There is so much more to this than you know
There is more to anorexia than starving
There is more to depression than sadness
There is more to anxiety than stress
There is more to bulimia than purging
There is more to bipolar disorder than mood changes
There is more to a mental illness than one thing
A mental illness effects every part of someones life
As well as everyone you love
It's an illness and it hurts
But a mental illness can never be cured
But you can help your loved one with it
But first you have to know what you're helping
Anorexia is a disorder characterized by a desire to lose weight by refusing to eat
Depression is a disorder characterized by persistently depressed mood or loss of interest in activities
Anxiety is a disorder characterized by feelings of worry, anxiety, or fear
Bulimia is a disorder marked by binging, followed by methods to avoid weight gain
Bipolar disorder is associated with episodes of mood swings ranging from depressive lows to manic highs
You need to know about this because people have this
And more awareness needs to be made
Because mental illness effects everyone

Too many miles lay between
me and my favorite people
Too many numbers
that cause emotional
early morning conversations
But in the end we know
that these numbers are only numbers
And one day these numbers will go down
and we will be together
Because numbers can't destroy
a connection so strong

i have this sudden longing to feel life again
it seems as though the past few years it's disappeared from me
and i just need to feel it
i need to go to an ocean and feel the water move beneath my feet
to see the fishes swimming and thriving
i need to sit in the front of a car with music playing
to be with my favorite people and feel the wind against my fingers
i need to be in the woods on a rainy day
to hear the water hit the trees and feel the droplets fall to my cheek
i need to feel something and life seems to be the best fitting right now
i need to be somewhere i can breathe
where i can exist and not be forced to be anything
where i can feel mother nature pumping through me
life just seems to pulse through her and i need some of it to transfer to me

imagine how boring of a world it would be if there were no problems
we would have nothing to work forward to
imagine how terrible that would be
we all have our problems and that's what keeps us motivated
like we are all sitting in this circle trying to pretend that we have no problems
when that seriously is not the case
we all have our issues and our problems
and that's what helps us individualize ourselves a little bit
those issues are what drive us to overcome these obstacles
so why are we trying to pretend like we are perfect

On days like this,
when music from my many playlists
is the only thing keeping me going
i realize how much it
has helped me develop as a person
music has always been a large part of my life
but in these past few years
it has been one of the few things
that have stayed constant through everything
through friendships ending, deaths, anxiety, depression,
and the roller coaster that life has been
music is something that i have always turned to in my dark hours
to lift my spirits and make me smile
and when i'm happy i turn on my music
because it's something i always looked forward to
and I've come to realize
that music has helped me grow
taught me that however i'm feeling is ok
and with this i've learned how to understand and accept myself
and also connect with people on a more personal level
and gain deeper friendships
so music has been a huge part of my life
and i admire the artists i listen to
for being able to plant the seeds of people
and be able to watch them grow

why is it that i want to ask you every question known to man
yet not have any courage to go through with the action of asking?
it might be that i am scared that my curiosity may scare you away
or possibly because i am scared of you never wanting to answer
but either way i'm scared and just wanting to know how you work
i want to ask you why you don't believe god and what spiritual path you think you will follow
i want to ask you why you love math so much and how it can bring such a smile onto that face of yours
i want to ask you why you love that one film so much and what about it makes you laugh so much
i want to ask you why you are so scared to let people in and why you apologize for everything regardless of whether it's your fault or not
i want to ask what makes your depression and anxiety worse and what i can do to the best of my ability to make it easier
i want to ask you how you could've gone your entire life without anyone showing you just pure love
i want to ask you how you tick and what makes you run
i want to see your entire painting and see if i ever appear on it, even if just in a form of a hue
i wish i had the courage to ask you these things and so many others
but i don't know how you could ever feel about my curious soul

No one noticed when the girls skinny jeans got baggy
No one noticed when she started shiveing when it was 80 degrees
No one noticed when the girl who was usually very loud became very quiet
No one noticed when her typical t-shirt turned into sweaters everyday
No one noticed her
Because no one notices the outcast
Especially when she's anorexic and depressed
Until she speaks out
Then they noticed her favorite jeans are 3 sizes too big
Then they noticed the goosebups covering her arms and legs
Then they notice how her head is always stuck in a book
Then they noticed the scratches covering her left arm
Because they wouldn't even know something was wrong
Unless she told them
Because nobody notices the girl with the tears on her textbook
Nobody notices the girl that's sad

i've always been the kind of person to give people multiple chances
regardless of how badly the wound was that they previously left
but after awhile when i get so broken
i have to give up and let them go
so please dont ever say i give up too easily
because i have never done that
don't wear me down and blame me for cutting those strings
i have my reasons for burning bridges
and if you aren't gonna let it go until i tell you then so be it

i got so emotionally drained and i felt like a walking zombie
being friends with that toxicity of a human
i did such terrible things and outside of that state i would've never done them
but the biggest reasons i cant do it
no human should get blamed for a suicide attempt
especially if they are just trying to help
no 13 year old should have to take away her friends scissors
because she won't quite cutting in school
nobody should break at the sight of a human

no human should have to go through that
and then feel the need to turn around with a smile and keep helping
so when i say i cant do it
i cant go back to that
don't torment me and make fun about it
because i don't have enough of me to go through that again
im done giving chances to the person that made my soul shatter through a phone call or a letter from the psychiatric unit
im sorry but im out of chances

i am not the night sky
although we are similar in the fact that i am not always clear and i don't always look as pretty in pictures
this is for one simple reason
i am human
and i cannot be compared to an object
even as complex as the sky, i am by far more complex than it could ever be
i feel things and i think through things
i try new things and sometimes i change how i look
i add variety in my life and nothing can change that fact
so to compare a human, like myself, is so abnormal
because how could something so simple ever compare to the vastness that a human holds
it shouldn't be spoken of or let alone be thought of
but it is because we as a species are constantly trying to find ourselves in things
whether they be other humans or something as simple as the night sky
we always wish to see bits of ourselves and feel a connection with
this bit of information should shine light on a fact
we should be able to find security within ourselves
but it is rather difficult when society and other people try to push the idea that we will see ourselves in something
because that is not always the case
and to try to make ourselves seem so simple is so absolutely absurd
because what makes us human is our expansive ability to be unique
to be incomparable is what it means to be human

Please don't say that you know what my depression feels like
Because I don't want anyone else to feel like this
I don't have the usual kind of depression where you're just sad
I have the kind that makes me feel numb to everything
I feel nothing
I don't feel sad, or mad, or angry
I feel nothing
I don't get interested in anything
I have absolutely no motivation
I don't crave food
Eating makes me feel sick
I feel absolutely nothing
I feel disconnected from everything
And I hope that no one ever feels as numb as I do

in the early months we see beauty return to the world
right when we thought colorful art would stop returning
in these early months we learn so much
one of the hardest for most to accept and see
is that everything will die eventually
the beautiful flowers will one day wilt and return to being soil
the leaves on the trees will fall to the ground and become a playground for children
and one day the grass is going to be covered by the freezing snow
and just like plants, we will one day die too
this is simply just how it is
we die and will become food for worms and fertilizer for new life
but our spirits will live on and return to the beautiful spring
although most fear dying, you don't need to my dear
because the flowers have shown us that good always returns
you have existed before, you exist now, and you will continue to
accept this, for you are a flower too

People say that history will always repeat itself
I don't really believe that that is always true
It's all up to you
You choose how the future will be
When things happen in the past
You can't hide
because then you're going to miss everything
Open your beautiful eyes
And take an adventure
Make friend with someone across the world
Be a groupie on your favorite bands tour
Buy that thing you've been eyeing for months
Make a random adventure
Because life will always stay the same if you let it
And if you leave like that history IS going to repeat itself
but if you hope and take risks
The future won't be the same
So open your eyes and take a leap

when we talk
we make our own little world
where there is nothing
but two kids having fun
running toward swings
going on walks toward parks
talking about our favorite songs
just our own little place
just you and i
swinging at a park
filled with feelings
and thoughts about our giggles
our own little safe place
no bad guys trying to break us down
no overwhelming thoughts of a future
just two kids
talking
and creating their own little universe

what is one to do with a love that is outdated and dead?
because i don't know what to do with this love
the love of things that merely exist but cannot be created the same
they barely exist, only in the worlds that desire this
i don't believe me and my love for these things that barely exist
belong on this plane of existence
we don't belong but we work, we coexist in this reality of art
and it's a beautiful mingling of minds
i don't belong in this era and i should be where it was
but i'm not and i'm here and i'm desiring that world
the feelings and the reality of that world
so what do i do with this love of that place and not this one?

Do you ever have that moment when all you feel
is that overwhelming sense of loneliness?
and it happens at the most random of moments
10 minutes ago you were smiling and laughing with your friends
and now you're in your room near tears
that feeling of being so lonely
is absolutely horrible
it is emotionally draining
it is physically taking all of your energy
it is taking away everything that makes you happy
and it erases the barriers and the demons walk in
you just feel so weak and like no one notices
it is so horrible
you can be surrounded by everyone you love
and feel like there is no one there
you can be holding hands with the person you care for most
and feel like they wouldn't notice you being gone
sometimes it can happen in the middle of a class
or in the middle of the night
and you have no control over it
that's the worst part
you can't do anything about it

I am here to tell you I have been lying to your face
I know this may come as a shock to some people
But I have been
I show you the side of me
That is happy & giggly & goofy
But I never show you the other side of me
The side of me that gets depressed and cries alone in her room
I never show you this side of me because I love making others happy
Even when I'm not
And most days I'm not
Some days I just push the devilish voices to the back
Some days I just don't want to be here
Some days I plaster on a smile to by
Some days music and poetry are what keep me going
But I don't continue on for that
I do because the days I am happy are amazing
I do because I have amazing friends and family
I do because there is more than sadness
I'm sorry I've been lying
I was just tired of painting on lies

I wish that sometimes I could pause life
I wish that I could just take a break from all of this
I just need some time
To get through all of this
I need time to stop feeling like this all of the time
I need to feel something, anything at all
It's been like this for months
I just need to pause everything
So i can get through this
If only I could

My whole life I've always been the side character
And in most of my friendships have been terrible
Mostly because the out of the few a few have been just horrible to me
But even along with that I've always just been the side kick
I've always been so and so's best friend
That's all I've always been
Every time someone greeted me and I said my name
I got "Oh, name's friend."
I felt very small, but I was comfortable
Because it was all I had ever known
I always knew to keep my opinions quiet so I wouldn't lose them
I always knew to just listen in on conversations
And I always knew to smile whenever I was called the side kick
So when my best friend of 7 years moved away
And I had no friends whatsover
It was weird just being called Hannah
It was terrifying not having friends but it was liberating to be me
It was liberating to be recognized as a human and not as an accessory
And it was then that I realized I was always a side character
In my own life i was playing the **** side character
And I also realized I loved being the lead
I now make it a point to be equals in all relationships
With friends, partners, and all people
Because I know how horrible it is to be belittled
And I want all people to realize how amazing the main stage is

i absolutely fear love
i fear it with every fiber of my being
because if i tell you i love you
you would know how shattered i could become if you left
i've always feared love
i've feared letting someone in that far
letting someone see how i really am
to let them have the ability to hurt me that badly
to let myself become comfortable with another
i've feared every aspect of love
because i fear vulnerability and being broken
yet i went and fell
and i'm absolutely terrified to speak those words
because then you could shatter me
and you already know how fragile i am

i truly which that more people my age
were shown the true beauty of poetry
i wish we were more informed of its true impact
i wish we were taught the classic poets
who did that for a living and could do that
i wish we were taught what it truly is
and not just something that rhymes
i wish that more people my age
could truly understand and adore the art that is poetry
because being a poet and writing it is so much more
than what society perceives it to be
because poetry has so much emotion and thoughts behind it
and i wish that society could understand the true art behind it

pretty boy get off the stage
the show is over
it's been done and played
take off that mask and be yourself
and stop trying to be like everybody else
nobody is waiting for an encore
so why are you?
step out of character and be the you we all desire
why are you refusing?
because the stage is comfortable?
well, pretty boy, the world is not a stage
the world is streets and aisles where the acting doesn't count
nobody wants to be around a facade
people want genuine emotions and reactions
and the character you chose is not you

so pretty boy its time
take off the costume
and step into your own shoes
don't let how you think you need to be seen
decide how you act
go with your instinct
and pretty boy just be you

I know that you're the brighter side of everything
And I know it's not the end
I'm just slowly losing myself
I don't want to drag you to this hell
I still love you
But I'm falling apart
I can't stand to have you watch me from afar
So I'm gonna save you
And walk away
Because I would rather have you happy
Then sad and still with me
But I love you too much
For you to be stuck in this place
Maybe someday we'll reunite
And we'll work out in the end
But you're my pretty little flower
That I hope will never die

day after day
i promised you
i would never leave
now as i sit alone
broken and shattered
i wish i had asked you
to promise me too

my dad has always given me hell
for loving queer literature endlessly
and i've tried to explain it to him several times
but i don't think he will ever understand
he will never understand that i could read all the romance novels with heterosexual individuals
and i will never be able to fully relate and understand either
yet whenever i read a queer novel
i relate to those characters endlessly
despite all of our differences
i understand falling for somebody that your not supposed to in society's eyes
i understand the fear of liking a girl despite being out and proud for years
i understand that voice in the back of your head shouting the bad endings when your coming out
i understand so much more in the queer novels
i can actually see myself as those individuals
because i've been there ad i've understood those fears and the honesty and the relief
no straight character could ever describe their crush and i be able to fully connect
because for me with every crush there is that tiny fear
i wish i could explain this all to my dad
and have him understand why those characters have such a safe place in my heart
why being able to read those fears is something i connect to
why realizing that strange yet very known fact about oneself is a place i've been
and i just wish he could understand

i always question
where we will be
3 years from now
me and mia will be seniors
and you will be already graduated
you and i will be applying for art school i hope
and mia will be applying for science school
and maybe we will be planning for the apartment
i hope we are still close
i think we will but theres always the possibility of loss
i hope we are all mentally okay
we all deal with mental illnesses
and i hope we are all helping each other through them
i hope everything goes well for us
because i see you guys as my future
and i hope you guys too
i hope you guys want the future to go well
as much as i do at least

i wonder if you ever think of me
when you see butterflies fluttering past
when you see an old book with yellowing pages
when you see daisies for sale at the farmers market
when you see gorgeous castles with large libraries
when you hear thunder pound on the roof at night
when you read poetry and see the profound meanings that lay behind it
when you smell lavender and incense float past you
do they remind you of me?
of all the moments and hundreds of conversations we had?
do you ever get reminded of all the things that make up me?
i remember all the things you used to write down about me so you wouldn't forget them
and i wonder if they stuck and ever remind you

once upon a time...
god that's such a cheesy way to start out a tale
i mean
it could be a reasonable way to start this out considering we are no more
but it is just too fairy tale esc if we take in the fact of how we ended
well we were once very close
and I at one time thought you were my best friend
then our friendship ended...and then it started and ended again
and today i got an anonymous message
and i just deep down knew it was from you
you claimed to be shocked at how we once were close and aren't anymore
and that you don't even know me anymore
but this is how life goes and you hope the best for me
i don't know why i was so shocked by this
it might be because of how much time has passed
and how i've avoided you quite successfully
or it might be because of the hell you brought into my life
today i was reminded of you and i don't really know how to feel about it
i'm not particularly filled with hatred when you are mentioned
but i don't really wish to ever befriend you either

Why do we romanticize suicide?
Because it's not something that should be romanticized
Because when you read poems
They make it sound like such a peaceful way to go
Just swallow a few pills, it'll be like falling asleep
Just slip down in the bath, just think.  It'll last for eternity
I mean it sounds so calming, right?
And that's not right
And it defenitley isn't helping
It isn't helping the kids who are suicidal&self-harming;&depressed;
When they get on the internet,
the place they use as an escape,
and that's what they see
It sure didn't help me
So why do we do that?
Why do we make it sound so heavenly?
Because it's not!
It's blood on the bathroom floor forming around your emotionless face
It's puking in the toilet because you swallowed the whole medicine cabinet
It's mascara steining your cheeks because you've been crying for hours
It's your mom pounding on the door screaming for you to unlock it
It's your little brother visiting you because your not allowed home yet
Now does it sound pretty?
No, because suicide is not pretty

ever since i was little, I've always wanted to do one thing
I've always wanted to help people
and I've found that the best way for me to do that
is using my writing to speak to you\and i always ask the spirits if i've helped someone
who needed to hear the words that i wrote
and they say i have
which is an amazing and calming feeling
knowing that i helped someone
bu using my words and being there
i asked the spirits if i knew who i helped
they i don't
so i asked them if i ever will know them
and the spirits told me
i will know this amazing human
if i keep going on this path
so i'm going following this road
trying to help people with my words
and meet some saved people along the way

Let's not make this easy
Let's make this hard and crazy
Let's make nearly impossible dreams
and almost unachievable goals
We are not gonna be the teens that go the easy route anymore
We are gonna be the ones with wild dreams and full imaginations
We are gonna be the ones with fun stories and eventful lives
We are the ones who want to go the down the interesting road
Cuz the easy road got boring generations ago
And we aren't wanting that anymore
We don't want your cookie cutter lives
We want graffiti covered careers
We want adventure filled schooling
We want bass filled stories
We are sick of being told to go the easy way
We just want to have good lives with fun stories

I stepped into the scalding shower
too numb to feel the heat
and i scrubbed everything
attempting to erase the memory of you
but as i clawed and i scraped
you were still there
and every time i closed my eyes
i could see you
engraved in my eyelids
forever haunting me and my broken heart

i have begun to hate this new life we've started to live
because your never here
and when you are your always asleep
don't get me wrong, i understand why it's like this
but i hate it
because your never really here
when you are awake your exhausted and your in a sleepy haze
and i can't talk to you anymore
there's no time to
and your my safety blanket
you are my human
you keep me sane
sitting and talking and thinking with you is what keeps me steady
and yes, i might be acting selfish right now
but i just want it go back to the way it was

i hope that all people never forget
their own self worth
that everyone is worth all the things in the world
regardless of their relationship status
outside of this relationship you are still you
you are still a capable human being
you are capable of doing wonderful things my dear
i hope you never are confined to title of someones partner
because you are and will always be more than that
and yes, relationships may be nice
but you should never, ever, ever forget
that no one's hand will ever fit yours quite as nicely as your own

i have always feared thunderstorms
i have no idea why but they terrify me down to my very core
the sound of thunder makes me want to curl up into a little ball and hide away from everything until it stops
thunderstorms make me feel so small and weak and i absolutely dread them
and the only way i can cope with my fear is if somebody hugs me and is there
but this isn't always attainable as people are people and aren't focused around me
it makes sense but it's absolutely miserable for me as thunder makes me curl up in my bed hiding under my blanket like a child
hopefully one day this fear will dissipate into nothing
but for now i am terrified of thunderstorms and am in dire need of somebody to sleep in my bed with me so i can sleep
because it is currently storming and i am shaking

I'm done being shamed for being me
For not believing in god
For being a lesbian
For listening to the music that isn't popular
For being a female with short hair
For being curious
For being a feminist
For being myself
I'm not going to change myself to fit into your standards
I'm not going to change the way I think and learn
Because you think I ask too many questions and need to keep my nose outta things
I'm not going to change the way I believe
Because I cannot change that you will not make me
I'm not going to change the way I look because of you
Because I really enjoy the way I look
I'm not going to pretend to like what is popular and in trend
Because I don't want to have the exact same interests as everyone around me
I am not going to change myself because I'm happy with myself
Just because you are not confident in yourself, doesn't mean I can't be
I'm done trying to change to make everyone else happy
I'm not going to shamed for being me
I'm unique and no one change that

I saw the way she looked at you
When you were talking to him
She was watched you
Not in the creapy way
More like she was admiring you
Admiring you in the most loving way possible
But you didn't even notice her
Because you were devoted to that conversation
When she was devoted to the way your lips moved when you spoke
The way your eyes stay focused on whom you spoke to
The way your arms swayed at your side
She noticed that
And she adored every single detail about you
Because you are everything she wants
And you are everything she could ever need
Because she loves you
She loves everything about you
You just didn't see it
Because it can only be seen by the eyes of others
While yours are blind to her affection for you

sometimes i miss our friendship
and i miss the summers spent
playing volleyball in your backyard
with the boy from down the street
but then i stop and think
of how horrible you were to me
you weren't a real friend
you used me as a crutch during your suicidal days
yet i was alone and weeping over life
you hurt me emotionally
and to pretend like you cared
i'd receive gifts and plastic tears
with choreographed paragraphs filled with apologies
and i forgave you time and time again
it's days when i miss you, the happy you,
that i accept that the happy you isn't here anymore
and i stop missing you
because with you i forgot what friendship was
because without you i can sleep again
because with you i'm confined to only you
because without you i'm happy
and surrounded by people willing to teach me
what a real and healthy friendship is

I don't know what it was
that sparked that feeling in my stomach
whenever she was around
maybe it was the glances
that lasted a little longer than they should've
or maybe it was the warmth she gave
when she had her arms wrapped around my waist
maybe it was the secret smile i was given
when it was just her and i in my room
or maybe it was the flame that became emblazing
when our lips touched
i don't know when the spark was ignited
but one day i looked at her eyes
and i felt the fire that was between us

I wonder if you felt them too
The mix of sparks and butterflies
When we danced
I could feel fireworks in my fingertips
And a butterfly dance in my stomach
And I hope that you felt them too
Because they were magical
And I want to feel them again
Hopefully, I will soon
And maybe we will become more than what we are
Because I've never gotten shivers from a hug
And I've never wanted to see a face as much as I like seeing yours
And I'm intrigued to find out what this is
And when we were dancing
They couldn't have been just me
So tell me you could feel them too

i stared at those stained glass doors
and it made me think about how i used to make them with you
it made me think about how i wish i could still be making that art
how i wish you were still here
so you could see how I've turned out
i wish you could meet her
i don't know what her and i are but she means everything to me
and i think you would've liked her
because i certainly do
that little chapel at the hospital
it makes me think of you and her and a little bit of everything
that colorful glass makes me wish you were still here
it makes me wish that i could understand her more
it makes me realize that i truly am lost in love with her
and that's terrifying to me but i know you would've loved to hear me talk about all of how this feels
i wish i were still making stained glass up in the room upstairs
maybe i could make her something, i feel like she would like that
it made me think about how i wish i had found spirituality sooner
because honestly it has made a world of difference for me
and only for the greater
i wish i were more open about that with her
because she's so ****** chill about that **** and you would be so baffled

i wish i had had the courage to just walk through those chapel doors earlier
i know i don't believe in that sorta thing
but i would've loved to see the stained glass that lay beyond that door
maybe i could've pondered upon the future in there
thought about a wedding in the future that probably won't happen in a church
thought about how it would've been to witness you two interacting
thought about everything that's been puzzling my mind as of late
but i didn't step into the chapel
and i just ponder outside of the space of believing

to my friend who knows none of my writing
yet supports my passion with everything in your being
thank you for supporting me with everything in your soul
you haven't seen any piece that i have written
yet you believe that what i write is beauty
i appreciate you so much more than you percieve
and i hope one day that i am able to fully tell you how spectacular you are
i adore how kind and accepting you have shown yourself to be
i know we have only gotten close as of recently
but i am glad that i am able to know a person quite like yourself
our friendship reminds me of allen ginsberg and jack kerouac
speaking of honest emotions and desires
thank you for supporting the poetry you have yet to see
and thank you for supporting the honest me

thank you
thank you for shattering my heart
you were the first to ever break it and it hurts like hell
you walked in and you ******* wreaked havoc
it feels like everything in me is broken and can never be fixed
and it's all because you wanted to be with that boy
I could spew you lines of **** about how this isn't the worst thing I've felt
but that would just be a lie
because this is probably the most hurt i've ever felt from another living human
nothing about this hurt is beautiful or romantic
it's just hurt and the ache of losing somebody you love
nothing good has come from this except the lesson i learned
i learned that heartbreak is miserable, but i can live through it
even though i know it doesn't feel like it at moments
i'll live through this, because when i was head over heels in love
it was the happiest i've ever been because another human
if the risk is having my heart broken, maybe that's okay
so thank you for teaching me what it feels like to fall in love
and to be swimming in that moment
and thank you for letting go and making me feel like this
and even though i wish i could hate you for making me feel this
i'm no longer afraid of letting myself fall in love
because it's actually a ******* brilliant and beautiful thing
and i now hope to fall in love with somebody who deserves me

thank you to every star that decided to enter my little section of the sky tonight
you put on a beautiful performance
with your beautiful specks of light
that shone through the darkness of the world
i feel at peace every time i see you
every one of you did spectacular in your own way
i give thanks for not everyone appreciates your beauty
thank you for giving me your nightly visit
i'm even feeling courageous enough to think i may bring a friend next time
for your beauty shouldn't only be seen by me
thank you for giving me courage and the knowledge of beauty
thank you for showing me that light will always be there

i'd rather have this art on my body
than your hands
for this art only leaves beauty
and your hands leave bruises
this art makes me smile for days
and your hands make me cry for hours
your hands bring me nothing but ache and sorrow
where this art brings me happiness and confidence
so i'd rather have this ink
etched under layers of my skin
for it brings little pain but years of smiles
but your hands
only leave black and blue
and tearful nights

The black rose is the heartbreak from you
when you died you took me too
Slowly I have been fading
I don't know how I got to be in such a dark place

Music helped a lot with that
It made me smile, it brought me back
My singers became my leaders
They went through this too, but they got through
And with that, I found happiness

The bell is my favorite gift
It reminds me of the memories
And the could-have-beens
So the bell is your memorial

The black rose ripped me apart
with it's thorny fingers
My music brought me back
with it's moving melodies
The bell reminds me of you
with all the distant memoreis

as i drove by on the interstate
i looked outside my window
and i saw flashes of light produced by fireflies
but i could only see blinks of it for the speed wouldn't allow me to take it in
and it was then that i realied
i don't want to live life on full speed
i want to live life to where i have enough time to sit and take in everything
to not feel as though i'm running out of space to stand on the treadmill
where i have to keep running to live comfortably
i want to sit and admire the fireflies
i want to be able to spend hours reading and talking
i want to live life at my own pace
and not at one set up for me

sometimes it seems like life would be a lot easier
if the conflicts were a bit more sporadic
if they were more spaced out where we had the time
the time to deal with the conflict or situation healthily
and then heal from it and learn our lessons
then in a bit the next conflict would come along and it would easier
i mean, don't get me wrong, conflicts and challenges that life throw at us
are exactly that, conflicts and challenges
they aren't meant to be easy things, some are easier than others
but none of them are the most basic problem to solve
and life being the thing that she is isn't going to make them easy on us

it seems like all of our challenges we deal with in our lives come all at once
it's like pulling a book from the bottom of the stack and they all come tumbling
all these conflicts come at once bringing so much with them
stress, anger, heartbreak, jealousy, almost anything we could ever feel
and sometimes they just won't let up
the books sometimes feel like they are continuously falling
and sometimes we can't save every book that falls
sometimes the spines break and a few pages fall out
but maybe that's the way it's meant to be
the conflicts will come and we will get through regardless of how difficult they seem
sometimes it's okay to lose things in the conflicts
as long as we don't lose ourselves in them

The only reason you bullied her
was because you didn't think she was beautiful
because you thought your definition of beauty
was the same as everyone else's
because beautiful to you
was twig thin
model skinny
thigh gap legs
perfect skin
long blonde hair
baby blue eyes
no freckle face
perfect cheekbones
and a nice pretty smile
that was beautiful to you
but that's not what beautiful means to everybody
because there are so many beautiful things
outside of the models in the magazines
beautiful flaws like stretch marks
freckles
dimples
gap tooth teeth
thick thighs
curly hair
brown coffee colored eyes
chubby cheeks
acne prone skin
and chunky stomachs
everyone has their own definition of beautiful
so just because something is not beautiful to you
doesn't mean its not beautiful to someone else

Hi, I'm Hannah
I'm a depressed optimist who likes to write
Confused?
Maybe, it'll make sense after I explain it
I have depression and often times I am sad
I get quiet, awkward, and guarded
But at the same time I am very optimistic
I always think that things will always get better
So I describe myself as a depressed optimist
I've never met anyone else like that
I don't believe there are too many people like me
And because of that I write
And I publish it to the world for anyone
Who needs someone like me
I may not make a big impact
But maybe I will inspire someone
Or make friends with someone
Anyone who needs someone who they can relate to
But who they can also go to while searching for optimism
So...Hi, I'm Hannah
And I'm a depressed optimist who likes to write

You know that feeling
The one with such excitement and exhilaration
Where your legs hurt because you've been standing there for hours
Where your so happy because you've been waiting for these few hours for months
Where your cheeks hurt because you've been smiling so much
Where you'd never think that a few people could make you so happy
Where you become attached and make life long friends because of them
Where you are surrounded by people just as excited as you
Where you don't care that you have to be up early tomorrow
That you aren't gonna get home till 2 in the morning
That you are gonna miss this, and wanna come back immediately
You know that feeling
Of being at a concert
Of being surrounded by people who love the same thing as you
Of looking up and seeing your role models singing to you
It's an amazing feeling and experience