There is a building with many floors
Why am I in the basement?
There is a building full of light and colour,
With patios, gardens, expansive views and galleries to see the stars
Why am I in the basement?
What is it I nurse down there in that place?
What is it I can’t bare to leave alone?
Is it my pain?
It is my pain.
My wounded child is down there, my wounded heart
With such fear of the world that he dare not leave
And I can’t bear to leave him
Lest he cries out in pain
So I stay down there
In that dark place
Where life is not.
We together him and I
We ruminate in bitter company together
As life happens elsewhere
Is he me?
Am I him?
Is it a betrayal if for some moments I step into the light of day?
What would happen if I take him with me?
This pained child.
How would the sun meet his skin?
Might it heal him to be exposed to fresh air and the fragrance of day?
If I go might he follow?
Do I enable his misery by remaining with him in my faithful company?
Perhaps
Do I benefit him by sacrificing my life to care for him in that place?
Let’s at least try something else
Explore another floor… he can come if he wishes….

My fathers love ended up in a box, in a large cold room.
Strange you might think,
That the confectionaries in this dissapointing wooden container
Would be a relic of love to a small boy.
But there it was...
In that large cold room, in that large cold house,
In that large cold school,
Was this box.
And in this box was all sorts of sweets, crisps and so on
And that was what I had of my father.
The box was mysteriously called a "tuck box".
There were other boxes like it, lining the outside of this large room.
But this one was mine.

Each box had a small lock, some had stickers.
Mine had a sticker, neatly aligned in the rear left corner.
The room rarely had any visitors and aside from the boxes, it had a solitary ping-pong table.
There were no batts or *****, just a green table with a net sitting awkwardly in the centre of the echoey room.
If it could speak it would say "What the **** am I doing here"
and I think thats how we all felt... all us boys.
I had no wish to play table tennis.

I did wish for my fathers love though.
Before term he would take me to the shops.
I would be able to buy whatever sweets I liked, but I felt bad, like it must be costing him a lot of money... all those sweets that is...
Not the boarding school or plane journey away from home.

So armed with these sweets packed away in my bag,
I would get on a plane and go to that cold place,
Where this box of treats would remind me that my father wasn't there.
I would rarely share or trade my sweets with other boys.
It felt somehow disloyal to my father.
Like i was trading away his love for some small favour.
But really these trophies were too precious for me to give away.

So years later, I think my fathers love may somehow still be in that box.
In that cold lonely room.
The box is now in my parents attic, full of photos and other memories.
The tie my 'friends' signed on the day I left that school, almost 9 years later.
But I wonder how to reclaim the love locked in that box.
Or reclaim the heart of the lonely, sad boy who only had those sweets to reassure him.
That his father still loved him... wanted him... that even though he was a plane ride away from home...
He still had a home...
Which was...
Where did he live?
Where was his home?
Because it felt like he lived in that cold school,
Filled with the shouts of angry men and wild boys...
While his home was somewhere he no longer lived...
It was somewhere he went to for "holidays"!
In that far away country
Which was safe, and warm but somehow
No longer... home.


And all these years later the gap between me and my father remains
Questions hang in the air like icicles
Ready to fall...
Where were you,
For all those years?
Why didn't you come and get me?
How did you think i would survive without your presence as I grew up, without your love, your advice, your guidance
The safety of being at home...

Let me tell you I managed
I packed my pain away in that box.
And I survived.
I endured the passing of the years,
the bullying, fear, neglect, shame and embarrassment
I didn't so much find a way through. I found a way out.
to a place the world couldn't hurt me.
A place within where i can say **** the world. **** this place and
******* all.
And in that place i felt relatively safe
It was tolerably intolerably

But now as a man.
As i approach my fiftieth year
I can count the cost of this 'safety'
A cost in joy, a cost in love, a cost in family, a cost in life!
Because the part of me hidden in that box isn't living.
It's existing.
And life has needed more from me than I've had to give.
I have needed the colours locked away safely in that box.
I've needed the range of emotion only they could afford
I've needed the courage in there
The joy, the willingness to meet life
And I've not had these things to hand.
They have been locked away... safe
But unused.
As the years toiled on
And life has ebbed away.
I have survived
But not really lived

So here i am at this threshhold of my life
No longer satisfied with the half life of limited pallette.

and I choose life
Choose Colour
Choose expression
Choose Presence
Choose love
Choose pain
Choose tears
Choose loss
l Choose heartbreak.
And i want to let this messy path carry me forward
To a place I do not recognise
And to a life where I can find an experience which
Feel warm enough, safe enough, fun enough, alive enough, where I feel loved enough, where I love enough to dare to dance enough with life to dare to belong enough to call that place
home.

And let me tell you brothers and sisters I wish you to meet me there With your colour, with your joy, your heartbreak, your life and the wisdom trawled from the depths of your despair .
(let us share what we're learned  in a place
where we can join hands and find union in each others souls.
find home in each other
find belonging in each others arms , in each others hearts.
lets rise together, lets heal together, lets **** together and lets love together, walk together, cry together, dance together, marry together , win lose and, die together
we can walk together towards the dawn of our next life  as we part this one full
full of Love of lifes experience, with laughter lines etched across our faces as we tell the stories of our ancestors to our children children.
lets us dance live love and die in glorious presence together with life.
let us be , let us learn , let us live lets live lets draw on the ******* walls and wear our pants on our heads. Let's call ******* on ******* just live our glourds bueauitful lives together in messy harmony.
lets belong together lets home together
lets world together lets joy together
lets  sit together in a puddle of our own tears
and call that place home
where we love our life enough to be broken by its despair
as our blood and tears mix together and we become the earth beneath us.
become the air around us
the fire in our hearts
the love in our bones.

I would be a great artist
If only i could sit still,
If only i could give myself permission to stop,
To pause long enough to create
Without this rush
Without this never ending, unceasing drive
To be finished already
To be on to the next thing...
This feeling
That im already too late
For action
For life
For love
For now....
Im too late for now!
****
Stuck on this merry go round
Which is neither merry
Nor travelling towards any destination
Except my inevitable death...
I consume my life with things not done
With what I should be doing but am not...
In the minutie of banall tasks
While the joy, light and colour of my life remains unpainted.
Just melancoly ideas
On a canvas strewn with trivialities....
Maybe this is my life?
The sum of these random scrawls which somehow spells the shadow of the word "trauma".
I sit in a pool of my own dissatisfaction
Waiting for... for what?
For better days?
For salvation?
To be rescued?
As i push away those who may help...
Such a strange thing
Existance
Life
Hope....

Oh sweet pleasure,
Where have you gone?
Now that days are dark
And the tasks of the world are above me.
I can't see you through the mist.
My heart, covered as it is, feels you not.
Like being adrift in a vast ocean
Or alone in a confined space
I wait
For a truth which i know is out there...
The truth of knowing
Beyond doubt
That things will change,
That life will change,
And all I need do is wait
And my salvation will come
Like a ship on the horizon
Or a light of rising dawn
Which will
burn away the vapor.
I will see you once again my heart,
For now though
I rest in my unawareness
In my turmoil
In union with my grief
and the pain of life

Ive arrived in my home and its empty and cold
I feel like I'm empty and cold
I want to hear voices and laughter and footsteps
instead its just silent...
all I hear is the wind whistling through the window that doesn't close properly
The sea outside looks Cold and I don't feel safe.
I don't feel like I can feel "Home" here.
I don't even know what home is?

Maybe home is safety
Maybe home is love
Can you feel those things in a place where you haven't felt safe and where you love vanished.
So I'm here in my house just trying to be and not feel sacred and not feel alone
And to try to get on with my life and do the things I know that I need to/should do to function on this planet.
But I just want to hide, I just want to close the windows and close the curtains, curl up and never be seen again.
That's the energy of darkness.

So what do I do?
I'm sat in front of my computer and ...
I guess ill write a list...
Try and do something.
Maybe I should just try and bring a little kindness to this space of mine.
To myself!
Try and bring a little warmth into this space because no one else is going to be warming it up.
I guess I could put the heating on?
Create a bit of outer warmth
while I try and bring a little inner warmth...
And see if the day gets any easier.
I made some tea...

I wonder if I ask my heart to give me some kind of answer, what it will say?
"Weather the storm"
What does that mean?
It just means, don't worry, keep going...
The storm won't last forever.
Just put on a rain jacket
Stand on the deck and let the wind blow into my face and let the rain fall down on my waterproof Mac.
Know that I can feel cold and wet but that tomorrow maybe the sun will be out and the storm can't last forever.
So just keep keep facing into the wind.
Eyes front, head up
Keep steering the ship into the waves.

Tired of his pirates life
He flew off to the stars
And found joy
In the arms of a supernova.

So we made love and flew up into the sky
Where the clouds caressed our shimmering bodies and the stars welcomed us home.
There we stayed, resting...
In silent ecstasy as the universe pulsated with the heartbeat of every soul
Not a sound was heard
As celestial bodies moved in silent ancient accord...

"It is time," We said... at long last
"To return to that place from long ago
Where all is not as it should be
Where confusion holds
And fear abides."

"We must return there,
To walk amongst those who would know the truth
And tell them of the beauty behind the veil."

I am the shell
The empty vessel
Thoughts echo in my mind
You will discover me
Sat still,
Apparently peaceful
Or at work.
But i am not that
Not there...
For somewhere within
I am lost
Hidden or imprisoned
Trapped
Isolated
Fearful
I will not,
Cannot
Emerge
My emotional bandwidth so contsrained
I semi-live
Exist
Function
Waiting until it is safe enough to emerge
Pop the hatch
And live again...

My friends,
We try to stay safe through doing what is familiar
By avoiding those places of pain and discomfort within ourselves.
And we may stay safe...
Safe within the walls of our self constructed prison
Safe in our loneliness and isolation
Safe in the same old patterns which keep us narrow, small...
But safe.

And in this place we fear to open the unlocked door to our own liberation...
We fear to step out into the light
Because we know that to find our glorious presence
We must travel through some dark corridors in our minds
Through some fearful rooms within our soul.
Confront places of pain in our hearts
And release the tears which are trapped there.

Lean into the mystery
my friends.
Lean into the discomfort...
It may be that there is a force there to support you
That you will remain buoyant as the winds of life flows past around and through you.

But it may be that as you lean... you fall....

You may fall into the abyss of mystery and unknowing.
Fall into a new and unknown space,
Where you do not know who you are
Or what to do next...
And in that dark obscured space you must feel you way forward with your heart,
Step into your wholeness and be guided by that deep ancient force with in you
Your old familiar ways will not work here.

What will you find there?
Deep in that space of mystery
That none may charter except for yourself
What new wonders will be uncovered?
What new gifts are waiting?
If we only have the courage to abide with our selves
If even for a moment?
How will you know unless you take a deep breath.
Still your mind
And lean forward into that Abyss...

Lean my friends and find out...

I grew up with these cliffs
the boundary of land and sea
where rock, exposed and naked
stands before the unforgiving elements
eroding each moment yet stable
a rock face, a solid, changing, evolution of nature
raw, unflinching, unapologetic.
holding a magic none can match.
the beauty of the inner form exposed
present, bold, unerring
Who are we that stand before them?
Do we bare out soul
And allow life to shape us into beautiful magical beings of grace?
Or do we brace against the winds of lifes changes
try to hide our nature, cling onto a redundant view of ourselves
and struggle to conceal our truths
Be more like cliff and rock,
Stable yet fluid. ever-present yet evolving
Embrace your decay, your lines your growth
Rejoice when a part of your psyche tumbles into the ocean
and you are exposed
In newness.
and vulnerability.

Strength is there.

Come to me
because I need you
I need your touch,
your care,
your support.
Speak to me in soft tones.
Tell me it will all be okay
in the end.
Reassure me
that I am okay,
that I will last,
prevail,
be whole and safe.
That my life is not a mess,
that I am doing well -
just that this is my path right now.
Tell me that it will not always be this hard,
that I will be happy again
when it is all over
or sooner even.
Touch me
Let me feel your love
Your heart
Your care and nurture
Your love.

Time weathered it 
Worn by salt and wind 
A testament to man and sea
And the sheer determination to survive.
Boats come in and out with the tides
Waves unrelenting...
Remember your roots
As the sea ravishes over rock.
There are few who stop to care,
But there is stillness to be found here

There is a magic in these misty cliffs
As the water crashes onto rockface
Sending turrets of spray into the air
And spiney fingers cascading down.
A race to reunite.
The ocean  moves...
A lobster *** buoy bobs up and down
The cliff erodes, ever so slowly

Seagulls sit on a cliff edge
perhaps resting, i do not know
A wave passes by
Teetering on the edge of explosion
I do not see it break as it passes out of view.
The surging ocean delights me
Dancing over rock
Having no care for destruction
Safety or form
It moves as it must
As it sees fit
Taking the best and only path.
Accepting its new form
in each moment
Giving life, Taking life
It cares not.
It must only move and this it knows 
You are welcome, but beware

Oh there is a ball in my stomach
a tight knot of anxious confusion.
It circulates and undulates
dilates and twists
throbs
grows...
absorbing my life's energy.

"Let it free and watch it"

It emerges from my stomach...
the twisting blue-black mass
convoluting, churning
in the space in front
…and in a moment it dissolves…

My mind is clear
the rain falls gently outside
almost like snow...
Moving with the gentle breeze...
What power in coming into awareness,
Into relationship with
those things which pain me.

Last night for just a few moments
I could feel my heart.
It was a shock
To feel so
Whole

Like the monochrome
Became
Colour
And
Just for
Those few

Moments

I
Felt

Life

Under the bridge it flowed
That thing called his life
His dreams
His goals
His precious time
Life force and joy.
He stood on that bridge and watched...
Life like a game of poo sticks
Wondering at what point the moment would arise when he would engage
Engage in a meaningful way
Make contact
Connect

But the bridge seemed so....
Well it seemed to be the most sensible place to be.
Dry
Safe
Warm enough...
And yet
All he did was watch
As other sailed by
He was not satisfied. He lacked...

Yet there seemed like no obvious remedy
No clear path
No solution
Like a man wishing to eat a mango without getting sticky
Or wishing for a fine garden without getting soil beneath his finger nails.

Feel the earth my friend
Let it paint a picture in your soul
Let something take root deep within
And give it time to grow...
Let the process take time
A tree does not grow in a day or a week or a month.
You must keep this space safe and moist
Cared for and nurtured
So that over time. A plant may grow.
This plant will be your joy
Your heart
Your elixir for life
It will make you whole.

"You tower - me castle"
Said Tarzan to Jane.
Lets ******* collide
and let these prisons
fall to the ground.
What will be left
when those old worn structures
are lying in pieces on the earth
the relief of a stone returned to its source.

No longer suspended in mid air
Balanced and cemented in
by a strange cruel force of society
of institution,
of creating safety.

There is relief, and sadness, and letting go...
in this holy - unholy mess.
This twisted mass of rubble, rock, moss and wood.
These rocks should be lying on the ground.
Nestled into the earth
and connected to soil.
Let's make it so.

Lets tear the whole ******* lot down.
Those old prisons of boarding madness
Expose them for the toxic dens they are
and set others free to rediscover their colour
the flower of their youth.

Paused...
a hiatus, a break,
suspended
for this day...
when I both don't know what to do
and feel that I should do nothing...
at all...
Its nice to stop
if even for a day
to rest
reconfigure
refresh
something inside seeks stillness

Cancelled
For being too keen
For saying
I like you
Too loudly
It seems a shame
But then...
Maybe I was a little full on...
Like maybe what was heard was
"I need you!"
Not "I like you"
So maybe what i was actually saying was
"Save me,
From my lonliness!"
"Complete me,
Let me hang off your brilliance
and raise me from my inadequacy"
Which to be fair is kind of creepy
And well not who I want to be anyway...
So if I wasn't cancelled by someone for being like that...
If that vibe floated their boat
I'd probably have to cancel.them anyway.
So the final score
One all.

My friend i hear you
i know that you are struggling
And i hear that you need something
Maybe you feel like you need someone?
But i am here for you now.
i am here to tell you that you are strong
i would like you to know that within you is all that you need.
i would like to help you to find the stronger part of yourself
That person who is within you
Who knows how to weather the storm
Who knows how to sit with himself
And be whole
So sit with me now my friend and we will journey together to a safe place
Where you will find peace
And be at one.
Steady yourself and turn within
Can you find your breath?
Listen to it...
Feel it...
Embrace it...
And as you embrace it
Embrace the pain within you
Embrace it with your breath
With your wisest self
Your strongest bravest self
Who lies deep within you
Let this self grow
Let him wrap his arms around you
Your pain your sorrow
And let him be
Let him be there for you
Feel his touch
His presence
His warmth
His strength
Fall back into his arms
And surrender into his presence, his gentle strong embrace
And with your breath
Rest here with me
In this moment
Where the forces of nature swirl and collide
Where many things may exist
And you can be at peace

I call upon you who is good, to stand with me
I call upon you who is strong, to stand with me
I call upon you who is wise, to stand with me
Stand with me in pain
In turmoil
Witness my sorrow
My tears
My moments of breaking down

And hold me
Walk with me
Embrace me
So that I know and feel your strength.
Be whole and here with me
As I journey on

Let me say that things are strange,
I am a strange man in a strange world.
I am barely here,
A Wraith
Seen only in reflection
Moving in shadows
Seldom acknowledged
Yet sentient.
Are you there? Can you hear me?
My invisible form wishes to be seen.
My existence justified only by function.
"Love me...
Like me...
Hear me..."
I say without sound.
How can I manifest in this world?

Step into your warrior
Step into yourself
To face your mind you must be
Well positioned, adopting a stance worthy of battle
One may only fight from a place of presence
This place called "awareness"
It is the strongest, safest place available to you
Without it you are a naked person
Standing defenceless before a dragon
At its unlikely mercy.
If you embrace your being
Find presence within yourself
You will find and possess both strength and power (armour/resolve).
Possibility will be your friend.
You may find the footing you need
To survive and prevail.
If you do not possess your mind
If it possesses you, grips you with its icy claw of fear
Or consumes you in the red hot fire of rage
You will be immediately overwhelmed
Overtaken by this mighty force
So you must possess your mind
Embody it, own and inhabit it
Only then can you become its master
Wield your sword of mindful effort
And call yourself an Inner Warrior
"A Warrior of the Soul"

Encased in iron
How will I move?
My will is held.
"Save me from this fate
You who hear and can help.
Save me from this misery of non-being,
Non contact,
Non life..."

...I walk within
To the shadow lands...
What do I find?

"Shhhh, shhh go to sleep...
We will rip out your heart
And you will feel nothing.
Like a gloved hand you will feel nothing.
Numb to existence
You will be safe!
Encased
Inert
This will be my gift to you."

"But I do not want this gift!
The price is too high
What safety is this, free from life?
I do not choose it.
Perhaps some time ago it was chosen
But now not.
I wish for life,
For feeling and emotion
For contact and depth.
Yes, it is not safe
But it is life
And I wish for it

I have a new idea,
It's called...
"D O  A N Y T H I N G"
The concept is simple.
Any task is worthy.
Just do it.
Then do something else.
I will start it now....

****.
I'm locked in again
Not paralysed but stuck.
Not sure what to do.
Each task appears barbed
Like it will pierce my heart.
I could make a piece of jewellery
Write my story
Make an animation
Or tidy up?
Any would do...
But instead I sit here
Not sure how to proceed.
It's like the other things that I woudn't do
Stop me doing any of the other things that I could do.
D-E-C-I-D-E from the latin
"Decidere"
To cut off!
To seperate!

Okay, jewellery it is,
I will check the van...

Beings of light how shall I make this day?
Oblivion calls me
But i do not wish for it.
Can you free me from its grasp?
What ways shall I find that will spare me from it?
What can I do to sway its force?
Can you give me a sign?
Or a means?
That I might stay whole this day...

The westerly gale blows
Deep into my soul.
Lifting the slates
And rubbing the trees
Against the walls of my mind.
A seagull flies by
Against the undulating horizon,
Indelicately buffeted by the wind.
Every thing is in balance

I dance with her,
She moves through me,
Merging in movement, in spirit,
A creative offering.
On this land sacred for the Native Americans,
I recollect old memories, nature secrets

Wandering hither and thither,
Here and there,
What is it you seek?
What do you hope to find
Under the stones you upturn?
Have you found it yet?
Or anything that seems like it?

My question is simple....
What was it that gave you the thought
That you were looking in the right way?
In the right place?
Did you not just follow all the others
Who although not finding, were turning stones too?

I am a ghost
Do you see me?
I hide in the shadows
I fear you.
My essence is cold
The heart of steel.
Fear rages within me
Drawing me in with its astringent pull.
Fear is my home
I abide there
Like a shadow in the cupboard beneath the stairs
Long lost.
What hope is there
In dispair?
In the cold dead of night I wander
Feeling the kinship of the dark.
Slipping past trees and alleys I taste fragments of life,
A wrapper that once contained chocolate...
Or something sweet
They draw me to them and I inhale that which once was.
What is left for me
But the night?

Hello my friend
I am glad you are here
We have much to discuss!
I have missed you
While you were away
Wandering.
It is hard to be
When the spirit is elsewhere

I walk where I fear to tread
I bathe in the darkness
Surrender to its cold embrace
And find home in its arms

Will you follow me?
You, who lives in the sun
Who walks in joy
And relishes the dawn

We are One
Two sides of the same coin
Joined but facing away
United in experience

Bring your joy into the night
As I bring my calm to the day
We are One you and I
We bathe in the same pool

I left home
Aged 10
Put on a bus and away I went
Gone to oblivion
Into the void
Mum standing on the platform
Growing smaller as the bus drove away
Already gone.
Now a man, I return to that bus
Where that boy should have never been.
I take him in my arms
And hold him,
I will not let him go!
He can come home to me,
Stay with me in my home-heart.
We can be together, friends, brothers, partners, companions at arms.
You are safe now with me my boy!
I will not let you go.

Hello, my name is fear,
Can you hear me?
Hello, I am despair,
I have a message...
I am rage,
I wish to tell you something...
Are you listening?
If you listen carefully
I will whisper a secret to you
Which no one on this world knows.
But you must listen.
To do this, find stillness in yourself
Find the eye of the storm
Find the courage not to run
To distraction or pleasure
But to sit
Or stand
Or walk
Into the raging inferno of your being
With your eyes open,
Your heart open,
Full of curiosity!
And wonder...
"Who made this?"

Today I stood for a hour beneath a tree
The rain steadily falling
Cascading. Bouncing through the leaf canopy
Of golden ocher
Leaves fell
Rain fell
And I was at peace

Stillness that I have not felt for... Many months

I awake to a cool splash on my nose
It runs down my fave and I wipe it away
The forest sings to me
A gentle pitter patter melody
Leaves greet the earth
And I am still


A leaf lands on my arm

Holled up
locked
enclosed
I will not leave the house today.
Why?
as if you need to ask
why?
well,
it is
because.....
well ....
I have no answer.
Something may happen!
what you ask
something ,  that would be bad
So you are scared you ask
Yes I am scared
but scared is not the word
encased in fear would say it better
it sits in my stomach like a black ball
clouds my mind like a fog
the surf is good today. I could go to the beach
but it is outside
and something might happen

"Keep quiet because you might be seen,
Keep quiet because you may not be known!
Be quiet
Stay silent
Say nothing,
Or little as is safe.
Do nothing or you may be noticed.
Do nothing or you may be counted,
Exposed,
Lit by the spotlight of community.
Stay safe,
Stay hidden,
Above all do not rock the boat,
Neither yours or anothers.

Keep your head down
and remain."

This was my advice to you,
It worked.
Was it good advice?
Did you survive?
Are you not here surviving?

But where are you now?
Have you escaped that institution?
No.
You are still there.
Locked inside that prison tomb until death takes you on its sweet ride to freedom...
or not.

I am here now and so are you
I am the one which emerged,
You are the one who hid,
And remained hidden.
And continues to hide.
I do not much care for you,
And you are too scared to challenge my place in our life
And too scared to meet the world from which you hid.
Yet we together are not happy.

I am...
what is the word?
a shadow?
Relying on others fleeting glances to function.
Like a magicians illusion,
Aware that a true gaze will reveal me,
Undo me
And see you.

Who are you?
We do not know
Because...
You so rarely show yourself.
Scared,
Alone,
You seek solitude.
And so do not discover your self which  
May only be known through others.
Through the sword or pillow play of true interaction
Of vulnerability, conflict and loss.
Through life, adventure and the longing of the soul.
Like a rock falling from a cliff,
Leaving its home of a thousand thousand years
To emerge into a sunlit day
And be worn,
Tossed by the sea,
Ground,
Ground smooth by natures abrasion.
To reveal and polish
Those fossils,
Those relics of the past,
So that they may be beautifully displayed
Not hidden.
Showing its path through time and space.

Sat trying to process
This new world
Without my Nan

It looks the same
But it feels different
As if there is cotton in my ears

To my gran who I have just seen
Who is old
and can't remember things
Who is kind
and asks me the same questions
Who lies in bed
and drinks tea
Who has bought up
four children
And has seven
grand children
And seven
great grandchildren
It was so lovely
to see you.

We had a good chat;
You asked me
where I was going next
about a hundred times
And I loved answering
every time.
Australia.
We drank tea
And looked at photos.
I bought you a soft toy
And you liked him
"A sweet little fellow"
You said
"It's a shame He doesn't squeak"
You said
Squeezing him.
And you put him on your lap
While I showed you photos
Of your great grandson
And we laughed
About things.

When I left
we caught eyes
I said "bless you"
And bowed to you.
You said "take care of yourself"
And I saw you
And you saw me
And that is where we met.
In the eyes
And in the soul.
That is what I came for
What I hoped for
That moment
When we met.
I took your hand
And said
"it's been lovely to see you"
And then I left
Wanting To say more
Wanting to say thank you for everything
Thank you for knitting me the duck
When I was a boy
Thank you for being a pillar
In my life
That even though
I havn't seen you much
You've been so important
To me.
Just knowing you were there
Family.
Has helped me
To be strong.
I wanted to stay
and say goodbye
Just in case...
But I didn't
I got you a blanket
Because you looked cold
And I left
Because Stuart was waiting
In the car park
And I had a train to catch.
And I was worried it might disorientated you
Because we had had a lovely time together.
And I wanted to leave you happy.

I looked back
Through the ward window
D8
And you looked
so alone

And now I'm on the train
To Liverpool street
And I miss you
I think of you
Lying there
And I want to sit by you
And show you more pictures
And get you tea
And make sure your warm
And look after you
Because your so frail
And vulnerable
And I feel sad
Because
Well...grief!
The tragedy of life,
That we must part
From everyone.
But I'm happy too
Because
My bones
feel full
And my heart
feels Warm
And I feel my right
To stand up on this earth.
With a warm heart
And wet cheeks

Waiting on. The train to see you
Bored, **** coffee and a bacon roll
There is something hollow. Empty.
Like the Starbucks take out mug.
Of course I loved you, love you.
But we lived so far away.
Sweden, Ireland, Switzerland
And then when we were close
I was at my uninterested awkward years
When you don't want to visit your Gran
Now I see this precious woman
Whom I have not often seen.
She is old, frail, and may not know me
I am a man with a life and business.
Where do we connect?
In the bones? In the skin or in the eyes?
I'll show you photos, I hope you will be interested.
What do you say to an old woman
Who you barely know,
but has played a key role in your existence?
Who you feel a connection to like the  seabed between two islands.
But you know precious little about.
Eileen, yes that is your name.
You used to like Black Magic chocolates,
But apparently you don't these days.
Your hip is broken
But hopefully getting better.
And you knitted me a duck when I was small.
I was the youngest, thats why. People said.
You were my Nannie, my precious Gran
And I have come to give you some love and pay some respect.

I have traveled so far
And for so long
That none could conceive it possible.

My Journey of aeons and lifetimes
Has taken me through
Crystal palaces of exquisite splendor
Where I played with courtesans
The likes of which this world
Has never seen.

I have led armies into battle
Been slain and conquered a million times.

I have ridden ******* on mythical beasts
Exploring worlds of unimaginable beauty.
I've bathed in enchanted pools under cooling moonlight
And lived with the nymphs who dwell in those places.

I have dived to the depths of oceans
And fought with the mighty beasts
Who dwell in the deep.

I have explored the four corners of space,
Spent lifetimes in silent ecstasy
Breathing in and out with the stars.

I have fallen through the earth
And been held captive in the most cruel of places.
I have been cut and tormented,
Had my life ripped away
And been revived in places of daggers and pain.

I have been swept along in rivers of molten flame,
Burned until I could no longer recognize
Even my own body.
Fought, fought and fought,
Killed and been killed
Spending aeons in fear, rage and fury.

I have taken animal form,
Run with the wolves
And howled at the moon in the depths of night.

I have been killed a million, million times,
Loved and lost through bitter heart ache
As my love left me for another life
More times than I care to recall.

I have had Sons, Daughters,
Wives, Husbands, Harems.

I have lived through the greed of owning one million palaces
The hatred of murdering one million men
The love of devoting myself entirely to a precious few.

The self obsession of the inglorious "I".

Misery, torment, abandonment,
Fear, loneliness, isolation, grief... joy.
I have lived through them all
I have lived in them all!

There is not one place in this entire universe I have not visited,
Or one thing I have not owned...
And yet,
I stand here before you
Empty handed and alone.
An old man at the end of his travels,
Weary of adventure
And seeking peace...

A place to call home.

The road is not less traveled!
We play this mighty game of life and death
Never stopping to question
Or pause to think...

The question is not "When will it stop?".
The question is "When will we stop?".
When will we search for home?
Listen to that quiet, quiet voice
Which tells us to be still.
To awaken.
To see that,
From the highest palace,
To the deepest hell.
It has all been  - but a dream

We have been dreaming.

*Wake up my friends
and find peace.

The moth likes to hide,
He stays in the dark,
When it's light outside,
He'll blend with some bark.

Moth loves the light,
He may be obsessive.
When the sky is dark,
he can be possessive.

He flies through the night
With sensory perception,
His world is alight
Through the power of detection.

He is contained and discreet,
He doesn't like to be seen.
He's happiest when still
And abiding serene.

He's sensitive to touch
And easily hurt.
He's gloriously brown,
The colour of dirt.

He has no extra
Airs and graces
But you may not see him
Because you are too impatient

He is there,
Hidden, in magnificent ochre,
Obscured in plain sight
The moth playing poker.

Would you like to know this man
In the life mask?
He will tell you his truth,
You just need to ask.

"Go to your heart,
Don't speak from your head.
I heard that once
From a wise man" she said.

"Once I was shy
And I wanted to change,
So I was brave and spoke
And found my own voice again."

"So I like to be me,
I like to be honest and true
And live my own life
From a place of virtue."

"I stay in my heart
Or I try to at least!
I find there my faith
Finds its place to release."

"I learned to love " she said
"And live my life from this space,
I am here... right here,
And you can see my true face"

"And I will stay here" she said,
"I won't hide who I am
And if others don't like it
Well that speaks of them"

So she looked at me with
Her big, open eyes,
Which reflected to me
How I felt inside

And because she was there
And so honest and true,
It made me feel like
I could be too.

So I sat and spoke,
At how she had moved me
And how over the years
I have tried to redraw me

And we spoke and connected
And there was some magic there
And a softness inside
That was lovely to share.

So we finished our cake,
Hugged and walked in the air
And I wondered a little
If we'd be a pair?

If we'd discover something special
If we tried to learn together
Or if it's better to just enjoy
And not think of forever

Because meetings can be awesome
If you can let them go
And your life can be fuller
If you go with the flow.

So we parted... and met
And spoke a bit more,
About how magic can be
Just behind the door.

How life can be awesome
And full of holy mystery,
If you let your self be open
And guided by destiny.

So we parted - as friends,
Her heart felt like a feather;
Gentle and soft
But blown around by the weather

Perhaps we'll meet soon,
Perhaps not for a while
But it's been great to connect
If just with a smile.

This happy land of Diemens, dogs and bush-walks,
Creative flurries, chats over beer, spag bol and chocolate.
Van trip, scoot down the coast,
Wander along the beach.

Talk of this and that, laugh
And put the world to rights.
Thrash out ideas, share some thoughts,
Wonder if living could be easier?

Two friends who shared a trip to the Beach twenty years back take stock;

And find that from start they had more in common than they knew.
Now seperated by ten thousand miles, A thousand quid and two days flying,
They're closer than they were
sat facing front in that old escort van.

Another chapter ends
Or begins
Or begins and ends.

I awake and think of boarding,
My plane.
I hadn't realised how simple it was
To just be,
To just exist side by side
With an old friend who you connect with.

No need for the usual preambles
Just straight to the core.
Don't waste time, because 20 years fit badly into five days.
And What happens if you click cancel....

before the download has finished?

I'm so reluctant to leave.
These days have been so easy and fun and blessed.
Brotherhood is hard to find
And when will I return?

A red light shines through my window
And appears on the wall across the room.
It blinks yellow and moves as the people opposite
Reverse from their drive
And head off to work.

The daylight outside is growing,
The rumble in the air is not traffic
But waves breaking on the shore
About fifty meters away.

Soon I'll get up, make tea
And we'll all go for a walk.
Me, my frind Toby, Pablo the happy staffie
And Ava the lucky foster dog,
Wandering care free along the beach
as the waves break around our feet.

A plane flies overhead. *******.
Okay I know!
All things come to an end.
And this too shall pass.
It's just I haven't often wanted to stay this much.
It's so fun here,
And life outside can be a bit full on.

F
A
T
H
E
R
                       WHAT
           D
           O
           E
           S

THIS

                                                        ­  WORD

MEAN?



IT MEANS

           CHALLENGE

STRENGTH

                               C O N N E C T I O N
                                                       H
                                                       R
                                                       O
                                                       U
                                                       G
                                                       H

LOVE



                                       BUT
                                    NOT
                     ­            LIKE
                              MOTHERS
                      ­           LOVE
                          

                              ­                       DAD
                                                     LOVE
IS

            DIFFERENT



HARDER                                          ­TO

                                  SP
                        ­         OT

CONTAINED

                               C O N T
                                           A
                                    G     I
                                    N I N

HARDER

                                       LIKE
                                       A
                                       WALL


BUT THERE  N O N E  T H E  L E S S

like a flowing river

THAT LEADS TO THE SEA

         TO THE ANCESTORS

                   TO THE  S O U L

                            OF A MAN

Shrouded in mist you come for me
From the silence, from the cold.  
Waiting, watching has been your game.
Now you find me alone,
Hypnotised by the stillness,
Mesmerised by moments of sublime beauty as yet unseen.
I am helpless to resist.

What melody to find in silence,
What comfort in the earth!
Raindrops falling through trees echo through the forest.
A lone web hangs wet with dew.
A mushroom sits heavy with moisture on a tree stump.

The forest knows how to be in stillness
And make it's presence felt.

Struck was I
By the sudden thought
Of my fathers love!
Denied so long ago
But there
Re-found.
Like my nose;
Clearly presented
Yet somehow overlooked!
Right there
For the world to see
But
Unseen.

Like a letter not received
Or a cheque not cashed
Sat on the dresser
Unused
Disallowed
Latent
But still potent

Waiting
To be heard




Today
I heard
Listened
And the backlog of father love flowed, deluged
Re-hydrated
Affirmed

And I feel
Alive

As soon as the forest surrounds me I feel it;
Enclosed, safe.
The softness of nature envelops me.
The sound of my mind quietens
And the forest noises come alive.
Birds calling, droplets of rain pattering on leaves,
a click or a shuffle.
Leaves fall like snow
Softening the heart of the weary.
I dare not move
But with the forest exhale
And acknowledge myself as one amongst the trees.
Would that I could sink my limbs into the earth
And join this silent gathering
Change with the seasons
And know my place on the Earth.

He; inexhaustible yet exhausting,
Ruthlessly efficient yet demanding,
Hard working yet withholding,
Barbed
Yet deemed necessary.
Protecting that which
Long ago was made sacred;
The heart, the hearth, the home,
None may touch that hallowed ground.
Defence was needed
Safety paramount
And then...

The years passed...

This ninja warrior endured
Defended
Sliced, hacked, diverted, whirled in endless pirouettes
Of engaged battles
Of mesmerising movement
Of unrelenting actions
Of no consequence
For the mighty goal of protecting
That
Which
Was now all but forgotten.

So effective was his defence
Of the thing called 'home'
That it was hidden from all view
Forgotten
Beneath his whirling dexterity of projects and activities.

The years passed...

And there was no home.

Never did the warrior stop to question his task
That old old command.
He simply obeyed
As a warrior should
And continue
Until his death
To protect the property of his master

The result
a hollow, busy, lonely life,
Punctuated by exhaustion
And the question....
"What's missing? "

But so complete was his defense
So skillful his guard
That none saw what lay beneath.
Too mesmerised by his motions to see that
He was but a distraction
A diversion
From the question which would strike such fear into his masters heart
"What will happen if I stop?"

In your dinghy with your back turned
You sail away
I stand ashore, alone
Watching
You move slowly away, never turning

I see now that you are willing me
Willing me to shout "stop"
Willing me to beg you to turn
To say "please let's try just one more time"
But I do not.

I cannot
I am a child
A boy of ten watching his mother dissappear
As the coach pulls away
And takes him to oblivion

Powerless he felt
Bereft
With no
Hope
His soul
Abandoned on the platform

Now I watch my life
Through a veil of indifference
A passive malaise
Through with which I cannot engage
I am here but not fully amongst the living
I am the abdicated king

But I am shouting my love
only in another world
In another dimension seperAted from body
My soul cries out
And tears stream down my fAce
I am on my knees on the sand
Begging you to return

But you do not hear
You cannot hear

So I Watch my life, my love sail away
And wonder if I may ever love again
If I may ever find the strength
To connect with another
With my heart broken so

Do you want to sketch all your life
Or learn to paint a master piece?

Do we not sketch to learn, to develop, to grow?

So why do you still sketch?
What more do you hope to learn?
That people are vulnerable?
That you can hurt them?
That you can leave them?  

Are you not tired of sketching outlines?
Don't you long for tonal quality?
For careful composition and a considered pallet?

I know your secret!
That the canvas scares you, terrifies you even.
All that you will be revealed on that unforgiving scape.
That expanse of white which must be filled and not by charcoal and line.
You will be revealed, exposed and displayed for all to see.
You will be revealed in the shading,
In the sensitivity you give to light and to contrast.
Yes, you will be revealed...
But in it you will be filled in.  
You will have no freedom to remain as an outline of a man,
With all hidden in fine graphite lines and hastily hatched shadow.
You will have to mature as a man, as an artist of the soul
And set yourself free on a canvas with confidence and brush!
What a liberation!

Will the first canvas be a masterpiece?
In all likelihood no!
But it will be a beginning
And how can you consider yourself an artist if you never paint!
How many sunflowers did Van Gough paint? How many chapels?
Was he satisfied with any of them?
And was each of them worthwhile?

Paint my friend, take up your brush and paint.
Use colour boldly,
Reserve fear and reservation for other pursuits
Or better still leave them from your pallet altogether.
Be sensitive and subtle with your treatment of the subject,
frame her well, carefully
But be bold.

There is little point in holding back.
Do you want your canvas to scream, "Hesitation!"?
Paint or don't, but if you choose not to, declare it to the world!
Do not act like a painter, talk like a painter and look like a painter,
If you do not paint!
Declare "I like to sketch"
And sketch until you bear no longer to leave a subject unexplored in a monochromatic if artistic hiatus.
Be true, be bold, be clear and when you feel the time is right paint with the same honesty and boldness with which you sketched.
Then it will be a true training,
Not the pontification a of a trainee conjurer working above his station.
Complete your apprenticeship, graduate,
And step forth into the world.
Confident, upright, paint brush in hand.