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mc ish Jun 10
i am alone
for the millionth night
i do not know whose touch i crave
all i know is that i do not want what the cards being dealt
so i am alone once again
i ache for a place ive never been
a feeling ive yet to know
so i am alone
i do not know what it is im saving myself for
i dont know why the wars ive fought i wear on my chest like battle armor
"to win me," the voices say, "you must acknowledge every battle i have lost"
i am offered everything i ever wanted
and i turn it down
in exchange for everything i never thought i needed
mc ish Jun 10
do not tell me i imagined the look in your eyes when i fell through
i could determine your hurt the moment i laid eyes on another
please do not tell me i am believing this deceiving love i cannot describe
believe me when i say
i only wish to read poems about the brush of our knees
only songs about the seconds that feel like hours when you look at me and laugh
like nothing else has mattered for centuries
i would love to see the painting to describe your ******* side comments
and your refusal to explain
a statue inspired by your love and my hope that it is me
god i hope its me
i hope it's me that creates your fullest grins and your deepest passions
i hope i can ground you and send you flying all at once
i hope that something in you sees something in me worthy of seeing
but if it does not
i hope she gives you sunrises and autumn burning
i hope she tells you everything i ever thought
i hope she gets to kiss you outside of her fantasies and hold you outside of her wildest daydreams
she would be lucky
and i would not blame her for loving you
mc ish Jun 10
i all but beg any sort of humanity i've ever obtained to leave me in the sight of your vicious pupils
you make for a numbing of all senses but hurting
so much hurting
if i could roll my dice and luck be my lady
i would cast her aside to call you mine
how i wish to abrogate all knowledge of you from my psyche and be conquered by the storms you brought about
there is no explanation for the idiocy of letting myself believe i could be loved by you
but i suppose i owed it to myself to try.
mc ish Jun 10
i dont know if i was ever intended to fall for the boy with carpet burn eyes and a short circuit smile
if something in me decided that your soul and my soul were encased in the same shrine to whatever pain we dedicate ourselves to today
if i am supposed to hang off of you like paint peeling from the nails of a girl with too many words left stirring in the bottom of her drink
i cannot be one of thousands it has never been my scene
independence means leaving before the rings turn to shackles turn to boats sailing toward your latest hope of peace
i have left my heart open and you climbed in through the window
desperately demanding that breaking and entering implies that there was something in me left to be broken by you
mc ish Jun 10
call me intense but i have never been one to tiptoe down the side of a mountain
i am like fire to gasoline and you? my latest indie passion scene
a winters night in your sight the moment you let me go
i dont know how to say that you bring out the best in me
i dont know the vocab word for my tongue swelling up emotionally
i want to point to all the posters on my walls and tell you about all the ex lovers that never loved me and never loved this sanctuary half as much as i did
poems like this have always been glazed over and pained through
never thinking that i would need to compare thee to a summers day
because what kind of ******* is that?
you, by far, you are a sunrise, my dear.
you bring the awakening of spring and the deafening of me
you have the power of angels and the weakness of achilles
and so, you wait.
you make your presence known in colors burnt with embers of pain and disdain
like little birds that have yet to leave their nest
unaware of the hate that awaits the entrance of their lives
like a lover's dress, dipped in passion, spinning in endless nights of dazed contentment
synonyms and straining for the right way to say the same three words
i have never been one for fairy tales
but this is a year of firsts it seems
mc ish May 12
if love is abandoning my writing because i don't know where all the pain went
perhaps this is love
if love is laying awake fighting the melatonin with methylfolate in your smile
perhaps this is love
if love is slamming doors and being unable to feel anything but you
perhaps this is love
if you could call redownloading the happy songs on my playlist and in my head "love"
perhaps you're right
i am too adolescental to know
all i know is that i have not felt passion like his touch since i can remember
he makes me numb and yet i feel everything at once
how dare he
he is the reason i lose sleep and my parents lose patience
how dare he
he is the reason i am allowing myself to feel things and not force poetry out like a dying fruit to the thirsty
but sometimes it flows on its own
how dare he
to bring my mind away from all ive ever known and all ive ever felt and refuse to call me his own
i have never wanted to be own
if love is the phrase "there's a first time for everything,"
perhaps this is love after all
5/12/19 g. i hate that i've become this person but thank you for making me feel anything at all
mc ish Apr 3
you are not allowed
to wrangle my heart and call me yours
you are not allowed to catch my attention and walk right past
to flower your existence with the smallest of humanities and call yourself good
you are not allowed to cloak me in apologies draped over my eyes so that i may never see the evil my right hand is making
and you are most definitely
not allowed to occupy this dusty heart
and yet here we are
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