known

june 10

do not tell me i imagined the look in your eyes when i fell through
i could determine your hurt the moment i laid eyes on another
please do not tell me i am believing this deceiving love i cannot describe
believe me when i say
i only wish to read poems about the brush of our knees
only songs about the seconds that feel like hours when you look at me and laugh
like nothing else has mattered for centuries
i would love to see the painting to describe your horrible side comments
and your refusal to explain
a statue inspired by your love and my hope that it is me
god i hope its me
i hope it's me that creates your fullest grins and your deepest passions
i hope i can ground you and send you flying all at once
i hope that something in you sees something in me worthy of seeing
but if it does not
i hope she gives you sunrises breaking and autumn burning
i hope she tells you everything i ever thought
i hope she gets to kiss you outside of her fantasies and hold you outside of her wildest daydreams
she would be lucky
and i would not blame her for loving you

a smiling terrain
i hope you're happy
im taking myself back
begging my heart for a break has been far too incompleted
your grey walls and titanium windows have kept me down, haven't they?
your watermelon grin is fateless and faultless and i hope to God it never goes away
but when it does--remember to love?
thank you for hurting me and making me weaker
i definitely might've needed it
be joyful
i will be too!

he makes the world wait
for his beating whim
radiating the smell of artificial cherries and failure
your kindest words slit my throat like a knife
you are my closest beckoning risk
a testament neverending
he begs for no one but his love
his pain is wasted upon men screaming slurs and shouting hate
he’ll tattoo the lines on his wrist and vow to the masses
all is mind inside my well
take it back love
your complete contentment and absolute absolution
is too much for my weakening confidence in your wellbeing
simply free loving he says*
find the good behind my darkened eyes and i will reap all your sins
my dear sweet ever suffering risk

i will lay back and look up to see rock bottom
i will pretend it doesn't hurt to stay alive
i will be on time
i will not return myself to sender no matter how many times i address the envelope
i can't
i won't
i will pretend i feel the things i should
happiness to see my favorite heart
anger at the news
joy to eat what used to taste like anything
anxiety to look him in the eyes
and imagine the future i used to think id have
disgust at my dissection specimen
i will not wish to be lying there in its place
prodded
looking up to see rock bottom

call me intense but i have never been one to tiptoe down the side of a mountain
i am like fire to gasoline and you? my latest indie passion scene
a winters night in your sight the moment you let me go
i dont know how to say that you bring out the best in me
i dont know the vocab word for my tongue swelling up emotionally
i want to point to all the posters on my walls and tell you about all the ex lovers that never loved me and never loved this sanctuary half as much as i did
poems like this have always been glazed over and pained through
never thinking that i would need to compare thee to a summers day
because what kind of ******* is that?
you, by far, you are a sunrise, my dear.
you bring the awakening of spring and the deafening of me
you have the power of angels and the weakness of achilles
and so, you wait.
you make your presence known in colors burnt with embers of pain and disdain
like little birds that have yet to leave their nest
unaware of the hate that awaits the entrance of their lives
like a lover's dress, dipped in passion, spinning in endless nights of dazed contentment
synonyms and straining for the right way to say the same three words
i have never been one for fairy tales
but this is a year of firsts it seems

how dare you kiss me
as if there's something in me
worthy of wanting

i have never met one who makes my soul so willing to be wrung
she conquers all idea i had of "Peace"
demanding to be felt
requesting to be seen
i wish nothing but to lay between her legs and dreams of days yet to come
she is a ******* pipe dream
she does not know the consequences of her loving
and she does not care
that is why i adore her soul
look at me
look away
believe my lies and hope to God she never sees
she could destroy my very psyche
how ironic
she is a ******* thunderstorm
she creates the pit in my soul that will only be filled by dancing
through her rain
i will not run at the sounds of danger
i will not hide from my destiny
unless it is inside her clouds
her mouth
i will drown myself in her fears and bury myself beneath her seeking rain
i cannot stand this
i cannot stand her
i will kneel.

i am alone
for the millionth night
i do not know whose touch i crave
all i know is that i do not want what the cards being dealt
so i am alone once again
i ache for a place ive never been
a feeling ive yet to know
so i am alone
i do not know what it is im saving myself for
i dont know why the wars ive fought i wear on my chest like battle armor
"to win me," the voices say, "you must acknowledge every battle i have lost"
i am offered everything i ever wanted
and i turn it down
in exchange for everything i never thought i needed

floating it seems
above the cities and Merchants i so desperately Crave to ground through
i cannot faiL
only yOu who haVe conquerEd my doubt
i walk onward
without fear of what iS to come
the smell of popcorn and ridicule is ripe in the air
those who pray for mY failure have ascended my egOtistical ways
you will not touch me
as i stand Upon a rope so thinly cut you wonder of its existence altogether
i know below me lies too much strength to lose
too many lovers have let me fall and not enough saints have held my chariot
i feel too keen to be

tossing and turning as peter in a storm
dreaming of you as i lay awake
shades of zaffre and mist overcoming in the toll its taken
to drive my psyche to levels of strange
i go to seek a great thereafter
never before known to this realm of possibility
you attend my every dream
haunt my everwaking present
you are the reason i long for more
*******
she only holds so many attainable reasons
only so many dreams to be crushed and you have let her down
lover boy
he has bore too many names to ever play your games.

you cannot give me love
incapable am i of holding back
i am an ocean dammed
****** forever to feeling far too well or none at all
i taste a drop of embers and i become desperate
to set myself ablaze
to extend myself beyond paths of all i know
i want and need and crave your retched touch
your wrecking fate
tear me apart like wolves ravaged for fulfillment
i hope you learn that i do not love in halves
**** my aspirations
i only care for you.

i will not shrink myself down
i do not come in pocket sized
i am more than your heart desires
yet a  glass has never complained to overflow
i am everything or nothing
and to you
something in between
i am loud and i am violent and i am volatile
reaching for the stars that dissolve in my fingers
heaven has never felt so far
slim down diets are so in
reach your love to fit like chickpeas in your heartless ides
a growling stomach makes a pretty lady
i am pretty much a lady?

i dont know if i was ever intended to fall for the boy with carpet burn eyes and a short circuit smile
if something in me decided that your soul and my soul were encased in the same shrine to whatever pain we dedicate ourselves to today
if i am supposed to hang off of you like paint peeling from the nails of a girl with too many words left stirring in the bottom of her drink
i cannot be one of thousands it has never been my scene
independence means leaving before the rings turn to shackles turn to boats sailing toward your latest hope of peace
i have left my heart open and you climbed in through the window
desperately demanding that breaking and entering implies that there was something in me left to be broken by you

no one who feels so closely like heaven
has ever gone without a taste of hell.
dancing through the flames with no aggression
with a grin like yours, i see why they fell.

incomplete by anyones terms but yours
i feel the safest staring through your glass
a simple meter shaken to the core!

its getting colder by the hour
broken legs and broken hearts  stitched together by the ideation of "better"
tomorrow we will be better
look me in the eyes and kick me in the back
hold me and break me and make me feel the way you did
you do
you cant bear to end what youve started can you?
a ruthless endless hurt expressed by
he started it
i cant end it
humans beings are designed to hurt and hurt
it seems i am not the exception