This is selfish
And I know
I know
I always do
But that doesn't stop me
From self absorbed thoughts
Then panicking
When I notice
Then slicing open
My thighs
Bleeding out
My lies
It's such a vicious cycle
And it's only
The start
I won't say
That I'm not ashamed
Of the things I've done
Of the person
I've become
But I also can't say
That I didn't want this
That I didn't
Ask for this
Because I did
And I deserve it
I don't remember a time
When things weren't wrong
It's the subtleties
The little things
I looked up
On my first phone
The pinching
The picking
The restricting
I was only eleven then
I made friends
I shouldn't have
I opened my arms
To the whole world
And it rushed in
Too fast
I wasn't ready
I know that now
But I asked for it
And I can't change
The past
The first time
My mother told me
She was worried
I wondered why
I was always
The one who worried
The one who noticed
The anguished faces
Who pressed her ear
To the bathroom door
And heard the muttered
Conversations
About things
And how they go wrong
And always
It seemed
I was the heart of it all
So I was scared
I wanted to change
I haven't known a day
Without shame
In at least five years now
That's an awfully
Long time
To survive
In the wild
Menacing darkness
Just a child
A babe in the woods
How would you feel
If that babe knew
About the monsters
The creatures of the deep
All the bad things
That most people
Run from
And she took them
With a scream
That was me
I was lost
I still am
To some degree
There are scars
That will never fade
But it was all
For a rush
That highlight
Starstruck
Moonlit night
When I cried
For so long
Because I couldn't have him
Or her
Or them
Or anyone
In particular
And it all climaxed
Again and again
There doesn't seem
To be an end
Just more walls
In my twisting maze
Every time
I see a light
It turns out
It's just a phase
An illusion
A ghost
Of something I never had
Maybe if she hadn't died
Maybe if they'd never fought
Maybe if I'd been a
Better child
None of this
Would've happened
There must be
Another world
Where I find happiness
But that's not mine
That's not me
I'm the timeline
That everyone is glad
They don't belong to
I'm the mess
The perfect tragedy
My parents
What do they even
Think of me
I can imagine that
Hospital fees
Add up pretty quick
And with all that I've done
I'm not worth
What I cost
I'm just a mess
A disaster of a girl
I was never meant to be born
But he died
Instead
And here I am
Dying for the light
But unwilling
To venture out
I guess I'm
Sick and twisted
In a number of ways
But more than anything
I'm scared
And I'm not enough
I'm not skinny
Like I was
I can barely show
My face in public
I can't wear shorts
Except around the house
And I hate myself
So much
Most of the time
That dying often seems
Like the only answer
I'll never stop coming back to
So yeah
My depression
So big and ugly
I'm unable
To untangle
Its reflection from mine
We're so
Intertwined
I've been here for so long
It's grown around me
It's a dying tree
And I am dying with it