I wish I was a writer, I really do.
But the story escapes me, out of my hands
All I can feel is this melancholy lump
It’s growing inside, blocking all creativity.
My mind goes numb as my fingers forget
How to type, hands forgetting the hold of a pen.
A sleepy haze roles over me, just as I sit,
Ready to release a budding story inside of me.
It all sounds wrong, words can’t shape
the images in my head, can’t contextualize
Different concepts from within.
And the longer I sit, the more words
I try to form, the story leaks, it oozes
out of my soul, evaporating before I can catch
Even a drop, a simple word in my diary.
Journals stack up pages with pages all empty.
The fire I once felt for the written word, turns to apathy.
I have no stories to tell, not anymore,
as this melancholia seeps into every pore.
It is all that I am, all that I know.
It pulls me down, begging for sleep,
Begging to not feel anything.
Every creative cell has stopped growing,
Slowly dying as this lackluster grey blankets everything.
All I can feel now, is a deep loss, as if I’ve lost
Everyone single person I love, I’m in mourning
At a funeral, that only exists inside of me.
As I forget how to sleep when it’s really needed,
But stuck in nightmares once I finally cede to it.
More dreams go to waste, as my creative endeavours,
They get locked away. I can’t find a way out,
Find the right tool to dig out hope.
My treasure trove of wonder and curiosity,
It’s lost forever, nowhere to be seen.
I wish I was a writer, with endless stories to share.
I wish I was a writer with creativity to spare.
Instead the only thing flowing from my fingertips,
Is the very despair I am trying to be rid.
Instead all I can share, all I can spread
Is this melancholy feeling inside my head.

How do you decide?
Decide what to do,
What the future holds for you?
I don’t understand, one goal,
One goal that somehow
Supersedes them all.

How do you choose?
When passion flows through you,
For not just one, nor two,
But many life paths, careers,
It all means something to you?

I feel lost, thinking of the future.
I’m floating by, trying to find,
Something that could spark
More than mere interest,
Something that could captivate,
Hypnotize me for long enough.

Because you see, I flit from one
Passion to the next, one minute
I am drawing, the next sewing,
The next it’s animals I love,
Or how about teaching children?

And I sit here empty, not sure
Which path to take, which goal
To make, to work towards,
Because right now, I’m in
The inbetween, no job,
Not in school, what do I do?

But the reality is, I’m trying to find
That one magic passion,
That somehow works with my
Disable body, since almost everything,
I find it all exhausting.
And my mind is spinning circles,
A dog chasing its tail.

Why can’t I do it all?
Why can’t I just enjoy life, enjoy
All of the things it brings,
And take my time, because I’m
So tired, of trying to figure it all out.
Tired of planning, I’ve never been
Too good at planning, when there’s
So many things occupying my mind,
So many things that I desire.

But even then, even then, if I could find
A goal to work towards, a dream job
For right now, well that takes work
And it takes time, because it
Turns out it’s all a ladder that
We all have to climb and being disabled,
Well I feel left behind, not sure
How to move forward when
I also have to go up, and going
Up has always been so draining.

I must work now, to somehow
Get somewhere I would rather be,
But what do you do when most jobs
Require me to be on my feet,
With my level of experience,
And education, limiting me?
It’s like I have to hurt myself
In order to hopefully some day,
Live a better life, I guess that’s why
So many say, ‘suffer now, and
You’ll get your reward later’

I tried university, tried college,
But you see, being disabled,
Has made them  difficult for me.
At least, in the ways that I was pursuing.
And now I’m stuck, trying to find my way,
How to get out of this rut, this mess,
All around me while being limited
By my own body, when I’m so used
To trying so hard to keep up
With the rest of them, charging
At how much money they can earn.

Money, it always comes back to money.
And money stresses me out,
Makes me more sick, gives me more
Pain that I would ever like to be in.
Well, apparently, money is
Supposed to be the solution.

Not so easy when the job market is crap,
I didn’t come from money, so I had to
Start off with nothing, and make my own way.
But where do you start, when
All your ‘now’ prospects seem
Rather lackluster and all you can do
Is prepare for a future.

Strange to think that we’re told to
Live each and every day like
It’s the last one we may ever live,
When we have to spend our beginnings
Stuck in preparing, deciding, and striving
For a future, so hard to make,
When all you started with was
A journal to write in.

I just want to live now,
I want to live everyday,
I want to spend more time
Cultivating all this passion inside
Of me, it’s bursting inside of me.

But there’s this rut, this anxiety,
This fear, of having to build a life,
No, a career. So that I can live
In the future, instead of now,
So that hopefully, we can get by,
Scrape by, by the skins of our teeth.

Tired of working crap jobs,
That I don’t really like, where we’re
Unappreciated, and paid to barely live.
Overworked, underpaid, I’m in so much pain.
My body, can’t stand in this pain,
But that’s all I can do is stand.
In pain, at a cash register,
Or making drinks, no consideration,
Of the struggle it is of being disabled.

Because we all have to able.
Able to stand, to push, to work
Your ***** off, until there’s nothing left,
You’ve given all you’ve got, and then
Some. Soul *******, career bent,
Work too hard, to fit in.
You got to be a workaholic to fit in.

Well I can’t keep up with that pace,
And I see it wearing people thin,
People that have more strength,
More drive than I ever did.
How are we supposed to live,
When you have to work to live,
And, in turn, live to work.
It’s extremely exhausting.

All of this jumbles inside me,
I can’t breathe, can’t decide,
How I’m supposed to live my life
When everything screams
On all sides, that I’m supposed to be
Running, supposed to be rushing,
And that all seems so wrong.

I just want to live a life that has meaning.
Something meaningful to me, that I can
Actually enjoy each moment as it passes
Us all by, I don’t want to rush life
Before it all ends, I’m so tired
Of trying to run in this ‘rat race’
It’s not a race, I need a slower pace.
I demand a slower place.
No more running, no more racing,
It’s time to live in the now,
No fear.

It’s in moments like these,
Where all it would take is saying I love you.
Yet I’m all choked up,
Trying to express to you in special words
What you mean to me.
All I want is to make some grand speech
Just like in the movies,
Expressing to you how it seems that
My heart beats faster and slower
At the same time, how I can feel you
In every nerve of my body.
And maybe that’s overdone,
Maybe it’s cliché;
But these are the words I’d like to say.
Yet when you’re here, right in front of me
And my chance is finally here,
My tongue ties up,
My thoughts too fast for my mouth.
Although I've seen that sometimes
Simplicity is better than dressed up words,
Maybe this ‘I love you’
Is all I really need.
I hope that you can see in my eyes
How much you mean to me,
Feel it in my hand as I press
Mine against yours.
I love you.

You don’t need to try so hard.
You can wear the clothes you want.
Do whatever you please,
Express yourself the way you know how.
You can wear those heels
Just because you love them.
Your true friends will accept you
And all your little quirks.
It’s time to let it go,
Let go of all your fears of judgement.
Stop caring what people think of you,
It’s none of your business anyways.
You are who are for a reason.
You’re crazy, eclectic,
A miss independent and a little rebellious.
You like to defy the norms of society
So why aren’t you doing it?
Let go of all those rules and make your own.
You’ve always stood for the outcasts,
Paving your own path,
Cutting the trees blocking your way.
Why care now about fitting in
When you’re a shining gem?
You were born to lead, to conquer.
This is your destiny, you’ve always worn
Your individuality just like a badge.
Don’t become submissive,
Stop looking for approval,
You won’t find it anywhere
But inside of yourself.
It’s the self-acceptance that comes first,
There’s no better friend than you.
Go on, look in the mirror.
Remember, you better like who you are,
That is the person you’ll be stuck with
For the rest of your life.
Enjoy all the strangeness,
All the weird parts of your personality.
There’s no refunds, no exchanges.
You are who you are and that
Is perfection; no matter what anyone says.
Accept who you are now,
Accept all the growth to come.
You can accomplish even your
Wildest dreams, those shooting stars.
It’s time to just be,
Time to stop leaning on societies
Ideals and march on out
With head held up high.
Self acceptance is all you need.

I am strong.
I am a strong, independent
And confident young woman.
These are words that are hard
To tell myself;
To look in the mirror and
Convince myself that I am worthy
Of the life that I've been given.
I guess depression does that to you.
Suddenly all that confidence
I had grown up with,
The spirit I had,
It’s all gone, disappeared.
The hardest part is I don’t know why,
I don’t know what created this circle,
This awful self-loathing.
I don’t want to hate myself,
There are definitely things  
I do love about myself.
Yet there’s this voice in my head,
Telling me otherwise,
That these things aren't as great
As they appear to be.
I want to believe good
Things about myself,
To look in the mirror
And see that I’m beautiful.

This is the struggle I've been living with.
A cycle I’m learning to fight.
Being able to wake up in the morning
With a smile on my face,
Ready to face the new day.
Battling these demons is hard
But I know I’m not alone;
And in times of need I know
Where to turn, who to call.
Now, I've gotten to the point
Where I can handle this
On my own, my own small mantra
“You are a strong, confident and
Independent young woman,”
Actually has an impact now.
In times of need, I can say these
Words to myself,
And feel calm, I can feel them,
Those words taking over,
I am all that I speak.
I am strong.

I want to be free, free to fly
Through the night sky as my spirit drifts
Through the wind; My body an entity
In which holds no bonds to the laws
Of gravity or physics.
My particles free, as I experience what
It’s like to glide like an eagle,
Soaring past the sun.
An owl floating in the moonlight.
I want to explore mountain peaks
Without fear of the air density changing,
No thoughts gone to freezing.
I wonder what it would be like to
Experience the ocean depths
Without needing to breath,
Without needing oxygen.
I want to be free to run through
Empty fields full of wild flowers and
Weeds, soaking up the sun
Just like a morning glory.
I want to live in the natural
And terrifying beauty of this world;
Absorbing it’s radiance,
Free from technology.
Lying under a tree,
Watching the sun beams
Filtering through the leaves.
As a peace I've never had fills me.
Free from obligation.
Free from all the negativity.
I want to be an extension of nature
As we nurture one another.
I just want to be free.
Free to walk along a rivers edge
As the sky reflects on the water’s surface.
Taking in all this beauty
And being one with it;
Feeling completely serene.

Inside my heart, deep within a well
A treasure chest of peace resides.
There for me when it seems
Like there’s nothing left to break.
After all the layers of my soul
Feel shattered, are weak.
Calming me even when
I’m deep in anxiety.

A broken mess touching this
Treasure chest buried deep within
Restoring a strength I thought lost,
Pushing me to take a new step,
To keep pressing forward,
Giving me a reason to smile,
To never give up
When all seems lost.

A treasure chest of hope,
There to put me on my feet
When it seems I've lost my way,
Can’t find an open door.
Giving me a light to look for
In the dark mess surrounding,
This maze I’m trapped in,
These endless tunnels blinding.

A treasure chest of joy
Stitching back the pieces of my heart,
Giving me a hand to wipe these tears
That stream down my face.
Unlocking laughter that burbles
Without reason or cause,
Simply because I can be happy
In spite of all the road blocks.

A treasure chest of determination
Daring me to run at those
Obstacles and overcome them.
Giving me a bounce back in my step.
The answers I need,
That were always inside of me
And the will to seek
The ones that are missing.

Unlock my inner treasure chest
And you will find a force
To be reckoned with.
An independent soul
With a heart to pursue life
With arms wide open
And a strength to accomplish
Even her wildest dreams.