And in death we long for life....

Im so busy seeing your side that i forgot where mine is!

Im here.
The closest you can be to insanity without the diagnoses.

I think I'm tired of waiting for you.
You've had me on my tip-toes for months.
You push, push, push, Stop. Pull.
Your poetic bravado is vacant, admit it, you're dull.

The hunt and chase is part of your fun.
A domesticated kitten, if I play dead, you run.
You never let me get to where your fingers can't reach.
I'm not what you want, lessons you don't need to teach.

We've reached the final lines, one last emotional out pour.
I'll wear my game face, this is how it feels to want more...

Today, I sat under a blue sky.
I basked in glory, golden rays caressed my skin and greek gods danced upon the pages in front of me.

Today i made a decision.

A decision that was made long ago.
Long before I woke, before i was even gifted life.

A decision as old as time itself, one forged with the intensity of a black hole.

One that burns with the fire of a thousand suns.

One that has lived a thousand lives before, remembers the tastes of wisdom. Only faintly.

One that wishes to be all it was, all that is no longer.

One that wishes to see all these eyes can see before they close one last time.

A decision that states. That sings, declares, needs, exclaims, screams and begs of me.

A decision, quite and sure as steel: this is not enough.

I went to bed with flowers in my hands and woke up carressing a rifle.
My delusion of self can offer me no help, cause you've been twisting sides.
Making me fall in love with you, you're waging a war of lies.

Cold metal sooths open wounds, I never knew you could be this cruel.
fragments of the mirror stare back at the fragments that remain.
Theres nothing I can see that looks anything like me.

So' I'm wondering where I am and who you are?
and when this ever got this far?
I idolised you and now i despise everything you do.
I can't stop myself asking, am I falling out of love with you?

Out of my feet i made anchors, I sunk them into the depths of me.
Carved my name into the side of my weathered and bloodied flank.
Changed the bulb in my lighthouse mind, to guide my lost soul home.

When I was young I was told not to swallow seeds.
For a great tree would lay roots in my stomach and grow out my head.
boys were told to sow them, lay their wild oats.
I never read between the lines, never knew I was the field to be ploughed.

So on a cold winter's morning, you forced your seed deep inside me.
Its roots grew through my feet, parasitic branches curled around my mind.
Gorged on my sanity, ****** the self-worth from my bones.
In the desolate emptiness, hollow and alone, no flowers grow in this empty winter that has captured me.

Another pang of loneliness as i make one cup of tea.
Another uncomfortable smile from someone who isnt you.
Another rain song at my window pain.
Another blanket of melancholy to hold me under.
More tears fall on my drive to work.
Another 24 hours of fill the void with shapes that dont fit.

Another beautiful dream, one more hug. I watch you smile at someone else and I know.

Ill never stop falling in love with you.

Antibiotics may be the greatest discovery of human kind.
Lord knows its saved our soul many of times!
Its halo can be seen in a petri dish.
In the smiles of children on hospital wards.

But antibiotics aren't just drugs, or are you my drug?

Because your halo is keeping bad things away from me, my petri dish is clean!
Yet, the goodness is seeping from my bones and I get weaker with every day that I'm in love with you.

To my antibiotic, resistance is futile but finishing the course might **** me.

You crept upon me so slowly,
like a parasitic wasp you paralyze me.
Your growing maggots of nothingness made my stomach a home.
My soul a nutritious feast; my body a mindless drone.

I hear an hourglass shatter and time falls over my head.
Grains of sand sting like lead-weight reminders.
My time is fleeting.
Apathy comes to bed with me, protects me when loneliness bites.
Because life is out of the question when existence leaves you with 'mights'.

Turns out you were right!
You always liked to have the last word.


....I am too good for you...

The arrow of times says we must move forward,
                                                                Everything must end.
                                                                                 Order must become chaos!

There is to much of a good thing!
A good thing.
Good.

But you, you are simply perfect.

You are the lover that I never loved. A possessive, obsessive, controlling type. Your darkness wraps around my body, clawing at the scraps of hope I hold in clenched fists!
Monochromatic grey, your melancholy walls talk to me in my sleep.
The sand of time is carried on their breath, hourglasses shattered all over my skin!

My freedom cowers in the shadows of this cell, my dignity malnourished under the bed.
This isolation is more than I can stand, whilst the devil and god rage within my mind.
Waterfalls cascade down my face into oceans that lay at my feet.
Water levels rise, still salty tears can’t sterilize my eyes from the sins they’ve seen.

I pulled out my rib and carved a dove; through prison bars she flies…    Upon her return, my leaves of green, a letter in her mouth.
Paper with dotted lines and instructions to ‘fold here’
An origami boat of hope, with ores made from words of a friend.

In bold defiance, on the starboard side, words that shimmer in the sun.
Like a pool of water in the dessert or paracetamol to a headache.
I’ll hide in the decks made of paper and let the waves wash over me. Your walls crumble in a Tsunamis rage and my ‘Avoidance of Doubt’ shimmers on…

I'd like to take you on an adventure.
To a secret land known only by my eyes.
To climb trees that know only my hands.
To teach you to blow bubbles in the ocean of my heart.

I'll pull a blankly round us, we'll watch the sunset as the weaves crash over out feet.
You can swim in the ocean, a thousand stars will burn your beauty into my mind.
And I'll wait. With my toes buried in the sand and your shirt against my skin.
I'll wait.

For the sun will only rise when you come up, for your love is oxygen in this world.
Ill breathe you in and hold my breath.
For waiting for you is a pain of dazzling beauty.
And a comfort knowing you're still in the world, even if it's not mine.

Your heartbeat is my favourite sound.
I can't get the rytham of your breathing out of my head.

To be close enough to hear this song is is a dream.

I only wish I could hear it just once!

Rest assured that you are wanted.
At any given time and place.

Rest assured that yours is the only face that can soothe my soul.
Even if it is sick or sad or flawless and perfect.

Beauty is not a static state of seeing.
But more a fluid feeling that stays constant.

So, whatever you are is is exactly what I desire.
Whatever you look like is exactly what I want, need, long to see.

Always.

There is no day dark enough that my heart shall close.
No storm great enough to keep my head under water.
The collosoal tide of time must always nip at my heels.
But my legs will carry me until weight they can bare no more.
I expose my gashed soul to the world because internal infections are hardest to heal.
Flowing crimson red, my fragility, my weakness.
These i offer to you as lessons.
Lessons in my strength and the insidious power that i keep secret.
Behind my teeth, a blossoming garden of bullets dressed like flowers.
My hands, lashing, thorned vines, alluring beauty and a deadly mind!

I can't have you by my own admission.
You're bad for me.

Like a ****** addict, I'm desperate.

Every poem a frenzied attempt to restrain my tounge.

Because my words are associated now.

I like you = warning. I love you = run!

But I'm addicted to you. I'd give anything just to smell you on my skin.
To wait in your bed for you to come home.

There is a garden in my mind, where nothings' quite dead, nothings' quite alive.
Even on summers days, birds refuse to sing and the melancholy clouds refuse to blow away.
A glorious fountain that once shimmered with liquid gold, is as dry as the desert in August.
A laughter still travels on the wind, a relentless storm of memories still haunts me.

Loving you feels like the closest ill get to see the blue of a flame.

From the inside...

If a book can make you fall. In love with people who don't exist,

Why can't I when I love you as you wish?

You ask me why I'm reluctant to give you your shirt back.
I smile, "it's mine, I claim it!" I bury my face to hide reddening cheeks.
Truth be told, that shirt is evidence that you've been here before.
That shirt is proof that I found perfection.
Proof beyond doubt that I'm not dreaming.
So when you're gone, I'll smell you in the threads.
And in those threads there is hope.
Hope that my eternity has your name on!

... I've been here all along!
My atoms were there for the big bang.
Through black holes and galaxies.
A 7 billion year journey across the universe.

My atoms were made in the belly of a star.
A celestial being imploded so life was free to be.
Like a Phoenix rising from the ashes, that star would resurrect.
Like a bad time lapse on the BBC those elements I collect.

I've been here all along, here I'll always be!
But you have made me scared, time ticks to fast to see.
If there's no 4th dimension, I can't come back to you.
And If our last kiss has passed me by, eternity will cease to be.

Why do you want me to want you when you dont want me too?
Why do you need me when you dont want me to need you too?
Why do you make me love you when you know you'll never love me too?

I fear that I feel too deeply.
When I feel nothing, I feel it completely.

I feel it welling up again.
Like a darkness that lurks outside tightly closed eyes.
My hands cover my ears, but my hammering heart destroys the deafening silence.

Beat. Beat. Beat .

Anatomical. Like clock work.
No doubt that I'll survive.
But will I live while I still have time?
My mind feels like no friend if mine.

My reclamations lay in the corner: your old hoodie, a book, my memories  resting upon the shelf of youth, collecting dust.
I paw at them as if this was a game, as if I'm waiting in the jungle until someone rolls a 5 or an eight.  
As if jumangi was more than TV crews and cameras.
I drag my finger over the book, leather bound and gold laced pages.
I etch your name in the dust because it's sweeter than any childhood fantasy.
My pregnant mind bulges with a  love that's more fierce than a thousand fire-breathing dragons.
I created a cottage out of pieces of our history,  hidden memories lurk like dwarves.
I wrap myself inside your clothes, fragrance like poisoned Apple's, I breath you in.
I could dream of you for eternity as I accept my "sleeping death".

Dear ex, you used to tell me I was a liar.
The truth hit stop signs on the tip of my tounge.

Dear ex, i found someone who took my seeds that you starved.
And within the technicolour blooms that now florish.

I found truth.

The Only lie I ever told, was I love you!

Dear hope,
Sometimes I lay on the bed and I swear you give me the softest pillows, the warmest blankets, the most beautiful sleep.
I wake up some mornings and you’re the only thing that gets me out of bed, and sure I get mad when I burn my toast but, you give me half a loaf and say ‘hey, try again’
Some days I will grip your hand like a vulnerable child clings to his mother while they cross the road.
I will let you mother me when my mother is in hospital, I will let you father me because my father never showed me protection.
Some days I will let you whisper stories of how things will be into my ear like chocolate cascading down a waterfall in a shop I can’t afford to step in.
But lately being with you is like walking through a graveyard after the caretaker has gone home and the last leaf of autumn has fallen to wither and die.
These ghosts are following me, settling in the coffin that is my stomach. They leave their words on my lips for me to lick when I am starving.
I have a new friend now, He’s called lonely, he’s an ******* but he won’t disappoint me and it’s always cold where he takes me.
I need some consistency, with you Hope, you leave me empty, like I’ve already died but there’s a 60 year wait for a spot in the cemetery.

Dear perfection,

I've been meaning to write you for years.
But I've only known you four months,
Everyday becomes a week and every hour I get weaker.
I'm lost in the darkness of my mind, where your memories illuminate this maze of mine.
I pick up my pen to find the words that have me tounge tied, I'm just trying to say...

I love you.

My desperation is not discreet.
It sprays off my tongue every time we meet.
Like the octopus squirts ink to evade capture.
Inky I love you's flood from my mouth, a Tsunami of rapture.

Loving you is the ocean and desperation is decompression sickness.
Whenever I come up to breathe my head spins, nitrogen bubbles explode in place of butterflies.
Isolated on this lonely island, my clouded mind tears me asunder.
If I die a living death  you would be my beautiful, poetic blunder.

They say when you die you go to heaven.

As if Heaven is always a final destination.

When I'm with you I fear I'm already dead.

When I'm with you, I hope I am!

Is this what writers do?
Lure their readers to a false sense of security?

You know that I'm in love with you.
So you, with insincerity, play my heart strings like poetry.

Your contradictions spawn conflictions in my mind
your left, right means up, down.
Your hello means goodbye!

I love you means...

I can't find the silence, you've got me talking in my sleep
your brazen, media-vomited words burn my eyes at every turn
a facebook generation of mindless self-indulgence. You're herding us like sheep!

Your acceptance means...

Our bodies a £1 per kilogram, a friend request per ******* picture.
All of the reflections have glassed eyes for our souls have been reduced to stocks.
So many cracks in humanity, a group for every side, we don't know why were fighting. To far apart to see the divide.

Your acceptance means I love you.
I love you means you will never be good enough!

When i feel like im drowning, i feel like im home.
My fragile body, suspended animation, I swim like a stone.
Wobbling bubbles erupt from my mouth, conciousness dissolving in the sun.
Too quickly I'm loosing oxygen, the beauty sedates my urge to run.

A cold caress numbs me as the waves hold on to me tighter.
My thoughts stray from you, you'll drown with me, you blighter!
Fishes swim past, they carry the rainbow under scales that shimmer with stardust!
With an angels voice they sing a lullaby, slip into silent slumber I must!

Here we go again, my ball and chain pulling me away.
The ocean has swallowed the black sky, darkness calls to end my day.
Blurry faces scream above the water, Brushing fingers a grip they cant find.
There is no way back from this maze of mind!




Am i dreaming,  is this fantasy, this peaceful state wont fit my reality!

Fluorescent lights absorbing.
My glass cage surrounding.
Smart phones and silenced minds.
To strangers WiFi connection binds.
Likes substitutes compliments and comments conversation.
I turn myself inside out for empty validation.
Cyberspace is like a vacuum, they can't hear you scream.
Forced smiles, you lie and hide behind pixelated screens.

I was told perfection didn't exist;
until you proved me wrong.

Eternity is real, I go there when you're not here!