I don't know If I’m Having a Feeling
I don't have any emotions anymore
Or I am dreaming, while I am awake?
Is my mind exploring my feelings?

While seeking happiness in this 18 degree weather?
Baking a melodrama cake,
Pounding away my headaches,
Clearing the path, making way for better
Eggs, butter, flour, sugar and raisins

Raising the bar, with the baking powder
Of transferring my feeling into logic,
As it blend into a smooth non stanza
Poetic form of puppy love, clinching

and all that rises, rise in due degree
And is in everything we see and do.

When I am most confused,
I can feel a profound sense of happiness,
Within debilitating sadness.
It is the sublimation of emotions.

I see it
It's on their faces
All of 'em
This shadow
Like some sort of indifference
Built out of hurt and pain and loneliness
Like they're so tired of fighting that they just gave up
"This is reality" they say
Yea, I see it
Don't think you can fool me
And there's a lot I could say
You know, to them, to myself, or to God
A lot of words that attempt to heal
A lot of prayers that attempt to reveal
A lot of...wrestling...that attempts to understand the brokenness of our condition and how God fits into all of it
But lately I've only been able to think of one thing
One single question that wells up inside whenever I begin to feel overwhelmed by the comprehension of the depth to which you have sunk your teeth

How dare you?

I see her
She's laying it all before me
Her heart
Her emotions
All her past
All her brokenness
Her father who used to chase her all over the house
Call her all sorts of horrible names
Totally RUINING her sense of self worth!
And now, she doesn't know what to believe or what to say or how to say it or what to pray or what to do or what to choose or how to love or when to love or if to love at all and all I can say is

How dare you?
Are you not aware?

And I see him
He's caught up in himself
So misguided by the failures of those involved in his life that he built a wall TEN MILES THICK around his heart, locked it, swallowed the key and never looked back cuz he's so **** sure there's nothin' left to see and all I can say is

How dare you?
Do you not know?

Oh and I see him
Sitting right across from me all full of lies and blasphemy
The things he says only ever amounting to full blown hypocrisy
I see him
So full of anger, hatred and hurt that I don't even know where to begin
The web is so thick it's BLACK
And you say it's hopeless, and I feel helpless, and all I can say is

How dare you?
Can you not see?

Oh, and I FEEL it!
That voice!
Insipid and subtle
So confident and slithering and leaving no room for rebuttal
Give UP it says
You're not capable and they're not worth it!
Your faith is invalid cuz it contradicts all the others
Your heart is too filthy and your soul is too shredded!
You're gonna fail!  Because you always fail you failing, miserable failure!
And all I can say is

How dare you?
Do you not know?
Can you not see?
Are you not aware?

Get to tremblin', beast.
For we are the children of the living God.

I think about the day I was born.
I had a leg deformity due to a stupid *** nurse ******* up.
They gave my mom to choose between a lifetime of surgeries to correct them or break my newborn legs into place and hope for the best.
My mother choose none.
She put me in double diapers till she noticed my legs growing back to normal.
And for her, I am grateful she choose to ignore them.

I think about the day my dad left my mom and I.
He choose 5 minutes of *** with an already adulterous married person than to be with his loving wife and only child.
My mom before and even after the demise of their marriage, would still pick up my biological father from unknown locations.
Too drunk to even remember, he wonders how he got there and why his now ex wife and baby were in a strange unknown car with him.
Too dumb to remember the person he's sleeping with, they didn't even bother to look for him or even care to notice he was out.
Those moments that I've soon to know about, I acknowledge my mother's strength in all the chaos that was to come about.

I think about the day my mother, my aunt and I got assaulted right in front of our home.
The man had a large machete sticking towards my throat as he asks for my mother's car keys.
She throws them out and quickly grabs me and pushes my aunt into our apartment.
My mother calls the police as my aunt tries to comfort me.
I cry for my biological father.
My mother tucked me in and kisses me to sleep.
I learned that day to never depend on anyone for security but myself.

I think about the day we lost our home.
My mother and I were to be evicted from our first actual home because of a disgraceful woman who had been defrauding us.
We moved in with my uncle in a tiny room he spared us.
It seemed it would wonderful living there, as I saw my uncle as my father.
A new life came into the house and everything changed.
My mother and I were now felt to be confined in our room.
I witnessed a paper by mistake of some apartments for rent on his wife's desk.
Who else would this designated for? Obvious right?!
We were then forced to look for a home as soon as we even just moved in.
I learned that day that *** is more important than helping out your own flesh and blood.

I think about the day I decided to end my 6 year relationship.
The beginning was great until he saw his potential with others.
Secret messages and meet ups began happen behind my back.
Yet still, I forgave him after finding out this later on.
Of course he continued as I turn a blind eye.
The last first time of our day, I began to see his un-interest in me and our future together.
I began to unravel and truly see for the first time that history was and would be repeating itself.
I saw myself caring a child as he would be off drunk and being with adulterous women.  
Just as my mother.
Later found out, he had physically cheated on me.
On our last first day.
I learned to let go of what was hurting me emotionally, of what was to be my future and what was the future of my children to come.

I think about the day this person hurt me.
He was to be my savior.
He helped me through a nasty breakup and what emotions I had coming out of it.
He comforted me as I comforted him as well.
He listened to my secrets I never even told my past lover, not even my best friend.
I heard his dark secrets as well as we hanged out in a beautiful cold beach.
What was to be our place of solace.
Our place.
Things couldn't go on anymore for him with our complex relationship.
He ended it as while he ended my trust.
I began to feel things I thought you could never feel with someone you cared for deeply.
But it was too late.
He had said goodbye before I could even say thank you for at least being there for me when no one else would.
I learned that the person you are meant to be with is the one.
Your soulmate, your sun to your moon.
But it's just not the time or even the right moment in this current lifetime.

I think about the day I wanted to end my life.
I cleaned my room spotless. Cleaned the bathroom, the backyard, everything.
You get the gist.
I placed a note on my bookcase.
Each note was to be dispersed to an individual in whom I love deeply.
I wrote down information to all my accounts to everything I was connected to.
Instructions were even put in place to what to do with my body as well as my belongings.
I had a plan.
Everything was set.
I looked around my house for what was to be the last time.
Swallowing a container and preparing a knot, I glanced at my dog and the picture of my best friend.
He looked curiously at the knot I was preparing.
He cried of course, being the crybaby he is.
I sent a message to my best friend saying I love her and I'll be watching over you.
No reply back of course.
Life moves on.
I know she was busy working.
I got on a chair and wrapped the knot around my neck.
I breathed in and out as slowly as I could.
Preparing of what was to be my escape from all the pain.
I began to cry, thinking about my mom.
How devastated she would be.
She would have to witness my lifeless body hanging in the closet.
Cutting off the knot so viciously and giving herself every ounce of her strength to bring me back.
Knowing what I know about my mom, she would 100% join me soon after.
That is how much we love each other.
For we could not live without each other.
I felt a tug at the chair I was standing on.
My dog wouldn't stop trying to get on the chair with me.
He began to cry and of course wanting my attention.
I loosened the knot and throw away everything in such a rush.
I immediately made myself ***** as much as possible.
And then cleaned up, and hugged my dog.
Even though he hesitantly hates hugs, he willingly let me.
I learned that even though things seem tough, there will always be a shining light waiting for you. It just wasn't my time to go yet.

I think about the day I needed to do something with my life.
I finally and unwilling let go.
I went on a couple dates.
Finally meeting someone that loves me for me.
I thought of before how some people look for certain characteristics when looking for a potential partner.
At this point of my life, I don't care anymore.
I don't look for a a person with money, with a extravagant home, rich lifestyle or any of that mess.
He was nothing at all what I had expected to fall for.
He cares for me as I care for him deeply.
He wants a future with me as I just want a future with him as well.
He builds me up and I encourage him up towards our dreams, our hopes and our desire to be better people for each other in this ever growing world.
I know I have a purpose here on this earth.
I just gotta keep looking forward.
And hope it will continue this way until it is my time to go.

it's so strange how fear strikes
gently at first, like morphine
it dribbles through you, you bottom out.

and then when you are dry and cracked
it soaks into you like gasoline to driftwood
the sound of the birds become dull
and then you panic about your panic
because the birds see everything and you need them
when the wild beasts come
need them to listen, so you can sit still and hum--mmmmmm
dear forest, can you block the taste out of my mouth
block the sound of talk radio voices whirring through the channels
pineal staticky as a black hole, so you say
vacuum packed emotions cemented in nothing
compressed trash dumped into the same landfill
and suddenly your cup runeth over with the poisoned caviar
and you ignored that ******* caveat when you were young
the bed you make you lay in it, you dug your grave and then fought them
all the way in, i guess that deserves another personality pathology

words and pictures and angels that george carlin doesn't believe in
but i don't mind i still mostly agree with him
except quietly poking that thought to the back of my mind
to recirculate and well i don't want to forget it in too much time
but angels, there are some things you can't describe to people
that eventually make sense, and some that make you stop
before you start because, you have to see quezacoatl to believe it
and i understood after all those nights of john darnielle
soft voice meant to carry, snakes, destruction, and ripe plums

there are some little devils and some little angels
they don't need a medium, just an invitation
a little thought, blind intention, unconscious manifestation
and only then can they live
hocus pocus **** whatever,
illuminati is distraction,
these aren't legends they are presently presence
essence and breathlessness and aristocrat embezzlement
i'm not worried about the devil
i'm worried about the people who crouch to his level
leveraging him on their shoulders
parasitic loaner, bankers thirsty to sell us
everyone's just looking at miley cyrus
welcome to america, this is a ******* mess
i might overnight some toy blocks by UPS to congress
if they learn to count 1 2 3 but in millions
perhaps it'll dawn on them how much ******* debt we're in

so some nights i let the crackle overwhelm
and sink into the consciousness
and let the shadows prowl around
because pajama sam keeps demanding
not to be afraid of the dark now, for my art, for my heart
there's a world in there and sometimes you have to fall
to know what's life when you come up for air and see
this show is so debonair i can barely bare to read the latest
it's all so plasmatic, phlegm and smoke and paper
burning cities, smoke and mirrors, moving more paper
the only way to act outside the script is to stop acting
and it's the roughest road to choose
but it'll be worth it when you can actually rest in peace without dues
reality isn't real is it, blue collar is another word for slave isn't it
9 - 5 is another expression for consume, a check goes in a box
but we assume it's fair work for pay
we are each a stock, worth about as much as a tea bag
to a party of executives in hot water

and the man outside keeps screaming
something evil is hidden in the depths of the news page
slipping through slack fingered open mouthed people
somehow we're still clueless in the information age
we see it, we read it, we feel it, helpless
we sit in our desk chairs and wonder what next
and the devil sits in our ears whispering don't worry
i know what you're expecting of me
i'm coming, if that is what you all collectively believe

i turn to quezacoatl and all he will murmur
is
what are you going to do about it
the collective has power
waiting for a fateful hour like
a wave puffing up it's chest
oppressed does not mean suppressed
and politics are liar language
money is bluffing to keep us thinking we're nothing
once you've seen what hides in the dark
the light glows brighter in comparison
keeps you safe in the early hours of morning
when you listen

we are the change
we are absolutely everything

This year marks the fifth year that I've known you. I've loved you for four and a half years now. We met out of instinct and pure luck. You walked up to me that day and just randomly asked me to be your friend. I instantly felt my heart jump when you spoke. I tried to tell you what I already knew. That I'd love you and I'd never stop but you already made up both our minds. We became best friends. I can't even remember how it happened, it all went down so fast. The next thing I knew we walked together. I remember that I did it on purpose. I walked the longest way home so that I could spend more time with you. We were so young and all these emotions erupted. I fell. I was denying my feelings for days and on New Years when I looked outside the window and saw those fireworks I had my first daydream of kissing someone. Of kissing you. It was then I knew that I was so madly in love with you. I couldn't keep it hidden. Everyone knew. You knew. You teased me. Two or three times you asked me out and just passed it off as a joke. I didn't give up. You asked for real though. But you changed your mind. Not too long after you dated my friend. Courtesy of me. I wanted you to be happy. I thought she would do that for you. I loved you so much that I let you have what I thought you wanted. Her. It lasted under a month. It's my fault it ended. Or that's how it's always felt. Then we dated for a month. Without a hug, without a kiss and then one day it ended. You ended it. I remember being angry and absolutely devastated. You watched as I tore all the love poems I had written. I'm sorry I did that. I'm sorry I always tried to erase everything.  We never did stop being friends though. You told me you were going away that summer. I thought you meant forever. That summer was absolute hell. I remember sitting on my couch staring at the sky just crying. Just hurting. Wishing you'd come back for me. I cut for the first time. I don't know how it came to mind but I know I picked up that blade and I scratched and scratched at my shoulder until it stung. When we got back I thought I would survive. Move on with my life and put all my love away. Then you walked into the room. I cried. It was the first time I cried because I was happy. I had you and that's what I needed. We stayed friends but it didn't matter as long as you were there. I ached for you. Ached to say you were mine and that you loved me but it was too soon. We were too young. I was so nervous that first time you hugged me, I screamed. It use to tickle my heart. It made me smile though. Ear to ear. I did that every time until that day that you asked me out again. I ran to hug you screaming that I loved you. I couldn't stop giggling. I was so happy. I was yours again. I had a chance. Two days after that we kissed. I jumped back when I felt your tongue. It was our first kiss, ever. It was drizzling and when I jumped back you moved in and just kissed me and it was perfect. It was a dream come true. We kissed again once again a few days after. When we left you looked back at me and I looked back at you and I smiled. You didn't. I didn't see you again for a year. I heard from you once. You told me you loved me for the first time ever. You had forgiven my mistakes. You wanted me still and I still needed you. That call it came again and again and one day you just stopped. You had faded from my life again. I was in so much pain. I cut so much when you were away. When I saw you again. I couldn't do it anymore. I buried my feelings and tried to hate you. Your eyes still pierced me. I missed you but I wasn't be hurt anymore. You dated my friend. It hurt so bad. I just pretended. I threw out all the stuff from the years that I had known you. The outfit from our kiss. The hundreds and hundreds of poems. I threw away everything. I wanted to go. To run. I felt so alone. Nothing could make it go away. Then you and her ended and my soul felt such relief. I talked to a few months later. You kept apologizing.  We talked again. I laughed and I smiled. We talked about our miserable relationships. Then one day we were just both single and you told me your feelings were coming back. I got scared. I tried to change the subject. We met though. One day. It had been the first I had seen you without hate, without pain, with hope. With happy memories flooding back I met you. We talked awkwardly and then I kissed you. You were so confused and surprised. Then you kissed me. You asked me out. Here are. You proposing three months later. Us making love. Me, falling in love all over again and letting it happen. Letting myself become vulnerable for you because I always knew. It was always you. If we changed we changed together no matter the distance. If we broke we broke together. Our differences make things fun and controversial. It gives us a future to look towards. You and I want the same things. Each other. Marriage. Maybe a child. Happiness together. We have been through so much in our time together. Everything happened the way it did so we'd end up together the way we were suppose to be. I love you. I always will.

I’m clumsy.
I poured my heart into a cup with no bottom.
Let my soul
Fly into a bar-less cage.
Or maybe..
Maybe I’m wrong.
Maybe there were bars on that cage.
So many bars
I couldn’t tell the difference.
Not immediately.
At the beginning,
It all looked normal.
As normal as normal can look
From this perspective
This twisted
Backwards
Sideways
View.
So I went ahead.
And shared my story
Thinking it would be safe.
Then it was as if
I hadn’t said anything at all.
Like the spoon had holes,
The backpack didn’t zip,
There was a hole
In the atmosphere.
The information didn’t make a dent.
You didn’t care.
Or so I thought.
But now I see
It’s more like the opposite.
The box is sealed,
The book is closed,
The cage is a stronghold.
You took my words
My thoughts
My emotions.
Everything I told you.
And locked it away.
Hid it in the back of your mind.
Because
You’re just like me.
You’re afraid to confront it.
To think about it
To deal with it.
You’re afraid
Of caring too much.

When we are left with nothing, can we measure our happiness? are we really happy with the nothingness
we are laying with? is it really nothing? Or is it everything?

Happiness isn’t a measurement, it’s what defines our life, how we lived it and what principles we live by.
And the mix of emotions we carry is a blazing rift,
unpredictable like the things we see in our eyes.

Or what we see in our minds, the figment of imagination that helps us see or leaves us to stay blind. Something about the times, feels timeless or less exhausting than before. how can we open more doors if we need to feel more?

A silent heart stuck in a dimension unknown to reality, beyond comprehension, beyond nightmares and dreams;
A fantasy, concocted by the very same minds
that would not hesitate to disrupt out peace.
And if it remains silent, what do we feel?
Can we understand what is in front of us, is it real?
Is it something we believe, simply because we see,
or is it an enigma far beyond what we think is reality?

Because my reality seems to be everything to me,
but the imaginary seams are closing spaces between my fingers, where the imagery sings my favorite song. I just hope what is real decides to
sing along so that I can always understand.

I pray your reality is the manifestation of your wishes,
your desires; your dreams and everything that bliss is. I pray you find the answer to the eternal question,
one in which our heart finds no rest in succession.
And when you find it, let the world know dreams exist,
that this dimension is real if we truly so wish.

Let them know that what we search for, we are capable of discovering. Uncovering dreams, unveiling relief, reinvesting in beliefs that come when we no longer to the other cheek to doubt.
when we start to indulge in the things we cannot love without. And I hope that anything you are without, finds it’s way to you,
or stays far away from you. Whichever suits the sanctity of your soul.
I hope you know you are in control.

What is said of the harmony of when our pens meet,
for we have the power to create the definition of world peace.

we have the power to create a beneficial release, more than what they see, more than what they read,
it’s a feeling of planting a seed in spaces that need me, spaces that need you, spaces that need us.

The magic in words can destroy but they can also heal, and that process starts from the heart, from how we feel. If we unite our pens and the ink that flows our rhymes, we could bless this world with a cure for tears and create a dimension for infinite time.

And we will live forever. we will redeem ourselves in the presence of our legacy. dripping blessings like water that comes from the rain that will pour and water all that are parched for love, parched for wisdom, parched for hope. we will live forever through the love we inflicted on those that basked in it through our life and those that would soon understand it in our absence.

Yet hypocritical it shall be, as I know not of love,
I know not it’s touch or the bond of affection & trust.
I am a soul who knew not of such magic, so how can I talk about an unknown undefined love? How can I write about it when my yearning is tragic. How can I write about it when I never really had it? A broken heart tells many tales and not enough.

Yet I write about it and I live like it’s real to me. It’s my dignity. It’s setting me free to feel like I know how to touch. But maybe I just know how to heal.
perhaps not always myself, but they always tell me i helped them to know how to feel. I just hope I brought the right emotions to the center of their wheel, so that when they steer, they follow a path that resonates in the direction that shows them the way.

Your words bring comfort to my hallowed heart, and bring forth to me a hope within a shallow dark. Therein no longer are the whisper stars, yet even so far, perhaps their light may reach me. Perhaps it will illuminate again the emotions I believed in, and ignite the passion I once had to inspire, to write all my wishes, hopes, dreams and desires.May we continue this journey with our pens a flow, so this dream that we invented is something the world will know!

bury me into the ground.
i am lost, i cannot be found.
but if you happen to find me,
please return me to where i belong;
at the bottom of the deep blue sea.
i am
drowning
in
the
ocean
but
it's
not
the
water
that's
suffocating
me.
my emotions, so strong they're strangling me.
my thoughts, they terrify me.
i would rather live on my knees than die on my feet.
tie me to your car and drag me through the street.
make my skin bleed, tear my thighs.
this doesn't hurt at all, i feel sky high.
to destroy my emotions is to exploit my pain.
this is my release, i am not insane.
i am not insane.
i am not insane.
i am not insane.
i
am
not
insane
i
am
nothing
at
all.
     bury me anywhere
i dont care i dont care i dont care

i dont exist
i am not even imaginary
please dont insist
that i am extraordinary

just leave me alone
with my ocean;
my home.
let the liquid fill my lungs
as i float
float
float
i am weightless;
i am nothing.
never was something.
never want to be.
i am always drowning in the deep blue sea.

I like the type of boy
Who isn’t overly sure of himself
Who fakes his confidence
So he comes across bold and fearless
But secretly needs reassurance
Though he never asks for it
But he allows his nervousness
To show once in a while
I like the type of boy
Who holds onto things
Far too long
And can’t let go
Even when it has come time to
And even when he really wants to
I like the type of boy
Who isn’t afraid of emotion
And takes feelings like a man
Without treating them
Like something undesirable
I like the type of boy
Who would prefer to read
Rather than smoke ****
Who would choose to watch an old movie on a Saturday night
Over getting drunk at 2AM with a group of strangers
I like the type of boy
Who over thinks everything
I like the type of boy who gets jealous
‘cause it’s kind of cute
I like the type of boy who is passionate
Who has powerful emotions
Who never does anything halfway
Who means what he says
Who isn’t out spoken
But considers his words
And uses them well
Because he knows their value
I like the type of boy
Who yells when he is mad
Isn’t afraid to disagree with me
But is never unkind about it
Who is willing to listen
Who is willing to talk
I like the type of boy
Who will tell me I have a beautiful soul,
Not a beautiful face or body
I like the type of boy
Who calls me something deeper than pretty
Who doesn’t shower me in in meaningless compliments
But when he does
He means it
And he says something a little more original
Than calling me pretty
I like the type of boy
Who has a darker side
But doesn’t let it overpower him
Who can handle my darker side
But is one of the few people
Who can bring my out my brighter side
I like the type of boy
Who doesn’t mind when I act crazy
Who isn’t afraid to yell when he needs to let something out
And isn’t afraid to whisper either
I like the type of boy
Who messes up all the time, over and over again
Who has regrets
Who shows remorse
Who cares about stuff
And isn’t “too cool” to give a ****
I like the type of boy
Who uses proper grammar
Who is willing to tease me
And joke around with me
And make me laugh
I like the type of boy who isn’t afraid
To be afraid
I like the type of boy
Who likes the type of girl I am








…so basically the non-existent type of boy :P

Repost if you like the type of boy or girl that most usually wouldn't and comment, telling me the type of boy or girl you like.

Heavy the weight that one must carry when things start to come apart,

Emotions unbound a soul in sorrow the burdens of a troubled heart;

I will be your friend and while your heart mends I will share in your joys and sorrow,

And wait for that day when you finally say, things will be better tomorrow.

Maybe the way the curve of your spine fits into me is an indication
of how the earth meets the sea.
Frothing, frigid and free

Maybe the way our lips convene is an illustration
of a star being born
Colliding, rising, expanding
With every breath we whisper to each other
the wind caresses the mountains in such delicate manners

Maybe the way our eyes meet
searching for a long lost landmark
{Home at last,
or at least until tomorrow}
reveal the discovery of deeper mysteries
Cold, comforting, coalescent

Maybe the simplest brush of skin
brings earthquakes to our veins
Seeped with unspoken words
warmth and peril rolled in one

Maybe, just maybe, the first ****** between two lovers
is the modern tsunami,
a flood of pleasure, teeming with emotions and laughter

The rain that lulls us to sleep
is the same as the water that cascades down cracks and cliffs
Racing to meet her soulmate,
Salt water
Fresh water
Two hearts beat in solidarity
Melting one into the other
Tongue on tongue
Fingertip to fingertip

Maybe the way we started is the way we end,
with nothing but empty space and deafening silence.

And though,
Her scars healed,
they left rough,
tough,
scar tissue,
wear she was once weak,

And he ran his hands over them,
Kissed them,
And told me I reminded him of the trees,
The kind of tree's to beautiful to cut down,
or carve your name into.

And he told me how,
the Trees kept him rooted down,
and helped the wind wispier,
Mother natures secrets in his ear,

Telling him,
To tell me,
He was standing there
with the most beautiful Tree out there,
Among the all the Trees in the forest,
and he was too lucky,
to have me.

Thats when my tree bark arms,
went around his rope burnt neck,
and for the first time,
we both felt,
like our jungle of emotions,
was as calm as the forest the surrounded us,

I had the wrist like tree bark,
and he and the trees,
had tried to carry him,
with a badly tied rope.

My tree bark didn't let him hang.
the trees knew better,
he needed to stay rooted.

Dark Beauty
Smile Bright
Black jacket
Black jeans
Tight to curves
Dark as night
Black boots
Beach bunnies wear
Sleek brown hair
Smooth brown skin
A curve here
A curve there
As dark brows arch your face
As dark lashes arch back
From dark brown eyes
Telling hidden thoughts
Masking emotions
Smooth movements
Dark as shadows
That is you
All this darkness
I can't wait
For this night
To see the moon

I used to love my mother.
I wanted to be like her.
She was the person I looked at as an adult.
Today I no longer love her.
Today she is the cause of all my problems.
From my health problems, due to her drug use while she was pregnant,
To my mental problems, both hereditary and from situations she put me in.
My addiction problems, not only because she’s an addict but also from how she treated me.
My eating disorder, because she used to bully me about my weight.
I have problems making friends because she ****** me up so bad I don’t relate to people well.
I’m afraid of being alone with men because of how many times she left me with random men and every time I ended up getting hurt, from as young as 3 ******* years old.
I lost trust in the system because no matter how many times CPS was called she found a way to keep me and my brother, because she’s ****** her way out of every one of her arrests. Including but not limited to, possession of a controlled substance, driving without a license, prostitution, endangerment of a minor, petty larceny, and grand larceny.
I have authority problems because her parenting left me with no positive thoughts about authority.
I’m currently $1,263.21 in debt because she used me for drug money.
I don’t know how to handle my emotions healthily because for the first 16 years of my life I wasn’t even allowed to have them.
And even though she is also a victim of **** and ****** abuse she told me I was a liar and that she didn’t believe me when I told her her boyfriend’s son had been ****** me for years. She stayed with the man and told me it was a family decision about what to do about it.
She didn’t believe me when I told her her boyfriend felt me up while she was away taking care of her dying mother either.
I thought my abusive relationships were okay because she treated me the same way.
She’s why I was a closeted transboy for so ******* long. And when she finally found out I was screamed at me and told me I was a girl no matter what.
My mother.
My mother doesn’t deserve my love or my respect.
All my mother is today is a model of what not to do.

Passions I have a few
Questions I have many
Perceptions are in a constant flux

Emotions go on with out control
The heart space fluctuates
Physical motions do not reflect the interior

Goals I have no use for
Intentions change with the wind

All things I hold
All I that I have brought
Have fallen to the wayside

Persecution does nothing for me
No matter how I perceive my concept of growth
Someone finds a logical objection

**** your logic
I will not be swayed
Leave me to my

To this misconception

Depression:
It rips you apart
Skin by
skin,
Bone by
bone,
Cell by
cell.

It's the 2AM thoughts that never leave your mind. Mind. Constantly thinking, hesitating, deciding, wondering,
Why?
Why is my mind a grenade of
pain; anytime sadness seeps into my bones an explosion of emptiness evokes me.
Alone.
I am an enemy of my own being; the creator of my own
darkness.

Depression:
It's a canvas of negative emotions.
The smile engraved on your face.
The black hole in your chest.
The bruises on your knees.
The blood on your wrists.
The tears in your eyes.
The pain

Smoke gathers in the air,
Mixing with the fog of this dreery night.
Inhaling the chemicals I know will **** me,
but who cares, not me.

Alone with a bottle in my hand,
Taking another swig.
My tastebuds have gone numb.
But who's judging, not me.

Taking them inside to lay me down,
Never to see him again.
Emotions are no where to be seen.
But who's **** shaming, not me.

Vices are who we are.
Embracing them are a risk.
Monitoring my actions is obsene.
But who's changing, not me.

Sudden surge of countless unknown emotions

Rushing current of seemingly lonely waves

Swept my soul in an unstoppable motion

With my its core all crushed and impossible to save

I’m a few hours
and minutes
and seconds
away from adding a year
to my relatively irrelevant age
and I contemplate the complexities
of such a small number.

Nineteen.

Legally an adult,
but not nearly ready
to enter the world
on my own.

I cannot even fathom  
               braving the hallways of
               horrendous high school
or
               supporting myself and
               being on time for my insurance
               all while balancing a career

I’m stuck in the middle
of this whirlwind
of emotions and numbers
and candles and time
and homework and paychecks
and everything else
that comes with the titles of
student and teenager
and adult and employee.

It’s minutes before
I can blow out the candles
on eighteen
but I also extinguish another bit
of dependence.


*August 10, 2014
9:13:43 PM

they will smoke cheap, borrowed cigarettes.
they will drink cheap, borrowed *****.
and they will stay miles away.
and they will experience the most complex emotions.

writing small town songs,
dealing with cheating girls
              and
****** bags and godliness.

they will play at veteran bars.
they will play at festivals.
and they will flicker.
and they all will dissolve.

living at home with mom.
dealing with whiny girls
                and
******* and defense mechanisms.

Today I battle
my own negativity
the dark side of
my moon
glowing cold
in the sear
of burns
those little
inflamed live
scars receiving
the salt
of tears
that I gather
in opaque blue
and indigo-hues
in the privacy
of the soft spaces
in the drawers
of my heart
little aches
that grow
as the hours
get smaller
little quakes
on low
in emotions'
faded squalor
and as I plunge
over that
spiritual abyss
draw in my
knees, let the
winds brush
my lips
in a mocking
lovers'  kiss
and try to catch
that beating mass
as it bursts
right through
my chest,
in broken slips
of shattered
glass
I tell myself
in whispers
"No, warrioress!
This time
you will not
be destroyed"
and I fling
my heart,
so bruised
into the
burning,
golden
void

Essence of changing seasons
Layer by layer
What effect of falling dew drops?
Noise of silence
Calm between chirping birds
Feelings during tides of oceans
Beauty of falling flakes of snow
Grasping of fog and giving warmth feelings
Result of blossoming of flower
Feeling the emotions
While facing a wanted sudden situation
Is not it love of wisdom?

You wake up,
Ask me for something as simple as a glass of milk.
But as my duty as a younger sister,
Like a daughter being told to pick up her toys
I didn’t want to do what You asked me to.

You’re eyes were that of the constellations,
I didn’t understand them.
I knew You were trying to cry out to me,
Why didn’t i listen?

Sirens all around us.
The sound like a cicada, blaring on a summer night.
Why couldn’t I understand?
When will I ever understand?

Sometimes I sit awake in my bed,
Trying to fit all the pieces together.
The difficulty as intense as a 1000 piece puzzle.
No one could ever be in my place and
Maybe I don’t want them to.

Maybe I would be happier if I sat like those cows,
Out in the middle of the field.
No one to bother them, no one around to have
To explain their feelings to.

The friction between me and my emotions
Is like that of two opposing magnets.
They just wont quite come together,
But still I try to force them.

Sometimes I still think about that day.
And sometimes even accidentally wish I were back,
To be taken back to the time where you
Were still in that bed.

No one around.
Just me and just You.
No one around,
just Your body, at a slant.
Like the horizon, so far out of reach
But maybe id be happier that way.

The thought is almost jarring.
But my mind always wanders.
Like it should be put on a leash,
One of those harnesses.
Almost like the harness on a 5 year old
In Disney land.

How do You go from asking me a simple question, to being
G
O
N
E

"Like Wilted Roses, My Soul Is Torn/
From My Despair, My Emotions Lost!"
"Suddenly, Amidst These Lies, My Death I Can See/
My Dreams Slain, And Thus No Future Left For Me!"
"Engravings Of Love, Tarnished - Lie, All Day Long/
Once Trust - Now Fades, Forever, Like Desert's Dust!"
"All Those Plots, Before My Eyes, Now Flashes/
My Love, Where Once, Would Lust, Now Blown Away Like Leafs!"
"Mirrored Scythe Of Love, Bred The Roots Of Lie/
Blossoms In The Air, And All That Inhale's, Are Sure To Die!"

The soft petal-like wisps of romance mixed with a hushed musical score.
It swelled with recognition.  
The dawning feeling was of rightness.
And the place to fit was exacting.  
The rush of emotions surged.
And they broke with the excited gasps of the breath of realization.
I laughed.  
The thought of longing to find someone.
Someone to love lurked in my mind.  
It wasn’t a dream.  
It was now!
Life has brought me to this point and I laughed.
The sheer joy of attainment was here.  
I laughed with happiness because it was my joy.
It was my time.

cc2008

Our nights are seldom
sound
More restless  and
unsettled
Our Mind begins to ask
The bigger questions
of life

As a child
carefree
A day lasted
forever

As a youth
so anxious
To grow up

As a young adult
Restless
To be free of
Our parents
Control
to taste life
Through our own
eyes

Middle age
a bit of
fear
Enters our mind
Of what lies
ahead

Reminiscent Of dreams
Unrealized

We ponder
How old age Will
unfold

As our sprit grows
Meek and mild

Restless and wild
Looking through the eyes
Of a child
Walking slower now
Life means more

We prepare for
The next chapter
Of life old age
Life lessons as our gage
How will that play out

Will we live in pain
Lose our mind
Dementia,
slightly off our rocker
insane

How will our life end
In the arms of a loved ,a friend
Will we be ready
Or will we fear

Did we learn  our lessons
To grown in spirit
I know they say
the journey is
As important
as the destination

However will we ever truly
know our purpose
There are no random accidents
Every action has a reaction
And life’s movements
Ever changing
Emotions rearranging

We are not messured
by our good deeds
But by those who remember us
Relationships cultivated with
God greatest gift of
Love

What happens when an artist falls in love with another artist?

She felt as if she wasn’t in love with another artist, but rather, a form of art. He was the kind of art that made artists think that their brains were the ones which conceived the idea of his existence. He was the type of art that made artists pray that their hands were the ones which molded and could touch his face. He was the category of art that made artists wish that their hearts were the ones which loved and could exhibit him to the world. He was the subject of art that made artists realize that their eyes followed him wherever he went.

It was nearing the year-end cold season. Tree leaves were turning a rusty color, ready to peel themselves off from the branches and fall, as the season suggests. This was her favorite time of the year: her being able to wear her autumnal wardrobe collection and her feelings relating to the descending movement of leaves. It was fall. And fall she did as well, for the boy who took up the featured gallery space in her mind of an art museum.

On one of the stone benches across the building of their college, she positioned herself, plugged in her ear buds, pressed play and closed her eyes. The playlist, dedicated to the boy who was a year younger than her, amplified the emotions she felt for him once again.

No, it isn’t strange to like one who’s younger than you, she thought. He is, after all, still towering at least nine inches over me. Crazy how the height of a person could make you tremble yet feel secure, and not to mention, could make them seem older.

He didn’t give the impression of an athlete, especially those fond of outdoors sports with sun exposure. He was pale with a soft glow, much like the first rays of the early morning sun around the time first period starts. He looked fragile with his thin stature. At least that was how her eyes saw him. To her, he was like a prized antique porcelain from the Orient—-a tall, thin, pale jar that held volumes of substance.

Her eyelids snapped open. Like a jar? How absurd, I can’t believe I just compared my crush to a jar, a nonliving object-

Her thoughtful monologue evaporated as soon as it condensed, for there he was, exiting the building. Since she sat directly across the entrance, it seemed as if he was walking over to her.

He was alone. This was her chance. She had pondered on this moment and had planned it out for months. After a bin of crumpled papers, two used pens and a tired brain and heart, she was done with writing her note and poem for him. The papers lay inside her bag, fragile and pale as the person she wrote to and for, yet to be exposed to the outside world.

Letting her eyes float over him, her senses flooded her being as her mind began to swim in the depths of what-if’s and maybe’s. She knew she was as frozen as arctic waters, and she hoped it was the breeze that made her shiver and not his gaze as he scanned his surroundings—her included. She hoped she wasn’t too obvious, at the same time, she hoped he wasn’t too oblivious.

But she could never tell if he was looking at her then. A sun ray peeked out from between the tree branches above and settled on his face, making his eyes disappear almost altogether, like the waning crescent from her favorite moon phases. He raised a long, bony hand to block the glare and soon, he was of her arm’s reach in search of a place to sit.

As much as she wanted him beside her, she didn’t want him beside her in that way. She didn’t want him to sit next to her just because there was space beside her. And she didn’t care if she was being too picky about the scenario. If something is meant to be, it will happen; one way or another.

After seeing her place her bag next to her on the bench (which took up the space he wanted to sit on), he averted his narrowed gaze to the crowded pavilions right behind her and moved on.

Was it a mistake? Was this the chance I missed? Was I supposed to let him sit with me and talk to me? The sudden invasion of such assumptions made her head spin at the reckless act. Now he probably thinks I’m selfish. He might even think I’m reserving the space for a friend. He might even think I’m waiting for my boyfriend, which I don’t have at all. Unless…

This was no time to think up a joke about adopting him as her boyfriend, though; she held the unspoken rule of “paycheck before boyfriend” close to her heart. Soon enough her thoughts settled as he took off his red backpack and sat on the newly vacated stone bench a few meters beside hers.

There it was again: the chance that returned for the second time because it pitied her heart that yearned to get close to his. And there was no denying that she did want to go up to him and introduce herself.

To any passing stranger, both of them seemed to be waiting for someone; perhaps, to be even waiting for each other without them realizing it.

Her hands were shaking. She couldn’t do this. Not right now, not yet, maybe not ever. She didn’t want to disrupt that peaceful life of his. He was the quiet type, and she didn’t want to embarrass herself in case she wouldn’t shut up once she said hello.

Writing in her journal during these unsteady moments made her hands calmer and more focused. Thus did fresh black ink for the boy blossom on a pristine page that very instant. Additionally, because her mind was in turmoil, she penned in expounded bullet forms.

- I want to know him. A lot. I want to know him because I like him.
I like him because I want to know him. I like him. A lot.
- Suddenly, school at 7am doesn’t seem so bad after all.
- He is wearing his navy blue, I suppose knit, pullover. It makes his shoulders wider and makes him taller. He gingerly took his phone out of his pocket, with those careful hands of his. I can imagine him holding my heart the same way. But my heart is the heart of a stranger, so would he be as gentle? I doubt so.
- I’m wearing my navy blue crochet pullover. This is too much of a coincidence. He pulls the navy blue top look off better than I can/do.
- A face like his belongs somewhere else but it seems as if his heart belongs here.
- I don’t care if people think he’s all I have on my mind this very moment. I want to write about him. They might think my writing is useless because it may seem like I’m immortalizing him. But they don’t realize that I write to express my feelings. Yes, my feelings for him will be magnified this way. Yes, my feelings for him will overwhelm me, the more I write about him. Then, before anyone knows it, I have already stopped thinking and writing about him. But for now, I am flooding my head with him. Because one day I know I won’t be able to contain another drop of him. I am flooding my head with him, only to drain him out of my heart in the end.
- I hope he doesn’t know that what I write and listen to have fragments of him. And I dedicate Taylor Swift’s old song Stay Beautiful to him because he deserves it.
- Superficial as my admiration of him may seem to be, I wish we could be friends (?!?) So I can admire him for real. And maybe get him his favorite snack on his birthday without the awkwardness of strangers.
- Wow. He’s looking in my directio-

No way. Is he looking at me? She held her breath again and casted so much of a side glance. It can’t possibly be me; he must have been looking at other captivating girls around me anyway.

The vibration of her cellphone made her tear her eyes away from him; she received a message from a friend whom she was to have lunch with.

Almost there, where are you?

His movement from her peripherals pulled her back to his presence again. He’s packing up? Already? But he just got here a few minutes ago, as much as I want to leave, I want him to stay… if that even makes sense…

He picked up his bag and stood up to walk over to her bench. One step, then two. His long strides were getting to her faster than she thought.

It was too soon. She felt it was still too early. It wasn’t time to get to know him.

Meet me at the carpark, she replied to her friend.

He was making his way to her with his impassive expression thanks to those eastern Asian eyes. Those same, tired eyes which caught her very own two years ago.

In the following seconds she was making her way past him. She held her head high and her shoulders back. He froze in place, confused if she made a mistake in missing him or if it was his mistake into thinking of her wanting to speak to him.

Today was not the day. Then and there she decided she wouldn’t talk to him, give him her note and poem, nor her attention and time. She didn’t even think of the imaginable future, which was unusual of her, if she would give him her number or even her heart in the time to come. One step, then two, she counted; I am walking away from you.

This was as far as she could get close and say hello to him—a walk-by and a silent goodbye.

"Young Man found Murdered in East End. Police believe that in the early hours of Tuesday morning a young man who hasn’t been named  was tragically killed. His body was found the following morning by his cleaning lady. There has been much speculation linking this latest death to the series of murders that has happened in the capital over the past two weeks."

The headline news at the moment, yes another ******. This time another man killed, the ever changing result at the moment is now two men and three young women. It seems the killer prefers severing the femoral artery of his victim, thus securing a fast and ****** end to their poor pathetic lives.

I read intently, the pure supposition by law enforcement officials that seems to me to be almost comical in nature. They bandy words like Serial Killer and Maniac across the pages of every news paper.
I smile, as I fold it in half, placing it neatly on the table next to my breakfast things, for I know that tonight another ****** will occur. First things first though, I have to go and earn my keep.

I work as an investment banker in the cities renown square mile. Yes I am one of those so called pariahs who is happy to receive the extortionate bonuses that the majority of Londoners and the rest of the country, I might add, are all so busy complaining about. I must concede to the fact that I totally deserve every penny I get but I suppose I would say that, wouldn’t I?

Pariah, yes that’s me pretty much to a tee.

Pariah: definition, outcast: somebody who is despised and avoided. Yes that sums me up perfectly even if I do say so myself. Of course most of my friends and colleagues would not be of that opinion at this moment in time but I do believe that they will come to this decision soon enough. As I have already stated, I have a crust to earn so I had better start to make a move, the rent won’t pay its self you know. I won’t bore you with the daily working life of an investment banker, the majority of you idiots wouldn’t understand me even if I did, so I will fast forward ten hours and once more speak to you from more comfortable surroundings, this time in the guise of a well frequented public ale house in the East end of London.

As my night progresses I see her across the now bustling and noisy lounge area and yes, she is something to behold. God has been very kind to this young lady. Her name is Petunia and a more than willing victim one will never meet. She is perfectly formed and voluptuous in every way you can imagine. Just what I am looking for on this lovely summers evening. Over the course of the evening the charm flourishes and Petunia and I laugh, chat and drink our way through it, getting even closer as the night closes in. This is working lovely, that flash of thigh as she rubs her leg along my own. The glint in her eyes tells me that this young woman has succumbed, hook line and sinker to my charms.

Not one of those to big myself up but this is of no surprise to me, as I do believe I have everything almost every woman would ever want. The looks, personality and money, with this in mind, she never stood a chance really. We leave the pub arm in arm, she looks a little unsteady due to the drink.

Come into my parlour said the spider to the fly and she is so prone to take that first step. Our destination, her flat just a stones throw away. My mind racing, excitement so enthused within my cool and calm exterior.

If you have been following the events of the last few weeks you will know that the past five Murders were all committed with a short sharp blade entering into the groin area. I am so aware of that silken metal that the steel presents to my leg. I feel it intently even through the leather sheath that is bound so securely below my trouser leg. I am so aroused at this moment in time.

Inside Petunia’s flat we waste no time getting close as I push my quarry back onto the divan. After the initial fumbling we are almost there. As we taste each others tongues my left hand reaches down to select my weapon from its casing. I feel its coldness in my hand, raising it to the desired position. All I have to do now is slide it forward and penetrate.

My hands are sweating. As we feed on each other with our mouths I feel my hand shaking. I try to shut off the emotions now running through my mind but I cannot do it. I pull my mouth away from her succulent lips and realize that this is just not going to happen. It felt like such a good idea until now, I was so motivated before this but I just haven’t got it in me to **** this beautiful woman.

A sharp pain brings me to my senses as the blade slides into my groin. The pumping coldness that is now soaking through the material of my Armani trousers. I am shaking so much, in Hemorrhagic shock, as my life’s blood pumps from my femoral artery. She pushes me onto my back, as I fight to keep breathing, Petunia looks down at me smiling.

“Thank you for a lovely night -- Number Six.”

I'm waiting for the world to turn,
For me to grow in another year,
My hair will get longer,
And my emotions will change,
Doing nothing while healing from surgery was so sublime,
But now I have to face the oncoming storm,
Of work and responsibilities that I hid from for so long,
Last year,
At this exact moment,
I was waiting for the same thing.

It makes me wonder,
Is this all that I will do?,
Wait and wait until I feel like I'm grown?,
I'm already 19,
Considered an adult by society,
Yet when I look at myself in the mirror,
I still feel like a child.

I guess I'm waiting for a moment that will never happen,
When the world sends me a sign,
A sign that will change my own self perspective,
So when I look in the mirror,
I can see an adult.

(Extra characters: Friend 1  Friend 2 )
"A chat about who people like?"
It's not something like that!
But actually I'm interested, and want to hear about it,
It  sets my heart fluttering!

The reason is really simple,
I'm plagued by this awkward shyness,
So I'll just be watching from behind.

Though surely I've been kindled with the idea of love,
I actually haven't fallen in love with anyone yet.
Just having fun with my friends, A "bachelorette"(lol)
Who just smiles and dodges the question...

It's totally fine like this! 'Thud'

Falling in love and stuff, when it happens to someone,
Naturally that envious, jealous feeling rises up.
Teach me the charm, that will set love in motion!
I must look like a huge dummy...

"Eh? a soccer ball?"
"Hey what's that? It looks fun!"
"It's just what guys do right?"
We burst out in laughter.

Saying "Good morning, you got some bed hair."
That boy from my class, I'm totally shocked!
It was the first time he talked to me,
And it's just so embarrassing!

With my everyday being a bit boring,
Having milk, the two stars and a supernova,
They were having a dream.

Suppose one day if I started going out with someone,
It'd be nice walking home hand in hand...
"It's a somewhat embarrassing dream..."
"I know..." Just talking to myself,
Someday, surely...

Being jealous, being made to feel that way,
All girls experience stuff like that.
These totally normal kinds of emotions,

I'll surely have them too...

"I have something I want to tell you,"
"Later after school, at 4:10 pm in this classroom right here."
Glancing at me during just our second conversation,
Why won't my heart stop beating like crazy?

I can't look at him!

You know, just supposing, if this was a confession...
I'm all stuck thinking,
About what I should say.

If that kind of thing is said...

Aahh...
"I'm just so nervous!"

Marry me  a sugar daddy

It about stability and a sense of security
And ways of staying happy and not about the money
I need my life to shine bright like diamond
It might be critical, it might be political
All that matters, is where I lay my head

I am a happier with my decision
Because when I go to hell
I am going Gangnam style
With a wide range of emotions; Andante
   I just am going to marry me sugar daddy.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
The good life is not only about the money

There’s something I need to say,
Simply put, I want you.
Tormented by dreams,
No longer just in my sleep;
But I find myself drifting,
Dreaming of you as I lay
Awake on my bed,
Staring into the light above me.
It’s as if nothing else exists.
Only you do.

But it’s irrational,
These dreams that encompass me.
You see, I barely know you.
Yet you’ve got me enchanted.
Captured in the way you talk,
The way you carry yourself.
I could go on about these things
I perceive of you.

Are these things even real?
I'm afraid that I'm only
Infatuated by your mystery.
I've only ever seen
What everyone else see’s;
The person you choose
To share with the world.
For all I know, you wear a mask.
Pretend to be something
That your not.
And then I’d be a fool.

Yet I can't seem to stop myself,
From this day dreaming.
You forever press against my mind.
I've gotten carried away;
Started to craft a you
In which I can enjoy.

But what happens when
The veil is removed?
Once I finally get to know you?
Disappointment.
And what then?
Dreams popped like soap bubbles.
What if you remain obscure?
Should I take this chance?
Or should I run away?

Love at first sight;
Many believe it to be irrefutable.
Yet I find it to be unreasonable.
How can one just know that
A person they've only just seen
Be the person that they’re
Destined to be with?
It seems to me that
that would simply be infatuation.
Aren’t they only falling in love
With someone’s appearance?

Yet here I am,
Having just met you
A short while ago;
Claiming that I couldn't
Bear to live without you.
All I want is to make you mine.
Terrified of the person you may be;
Frightened by the idea of rejection.
After all, I am a skeptic
Of my own emotions.
Afraid to eat my words,
Yet, also, to prove myself right.
What would you say if you knew?